Parker XII: Five Families
From the very first day of sophomore year at Midtown, they became a trio again. MJ greeted Ned like the brother he was and they picked up right where they left off: Parker and Ned nerding out together and MJ making fun of them while not-so-secretly appreciating their enthusiasm. Ned joined Quizbowl and the instant Mr. Harrington saw the three of them together with their respective knowledge bases, he made them a team. They sat together at every practice.
Parker and MJ dating didn't ruin the dynamic as Ned feared it might. At this stage, it was little more than puppy love, and neither of them wanted to rush into anything more intimate. This year, Parker shared almost every single class with Ned, MJ, or both. It was shaping up to be the best year of his life, despite that kid Flash's continued belittlement of him in the hallways and at Quizbowl. Although he didn't have much sway within Quizbowl considering his abysmal track record with answering questions. Most of the upperclassmen rolled their eyes whenever he so much as opened his mouth. In the grand scheme of things, Parker couldn't care less what Flash thought or said about him.
He'd been meaning to talk to Ned about his name change, but the other boy beat him to it after hearing the teacher announce that name during role call on the first day of school. "When I got adopted, I legally changed my first name too. I didn't want to abandon that tie to my birth family."
"That makes total sense. I'm sorry I was using the wrong name all this time."
"It's okay. Peter isn't a deadname or anything, I'm not going to be offended if you still use it. I just got so used to being called Parker at Gravesen because there was another Peter, and…I don't know. I wanted to keep it."
"That's great. I'll try my best to call you Parker now."
"Thanks."
~0~
One day at Quizbowl practice, an interesting topic of conversation arose after Liz, who was running the practice while Mr. Harrington attended a faculty meeting, asked a question about Fortune 500 companies. The answer: Howard Stark of Stark Industries. Apparently Flash had a bit of an obsession. "Just wait until Stark Jr. takes over the company. Then things will really take off."
Sometimes Parker forgot that one of his closest friends was nationally known. Listening to the conversation that ensued endlessly amused him given what he knew about the younger Stark. "What makes you say that?" Liz asked.
"The kid's a genius. I heard he's already working on solo projects in the labs at MIT. He's going to invent weapons bigger and badder than Howard ever could," Flash said. Parker couldn't hold back a snicker. Tony had mentioned on multiple occasions that he had no intention of continuing Stark industries' legacy of weapons development.
"You're assuming he's going to hide himself away in R&D," Cindy added. "CEO is an entirely different position and we have no way of knowing if he's capable before he actually assumes the role."
"Besides, nobody's even seen him at Stark Industries functions in ages," Abe said.
"Yeah, it was kind of weird when he stopped showing up," Flash said. "But I think it's just because he's been focused on honing his craft."
Parker rolled his eyes. Tony had hated going to those stupid company things where his father did nothing but "kiss ass and attempt to look intelligent while doing so." Of course, he hadn't gone to any while inpatient at Gravesen, but after his release he'd finally convinced Howard not to force him into coming. His only purpose had been to remind any potential usurpers that Stark Industries already had a future leader and would never be anybody's for the taking.
"Why are you so invested in the goings-on of a weapons manufacturer anyway?" MJ asked.
Flash shrugged. "I just think they're doing really cool things."
"Killing people en masse is cool?" Comments like that were exactly why Parker loved MJ.
"N-no. But Stark is just trying to keep the country safe from threats. I think that's noble."
"I think you just have a crush on Tony Stark," Ned said. Comments like that were exactly why Parker loved Ned. It took everything in him not to bust out cackling right then and there. He settled for watching Flash's eyes widen in alarm.
"That's not true."
"Good. I doubt he'd like you back," Parker stated.
"What? Like you know him?"
"Yeah, I do. We're friends."
"That's ridiculous, Weaver. Where on Earth would you have met the heir to Stark Industries?"
Parker hadn't divulged his history to any new people he met at Midtown. Only Ned and MJ knew where he'd spent the majority of his eighth grade year and the following summer. He intended to keep it that way. But that meant he needed to come up with a lie. "An internship. With Mr. Stark."
"You interned for Howard Stark?" The disbelief on Flash's face was so exaggerated Parker wanted to laugh at him.
"Yeah, last summer. Tony liked to work down in the labs with us, and we got to know each other." The rest of the team was clearly impressed, but Flash still stared at him as if he'd just said he met Tony when they bumped into each other scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef or something equally as insane.
"Prove it. Prove you know him."
"Come on Flash, don't be ridiculous," Liz chided.
"No, I want to know the truth."
"Right now?" Parker didn't know if Tony was in class right now; there was no guarantee he could prove it.
"Why not?"
"Okay, give me a minute. I'll be right back." Parker stepped out into the hallway and texted Tony to ask if he was busy.
"No. What's up?" he replied. Parker explained the situation as concisely as possible. "This guy wants you to prove that you know me?"
"Yes."
"That's so stupid."
"I know. But I want to stick it to him."
"I'm all for sticking it to asshole high schoolers," Tony texted with a winky face emoji. "I can FaceTime you."
"Thanks."
A few moments later, Tony popped up on his screen with a slightly malicious grin on his face. He walked back into the classroom and sat back down between Ned and MJ. Tony waved to the two of them and then asked (rather loudly), "Where's this idiot Flash kid?" Several other teammates snickered, and Flash's face fell.
"He's over there," Parker said, angling the phone so Tony and Flash could make eye contact.
"Hello," Tony greeted.
"H-Hi," Flash stammered.
"I admire a drive for truth and evidence, but everybody knows my friend Parker is no liar."
"He's really your friend?"
Tony looked downright offended. "Parker Weaver? One of my best friends. It's a privilege you'll probably never get."
After that remark, Flash had the audacity to up and walk out of the meeting entirely. The remaining Quizbowl team members exchanged disbelieving glances before they started laughing. Parker turned Tony back to him and his friends. "Wow, you really let him have it," Ned said.
"Did I go too far?" Tony asked.
"Nah. He deserved every word," MJ stated.
"Thanks, Tony," Parker said.
"No problem. That was way more fun than the Core homework assignment I would be doing."
"Do your homework," Parker commanded.
"Fine. I'll talk to you later. Bye."
"Bye, Tony."
After Parker slipped his phone back into his pocket, Charles turned around in the seat in front of him and said right to his face, "How are you literally the coolest person I've ever met?"
~0~
"You know, I think he would have been far more successful at ruling the galaxy if he had a Sith-inator," Dad remarked after the conclusion of Return of the Jedi. For the past few weeks they'd been doing a Star Wars rewatch together with Ned. He and Daddell exchanged a knowing glance and stood up only to immediately break into song and dance: "It's a Sith-inator, it's a really cool machine!"
"My evil will be greater than Darth Vader's ever been!"
"You ask all those haters from Naboo to Tatooine, they'll say, 'Wow! That Darthenshmirtz is mean!'"
Parker and Ned stared at each other in utter confusion as the Weavers continued their song.
"When this is operational, I'll zap myself, then BAM!"
"The force will be so strong with me, they'll all know who I am!"
"And all those bureaucrats who used to point and jeer and joke..."
"If I point my fingers just like this, they kinda start to choke!"
"Moff Tarkin will respect me, give me medals, and a raise."
"With all my newfound Sith-iness, I'll set the force ablaze!"
"The Emperor who used to only greet me with a yawn..."
"He now will say, I'm blown away!"
"Much like Alderaan!"
"Did they make this up?" Ned asked.
"I don't know," Parker admitted. "But I wouldn't put it past them."
"Is it from something?"
"I have no idea."
The song suddenly stopped. "You've never heard this before?" Dad asked them. Parker and Ned shook their heads. "Russell, we are terrible parents. We've raised our son without the bottommost and most crucial chunk of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: Phineas and Ferb."
Evidently, Ned had at least heard of it. "Isn't that that cartoon? With the triangle head guy?"
"The triangle head guy?" Dad sighed in exasperation. "You children need to be educated."
Russell continued for him, "Phineas and Ferb is so much more than a children's cartoon. It's a way of life."
"I think you might be exaggerating just a bit," Parker said.
"Parker, I have never once used this phrase with you and I never plan to use it again because it is generally rude and I will not be rude to my children, but shut up. Phineas and Ferb is the greatest thing to ever grace a television screen."
"Better than Star Wars?"
"Yes. Because they took Star Wars and made it better."
"Really?"
"Yes. Anything they touch, they make better."
"I for one am now very intrigued," Ned said.
"Yeah, me too."
Russell turned to his husband. "Alex, our time has come." He turned back to the boys. "We've been arguing over which episodes are best since we met. Now we can have help breaking ties."
"How many episodes are there?"
"Four seasons, plus some specials and movies. We don't have to watch all of it. It isn't until late season one that things really start to get good, but a few early episodes are necessary to understand the structure."
"You're talking about this like it's fine literature or something," Parker remarked.
"As far as I'm concerned, it is. I predict that film students in twenty years or less will study this."
"Fair enough. Let's get started then."
It became a tradition every Saturday afternoon. They put the Star Wars rewatch on hold and replaced it with cartoons. Ned showed up around two, and they watched Phineas and Ferb. His parents clearly had an obsession with the show, as bad as Parker's obsession with Star Wars. They knew all the lyrics to most of the songs—and there were a ton of songs.
"Shut up, this one's my favorite!" Alex called as a random guy sang to a tour group about "The History of the Tri-State Area." Ned looked up the lyrics so he could follow along.
"Dude, these are hilarious," he said, elbowing Parker to get his attention. "How do they come up with this stuff?"
Parker shrugged. "I don't know, but they're geniuses for it." Though he'd been hesitant at first, he now understood why his parents adored this show so much. Almost every episode had the same exact plot, but that in itself was what made it so exciting. They twisted it just enough that it was fun and new every time. A new invention for the boys, a new secret passage for Perry the Platypus from the house to his secret lair, a new trap set by Dr. Doofenshmirtz, and a new song to accompany whatever they were doing. It was brilliant.
"Just how convoluted and tragic is this guy's backstory?" Ned asked when they learned about both of Doofenshmirtz's parents failing to show up to his birth. "That's not even possible."
"That's what makes it so funny," Daddell told him.
"The recurring side jokes are my favorite part," Dad added.
"Parker, Ned, settle this important debate: "Klimpaloon or the Inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head?"
"Klimpaloon," Parker stated.
"Giant Floating Baby Head," Ned answered.
"Darn it," Dad sighed. "I thought we could settle this. It's obviously Klimpaloon. How can you possible get more ridiculous than 'the magical old-timey bathing suit who lives in the Himalayas?'"
"Easy, you have a character whose name literally contains his defining characteristic of inexplicability," Daddell countered.
"Personally, I prefer the farmer with big dreams and his unsupportive wife who's always proven wrong when something falls out of the sky to support the man's current project," Ned pointed out.
"Finally! A man who speaks my language!" Daddell proclaimed, pointing at Ned eagerly. "And how about the zebra who calls Candace Kevin for some reason?"
"Equally as entertainingly bizarre."
"Enough side character discourse. When can we watch the Star Wars one?" Parker asked.
"When you're ready," Dad answered.
It turned out, 'being ready' just meant watching every episode that came before the Star Wars special chronologically. They ended up watching it one Saturday in February. From the moment it started, Parker knew he was going to love it. Everything about it was brilliant. Instead of telling a Phineas and Ferb story in the Star Wars universe, they literally just picked up the characters and dropped them into the plot of a New Hope. And the songs were top notch.
"This is the greatest thing I've ever seen," Ned said, shell-shocked, when it ended. "I accept this as canon."
"Isn't it fantastic? I can't watch the movies anymore without hearing 'In the Empire' every time I see a Stormtrooper," Daddell said.
"Thank you for introducing us to this," Parker said.
"You're welcome. I'm so glad we've brought you to the dark side."
"No, wherever we were before was the dark side," Ned interjected. "This is way better."
Parker agreed, but not just because he loved the show. He loved that his parents had something they loved, and had imparted it to him. It reminded him of his birth father introducing him to Star Wars for the first time. Alex and Russell may not have given him anything genetics-wise, but they shared with him their passions and their ways. Parker had the privilege to be raised by not one, but five families. His birth parents, May and Ben, the Jones, the staff and his fellow patients at Gravesen, and the Weavers. In spite of the pain of losing so many of them, Parker was fortunate to have been loved by them all.
I'm just gonna get on my Phineas and Ferb soapbox for a moment here because it is literally one of my favorite things of all time, right up there next to Marvel. Here's a list of things Phineas and Ferb did before Marvel made it cool:
1. Mid-credit scenes (they've been doing them since 2007)
2. Traveling through the multiverse (AND doing so with musical accompaniment)
3. Literally the Endgame portals scene (in their 2011 movie, they bring back all the coolest inventions from previous seasons to help them fight an army from another dimension)
4. Stan Lee cameos (there's a Marvel crossover episode featuring Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Spider-Man, Red Skull, MODOK, Whiplash, and Venom)
If you still don't believe me about how awesome this show is, look up "Robot Riot Age of Ultron" and just watch how simultaneously hilarious and cool the Avengers Age of Ultron final battle is when set to Phineas and Ferb music.