Dear Little One

by cloudyunicorn698

As Jane and Maura embark on their newest journey: pregnancy and motherhood, Maura reflects on her life, her relationship with Jane, and what she wants for their children. Maura writes a letter to their unborn child each week of Jane's pregnancy. 43 chapters.

2. Before you existed

Dear Little One,

You don't even exist yet, and somehow, I already love you more than you know. I don't know how it's possible, but it's true. All my life, I have relied on evidence and facts. I've always required proof before I'll believe anything. I trust science. I have faith in the scientific method, the empirical process. I depend on the things I can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. The science tells me that you do not yet exist.

I know the process. I've read everything I could get my hands on about in vitro fertilization. Late last night, I gave myself the human chorionic gonadotropin injection, more commonly known as the "trigger shot," which is the last step before egg retrieval. We have an appointment tomorrow morning for the doctor to retrieve my eggs. After retrieval, my eggs and the donor sperm will co-incubate for a few hours before the actual fertilization takes place. After fertilization, the cells are given time to grow. Three days later the embryos will be scored and the "best" embryos will be selected for transfer. At that time, the selected embryos will be implanted in mama's uterus.

While I know you don't exist yet, I honestly don't know at what point you actually exist. I suppose that is a matter for scientific, religious, and philosophical debate that I have no part in, but that doesn't really matter. What matters is that I already love you, my child, more than anything. It may be a love I can't understand – and if you don't know already, you will know soon how much I hate not being able to understand something – but I have no doubt that my love for you exists. It is something that not only exists, but it is incredibly strong, somewhat overwhelming, and wholly unbreakable. It is scary, but it is also the best feeling in the world, this love I have for you.

The only force that holds a candle to the love I have for you is the love I have for your mama. I love your mama with everything I have, and I want you to know that. I want you to always remember that. Your mama and I love each other so much, and we can't wait to share that love with you, little one.

Love,
Mommy