Dear Monika,
How have you been? I hope I caught you before your sojourn into the New England wilderness. Life has been quiet here. Sayori is on one of her expeditions and won't be back until your trip is over and Rob moves her back into the game. Following your recommendation, we have been gathering clothing and other supplies in preparation for whenever we depart. It could be difficult to transport all of it to Rob's home, especially when we leave this reality and no longer have the abilities we can gain by adopting the title of President. It will surely take several of us just to carry Natsuki's manga collection.
I fear that I am prattling on about inane minutiae as a distraction from my nervousness. For all the problems with our world, it is still the only one I have ever known. Yet even here I had trouble fitting in and being comfortable with myself. Am I really strong enough to survive in a world as huge as complex as the one we're about to enter?
I don't mean to burden you with my insecurities right as you're about to leave for what will surely be a fulfilling experience. I will try my best to gather my courage in the days ahead.
Love,
Yuri
Monika sat in front of Rob's laptop as they waited for Alex and Charlotte to arrive. They hadn't seen much of them in the few days since she went with Rob and Kate to pick them up. Rob's parents had come to pick them up the next morning and from Alex had said, his time was very much in demand. There were aunts, uncles, cousins and friends who all wanted to see him in the limited time he was back in the United States. He also had made it a priority to visit his elderly grandmother, the one Monika had met briefly at Lucas and Andrew's birthday party.
They would probably be there soon, but Monika began to write back to Yuri. She would always make time for her. She had heard somewhere that when you hit rock bottom, you find out who your real friends are and Yuri had been the only one who had shown her any compassion. Sayori was a more complicated case and Natsuki…well, Monika wasn't sure they would ever be friends again, but she was still determined to help her.
Hi Yuri,
I'm always glad to hear from you, you're not a burden. I can understand your anxiety, but I don't think it will be as bad as you think. Unlike me, you're going to be coming here with more reasonable expectations. I thought I was headed for some storybook ending with the boy of my dreams…what a fool I was. But once I started to get over that, I really began to like it here. Even though it's bigger and more populated than the game, that makes it more likely that you'll find people with similar interests.
It will probably be hard at times, but you won't be alone. The other girls will be going through it and I'll be there to help guide you all. I've been lucky to have the support I've had during the last ten months or so and I don't imagine it will be any different for you. It's okay to be nervous, but maybe we can be a little excited too. I'm really looking forward to seeing you!
We're spending two nights in New Hampshire and then I'll be back here. I don't think Rob is bringing his laptop since it could compromise Sayori's exploring. Take care!
Love,
Monika
She heard a car pull in just as the note to Yuri was finished. Grabbing her small suitcase, she and Rob said their quick goodbyes to the family and walked out in the crisp morning air to meet Alex and Charlotte.
"Mom and Dad let me borrow their car," Alex said. "They also gave me some gas money, it would be a shame not to use it."
Rob shook his head and smiled. "I don't know how you always manage to get money out of them. I know better than to even ask."
It was a passing remark that the brothers laughed off, but as Monika placed her suitcase in the trunk of the car and moved to sit in the backseat, she thought it revealed quite a bit. That day at the cemetery back in March, when Rob had shown her his sister's gravestone, he had made a comment about Alex - "He's like me in a lot of ways, except for this. If you ever meet him, you'll understand the difference right away."
As the car left the driveway and headed for the interstate, Monika thought she understood now. They did have a great deal in common; Monika suspected they could spend the entire drive chattering about movies, traveling and heavy metal music if they wanted. The difference was confidence. Alex had a natural confidence that he probably didn't even think twice about, while Rob had gone through much of his life expecting to be dismissed and hurt by almost everyone he met, with seemingly little certainty that anything he tried would work out. Alex was born after Lauren's death and thus missed the trauma almost entirely. Rob had been hit with it full-on while at a vulnerable young age. It had affected not just his overall mood, but left him with a sense of shame. Monika couldn't quite figure that part out. As callous as she knew his parents could be, it seemed very unlikely that they ever blamed him for what happened. They weren't that cruel...and it wouldn't have made sense.
Rob had basically described his brother as an improved version of himself, unencumbered by the past, what he might have been if things had been different. Monika didn't care what anyone else said - she preferred the original.
At some point while they were making their way through northern Massachusetts, she realized the leaves on the nearby trees had grown significantly more colorful.
"Hey Rob?" she asked. "Why are these leaves look so much brighter than the ones in Connecticut?"
"The leaves change quicker depending on how far North you are," he answered. "Way up near the Canadian border, it gets the most colorful around the end of September. We're going to hit this region of New Hampshire right around their peak time. Connecticut won't hit the peak until around the end of the month."
"Oh," Monika said. Charlotte gave her a strange look, like she was expecting Monika to know this already.
"I have a question too," she said. "Why is the foliage so beautiful in this particular place? We get some changing leaves in New Zealand but nothing like this."
"I've done some research on this," Rob answered. "There are a wide variety of trees here, but the major factor seems to be that a lot of the trees produce a specific pigment. I don't remember the name of it, but it's rare in the rest of the world. The leaves on those trees change into a really striking dark red color, which blends well with the others."
"You're quite proud of this!" Charlotte said with a smile.
"This country's full of shit, so I take my points of pride where I can find them."
Alex laughed and Charlotte looked uncertain as to how to react. Monika looked out the window at the trees with this new information in mind. Sure enough, there were several trees that were a gorgeous dark red color, along with the oranges, yellows, and pine trees that added some green.
"Monika, where are you from originally?" She turned to see Charlotte looking at her expectantly. Best to stick with the information that would be on the birth certificate.
"I was born in Idaho."
"I don't know all the states so well," she admitted. "But I'm guessing there wasn't much of an autumn out there?"
Monika didn't know much about Idaho, either. Thank goodness she wasn't speaking with a native. "There's some color, but not like this."
"How did you end up here?" Charlotte asked. "This is pretty far away from Idaho. How did you even meet Rob and Kate?"
Monika felt a twinge of panic. One would think she would have been prepared for this sort of interrogation by now but it was still unnerving.
Alex turned his head to face the back seat. "You're being kinda nosy, don't you think? Let her be."
Charlotte shrugged and looked out the window. Monika let out a quiet sigh of relief. Eventually, they crossed the state line into New Hampshire and after about another hour of driving, Rob steered the car into the exit lane.
"Are we almost there?" Monika asked.
"A little while longer," Rob said. "The back roads are where you see the really beautiful stuff."
He wasn't kidding. As the highway receded from view, the colorful surroundings took on more of a storybook quality, with small towns, churches and barns beautifully complementing their surroundings. It looked something an artist might imagine for a game like the one she came from, but it was all the work of nature.
Finally there came a spot so gorgeous that Rob had to pull the car off the road so they could all step out and take it in. A bright blue lake sat before them and on the other side was a mountainside totally covered in the colorful autumn leaves. The sun gave the lake a shimmer that was too bright to look at directly while the colors on the trees looked so sharp that Monika wondered if they might bleed out into the nearby sky. Before she knew what was happening, a few tears ran down her face.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Rob suddenly asked. Monika hadn't even heard him approach.
"You told me it was beautiful, but I didn't…I couldn't…"
He pulled her into a hug. "It's okay."
"I want the others to see this," she said.
"They will," Rob said. "If they don't make it in time this year, we'll do it next year."
"I can't believe this happens every year," Monika said with a smile. She wiped her tears and looked back at the hillside. She also noticed Alex and Charlotte staring conspicuously at them.
The next stop was at a supermarket to gather some food and drinks for the next two days and then they finally arrived at the small two-bedroom house they had rented alongside Lake Winnipesaukee, a sprawling body of water which was much bigger than the lake they had stopped at earlier. Monika was expecting to be waiting inside the place to greet them, but the others explained that people renting out houses while only interacting online was pretty common.
The sightseeing had eaten up a few hours and left everyone hungry. Rob found a grill out on the back patio and began fiddling with it.
"Isn't it a little cold for grilling?" Monika asked.
"As far as I'm concerned, grilling season lasts until the snow comes."
Monika laughed. "Okay, whatever you say."
He went back inside and starting molding the chopped meat they bought into burger shapes, with a veggie burger set aside for Monika as per usual. Alex was spreading french fries on a tray to put in the oven. That left Monika in charge of the salad, which seemed appropriate.
They ate on the front porch as the sun set over the lake. The trees were harder to see but the bright colors of the sky reflected off the water, yet another brilliant sight for Monika to take in. Caught up in the romantic grandeur of it all, she took Rob's arm and placed it around her shoulders. He gave her right shoulder a friendly little rub without looking away from the lake. For a few minutes, she felt like the two of them were the only people in the world….but of course, they were not. They weren't even the only people on the porch.
When it got dark, Rob put on a movie he had brought. It was a New Zealand movie, which was certainly thoughtful, although she didn't yet know what Charlotte thought of horror films. This one was especially bloody but the gore was frequently played for laughs. The brothers were having a great time but Monika didn't find any of it especially funny. By the halfway point, she had tuned out and was using her phone to entertain herself.
Once that was done, everyone walked up the small staircase to where the two bedrooms were, one on each end of a hallway. Each one had its own bathroom, which was certainly convenient. Without saying much, she and Rob got ready for bed and situated themselves under the covers.
As she took his hand in the darkened room, a realization came to her. They were all alone. No Kate, no Andrew and Lucas, only Alex and Charlotte in the room on the other end of the hallway. It was a rare opportunity and one that was unlikely to happen again, especially once the other girls arrived. She imagined herself draping one leg over him to get his attention and then asking if she could be his wife...just for one night. Nobody would have to know. The next day, everything could go back to normal.
Except it wouldn't. Reality punctured the bubble she was indulging in. They loved each other too much for some unemotional hookup. If he agreed to it, their special relationship would change forever. Was it worth it? He was never going to leave Kate, so did she really want to force the issue? It wouldn't end well for her. And Kate...Monika teared up a little at the thought of breaking her trust. She had gone from threatening to send Monika to live with strangers from her church to embracing her as part of the family. She had even let Monika cuddle next to her husband in their bed and later invited her to spend a weekend in this beautiful place with him. Not just anyone would have done that. As inconvenient as it was to her aspirations of "true love," she loved Kate too.
At this point, she had a choice. She could either live in a poisonous state of jealousy and resentment over not ending up romantically linked to her beloved player, or she could accept the love he wanted to give her and respect the boundaries that sustained the fragile balance they had managed back home. Forcing him to choose between her and Kate, when he had made it clear from the day they met that he was married and intended to stay that way, would be cruel. It was not what you did to someone you loved. There would probably always be a little bit of hurt, but not as much as if she ruined her relationship with both Rob and Kate after everything that happened.
The choice was made. She snuggled up to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Good night, Rob. I love you."
"I love you too," he said quietly, not quite awake.
Monika showered first the next morning, knowing that Rob would have trouble getting out of bed even when he was having a great time. When she finished getting dressed and drying her hair, she left the bathroom to find him just now lurching around the room.
"Good morning!" she said with a sweet smile. The only response was a grunt.
She heard the shower turn on and was ready to head down to the kitchen to see what the options were for breakfast and, more importantly, coffee. She had opened the door just a crack when she heard someone say her name. Alex and Charlotte were in the hallway having some sort of animated conversation. She kept the door mostly closed and leaned over to eavesdrop.
"It's just shameless!" Charlotte said loudly.
"Keep your voice down," Alex replied while looking around. "They're right in the next room."
"Exactly. Why is he going to bed with her with us right here? Why did he even take a woman on this trip that isn't his wife?"
Alex scratched the back of his head nervously. "I think it's because he and Kate have done a lot of trips like this, but this is Monika's first autumn in New England."
"They're having an affair. Why can't you admit it?"
"Because I know my brother. There's something different going on with them."
"And what's that?"
Alex sighed. "He thinks of her like a younger sister. I know you remember why that's important."
Charlotte suddenly became quiet. As tragic as it was, the dead sister really was a good way to shut somebody up. Jeez, she thought. Maybe I should have come onto Rob last night, since I'm being accused of it anyway.
"And if that's the role she's taken," Alex continued. "That means she's my sister too. So I would like you to try and be a little more understanding."
"But...you barely know her," Charlotte said.
"I know her better than I knew Lauren," Alex said with a rueful chuckle. "Do you know how weird that was growing up? Knowing that I had a sister I would never meet? They didn't even tell me the details until I was eight or nine years old, but part of me knew just from the way they carried themselves. I didn't think anything could heal Rob...but this might."
"I'm not sure what to say," Charlotte replied quietly.
"Don't you think it's possible for people to love each other deeply without having an affair? It's not like that's the only type of relationship in the world."
Monika smiled. He had just as much empathy as his older brother. After hearing this, she knew she had made the right choice last night. Rob came out of the bathroom dressed and ready for breakfast. After everyone had eaten, Alex wandered out to the back lawn. Monika decided to follow him.
"Your girlfriend's not a big fan of me," she said bluntly.
Alex looked uneasy, probably debating whether or not to try and deny that.
"Charlotte really likes Kate and she's worried about her," he said.
"But it was Kate's idea for me to go on this trip instead of her!"
"I know," Alex said. "She doesn't get it…and we haven't even tried to explain the whole Doki Doki Literature Club thing."
Monika sighed. "I guess it is hard when we can't tell her the whole story."
"I want Rob to be happy, but there's an intimacy in your relationship with him that's pretty surprising when you know he's married to someone else."
"So he can't be close to anyone else?" Monika asked, getting steadily more annoyed. "You pick one person and that's it?"
Alex sighed. "There is a certain cultural expectation like that for married people, but I'm not going to defend it. It's probably unhealthy in the long run. My only point is that it's not really a surprise if someone finds it problematic."
"Problematic for who?!" Monika shouted. "For some stranger who drops in from the other side of the world and decides to judge us?!"
Alex looked surprised at her anger. Frankly, so was Monika. She just couldn't take any more feelings of guilt or shame. Not after months of beating herself up over how she had treated Sayori and the others. She deserved that but this just wasn't fair. Then it occurred to her that it wasn't Alex who deserved to be yelled at. She had already heard him defend her and Rob that morning, all he was doing was trying to get her to understand Charlotte's point of view.
"I'm sorry," Monika said quietly. Once she was sure Alex had heard her, she swiftly walked away. She wanted to confront Charlotte but the problem with that was it could lead to more questions about her relationship with Rob that would be hard to answer without revealing the truth. At this point, she did not think Charlotte could be trusted with that information. She probably wouldn't even believe it at all.
Alex and Charlotte found kayaks leaning against the side of the house and were soon out on the lake. Rob declined to join them, preferring to read while sitting in one of the chairs on the porch. Monika stood near him, resting her hands on the railing and quietly watching the lake.
"Rob?" she asked. "Do you think we're doing something wrong?"
He put the book down as she turned to face him. "Hmm?"
"Should I not have come on this trip with you?"
"This is about Charlotte, isn't it? I've seen those looks too."
"Should I be sleeping next to you at night?" Monika asked. "Or should I just sleep on the couch?"
"Is that what you want to do?" Rob asked.
"No," she said. "But I don't know what's right. I've never had a family before."
"A lot of this is new to me too," he said. "But I am experienced when it comes to trying to earn the approval of other people. I spent most of high school trying to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me and change it so that people would treat me better. It didn't work. They shunned and mocked me no matter what I did. It was all a waste of time."
"See, this is the problem!" Monika exclaimed. "I want to hug you after hearing that. But have I gone overboard with that kind of thing?"
"It's one thing to change your behavior if something is weighing on your conscience, but if the only reason you're doing it is to try and satisfy someone else's criticism, it's not worth it. We know what works best for our family. If somebody is determined to have a stick up their ass about other people's business, we can't do much about it."
Monika squeezed into the chair next to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "You're right, of course. Should we talk to her about it?"
"I don't know what good it would do," Rob said. "I'd prefer to let Alex deal with it."
Once everyone was back at the house, they got into the car and drove about an hour further north to get deeper in the mountains. The brothers happily chatted like usual but there was an icy silence in the back seat. Monika rather conspicuously kept her eyes facing the window as they drove down some famous highway. It had a weird name that started with a K and a river ran parallel to it for almost the entire time.
They stopped numerous times to appreciate the scenic vistas and once they made it to the end, it was time to head back the way they came in order to reach the highway. The sky began to darken as they approached the original entrance to the road. Monika had been spacing out for a while but snapped out of it quickly when Rob slammed on the brakes.
"Rob, what-"
Monika lost her train of thought when she realized just why they had stopped. An animal with antlers that was easily the size of a car was ambling across the road. Her thoughts went back to the "Planet Earth" documentary she had watched so many months ago and was able to remember that this was a moose.
"That's a big one," Alex said.
"This is usually the time of day when they come out," Rob added.
"Good thing you were paying attention," Charlotte said. "If we had hit that thing, this car would be pulverized."
Rob winced a bit at the thought, probably remembering his accident. Monika didn't have anything to add and when the moose disappeared into the woods, they resumed the drive back to the lake. With the scenery fading into darkness, she felt increasingly claustrophobic in the car. As soon as they pulled back into the driveway of the rental house, she rushed inside.
The rest of them started making dinner, but she didn't want to be visible. The anxiety was starting to get overwhelming. After a few minutes of unproductive angst, she decided to call Kate.
"Hi, Monika. Is everything okay?"
"I…I don't know," she said.
"What's the matter?"
"Alex's girlfriend thinks that I'm having an affair with Rob."
"She said that to you?"
"No. I heard her talking to Alex about it."
Kate sighed. "If she has any questions, she can talk to me about it. Don't let her question your place in our family."
"But I know this isn't typical," Monika said while on the verge of tears. "Usually it's just the married couple and the children, not another random girl living with them."
"Monika, we have a saying at my church. 'Love makes a family.' We're not a cookie-cutter sitcom family, but who cares? I know that you understand what's appropriate and what isn't, and if I'm not worried about it, there's no reason for anyone else to be."
That response finally got the waterworks going. "Thank you," she said, trying to stay composed. "I…I love you, Kate."
"I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow."
Kate's moral clarity was as clear as ever. Monika took a moment to ponder how painful a conversation like that would have been if she had indeed betrayed Kate last night. But she didn't. She felt a new confidence that she could love and be loved back without having to feel guilt or shame.
After a leisurely breakfast the next morning, they started the long drive back to Connecticut. The brothers had a steady playlist of metal songs playing for most of it, which Monika appreciated, since it made her reluctance to engage with Charlotte less awkward. Although she could have done without one particular song by some band named Manowar called "The Gods Made Heavy Metal." It was about the dumbest thing she had ever heard, but Rob and Alex clearly took a lot of joy from it.
After they were dropped off at the house, Rob greeted Andrew and Lucas while Monika hugged Kate tighter than she ever had. She seemed a bit taken aback by it, but smiled warmly when they were done. Not long after that, everything settled back into the comfortable home rhythm. She reclined on the couch with her phone while Rob sat in front of his laptop.
"Ah, it looks like Sayori wrote," Rob said. "I wasn't expecting to see that before I moved her back into the game."
Monika didn't think much about it one way or another given how routine their communication was by now, but then she heard a small gasp. She walked back over and looked at the laptop screen over his shoulder.
Rob! I FOUND IT!