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kids next door mission
operation:
c.l.a.i.r.e.
cootie
laden
adventure
in
restricted
environment
As the transport landed in the hidden hangar of the Kids Next Door Moonbase, seven-year-old Claire Mathison grew excited. Her older brother Clark had been ordered to babysit her while their parents were out. So when Clark was sent there to be looked at by KND doctors and interviewed about their trip to the Deep Sea Science lab, he had to bring her along. As they exited the craft, Clark was escorted by two guards and was directed to the hospital section of the base. They entered a waiting room that was empty. She sat down on one of the chairs. Then the guards left when a doctor emerged from another door and looked at her.
"Hello!" Claire said. "Why are we here?"
"Well, uh, Claire, is it?" he said. "I was ordered to check on your brother for something called 'cooties', which I think is ridiculous."
"I think it's funny," she said.
"Well, we're wasting time and resources, so if you think that's funny, I wish I could laugh with you." Then he turned to Clark. "Numbuh 381, you ready for your check-up?"
Clark scoffed, "As I'll ever be." He turned to his sister. "Careful," he said, "some of them are still scared of you." He went inside, and the door closed. Claire sat around for about a minute, then got up and went to the door. She emerged in a hallway. She saw a bunch of other kids older than her who wore some very unique armor made up of household items. She followed down the hallway to an intersection, filled with kids moving around. She stood in the middle and took in the sights and sounds of the place. The Moonbase was definitely exciting. Suddenly she was bumped and she was plowed into a boy wearing a lab coat. The two fell down on the floor.
"Hey, watch it!" he cried out. She sat up on top of him. The kid, for some reason, suddenly became scared. He must have been one of those scientists Clark hanged around with. No worries, she thought, she would love to know more about him.
"Hello!" she beamed, as she extended her hand. He screamed extremely loud, attracting the attention of a bunch of other kids. "What's wrong?" she asked.
"The cooties!" he cried out, "I'm done for! Tell my family I love them! My body! No!"
She laughed. This kid was pretty silly, she thought. "You're funny!" Then the boy fainted. "Hello? You must be tired after all that screaming. I know! I'll get you some water!" She looked at the kids who surrounded them. They looked scared for some reason. "Can I have some water?" Suddenly, everyone screamed and ran off in all sorts of directions. Soon the halls were empty. She was confused. "Are you guys playing hide and seek?" There was silence for a few seconds before an alarm suddenly went off. "Oh. I guess I'm it. Ready or not, here I come!" she said as she got off him and began to search for the hidden kids.
When the alarm sounded, Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door Numbuh 362, Rachel McKenzie, believed that the Moonbase was under attack. That's strange, she thought, there wasn't anything on the radar. She ordered her communications technology officer Numbuh 65.3 to bring out the cameras. "Cycle the screens," she ordered. Each screen flashed through the monitor. When the screens showed the outside of the hospital section of the Moonbase, she saw a little blonde girl, about seven-ish, wearing a purple dress, wandering around a desolate plaza, specifically the plaza fronting the medical areas. So it's just a lost girl, she thought. Operatives always bring a few family members every now and then (usually children, the occasional parent, and even teenagers in a few cases), though thankfully no one was there to harm the KND. But why did everyone disappear? The hospital section usually has people milling around. Rachel ordered, "Numbuh 65.3, get me some guards to look for the girl. I need her interrogated immediately. We have no idea what she is capable of."
Drill Sergeant Numbuh 60, Patton Drilovsky, was running down the hallway with a stack of papers to bring to Numbuh 362. The papers contained all sorts of reports on the goings-on of the Kids Next Door Arctic Base. Each one has to be reviewed by the Supreme Leader or her assistants. He noticed that the Moonbase was unusually quiet at this time. When he noticed it, he began to slow down. That's when he noticed the blonde girl in a purple dress. She was skipping around, saying things like "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Apparently, someone decided on an unauthorized game of hide and seek. He placed down the stack of papers and approached the girl.
"Hey," he said, "are you lost?"
She paused, then said, "No, I'm playing hide and seek." She extended her arm. "Hello! My name is Claire!"
He chuckled. "The name's Patton."
"Ooh. Are you a soldier?" Claire queried, as she retracted her arm.
"Well," he said, "you could say that."
"Wow, I like you already."
"Well, I'm flattered. So, what are you doing here?"
"My brother Clark is babysitting me. He has a check-up."
"I hope he's OK." A smile appeared on the little girl's face. "Care if I show you around?"
Before Claire could respond, someone screamed, "No!" Patton turned around and saw an operative peering out of a door.
"She's infected! Don't touch her!" he cried out.
"Oh, come on," Patton said exasperatedly, "you think I'm scared of a disease? In fact, I think they ought to be scared of you! You're Kids Next Door operatives! I can't believe you're hiding like a bunch of babies! Besides, I have gloves!"
"But she has Coogitisnal Octo-Oogie Tetra-Infecto Epi-Stractococcus!" another guy said.
Patton sighed, "What in God's holy name is that?"
The boy hiding in the door suddenly became nervous. "Uh, you see..."
"What in the name of Rainbow Monkeys is goin' on here?!"
Patton and Claire turned around and saw Numbuh 86, her Decommissioning Squad, and a boatload of Moonbase Guards with their weapons aimed at them.
"Whoa, I'm just an innocent bystander," Patton declared, putting his hands up. "Apparently Claire has a problem with some people at the Moonbase."
"Problem?!" another hidden kid cried out. "That...that thing is a biological weapon!"
"Biological weapon?!" Numbuh 86 cried out. "Fer all that is holy, what does she have?"
"They say it's Coogitisnal Octo-Oogie Tetra-Infecto Epi-Stractococcus," Patton replied.
Head of Decommissioning Numbuh 86, Fanny Fulbright, stood there, staring at Patton, mouth agape, in silence for a few seconds before saying, "Coogiti-whaaa?"
"I know," Patton said, "I'm just as confused as you are."
"Is that a weapon?" Numbuh 99 wondered aloud.
"I think this is a test," Numbuh 91 suggested.
"Maybe it's all in our heads," one of the Numbuh 44 twins offered.
Fanny lifted her M.U.S.K.E.T. back up and aimed it at the people hiding, who were slowly exposing themselves, fearful of the threat that both Claire and Fanny posed. She found one kid, a nine-year-old boy. She marched up to him and grabbed him by his collar. "What does she have?" she questioned coldly. The child quivered in fear. "Tell me or I will have ya decommissioned where ya stand!"
The boy hesitated to speak. "S-s-she has the...the..."
"Spit it out, ya stupid boy!" she screamed.
"She...she has the cooties!"
Silence filled the area. For ten long seconds, the air became tense. Then Fanny began to chuckle.
"Cooties..." she said, "she has the cooties." Everyone stared at her. Fanny turned towards her colleagues and said, "Hundreds of Kids Next Door operatives were running around scared like chickens...because this girl" – pointing to Claire – "has the cooties." She laughed. Then she threw the boy onto the floor. The laughter disappeared, and in its place was utter rage. "I can't believe it! Ya stupid bastards were runnin' amok because of cooties?! That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Girls don't have cooties! It's malarkey! Nonsense! The epitome of stupidity! And it's the lowest you've ever gone! E'en fer a buncha stoo-pid boys! Ya set off alarms for something that doesn't exist! Ya should be ashamed of yerselves! All of ye!" When she finished screaming, her face seethed with anger. Suddenly there was a stirring behind the crowd of guards.
"Excuse me, pardon me, I have important business here." An operative with blond hair emerged. "Numbuh 86, sir!" he saluted. "Numbuh 381, wishing to address –"
"Oh, can it with the formalities!" Fanny cried out. "Why is everyone hidin' from the cooties – which doesn't exist – and bringin' Moonbase to a standstill?!"
"Oh, well, you see, some scientists took my sister and –"
"Scientists?"
"KND scientists, sir. They heard of an epidemic of cooties at my school and –"
"They couldn't e'en tell apart Ulster from Leinster! Why didja e'en have 'em take her?"
"Well, a teenager, Cree Lincoln, broke her out because –"
"Frankly, I oughta give that teenager credit fer once. Yer sister has absolutely nothin' wrong with her. The only problem I have is that traitor didn't quarantine those so-called scientists!"
"Okay," a girl's voice called out, "what's going on here?" The crowd gave way to the Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door. Numbuh 362 approached Fanny, Patton, Numbuh 381, and his sister.
"I'll tell ya what's goin' on here!" Fanny declared. "Our so-called scientists have feathers fer brains! They're wastin' time and resources fer cooties! I say we throw them all into godforsaken deep space, 'cause they don't deserve the mercy of decommissionin'!"
"Fanny," Rachel said sternly.
Fanny stood at attention and saluted her. "Sir!"
"At ease, soldier. Now, then," she said, addressing Numbuh 381, "uh..."
"Numbuh 381, sir."
"Name."
"Clark Mathison."
"Clark. Who is that girl and why did my Head of Decommissioning scream her head off?"
"Oh, well, that's my sister Claire. The KND scientists believed she was causing cooties at our school, so they dubbed her Patient Numbuh C. They took her to the Deep Sea Science Lab and quarantined her, but then Cree Lincoln broke into it looking for something, and then she released her from quarantine. Then she managed to escape into the B.L.U.B.B.E.R. I was stationed in. At one point she actually touched me, but I was told by Numbuh 74.239 that I couldn't get cooties from my sister."
"Oh, thank God, there's some sense of intelligence somewhere!" Fanny cried out.
"Don't get your hopes up," Clark said. "I touched Numbuh 74.239 after he said that and he started screaming and running."
"Serves him right for being scared of a little girl," Patton quipped.
"Then I was told to report here for a check-up and an interview about the incident since it involved my sister and all that. When I heard the alarm I thought we were under attack!"
"I thought so too," Rachel said.
"It was when I heard Numbuh 86 screaming that I found out that my sister was involved," he sighed. "Man, I need a break."
"Don't worry," Rachel assured him, "we'll get you some well-deserved rest."
Suddenly, Patton felt a tug on his sleeves. Claire was looking at him. "What? You think this is crazy, try being a Kids Next Door operative!"
Claire laughed. "You're funny!"
Patton looked at everyone else. "See? I can handle her! No problem!"
Then she looked at him intently. And a peculiar question came out of the blue.
"Will you be my boyfriend?"
The question shocked Patton. "B-b-b-boyfriend?!" he stammered as he blushed.
"Mm-hmm!"
Clark placed his face on his palms. Fanny laughed at Patton. Rachel was chuckling too. Someone called out, "Ooh! Someone's in love with Numbuh 60!" Numbuh 91 sang, "Patton and Claire, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"Whoa, there," he said, "we've only just met! My ears are still ringing from Fanny screaming! And now you want me to be your boyfriend?! I don't know if we even fit! I mean, I'm ten, and you're seven, I think..." He looked at her and saw that she was tearing up. Oh no, he thought. Then she began to cry loudly. Tears were bursting from her eyes.
"Now look what ya done, Numbuh 60!" Fanny said sternly. "Ya made a lass cry! Yer done fer to be sure!"
Feeling completely guilty, he caved in. "Okay!" he cried out. "How about we take things slow, get to know each other better? How's this Friday?" Suddenly she stopped crying and hugged him.
"Yay! I got a new boyfriend!"
"Works for her," Rachel noted. Claire suddenly pulled him towards her brother.
"Clark!" she exclaimed. "I got a new boyfriend! His name's Patton!"
"Yes, I know who he is," Clark said exasperatedly, as the three went off to the hangar. Everyone looked on.
"Ten bucks says she dumps him," Fanny wagered to Rachel. Rachel scoffed.
And so Friday came, and Patton was on a date with Claire. At a local diner, he was drinking a milkshake through a straw. Claire was staring at him intently. His sipping began to slow down when he noticed that.
"You look wonderful when you drink milkshakes," she said. He blushed. This wasn't how he wanted to spend the day. And he was seriously concerned about his romantic prospects. The girl giggled.
"Whoa," a raspy girl's voice said. "I didn't know Numbuh 60's keen on dating younger girls." It came from Numbuh 5, Abigail Lincoln, of Sector V, accompanied by Numbuh 3, Kuki Sanban, and Numbuh 4, Wallabee Beatles. The three kids looked at the two.
"Look," he said, "it's a blind date, OK?"
"More like a shotgun marriage!" Wallabee quipped. Then he noticed Claire sitting across from Patton. "Hey! You're that girl with the cooties!"
"Numbuh 4," Abigail said, "do we have to go through this again? There's no such thing as cooties!"
"You sure?" Kuki queried.
Claire giggled. "You're funny." Then she noticed that Wallabee's presence. "Hey! I know you! You didn't want to be my boyfriend!"
"Uh..." Wallabee uttered. Kuki became annoyed.
"Oh boy," Abigail sighed.
"She wanted you to be her boyfriend?!" Kuki interrogated. "Wally, why?"
"Hey, if you wanted me to be your boyfriend, why don't you just tell me?!" Wally countered.
Kuki gasped. "I thought...ugh!" She stormed out of the diner.
"I didn't know she had the cooties!" he cried out as he followed her.
"You can't use that excuse!"
"Oh come on, it was dark!"
Patton and Abigail looked at each other and sighed in exasperation. Through it all, Claire looked at them and giggled.
"You're funny!" she said.
Patton replied, "Claire?"
"What?"
"Shut up."
end transmission