Chapter 2: Touch
Maura's eyes remained locked on Jane's face as Jane sat back down. Jane was pregnant – six months by the look of it…which meant…
"Jane…" Maura said in a near whisper. "I-I didn't know."
Jane smirked. "Well, yeah, that was kinda the point," she said. There was a hint of amusement in her voice that confused Maura, which Jane must have noticed. Sobering, she added, "It's not funny. Obviously, I don't think any of this is funny."
"Nervous laughter," Maura said. "Researchers aren't exactly sure why it happens, but many people think it's a cognitive defense mechanism. It distracts you from your discomfort."
"Thanks, Google," Jane teased, finally drawing a smile from Maura. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Jane asked, "What are you thinking?"
Maura hesitated before deciding that Jane deserved the truth. "Honestly, that I wish you would have told me, but I understand that that is primarily a selfish desire," she said. "Jane, did you think that I would have…I don't know…judged you?"
Jane shook her head. "No, but I needed to figure out what to do about it on my own," she said. "I couldn't handle…" Jane trailed off.
"I'm so sorry, Jane," Maura said.
Jane shook her head. "It's not…let's wait to get more into this when we have a little more privacy," she said. "But Maura? Please don't feel too bad. There's a reason you're the person I reached out to first."
Maura smiled sadly.
"But, uh, since I know you're probably wondering but too polite to ask," Jane continued. "Yes, I'm keeping the baby. Yes, the fath…the sperm donor is who you think it is. And no, no one else from home knows."
Maura nodded. "Let's get some food and go back to my hotel before we talk more," she said. "But there are two things I need you to know. First of all, I will love this baby so much. I don't care whose sperm help create him or her. All that matters to me is that he or she is yours. And second…"
"She," Jane cut in quietly. "It's a girl."
Maura couldn't help the smile that tugged at her lips. A girl. Jane was having a girl. Maura wanted to say more, but she decided to continue with her previous train of thought. "And second, I will support you in whatever way I can, whatever way you need me to."
"Thank you," Jane said quietly, her hand resting protectively over her baby bump. "But yeah, let's get food. She's hungry."
"Already blaming her, are we?" Maura teased as she stood up.
Jane laughed brightly, and Maura's heart squeezed in her chest. She hadn't heard that sound in so long. She would do anything just to hear it again…and hopefully, again and again and again.
Maura followed Jane out of the coffee shop, dropping her trash in the bin on the way out.
"Do you have a car or how did you get here?" Jane asked.
"My rental car is parked just down the street," Maura replied, pointing in the direction of her car.
"Okay, I'm that way," Jane said, pointing in the opposite direction.
"Why don't I give you the address of my hotel?" Maura suggested. "You can follow me, but that way you have it if we get separated. We can then order room service at my hotel instead of stopping somewhere on the way. They have a decent restaurant and bar, so I expect they'll have something you'll like. I know they have burgers."
Jane smiled at Maura and nodded. "Let me walk you to your car, though," she said.
"Oh, I'm…" Maura started, intending to tell Jane that she was fine, but when she saw the look on Jane's face, she stopped. "Okay, but only if you'll let me drop you off at your car then, instead of you walking back to it alone."
Jane nodded and followed Maura to her car.
Twenty minutes later, Maura stepped out of her car, and Jane was once again instantly by her side, her head whipping in every direction in a constant search for danger. Jane had always been hypervigilant, so it broke Maura's heart to see how much more anxious her friend was now. Jane's eyes remained peeled as she followed Maura into the hotel and to her room.
Maura unlocked her door and started to step inside, intending to hold the door open for Jane, but Jane's hand flew out to stop her.
Jane looked at Maura was a desperation in her eyes that Maura didn't think she'd ever seen before. "Can I, um…?" Jane asked nervously.
"Yes, whatever you need," Maura said quickly, stepping back to let Jane enter first. She watched as Jane checked every nook and cranny of the room and bathroom, including behind the shower curtain, in the wardrobe, and under the bed.
When she was done, Jane turned to Maura. "Sorry," she offered, embarrassment underlying her words.
"It's okay, Jane," Maura said genuinely. "I meant it when I said, 'whatever you need.'"
Jane nodded as she moved to take off her winter clothes and boots. Maura followed suite before finding the room service menu and handing it to Jane.
"I'll just get a burger and fries," Jane said, but she looked like she wanted to say something else.
"Jane?" Maura asked softly.
"Can you also order some bottled water? Like a few of them? I know they're ridiculously over-priced in hotels, but I'll pay…"
"Jane, don't worry about the cost," Maura cut in. "Of course, I'll order bottled water."
"Thank you," Jane said, avoiding Maura's eyes.
"I'll order if you want to sit," Maura suggested.
"Okay, thanks," Jane replied, her tone returning more to normal.
When Maura finished placing their order, she found Jane on the couch in the sitting area of her room. Maura's first instinct was to sit on the couch next to Jane, but she wasn't sure how Jane would feel about that. "Jane?" she asked.
Jane turned to look at her. "Yeah?" she prompted.
"Where would you like me to sit?"
Jane smiled. "You can sit with me on the couch," she said, "but thank you for asking."
Maura nodded and sat down on the other side of the couch. Maura watched as Jane looked around the room nervously, but she couldn't tell if Jane was afraid of actual danger or if she was just uncomfortable being here with Maura. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable?" Maura asked after a few minutes.
Jane shook her head and finally looked at Maura. "No, I'm not scared. I'm just nervous," she said. "There's a difference."
"Yes, there is," Maura said kindly, unsure of what else to say. "But if there's anything I can do…"
"I know, Maura," Jane said softly, smiling sadly at Maura. Jane took a deep breath. "Well, maybe that's a place to start," she said. "I guess you can probably tell by that statement that I've been in therapy. It's…I…well, it was necessary…I realize that sounds stupid."
"Jane, nothing you've said is stupid," Maura cut in, unable to let her friend disparage herself. "I'm really proud of you for doing what you needed to do to heal."
"Yeah, well, it's a process," Jane said. "I still have a long way to go, but I'm much better than the last time you saw me. I…well, for the last few weeks, maybe even months, I've been working on reaching out to you. Or more accurately, preparing to reach out to you. I mean, I know I could have called you or emailed you, but I realized a while ago that I couldn't have this conversation over the phone. I also couldn't go back to Boston, so I started trying to find out when you'd be somewhere within driving distance.
"I, uh, I made a list…of things I need to tell you…or talk about, I guess," Jane said, her voice uncharacteristically nervous. She held up a crumbled piece of paper that Maura hadn't noticed before. "And, um, I know I need to give you a chance to ask me questions, too."
"Honestly, Jane, I'm just so happy to see you," Maura said. "I'm willing…no, I want to hear everything you are willing to tell me, but you don't owe me anything, okay? Not an explanation and not answers to my questions."
"I want to," Jane said simply.
"Okay, then, that's what I want too," Maura said with a smile. "Do you want to start before the food arrives or wait until after we eat?"
"Um…" Jane stalled as she thought, but she ended up not having to decide.
KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. "Room service," someone called from outside the door.
Jane jumped slightly, but quickly settled back into her seat.
"It's okay," Maura said. "I'll get it."
Jane had moved to the table when Maura returned with their food. She quickly unpacked their dinners while Jane pulled out a couple of water bottles from the case Maura had ordered. Maura tried not to stare as she watched Jane out of the corner of her eye. It looked like Jane was trying to calculate something based on the label on the water bottle. Eventually, she sat two bottles in front of her food and one in front of Maura's before moving the case off to the side.
When she went to take her seat, Jane noticed Maura staring.
"Sorry," Maura said quickly when Jane smirked at her. Maura dropped her gaze and took her seat across from Jane.
"I suppose the fact that I was not given water while I was…while I was…while I was held hostage is probably something you already know given that the other victims were severely dehydrated," Jane's voice cracked as she said, 'held hostage.' "It happened slowly, but over the few weeks after I was found, I became more and more obsessed with water. About a month after I left Boston, it got so bad that I made myself sick…apparently, there is such a thing as too much water. It didn't help that with morning sickness, I was losing water…then, trying to compensate…and it became a vicious cycle.
"I'm not totally over it. I still get really nervous if I don't know exactly where extra water is…like something other than tap water because that can be turned off. That's why I asked you to get water. But now, I have to regulate myself to make sure I don't drink too much, so that's what you saw me calculating."
Maura nodded. She really didn't know what to say to that. "That makes sense," she said, feeling stupid.
Jane smiled, and Maura knew that Jane could tell just how out of her depth Maura was. "You know, you don't need to worry so much about saying the wrong thing," Jane said gently.
Maura nodded vaguely, but she was still worried. She didn't want to say anything that would make Jane want to leave, but even more than that, she didn't want to hurt Jane more than she had already been hurt.
"You already said what I really needed to hear," Jane continued. "So, you can stop worrying."
"But I haven't said anything," Maura said in confusion as she picked at her salad. Jane on the other hand was devouring her burger.
"I may still be…well, we both know healing is a process, but I'm not…I'm not fragile," Jane said. "But there was only one deal breaker. One thing I wouldn't be able to get past."
"What's that?" Maura whispered shakily.
"You already said you'd love the baby," Jane said, smiling sadly at Maura. "I'm not willing to let anyone in my life…in our lives that will think of her or treat her any different because of how she…because of how she came to be."
"Differently," Maura said automatically.
Jane raised her eyebrow in mock annoyance, but she couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped.
"I will love your daughter," Maura said vehemently. "No, I already love her. That is not something you need to worry about…not with me, at least."
Jane smiled. "Like I said, you already said what I needed to hear most," Jane said. "I'm not saying you're not going to say the wrong thing at some point. I'm sure I will, too. I'm just saying that we can work through anything else."
"Can I ask…is she healthy? Are you healthy? Are both of you healthy? Physically, at least?" Maura asked.
"Yeah, we're good," Jane said.
"Good," Maura breathed out. "I'm really glad."
"You should eat," Jane prompted, gesturing to Maura's barely touched salad. Jane had already finished eating.
Maura sighed. "I'm not very hungry," she said. "The faculty members hosting my visit took me out to lunch. I think I'll save the rest of my salad for later."
"Okay, I'm just gonna get rid of my trash and wash my hands," Jane said as she stood. "Then, maybe we can talk?"
Maura nodded as she covered her salad.
After they had cleared their dinners, Jane sat back on the couch, so Maura followed. Maura could tell that Jane was nervous. She was fidgeting, rolling the corner of her paper, and she kept resituating herself on the couch.
"Okay, so, um, I'm just gonna start if that's okay," Jane said.
"Of course, Jane," Maura replied.
"So, like I said, I have a list of things I want to tell you, but there's one specific reason that I really wanted to talk to you now," Jane continued shakily, staring unseeingly at the paper in her hands. "It's a big request, so it's really okay if you want to say no. Please don't feel like you…"
"Jane, just ask me," Maura interrupted gently.
Jane glanced at Maura before dropping her gaze back to her hands. "I, um, so I was hoping…" Jane paused. "Okay, so, I've spent quite a bit of time discussing the birth in therapy. I mean, there's a lot of different…it's…I…I know I can't plan for everything, and obviously, it's a lot more complicated emotionally than a more…well, it's complicated. Anyway, I, um, uh, would you…do you think…"
"Jane," Maura prompted as kindly as possible.
"Would you be willing to be there with me when I give birth?" Jane said all in one breath.
Maura didn't know what she had been expecting, but it wasn't that. "Wait, really?" she said, trying to keep the excitement from her voice. She knew that this was considerably more emotionally difficult than the birth of a child conceived through consensual sex, but her desire to be there for Jane, to be there to meet the baby…that was as simple as it came.
Jane chuckled. Clearly Maura hadn't exactly been successful in hiding her excitement, but it didn't matter because that was what Jane actually needed.
"Yeah, I mean, only if you want, and I get that you might be busy," Jane hedged.
"Yes, Jane, of course I will be there with you," Maura said quickly. "I would be honored."
Jane smiled, but there was still a hint of fear on her face. "Thank you," she replied, "but there are a couple more things you should know before you agree."
"Jane, there's nothing you could say that would make me not want to support you, and there's nothing you could say that would make me not want to be there to meet your daughter," Maura said.
Jane nodded, and Maura saw the tears starting to fall. Maura scooched closer to Jane on the couch. She started to reach out before pausing. "Jane, how do you feel about physical contact?" she asked gently. "I want to comfort you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable…"
Before Maura could say anything else, Jane collapsed into her arms. Maura wrapped her arms tightly around Jane and pulled her as close to her body as possible. Maura rubbed comforting patterns on Jane's back as Jane shook and sobbed in her arms. Maura's embrace must have started to loosen with time, and eventually, Jane choked out through her tears, "Tighter."
Maura immediately redoubled her grip on her friend, trying to pull her impossibly closer. They sat like that, together on the couch, for nearly thirty minutes. Maura's back and arms were getting sore from the awkward position, but there was nothing that was going to make her let go first.
Eventually, Jane shifted. She moved to curl against Maura's side, but her face was no longer buried against Maura's chest. Maura ran her fingers through Jane's hair, pushing her curls away from her face. She continued stroking Jane's hair with her fingers while her other arm retained a tight grip on Jane's shoulders.
"Damn it, I really hate when other people are right," Jane quipped after a while. Her voice was still thick from crying, but there was a hint of laughter in her voice. Her face was still wet, but her tears had slowed.
"What?" Maura asked in surprise.
"My therapist has been trying to convince me for months that consensual physical touch is essential," Jane explained. "I told her I didn't need it. I never liked to be held or hugged, even as a kid. But I needed this."
"Jane," Maura said thickly, wrapping her arms tighter around her friend. "I've wanted to give you a hug since the second I saw you this afternoon, but I wasn't sure…I would never, ever want to do something that you didn't want."
"I know that, Maura," Jane said.
"But any time you want a hug or to be held, I'm here," Maura replied.
"You live in a different state," Jane mumbled into Maura's shoulder.
Maura closed her eyes and held onto Jane. She wanted to tell Jane that she would move here…wherever here was – she still didn't know exactly where Jane lived. But she was pretty sure that was weird…and overbearing. She could handle weird, but she wasn't willing to drive Jane away by being overbearing again. Instead, she settled with, "I'd do anything for you, Jane."
"Maybe I should continue with my list," Jane said vaguely as she pushed herself back into a sitting position.
Maura nodded, even though Jane wasn't looking at her directly.
However, Jane seemed to get lost in thought as she once again fiddled with the paper in her hand.
"Jane?" Maura tried.
"Just read it," Jane said as she shoved the crumpled paper into Maura's hands before standing up (somewhat awkwardly given her baby bump).
Maura glanced down before looking at Jane. "Jane, you don't have to…" she started.
"I need you to know," Jane said without looking at Maura. "I can't leave here without you knowing. I just…I can't. It's a letter. I wrote it to remind myself. Please, just read it – all of it – before you say anything else."
"Are you sure?" Maura asked.
"Please?" Jane pleaded, finally turning to look at Maura, and the desperation in Jane's eyes is what finally convinced Maura. Maura nodded and started reading.
Dear Maura,
I know things have changed…for both of us…between both of us…but one thing hasn't changed, and that's how important you are to me. Everything that has happened has only made that clearer to me. I left everything behind when I left Boston, and yes, I miss my family and my friends, but I don't miss them the way I miss you. I don't need them the way I need you.
If you're reading this, you now know that I'm pregnant. The truth is, I'm terrified. I already love this baby, but I don't know if I can be the kind of mother she deserves. And that's just the fear that I can bare to write on paper…the rest, well, depending on how you react to this letter, I guess I'll probably share with you over time.
I've spent session after session after session with my therapist trying to figure out what kinds of supports I can put in place before she is born to "set myself up for success." And I realized (relatively quickly even if it took me weeks to admit it out loud) that what I really need is you.
I'm not asking you to give up your life for me…for us. I could never ask that of you. However, if you are willing, I would really like for you to be present for her birth. Would you be willing to do that?
Also, could we start to talk again? Maybe on the phone or FaceTime? Like I said, I don't want to ask too much of you, but maybe we can talk about what you're comfortable with.
However, before you agree, there's something you need to know. It might change everything. Okay, well, I know everything has already changed. But I guess this could change things more…or again…or I don't know. I'm stalling now.
First, though, you should know that this isn't new. This isn't just a reaction to what's happened. I felt this way long before everything happened, but I couldn't tell you because I wasn't willing to risk our friendship. I don't want to lose your friendship now any more than I did then, but this is no longer just about me. Still, maybe I should have told you years ago…I guess I'll never really know.
Okay, here goes…I love you, Maura. And I don't mean that I love you as my best friend. I mean I'm in love with you. And not just a little bit. I'm so in love with you that it drives me crazy…you drive me crazy…in the best way possible.
I know you probably don't feel the same, and that's okay. I'm not asking you for anything in that regard, especially now. At this point, I'm too broken for anything anyway.
You're probably wondering why I'm telling you this now. Well, I've realized that you deserve to have all of the information before you decide how you want to be a part of my life and my daughter's life. We can talk about what this means. I know that I'm usually terrible at talking about the important stuff, but I've thought about this a lot. I want and need for you to know the full truth. You deserve it. We both deserve it.
Please know that no matter what you decide, I will forever be grateful for you. Even if you didn't know it, I truly believe that you're the reason I've survived the past seven months, and I can never thank you enough for that.
I love you, Maura Isles.
Love, Jane
"Jane?" Maura whispered. She hadn't even realized that tears were pouring thick and fast down her cheeks.
Jane didn't move from her spot in front of the window, so Maura stood up slowly. She moved to stand next to Jane, making sure to approach in a way that Jane could see her out of her peripheral vision.
"Jane?" Maura tried again.
Jane turned quickly. "I'm not asking you to feel the same way," she said through her own tears. "I…"
"I love you, too, Jane," Maura said. "I have for a long time, but I thought…I didn't think…I didn't think you felt the same way."
"I can't give you anything," Jane said sadly.
"I'm not asking for anything," Maura replied.
"No, I mean…what I mean is that even though I'm in love with you, I can't…I can't date you. I can't be in a relationship with you. I can't be more than friends. I can't give you what you need…what you deserve…and I don't think I'll ever be able to," Jane said. "I'm so sorry, Maura."