Oneshot:

"Alright, let's get your bets in!" the emcee at the reception excitedly says.

"Alright, Mr. Jared! I have a question for you, and if you don't answer this right, you will have to pay for everyone's drinks"

"Wait what? Is this some sort of set up!"

"Okay, so first question is, in any relationship there comes a time that as a man, you have to make a very, very, hard decision. And the thing that you need to decide on is, are you an Ass man or Boob man?"

"Oh, it's tho…Wait what the hell!?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GOT YOU NOW JARED! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" a drunk IF-I screamed from her table.

"Um… Other Iffy, you really shouldn't scream…" Compa-II tries to detain her.

"Go Boss! My money is on Ass!"

"Shut the hell up! He's a Boob man!"

"Haaa!? You don't know that the boss is an Ass man!?"

"You got something to say to me punk!?" the boys are fighting over his preference.

"What's your bet other me?" Vert-I asked.

"From my extensive interaction with him, he's an Ass man" Vert-II answered.

"…Agreed. He is in fact, an Ass man" Blanc-II answered.

"Ass maaan!" Plutia repeats with extensive glee.

"Really? I think he's a boob man though. I've seen them date with Neptune's HDD form before. He keeps looking at her chest" Noire-II says.

"Wait a minute, me. How in the world do you notice him looking Neptune's chest?"

"Um…! Ah…!"

"…Pervert" Blanc-II remarks.

"Wait no! That's not what I-!"

"…Right now, I'm willing to bet he'll answer boobs from the peer pressure" Blanc-I answers.

"Says the girl that lacks it" Vert-I said.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU SAY THUNDER TITS!?"

"What do you think Big Brother is, Uni?"

"Ahahahahaha… I'm not really good at these kinds of innuendo jokes"

"BOOB MAN!"

"ASS MAN!"

"BOOB MAN!"

"ASS MAN!"

"NOW THEN MR. JARED! THE CROWD IS WAITING! AND LOOK, EVEN YOUR WIFE IS ANTICIPATING AN ANSWER! In fact, let's hear what the wife has to say!" the host points the mic to Neptune.

"Please answer wisely, mister! Or you won't get your fill tonight!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" and the boys are going wild!

"And she has spoken! You're entire marriage lies on your answer Mr. Jared!"

"I'm, uh… never gonna get out of this alive huh"

"JUST ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION ALREADY! *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!*" drunk IF-I screamed!

"Uhhhhhh… B-…. A-….*breathe in!* *breathe out!*…" the passerby takes a moment. Just a moment. Not long enough for the drunk IF-I to shout again.

"Boobs…"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! HELL YEAH! BOOB MAN! BOOB MAN! BOOB MAN! BOOB MAN! BOOB MAN!"

"Dammit! I lost 1000 credits!"

"NEPU! So you really are a boob man!"

"HA! I KNEW IT!" the drank IF stands up, her mystery finally solved.

"Alright, let's go with the wife next…! As a wife, you will have to face… many, many challenges with… your boob loving husband of yours. So tell me… Abs or Flabs?"

"Oh that's easy! Flabs for the win!"

"Wait! What the hell kind of question is that!?" her husband protested.

"Okay! Next up! A question for the man of the hour!"

"Aho! Aho! Aho! Aho!" the boys go wild.

"Goodness those boys are really going at it" Nepgear comments.

"So, Mr. Jared. As you know, your wife is the CPU of Planeptune. How does it feel to choose between her taller self or her shorter self?"

"I'm betting taller based on the previous answer!"

"Nah man, I go the shorter! He'll be peer pressured into it!"

"Nah, nah. My 10K credits is on Taller! The boss is an open book already!"

"Oh my… IF really has gone all out with those questions" Vert-II says.

"Well… um, she's not really good with alcohol… ahahahaha" Compa-I said.

"Indeed. She was drunk when she wrote out the questions" Histoire confirmed.

"Woooohoooooo! Don't let me down Jared! *Gulp!* *Gulp!* *Gulp!*" IF drinks more of her favorite 70% alcohol drink.

"What do you think Big Brother likes, Uni?"

"Again? Hrmmmm… considering it's your Sister… maybe he likes short?"

"I concur" Mini-Histoire said.

"Uuuuuh…" Jared tries to think of an answer

"No wait! Hold on, let's hear what the wife has to say!" the host once again points the mic at Neptune.

"Nepu! You better answer correctly mister or I ain't making pudding!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!" and the boys goes wild again.

"There you have it! Now Mr. Jared! Speak! Her Taller self or her Shorter self!"

"Uhmmmm…. Uuuh…"

"TALLER!"

"SHORTER!"

"TALLER!"

"SHORTER!"

"…S…s… sh… shorter?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! FUCK YEAH! THIS IS MINE BOYS!"

"GAH! MY 10K!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" drunk IF laughs hysterically.

"Nepu! What is this inconsistency!?"

"Okay okay! Next up! We'll take a little break from the hot seat… and we'll proceed to roast him! So give it up for IF!"

"Oh no…" the passerby fears for his heart.

"IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF!" the boys go wild again.

"Oh my… she's really going all out on this" Vert-II said.

"…Such is a woman who once loved a man" Blanc-II answered.

"By the way, we have to roast him too right?" Noire-I said.

"…Hehe, I'll burn him alive" Blanc-I excitedly says.

"Fuweh? Is he gonna get burned?"

"*hiccup!* Ehehehhe so I'm first to roast 'im eh… *Gulp!* *Gulp!* Fwaaaaaah…" IF drinks the last of her bottle.

"Jared! Has anyone ever told you, that you talk too much!"

"Pffft…! AHAHAHAHAHA!" Neptune laughs.

"Yeah! You talk so much! You look like someone's badly made mix tape!"

"AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO TRUE!" Noire-I shouts.

"There was this one time! One time! Both of us went to a restaurant, terrible, terrible restaurant, by the way. So, he ordered this lamb meat, and I ordered salad. This was after a quest, so we were terribly tired. Now, we didn't know it was a bad restaurant and since I was eating salad I didn't know how bad it is. Like, who could mess up a salad, right? But this man! This man! Fucking straight up, went on a giant rant about how the texture of the lamb meat is this and that, blah blah blah… NO ONE CARES!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"You think you're a damn big shot, with your fancy speeches and your psycho-101 bullshit, but NO ONE FUCKING CARES!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"And oh boy, he rants about… EVERYTHING! *gulp!* *gulp!*"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry me, but I can't…! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" Vert-I laughs.

"He rants about cleaning, food, paper, and the fucking sky!? Are you serious!? Seriously!? The sky? Is nothing sacred to you!?"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Does everything need your input? Do you need to shove it down their throats!? *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* If you haven't already guessed, no one really cares!"

"So I had to ask! As his friend, I had to ask: I asked him… 'Jared, is this working for you or something? Is going on a long rant working for you whenever you're on a date with Nep?'. And he said, with a blank expression on his face, 'yeah'… And that's when I realized… this guy, has the biggest ego in the entirety of Gamindustri!"

"AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOOOOOOOLY SHIIIIT!"

"Because there's no sane guy out there that's going go on a rant about water not tasting like H2O, news flash for you, that's what water taste like!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Like his ego is so massive and dense! He is literally attracting people just from gravitational pull alone! And everyone puts up with his long rants because they can't escape!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… Dammit IF!" Blanc-II laughs hysterically.

"NO! I CAN'T STOP…! PFFFT…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Noire-II can't stop laughing.

"PFFFT AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Neptune laughs her heart out.

"Is that why you went to another dimension? Because it takes 8 CPUs to lift your ego?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! SHIIIIT!"

"In fact, in fact. I think it's the reason why he gets angry when he teaches how to cook. The guy cannot stand someone beating him in the cooking department. He goes all G*rd*n R*msey on us because his ego won't let go"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! IF is really going at it! AHAHAHAHAAHAHA!" Nepgear laughs.

"He has to assert his dominance every time! Like are you compensating for something?"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

"And let's not forget the biggest contributor to his massive ego… the confessions… *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!*"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

"We all know Jared is a walking gigolo. Every woman he meets either wants to take him home or do it right then and there! But let me tell you ladies the truth! You're only feeding the ego! Stop falling in love with him fellow ladies!"

"AhAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"His ego is what keeps him alive! He can't live without that! That's why he needs a girl to confess to him at least once a day! He all just thinks of you as his fresh supply of gasoline!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

"And after that! After that! He would start messing with you! Like he doesn't give a fuck after you confessed to him!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

"To him! You're a checkbox! He comes to you. Acts nice. You like him. You confess. Then proceeds to not act nice anymore! THE GUY IS AN ASSHOLE! *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* *GULP!* PWAAAAH!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! SO TRUE! SO TRUE!" Noire-II laughs.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! I can't take it anymore…. My stomach!" Blanc-II holds her stomach.

"He's like 'well you confessed to me. My job is done! Another one in the trophy room!' The man literally collects confessions like P*kem*n! That's all!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

*CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!* *CLAP!*

"IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF! IF!"

And the reception party continues on…