1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Funny quotes

My day is not complete till I have terrified a complete stranger ."

"Stop following me, I don't know where I'm going."

"Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say: "Who do you think you are?"

"Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional."

"Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over."

"I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either."

"STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the body's desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it."

"It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak."

"If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it."

"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence."

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?"

"I do whatever the voices tell me to. It depends on who yells the loudest."

"I hear voices, and they don't like you."

"Heaven doesn't want me, and hell's afraid I'll take over."

"Education is important, school however, is another matter entirely."

"I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.

"There are many things you should never say to a police officer. One of them is "I swear to drunk i'm not God."

"I was lost in thought yesterday... it was unfamiliar territory."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet its hard to pronounce."

Motto: Dare to be different . . .and smile at those who stare at you for it.