"Are you sure I can't bring you a cup of tea or anything, Tohru?"
Tohru glanced over to where Ayako was standing in the kitchen doorway, apron on and a spatula in hand. "No thank you, Ayako, I'm still good with my water. But thank you!"
"It's no trouble. If you're sure then I won't worry about it, but you've been looking a little peaky since we got back from the clinic. I really think it might do you good to have a little pick-me-up." Ayako's voice was encouraging; so very encouraging that Tohru almost wanted to give in, if just to make the other woman take a step back and stop looking at her so closely.
But Tohru just shook her head, giving Ayako what she hoped was a properly apologetic smile. "No, I really am fine. I'll have some tea with supper, of course, but I'll be fine with water until then. I think going out just tired me out a little bit," she said with a sigh.
Ayako nodded sympathetically and walked back to the stove. "I can understand that. You're still recovering, after all, and a doctor's appointment is always a busy time! You two just sit and rest, in that case, and I'll just get everything finished up in here."
Tohru sighed quietly as Ayako returned her attention to supper. While she loved the older woman and was immensely grateful for all her help, Ayako could be far too observant for Tohru's own good.
Today had been Hajime's four-week checkup, and it had not...gone as well as Tohru would have liked. Ayako had accompanied her to the clinic, handling all of the lifting that Tohru wouldn't be allowed to do herself for at least another couple of weeks. But she had been out in the waiting room during the actual exam, leaving Tohru to face the doctor's judgements all by herself.
"In general, he's looking very well, Mrs. Sohma, but we really need to have a serious conversation about his weight."
There they were again, those difficult, scary words.
Tohru had twisted her hands in her lap, unable to meet Dr. Goto's eyes. She could feel them, though, and was certain they were judging her. "Is it still...not where it should be?"
The doctor's voice was gentle, but very firm. "I'm afraid not, Mrs. Sohma. He's still only barely above his birth weight, which, as we discussed last week, really isn't enough at this stage."
"I'm trying, Dr. Goto, I really am! I feel like he's always eating, or always trying to eat, but it's just...I can't..." Tohru's voice was trembling; she felt like no matter what she tried to say, it wouldn't matter. She'd been trying so hard to take care of Hajime, so hard to feed him. She was his mother; it was her job to make sure she took care of him. Wasn't feeding him a big part of that, one of the most important? Wasn't it one of the greatest things a mother could do for a child, hold them close and nourish them with her own body? Wasn't it supposed to be a magical, wonderful time for the two of them, a bonding experience like no other?
She'd never expected to hate it.
Yes, hate it. As much as Tohru detested that word, much as she was loathe to use it to describe anything in life, the sad fact of the matter was...she hated nursing. Hated it. Hated it with every single fiber of her very being. She hated the way it always hurt somehow, the way it made her feel so uncomfortable. She hated the fact that Hajime never seemed satisfied and then it only ended up hurting more. And she hated the fact that in spite of everything, in spite of her trying to push through and make it work for Hajime, he still wasn't gaining weight.
She was failing him. She was a harsh, unnatural mother who hated feeding her own son, and whose unnatural feelings were consequently being punished by depriving Hajime of food. He wasn't getting enough, and it was all because she couldn't do one. Simple. Thing.
Dr. Goto was extremely sympathetic. He'd seen this before, especially with first time mothers, and it was never easy. There was so much pressure on these women to excel at everything maternal, along with the belief that everything would be easy. How much better would things be if they never had to fight against their own expectations?
"I'm sure you're doing what you can, Mrs. Sohma, and there's absolutely no reason to beat yourself up. Some women just struggle to produce enough milk, and that's perfectly and completely normal. I know you wanted to keep with exclusively nursing, but I strongly think at this point that it's time to start introducing formula. And that doesn't mean you have to stop nursing, either, simply that Hajime will be able to get some extra nutrients and hopefully start putting on some of that weight we want to see."
Dr. Goto was always so nice and encouraging. It was so nice of him to assume that the problem was entirely her lack of milk and not that she was some kind of monster who hated nursing and would jump at the chance to stop. To deprive her own son of all of the many benefits that only a mother's milk could give.
She was absolutely awful.
Tohru had been pale after the appointment, but it wasn't because she was tired. But she had accepted Ayako's explanation; she hadn't even told Kyo any of this, there was no way she was going to tell Ayako. But the entire trip back home she'd been stewing, and she continued to stew as she settled back into her chair in the living room.
Hajime was awake and alert, waving his hands and flailing at the buttons on Tohru's shirt. He was so cute, she thought fondly; now that his eyes were open more, she often found herself staring at them and wondering what color they'd end up. Right now they were a deep baby blue, but she knew that baby eyes almost never stayed the same color. Would they end up reddish-amber, like Kyo's? Brown, like her own? Or another color entirely? Only time would tell.
He didn't smile yet, not really. Occasionally he'd make facial expressions that looked like they should be a smile, but she knew it was just gas, or him testing out his facial muscles. It would be another month or so before he'd actually start smiling at them, and a month seemed a very long time away.
But really...would he even want to smile at her when that month had passed? Could he feel how much she stiffened when it was time for him to eat? Could he sense that she clearly didn't love him as much as she should?
Tohru hadn't realized how long she'd been sitting, lost in her thoughts until Ayako's voice once again broke in on her reverie.
"Tohru, do you want me to make the tea for supper, or would you rather keep waiting for Kyo? He seems to be running at least a little bit late tonight."
Tohru shook herself out of her brooding and glanced at the clock. It was nearly seven; Kyo usually got home around 6:45. Had he said anything about running late that night that she'd managed to forget?
She realized Ayako was still waiting for an answer, and she blushed. "I'll wait for Kyo, Ayako. I don't remember him mentioning he'd be late tonight, so hopefully he'll be here soon. But you don't have to wait for him," she added, realizing that Ayako normally left as soon as Kyo got home. He taught late classes twice a week, but Wednesday wasn't one of those days and Ayako was surely looking to get home and have some time with Sensei Kenichi.
"Are you sure? It's no trouble on me to wait, I'm sure he'll be home anytime."
Tohru nodded. "Me too, but that's why you shouldn't wait. I'm sure Sensei Kenichi is looking forward to having dinner with you; Hajime and I will be fine by ourselves until Kyo gets back."
"Well, as long as you're sure." Ayako slid the pans with the stir-fry off of the heat and covered it with the lid. "Rice is in the cooker, pickles are in the fridge. The fish is in the warmer, stir-fry is in on the back of the stove, and everything for the tea is all laid out and ready to go." She'd taken off her apron as she was speaking, and made her way out into the living room to gently rest her hand on Hajime's head. He blinked owlishly up at her, then burbled and waved his arms, making both women smile.
"He really is just too precious, isn't he?"
"He really is," Tohru agreed softly. Why couldn't she appreciate him more?
"Alright. I'll just be on my way, then; I'll be back to see the two of you tomorrow morning. You have a wonderful night's sleep, Tohru."
"Thanks, Ayako; have a good night!"
Ayako was just slipping on her coat when the front door opened. "And there he is now! We were right, Tohru, just a little late." She gave Kyo a smile as she picked up her purse, quickly shushing Kyo's attempts to apologize to her. "It's fine, Kyo, no harm done. But dinner is all ready, and you'd better go make your wife some tea!"
Kyo quickly stripped off his outwear as the door closed behind Ayako. "I'm sorry, Tohru, things wound up running a little late tonight. I had to break up a fight in the locker room between three of Sasaki's Yonkyūs, and it got a little messy."
"Oh dear, I hope no one was hurt!"
"A bloody nose and some bruised egos. But they got to clean up their mess, and I turned them over to Sasaki to deal with, so hopefully she'll scare them enough to stop this from happening again."
Tohru couldn't help but giggle at the image; Sensei Yuna Sasaki might be a godan like Kyo and a very gifted karateka, but she was even shorter and more soft-spoken than Tohru. It was hard to imagine her striking fear into anyone, especially preteen boys who'd managed to draw blood!
Kyo heard the giggle and he chuckled, guessing the cause. "Hey, don't underestimate Sasaki. She can be downright scary when she wants to be, and I'm pretty sure she wanted to be tonight. She was pretty pissed off."
"Well, I'm glad you were able to help her out."
Kyo joined Tohru and Hajime in the living room, giving her a kiss and Hajime a pat on the head. "And how has your day been, you two? Hopefully less bloody."
At least she could confirm on the blood front. "No blood, nope, so I guess you could say it was pretty ok."
Kyo had made his way into the kitchen and started making Tohru's tea. "How'd Hajime's appointment go? That was today, right?"
Tohru's stomach immediately twisted. She'd been trying to figure out how to bring up the weight issue for nearly two weeks now, and just...hadn't been able to find the words. This was the third appointment Hajime had had where the doctor had had concerns about Hajime's weight, and the third time she felt that same smothering guilt.
The first time, she hadn't mentioned it to Kyo because it hadn't seemed like a huge deal. The doctor hadn't been concerned, not then; he'd more pointed it out so that Tohru would be aware. Just sort of 'hey, he's not where we'd like him to be, but it's not bad.' So she'd kept it to herself.
Then last week, it had been a little more serious. That was when Dr. Goto had first brought up the idea of formula, which Tohru had almost frantically rejected. She would just have to try harder. To do a better job thinking positive thoughts. To make sure she was eating properly nutritious foods and doing everything she could to make both her body and mind come together and take proper care of Hajime.
Today's appointment had showed just how well all of that had worked.
"Tohru?" Kyo was standing at the counter looking at her, a slight frown on his face. "How was Hajime's appointment," He repeated.
Tohru felt sick. She'd failed not only Hajime, but Kyo, too. He was working so hard to take care of everything while she recovered; she was doing literally nothing around the house, or for the family, except for taking care of Hajime. That was it. That was all. Healing, and taking care of Hajime. Her one single job. And she couldn't do it.
"Tohru, what's wrong?" Kyo's voice was laced with fear now, and he'd walked back out of the kitchen to look at her. To look at Hajime.
Tohru took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. "I'm sorry, Kyo, I'm probably making it sound like a bigger thing than I should." Or a much smaller thing, because having a mother who couldn't mother was a pretty big failing. "But Dr. Goto wanted to tell me today that Hajime isn't gaining as much weight as he should." Or hardly any at all.
Compared with what Kyo's imagination had started to cook up in Tohru's silence, the truth seemed almost laughable and he let out a sigh of relief. "Oh." Still, it probably wasn't a good thing, and Kyo looked down at Hajime with a concerned frown. "Did he have any suggestions what we should do about it?"
Tohru tried to smile. "Feed him more, basically"
Kyo could understand why that was a hard one for Tohru. Ever since the very first day, she'd struggled with nursing; she wouldn't admit it, not even to Kyo, but she couldn't hide it from him either. It genuinely worried him, how unhappy she always seemed to be when it was time for Hajime to eat, but she'd also almost aggressively resisted on the few occasions he'd dared bring up formula.
Still, if the doctor was concerned, then it might be time to revisit that conversation.
Tohru could guess what Kyo was thinking, but she didn't want to talk about it now. She was already feeling way too much like a failure to smile and listen to him point out the many benefits of bottles, not when she should have two perfectly adequate breasts. Except they weren't adequate; they were barely functional. Just like the part of her brain that was supposed to make her love this, the part that should have been willing to push through the pain and cherish every moment.
Kyo would be so disgusted with her, if he suspected even half of this.
"But can we talk about this later, Kyo? Ayako has supper all ready, if you're ready to eat. I know I am," she said with a timid smile.
Kyo looked at Tohru for a long moment, his gaze far too piercing by half. She tried to look natural, tried not to crack. And it must have worked, because after that moment he nodded. "Yeah, we can eat. Let me put Hajime in his bassinet so you can wash up."
Tohru kept up a steady, light-hearted stream of conversation all through dinner. She told Kyo about the day's activities, including the trip to the clinic, and Hajime's latest adventures in lying on his tummy on the floor. She meant to sound cheerful and to set his mind at ease.
But she very quickly came to the uncomfortable realization that he was suddenly seeing right through her. The carefully cultivated mask she'd been wearing for weeks had slipped, and now he was looking beyond it into the ugly truth behind it. How much did he know, even now?
Just how hard was he judging her?
Tohru was right in one respect; Kyo didn't buy her attempt to be cheerful, not for a moment. She was trying too hard; it was too forced. And even if her voice was bubbly, her eyes were anxious, and he couldn't help but notice the way they kept flicking to his, then darting away. She was worried.
Worried about Hajime? Worried about nursing?
If it didn't make literally no sense, he'd almost think she was worried about him.
All through dinner, he was only half listening to Tohru's attempts at pleasant conversation. The rest of the time, he was thinking about Hajime's weight, Tohru's nursing struggles, and trying to figure out a way to talk about formula that wouldn't get his head bitten off.
It was a tall order, and he didn't have a satisfactory answer by the time dinner was over. But Tohru's obvious anxiety was starting to freak him out, and he didn't want to wait to address it any longer than he had to.
They'd just finished clearing the table and were both in the kitchen. Tohru was just turning to head back out to the living room when Kyo caught her wrist. "Hey, Tohru, can we talk about the doctor's appointment today? Please?"
Tohru had automatically looked back at Kyo when he'd caught her, but her eyes dropped at his words. He hated to see it; hated the way that she suddenly wouldn't look at him. But that made him all the more certain that this was something they actually needed to discuss. Clearly the whole thing was affecting her, pretty severely, too; he could understand that, seeing how defensive she was of anything related to Hajime's eating habits.
But if he wasn't gaining weight, that was something they needed to fix.
Kyo's voice had been gentle, but to Tohru, it felt like an accusation and she shied away. "I don't know, Kyo, is there really anything else more to say about it? Hajime isn't as big as he ought to be, and he needs to eat more. I need to do a better job," she added softly.
There it was, the real problem. "This isn't on you, Tohru."
Her eyes flicked back to his, and he was shocked to see anger. And there was anger in her voice, too; anger, and bitterness. "How? How can't it be on me, when I'm the one who's supposed to be feeding him?"
"Tohru..."
She pulled her hand away and walked back to the living room. "Please, Kyo, I really don't want to talk about this right now."
He let her go, too stunned by her anger to even try to insist on anything right now. But he followed her into the living room, sitting down at the table as she sat back down in her chair. And he was still watching her, a point that she was painfully aware of and currently kind of hated.
Both of them were silent for a few long minutes, then Kyo sighed. "You know you can always tell me when something is bothering you, right Tohru? I promise, whatever it is, I'll listen."
His voice was so gentle that Tohru was almost swayed, and she could feel her lower lip trembling. But much as she wanted to believe him, she didn't know if she could. She was sure he meant what he was saying, or at least he thought he meant it; but how would he feel if she actually told him? What would he say if he knew just how unnatural she was? She already hated herself for it; she couldn't deal with it if he started hating her, too.
So instead, she let out a long sigh and shook her head. "You're sweet, Kyo. Really. But I just...can't. Not tonight." She looked over at him, and the anger was gone from her eyes; instead, they looked heavy and tired. "And I know we need to talk about the...food thing," she admitted, swallowing, "but can we please do it tomorrow? Even in the morning before you go to the dojo, if you want to, I just...can't deal with that any more today."
Kyo got up and came to kneel beside Tohru's chair, resting one arm on the armrest and taking her hand in his other. He wasn't pleased with her answer, any of it, but now was not the time to push. "Tomorrow, then."
The rest of the evening passed as though it were under a cloud. They both played with Hajime; Kyo even got down on the floor with him for a while, and Tohru giggled as Kyo coaxed Hajime to lift his head and cheered him whenever he succeeded. They talked a bit about Kyo's day at the dojo, and joked about Ayako's pent-up grandmotherly urges. It was almost normal. But they kept glancing at each other, and each of their expressions was anxious. They laughed, but with a note of hesitancy. And behind each of their smiles was just a hint of worry.
That night when they settled into the futon, Tohru gave Kyo a kiss as usual, and he pulled her into his arms as usual. But it took some time before either of them managed to sleep.