It started out as a simple routine check.
Loki swept a quick glance over the boxes, then made a few marks on his list.
Check.
Resupply.
Check.
Check.
Halfway gone.
Check.
Glance, write, repeat.
"We're low on water over here," the Valkyrie called from across the small storage hold.
Raising a brow, Loki looked up. "How low?"
"Like 'we're all going to die of thirst if we don't resupply soon' low."
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "And when are we all going to die, exactly?"
"About a week is my best guess."
"Okay…" Glancing back down at his list, Loki made several notes. "Water is top priority, then. What else?"
She shrugged. "Other than that, we're pretty much good on my end. You?"
"It's on and off. There are a few things we need, a few we can do without, and some we can hold off on for a while."
"In short, outposts are the topic of tomorrow's meeting?"
"I'm afraid so."
With a loud sigh, the Valkyrie ran a hand through her hair. "Fun."
"Indeed," Loki said, echoing the sentiment. Because arguing about which outposts on which planets were the safest was such fun.
There wasn't much he could do about it, though. If they wanted to do something as simple as survive, then they needed to resupply.
Val leaned against the doorway and blew out a breath. "Are we done here, then?"
After one last mental sweep of the room, Loki nodded. "For now. Onto the next one."
"Yay." Val raised her palms and pumped them with all the enthusiasm of a space slug. "Party long and party hard."
"Oh, it's not so bad," Loki said with a sly grin as he made one last note. "The other storage hold is only on the other side of the ship. So simple."
"So easy. And you and I just love walking."
Loki felt his lips quirk at the friendly banter because he could remember a time when it wasn't so friendly…
They had all come a long way since Ragnarok.
"That's what I always tell Thor. I practically live for walking long stretches of hallway back and forth all the time, and—"
The slight flicker of the lights served as their first warning and Loki's blood froze. Not again…
The rumble that followed knocked him out of his temporary coma, pushing his legs forward.
"Go!" He shouted as he tried to cross the length of the room. "Get out!"
For her part, Val simply had to take a few steps backwards and she was in the clear. Loki, however, had been taking stock at the very back of the room.
Get out! Get out!
"Loki!"
Almost there…
When Val reached out her hand, making a move to step back inside, Loki felt his hands warm.
"You fool, get back!" A burst of green shot from his palms, shoving the Valkyrie across the floor and away from the doors…
… Just as they snapped shut with a hiss.
Too fast. Too fast!
Digging his heels into the ground, Loki felt himself slow, but not nearly fast enough to avoid ramming his shoulder into the door.
Then, the lights flickered out completely and darkness consumed him.
Right. He bit out a curse on instinct, but after that, his mind drew a blank.
Right…
Think.
Think!
Breathe…
"Loki?" Val's voice was slightly muffled, yet it shattered his thoughts, pulling him back to his present situation. "Are you all right?"
"Fine," he replied, though the word came out as a breathy whisper. Clearing his throat, he tried again. Fine. You're fine."Fine! I'm fine."
Her relief was well-hidden, but Loki could still hear it all the same. "I've about had it with these stupid security malfunctions."
Loki wet his lips. "Thor said he would get it fixed."
Apparently not.
He could just picture her eye roll. "Because he's a master technician."
"Well, if you could get your big, friendly beast to turn back into his normal self, we would have a master technician at our disposal."
"Hey, that's not my problem! He's gotta figure himself out. I've tried everything I know. And I didn't see you trying any of your brilliant ideas."
"Oh no. No, the Hulk and I don't mix. Now, we can either stand here arguing, or you could go find someone to get me out of here."
"Right, and just who would that be, exactly? It's impossible to open the doors during one of these stupid things."
Impossible.
To get out.
You can't… I can't…
"You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeon."
Loki shivered. "How should I know? Just get someone. Heimdall. Your Incredible Hulk. Thor…" Swallowing, he worked to keep his voice steady. "Thor. Val, go get Thor."
"And what's he going to do? Blast it with lightning?" But even through the door, he could make out the edge of stress that lined her tone.
"Just go get him, all right? Go get Thor!"
"Fine! I'm going! Just…" Her pause felt eternal and he could see her hesitating in his mind's eye. "You're sure you'll be okay?"
"I told you, I'm fine. Just go find my brother."
A dozen accolades is what his voice deserved for riding out so steadily, even as his hands began to tremble.
You're fine. You're not scared of the dark.
No, but what's inside the dark…
Shut up.
Because it wasn't the darkness that suffocated him, he noted as he strained his ears against the door. She was leaving. And that was good.
Yes, she'll get Thor.
Yet, she was leaving him. Alone.
Alone…
"I really don't see what all the fuss is about."
But she was coming back. She was…
Oh, don't they all say that?
Your own brother didn't even come visit you until he had need of your skillset.
Shut. Up.
No, it wasn't the darkness at all. It was the solitude. The separation.
The being trapped alone with no hope of escape.
Alone.
"Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again."
Steady… But his next breath came up short and a bit ragged. Steady… Pull yourself together!
He pressed his hand against the door in a vain effort to stabilize himself, yet still, his hands continued to shake.
"You know full well that your actions have brought you here."
"My actions? I was merely giving truth to the lie that I've been fed my entire life: that I was born to be a king."
Alone. Born to be alone.
Doomed to die alone.
Sentenced to an eternity of solitude.
Alone.
Shut up!
"Does Odin share your concern? Does Thor? It must be so inconvenient, them asking after me day and night."
"Your father—"
Loki sucked in a breath, but no air came. The darkness was killing him. The solitude was killing him.
"He's not my father!"
She's coming back. A hand flew to his head and he wove trembling fingers beneath his dark locks. She promised to come back.
Did she, now?
Didn't she…?
"Then am I not your mother?"
Air. He needed air.
Breathe, you fool. Breathe!
"You're not."
She promised to come back…
"And you will never see her again."
Never again.
Mother…
His heart thundered against his chest and he was powerless to stop it. Thud, thud, thud! With all its noise, it threatened to crush his ribs. His lungs were already failing. After that, what more would be left?
Die.
Alone.
Doomed to die alone.
Alone…
Stop it! Just shut up!
"You've always been so perceptive about everyone but yourself."
But he did know himself. He knew his sarcastic facade was the only thing that kept his emotions safe. He knew she showed him the love he could never show himself.
He knew he would die for her, if given the chance. And he knew he hadn't been given the chance.
He knew each and every one of his deepest, darkest fears. Sakaar. Thanos. Being alone. Watching Thor die. Dying alone…
And being held against his will while his beloved mother met Death at the edge of a blade.
"Trust?" Loki fought for another breath, but to no avail. The memories were too cruel; their hands heavy upon his already constricted chest. "Was that her last expression, trust? While you let her die?"
"What good were you in your cell?"
"Who put me there?"
The Valkyrie was coming back. She was coming back. She had to—
"Who put me there!"
He could still remember the guard stating the fateful words just outside his cell, his voice rigid, cold.
As if mere obligation sent him to me.
"Did she suffer?"
Pain exploded through his kneecaps—Loki's only indication that his legs had buckled beneath him. Still gasping for air, he yanked at his hair until the pain burned even worse than the agony in his chest.
"I did not come here to share our grief."
Of course, not.
"What makes you think you can trust me?"
"I don't. Mother did."
Mother did.
Mother always did…
Now she'll never… His throat tightened as a familiar, unwanted burning sensation pressed against the back of his eyes. She'll never—
"You might want to take the stairs to the left."
Thor. He needed Thor.
Where are you? She was supposed to come back! Why wasn't she coming back?
Thor…
Pressing and clawing at his chest accomplished nothing, and yet, he did it anyway. He couldn't stop himself. He needed a reprieve from the pain. He needed Thor. He needed her not to be dead.
And he desperately needed it not to be all his fault.
"Hello, Mother. Have I made you proud?"
By burning down her palace, did he make her proud? By selling his soul on Sakaar just to survive, did he make her proud? By taking over Asgard under the guise of Odin, did he make her proud?
By simply being and breathing, did he make her proud?
"Please. Don't make this worse."
Bolts of pain shot up his arm as he pounded on the door. His lips moved in their battle for air, but no sound filled the room. Only silence. Only his struggle to breathe.
Only solitude.
"Define worse."
Mother…
"… And you will never see her again."
Never.
Again.
"Shut up!" He gasped. "Just shut up!"
Just…
Go away.
But if I go, his mind hissed in his ear, then you'll truly be alone.
Then, you'll have no one…
No one…
"Loki?"
That… wasn't his mind. And it wasn't him.
So, who—?
"Loki, are you still in there?"
Thor.
Under different circumstances, he would've quipped that of course, he was still in there. Where else would he have gone?
As it was, however, he could barely breathe let alone make sarcastic jabs.
"Thor," he managed, though it came out as no more than a tight whisper.
"What happened?" the muffled voice of his brother demanded. "You said he was in there."
The Valkyrie's tone, when she replied, was edged with a jagged line of worry. "He was. Is. Lackey? Come on, this is no time for games!"
"Thor," he repeated, louder this time—hopefully loud enough. But just in case, he pounded the thick metal again.
He would be heard. And he would get out of there.
"You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeon."
No…
Shut up!
"Thor!" His breath hitched as he put all his strength into his next punch. "Thor, get—Get me out of here!"
Now!
"Loki?" Yes, of course it's me! Get me out! "Just hang in there. We'll get you out. You're not hurt, are you?"
"I can't," he choked out. "Can't… Can't breathe… Thor!"
"The oxygen levels shouldn't have deteriorated yet," he heard Val say as Thor bit out a curse.
Though his voice was lower now, Loki could still make out the words. "He's panicking… Loki? I swear, I'm going to get you out of there, but you have to breathe, do you hear?"
"C-Can't." As if to emphasize his point, his chest seized and he doubled over, clutching at neck and hair. "… Can't. Thor—!"
"How long are these stupid lockdown malfunctions supposed to last, anyway?" Val sounded like she was on the verge of a breakdown herself. "I thought you fixed it!"
"I… ran out of time. Loki?"
Stop it! Saying my name won't force the doors open!
"Listen to me: you must breathe."
"I—" Can't!
"Inhale first, like this," Thor went on and Loki could hear him take a deep, overly-dramatic breath.
Because if he couldn't put his hand against Thor's chest and feel him breathe, perhaps Loki could listen to him.
"Then let it out. Come on, Loki, breathe with me."
He wanted to—needed to. And yet, his breaths still came in short, pleading gasps.
You're not alone. You're fine. They're here. You're okay now.
Was he? Was he really?
Thor's here now.
He's…
No. He's out there. He's still so far away…
"I did not come here to share our grief."
"Get me out, Thor," he gasped. "Thor, get me out! Getmeoutofhere—!"
"Loki! Breathe! You have to calm down! Now, breathe with me. Come on…"
He tried—really, he did—to mimic the sound of Thor's breathing, and for a moment, it seemed to be working. Slowly…
Then, the lights flickered again and his breath hitched.
"Thor…?"
Seconds later, the doors slid open with a loud hiss. A brief paralysis clung to Loki's limbs before he scrambled to his feet and fled his temporary prison, chest heaving.
Thor's hands were on him in seconds, grabbing at Loki's palm and placing it against his own chest. His brother's chest rose and fell in a calm, steady rhythm.
And slowly… ever so slowly… Loki's breathing evened out.
You're out. You're fine…
Behind him, Loki heard the Valkyrie breathe a sigh of relief. "Thor, you've got to get that fixed."
The edges of his brother's eyes crinkled as his orbs glazed over with pain. "I know. I know… Loki, I'm so sorry."
"It's fine." Loki cleared his throat and pulled his hand away from Thor's chest, dusting himself off. "It's fine."
Even as he said the ironic words, dark ghosts of the memories tugged at his mind.
"Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again…"
"Why did you panic?" The question was softly spoken and free of judgement, yet Loki would've rather his brother have said literally anything else.
From across their shared quarters, he could feel Thor's gaze fall upon him as he tried to focus on his lists.
Loki gave a little shrug, making half a note before scratching it out and starting over. "I honestly couldn't say."
"Come on, Loki—"
"I don't know!" he snapped, but Thor's gaze only softened.
"Yes, you do."
"Well," Loki began after a moment, eyes flicking back down to the supply notes in his hands, "if I did know, why in the Nine would you think I'd share it with you?"
"Because you've been a mess all day."
"I have not been a mess all day."
"Even now, your hands shake." Then, Thor settled down in the chair opposite him and leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he eyed Loki. "And I know you. You want to talk about it."
"When do I ever want to talk about anything?"
"Okay, well, maybe you need to talk about it."
"I need to finish this work I'm doing before the meeting tomorrow."
Thor's brows furrowed ever-so-slightly. "I thought you were going to give that to Val to work on."
"Val wouldn't even know what she's doing! Sorry." Loki winced. "Don't tell her I said that. I just… need to finish this."
Because Thor couldn't be right. Talking about it will only make things worse.
Even so, the memories had grown louder as the day wore into night, beating against Loki's brain until he was certain he was going to explode.
Thor stared at him for a little while longer—a gaze that Loki made a show of completely ignoring—before rising with a sigh to get the room ready for sleep.
Sleep… It called to him, yet drove him away at the same time. Loki could never be sure of what he might see in the darkness when he closed his eyes. Especially after today…
As the lights dimmed, Loki put the finishing touches on his list with no small amount of apprehension. Finishing meant sleep. It meant talking. It meant Thor.
Interestingly, though, the thunder god clambered into bed, leaving Loki to shut off the light.
When Thor had first been assigned this room by the people—who insisted that their king take the best quarters the ship had to offer—he had brought Loki in along with him, no questions asked. They were brothers, of course, but Loki still hadn't really known where their relationship stood after everything…
And yet, Thor had gone so far as to suggest they create a sleeping rotation that would keep things fair and both of them well-rested. Thor would take the bed for a few days, leaving the couch to Loki, then they would switch.
That night, Loki found himself wishing it was his turn for the bed, as the couch suddenly reminded him too much of the ones he'd passed out on so often at the Grandmaster's many parties.
A shiver ran down his spine and he quickly shoved his apprehension down to the depths of his mind. No. He wouldn't think about that now. He had enough pollutants clouding his brain to have to deal with any more past trauma.
Swallowing a sigh, he shoved himself to his feet and switched off the light. As a thick fog of black settled over the room, Loki slipped onto the couch, curling in on himself as if to keep the memories away.
Yet still, they came. Beating at his brain, tearing at his heart, pulling him down with every word.
"And you will never see her again—"
"Thor?" He didn't bother to whisper; he knew his brother hadn't drifted off to sleep just yet.
A questioning grunt from across the room was all the reply he received.
"Do you think she's in Valhalla?"
"Who?"
Loki swallowed before continuing, "… Mother."
"Of course, she is." A beat passed and he heard Thor shift slightly. "Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason in particular. Just wondering…"
Because he's definitely going to believe that.
"Loki?" Thor asked after a long moment.
"Hmm?"
"Why'd you panic?"
"I don't know." And this time, his voice was softer. Try as he might, he couldn't get it any louder.
"Is that the truth?"
Swallowing again, Loki shut his eyes against the terrible darkness.
"No," he whispered.
"Loki?" Thor repeated, his tone gentle, soothing.
"Yes?"
"Why'd you panic?"
"When I was trapped in there," he began, choosing his words carefully, "it reminded me of… something."
"The Void?" And Loki couldn't help but raise his brows at this bold statement from his brother.
"No. Asgard."
For a moment, he wasn't sure if Thor would respond.
"But…" the king said at last, "Asgard is… Asgard was a place of light. Of freedom. The palace halls were large and bright and open, and—"
"Not the halls beneath the ground."
A long silence reared its ugly head after that as Loki waited on bated breath for Thor's reaction.
"… Oh… Oh."
"Yes, oh."
"The… dungeons, then?"
Loki blew out a breath. "Forget it. I don't want to talk about this right now. Good night, Thor."
"Loki."
"Good night, Thor."
Running a hand over his forehead and into his hair so he could hold onto it for dear life did nothing to calm his racing heart. Perhaps if he focused on the pain in his scalp, he wouldn't have to relive the memories…
A small lamp flickered on and Loki's eyes shot open just in time to watch Thor settle into the nearest chair.
"I'm not turning it off until we talk about this."
"Then you'll just have to learn to fall asleep with a light shining in your eye," Loki bit back.
Thor simply leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees again, his face soft; gaze patient.
Loki pursed his lips against the urge to voice his fears, which only grew stronger with each passing moment.
The minutes dragged by and still, Thor waited. Loki carded his hand through his hair the rest of the way before stretching out onto his back, eyes fixed on the ceiling.
"It won't happen again," he said, not daring to look at his brother. If he did, he might lose confidence and snap his mouth shut.
"I know it won't," Thor returned, "because I'm going to fix the ship's security system tomorrow."
"Good."
"… Anything else?"
"No." Liar.
"You sure?"
When Loki swallowed, he could barely clear his throat, it was so tight. "Did she suffer?"
"What?"
"I once asked you a question to which you gave no answer: did she suffer?"
Thor's voice, when he finally replied, was thick with emotion. "Not as much as she could have."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"She was stabbed in the back," Thor bit out, voice rising. "What do you want me to say?"
"That her funeral was one befitting a queen. That she wasn't in pain for long. That her last words were meaningful. I don't know! Tell me something! Anything! So long as it lets us 'share our grief,' as you so poetically phrased it!"
"I didn't…" Blowing out a breath, Thor ran a hand across his cropped hair. "I didn't know you were still grieving."
For the first time that night, Loki met his brother's gaze. "I didn't know you'd stopped."
As Thor glanced down at the floor, Loki flicked his gaze back onto the ceiling, blinking back the hot tears that threatened to fall.
"Odin was right," he said when he found his voice again. "I may be free from that awful cell, but I'll never see her again."
"Loki, I'm sorry—"
"I don't want your pity."
"What do you want, then?"
"I want you to tell me about it," came Loki's quiet reply. "Her funeral."
For a long time, Thor remained quiet, massaging the scruff on his chin in deep thought.
"It was…" he began slowly. "Well, it was everything you'd expect it to be…"
As Loki listened to Thor describe the ceremony, the ceiling began to blur, though a few rapid blinks was enough to banish the tears again.
"We held it that night, you know," Thor added, his voice laced with a thin thread of sentiment. "And, I don't know, I think she would've liked it that way. She always used to love gazing up at the stars."
"And she was more of a night owl than anyone."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Thor nod. "She was, wasn't she? Do you remember that one time we stayed up all night trying to find new constellations?"
"And she started a bet to see who could stay awake the longest?" Loki added, a fond little smile tugging at his lips.
"Yeah." Thor's chuckle was light. "I can't remember who won…"
"She did. Easily."
"Of course, she did."
"You lasted pretty long, though."
"Now, hold on a minute. I distinctly remember you falling asleep first."
"Funny, my memory tells it the other way around."
"Well, your memory has always been faulty," Thor grumbled.
Loki just hummed, knowing his own version to be the correct one.
"Hey," he began after another moment of silence, "do you remember the first time she took us to Vanaheim?"
"Gosh, that was such a long time ago…"
For the next hour or so, the brothers showered themselves in stories and memories of Frigga. With every bittersweet recollection, Loki felt his heart grow lighter even while his eyelids grew heavier.
Soon, Thor was reminiscing with his eye closed and Loki found himself drifting off as well.
"Thor?" he asked after a particularly long stretch of silence, his eyes cracking open enough to catch a glimpse of his exhausted brother.
"Hmm?"
"You'll fix it tomorrow?"
"Yeah."
"… Promise?"
A small smile graced the king's face. "I promise."
With this reassurance blanketing his mind, Loki let the darkness take him at last.
Because he wasn't alone.
She might be gone, but his brother was still here.
And perhaps, that was enough.