Dear Little One,
I don't think I've ever been this nervous. I was nervous before I started kindergarten, I was nervous when I went to boarding school, I was nervous when I went to college, I was nervous before medical school, I was nervous when I started my internship, and I was extremely nervous before my first day as the chief medical examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Before I met your mother, that was my most important identity, my most important title. Honestly, at the time, I never thought any other title or role would ever be more important to me. I was wrong – so, so wrong. My professional titles don't even come close to being anywhere near as important to me as my role as a wife and (hopefully) a mother – and that in itself makes me nervous.
I'm sure it has something to do with the lack of control. Mama will tell you that I am a "control freak," as she likes to call me. However, while that is definitely part of it, I think more of my anxiety comes from the fact that I have never wanted anything this much. I've never wanted anything as much as I want you, as much as mama and I both want you. The only thing that I can think of that even comes close is how much I wanted (and still want) to spend my life with mama, but the truth is, the two things are inextricably linked. I suppose what I want more than anything is our family: mama, you, and your future siblings (I'm hopeful that we can give you siblings).
In an hour, we leave for mama's appointment with the doctor. They will draw some of mama's blood and a few hours later, we will know if she is pregnant. We will know if you exist. Mama is nervous, too, but I think she hides it better than I do. I'm pretty sure everyone can see how nervous I am, but only I can see how nervous she is.
Oh, mama is calling me, so I need to go, but I'll write later.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. I just checked on mama, and she was vomiting. I definitely should not be this happy that she isn't feeling well, but both of us are hoping that this is early-onset morning sickness. I've never seen anyone smile so widely in response to nausea, but mama's smile was huge when she told me she was "lost her breakfast" – her words, not mine. ❤
Dear Little One,
The test was POSITIVE! I've been crying on and off all afternoon. Every time I realize again that you exist, that you are real, that you are alive, fresh tears burn at the corners of my eyes. It's the best feeling in the world.
Poor mama, though. Her morning sickness came on suddenly, and it hasn't let up all day. I wanted to take her out to dinner to celebrate, but she hasn't been able to leave the bathroom for more than 20 minutes since we got home from the doctor's office. I do hope that her nausea isn't severe for long. Luckily, she's now been asleep for nearly an hour, and I hope she can sleep through the night.
Now, I am going to climb into bed next to her and hold her close. I'm going to thank the universe – maybe even the God I don't believe in but mama does – that she is mine, and that you are mine. That you are ours.
Goodnight, little one. I love you more than life.
Mommy