Dear Little One,
I'm scared. Those are the words I admitted to mama in the early hours just before dawn this morning as she held me tight in her arms. I was afraid to turn around, to see her disappointment in me at my admission, but I needn't have been. Instead of expressing disappointment in me, mama tightened her embrace around me, pulled me impossibly closer, and whispered, "me, too," into my ear. And that was exactly what I needed to hear. Instead of responding with words, I pulled our linked hands up to my mouth and kissed her knuckles before clutching them to my chest. I don't know how long we laid there not saying a word, silent tears pouring down our cheeks. We didn't need words as our loved surrounded and enveloped us – all three of us – in the darkness of our bedroom. And I knew, in that moment, even if I was having doubts, we would be okay. We will do this together. We can do anything together.
Maybe it should have scared me to hear that mama is scared too, but it didn't. Hearing mama say those words, express the same feelings that I was experiencing made me feel normal, like I was doing something right.
I'm having doubts. Not about you, little one. I have no doubts about you, about your existence, about how much I love you. No, I'm having doubts about my ability to be the mother you deserve because you deserve the best. I love my parents, but they weren't the type of parents that I want to emulate. They loved me the best they could. I know they did. I know that they still love me. But I wasn't always sure. They weren't around much, and I often wasn't their priority. I don't regret my past, though, because I wouldn't be the person I am today with out it, without my parents. And I don't want to be anyone or anywhere else.
Still, that's not how I want to raise you. I want to raise you to know how much you are loved and cherished. I want to be at every school play, every sports game, every dance recital, every event that is important to you. I want to spend every birthday and holiday with you and mama. I want you to never doubt that mama and I will be there for you, regardless of how insignificant the thing you want us there for might seem. Because nothing is insignificant when it comes to you.
I don't know if I will ever truly get past my fear, and honestly, I don't know if I want to. Instead, I'd rather use my fear to be a better parent.
Don't worry, little one. I suppose it's probably not comforting to hear that your parents are scared to be parents. However, we may be scared, but it's only because we already love you so much. So don't worry, little one. Despite our own fears and insecurities, we still cannot wait until you're here.
I love you with everything I have and everything I am…the good and the bad…the easy and the hard…the excitement and the fear.
Love,
Mommy