Chapter 1: Found

A/N: Many trigger warnings apply, including mentions of sexual assault and rape (non-graphic) and physical, psychological/mental, and sexual torture/abuse (non-graphic, but the story will give some information on what type of abuse happened without describing it in detail). However, these events occurred BEFORE this story, which primarily follows the recovery process.

I honestly NEVER thought I would write a story that included rape or sexual assault, but I keep coming back to this one.

I was going to wait to write this story, but I have a few stories going where I put Maura through shitty stuff and Jane is super supportive. I want to have an on-going story where Maura is primarily supporting Jane (even though we all know that they both always support each other), so that I can switch back and forth and balance my writing. I'll probably rotate between posting chapters for this story and Postpartum Love. And well, we all know I can't hold off on posting when I start a new story.

Once she had her coffee, Maura found a seat by the window. She sighed as she watched the passersby on the street. She always enjoyed visiting local coffee shops in college towns so that she could people-watch. She loved the atmosphere, and she loved being surrounded by so many people inspired to learn.

Still, she had to admit that sometimes she felt lonely when she was surrounded by so many happy people. It's not that she was depressed. It's just that she wasn't as happy as she used to be. In general, her life was going well, but there was one giant gaping hole – a gigantic, best-friend sized, Jane-sized hole.

It had been 189 days since Maura had seen Jane, over six months since Maura had seen her best friend. But she couldn't blame Jane for leaving, which is exactly why Maura hadn't looked for her.

Two-hundred-and-twenty days ago, Maura had failed her friend for the first time. Her worst nightmare had occurred. Jane had disappeared. No matter how many times people told her it wasn't her fault, Maura still blamed herself. She should have forced Jane to stay.

The team had been working an especially difficult case. Women in their mid- to late-thirties had been showing up dead all over the city for weeks, and their team was at a dead-end. The bodies had been emaciated and severely dehydrated. The only bruises on their bodies were around their mouths and noses – the women had been suffocated to death, too weak from lack of food and water to fight back. There were no signs that they were beaten or sexually assaulted. There was no helpful trace evidence on the bodies. In short, they had nothing.

Maura, Jane, and their entire team were working themselves to the bone, operating on very little sleep. That night – easily the worst night of Maura's life – Jane had driven Maura home. When Jane had been forced to go home for a few hours to sleep and shower, she had convinced Maura to do the same. Maura had tried to persuade Jane to stay at her house, but Jane had turned her down, saying that she needed stuff from her apartment. Not getting Jane to stay was the first time Maura had failed her friend. They knew a mad man was on the loose. Why didn't they stay together? Why didn't all of them at least not let anyone go anywhere alone? Why didn't Maura fight harder? All she would have had to do is tell Jane that she was afraid to be alone, and Jane would have stayed. But Maura let her go.

When Jane didn't show up at Maura's house as she promised, six hours later, Maura figured that Jane was just so tired that she forgot. Her Prius was at the office since Jane had driven her home the previous night, so she took her Mercedes. She drove herself to work and went straight back to working on the case. This is the second time Maura failed her friend. Why didn't she check on Jane? Why didn't she do something when Jane didn't show up to pick her up that morning? Why didn't she make sure Jane was at her desk when Maura arrived at the office? Why hadn't she called Jane? Why hadn't she gone to Jane's apartment? The truth was, she had hoped that Jane had slept through whatever alarm she had set and was getting a little extra sleep. It would have been not only understandable but warranted given the hours Jane had been working. But Jane never took care of herself during these kinds of cases, so why had Maura thought this time was different?

It took thirteen hours after Maura had said goodnight to Jane the prior evening for anyone to start to worry. Maura had assumed that Jane had eventually shown up upstairs, and Frost and Korsak thought that Jane was still with Maura. It wasn't until Maura went upstairs to discuss the latest lab report that they all realized that they were wrong.

It took twenty-two hours after Maura had last seen Jane for them to link her disappearance to their ongoing case.

It took one-hundred-and-fifty hours for them to find Jane. And when they did find Jane, she refused to tell anyone what happened to her. Maura had no idea what Jane had told the doctors at the hospital because Jane hadn't allowed anyone into the hospital room with them.

The man who had taken Jane and killed all of those women – a man whose name Maura refused to even think – had been killed during Jane's rescue. The case was closed. Jane was home. It was over…it was supposed to be over.

Except it wasn't over. And that's when Maura failed her friend for the third…and forth…and fifth…and…and…and…time. She and Angela had smothered Jane. Honestly, all of their friends and family had smothered Jane, but Maura knew that she and Angela had been the worst offenders. They never let Jane out of their sight.

And so, Jane had run. She had left. Jane had written Maura and her mother each a note, telling them that she had to go, that she had to get away from all of this, that she needed time to heal…and she asked them not to look for her.

Angela had begged Frankie, Korsak, and Frost to look for Jane, but when Maura asked them not to – told them that Jane didn't want to be found – they agreed to respect Jane's wishes.

But that didn't mean that Maura didn't miss her friend. She missed Jane more than she ever thought it was possible to miss someone. She understood why Jane needed to leave – even if she hated it – but Maura couldn't just continue on with her life without Jane.

First, Angela moved out. Maura and Angela didn't exactly have a falling out, but between how much they each missed Jane and their disagreements about how to respond to Jane's disappearance, they were no longer close.

Then, Maura quit her job. She had taken a few weeks off to help Jane after Jane's rescue, but if Jane wasn't going back to work, Maura didn't think she could either. Eventually, she had started traveling the country giving presentations on forensic pathology to undergraduates, graduate students, and medical students. It was a good change, and even though she still technically lived in the Boston-area, her new career choices mostly kept her away from the city…away from the memories of Jane.

And so, Maura had sold her Beacon Hill home and rented a small one-bedroom apartment in Cambridge. But the truth was, it was more of a glorified hotel room – a place she stayed on the nights she was in New England. Maura was pretty sure that no place would ever feel like home again – not without Jane.

Maura kept in contact with her old friends, but they exchanged mostly pleasantries. Maura knew that no one wanted to bring up Jane in front of Maura, and Maura didn't really want to talk about Jane with anyone else. She primarily sent Korsak, Frost, Frankie, and even Angela emails about her travels. In some ways, they would always be her family, but without Jane it just hurt too much to be around them.

Maura didn't hate her new solitary life, but she did feel like she was living in a sort of limbo, always hoping that today might be the day she heard from Jane again.

Maura looked out the window again and rested her head in her hands, her elbows leaning on the table in front of her. It had started to snow. She watched as the students walked faster and the cars drove slower. She watched as the sidewalk and streets got wet. She watched as her coffee got cold and her body tired.

She was spending one more night in East Lansing, so she didn't feel the need to hurry anywhere. She had given a lecture yesterday to the forensic science masters' students at Michigan State University, and she had met one-on-one and in small groups with select students this morning. She had the afternoon and evening off before she flew back to Boston in the morning.

Maura sat back in her seat. She supposed she should relinquish her monopoly on the window table, and she probably needed to find something more substantial for dinner, but she was having a hard time motivating herself to go out into the snow and cold.

"You're a hard person to find, ya know that?" a raspy voice that Maura would know anywhere said a few feet from her table.

Maura froze, but she refused to turn around. She must have imagined it. It wouldn't be the first time she had thought she saw Jane somewhere only to tap on some dark-haired stranger's shoulder or heard a deep, raspy voice only to have her heart broken when that person cleared their throat and spoke in a clearer tone.

"Maura?" Jane said timidly.

Maura's body started trembling as she turned slowly in her chair. The time it took to turn around felt like it lasted forever as she tried to look at Jane as fast as possible and like it was happening too fast as she savored the moment while it was still possible for the voice to be her friend's – before she turned around and her heart broke again.

"Jane!" Maura squeaked as she jumped out of her chair, knocking it over in the process.

Jane jumped at the sudden movement and took a small step back.

Maura's eyes scanned up and down her friend. She couldn't believe that Jane was standing here, right in front of her. Jane looked healthier than the last time Maura had seen her, but Maura still saw the sadness etched in Jane's face. Jane was wearing sensible boots with dark jeans tucked into them, but the rest of her outfit was covered by the big black puffy winter coat she was wearing. Jane was holding what looked like a bag full of books in her arms.

When Maura's gaze finally reached Jane's face, Jane gave her a sad, nervous smile. It wasn't until that moment that Maura realized that she had been standing and staring at her friend for far too long without saying anything.

"J-Jane," Maura tried again, but her throat was too dry to get anything else out.

Jane chuckled softly, and it sounded real, causing Maura to burst into tears.

Jane's eyes went wide in surprise. She reached to reset Maura's chair and gently guided Maura to sit. "I'm-I'm sorry," Jane said shakily. "I should go." Jane started to turn, and Maura reached out to grab her elbow. Jane jerked away violently at the touch, but she turned back to face Maura again.

"I'm sorry," Maura said weakly. "Please don't go. I'm sorry. I won't…I won't touch you. I promise. Please…just don't go yet…please?"

Jane nodded but didn't move.

"You can sit," Maura said softly, gesturing to the empty chair across from her.

Jane sat, but she didn't move to set her bag down or take off her coat. She looked like she was ready to bolt at any second.

"I-I-I promise I didn't look for you," Maura said quickly. "I didn't know you'd be here. I wanted to…I really miss you…but I respected your wishes. I didn't know…"

Jane let out a breath and gave Maura a small smile. "I know," she said. "I know you didn't come here to find me, but uh…I came here to find you…"

"What?" Maura said in surprise.

Jane glanced out the window. She still had a death grip on her bag, and Maura was afraid that if she moved even a little bit Jane would flee.

Jane looked down at her lap. "I know you didn't look for me, and I really appreciate that you respected my wishes. I, um, I've really missed you, too, but I, uh, I can't go back…" Jane trailed off. She paused before she took a deep breath and continued, "I can't go back to Boston. Not yet. And probably not anytime soon. But I missed you. A lot. And so…well, I hope this doesn't sound creepy…but I, uh, I paid attention to what you've been doing over the past few months, and I looked up your speaking schedule. When I saw that you were speaking here, I decided I had to try to come see you. I was planning on just coming to your presentation, but well…I chickened out. But I saw on the school website that you were meeting with students today. Except it's snowing all over the state. I thought I was too late. You had already left the department when I got there. I tried to convince them to give me your hotel information, but they wouldn't, which I suppose is actually a good thing. But then, one of them told me that you were asking about local coffee shops, so I've been going to every coffee shop in East Lansing." Jane looked up at Maura when she finished. Maura's mouth was hanging open in shock, and she had no idea what to say.

"Okay, um, saying that out loud sounds really stalkery…especially considering…" Jane stopped talking and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

Maura swallowed thickly, willing moisture to return to her mouth. "I-I'm really glad you did, though," she said. "I've hoped every day since you left that I could see you again, talk to you again, even if just to say I'm sorry."

Jane's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she said.

"Yes, I do, Jane," Maura said vehemently. She wasn't sure if this was the right time. In fact, she was pretty sure it was not the right time, but if this was the last time she saw Jane…well, she had to try. "I understand why you left. I was smothering you. I know it wasn't just me, but I can't do anything about your mother or anyone else. I'm sorry I didn't respect your space. I'm sorry that I just made it worse. All I wanted was to support you and to help you heal, but instead I was doing what I needed to feel better, not what you needed."

"Maura, hold on," Jane cut into Maura's monologue.

"I…" Maura started to apologize, but when Jane raised her eyebrow, she stopped.

"Maura, I didn't leave because of you," Jane said. "I…did you really think that? I never meant to make you feel…you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Were you a little overbearing? Well, yes, but that's not why I left. And yeah, ma was a lot overbearing, but she's not why I left either."

"I don't understand…" Maura whispered.

Jane glanced around nervously, and Maura misread her hesitation. "I'm sorry," Maura said quickly. "You don't have to tell me."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I told you to stop apologizing," she said slightly teasingly, but Maura didn't smile. "Maura, if I wasn't ready to tell you, I wouldn't have come here," she said kindly. "But, uh, after I tell you why I left, can we go somewhere else to talk?"

"Of course," Maura said quickly, glad that Jane wanted to talk more. "You can wait to tell me everything until we go somewhere else. Do you live around here? Do you want to go back to your place? Or do you want to go to my hotel? Or would you prefer somewhere public?"

Jane raised an eyebrow in amusement at how fast Maura was talking. "How do you feel about take-out in your hotel room?" Jane asked.

Maura smiled broadly. She couldn't help it. Jane was here. Jane was willing to spend time with her. Jane was willing to talk to her. "That sounds perfect," she said honestly.

Maura started to stand, but she paused when she noticed that Jane hadn't moved. Sitting back down, she said, "It's okay if you change your mind. And I don't mean just right now. If we're halfway there and you change your mind, it's okay. If you come over and you want to leave, you can leave at any time."

"It's not…it's not that," Jane said. "It's…well, I think I need to tell you why I left before we leave…or well, maybe just show you…"

Jane took a deep breath as though steeling herself for a fight. She finally put her bag down and pulled off her coat.

"Oh," Maura said under her breath as her eyes found Jane's.

A/N: Before you jump on me, Maura blames herself. I don't think she is at fault, even a little bit, but this will be explored as part of this story.