A/N: 11/02/2021
Double update. This will probably never happen again ;;
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Chapter thirty-one: Role Reversal~
He goes to visit the graves on a sunny day.
He doesn't know why, particularly; it isn't an anniversary or any day of significance, he just feels like going to visit his friends.
He stands for an immeasurable amount of time in front of that large slab of stone, staring at the kanji for Obito's name but not really registering its meaning, just staring...thinking...
He doesn't know why he does this to himself. Diving headfirst - willingly - into a pit of despair and depression, purposely looking to keep in touch with his emotional trauma rather than let it go. Maybe he does it to remind himself that he does still feel things, even if they're bad. Or maybe it's just because he's a glutton for punishment. He can't say.
Flashes of Rin echo through his mind, so close yet so far away. Her face gets fuzzier, a bit more hazy, more blurred, each time. And within the past few years especially, it's become harder and harder to differentiate her face from Sakura's.
"Kakashi?"
Muscles go rigid at the sudden calling of his name, yet still, he turns.
Yugao.
"Oh. It's you." He deadpans, and Yugao laughs, sending a ripple down her purple waterfall tresses.
"Gee, way to greet an old friend. It's been a while. How you holding up?"
He shrugs, hands in his pockets. "About as well as I can be, I guess. It's a lot easier with two legs, you know."
She comes to stand beside him. "Oh, of course. So how long you been standing here like this?"
Another shrug. "Oh, I don't know. Long enough for the clouds to roll in, I guess."
"It's been cloudy for nearly two hours."
"Right."
They stand side by side staring at the grave, at Obito's name and the lovely words carved beneath it, both knowing what it says but neither saying it aloud.
"You know, I've never found solace at a gravesite. What do you say we get a couple of drinks instead?"
An innocent proposition, Kakashi knows that his former ANBU squad mate is only trying to help with his sadness, and everyone knows it's better never to drink alone.
"Sure. Why not?"
Besides.
What's the worst that could happen?
Their bar binges become increasingly frequent over the coming months, and before long, it turns into a regular thing. Almost a ritual.
They meet at the gravesite, silently share in each other's loss, and go for drinks after. This seems to happen almost every other week now, or every other few weeks. Once a month at the very least. It probably just felt like a lot to someone like Kakashi.
He had seen less of Sakura than he would have liked, but she was always doing something these days; if it wasn't a mission, it was studying for an upcoming exam. If it wasn't an exam, it was helping out at the hospital. And if it wasn't that, well...there was always something.
Busy busy busy.
Speaking of which, it's Sakura's birthday today. He had hoped to see her today, but if not, her present would be waiting safely with him.
He reaches for his vest pocket to feel for the gift that he already knows is there - it's a necklace, a tiny thing on a golden chain with a hand painted cherry blossom pendant that he had seen in a shop while passing by, and of course he had thought of her - and even though he doesn't have to, he unbuttons and re-buttons the pocket to make sure it's secure. Sakura didn't own any jewelry that he knew of, and if she did, she never wore it. This was small enough that it wouldn't get snagged on anything, but long enough to be tucked away in her vest for missions. He felt it was perfect at the time, and even now, he's slightly giddy at the thought of giving it to her. Of watching her face as she opened it up, imagining all the different possible reactions she would have to it. If only time would go faster.
He and Yugao sit at a random bar near the edge of town, a slightly seedier side to Konoha, but nothing for two skilled ninja to worry about, drowning their sorrows in shots of sake.
They don't talk much, don't reminisce about the good ol' days or how much they miss their friends. They just sit quietly and drink. It's a shared interest, an unspoken pact between them, and it's quite nice to be able to go out with someone without being loud or obnoxious or bombarded with questions about his love life. He can't be certain, but he gets the feeling that Yugao feels the same.
Though it's not normally his style, Kakashi gets very, very drunk as the night goes on, so much so that he almost doesn't even register the head of pink hair standing right beside his seat.
"Kakashi?"
Sakura. Sakura? Yes, Sakura. How long had she been standing there?
"Yooo..."
He salutes her with two fingers without even realizing it, just a sort of automatic movement for him, and it's very, very hard for him to focus on any of the words she says.
"Kakashi, what is this? Why are you-?"
"He's fine. We just decided to go for drinks again, that's all."
Her gaze shifts to Yugao beside him, and even in his drunken state Kakashi still remembers the look on her face as she acknowledges the other woman.
"Well, I think he's had enough. Come on, Kakashi, I'll take you home."
He allows himself to slide from his seat as she pulls him by the arm and asks the bartender how much he owes. He leans against her shoulder as she takes out her own money and pays for his carelessness, a kindness he will not forget in the morning.
He doesn't really pay attention to the trek home, the sights are all so blurry and vomit-inducing if he tries to focus on anything too hard. It's the sounds that stick with him; the scuffing of his shoes against the dirt roads and alleys they walk down, the clicking of the lock as Sakura opens his door, the creaking of the stairs as he is half-dragged up to his room.
The weight of a misstep causes them to fall against his doorframe, and Kakashi moans drunkenly as he tries feebly to push himself off of Sakura.
She holds onto the collar of his vest tightly so as to keep him from falling like the alcoholic fool he is, and it's then that he remembers what day it is.
"Happy birthday, Ssakura..." he breaths out, concentrated sake leaking through the fabric of his mask. Sakura smells it.
She must not have heard him, or maybe she simply didn't understand what he was trying to say, because he gets no response other than the pull to his room.
A hazy combination of movements later, and he is on his bed, Sakura unzipping his vest and sliding it from his shoulders so he can sleep more comfortably. He doesn't know how he's sitting upright, but he is. Sakura sets his vest (and unknowingly, her gift) atop his windowsill and puts her hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him down to the bed. He doesn't let her, though; stubborn man that he is, he fights her every step of the way, latching onto her and grabbing fistfuls of fabric at her hips to keep her close.
"Nnno, I'm fine..."
The pushing stops. "Kakashi. You are not fine. You need to sleep."
Kakashi closes his eyes, leans his head against her stomach. He lets out a long breath and he feels her hands in his hair, nails scratching pleasantly against his scalp as she cradles him there.
"Kakashi, you have to slee-"
His hands drop from her hips and his arms go around her legs, and she gasps as he runs his bare hands slowly up and down the backs of her thighs. Her skin is so cold. Why is she cold?
"You need to get warm. You're freezing..." he mumbles into her shirt, coiling his arms further 'round her legs. Her top pushes up as he crushes her to him, his masked lips kissing the skin there. Again, she gasps, and she is absolutely rigid.
"K...Kakashi, stop..."
His eyes are still closed. God, his head is spinning...
"But you're so cold...you shouldn't be cold..."
He has no idea how his words are coming out, or if they're even coming out at all; everything is a haze. He spreads his hands across her legs and slides them slowly down.
"Kakashi- ah!"
He pulls against the backs of her knees, causing them to buckle, and with nothing else to hold onto, she braces herself against him to keep from falling. Her knees dip into the bed on either side of his hips, and he slides his hands underneath her shirt because she's so cold and he has to get her warm.
"Kakashi, please stop." her whisper is soft but firm, and Kakashi looks up at her through bleary eyes.
"I can't..."
Her expression turns apprehensive, though he doesn't register it. "W- why not?"
He blinks slowly, taking his time as he breathes in and out, the rough pads of his fingers pressing against her back.
"Because I love you."
Sakura is completely still as he leans into the crook of her neck and grazes his clothed mouth there, tilting upward until he gets to her jaw, her ear. She's not breathing?
"Y...you don't mean that..."
Her voice is so weak, so feeble. Why? Sakura is so strong. She doesn't need to feel that way.
"I don't ssay thingss I don't mean."
It sounds much clearer in his head before he speaks the words, but he knows he's said them. He embraces her more fully now, twisting and lowering the two of them onto his bed. He feels a little sick, and his head spins uncontrollably as he hangs his head above hers, but he ignores it. Sakura lies beneath him, her pink locks splayed out on his plain white pillow, and he's too drunk to ever hope to be able to decipher her expression.
"Kakashi..."
She reaches up, one hand on his neck while the other goes to brush his hair from his face. Something glistens in the moonlight. Are there tears there?
"...I'm sorry."
He feels a sudden pressure on his forehead, and all he knows is sleep.