Fashion Disaster
Chapter 1
Day 1 AKA 'The Tiger Print Slacks'
"You're fucking kidding me."
"Decidedly not."
"Sirius, mate, come on," James pleads, his face taking on a terrified expression as he turns to look at his best friend. They were standing in front of Take a Bow, a trendy clothing store that had been garnering a lot of attention lately, and was also a rather peculiar spot for two twenty-year-old boys to be bickering at. "Christmas is days away!"
"Pretty sure you said, it was "just a week away" when daring me."
"I—" James stops, blanching in the face of the highly displeasing truth, and looks around the busy street, as if imploring a random passerby to stop and support him, preferably with convincing arguments noted down in flashcards. "You know I wouldn't have actually gone through with it!"
This, of course, is an outrageous lie. He absolutely would have.
"I think we already know I'm not, and nor do I intend to be, the bigger person in any situation whatsoever," Sirius smirks, "also, you're shite at lying, Prongs."
"Please, Sirius. I promise I'll never make fun of your song choices or romance novels ever again."
"I'm disappointed," Sirius says, giving him a swift, painful push towards the daunting doors with entirely too much glee and nonexistent remorse, "You're not even trying to make them believable anymore."
"I hate you."
"I'll happily bear your hatred and whining if it means I get to see you do as I say."
"You're a terrible person! Abhorrent, with no compassion for my fragile state of mind. What would people think? How would I show my face to anyone?! How would I show my body—"
"Oh, shut up!" Sirius rolls his eyes, promptly kneading his fist into James's back and all but shoving him inside the brightly lit store. "No one wants to see your lanky body anyway."
"That hurt, you miserable oaf!" James cries, rubbing his back as he turns around to glare at Sirius.
"The truth always hurts, mate," Sirius says with an indifferent shrug, smartly stepping away when James's fingers flex tellingly. He proceeds to coolly scan the rows and rows of clothing, a barely-there smile on his lips. James knows all about the pure, unadulterated mirth dancing in his grey eyes though, and suddenly feels like he has accompanied Satan into his lair.
"Hello, my name is Lily. How can I help you today?"
James turns around at the polite, yet rehearsed line, and finds a gorgeous woman with startling green eyes and dark red hair pulled back into a side braid, looking at them patiently.
It feels like a perfect punch to his gut, all the air whooshing out of him, and his stomach drops, drops, drops, and he thinks, this is it.
This has to be the worst dare he has ever agreed to in his entire life.
He's aware that it includes that one time he had to go skinny dipping into a practically frozen lake and was bedridden for three days after. He was being dramatic before; a dare to wear the most atrocious pieces of clothing Sirius could select for him for all days until Christmas was definitely diabolic, but not the worst his idiotic friend had made him do.
But now, James can't.
Not in front of a girl that looks like her. Like all the best things James could have possibly fantasized about in a woman neatly combined into a person that put his dreams and imagination to shame.
"Hi, Lily. I'm Sirius and Mr. Gob Smacked over here is also called James sometimes," Sirius's delighted voice breaks James out of his mortified trance, only to push him further down the rabbit hole of misery. "We're here to do some Christmas shopping."
"And I'll be glad to assist you," Lily grins brightly, seemingly undeterred at Sirius's beyond eccentric and borderline mental behavior. James fleetingly considers covering his eyes lest her beauty blind him, but decides it's a bit too much, even for him. "Come along, then, the men's section is towards the back."
He dutifully follows her to his doom, unsticking his feet from the floor with much difficulty. After a few painful seconds, just as James starts considering if he can dash out of the store before alerting Sirius, the man in question drapes his arm across James's shoulders, as if entirely aware of his train of thoughts.
"Fit bird, isn't she?" He whispers gleefully, "Quite your type."
"Did I mention that I hate you?"
"Seems like the clever sort, too. As your best-mate, I will do everything in my power to make her notice you, of course."
"I swear to God, Sirius, I will kill—"
"So, what exactly are you looking for?" Lily asks over her shoulder, her green eyes falling to James and rendering him speechless. He thinks he imagines it, very likely he does, but her cheeks blush pink before she averts her eyes, looking forward again as her hands gesture around animatedly. "Feel free to look around and let me know. We stock up all the latest designs and brands."
"We're thinking colorful and vibrant, isn't that right, Prongs?" Sirius elbows him none too gently.
James pushes him off and narrows his eyes, trying to telepathically curse him with all the colorful words he knows. "Yes," he grits out in reply, much to his own chagrin.
Lily halts suddenly, and James realizes that he has completed his march to the gallows. She turns around, a dubious eyebrow raised at his clearly constipated expression and Sirius's pleasantly heinous grin.
"Er, alright," she says, naturally having decided that she'd sooner go strangle herself than try to figure out their problem. No salesperson could ever be paid enough to put up with Sirius's crap. "How about looking at some sweaters first?"
"Let's do it," Sirius claps his hands together, following her with a maniacal grin.
"How about this?" Lily asks, pulling out a dark green sweater and holding it up for Sirius, "It would go really well with your complexion, and—"
"Ah, we'll come to me, later, Evans," Sirius says, and James's eyes immediately zoom in on the name tag pinned to Lily's chest at the mention of her last name. He feels like a right ponce, but dragging his eyes away poses to be a much tougher task. "Let's look at something for James first."
"Sure," Lily agrees with an unbothered shrug, and walks up to him, close. Not close enough, of course, but the closest she's been to him since he's entered the store. He catches the mildest scent of vanilla, notices the most attractive dusting of freckles across her nose and cheeks, and his hand jumps up to his hair, ruffling it subconsciously. "Hello, James."
"Er, hullo," He replies like a moron, his voice too scratchy and his heart too loud. The sudden realization that he hasn't said a word to her directly until now stuns him, and he catches hold of his senses for long enough to push a sentence out. "You must think we're very strange."
It's quite understandable when she doesn't immediately tear off her clothes at the words.
Sirius shakes his head pityingly, which James expertly ignores.
"You'd be surprised at my tolerance level for strangeness," Lily says smoothly, having no trouble stringing words together unlike him.
"I promise there's a good explanation for all this."
"I'm sure," Lily chuckles.
James is quite certain at this point that she thinks he's an absolute loon, and he wants to wither on the spot in embarrassment.
That is, until she says, "You've really nice eyes."
You've really nice eyes.
"Oh," James says, with all the suaveness of a croaking toad. "Er, I mean, thanks. I got them from my mum, so you should actually be complimenting her. Of course, you can't because she isn't here, but I'll pass on the sentiments to her. If you want. I won't if you don't."
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
He can't really blame Sirius when he lets out a loud groan.
Lily, however, laughs loudly, shockingly, mercifully, and James wonders if she's simply got a heart of gold and doesn't want to embarrass him further, or if she actually finds him funny.
It shouldn't be a big surprise, because James is dead funny. He's generally the life of the party, so to speak, but he usually knows when he's cracking jokes. Right now, however, the whole situation feels like a joke.
Yeah, it's probably the golden heart.
"You can definitely pass them on," Lily replies, and for a second James is confused, but then his nonsense sputtering comes back to him, "But I was talking more in terms of contrast. Your eyes and tone would go really well with maroon, or even blue," she says, gesturing towards his—indeed, blue—sweater.
"You're the expert," James replies, shrugging with a small smile.
Lily nods, stepping away and exchanging the green sweater in her hand for a brilliant shade of maroon that James is quite certain would look amazing on him.
Naturally, Sirius hates it.
"No," he interferes, striding forward and taking the sweater away.
"No?" Lily asks, looking a little deflated, and James has never wanted to punch Sirius more. "Are you sure?"
"Definitely. I'll find something."
"Oh. Well, alright. Let me know if you need any help," Lily says, politely stepping back and walking away.
Sirius, entirely unbothered by how caustic his remark was—though James knows it's more of a personality issue than a situational issue—starts rummaging through the clothes.
"You're a prat, Padfoot," He says, rolling his eyes and walking after Lily.
Sirius simply flips him the bird and continues his search.
"Hey! Lily! Evans!" James jogs up to her.
"Easy there. My train doesn't arrive for at least another two seconds," Lily says, turning around as James comes to a halt in front of her. She'd been re-folding a t-shirt that someone had picked up and thrown back haphazardly on the stand.
"That's a relief. Now I have a whole second to apologize to you on behalf of my dickhead of a companion."
"There's no need," Lily smiles, looking up at him, "I can understand that salespeople can get a little intrusive at times."
"No! Not intrusive, not at all. That sweater was lovely. You have great choice. It's just Sirius. He's…" James gestures wildly with his hands.
"Well don't just leave me hanging! Your second is running up."
"It's complicated," He finishes on an amused exhale. "It's this stupid bet."
"Now you've got me properly intrigued," Lily says, folding her arms across her chest and shifting her weight. James finds the entire movement strangely distracting. "If you make this good, I might even consider—oh, my God, I can't believe I'm saying this—missing my train."
James laughs, "Are you sure you know what you're signing up for?"
"A bit of entertainment in an otherwise mundane job. It might seem like a difficult choice, but I contemplated it for a whole millisecond before deciding."
"You're going to laugh."
"I think that's the point, James."
He can't argue with her. Not when she's presenting him with the chance to finally talk to her without bumbling on like a prat. Not when it means his poor little heart can enjoy her company for a little longer before she understandably becomes disgusted.
"Well, alright. So, every Christmas, Sirius and I make a stupid bet with each other with even stupider stakes, see?" James starts, his face mirroring Lily's small smile, "No one actually cares about what the bet is—it could be something as pointless as seeing who can drink a glass of juice the fastest. It's the dare that follows that's the real tradition."
"What was the bet this time?"
"We held a mini karaoke concert at home and had our friends and family vote on who sounded the best."
"A little extra, aren't you?"
"Just a bit," James grins. "But to be fair, I honestly thought I'd win. Sirius, the wanker, had apparently been a talented bathroom singer for a while. You'd think he'd care to share such things with his best-mate of nine years, but he's a bloody nuisance."
Lily shakes her head with a laugh. "Brilliant. And what was the dare?"
"Well," James says, now laughing too. "That's where the strangeness comes in. I—"
"Oi, Prongs!" Sirius saunters up to them, cutting James off. He just manages to turn around before Sirius unceremoniously shoves a bundle of clothes against his chest. He looks down and catches sight of tropical and animal prints, neon shades, and something that looks suspiciously like granny knickers.
"What the fuck?"
"Yes, yes, you can groan and cry all you want in the trial room," Sirius says patiently, shooting a look at Lily which seems to say 'can-you-believe-what-a-pansy-he's-being?' that she's understandably unable to reciprocate. "Deal's a deal."
"Sirius, I'm not—" James stops, lowering his voice and leaning closer to Sirius as his face becomes impossibly warm, "You know very well that the rules didn't allow underthings."
"You're being too rigid, Prongs."
"Rigid?" His voice rises in alarm, his eyes momentarily flicking to Lily, who clearly looks like she's having difficulty breathing through her laughter, "For fuck's sake, this is a woman's—"
"Well alright, if you insist on being such a bore," Sirius rolls his eyes, "only the rest of the stuff then."
James knows this is hardly a win, because they had set proper ground rules and he was still being dragged through the mud, but felt relief flood his bones regardless.
"Fine," He growls.
"Oh no," James moans, staring at himself in the trial room mirror with nothing short of horror and despair, "No, no, no."
"If you've died in there, I'm still burying you in those clothes," Sirius's voice floats to him from outside the room.
"You know how I said I hated you before? That was an understatement. I actually loathe you."
"You'll also have to accompany me to a restaurant for lunch if you take any longer."
"Is-is Lily out there with you?"
"Oh, missing her, are you?" He asks, and James can hear the Sirius-like delight in his voice. "I'll call her right away if you insist."
"Sirius, I swear, dare or no dare, I will murder you in your sleep."
"You have five seconds to come out before I make good on my promise, James," Sirius says, entirely undeterred in the face of such an ominous threat. "1…2…3…"
"Jesus, fine, just stop being so obnoxious," James says, almost sobbing as he throws open the door to the trial room.
There's just one other person waiting outside apart from Sirius, but even that feels like one person too many to James. He doesn't miss the look of absolute disgust that passes over the stranger's face before they hurriedly look away.
There's nothing James wants more now than to dig himself a hole, crawl into it and pass away peacefully.
"Sweet Lord, this might just be the best moment of my life," Sirius says, a hand clutching his chest as he falls back against the wall behind him, howling shamelessly. He stuffs his fist into his mouth as tears stream from his eyes, body shaking with laughter.
"Are you quite done yet?" James asks with no small amount of disdain, "The dare did not include the winner taking their sweet bloody time mocking the poor blind-sided friend."
"This is precious," Sirius sighs, wiping his eyes, "I can't believe I get to do this every day for a whole week."
James can't believe it either.
When he was a naïve boy (of three days ago), he'd sat and penned down all the ridiculous rules to their bet, as certain in his victory as his mum tended to be of her horoscope predictions. As per the highly 'sacred' document, the winner got to dictate what the loser wore for all days until Christmas. To make things more interesting, the winner would accompany the loser to a store of their choice each day to ensure maximum visibility of said outfit to the outside world. The loser would necessarily have to wear each outfit for at least 16 hours from the moment they left the store. There would be no underthings, cross-dressing, or picture taking involved (unless the loser volunteered).
He had then gone on to proudly sign his doom on that piece of paper, handing his reputation to Sirius on a silver platter.
Sometimes James really worries that his mother might be telling the truth when she says that she dropped him on his head as a child.
"Are we taking these, then?" He snaps petulantly, sending Sirius off again.
"Of course, we are," He wheezes once he's able to catch his breath. "Come on, I can't wait to show you off."
James doesn't even wait for Sirius to finish his sentence before he's already rushed back inside the changing room, all but ripping off the horrendous tiger print slacks, puce colored sleeveless tee, and neon pink jacket with crazed vehemence.
He's never appreciated his sober, comfortable clothes more in his life. He almost wants to sit down on the floor and kiss them.
Instead, he has to, unfortunately, drag himself out of the trial room when Sirius starts threatening him again. James would ask him to fuck off were it not for the fact that he's entirely certain that Sirius would go through with them.
"Have you decided then?" Lily asks once they've meandered outside with comically different expressions. Her eyes travel down to the bundle of clothes in James's hands once again and she gives him a pitying chuckle, understanding shining in her eyes. "I would tell you that this is a terrible waste of money, but I work here."
"James has money to waste," Sirius intones unhelpfully and inappropriately.
"Shut up," James groans, "leave me alone. I hate everything."
"Oh, you drama queen. Let's get this over with."
There's a rather stony woman at the counter who greets James and Sirius with a delightful gaze of irritation. Lily's conversation with her is short, clipped, and makes James highly uncomfortable.
A quick glance at the woman's name tag explains why; she's Lily's sister.
This comes as such a shock to James that he can't help the disbelieving snort that escapes him. He immediately apologizes, of course, but no one can blame him for his astonishment at finding out that Lily—wonderful, sweet, heart of gold Lily—could be related to someone like Petunia Evans.
"Give me those," she snaps, her bony hands reaching out and grabbing the clothes from him.
"Damn! And I was so close to escaping, too," James chortles, trying to lighten the mood, but Petunia's frown simply deepens. It's utterly ridiculous, because those clothes are disgusting, and James can't wait to throw them into the fireplace as soon as twenty-four hours are up.
Lily rolls her eyes at her sister from behind the counter and gives James a 'sorry-my-sister-is-a-mean-cow' shrug.
He pays the bill while Lily packs the clothes, even though James insists there's no need because as per his deal with Sirius, he would need to change into them before leaving the store.
Lily laughs, handing him the bag, "just trying to delay your moment of pain."
"Here's your card, Potter," Petunia interrupts sharply, sliding James's card back to him. "Changing rooms are towards the back."
"He knows," Lily rolls her eyes—James realizes it's her normal reaction around Petunia—and gestures with her hand towards the rooms, "we just came from there."
"Stop befriending strange customers, Lily," Petunia hisses, not even caring how her voice carries to the boys. "Go do your work."
"Stop bossing me around," Lily answers back, her eyes flashing and face reddening in anger. "Also, that's a terrible way to run a store, Petunia."
"I'd say," Sirius whispers to James, "Does she want her customers to never return?"
Petunia turns away from Lily with an indignant huff, and simply brushes past her without a glance backward.
"I'm so very sorry about that. She's usually never here at the store, you came on a bad day," Lily says, looking exhausted all of a sudden. She throws in a smile for good measure, but James notices that it doesn't reach her eyes.
"What are you talking about?" He says, running a hand through his hair, "She was a delight. I'm half tempted to elope with her in my dashing new outfit."
Lily laughs, and James feels his stomach bubbling dangerously.
"Oh, so it's alright to mock yourself for her," Sirius grumbles under his breath.
"I'm going through with this blasphemous and downright shameful ordeal for a week, aren't I? What more do you want?"
"Hmm, you're right, hearing you repeat it like that does make me feel quite good."
As James trudges towards the dreadful changing rooms again, he wonders if anyone would terribly mind it if Sirius were to be involved in a random tragic accident on their way back. Probably not.
While James had foolishly hoped that the disastrous combination of clothes may not seem that awful at a second glance, he finds himself grossly mistaken when he's managed to slip into them again.
If anything, he looks worse.
He feels worse. Because beyond the relative safety of the trial rooms and Sirius's cackling, the most beautiful woman he's ever seen awaits witnessing his walk of shame.
But there's no avoiding it.
So, James kills his pride—a feat his mother hasn't been able to achieve in twenty years—and walks out. He ignores Sirius's Laughter Mania 2.0 and boldly continues walking.
That's about as far as his confidence goes.
Lily, who'd been drinking water from a small plastic bottle, looks up, catches his eye, and immediately bolts somewhere to the back. This is immediately followed by a strange mixture of coughing, laughing, and wheezing noises.
Sirius is now all but falling on James, who purposely side-steps to let the stupid prat crash to the floor. Unfortunately, the bastard stays upright.
"Stop laughing, you wanker! I'm leaving without you, I swear," James tells him, his face feeling way too warm for comfort. This does nothing to alarm his best-mate, of course. "Sirius!"
"Oh my God, did you—did you see her face? She—she ran!"
James was just about to inform him how terrible a person he was for the tenth time that day when Lily walks back inside, her eyes a little red and her lips twitching tellingly.
"I'm sorry about that," she says to James, her voice shaky, "I just choked a little."
"We gathered," James deadpans.
Lily purses her lips and continues staring at him.
"Like something you see?" James asks, unable to help the chuckle that escapes him when Lily promptly bursts out laughing again.
"Best workday ever!" she manages to say, her hand coming to rest on his chest as she tries to regain control of her breathing.
James is eternally grateful that her hand lands more to the right, because he's pretty certain that things could get incredibly awkward on the left. He's sure he's going to have to deal with the tingling sensation on his skin as it is.
"If you both are quite done," He says loudly, drowning out their twin chuckling, "I'd like to minimize the damage before more people see me."
"Oh well, plenty more people on the street, I suppose," Sirius agrees, seemingly in a joyous mood now as he stuffs his hands into his pockets are starts walking. "S'later, Evans."
"Goodbye," Lily smiles, sobering up a bit as she takes a couple of steps back. She looks up at James then, her smile softening and a light blush blooming on her cheeks. "It was nice meeting you, James. I hope—I—"
"I'll see you again!" James blurts out, though where he gets the confidence from, standing there in his neon jacket, in front of Lily, he'll never know, "Er, tomorrow, that is. Actually, this whole week. It's week-long torture, until Christmas."
"Oh," Lily says, her green eyes widening.
James wonders why he's even gone and told her that, because no one in their right mind would be interested in someone like him when he's clearly off his rockers. Hell, even James wouldn't be interested in James.
Before his thoughts can get any weirder, however, Lily stuns him with one of her patent smiles, "That's great. I look forward to it."
"Yeah," James agrees dazedly, "me too."