Posting this from a Starbucks because I'm on vacation in a place without WiFi (that's also why I haven't been replying to reviews like I usually do) but, given that this is probably the most emotionally charged chapter of the entire story, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to post it on schedule. I probably won't be able to do the regular Thursday or Saturday update either, but I think this is as good a place as any to leave it for a while. I'll post some bonus chapters later to make up for it. Thank you, and enjoy :)
Bucky XIV: Ready to Go
No matter how many times he watched his best friend struggle to breathe, it never got any easier. The interval between the ambulance leaving the Rogers' with Steve and Sarah in it, leaving Bucky and Mr. Rogers to wait, and him receiving a text from Sarah that they'd gotten him stabilized...was the most terrifying of his life. He visited later that afternoon and Steve, though uncomfortable from the new medication to fight the infection and the chest tube to fix his collapsed lung, seemed more or less okay. For that reason, Bucky didn't feel so guilty about staying late after school the next day instead of racing home so he could visit Gravesen.
He didn't really have much choice. Coach Lamberg and a few other officials from the American Amputee Soccer Association were coming to practice after school to continue officially evaluating him for recruitment. They were there alongside officials from colleges observing some of the other seniors. Coach Phillips had explained to them earlier how this would look, but Bucky was still eaten up inside by nerves. Steve's recent decline only served to heighten his anxiety. It took two pep talks, one from Gabe and one from Coach Phillips, for him to feel confident that he wouldn't royally fuck this up.
As soon as he set foot in the goal, Bucky slipped into the zone. His focus narrowed only to the four corners around him and the ball delicately dribbled around the feet of his teammates. Since the school's field didn't have a regulation amputee soccer net, and since all the other players were being evaluated for regular soccer, Bucky found himself guarding a much larger space than he would be in games should he get recruited. But he was ready. Coach had had him practicing half defense half goalkeeper for the past year, so he was used to covering more territory. Plus, if he succeeded here, that would look extra impressive to Lamberg.
Bucky walked off the field that day sweaty, exhausted, and more proud of himself than he'd ever been before. Coach Lamberg approached him at the conclusion of the session. "Listen kid, I can't make an official claim at the moment, but I just want to say that was incredible. You'll be hearing from us and UVA very soon."
That certainly boded well.
Bucky waltzed through the front door of his apartment with a spring in his step that lasted for only ten minutes. Then his phone rang. He didn't have specific ringtones assigned to anybody except Steve and Steve's mother. And this wasn't Steve calling him. Bucky raced to pick up the phone and listened as Mrs. Rogers explained to him, breathless with tears, that Steve's port got infected and he just got transferred to intensive care in septic shock. All the joy drained out of him faster than air from a pricked balloon.
Those days were the longest of Bucky's life. For the first few Mom made him go to school and practice since his grades and soccer abilities mattered more now than ever, but Bucky could barely focus for all his worrying about his best friend. When three days passed and Steve showed no signs of reversing his rapid decline, she let him spend his time at the hospital with the Rogers instead. Bucky couldn't stand the thought that Steve might slip away while he wasn't there to say goodbye, so he stayed until Mr. Rogers kicked him out to sleep and shower, then returned as soon as possible the next day.
He was the one to break the news to the rest of the Avengers. Steve probably wouldn't want them to know, wouldn't want them to worry, but Bucky saw no other option. They deserved to know where things stood before they slid too far in either direction. The group chat flooded with well wishes and questions that Bucky wished he didn't have to answer.
"Bucky, is there a chance he won't make it?" Tony asked.
They all deserved to know the truth, but it pained Bucky to type it out, especially while he listened to the jingling of Mrs. Roger's rosary and her frantic, whispered prayers. "They're not hopeful."
On day six, Tony drove all the way back from Massachusetts, and Bruce from Pennsylvania. Parker and Nick also showed up. Bucky's heart ached for Natasha and Thor, so far away yet so invested in the situation. The five of them there in person gathered in the pediatric residential ward's common room where they'd spent so much time together, the empty space where Steve normally sat gaping like a black hole. They'd wanted to go straight in to see him, but the Rogers had tearfully asked Bucky to keep them at bay for an hour so they might say their private goodbyes…just in case. Bucky couldn't deny them that, so he and the other Avengers waited their turn in the very place where they'd forged the friendship they now stood to lose.
Parker and Tony sat side by side, the older boy's arm wrapped around the younger's shoulders, his backpack sitting in his lap. Bruce and Nick occupied their usual spots, though Nick looked rather lonely without Clint and Natasha tucked up next to him. Bucky's right side felt dangerously exposed without his best friend there. Their breathing echoed shakily around the otherwise silent room.
"I—I don't know what to say," Tony choked out.
"Me neither," Bruce sighed.
"Bucky, is there anything we can do?" Parker asked. "For you…and for the Rogers?"
Despite the dire circumstances, Bucky smiled at the kid's display of generosity. "Just you being here means the world."
"What if we told stories?" Nick suggested. "Nat and I did that a lot right after Clint. It was nice."
"That sounds like a great idea," Tony said.
"I remember the first time I saw his drawings," Bruce said. "I was on my daily walk, and his door was wide open. This was right before you showed up, Tony. He was putting them up on the wall, and I just had to stop and admire them."
"You stopped unexpectedly in the middle of a walk?" Tony sounded flabbergasted.
"That just underscores how magnificent Steve's art is," Bruce continued. "There's not much that can get me to break routine like that. It took a few moments for him to realize I was standing there in his open doorway staring at him, but when he finally noticed he waved me inside and asked for my opinion on where he should put Natasha's picture. I know that sounds like such a small gesture, but it made me feel more valued and appreciated than I had in a long time."
"Wow." Parker was the first of them to shed a tear. Bucky held it together only a little bit longer.
"This isn't a personal story, but Clint used to tell me about how much he and Scott looked up to Steve. He used to read them bedtime stories every night while the three of them were admitted here," Nick said.
"That's the 'ol Rogers Razzle Dazzle if I've ever seen it," Tony remarked. "The first time I asked about his Afflovest, he told me it was a vibrator," he added with a chuckle. Bucky laughed through the tears. His sense of humor really had rubbed off on Steve.
"Speaking of which, are those videos he made for his Wish here?" Bruce asked.
"I think so." Bucky dug through the DVD cabinet and found them immediately, front and center. The videos existed in the Cloud also, but Steve had wanted them in physical form too for whatever reason. He really was somewhat old fashioned. Bucky popped the disk in and turned on the TV, first selecting the one about the Gauntlet. While the others watched it, Bucky walked over to the poster itself and scanned the seemingly endless list of names. Steve's mind and soul Xs still rested in his self column, and Bucky's chest hurt at the possibility of soon moving them over. Then he looked at all the other names, many of which had reclaimed everything, and matched them with the faces watching Steve up on the screen. Bucky hoped that their united strength somehow diffused downstairs to the ICU, reminding Steve of how much they loved him.
When the first clip finished, Parker selected the next one, the tour of the ward. This time, Bucky focused on the screen. The image of Steve up there contrasted sharply with the pale, unmoving husk that had haunted Bucky's vision since he first stepped into the ICU room. He wanted so desperately to see Steve walking these halls, and it scared him to consider that he might never again. For the last video, they abandoned their 'assigned' spots and instead huddled together on the sofa. Bucky let Parker keep the remote and wrapped his arm around Tony's shoulders.
As if a switch had flipped, the muffled sniffles morphed into giggles when Steve flipped the chair around and sat down like a nineties sitcom dad about to give a stern but heartwarming lecture to his rebellious daughters. "So…you're in the hospital. You're sick and probably scared out of your mind. And that's okay. Nobody wants to be here, and it's okay to be scared or angry or sad. But I'm here to tell you that, even though I felt all those things every time I came here, I found things about this place that weren't so bad."
Bucky knew all of that to be true. So true it hurt. But he'd take being sick over this agony any day.
"First, your nurses are your own personal superheroes. Not only do they take care of you, but they're there for you whenever you're feeling sad, lonely, or afraid. I know sometimes they have to do things that aren't fun, but trust me when I say they want nothing more than for you to be healthier again. Everything they do here is just to make you feel better."
Almost as if by magic, the door to the common room opened the instant Dr. Lee walked on screen. And then Dr. Lee himself walked in. "How the hell did that just happen?" Tony asked. Parker paused the video and turned to look.
"It's Dr. Lee," Bucky said, for Nick's benefit.
"No way."
"I thought I might find you here," Dr. Lee said solemnly. "I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all."
"Thank you so much," Bucky said. He still didn't understand how this man knew exactly when and where he was needed and found the time to visit in the midst of running a busy hospital. Just seeing his face and those aviator glasses was immensely reassuring in a way he couldn't explain. Parker unpaused the video.
"I've yet to meet a single person here who doesn't have their patients' best interest first and foremost in their hearts," Steve continued. "Now, I have to tell you a secret. The common room has almost every toy and game you could possibly imagine. And you're allowed to play with them whenever you feel up to it. Even better, they bring dogs here every week for you to hang out with if you want."
"Wait, really?" Nick asked in mock surprise. "Somebody crack open that closet and let's get playing."
"Lastly and most importantly, you have each other. I don't know how many patients might be here right now, but if you have neighbors, take the time to say hi to them. Ask them how they're doing. Trust me, they'll appreciate the gesture. I met some of my best friends in the whole world right here at Gravesen."
And just like that, they were all crying again. As the dedications played, their sobs only grew louder and they held each other closer. Seeing their deceased friends' faces only reminded them that one more might soon join their ranks.
"Can you believe he spent his Wish on this cheesy shit?" Nick asked. "I went to fucking Disney World with mine."
"Ha! You said you'd have to kill me if you ever told me how you spent it," Bucky jeered. He'd thought for sure Nick really would keep that secret forever.
"Well, a promise is a promise." Nick reached into his inner coat pocket as if grabbing a concealed firearm, but broke off the gesture and started cackling.
"Disney? You're joking," Parker said.
"I was six. And my little brother pressured me into it."
"No, you're not downplaying this, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Dismal," Tony said.
"Fine." Nick grumbled, but accepted the loss.
"Steve dated my cousin," Bruce said out of the blue. "For whatever reason, it's just now hitting me how weird that is."
"It was one date," Bucky pointed out. He didn't like to think about that too much because it took place during a time he wished every second he could go back and erase.
"That still counts," Tony assured. "Does she know…about all this?"
"Yeah. I told her," Bruce said. "She's worried and upset, but she's glad he ended it after that one date."
"I still can't believe that bastard scored a date before I did," Bucky said with half a laugh.
"And Parker before both of you," Tony pointed out.
"We already discussed that fact, we don't have to do it again. Actually, when I saw them together at first, I thought Steve and Carol were dating."
Parker had the audacity to laugh at him. And not just a chuckle, but a full-on belly laugh.
"What's so funny?"
He wiped a tear from his eye. "I just don't understand how you could've ever thought that Carol was straight."
"I try not to assume either way when I meet new people, and they were acting like they might be together."
"She treated Steve the same way she treated Steve."
"What?" Tony and Bruce both sounded completely lost.
"Her older brother's name is also Steve," Parker explained.
"Yeah, he and Steve have actually become pretty good friends over the years. They get together on hard days," Bucky explained.
"Kinda like us," Bruce sighed.
"Exactly like us." Once again, Bucky took a moment to just take in the company around him. They'd been through so much together, and he didn't think he could get through what was about to happen without them.
"Do you have any stories from when you guys were little?" Parker asked.
"Yes, I'm dying to know what Steve was like as a youngster," Tony said.
"The hard part would be choosing a story to tell, there are so many," Bucky huffed. "Any requests?"
"One of your favorite memories," Parker said.
"Okay, let me think." There was so much to sift through. Bucky didn't necessarily have a singular favorite memory; rather, the collective history of their friendship was his favorite. As he sat there recalling moments from his childhood, he thought of one that instantly made him smile. "There was this one time when we were in kindergarten, he'd just gotten his first Afflovest and he was so excited about it. I'm not kidding, you would've thought the kid just got a PlayStation or a puppy. And I, being the clueless non-CFer that I am, wanted to know what all the fuss was about. So he strapped the thing on me—keep in mind I was at least a head taller than him at this time—and he could barely get it buckled. When he finally got it on, he just sat back and stared at me expectantly. I said something like, "It's very stylish," because I had no idea what it was actually supposed to do.
"He didn't say anything, but he made me keep it on while we went back to playing. A few minutes passed and I almost forgot I even had it on," Bucky was already laughing, making it difficult to even finish the story. "And then he went and snuck behind me to turn the damn thing on for real.
"I don't know if any of you have ever tried one of those things, but it feels like driving on a bumpy gravel road but inside your chest, while also getting a bear hug from a life jacket, if that makes any sense. I was so scared; I thought there was an earthquake happening or something. While I sat there panicking, Steve just laughed and laughed. His dad ran into the room to make sure neither of us were dying, and he didn't even know what to think of the scene. I remember him just standing there staring at us with his mouth half open, and then he stepped back outside and closed the door without a word."
By this point, Bucky was breathless with laughter and so were most of his friends. He almost didn't notice his phone buzzing in his pocket. Bucky glanced at the message from Mrs. Rogers. Steve was waiting for his friends to come say goodbye. Though he hated to dissipate the joyful mood that the stories had built, Bucky knew that this needed to happen. "Guys," he said, instantly sobered. "Steve's parents said we can go down now. Since you're not legally family, you're only allowed one at a time. Who wants to go first?" Bucky wasn't even sure if that was the official rule, but he had a feeling they'd want to be alone to say whatever it was they needed to say right now. He certainly did.
Nick volunteered. He went down to the ICU while the others continued sharing stories, mostly from their shared time at Gravesen. After Nick went Bruce, then Parker, then Tony. Before he knew it, it was Bucky's turn. He knew exactly what awaited him in the cramped little room, but that didn't lessen his dread. The rhythmic click and hiss of the ventilator penetrated his mind before anything else. Bucky loathed that sound. Steve's appearance hadn't changed since Bucky was here last, but it still made him want to slam his eyes shut and run out.
"You need a shave," was the first thing he managed to say. Steve, being almost a year older, beat Bucky in the race to unlock the ability to grow a beard. He never let it stick around for long, though. Except for now, when he wasn't awake to shave it all off. Bucky reminded himself to ask a nurse if they would do it for him. He knew Steve would hate to wake up scruffy.
Or be buried scruffy.
Bucky clung to his friend's hand and wept. He'd come down here to say actual words, ones with meaning that would ideally bring him at least a semblance of closure, but nothing coherent slipped past his lips for the first fifteen minutes. "God, this is so hard," Bucky sniffled, letting go of Steve's hand long enough to wipe his nose and dry his eyes. "I always knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I'm not ready." He thought about how hard it had been to say goodbye to Carol and then Clint, both of whom had left far too early in life. A miniscule part of him considered that maybe he would've preferred if he'd actually relapsed and not lived long enough to say goodbye to any more friends. But he knew he could never do that to Steve. As many deaths as Bucky had faced, his best friend had faced more. But that knowledge didn't make it any easier for Bucky to face this now.
"Fuck that, I'll never be ready. None of us will ever be ready to live without you, Steve." Bucky shuddered as he said it, focusing in on the regimented rise and fall of Steve's chest. For as long as he'd known him, Steve had been a fighter above all else. Whether it was a chest infection or Alexander Pierce, Steve stood his ground and refused to back down. Bucky knew deep in his heart that Steve could fight and beat this too, if he threw himself into it with the same drive Bucky had seen in action countless times before. But thinking again of all the friends Steve had lost and the countless struggles he'd already endured, he considered the possibility that maybe Steve didn't want to fight anymore. Bucky sighed despondently, knowing what he had to say to lighten both their souls. "I may never be ready, but if you are, that's okay." Another shudder wracked his body. "It's okay if you're ready to go." Bucky froze, gazing at his friend's slack face while still clutching his hand as if it was the only thing tethering him to Earth. Then he did something unexpected. Bucky stood up and leaned forward, not entirely sure what he was doing even as he did it.
Careful to avoid any tubes or monitors, Bucky carded his hand through Steve's hair and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.