It's hard to be at a party

When you feel like an open wound…

"this is me trying," Taylor Swift

"Surprise!"

His knee-jerk reaction was to bite out a curse, which he quickly swallowed back down considering there were children present—and quite a lot of them, at that.

His second impulse was to conceal his shock with a witty smirk—because it was nearly impossible to catch him off-guard like this.

Yet, Thor had done it. Somehow, his brother had managed to completely and utterly surprise him.

Of course, Thor was behind it all. There was no question about it. The large hall of smiling citizens, the room practically drowning in party decorations… and the triple-decker cake sitting in the center of it all with four glittering gold candles at the top. 1,055.

Right.

Was it really that time of year again? As Brunnhilde rolled her eyes and guided him toward the chaos, Loki found himself wracking his brain for an explanation. Had he really forgotten? What's there to remember?

Years. It had been years since a celebration of this sort had been held in his honor.

Honor. He almost scoffed, but Val was right there and Thor wasn't far behind. What is there to honor?

What was there to celebrate?

Him? His "birthday?" Oh, please.

"Well?" Brunnhilde's voice cut through his ugly thoughts, her tone an odd balance between cheery and sarcastic. "You didn't see this coming, did you? Admit it: you totally didn't see this coming."

The best Loki could do was shake his head and hope his smile was still intact. "I didn't."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I knew it! I told you, Thor." She let go of Loki—finally—and gave her king a playful punch on the shoulder. "I bet he didn't even suspect it."

Thor was all sunshine and smiles, per the usual. Though, today—of all days—his smile shone a little brighter. "Well, it's good to know we didn't do all that sneaking around for nothing."

Loki felt his mouth open, but no sound came out. Instead, his gaze drifted across the sea of Asgardians. It seemed as if the entire village had stuffed themselves inside Town Hall. And for what?

For nothing.

After everything he'd done to them. Stolen the throne from his own father—and their beloved, departed king. Played endless prank upon prank. He had even endangered them all by sneaking the Jotuns into Asgard what seemed like an eternity ago.

Asgard… And that was another matter. He'd destroyed their homeland; unleashed Surtur to engulf their homes in the eternal flame.

"Well?" Thor said, filling in the gaping hole of silence. "What do you think?"

Loki opened his mouth once more, but his efforts were in vain.

"Speechless?" Brunnhilde offered.

A nod was all he could manage. "That's… one word for it, yes."

Then, she leaned over to Thor and whispered, "Told you."

After that, the silence began to stretch. He had to do something. Say something. Anything.

"Well," a familiar voice said, "what do you guys usually do first: cake or presents?"

When Loki turned, he saw Bruce Banner lingering off to his right.

And that, perhaps, was the breaking point. Because Bruce was there. Bruce, who—last Loki knew—had been working hard on a project with Stark. Bruce, who flew all the way from New York to Norway just to be there for Loki's birthday celebration.

Bruce, whose city Loki had nearly leveled with an army of Chitari—an act he'd never even apologized for.

And yet, despite all that, Bruce was here.

Why is he—?

Bruce shrugged in that familiar, socially awkward manner of his. "I didn't know if you guys had some Asgardian tradition about that… or something."

"Nope," Thor said, still smiling. "That decision is up to Loki."

"Why me?"

"It's your birthday." Thor spoke as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

Right.

But it's not—

Loki closed his mouth and shut down his mind before he could give voice to the thought. He couldn't. Not yet. Not now.

Not with everyone looking on like that, waiting for him to do something. Anything.

Sucking in a breath, Loki clasped his hands together and flashed one of his crowd-pleasing grins.

"I believe drinks are in order, actually. This is a celebration, is it not?" With a quick wave of his hands, he conjured several bottles of alcohol ranging from standard to exotic, then placed them on the table.

Brunnhilde squinted, disbelief lining her features. "Are those…?"

"They are."

"What?" Thor questioned, staring at the bottles with the same intensity as the Valkyrie.

"You mean to tell me," she went on, "that you've had those on hand all this time?"

"What can I say?" Loki shrugged as he popped the first cork. "Stealing from the Grandmaster was always a joy."

"Tell me about it," Brunnhilde responded with a roll of her eyes at the mention of the name.

"Well," Loki pressed when nobody made a move to drink but Val. "Be my guests."

This seemed to be the permission everyone was waiting for because Loki soon found himself swarmed with people, all of which insisted upon wishing him a happy birthday.

It was absolutely suffocating.

After everything he'd done to them over the years… After all the trouble I've caused…

He couldn't fathom why they were all here—and why they were all celebrating him.

Go away! his mind screamed even as he smiled and nodded his way through the crowd. I'm not worth it, don't you understand?

I'm not—

"Congratulations!" One of Asgard's original healers reached out to close his hand beneath hers.

On another year of living? came his dry thought. Thanks.

"Why, I remember when you weren't but a year old. Oh, you were such a beautiful baby."

Because I wasn't coated in blue and lined with Laufey's ancestral patterns? Yes, thank you.

Forcing a smile, he worked on gently tugging his hand free. "Not as cute as Thor was, I'm sure."

At this, her tone took on a conspiratorial air. "Oh, no. He was an ugly baby! Don't tell him I said such a thing, but I can assure you that he wasn't always in possession of his famed good looks."

Still smiling, Loki stored this bit of information in the back of his mind and finished up the conversation.

Thor. Where was Thor? He was to blame for all of this… this nonsense.

The shoving of a drink into his hand gave Loki his answer.

"There you are!" Thor boomed. "I lost you in the crowd for a second there. So, what do you think?" At first glance, one would've thought it was Thor's birthday, considering the excitement that practically bled off him. "I know it's not like how things used to be. It's probably not even close. But, well, we're on Midgard now, so I thought it'd be nice to try the Midgardian party style for once."

When Thor glanced back at Loki, his eyebrows did a little dip, the kind that never failed to showcase his confusion. It was also Loki's first indication that his own expression no longer matched that cheerful party vibe.

"What? Is it too much?" Thor bit out a soft curse. "I knew it! I told Val not to go overboard, but she got this crazy look in her eyes that warned me not to end her fun. Then… Well, we ended up with all this. You've always been partial to grandeur, though, so I thought—"

Out of the corner of his eye, Loki spotted another group of loyal subjects coming to shower blessings upon their fallen prince.

Quick as a flash, he grabbed Thor's arm and pulled him into one of the small side rooms, all the while trying his best not to spill their drinks.

"Loki! What—?"

Before Thor could get another word in edgewise, Loki turned on him. "What is that?"

"What's what?"

"That!" Loki jabbed a hand at the now closed door. "That abomination out there! I mean, what were you thinking? Were you even thinking at all? You weren't, were you? I knew it! You never think!—"

"Loki, calm down! What is this about? What are you—?"

"That, Thor! Out there! The streamers, the cake, the decorations, everything! I don't—Just get rid of it. All of it. I don't want it."

"Loki," Thor sighed, setting down his drink and spreading his arms in a gesture of surrender, "you're not being reasonable."

"Reasonable?" Loki nearly laughed out loud. "I'm not being… Thor, look at me! It's me, don't you remember? Or have you so easily forgotten what I am? What I've done?"

"You're not making any sense." Thor countered, keeping his temper in check. For now. "What difference does it make who you are? What? Can I not throw a birthday celebration for my own brother? Did you stop aging somewhere along the line and forgot to tell me?"

"Just—" Loki forced himself to inhale. To calm down. A shouting match would get them nowhere. "Thor," he tried again, his tone calmer this time, "we don't even know my actual birthdate. And the only ones who could possibly tell us when I was born is gone."

Odin. Frigga. They're both gone…

And it's so your fault.

Thor's expression turned thoughtful. "I don't think so. A celebration is a celebration, and a birthday is a birthday. No matter when you choose to celebrate, the sentiment is still the same."

"Right. How quickly you forget that I've never been one for sentiment."

"The date never seemed to matter to you before."

"Well, I haven't exactly celebrated my birthday since I discovered my entire birth was a lie, now have I? Oh," Loki added, his tone dripping with sarcasm, "and I do seem to recall being told repeatedly that I was born on the seventeenth. But, that might not be accurate anymore. Perhaps we should've celebrated yesterday, or tomorrow. Better yet, why don't we cover all the bases and just celebrate all week. Won't that be such fun?"

When Thor flashed a sly grin, Loki knew he was trying to lift the mood. Yeah… Not buying it this time, brother.

"A week-long celebration, hmm?" Thor stroked his beard in mock thought. "That doesn't sound half-bad. Sounds a bit like a celebration from the good old days, doesn't it?"

"I don't want to celebrate me!" Loki snapped—because to Helheim with trying to keep it civil. "Get that through your thick skull before I crack it open!"

"Okay, so let me see if I got this straight: you can celebrate me, and that's fine. You can surprise me with a birthday celebration, sing songs and give gifts, and all that, but I can't do the same for you? Is that right?"

"Well," Loki shot back, crossing his arm over his chest, "when you put it that way: yes. That's right. Bravo for finally putting all the pieces together!"

"Oh, come on, Loki! You're being unreasonable!"

"Yes, just keep playing that broken record over and over again."

"There are people out there who put a lot into giving you this party!"

"I told you, I don't want it! I don't want to be celebrated, so stop it!"

"Oh, so that mess I came back to on Asgard? What was that? Because the giant golden statue and self-centered play sure seemed like a celebration of Loki to me!"

"Newsflash: that was just me being me. That was me being my egotistical, narcissistic self because I had nothing better to do!"

"You can hold celebrations for yourself, so why can't I?" Thor thundered, their faces mere inches apart now.

"Because when I'm the one doing it, I know it's not real!"

An arrow of the purest, heaviest silence pierced the air after that and the brothers stared each other down. One looked on with disbelief as the other dared the first to make a move.

To prove him wrong.

But Thor said nothing, allowing them both to be enveloped in the suffocating silence.

Soon, however, Loki's lips were moving before he could stop them.

"Tell me," he began, his voice nearly low enough to be a whisper, "what is there to celebrate? What about everything I've ever done screams celebration to you?"

Thor swallowed, but he didn't break eye contact.

"Maybe it was fine back then. back when we were young and innocent, but now…" Loki blinked his eyes against the rising emotion. It was unwanted and uncalled for. He was fine. "I know a farce when I see one, Thor. When I did all that back on Asgard, I could take it for what it was: a farce. Because I know what deceit looks like when I see it, so when I look at everyone out there. When I look at you and Brunnhilde and everything you've done for me… I can't—" Swallowing was his only defense against the tightness gathering in his throat. "I know what it looks like and I can't—" Brilliant. You're not making any sense whatsoever. "It's not right. After all I've done, it's not right, Thor."

Only when Loki's gaze flicked back up to his brother's did he realize he'd looked away. Shame and guilt weighed heavy upon his shoulders. So heavy, in fact, that he glanced away again. He couldn't take it, Thor's stare. So open, so loving, so forgiving.

Why?

How?

How can he even stand to be in the same room with you?

"I destroyed New York," Loki pressed on, his tongue moving of its own accord now—faster than his brain could keep up with it. "And killed more people than I can count in the process. Innocent people who never even saw it coming. And the Dark Elves that murdered our mother? I told them where to go. I didn't know it was her and not you I was sending them to, but it was my fault all the same. I've lied, manipulated, and tricked you countless times! I faked my death twice and never told you I was alive. I sent Father to his death. I unleashed our bloodthirsty sister upon the universe and destroyed Asgard! None of which would've happened if I had just stayed in my cell and served out my life sentence as I deserved! So I'm sure you can understand why there is absolutely nothing to celebrate about me!"

As his voice continued to rise, Loki became vaguely aware of the rebel tears streaking down his face. "Oh, and on top of all that, I was going to betray you on Sakaar. And I would've done it, too, had you not stopped me. See, that's what I deserve: an obedience disk embedded in my skin! Not cakes or candles or—or balloons or streamers or… or… anything! Thor, I don't—!"

A strangled gasp escaped his throat as Thor's arms closed around him, hugging him so tight, Loki was certain he would be crushed beneath the pressure.

And he felt his drink slip out of his hand, shattering on the floor with a sound that mimicked the crushing of his own heart.

The tears flowed freely now and Loki did nothing to stop them, he only buried his face in his brother's shoulder, then held on for dear life.

For what felt like an eternity, neither spoke. The only sound that filled the room were Loki's muffled sobs. As the length between them gradually grew longer, however, Thor sucked in a steady breath.

"Everything you've done…" the soft voice of his brother began. "Let me think… I seem to remember this little boy…"

No.

Don't.

"Stop," Loki choked out between sobs.

"Who took time out of his day to learn the names of everyone in the palace. Every servant, every healer, every one of the Einherjar."

Stop it…

"And," Thor went on, "I remember this little boy would also take pains to make sure all the rodents and birds that ventured into the palace found their way back out again before they were exterminated."

"… Shut up…" But the command lacked any of its usual bite.

"I also remember—"

"I said stop."

"—All the quests you followed me on—all the times you and your magic saved my skin. And I remember nights under the stars with you and Mother. Fighting with you side by side. I remember the way you risked your own life to save Jane's, and the way you rode in with Korg and the rest of them at the eleventh hour. I remember the way you rescued our people from Hela, and the way you risked your life again to bring her down."

Loki felt his fingers curl tighter around his brother's shirt as his sobs tapered out at last.

"So," Thor finished, his tone firm and full of emotion, "don't for a minute think your life is not worth celebrating because it is. Even if you hadn't done all those things, I would still celebrate you simply because you're my brother—and you always will be."

Try as he might, Loki couldn't force anything more out of his throat than a few muted whimpers.

When Loki felt Thor begin to pull away, it took every ounce of his dignity not to cling to his brother's shirt like a child. After all, he'd already embarrassed himself enough with the tears and the whimpering. Well done, Loki. Well done.

But Thor shifted his grip to Loki's shoulders, his gaze bearing no judgement whatsoever.

"Okay?"

Slowly, Loki felt himself nod. "Okay."

"Good," Thor said with a smile. "Because I got you one of those silly party hats and I'm not leaving until I see you wear it."

Swiping at his cheeks with the palm of his hand, Loki let out a slight chuckle. "If it's anywhere near half as ridiculous as the one I gave you on your birthday, I think I'll pass."

"Oh,"—And Thor leaned in closer, patting Loki's shoulder and giving him a sly wink—"it makes that hat look absolutely normal."

"Then I'm definitely passing."

Thor just hummed. "We'll see."

Brunnhilde chose that moment to burst into the room, a bottle of dark blue alcohol in her hand. "What are you guys doing? You're missing the whole party! I didn't decorate this entire hall for nothing. Now, come on!"

"To be fair," Thor interjected, "I did most of the streamers."

"Yeah, then I had to untangle your mess and redo it all."

At this, Loki smirked and shot his brother a wry grin. "He's never been much good at decorating."

"Well, what do you call all that out there?" By now, Thor had subtly begun to lead Loki toward the door.

"I'd call it a brilliant display of the Valkyrie's ingenuity and creative thinking." Loki clapped his hands together. "Well done, Brunnhilde."

Bowing her head in mock appreciation, Val gestured at the party with her prized bottle. "I didn't put it all up for me, you know. Go on! Get out there, Lackey! Show us a good time."

"Oh," Loki said as he shook off the pain of the last few minutes, "I'll show you a good time…"

A flick of his hands and a few seconds later, a small cluster of fireworks filled the top of the main hall. All the citizens stopped their festivities and gazed up in awe.

"Don't worry," Loki told Thor when the latter shot him a wary look. "They're only illusions. I might be a trickster, but I'm not a fire-hazard."

A warm smile stretched Thor's lips as he turned his attention back to the display. "Just checking."

"I know."

Loki's own gaze drifted from his magic down to the townspeople. Here they were, attending this party of their own free will. No one was forcing them to be there, yet there they were, all the same. They didn't hate him. If they did, surely they wouldn't have gathered to celebrate his birth.

If they did, they wouldn't have been smiling and sending him well-wishes.

Now, would they?

Perhaps, Thor was right. That's a first.

Oh, shut up.

The only one who couldn't seem to get past all he'd done was himself.

That's certainly something you'll be needing to work on.

At least, for that, he had all the time in the world—and, he realized as he risked a glance at Thor, all the support he needed, too.

"Now," he heard his brother say, a determined look capturing his face, "where did I put that hat…?"

Oh, Norns, help me.