Chapter 2: Hand holding
Jane let out a shaky breath when Maura stepped aside to let her in. It's not that she had expected Maura to shut the door in her face; it was more so that she felt she deserved to have Maura shut the door in her face.
"I was just about to make tea," Maura said quietly. "Would you like some?"
"Yes, please," Jane replied, her voice laced with relief.
Jane sat in the same seat at the island that she had sat in that morning for breakfast. Both of them remained silent as Maura set the kettle on the stove before pulling down mugs and her selection of tea.
"Let's sit on the couch," Maura said quietly as she handed Jane her mug.
"Yeah," Jane whispered in response, following Maura.
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. Neither woman knew what to say or where to start, but Jane figured that since she was the one who had screwed up and she was the one who had come back, it was probably on her to talk first.
"I'm really sorry, Maura," Jane said quietly, staring at the tea in her hands. "I know this isn't fair to you."
"I guess I just don't understand," Maura said quietly. "I don't understand why you didn't say anything earlier – and don't say it's because you were a coward because that's not an explanation," Maura added with more force.
Jane sighed. It was a fair question, even if she didn't want to answer. "Okay, but I am a coward," she said. "I'm terrible at relationships. That's not news to you. I was terrified of losing you. I was afraid of messing up the best relationship I've ever had. I was scared that I would hurt you…more than I already have. I've basically lived in this weird cycle for years where I try to figure out how you feel. Then, I decide I'm going to say something, so I spend weeks trying to work up the courage and finding the perfect time to talk to you. Then, I do something stupid that makes you mad at me, and I realize again that if we were together, I would have more chances to do something stupid, something that ruins everything, something that would hurt you."
"Did it ever occur to you that your hot and cold cycles were hurting me? Or that your silence was hurting me?" Maura asked softly.
"I…" Jane started before pausing with a frown. "I didn't think of that," she admitted softly. "I never wanted to hurt you, Maura."
"I know, Jane," Maura said. "But you have to realize that you have made my life better in so many more ways and so many more times than you've hurt me." Maura stared past Jane, tears clouding her eyes. "I was just confused because sometimes it felt like maybe you returned my feelings, but other times it…didn't. I've never been good at understanding people's intentions. I've gotten better since you came into my life, but I still don't always trust my interpretations. Plus, I've never had a best friend before you, so I wasn't sure where the best friend behavior ended and the something more behavior started."
"To be fair, when it comes to the two of us, I'm not sure anyone knows where that line is," Jane quipped, drawing a sad smile from Maura. Jane scooted closer to Maura on the couch. "But I'm sorry, Maura. I never meant to jerk you around."
"Do you still think a romantic relationship is a bad idea?" Maura asked nervously.
"I'm still scared of messing everything up," Jane admitted. "But at this point, it feels like a worse idea to keep fighting it."
"I think we're both at fault for taking so long to get here," Maura said. "But you had to know that moving away would hurt me. I can understand maintaining the comfort of our friendship. I can understand not wanting to risk what we had by admitting you wanted more. But if that's the case, then I don't understand why you'd move so far away. You had to know that doing so would risk what we had. Even if we are able to maintain our friendship, it would never be the same."
"I meant it when I said I was wrong in doing so," Jane said. "But I guess it was a mixture of running away from my fears, hoping it might give both of us a chance to move on, and also liking the job opportunity."
Maura rubbed her face with her hands. Jane could see the frustration in her friend's posture and mannerisms.
"Maura, I'm willing to do anything to fix what I've broken because I mean it, no job is worth the look on your face the last 24 hours," Jane said, desperation breaking through her voice.
"You have to go to Virginia, Jane," Maura said, and Jane's heart sank.
"Maura…" Jane tried to interrupt.
But Maura stopped her, "No, listen to me, Jane. You've already made a commitment. If I thought that you really didn't want it, then we could have that conversation, but that's not the case. You have to follow through. Besides the principle of it all, you don't want to burn bridges with the FBI."
"But…" Jane tried again, this time with tears in her eyes.
"But that doesn't mean we can't make this work," Maura finished her sentence. Jane's eyes flew to meet Maura's as hope spread through her chest. Maura smiled, easily reading Jane's reaction despite her earlier claims to still struggle with reading people.
"Jane, I'm tired of fighting this too," Maura continued. "I want more. I want…I want to date you, and I want to figure out our future, together."
"I want that, too," Jane said, leaning forward and pulling Maura into a hug. Maura returned her embrace.
When they separated, they sat much closer to each other than before. "There's something I hadn't told you yet," Maura said softly.
Jane turned to look at Maura. She watched her friend fidget with her ring for a few minutes before bumping her shoulder with her own in an attempt to prompt Maura to continue.
"I have been seriously considering not returning to the medical examiner's office," Maura admitted, not looking up from her hands.
"What?" Jane said in surprise.
"I wasn't sure if I could just go back to work like nothing was different," Maura said. "It's not that I couldn't do my job without you. I just didn't really want to. Besides, there's not much more I can do in my current position. I've risen as high as I can, I've improved the statewide system to the best of my abilities, and I've closed more cases than any of my predecessors. I wasn't going to make an official decision until I finished and submitted the full draft of my novel, but to be honest, I've been pretty sure of my decision for a while now."
"You weren't going to go back?" Jane said in disbelief.
"Probably not," Maura replied.
"What were you going to do next? Jane asked.
"Besides finishing my book?"
"Yeah," Jane said.
"I'd considered a number of options. I've really enjoyed writing, so there's always the hope that my book does well, and I'm asked to write another," Maura said. "I also like the idea of increasing my volunteer hours at Hope's clinic. I planned to travel more. I don't know," Maura finished with a shrug.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Jane asked.
"I didn't want you to be disappointed in me," Maura replied thickly.
"Oh, Maura. I could never be disappointed in you, especially not for choosing to do something that makes you happy," Jane said kindly, wrapping her arms around Maura in a sideways hug.
Maura leaned her head on Jane's shoulder.
"Soooo," Jane started, dragging out the word. "Are we dating now?"
Maura laughed brightly. She drew her feet up onto the couch and tucked them under her body as she snuggled against Jane's side. "I would like that very much," Maura replied, and she felt a happiness that she hadn't felt in a long time flood her body as Jane wrapped her arm around her and pulled her impossibly closer. "How would you feel if I moved to Virginia?" Maura asked.
"I would like that very much," Jane echoed Maura's words, happiness evident in her voice. "I love you so much." Jane kissed the side of Maura's head.
Maura squeezed Jane's knee in response. "I love you, too," she said. "How's this for a plan? Let's go to bed. It's been a long day for both of us, and I for one am emotionally exhausted. Today is Monday. You have to be in Quantico before Friday. We can talk tomorrow to figure out our next steps. Then, we can drive together to Virginia on Wednesday. I'll have to return to Boston soon before I can officially move to Virginia, but we can figure out the exact dates tomorrow."
"This is not how I expected today to end," Jane replied.
Maura laughed lightly, pushing herself out of her comfortable position on the couch. She stood up and face Jane, holding out her hand to help Jane up. "Let's go to bed, detective," she said.
Jane raised her eyebrow in response. "I'm not a detective anymore," she teased, but she took Maura's hand anyway.
"You'll always be my detective," Maura replied.
"I like the sound of that," Jane said. "I gotta grab my bag from my car."
"Okay, I'll meet you upstairs," Maura replied.
Fifteen minutes later, they both climbed into Maura's bed, meeting in the middle facing each other.
Maura reached out and took Jane's hand in her own, linking their fingers together. "Thank you for coming back," she whispered.
"Thank you for not slamming the door in my face," Jane replied with a smirk.
Maura chuckled. "I was never going to slam the door in your face," she said. "Ignoring the doorbell was more likely."
"You're too polite to ignore the doorbell," Jane teased. "Plus, I have a key."
"Why didn't you use it?" Maura asked, realizing for the first time that Jane hadn't just walked in like she normally would.
Jane shrugged without letting go of Maura's hand. "It didn't feel right given the situation, but I woulda if you didn't answer, mostly because I would have been afraid something was wrong," she admitted.
Maura squeezed Jane's hand to acknowledge her statement, but instead of responding, she said, "Good night, Jane. I love you."
"Night, Maur," Jane replied, her eyes already getting heavy. "I love you, too."
And both of them were sound asleep within seconds, still holding hands.
A/N: I don't remember who came up with the line "You'll always be my detective" first, but it wasn't me. I probably read it more than once because it seems very Rizzles, lol, but if I owe you credit, let me know!
Also, sorry you didn't get their first kiss. They're moving a little more slowly than in some of my stories, but you won't have to wait long to get there.