The Misadventures of Hyperdimension Peashy
Episode 28
by Derald Snyder
*Planeptune Basilicom*
"So your old army comrade got killed by one of Lowee's bounty hunters due to a misunderstanding?" Nepgear summarized as she took a sip of her drink. "I'm really sorry to hear about that, Miss Peach..."
"How many times have told not to call me 'Miss'?" Peach sighed as she stared into her root beer. "After all, you're technically older than me by a long shot..."
"Ehehe... Sorry, force of habit," the CPU Candidate chuckled nervously. "So Vert gave you a few days off so you could come to terms with his death?"
"Something like that," the blonde nodded. "I figured a change of scenery might help me get my mind off what happened..."
"NEPTUNE!" Histoire's voice echoed from another room. "This place is an absolute pigsty! It's a disgrace to Basilicom standards! Clean it up, NOW!"
"Ahhhh! Don't get all Pissty, Histy!" Neptune's panicked voice rang out. "I'm on it like a hungry cat's on Warechu!"
"Good! And there had better not be even one crumb remaining! And I'll be looking under the rugs, too!"
Peach hummed to herself. "...I almost feel sorry for Neptuna. Almost."
"Histoire can be pretty scary when she's mad," Nepgear shrugged.
"...I understand she's the Oracle of Planeptune, and that she's been around practically since the nation's founding, but..." Peashy bit her lip. "Well, out of context, why should anybody be afraid of a cute little fairy sitting on a book?"
"You don't know Histoire very well then," Nepgear smirked. "Actually, let me tell you about an incident that occurred not too long after I was born..."
*An indeterminate (but very long) amount of time ago...*
"Histoire, what am I supposed to do?" asked Nepgear. "I've just been born, I don't know anything, so how am I supposed to be a good goddess when my sister's not around to show me what to do?!"
"Unfortunately," Histoire sighed, "when Neptune's asleep, it can be quite hard to arouse her... I know from experience." Just then, there was a commotion from downstairs, and suddenly the door slammed open, revealing a gang of large, muscular thugs!
"Hey hey, whadda we have here?" one thug exclaimed as his gaze locked on Nepgear.
"Must be that new goddess they were talkin' about," another thug said.
"Heh, maybe we can have some fun with her," a third thug licked his lips.
"Ohnoohnoohno!" cried Nepgear in distress. "Histoire, what do we do? I don't even know how to fight yet!"
The fairy, in contrast to her companion, managed to retain her composure. "Excuse me, gentlemen! You cannot just barge into the Basilicom like this! I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"Or what, little fairy?" a thug taunted. "You gonna use your magic and turn us into frogs?" The whole gang burst into guffaws of laughter at this. Histoire's eyes just narrowed as she flew up to the lead thug, grabbing him by the collar...
*CRASH!* Said thug suddenly found himself flying through the window, falling a few stories to the (thankfully) soft sod below.
"What the hell?!" another thug gasped. "Did she just chuck Charlie out the window?!"
"I see no need to waste my magic on you," Histoire said as she cracked her knuckles. "Heee-YAH!" She then flew book-first into another thug's face, the impact of the hardcover sending him reeling out the door they'd come in, rolling down the stairs to impact at the bottom, unconscious.
"Wh- GET HER!" one of the thugs yelled, the rest of the brutes lunging at Histoire, only for her to easily weave around their hastily-thrown punches, grabbing one by his outstretched fist, flipping him over her head and out another window!
"N-no way!" Nepgear's eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she watched the little fairy easily dealing with men several times her size. And then another one went sailing out a window, broken glass spraying everywhere...
But then, one of the thugs got an idea and ran over to Nepgear, grabbing her by the hair. "Alright fairy, surrender or she gets hurt!"
"Oww, let goooo!" the CPU Candidate wailed as she tried to kick at her captor.
"Between the legs, Nepgear!" Histy shouted. The goddess obeyed, managing to nail the thug in groin, his eyes going wide as he released Nepgear and keel over. Then he went out the window as well.
"Sh-she's a pixie devil!" yelled another brute as he took his belt and tried to use it as a whip to to hit Histoire, only for the Oracle to catch the end, then swinging and hurling the thug out yet another window. Now only one remained...
Just then, another door opened, revealing Neptune herself. "*yawn*... What the nep's with all the noise out... here..." Her eyes shrunk to circles as she took in the sight... broken glass everywhere, and one thug shivering in fear, who promptly ran up to the CPU and bowed down to her.
"O great and merciful Goddess Purple Heart! Spare me from the wrath of the pixie devil! Don't let her get meeee!"
"Uh... OK, what happened?" Neptune asked in confusion.
"A group of brutes broke in," muttered Histoire with her arms crossed.
"Th-they said something about 'having fun' with me..." Nepgear supplemented. "I don't know what that means, b-but I don't think I would have liked it..."
"Is that so?" Neptune muttered as she looked down at the groveling thug, summoning her katana... "NEPTUNE BREAK!" One special attack combo later, and the last thug was on his way to joining his comrades on the pile of bodies outside the Basilicom.
Histoire nodded in grim satisfaction. "Well, Neptune, I hope this teaches a lesson about being more attentive to your goddess duties..."
"That was so cool, Neptune!" Nepgear gushed. "But I kinda think Histoire is cooler..."
"Wha-?! Histy cooler than ME?!" The CPU's look of shock suddenly transitioned to determination. "Oh no, Ohhhh, no. There is no way I'm letting that slide!" Neptune swiftly grabbed her sister by the wrist as she marched out of the room. "Come on, Nepgear, I'm gonna go show you what a CPU's really capable of! And then you'll know I'm the coolest of them all!"
"O-okay!" Nepgear nodded as she was pulled along. "B-bye, Histoire!" she waved just before being pulled out the door.
"Bye," the fairy muttered as she surveyed the damage. "Well, I suppose I'd better call for window replacement..."
*Back in the present...*
"Ah-hahahahahaha!" Peach laughed as she rolled on the floor, her hands over her belly. "Oh, boy, that's a good one, Nepgear! Hee hee hee ahahahahaha! Wh-what a whopper!"
"B-but it's true!" Nepgear squeaked in dismay. "I swear it is!" Peashy only laughed harder in response.
Just then, Histoire herself flew in. "What's going on in here?"
"Hee hee hee hee heeeeee..." Peach finally managed to get a hold of herself. "Ah, Nepgear was just getting me to cheer up by... t-telling a ridiculous story about you! Wahahahahahaaaa!" She started laughing again.
"What ridiculous story?" The fairy glared at Nepgear.
"I-I was just telling her about that time you took care of those brutes that broke in!" the goddess stammered. "But she doesn't believe me!"
"Hahaha.. Well c'mon," Peach chortled, "Do you honestly expect me to believe that Histy here can throw people several times her size! It's just absurd!"
Histoire blinked, before looking over at Nepgear, the two suddenly sharing an evil smirk...
*CRASH!*
"AHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HOOIE!" the blonde screamed as she found herself flying down the side of the Basilicom, before face-planting in the sod, one twitchy leg sticking up comically.
"Are you laughing now?" Histy's voice called from the broken window.
"I stand... corrected..." Peashy groaned before passing out.
*Episode 28- End*