AN: Epilogue notes turned into chapters, part 1 of 4

*throws and runs*

Pike was staring at the datapad with unseeing eyes. Objectively, he knew getting lost in the memories of the last however many hours would lead him nowhere good fast. Still, how was he supposed to forget that skeletal hand, wrapped in flowing darkness, reaching out to him? How was he supposed to forget that he'd tried to reach up and accept whatever the apparition had been offering?

He knew the ship's new chief medical officer, McCoy if he remembered correctly, was currently more concerned with his physical health, but Pike wasn't delusional; he'd need to see a counselor about the torture he had endured.

Not that he remembered most of it.

What he remembered… what he remembered would likely have him pulled from active duty while he underwent a mental evaluation.

The sound of the glass doors to his private room opening caught his attention and he immediately looked up, tense. Then, noticing it was just Kirk waiting by his door for permission to enter – after he'd already entered – he settled himself back into his bed, briefly closing his eyes in a vain attempt to focus.

"Sir?" came Kirk's quiet voice. "How are you feeling?"

Pike gave him a lopsided hint of a smile. "As good as can be expected I imagine. Our medical staff are truly extraordinary."

Kirk, his somewhat battered appearance nonetheless also bearing the signs of medical's attention, gave him a tentative smile back.

"I'm happy to see you're alive sir." He paused, an expression Pike couldn't place forming on his face. "I was worried."

Ah. And wasn't that something? Kirk thinking about others before himself was something of an anomaly, although he knew he had it in him. Before he could say anything to reassure him though, he continued.

"We almost didn't make it in time."

Pike sobered. "Considering the situation, you would have been forgiven."

"No. That is, sir, Spock almost didn't authorize the rescue mission. Even then, it was considered secondary."

Well then. And how was he supposed to feel about that?

Objectively, he understood. Spock was a Vulcan. Logically, it made more sense for him to have chosen any number of other options to preserve the lives of the crew. He likely would have considered Pike's rescue too costly for what was gained. Which begged the question: why did Spock authorize the rescue mission?

"Harriet," Kirk continued, "the Special Envoy, she kept saying the priority was destroying the red matter, and Spock …"

"And Spock?"

"It wasn't right, sir." Pike was sure he hadn't heard Kirk use so may 'sirs' in his life. "We shouldn't even be considering leaving our own behind."

And this, this was why he both saw potential in Kirk and also knew he wasn't ready for his own command.

"A captain sometimes has to make difficult decisions Kirk. In fact, that was the point of the exercise you thought prudent to cheat your way out of."

When Spock approached the captain's room in medical, his mind was already occupying itself with the extensive list of tasks that needed to be completed in order for the Enterprise to begin making its journey back to Earth. As it stood, the vessel was just short of being dead in the water, as Mr. Scott had put it. As much as he wanted to sit and rest beside Harriet's bed, and, perhaps, watch her sleep, he had a debriefing to give.

He stopped just outside of Captain Pike's room, noting Kirk's presence with some amount of annoyance. Which was unbecoming. Nonetheless, given all of the emotions he had suffered through these last few hours, he was not surprised by it.

The captain waved him in, apparently to Kirk's irritation, if he was placing the facial expression correctly.

"Captain."

"Commander Spock. Where is Harriet?"

A reasonable question to ask, considering the reason he had left earlier was to find her.

"Sleeping, Captain." The captain gave him a look he interpreted as a request for additional information. "The Chief Medical Officer believes she has overtaxed herself too soon after her .. injury."

The cadet snorted. "Is that what we're calling dropping out of thin air these days?"

Spock ignored him and maintained eye contact with the captain. His expression was difficult to read, which meant Spock could take no cues on how to move the conversation forward.

"So be it. The next time she is awake, I'm to be informed," his captain ordered.

Spock inclined his head but said nothing. He did not know why the cadet was still in the room.

"Sir - " the cadet started.

"That'll be enough for now Mr. Kirk." The captain seemed to consider something before adding, "we'll talk again when I know more about the state of my ship."

Kirk's face went through several transformations before he nodded his head and left the room without a word. If he gave Spock any particular look, he didn't notice it, his eyes still locked on his captain.

Amanda took a moment to observe Harriet before she resumed her seat beside the bed. It seemed that Harriet was dreaming, if the rapid way her eyes were moving under their lids meant anything. She hoped that they were peaceful dreams. They all deserved some measure of peace at this time.

She sighed. Perhaps she should consider making her own bit of peace with the universe. She couldn't help but wonder though, about what would have happened if Harriet and her unique abilities hadn't been there to catch her as she was falling. Every time she closed her eyes, she felt it, that sensation of the earth giving out from under her, of falling, falling, fall-

No. Now was not the time, and med bay was perhaps not the best place.

"Amanda?" came Harriet's soft voice.

When had she closed her eyes? When had Harriet woken up again?

"You're crying…"

So she was.

Amanda took a deep breath. Med bay was far too public a place for the wife of a Vulcan to be seen crying, much less the wife of an elder. And there were so few people left to look to for strength… she had to collect herself, if not for herself, then for others.

She opened her eyes, forced a small smile onto her lips, and looked at Harriet.

"How are you feeling, dear? I heard you over taxed yourself."

Harriet gazed at her a bit sleepily.

"Lies."

Amanda couldn't help the quiet laugh that escaped her.

Pike looked up for the third time in less than an hour as another person walked into his room. Seeing McCoy, he quietly set aside the ship's log.

"Doctor."

"Captain," McCoy said in what Pike took to be his normal brusque bedside manner. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, thanks to you." McCoy set about reviewing the readings on the machines next to his bed without making eye contact. Pike took the time to consider what he was about to ask before deciding to just see where the question would lead him. "I was told by Kirk that there were some concerns surrounding Spock's fitness for command. What is your professional opinion?"

McCoy momentarily froze, a telling sign in and of itself, before he looked up from his chart.

"My professional opinion, sir, is that Commander Spock had nothing but bad options and did what he had to do. It's not my place to say if he made the right choices while in command."

Pike took a moment to look McCoy directly in the eye. "And yet, it is."

"What precisely are you asking sir?"

"Was he or was he not compromised?"

"We all were, sir," he said gruffly, "including Kirk." Interesting that he should call out Kirk in particular. "In spite of it all, the Commander behaved rationally and took council when it was offered. Each decision he made was thought through and the well-being of the crew, and our planet, was taken into consideration at each step."

"Are you saying he didn't respond negatively to losing his planet? That setting his vessel for a direct collision course with the enemy, while he was on board, was a decision made by a sound mind?"

McCoy sighed but didn't look away.

"No, I'm not. He needs time with a counselor, yes, but this was his own Kobayashi Maru, and I'm honestly surprised any of us held up as well as we have."

Pike took a moment to consider that, then decided not to press. There would be time later to consider Spock's actions while he was captain of the Enterprise. It was time for another non-sequitur.

"And Harriet?"

"Sir?"

"I'm to understand she played a significant role in his decision-making process."

McCoy harrumphed, and folded his arms, defensive. "You could say that." Very defensive.

Pike settled on merely raising an eyebrow, deciding to wait McCoy out. McCoy stared right back at him for a long moment before seeming to come to some sort of decision.

"Sir, I'm asking this because you're the Captain and… after everything you've been through, you should probably know." When McCoy's pause became a bit too long, he gestured for him to continue. "Are you aware Hari died to see their plans through?"

Pike could only blink back at him. "Doctor, Harriet was here not less than an hour ago."

"She was. And less than three hours ago, over seventy percent of her cells were in the process of regenerating themselves."

"What are you telling me Doctor?"

"That less than three and a half hours ago, Spock had to reaffirm to Harriet that he was committed to the Prime Directive. That her role as a Special Envoy of her people would be honored. And I'd be lying if I honestly wasn't more concerned with her willingness to put her life on the line for an organization that she doesn't trust. Spock's decisions I at least vaguely understand."

Pike resettled himself into his bed. As interesting as this new information was, he honestly wasn't surprised. She'd already hinted at being able to somehow influence another's mortality. It wasn't a stretch of the imagination, given everything he had witnessed in the last twenty-four hours, that she could influence her own mortality as well.

… it did however add a new layer to everything that she'd said and done.

AN2: I have time! So I'm writing out the last page of notes I had written for this fic. There should be 3 more chapters after this? Maybe? Only one of which is currently written but! Progress.

Also, my writing style has changed over the last year and a half or so since I picked up this story. I tried to keep to the previous style as much as possible but well yeah sacrifices were made...

Prompt: Honest critiques: Does the reader always have to know what's being said or done?