Kyo tended to be a light sleeper, but even he cycled through stages of deep sleep. And it was during one of those stages that he first became aware of the crying.

Though Kyo couldn't do anything to help with feedings, he still tried to help out as much as he could at night. Hajime was currently waking 3-4 times during the overnight hours, and Kyo would typically get up every other wakeup to change Hajime's diaper and replenish Tohru's water. It wasn't a perfect system, but it helped him feel like he was contributing something to what had rapidly proved to be Tohru's worst hours.

He was so deeply asleep that at first the crying had been confusing; what was that sound, and where was it coming from? Then as he started to wake up, he groaned, feeling that it was far too soon for Hajime to be waking up again. But as his steady progression towards wakefulness continued alongside the crying, Kyo rapidly started to realize that something was wrong, and when he finally shot up he was fueled by pure adrenaline.

It wasn't Hajime crying; at least, it wasn't Hajime crying alone. It was Tohru.

The two of them were sitting in the recliner, Hajime wailing in Tohru's arms and Tohru hunched over him, sobbing hysterically. Kyo was across the room in an instant, even the slightest trace of exhaustion banished by his complete and abject fear.

"Tohru, talk to me. It's Kyo, I'm here. I'm here." With shaking hands, he lifted Hajime up and away from Tohru's arms, cradling him against his chest with one arm and rubbing Tohru's back with the other hand. Both Tohru and Hajime continued to cry, and Kyo didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. He just knew that he needed to do something.

In that moment, he was absolutely furious with himself. He'd known there was something wrong with Tohru that evening; he'd known it. And he'd let himself be talked out of doing anything about it, been stopped from figuring out what might be wrong. Whatever specifically bothering her had had all this time to keep eating at her and eating at her, and now...

At least he could tell Hajime was ok. He might be wailing like an ambulance siren, but it was his 'hunger' cry, not something more serious. He wasn't hurt, and he wasn't afraid. Probably. Just, very, very hungry.

Tohru, on the other hand, he had no idea. She was crying so hard her entire body was convulsing; now that Hajime was gone, her face was buried in her hands. If she heard Kyo, if she felt him, if she knew he was there at all, she was giving no sign, simply lost to the intensity of her feelings.

Kyo needed to do something. He needed to do something. He needed to do something!

For the moment, he abandoned Tohru, taking Hajime back over to his bassinet. There had to be a pacifier in there, if only Hajime would take it. "Hush, Hajime, it's ok. It's all ok. We'll get you sorted out, it'll all be fine." There was some tense touch and go while Hajime mouthed suspiciously at the pacifier, then Kyo let out a deeply relieved sigh as Hajime finally took it and started to aggressively suck. "That's my good boy. You just hang tight for a bit now, Daddy will be back."

But right now, he needed to help Mommy.

Kyo was practically holding his breath as he set Hajime down in the bassinet, but the baby kept his death grip on the pacifier. And that was all Kyo needed, for now.

Hajime safely taken care of, Kyo hurried back across the room to Tohru, crouching beside her and wrapping his arms around her. "Tohru Tohru Tohru, it's me, please talk to me. I'm here, I've got you, please tell me what's wrong. It's all gonna be ok, just talk to me. Breathe, and talk to me."

It had just been a simple night wakeup, like so many others before it. Tohru had only barely glanced at the dark red numbers on the tv display, but that glance had been enough to tell her it was 3:44am. That strange, nebulous time when it was too late to be night and too early to be day, when nothing made sense and everything just felt infinitely harder.

Even though Tohru had always been a heavy sleeper, she always heard Hajime. Half the time, she even heard him before Kyo. Was this part of being a mother, she'd wondered? Having every part of her being bent to sense this little life she'd grown? She certainly hoped so; it would be nice to have one part of this that she was actually good at.

Kyo had handled the previous wakeup, which was just as well, because he was totally out of it. And she'd smiled tiredly at the peaceful look on Kyo's face when she hoisted herself up from the futon. It was nice he could be peaceful. Somebody ought to be peaceful, at 3:44am.

3:45am, now.

Hajime was fussing. Nothing too excessive, not yet. But she'd heard him; it had been enough to wake her up. And she sighed, in spite of herself. Of course he was hungry; he was a baby, he needed to eat. Even more than he actually did. Wasn't that what the doctor had told her today, for the third straight week? Hajime needed more milk.

Why didn't she have more milk?

"Shh, Hajime, it's ok. Mommy's here. Let's try to be nice and quiet and let Daddy sleep, hmm?" She liked to think that he understood, even though she knew it was impossible. He couldn't even see them that well yet with his developing baby eyes; he certainly couldn't understand speech. But it was nice to imagine he could, nice to think that he was willing to work with her.

3:50.

Maybe by thinking he understood, she was trying to convince herself that she could just explain. Explain why in spite of everything, she couldn't take care of him. Why she wanted so desperately to do right by him, to see him grow up to be big and strong, the spitting image of his father. She didn't have too long that he'd be just hers, not really. He'd grow up, and he'd have to be shared. With daycare, then nursery school, then school, and so much further beyond. He would always be her son, but he'd only be her baby for a short while. Only be dependent on her for a short while.

They had such a short time together. Every moment should count.

Why couldn't she make every moment count?

Cradling Hajime in her arms, Tohru crossed the room and carefully settled into the recliner. Hajime knew the drill; he had already turned his head and was started to root around at her, looking for a breast. She hadn't even had a chance to open her top yet; she was just so tired, and he was so much faster than she was. She needed to try to do better.

"Just a second, Hajime, just give Mommy a second. Mommy's got you, that's my nice patient boy." She felt Hajime's tiny hand on her bare skin and she felt herself tensing, knowing what was about to happen and hating it. Hating that she hated it. Hating that she had backed herself into this corner of needing to take care of someone and failing to provide. He deserved so much better than her. She loved him so much, but was that really enough? Love wasn't enough to nourish a body, much as it might be needed to nourish a spirit. And how strong could that love be if it turned her stomach and made her want to cry every time he tried to eat?

Tohru didn't know what she expected. If she hoped that somehow, magically, this time would be better. This time, everything would work the way it was supposed to. She'd feel that amazing rush of love she'd always heard about, the one she'd dreamed about feeling herself. She'd been so very naïve; imagine, she'd actually dreamed about nursing her child. Like it was something to look forward to. Was she so very clueless, or was it just that she was that broken? Her love was broken, just like her breasts. None of them were enough.

She wasn't enough.

When Hajime's mouth closed on her breast, it hurt. It probably hurt the same way it had always hurt, but tonight that hurt was exponentially worse. It was actual pain, and it was the pain of days and days of or worry, days and days of beating herself down. Of hearing that her son was hungry because of her. Of knowing her son wasn't cherished enough by her.

It was all too much.

Tohru let out a shrieking gasp of pain, and that was enough to scare Hajime into letting go. Tohru's hand flew up to her breast, covering the nipple and blocking Hajime from taking it again. It all hurt, it hurt too much. Tohru couldn't take it any more, and she collapsed over Hajime, sobbing hysterically.

She wasn't pressing on Hajime in any way; even in her emotional turmoil, she was aware enough hold him safely. But between losing his food source and Tohru's loud sobs, Hajime's own upset exploded and he joined his wails with hers.

She'd done that. She'd made him cry. He was hungry because of her. He was screaming like that because of her.

Tohru couldn't sit up, she couldn't move. She could barely breathe, she could barely think. All she could do was let the emotion wash over her, the pain and the grief and the intense, overwhelming guilt.

Kyo's voice didn't register, not at first. Neither did the touch of his hands as he took Hajime out of her arms. She was too caught up in everything else, too caught up in her own waking nightmare of pain and shame.

Then Kyo's arms were around her, holding her tightly. She could feel him, and her impulse was to cling to him, the same way she always clung to him when she most needed an anchor. But how could she now? There had to be limits to even what Kyo could take from her, and how could he forgive what was so completely unforgivable?

"Tohru Tohru Tohru, it's me, please talk to me. I'm here, I've got you, please tell me what's wrong. It's all gonna be ok, just talk to me. Breathe, and talk to me."

4:02am.

Kyo held Tohru tightly in his arms, feeling her entire body shudder and twitch under the force of her sobs. The intensity of her emotion was terrifying; it was as though she didn't even know he was there. It was like something had finally snapped inside Tohru, something that had been building for only she could guess how long, and it was carrying her away.

He just kept talking. "Shh, Tohru, it's gonna be ok. Everything is gonna be ok. I'm here. I've got you. You're safe with me. You're always safe with me."

Feeling the tiny touch of one of Tohru's hands on his arm was a welcome relief, even if she hadn't calmed or quieted down. It meant that he was reaching her; that she finally knew that he was here.

"Try to breathe, Tohru. Breathe, and relax. I'm here with you. I'll take care of you. You can talk to me. Whatever this is, you can talk to me."

Her hand on her arm clenched slightly, and Tohru's sobs intensified again. She didn't believe him? Didn't trust him?

Kyo struggled to fight off his rapidly intensifying feeling of dread. How had he let things get this bad? How had he not seen this?

"I swear, Tohru, I mean it. All of it. Whatever it is, we just need to talk about it. Together. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. We always figure it out, you and me together. No matter what. I love you, always and forever, and nothing you're gonne say will change that."

He was aware of another shift in Tohru's body as a deep shudder ran through her, and he held her even tighter. Then Tohru was gasping, trying to force words out through the sobs that still racked her body.

"You don't...you wouldn't...you can't..."

Kyo's voice was gentle, but extremely firm. "I can, Tohru, I swear that I can. You never have to worry about me, I swear. I'll always be here for you, always."

He seemed so sure of himself, so confidant. She wanted to believe him. Wanted to trust him. Wanted to take the chance to finally unburden herself, to pour out everything she'd been carrying for so long. But how could she, when it was all so ugly? How could she share that unnatural side with him, when he'd done nothing but excel at fatherhood himself?

"I don't...I just..."

Kyo scooted closer and dropped his head to bury his face in Tohru's hair. "I'm here, Tohru. You can tell me anything. I want to hear it, any of it. Please let me in, Tohru, please."

He was pleading with her. She'd scared him; even now, Kyo was holding her, scared.

What was scarier, knowing she'd done this to him, or fearing what he might say if he knew?

Tohru took a deep breath, then another. Then another. Slowly, she began to regain control of herself, if the smallest, tiniest amount. She was still fighting it; still being crushed under the oppressive weight. But Kyo was trying so badly to help her, and she wanted to let him.

Even if she was so very afraid.

"I'm failing, Kyo!" The words had to fight to make it past their tears, but they were finally clear, finally spoken. "I can't do it!" Kyo shifted back to look at her and Tohru lifted her head, her body still trembling and her voice shaking and broken with sobs and hiccups.

Kyo latched onto her words immediately, shaking his head. "No Tohru, you're not! You're not failing, not at anything. You're so good, so absolutely amazing at all of this. You're amazing!"

He was so sweet, and so very wrong.

"I'm not, Kyo, I'm not! I'm terrible! I'm...defective," she sobbed out the word, dropping her head back into her hands. "I don't work right! I don't feel right! I just...I can't do this!"

Tohru's sobs were starting to ramp up again, but Kyo wasn't about to let her lose herself again if there was any way he could help. He didn't know exactly what she was talking about, not yet. Definitely something maternal, and if he were a betting man he'd probably put money on nursing. But he wasn't going to gamble, not when Tohru was like this.

He needed her to tell him.

Kyo held her close, stroking her hair. "You're not, Tohru, you're not. Everything is hard right now, I know. I know you're struggling, and I'm sorry. So sorry, Tohru. I should have done a better job helping you, you shouldn't have had to deal with any of this by yourself!" He was angry with himself; what had he been doing however long this had been building, that he hadn't noticed?

But she didn't need him to be getting caught up in self-recrimination. "You are not defective. You are amazing and wonderful and loving and the best mother Hajime could possibly hope to have."

Tohru was shaking her head against him. "I'm not, Kyo, I'm not! I'm awful!" She hiccupped again. "You'd think I was awful too, if you knew."

The dread was intensifying again, but he couldn't leave that there. "You don't know that, Tohru. You can tell me, and I promise that whatever it is, we'll work it out."

"But we can't, Kyo! There's nothing to work out! Believe me, I've tried and I've tried and I just...I can't. I can't change it! I can't! I'm too broken."

Kyo's grip tightened around her even more. "Then we can still talk about it, even if we can't fix it. Whatever it is, Tohru, I swear you can tell me. I need you to tell me."

Tohru took another deep breath, then her voice came, low and quiet. "I hate it, Kyo."

At first, Kyo thought he'd misheard. Tohru didn't hate anything, except the word hate. It was too ugly, too definite. It left no room for redemption. But then she repeated it again, a little more loudly. And the feeling of dread exploded.

He'd never been more terrified than the day Tohru gave birth. He wasn't that scared right now, but he was filled with a new kind of fear that he'd never felt before as he listened to Tohru and the quiet, almost resigned way she said 'I hate it.' What did she hate?

Or was it...who?

Kyo's eyes flew to the opposite corner of the room where Hajime was lying in his bassinet, then flew back to Tohru, filled with fear. He was scared of her answer, but he needed to know. "What do you hate, Tohru?"

There was a long pause, then Tohru practically spat it out. "Nursing. I hate it. I hate it so much, I hate every part of it! I hate how it hurts and how it ties me down and how it feels and how no matter how much I try, it's not enough!" Weeks of feelings were suddenly pouring out, an avalanche of words delivered in a bitter, teary voice. "I hate it! I hate it so much, and then I hate myself that I feel this way!"

The bitterness was gone now, replaced once again by guilt and shame. "I'm his mother, Kyo. I'm supposed to take care of him. I'm supposed to do my best. But I can't feed him, I can't! Even when I try, I can't, because my stupid breasts don't work! I try and I try and I try, so hard, and I hate it so much, and it doesn't even matter! He's not getting enough, he's not growing! I'm failing him, Kyo!"

Tohru collapsed back into Kyo's arms, sobbing against him. And Kyo closed his eyes, allowing himself to enjoy a moment of sweet relief. What he had feared had been terrible; this, he could work with.

And this, he should have seen coming. He had seen it coming, or at least the signs. He'd seen the faces she made when Hajime latched, heard the resigned sighs when it was time for Hajime to eat. But Tohru had always been so adamant; she'd fought against even the gentlest hint of a bottle.

He should have tried harder.

"You're not failing him, Tohru, and you're not broken. You are doing your best, you are!" He held her close, one hand stroking her hair. "You've done your absolute best, and no one can deny it. You've been amazing. Sometimes it was all I could just to sit and watch you, knowing how hard you were working." Kyo kissed her temple, then her cheek. "It's ok, Tohru. All of it. None of it is your fault. It's ok to stop nursing, I swear."

She lifted her tear-stained face. "But it isn't, Kyo, it really isn't! Haven't you read any of the literature? It's so, so much better for babies to nurse, and it's supposed to be so good for...for...the bond," she started crying again, burying her face in his chest once more.

Kyo had to fight the urge to scowl, wishing he could punch whoever might have written said literature. "Tohru, you and Hajime already have an amazing bond. I've seen it," he said with a smile. "You just have to see how he looks at you to know how much he loves you, or look at you to see how you love him." He squeezed her tightly, meaning every word. "And what's best for babies is to be fed. I mean, that's why they made formula, right? So that all babies could be fed, and grow? There's a lot of babies out there who didn't nurse, I'm sure, and it's not even that he didn't. You've nursed him for a whole month, Tohru, even with everything else you were going through. That's amazing!"

Tohru sniffled. "But I'm supposed to want to, Kyo! It's supposed to be part of motherhood!"

"Well, it's a pretty shitty part of motherhood if you're supposed to want to be tortured." Kyo was serious, and he stroked Tohru's face. "I swear, Tohru, it's ok. All of it is ok. I know this isn't what you hoped for, and I'm sorry. But this is what we've gotta deal with, and we will." He shifted his hand to cup her chin, and tilted her face back to look up into his eyes.

"I'm not gonna sit back and watch you torture yourself anymore, Tohru. If you ask yourself, honestly, if you think it's helping you and Hajime, to sit together and hate what you're doing so often, what do you say?"

He was right. As much as she hated to admit it, he was right. All this time, she'd been...poisoning them.

Tohru started crying again, and Kyo pulled her back against him. "It'll all be ok, Tohru, I swear. None of this is your fault, and none of this is because you're broken. Because you're not. You're amazing and loving and wonderful, and it just happens that nursing isn't your thing. And that's ok. It's ok, Tohru"

She didn't completely believe him, but for now, it was enough. It had to be enough.

And he hadn't turned his back on her. She'd voiced the ugly thoughts, and he'd still stayed by her side.

Tohru let out another shuddery breath, then pulled back to look over at Hajime's bassinet. She could hear that he was getting increasingly frustrated; it was pretty amazing he'd been contented with the pacifier as long as he had.

He was hungry.

Tohru glanced up at Kyo. "Kyo, in the main pocket of the diaper bag...there's some formula samples and a bottle, from Dr. Goto?"

Kyo kissed her cheek again and pushed to his feet. "I'll get it, Tohru. For once, just let me take care of it."

As Kyo went to find the formula, Tohru leaned back in the chair and ran her hands up over her face. She still felt terrible; her head ached, her body ached, her chest ached. Her heart ached. She still felt guilty, incredibly so. Kyo might not be judging her, but she still felt the weight of her own judgement, and it was heavy.

4:53am.

Why was all of this so hard?

A/N: I've been putting Tohru through the wringer, sorry. It's going to get more cheerful, I promise!