Harry slowly came to, his mouth dry and chapped and his eyes caked with a long sleep. He opened his eyes slowly, the blurry outlines of a warm face hovered over him.
It was just like him to wake up in a medical area. And he was having such a nice dream, too, with a long docket of revenge still planned that he wouldn't be able to do. Such a lovely lovely dream.
Glasses were gently placed on his nose and his focus came to. Luna was peering over him with a smile "Have a nice nap?"
*PING*
Quest completed: Fuck with the readers into thinking this was all in Harry's head.
Quest points earned: None, you damn cheater.
Harry closed the pop up and the several lines of errors of 'failure to apply whiny bitch perk' and two-fingered into the air to the Fourth Wall.
Luna quirked her head, the sound of the train in movement as they headed to Hogwarts "When do you think Hermione will arrive?"
Harry just gave Luna a look "You already know, you're a seer, and we're both tied to the game engine."
Luna carried on as if Harry never spoke ".. and while we would already know, it's rude not to pretend."
Harry grabbed his nose to the oncoming headache that was Luna Lovegood "Yes Luna, you're always right Luna."
Luna beamed, her Harry was already well trained so Hermione won't have to worry about breaking him in. She ignored Harry's glare.
The door slid open with a bang and Ron, the Weasel, Weasley poked his head in "Hey! Mind if I come in?" already pulling his stuff in before getting permission "Everywhere else is full!"
A lie. A significant lie. Ever since the last war, attendance was dramatically decreased. With the constant… disappearances… of muggle borns and half bloods, it was impacted even more. Never mind that the train was magically enchanted to always have more than enough spaces on top of all that, and it was not only just a lie, it was a damning one.
Harry pulled up the console as he and Luna looked over the values.
] id_show_stats Ron Weasley
Class: Wizard (Seer: id: 17595929, rweasel) [because UNIX is awesome]
Level: 1
Int: 45
Wis: 15
Dex: 11
Cha: 21 (+50 to opposite sex)
Str: 12
Con: 13
MP: 1980 [36 MP/turn regen] (boost +1000)
HP: 1110 [44 HP/turn regen] (boost +1000)
Perks:
Pure-blood (Enchanted Gaea) +1000 MP/HP Boost
Bond (alchemy)
Charming (alchemy)
Long Lived (alchemy)
Servitude (alchemy)
Luna and Harry glanced at each other, each raising an eyebrow.
] id_identify target: Ron Wesley Perk: Pure-blood, Bond, Charming, Long Lived, Servitude
Pure-blood:
Ron is a pure-blood. Because of this, he has an area effect enchantment that was cast upon the planet by the majority of controlling wizards. Any wizard declared, by the sitting board of wizards, to be a pure-blood get the additional bonuses. This generally requires payment in taxes and bribes to remain on the elite board of pure-bloods.
Bond:
Ron has a uni-directional bond danging off into oblivion. This was a power boost and emotional control bond linked to Luna Lovegood and Hermione Granger and a weaker form to any half blood or muggle born he willfully attached to. This was an alchemical formula granted to the Wesley family for their service, or rather servitude, to Albus Dumbledore.
Charming:
Ron has an alchemical formula by Albus Dumbledore that allows him to remain charming to everyone of the opposite sex regardless of what he does, how he acts, or in what manner his appearance is. This grants a +50 appearance check to any who fall to his charms.
Long Lived:
Due to the philosopher stone Albus stole from the Flamels several years ago, he grants all his underlings a diluted formula that increases their lifespan by over 4 times. Albus, of course, took the concentrated form that grants him a form of immortality like the Flamels.
Servitude:
Due to Albus tricking the Weasley family years ago, they are stuck in a permanent servitude bond to Albus to follow all his dictations and desires. Don't feel bad for them, the family are a bunch of twats and it couldn't happen to a better bunch of fuck-ups.
Harry closed the console and looked to Luna. Luna blinked and looked to Harry. Both had the same idea. The wizard world was fucked sideways, across the deep end of insanity, and was a continual turn on the habitual screw of devil dick.
The world needed to burn.
Their thoughts were interrupted by the foul, odorous words of Ron "Hey! I've been talking to you. You need to remember who's the pure-blood here, and Loony over there doesn't count as she's a crazy girl not even worth being sold to her father as meat."
Luna looked to Harry, and Harry could see the spark of anger in her eyes, then she smiled, like Harry did before going to the goblins, her smile peaking into her ears, all her teeth showing, as she turned her head an uncomfortable 70 degrees and just smiled at Ron.
Harry, amused, decided to match her, bending his head, the other direction 70 degrees and smiling to Ron, the same creepy smile.
Then, their heads continued to turn, 360 degrees and continuing on, their hair raising up into the air, and other-worldly chanting echoing around the room.
KLAATU BERADA NECKTIE… NICOTINE… NICKERS… IT WAS AN N WORD.. I'M SURE
Ron was freaking out. And not just because Luna's and Harry's heads had completed the 8th complete revolution. No, nor was it because their eyes were glowing purple and their faces had all the appearance of rotting meat. No, what got Ron freaking out was the absolute gallons of pea soup that was being projectile vomited from both of them, covering the walls, the floor, and somehow, impossibly, missing Ron on every pass.
Not that the urine didn't flow down Ron's legs as he shakily backed out of the room and closed the door, leaving his belongings in the room, which instantly caught on fire and burned to ash. Not that Ron noticed, having screamed in the highest pitch of voice you could imagine and crab-walked down the hallway gibbering like a kicked puppy.
The door finished closing and you could hear laughing.
Harry and Luna, sitting in a perfectly normal room, reading with tears of laughter still trailing down their cheeks.
The door opened again and Hermione peeked in, and glanced around with a wary glance. "OK, what just happened? That poor boy looked like something ate his puppy and spat it into his face."
Luna looked up, still amused "He must have saw something that was disturbing."
Hermione frowned "I'm sure." She glanced around a few more times, shrugged "May I sit here?"
Harry got up and helped Hermione with her belongings "Absolutely. We have been expecting you!"
Hermione immediately froze up. She knew what his meant. More abuse by those so called pure bloods. More harassment. Just like she had in school. More…. She froze.
Hermione coughed "I'm sorry, did I just see a console pop up with 'welcome to 'The Game' as an administrator and that I joined the Harry and Luna team of 'I'm going to fuck the world with a big goblin dildo'?"
Harry signed "Luna?"
Luna shrugged "The name stuck."
Harry held his nose again "Stuck like a giant goblin dildo?"
Luna beamed "That's the ticket!"
Hermione looked confused, but only for a second as 'The Game' downloaded information into her head, including the past life before she was brutally crushed by a Troll.
"Those slimy fucknuts! I'll kill them all! I'll make them wish they were all dead! I'll make them eat their own ball sacks and conjoin them as mutant fucktoys!" Hermione stomped around the room, having just relived her experiences as well as the administrative console and the information.
Harry and Luna looked on sadly but smiled when Hermione looked up, and smiled to them both with a sugary sweet look "We're going to fuck the world, right?"
Harry in response just patted the seat beside him and Luna helped Hermione with the console.
] id_show_stats Hermione Granger
Class: Wizard (Witch: id: 180786241, hgranger) [because UNIX is awesome]
Level: 1
Int: 87
Wis: 49
Dex: 14
Cha: 41
Str: 17
Con: 18
MP: 347 [9 HP/turn regen]
HP: 154 [4 MP/turn regen] (Immortal)
Perks:
Harassment (Cursed)
Helpless Aura (Cursed)
Forgetful (Confundus alchemy)
Forced Bond (alchemy)
Perfect Recall
Logical Wired
] id_identify target: Hermione Granter Perk: Harassment, Helpless Aura, Forgetful, Forced Bond, Perfect Recall, Logical Wired
Harassment:
Hermione is the target of harassment. Whenever Hermione would do anything that would be seen as an achievement or a turn for the good, anyone around her will turn it around to a detriment in an effort to discredit her and destroy any positive feedback. This is intended to make her shallow and malleable as well as strict brainwashing to those in power.
Helpless Aura:
Hermione whenever in a stressful or dangerous situation will immediately freeze up and be unable to help herself until someone else comes to her aid. Upon coming to her aid she will have an unnatural link to them to where she will always appear to defer to their desires and wishes.
Forgetful:
Hermione will constantly forget what she reads forcing her to constantly read and re-read the information to enforce memory. Due to her perfect recall, she is unconsciously fighting this alchemical curse on a biological level and will eventually override it through sheer ability and will.
Forced Bond:
Hermione has a forced bond to the Weasley family as a magical siphon and mental slave. She has to do anything they tell her to do with 24 hours or suffer depressive instability which adds a multiplier to her Forgetful and Harassment effects. The Weasley family drain her direct intellect to boost their own ability and her rather impressive magical core significantly boosts the entire family.
Perfect Recall:
Hermione instantly remembers anything she sees, reads, or interacts with. Forever.
Logical Wired:
Hermione's mind works like a computer and is able to cross reference everything she remembers to logical conclusions. While she can not make intuitive leaps, she is able to correlate data at alarming rates.
Hermione glared and harrumphed at her curses and stats.
(Hermione)] id_perk_remove Hermione Granter type: cursed, alchemy
OK
(Hermione)] id_set dex,str,con,int,wis,cha 499; level 99999
OK,OK,OK,OK,OK,OK,OK
] id_show_stats Hermione Granger
Class: Wizard (Immortal: id: 180786241, hgranger) [because UNIX is awesome]
Level: 99999
Int: 499
Wis: 499
Dex: 499
Cha: 499
Str: 499
Con: 499
MP: 999999 [9999 MP/turn regen]
HP: 999999 [9999 HP/turn regen] (Immortal)
Perks:
Admin (permanent)
Perfect Recall
Logical Wired
Forth Wall (Viewer)
Immortal (admin)
Indestructible (admin)
Magic Protection
Fourth Wall (Permanent)
Not-A-Bitch (Locked) [Fourth Wall – I hate you]
Impossibly Strong (admin)
Impossibly Smart (admin)
Impossibly Fast (admin)
Impossibly Wise (admin)
Impossibly Resistant (admin)
Impossibly Attractive (admin)
Seen As Average (Unnoticed Blessing)
Amuse me by helping Harry destroy the world (admin)
The World is my Oyster and I love Harry loving fish (admin)
Disgustingly Powerful for the Amusement of the Fourth Wall (admin)
Hermione sighed as she closed the console "That's oh so much better."
Harry and Luna cracked up and at Hermione's confused look Luna spoke up "I said the same thing when my curses were removed."
Hermione giggled a bit then sat up straighter and looked around "Harry? Where's Hedwig? She's almost always with you. Something didn't happen to your pretty owl, did it?"
Harry just put his hands to his face and leaned into both Hermione and Luna and cackled "Ohhhh, do I have a story to tell you. You see, I changed her race. She's not an owl. She's something… more…"
And Harry told his story…
Back at Hogwarts at the main hall, Snape was currently cowering in his chair, urine still leaking down his leg, at the head table, with Albus, Filius, and the others looking at him in worry.
Not more than 2 feet away sat Hedwig, grooming her feathers but constantly staring right at Snape the entire time.
Snape glanced up at Hedwig and met her eyes and shuttered. Yes. Just an Owl. She looked just. Like. An owl. Except when he glanced away and saw her… it… in his peripheral vision.
The tentacles on her head waving around, and that voice. That evil insipid voice. Ever since he dared to try to read that damnable owl's mind, the voice… Snape shuddered... that voice kept echoing in his mind, and always with those black glowing orbs peering through his occlumency shielding as if they were tissue.
That voice… the echoing voice… never leaving his head...
" Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Hedwig R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn "