RPOV
It's early, not 7 am early but 4 pm early, and I am two seconds away from bursting out of my skin in excitement. All he'd told me is to dress warm and I'm willing to bet we aren't hiking. I'd listened to his instruction but I'd also dressed nice. I've put on one of my new skirts, tights, tucked in my cream jumper and pulled on my lace-up boots.
I regard the shimmery eye-shadow and will it not to betray me as I swirl my finger over it. I sweep it lightly over my eyes like Natalie had shown me and then concentrate very hard on the mascara. I beam at the effect in the mirror. Natalie would be proud.
I own two lip glosses. A clear marshmallow flavoured one that makes my lips tingle and a reddy tinted one called watermelon crush from Halloween. I choose the latter because it's lighter on my lips and doesn't feel like I'm wearing anything.
4:20pm.
I pull my braid forward and twirl the dark tendril that's loose by my cheek around my finger.
I look nice.
I turn out the bathroom light and pad back out to my bedroom where my coat, scarf, and hat are laid out. I pull on my coat, check the mirror again, grab my tote and step out into the hall.
The smell of coffee hangs in the air and I try and school my face as I descend the stairs. But then I don't have to try as Spiridon's voice comes out of the kitchen. Why is he even awake?
"Why can't she just order online like everybody else?"
I round into the kitchen. "Is she, me?"
Spiridon grins at me from the island. He mustn't be awake long as his blonde hair is fluffy and ruffled, not in its regimented style. Dimitri leans against the counter arms crossed holding coffee and excitement surges through my stomach. He's all in black – black cable knit, black jeans, black boots and he's wearing his long coat already.
"She, it, her, brat. Usually all you." Spiridon says, fingers tapping on his mug. "You know it's going to be busy? Like wall-to-wall bodies but I mean, if Dimitri puts you on his shoulders you might be alright."
The mall and the feel of people tumbling past me flashes in my mind and how I had to cling to Ben's arm. I push it away.
"It's not the same shopping online, it's only good when you know what you're looking for." I argue.
"You already gave Natalie and Lissa their stuff. Who else do you have left to buy for, honestly?"
"Ben, Victor, Adrian, and you. But if I don't find something for everyone...oh well." I lie with a smile. I'd already gotten them all their presents, even Ben's onesie.
His grey eyes spark. "Adrian?"
"Yeah, he's my friend." A friend who still hasn't bothered to contact me or indicate when he's going to tell Lissa, which leaves me in this icky place where I'm lying to her every day.
Spiridon hums. "Get Adrian some mistletoe. He'll love it."
I frown. "What?"
I'd gotten him an expensive scarf so he didn't have to steal Andre's.
Ceramic meets marble as Dimitri sets his mug down. "Shall we go, Rose? We can get ahead of the rush."
My gaze breaks away from Spiridon's as I bite back my retort. "Yeah, I'm ready."
"No drama, no fires, no S.O.S calls please." Spiridon says, walking us out so he can lock up. "My days already looking dire with these constant security updates and Natalie will likely be messaging within the hour asking me to bring half her bedroom."
"Awww." I coo. "Life's so hard."
Dimitri chuckles and I smirk. He pulls the door open for me and the cold is like an assault.
"Whatever, see you in the AM." Spiridon says, closing the door behind us.
I lead the way to the SUV aware of him behind me and painfully even more aware that I can't do anything about it yet. I have to suppress the natural instinct to reach back for his hand or jump up to wrap my arms around his neck and secure my knees to his hips. I'd been suppressing all week but only for a few more minutes, then we'd be able to stop lying.
The car beeps and I pull myself up into the passenger seat, placing my bag at my feet and shoving my gloves and hat inside it. I fuss with pulling on my seatbelt as he climbs in and as we peel out of the drive I keep my eyes averted to the outside. The snow had fallen so much heavier and I know the boys had been shovelling it out from the drive, huge mounds of it are like white bumpers lining the road.
When we pull into the open road I exhale, feeling the lie peeling back every inch we eat up the road.
The car coasts into the road shoulder and stops. I turn to him.
"Hi."
"Hello."
My face splits into the smile I've held back whenever I've been around him this week. His expression tells me the same thing and we reach for each other at the same time. A satisfied hum comes from low in his throat and my smile breaks our kiss.
"Your hairs down." I comment, running an appreciative hand over it.
"I've lost all my ties." He says, fingers running over my braid. It's probably his I've used to secure it.
"Aw." I croon again.
He chuckles, dark eyes tracing over my face like he's absorbing every detail.
"You look beautiful." He murmurs and presses his lips to my cheek.
I lean into his touch. "Thank you."
He kisses me again, light and sweet and we could spend all night here, in the car, just like this and I'd be happy.
He draws back to start up the car and when we're back on the road, driving away from everyone.
'A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, A man undercover but you tore me apart, Ooh, ooh, now I've found a real love, You'll never fool me again…'
Dimitri hums under his breath and I smile, glancing between his content face concentrating on the road and his hand on my thigh. I place mine on the back of his and he squeezes, fingers sliding between my knees – completely innocently but heat flashes up my spine anyway.
The past week has been one strange blur. I'm slowly realising I could finally be myself without consequences and that there should never have been any to begin with. I can feel, think and express myself and I should never have to create that dark space within myself to sink into, to wrap around me, to suffocate inside so I wouldn't be punished, so I could follow rules that should never have been set out for me.
The body I'd been nourishing these past months and growing – I'd finally let the fire grow inside it. The fire that isn't just anger but confidence, passion, humour, courage, boldness, sarcasm, and… love. I have unleashed the parts of me that had been coming out in little bursts. Confiding in Lissa and Natalie made me feel more solid instead of being half a person with them.
I can be angry without fear of showing it. I can be angry and know that I am right to be. I can be sarcastic and borderline mean to Spiridon without thinking it might be the last thing I say. I can laugh loudly with Ben and lie around on the couch with him without feeling ungrateful and lazy. I can sweat, run and lift heavy things all for myself, and not because it's work to be done. I can lie beside Dimitri and feel safe. I can tell him every thought in my head and he won't roll his eyes or tell me to be quiet because none of it mattered, that dreaming and wishing wouldn't get me anywhere.
I can be myself and I refuse to be anything else.
I'd found my confidence and embraced my body, claimed it, took control of it, and felt how it could influence. I could influence him, affect him and it was this wonderful experience. It wasn't a power struggle or something that would free fall to places I wasn't sure of. He knew my boundaries and respected them. There's this shared control that doesn't feel like something I have to hold in a death grip with a fear that it will be ripped from me.
It's freeing. It's natural. He's for me.
That bond that had started as a delicate strand in the woods had woven into something stronger these past months now it burns iridescent... like starlight.
The night I'd lain beside him with damp hair, naked, he'd held me until the last second. I'd been in his arms laughing and telling him things, stupid things, and not so stupid things. He'd smiled at me, eyes intent, listening, and that look will be ingrained in my heart forever. I might not know a lot of things but I know the importance of someone looking at you like that like they're really seeing you.
He'd told me things too, about the red zones, a little about St. Basil's, and things he and Spiridon had gotten in trouble for. Sometimes it wasn't for fighting each other but trying to best each other in pranks, the teachers bearing the fall out of it.
However, all these new revelations and things I was embracing meant it had been so much harder to lie.
I had to stop myself from reaching for him and if I didn't catch myself in time I had to redirect at the last minute to pick up something and pretend to inspect it. Ben had looked at me like I was insane when I grabbed a salt shaker and muttered 'ah yes' to myself.
Dimitri was struggling too. I'd caught Spiridon staring at him, looking utterly perplexed when he'd been pouring over documents at the table humming a Christmas song, and then he'd joked with Ben, properly engaging instead of observing with a placating smile. Spiridon had asked him if he'd been drinking.
It wasn't just us acting differently though, the entire dynamic of the house was shifting. I would only catch glimpses of Victor now as he'd withdrawn more into his study, choosing to take his meals and coffees there. From what I'd gathered the Heads had left the school and their decision was pending and Spiridon said the impending meeting with Zmey was weighing on him too.
Natalie still wasn't talking to him.
But despite all this, I think it's more. I think that the morning after Thanksgiving when he'd talked of the contracts, the ties, and the expectations, lines had been drawn between him and us. 'They come first' is written between those lines and the smokescreen of this house being better, being controversial in its structure, has cleared.
Things being better than the utmost evil didn't mean they were good.
Ben is acting differently too. The lightness in his attitude and demeanour had become heavier, there were smudges under his eyes and he was constantly running his hand through his hair. He tried to hide it, still joking and smiling when he knew you were paying attention. I feel terrible for him and how worried he is but I don't know what to say. It's not right to tell people things will be okay when you don't know that, it's careless and stupid. So I did my best to do things to cheer him up and distract him by making him cook with me, watch movies or run through more blocks. He never once seemed irritated by my persistence but rather glad and it meant I got extra training out of it too.
Dimitri lifts my hand to his lips as we stop at a red light and I remind myself there is a time and place for cravings. A moving car is not one of them.
It had been even harder to control ourselves when we were alone. He still had work to concentrate on and because things had changed, because the cravings were so intense now we knew what they could create, it had been smarter for him to not sleep in my bed every night. I'd never call me and Dimitri loud people, generally, but when we were alone like that… we had to behave and keep our clothes on and hands to ourselves.
Thinking of the opposite has tingles running over my sides and spine. I curl my fingers into his as the car moves forward again, becoming giddy as our destination gets closer.
Tonight there's no need to hide, lie, conceal, redirect, suppress, or pretend. We've been driving for over an hour and I still don't know where we're going or what he has planned but I don't care.
"Can I have a clue?" I ask, already knowing the response I'm going to get.
"Patience." He chides and I giggle.
My phone vibrates and I unlock the screen to a photo of Natalie and Lissa getting ready. Lissa has her hair perfectly curled and the sides pinned back whilst Natalie's is pulled up with loose bits around her face.
'Work in progress. Miss you xxxxx'
I grin at it and take my hand out of Dimitri's to reply. His thumb circles the black material of my tights until I send my response and retake it. My gold bracelet winks up at me.
"They're getting ready." I tell him. "They're both going to look amazing."
"I'm sure they will. Are you sure you don't mind missing out?"
I grip his hand and stare at the side of his face. He's so handsome it hurts, it actually hurts. "I'm more than happy."
'This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Special...'
Over an hour later and nearly through the Christmas playlist Lissa had made the road is even busier with buildings lining them and my breath fogs up the window as I try to drink it in. Christmas decorations are everywhere, multi-coloured lights glowing at every turn like bizarre colourful stars in the night sky.
Dimitri pulls into a spot that had just been vacated and cuts the engine. The sidewalk is busy with human shoppers, children running between their parents, and teenagers with linked arms. He squeezes my thigh.
"Are you okay?" It's not like the Mall. The Mall was a compressed space and he's with me. I nod. "You'll tell me if that changes?"
I'd told him how all those bodies pressing around me had made me feel. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm excited."
"Good, me too." He smiles and it chases out the apprehension.
He gets out and I reach down for my bag. Before I can do it myself my door opens and he's holding out his hand. I don't know why it makes me feel shy but it does. I take it and hop out onto the road, the cold night air kissing my cheeks as his warm hand leads me to the pavement. I'd refused to wear gloves, arguing he could keep my hands warms. I'd lost on the scarf though.
We're holding hands, in the open, and we don't have to lie. I squeeze his fingers and lean into his arm. He squeezes back.
The atmosphere of Friendsmas has spilled into this street. It's everywhere and I drink it all in as we walk, not paying attention to where he's leading me until I realise more people are on the road than on the pavement and the traffic is behind us. We follow a crowd into what I thought would be a wide street and then stop short.
It's like Natalie had been given free rein to decorate and she'd done it with every drop of enthusiasm she possessed. Lights are strung from one side of the street to the other, an intricate net of luminous reds, greens, golds, and blues that ripple against the night sky, crown jewels on black silk. My head is tilted back unable to away from the lights moving in their wave sequence, guiding us toward something amazing. I can feel that touch of magic in my bones again. Our living room was a pocket of it but this, I feel like this is going to be Magic blown open.
A child laughs from her fathers' shoulders and draws my eyes back down, surprised to be moving with the wave of people, so freely and inside an incandescent dream. The child points to animals shaped from lights, stags I realise, with stars hanging from their antlers. Everywhere, everything, is glowing against the ground that's slick and black in the places it's not powdered in snow.
Ahead I can see where the lit path above us comes to an end. I smile up at Dimitri, already knowing I'm going to love what's waiting for us, loving that he's brought me here, loving that I'm with him and we're together without a thought or care to anything or anyone else. He smiles back at me and lifts our clasped hands to kiss my knuckles.
Then we pass out from under the glowing blanket and I've stepped inside somewhere I thought I would only see on a screen or painted to me inside a book, never tangible, never real, never for me to have.
More lights are strung up and cascade down above in a zigzagging manner and there's a sleigh, a real-life huge sleigh, and a family are climbing in to get their photo taken. There are small cabins lined up and all seem to be selling different things, baubles or stocking decorating their windows. Warm, savoury, spicy, and sweet smells carry on the frosty air. There's so much excited chatter and laughter, people sharing food, taking brown wrapped packages from servers behind the counters. There's music coming from somewhere, wisps of tunes and words I've heard before, sang with my friends, and heard Dimitri hum in the kitchen.
Every sense I possess is engulfed.
I realise people are weaving around us as I've been planted in the same spot for minutes.
I turn to him and he's watching me like he had on that mountainside. "Where are we?"
He steps closer to me and tucks my hair behind my ear. "A Christmas market. I thought we could look around and then maybe grab something to eat." I stare at him at a complete loss for words and once again he takes my silence for apprehension. "If it's too much we can leave."
I pull him down to me by his scarf, a short laugh leaving me at his noise of surprise, and kiss him.
"I love it. I really do. Thank you. Can we go in now?" I don't give him time to respond, the shock giving way to adrenaline. I dart forward, nearly slipping as the weight of him resists for a split second, but then I'm dragging him along. When I glance back he's smiling.
The first few stalls are food from different countries – Germany, Hungary, and the Netherlands. Large hot dogs, stew, and baby pancakes dusted in sugar. There are burgers with weird meats besides beef and chicken. There are candy stalls with rows and rows of multi-coloured jewels and Dimitri tugs me away, saying we should do a lap first before deciding. A lap wouldn't change my mind. Huts are selling spiced wine, sweetened cider, coffee, tea, and alcohol from different countries. We browse until the warm smell of chocolate hits me in the face and we both exchange a look. We follow our noses and find a stand offering Belgium chocolates, all different flavours, and concoctions that you can make up in a different sized box. They also do decadent hot chocolates infused with different flavours, alcoholic ones too – peppermint or with something called Baileys.
"What would you like?" He asks, silently agreeing that there's no way we can move past this one.
"I said I'd pay next time."
He hums. "I know and I appreciate that but I don't think they're going to serve you without ID."
I blink."Why? What are you ordering?"
The people being served move away and the woman behind the counter looks at us expectantly. Dimitri steps forward and I'm out of time to argue. He orders a Baileys hot chocolate and turns to me. I ask for peppermint, expecting him to give me a look that says 'nice try' but he orders it.
I suppose it's not going to be like Natalie's ridiculous measures and with my metabolism, it'll hardly affect me. That's probably why he didn't object. My gaze roams over all the chocolates, so many different flavours and the warm smell contrasting with the night's chill is filling up my head.
"Roza, do you want anything else?" His voice is a promise to grant every wish, and that's dangerous for his bank account and my stomach.
I open my mouth and then let out a small laugh. "Everything? I want everything."
"That's fine by me." The woman grins.
"I do plan on giving her that." Dimitri grins, surprising me. He's different here away from everyone. I watch his easy back and forth with the woman and I realise how much of himself he keeps hidden away.
My eyes skip the price list behind her and I almost choke.
"Maybe, could we get your most popular ones to try first?" I pipe up, worried the first stand will wipe out the contents of his wallet before we've even looked around properly.
Who knew what other treasures are here?
"Ah, good idea. Then you can come back and buy out all your favourites." She grins.
"Exactly." I reply.
"Right, most popular. Any allergies?" She asks, pulling on fresh plastic gloves.
We end up with a box of eight and we halve each to try, some have fillings so it gets a little messy, and when a string of caramel drips over my finger he brings it to his mouth and sucks it off, causing my heart to go into palpitations and other sensations to light up. Especially as he holds my eye when he does it and smirks at my dumbfounded expression.
I will my voice to be steady. "Well, that reminds me of something.'
His head falls back as he laughs and I pop my chocolate into my mouth, pleased with myself.
My favourite is the chocolate truffle with its different layers and his is the caramel. I make a plan to go back and get him one of the bigger boxes but I'll have to do it alone somehow.
My hands are kept toasty by my drink and the other by his as we move along at a leisurely pace. The adrenaline is thrumming through me but if I move too quickly I won't be able to take it all in. I feel ready to ping from one stand to the next and the only thing keeping me calm is his hold.
He lets me taste his hot chocolate and chuckles at my conflicted face, telling me it's a combination of whiskey and cream. Peppermint is better, way better.
Stands are selling customized baubles, carved wooden figures, and crystal figurines. There are coats, hats, and scarves being knitted behind the stand as a man talks to customers. More food, a bigger tent selling German beer, and an area with picnic tables set out. There's a short queue for a booth that people disappear into, flashing coming from behind the curtain, when they emerge they collect what looks to be photos. We follow the path that loops back instead of following the current of people heading toward a giant Christmas tree planted behind the stalls and where music is coming from. My stomach has well and truly woken up.
"What would you like first?" He asks.
"I want everything. I want too much." I admit again salivating as my eyes darting from one stall to the next.
"So let's try everything." He replies, tugging me toward the very first cabin.
"Doesn't this go against your whole 'you should be eating a nutritious breakfast'?" I grin.
"I'm not your trainer today." He says and I wonder what he is then. Ally? Yes. My trainer? Yes. For me? Yes.
It doesn't exactly summarise it though so – "But tomorrow I'll be sure to remind you. Maybe broccoli and egg whites for breakfast."
I gag and he chuckles.
We share a bratwurst, sweet potato fries, and goulash. He says it's the oddest picnic he's ever had after I bite his head off for taking out his wallet again, causing the man behind the counter to laugh.
We come back to the stand selling ornaments and figurines and I can't decide between a snow globe or a bauble. I already had a bauble that celebrated Friendsmas but this one had a painted scene of the market on a white ceramic surface. The snow globe is of Montana, the town covered in snow and expertly painted golden dots to show the lights, the mountains detailed behind the scene. The snow globe's so expensive so, in the end, I choose the bauble.
I take the carrier bag from the girl and spy the chocolate stand a little bit away.
I turn to Dimitri. "I need five minutes alone."
He raises an eyebrow as his hair is pulled in a short burst of icy wind. "Bored of me already?"
I sigh dramatically. "I've grown used to you by now."
He smiles but it's tight as his gaze casts around at the people filing by, suspicion pinching his face for the first time in hours. "Five minutes?"
"Five minutes. I'll not move from this area."
"Three."
"Five."
He looks at me for a beat and then nods. "I won't be far."
"If I need you I'll scream." His eyes dart to mine and I add quickly. "That was a joke."
His face is slipping into that unreadable mask. "Five minutes, Roza."
I roll my eyes and suddenly he dips his head to kiss me, here, in the open, in front of people and it's...freeing. I start to smile and he kisses me again before stepping away.
"The clocks started."
I wait until he's disappeared ahead and rush over to the queue, bouncing on the balls of my feet. By the time it's my turn I've been able to decide on the box size and flavours. I order and hand over the money. It's as nearly as much as I spent at the Mall on my candy but selfishly I figure he'll let me have some. They wrap it up fancy, the woman smiling and wishing me a happy Christmas.
I just have enough time to slide the box into my carrier bag and move away from the stand before he appears at my shoulder.
I move the bag behind my legs. "Hi."
Flakes of snow are clinging to his hair and I watch his expression soften, thaw, back to my Dimitri. "Hello."
I reach up on tiptoe and he meets me halfway, taking my free hand. He probably knows or suspects what I've done but it wouldn't be the same if he were standing there.
"Where to now?" He murmurs.
"Candy." I say brightly.
He shakes his head. "Of course."
"You're not my trainer today." I remind him, tugging him along.
"No, I'm not."
We stroll hand in hand back around the stalls, picking up a bag of candy for me and finding more things set up away from the huts selling food. There are stands under protective cover from the snow selling books, leather notebooks, records, and more crafts. We rifle through the books that show signs of being loved with their cracked covers and spines, read so many times they're close to falling apart. I pick up a few and then my fingers pause in their prying. I blink, turn it over to inspect the back, and glance down the row to where Dimitri is studying a book intently, then stuff it at the bottom of my pile.
I skirt around the displays and hand my treasures over to the woman behind a table. There's an open box of money beside her that she doesn't seem to care about keeping an eye on. She barely glances at me before giving me the price. Four books are cheaper than one of the hot chocolates and that doesn't make sense. I ask her if she's sure and she doesn't look up from her phone as she 'yup's, emphasising the 'p'.
I feel the heat of him brush my shoulder before he kisses my head. "You found something you liked?"
I tilt my head back. "Yeah, and they're so cheap! I had to double-check with...the lady."
The lady who is now staring at Dimitri with pink cheeks. "Uh, yeah, everything goes to charity so everything's been donated."
Dimitri sets down his books for pricing and she's keen to flip them over in her hands in interest. She hadn't even touched mine.
"What charity is it?" He asks taking out his wallet and I frown at it. I could buy us three times as many books with these prices and not worry about money but I doubt he'll let me.
"It's for the kids in hospital to get toys from Santa. There's a woman group called 'Eleithyia' that runs it. They're set up by the main Christmas tree too."
"The money for the books pay for children to get Christmas presents?" I ask. Reluctantly she nods to me before turning back to Dimitri with a bright smile and telling him what he owes.
I grab his wrist. "Let me pay."
"Roza -"
"No, please. Let me pay." He searches my face and I know he knows this is more than just handing over bits of paper. I could give something to children, sick children, to make them happier, to make sure they got something for themselves that I had never gotten. Something to make them feel cared for and special, that there can be good when things are bad.
Dimitri's expression is tender and finally, he nods.
I dig out my wallet again and hand over one of the bigger notes I have. She starts going through the money box beside her, one she should really be more protective over, and starts counting out change.
"No, no it's fine. Keep it."
She blinks at me. "Uh, what?"
"The more money you have the more you can buy them."
Dimitri pulls a note out from his wallet and holds it out to her too. "My nephew likes those talking animals that magnetically connect."
Dumbly she takes it from him. "You guys...should go lift more books."
I smile and relax. "I got what I needed, thank you."
"Yes, thank you." Dimitri murmurs, starting to gather his books and she starts fussing with a bag.
"No, you guys just gave hundred dollars for five ratty books. Go pick more." She says.
I thank her again and she smiles at Dimitri. "You're welcome."
I slide my hand into his. "Let's get everyone a book for Christmas. I think I saw '100 ways to compliment people' that would be good for Spiridon."
Dimitri chuckles and I lead the way back around the stands. We pick up a few more and wave to the girl before we step back out and she waves enthusiastically back, not looking at me.
"I think someone likes you." I tell him.
"Who?" He asks, drawing me into his side and pulling my hood up. The snow had gotten heavier.
I snort. "Don't play stupid. She liked you."
"I didn't notice."
I roll my eyes. "She liked you."
He brings us to a stop and suddenly I'm off my feet, my knees finding purchase on his waist, my bags bashing into his arm and for once I'm level with his eyeline.
"What-"
His hand curls around the back of my head and pulls my mouth to his. He kisses me in the middle of a stream of people, under stringed fairy lights and swirling snow and the heat of his palms seep through my tights. I feel like he's declaring something, holding me up like a prize in this magical place full of treasures.
"There." He murmurs against my lips. "Now is it clear who only holds my attention?"
My head's full of stardust.
"You...are a dork." I grin, fingers sinking into the cold silk of his hair.
"Is it clear or no?"
I notice the people looking at us they pass. "Put me down."
"No."
"I'm in a skirt!" I hiss.
His fingers press into my skin as he hums. "Oh, I noticed."
People aren't just staring when they pass but stopping to look back at us. Some smile but one incredibly annoyed woman tuts. Dimitri doesn't look the slightest bit uncomfortable.
"Okay, fine, it's clear. Put me down."
He kisses me as he lowers me back down onto the slick asphalt.
"You're so embarrassing." I mutter as we move along toward the Christmas tree but I'm smiling because I have his attention, all of it.
"Stupid and embarrassing. I'm doing remarkably well on this date." He muses, fingers lacing back through mine.
I bump into him. "You're confidence is unshakeable. Don't try and make me feel bad."
"I'm just recapping, that's all."
"I didn't call you stupid, I said you were playing it. Ohhh, look at that!" I drag him toward a stall where sparks are spitting in front of a man in an iron mask. A table displays the jewellery he's making; fine banded rings in silver and gold, some have gems intricately presented, necklaces of cord or fine chain in different lengths with pendants displayed proudly, and bracelets that could be layered or thicker cuff styled ones.
"You can get them engraved." The woman behind the display tells us as I peer at a silver ring with black stones sunken into the band.
I smile at her. "They're lovely."
"There are 'his and hers' one's here." She gestures over a tray in the middle. "Promise rings."
I feel myself getting warm. "Oh."
"Engravings are charged separately on single purchases but on 'his and hers' engravings are free. Not just on the rings but on the other pendants too"
"Oh." I say again.
"Beautifully crafted." Dimitri compliments.
Her eyebrows raise at his voice and her smile widens. "There are Slavic crosses too."
She lifts a stand where the necklaces dangle from hooks and turns it. Crosses of different styles wink silver as they hang from tethers and fine chains.
"Slavic crosses?" I ask tentatively.
She nods enthusiastically and explains the cross is a Russian orthodox cross and has three crossbeams, two horizontal and the third one slanted at the bottom which is different from the other crosses on display.
She pulls one-off and passes it to me. "The bottom bar of the cross is like the scale of justice and its points show the way to heaven and to hell. Wearing the cross is a token of protection against evil, and to remind you to consider all your choices and paths in life."
I hold the cross in the cradle of my palm, the cool silver glinting at me
"At home, the cross above the church - its' lower beam would be pointing the way North. It's how travellers, soldiers, and other warriors would be able to navigate. It was a compass." Dimitri adds.
"North, heaven, a symbol of refuge and safety, protection and salvation." She says, smiling at him.
"My grandmother wears one." Dimitri murmurs, taking the pendant between his fingers.
"A token of home." She says, adding to the list this little pendant represented. "It's real silver too. Oh, excuse me"
She moves away to another potential customer and I study the look on Dimitri's face. There's warmth and yearning in his dark eyes as they regard the cross. I slide my arm around his waist and rest my head on his arm.
He hangs the necklace back on the display and the woman catches our eye.
"We're going to make our way around. You will likely see us again." He calls to her and I fold my arm inside his as we move away.
We wander around the next bend and the stalls fall away as we reach the massive decorated tree. It overlooks an enclosed space where people are whizzing back and forth on the ice. Music is being played through speakers at each corner of the rink. I drop his hand and run to the barrier. It didn't make any sense to be able to balance on a blade and move like that. I'd seen it in movies and on the internet but it still seemed like something not entirely true, like breathing underwater. I watch as a young girl glides to the centre and begins spinning so fast she's a blur, bringing her foot up behind her head.
His hands touch the barrier on either side of me. "Do you want to try?"
"I...yeah but I don't think I'll be able to do it."
"Stupid, embarrassing, and relatively decent ice-skater." He lists against my hair and I roll my eyes.
"Of course you can ice-skate. Is that how you got around Siberia? With the snow and ice being too thick."
He chuckles. "It saved on gas."
I tilt my head up. "Seriously?"
"No." He grins and I would be embarrassed but his face is lit up again, the same look he'd had when we were together.
"You seem... different." I murmur.
He doesn't answer, just stares intently down at me before jerking his chin. "C'mon, let's get some skates."
"What if I fall?"
"I won't let you."
"What if I take you down with me?"
"Not possible."
"Ah, there it is. That unshakeable confidence. Maybe I'll try and knock you on your ass."
"You clearly do not appreciate mine as I do yours which is why I'm not willing to let any harm come to it." He says matter of factly.
I refuse to be flattered. "Oh, I see. It's all self-interest."
He flashes me his teeth. "Exactly."
He leaves me on a bench to collect some skates and ignores my protest at him paying. I watch as he takes our things with him to exchange for the skates, our bags get put in a cubby with our shoes and I glance at them apprehensively but so many people are doing the same thing so it must be safe.
Someone drops onto the spot next to me.
A blonde boy, my age or a bit older, smiles at me around gum that he's chewing. "Hey."
"Um, hello."
"You gonna skate?"
"Yeah, I'm just -"
"Need a partner?"
"No." I say slowly. Over his shoulder, two other boys are leaning against the barrier and watching with a vested interest.
"Ah c'mon. I'm really good. And I can skate." He laughs and his hand falls fall onto my far shoulder.
I inhale. "Take your hand off me."
"What? Oh, sorry. I'm just used to going for what I want." He grins and I get the sense I'm supposed to be delighted by this. "What school do you go to or are you in college? I got a scholarship to play football, full ride at -"
"I don't care." I say flatly, cutting off his babbling. "Please, go away."
"Aw c'mon, don't make me beg." He says, his ego refusing to be thrown, and irritation flares. "One lap."
"No."
The easy smile slips and indignation takes its place. Behind him, his friends have started to snigger. I get it matters more what they think rather than what I do. "Why? Would your boyfriend mind or something?"
There's a pause as the question hangs between us, gaining weight and his lips twitch.
"He would." A voice answers. I exhale and don't turn immediately, enjoying watching the cockiness flee his face as he looks above me, at the owner of the voice as it adds. "He gets protective."
"And jealous." I smile and the boys' gaze drops back to mine. "He would like your 'going for what you want' thing as much as I did."
He swallows and mumbles something before pushing himself off the bench and scurrying back to his friends who are in hysterics.
Dimitri takes his vacated seat, dropping our skates between us.
"He liked you." He says echoing me from before with a smirk. I roll my eyes, again.
"Well, I can't exactly lift you and declare you only have my attention." I say, removing my boots as a vital piece of information expands in my head.
"Excuses."
I peek at him. "You're my boyfriend."
He smirks, pulling on his skates. "I hope I'm more than that."
"And I'm your girlfriend." I state, giddy.
"You are undeniably more than that."
Ally, trainer, friend, for me - summarised into 'my boyfriend'. The title doesn't encompass everything he is to me but it still feels great to have a label for us, a normal title. I'm someone's girlfriend and I wonder what that summarises for him.
He helps me lace my boots having done his own in literally ten seconds, oblivious to the thoughts whirling around in my head and emotions coursing through me. He pats my calves to indicate he's done, standing up and it's apparent I need to too.
"Uhh." I draw out nervously.
"You are not going to fall." He says, taking my hands and pulling me up. It doesn't make sense how I'm walking on a blade.
We reach the side of the ice with people gliding on or stumbling off. There are families, friends, and couples skating in the clockwise rotation, some finding it more difficult than others but no one has fallen flat on their face and I can't help but think that person is going to be me. I am going to humiliate myself in front of everyone and knowing my luck I will pull him down too. He steps out easily and I cling to the barrier edge.
"It's mostly about balance and we both know you're good at that." He says as a child breezes past him. "Roza, I am not going to let you fall."
"Yeah, not on my ass but what about my face?" I huff.
"I am quite fond of that too believe it or not."
Right because he's for me and he's my boyfriend. I feel half stupid and half drunk.
He's just standing there, an invisible pull moving him backward until he pushes forward. He holds out his hands and I glance from them to the people speeding toward me that then hop out onto the side like it's no big deal.
I take a deep breath and step out, my feet don't go out from under me, one hand on the barrier and the other reaching for him. He moves back an inch and I glare.
"You said -"
"And I won't but you have to try first."
Well, I can hardly go back now. For one, I don't know how and two, I was not a coward. That edge of fear is drawing out that fire in my lower belly, it wants to play. I let go and then...then I'm just standing there rigidly.
"Push off on your left foot and push it out, not back. You'll glide on your right, that's where you secure your balance." He instructs. "Bend at the knees when moving forward and straighten up as you glide."
"You are not my trainer today. Are boyfriends not supposed to help their girlfriends?"
"I've been both before today and it's worked out fine." He grins.
Russian jerk.
Hang on, before today? Could he not have told me that too? How long have I had that title?
"Could you not have explained this before I got on the ice?" I grumble.
"Then you'd be thinking too much instead of trying to feel in your muscle." He says and lightly places his hand under mine, reassurance more than safety. The way he does when he's guiding my form.
"Dimitri…"
"Try."
Why couldn't I have just asked to go back to all the food? I sigh and then try to do as he says. I push out with my left leg and slide forward on my right.
I coast slowly, pathetically, but I don't fall over so that's something.
"Good. Now push out on your right." I do and then repeat it over until I'm not sliding to shortstops but moving in one smooth motion to the other, gliding. "Lean gently to the left to turn."
I do that too and we curve easily with the people flowing past us. I start laughing.
"This...this is kinda like flying."
"It is." He agrees, latching our hands together and we skate along the length of the rink.
When we've done a lap he suddenly pulls me forward and draws behind me.
"What are you doing?" I demand in alarm.
"You are not going to fall." He says firmly and then it's just me. It's just me flying alone across the ice and all I have is the confidence in my legs and reassurance in my core. I could do this, I am doing this, I am flying. The bend approaches and I keep my breathing even as I lean to the left. I feel like a bird in the breeze, it's effortless, easy, instinctual and I laugh again.
I make the mistake of trying to look back for him and the tip of the blade catches ice. It's like gravity pushes and pulls at me as I trip onto my other foot and it goes flying out in front of me. My back hits his chest as my hands find purchase on his forearm.
I sigh in relief. "That... was a close call for my ass."
He leans down to my ear. "No, it wasn't."
"Is that what you were doing? Hanging back to enjoy the view?" I accuse like it doesn't excite me.
His hands clasp under my ribs and he's steering us along, his skates moving outside mine and all I have to do is balance and not taunt gravity to throw us.
"It wasn't what I was doing but it was one of the perks." He says tactfully.
'Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy and cozy are we (ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!)
We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would be (ring-a-ling-a ding-dong-ding!)'
"Uh-huh." I place my hands over his. "How fast do you think we could go?"
"Let's find out."
I should know by now his confidence in things comes from genuine skill. By the third time he has us skim the barrier, moving at a speed that shouldn't be and probably isn't allowed, I'm laughing so much that I can't tell him we should stop before we get in trouble. We hadn't hit anyone but we are being very distracting. He must think the same as he lets us glide to a slower speed. I reach up to peck his cheek and he smiles.
So many easy smiles today.
He untangles his arms from around me to move to my side, taking my hand. For a moment I worry I'll have forgotten how to hold myself but my muscles remember.
My hoods come down and the air tickles my hot neck. "Did you ice-skate all the time?"
"Ice-hockey was a popular pass time at school." His cheeks are pinched pink and he laughs. "Although, I was banned."
"Why? What did you do?"
He grins down at me and he looks younger, a glimpse of the boy he'd been. "What didn't I do? But I think the final straw was hitting Spiridon with a puck...I tried to say I was aiming for the goal but didn't help that he was nowhere near it and his team had already won."
Giggles burst from my lips. "Not used to losing?"
"Losing is fine. It was the running commentary that you'd expect from Spiridon that did it."
Spiridon winning anything sounds pretty intolerable to be fair.
We round the bend and I notice the rinks got pretty full. Two girls brush past me laughing loudly and anxiety flutters in my stomach. I look over my shoulder and it's a wall of bodies. If anyone fell now it would be a disaster.
He squeezes my fingers."Time for another drink? Food?"
I exhale. "That sounds great."
He navigates our way off the ice and it's all I can do to concentrate on keeping my muscles relaxed and in motion.
He returns our skates and stomping into my boots I realise how uncomfortable my feet had been and my calves are already sore. I watch over his shoulder at a group of teenage girls giggling and whispering with each other and staring at him. They notice me and avert their eyes, their glee becoming more intense.
"Ready?" He asks, collecting the bags and holding out his hand.
I plant one foot on the bench and push up, pulling him to me by his lapels so I can kiss him long and hard. When I pull back his eyes are half-closed and I am very proud of myself, especially as the giggling has stopped.
"What was that for?"
"Just letting everyone know you're my boyfriend." My ally, trainer, friend... that I am for you and you are for me.
He looks at me dazedly and it's so adorable, so rare and so mine.
My hands leave his coat to cradle his face and I press my lips to the tip of his nose. He chuckles, cheeks pinker than when we were on the ice and I hop down.
I tug at his hand. "C'mon. I want something sweet now and I saw these long-looking sugar pretzel things."
We make it back to the picnic tables, weaving through the continual flow of bodies as the market gets busier. We snag the end of a table and put our stuff underneath it.
"Are you okay?" He asks me quietly, eyes intent on my face.
I nod, trying to keep my breathing regular. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just...a lot to take in."
"We can leave." He offers.
My palm cups his face as I shake my head. I was not going to ruin this by folding in on myself. I had come so far and I can go further.
He presses his lips together but he doesn't push. He turns his lips into my palm.
"Do you want to wait here and I'll get our food?" He asks as my eyes travel over the moving crowd that flows around us. I nod. "Roza, will you be okay?"
I turn back to him and the tense set of his mouth. "Yeah, I just need a sec to sit down out of the crowd. Really, I'm fine...getting hungrier though."
His lips twitch. "Something sweet?"
"Yes please."
"I won't be far." He promises. He lifts my knuckles to his lips before sliding into the churning bodies.
I watch the back of his coat submerge into the passers-by and then I lose sight of him. I can't grasp anyone's face, filtering by too fast and there's so many it makes this space that felt so big feel smaller. I've never been alone outside the house before tonight. The chocolate stand had been bearable because I had something to focus on and I could feel the seconds ticking down to when he was coming to find me but this is different. My nails dig into the wood and air seems to be getting lodged in my throat. I feel like the only thing anchored, everything being swept along around me at the table. If I cling to the table I won't be swept away too.
"Ali, I told you it would be too busy. We should have come yesterday."
The grouchy voice cuts through the din in my head. An old man, older than I've ever seen in real life, holds two steaming cups as he looks around the tables. The woman beside him, who must be Ali, has a kind face, the most prominent lines are around her eyes and mouth. She's holding their food and if they don't eat soon it'll get cold.
"Oh, give it a rest. We're having a nice time." She says, craning her head to see further back.
"Oh yes, wonderful. I love being pushed and shoved by teenagers. I love paying eight dollars for a drink we coulda made at home where we have a couch and it's warm."
"If we find a seat I'll keep you plenty warm."
I clear my throat. "Excuse me." It doesn't come out loud enough and I try again. Ali catches my eye and smiles, it helps. "You can sit here. My...boyfriend and I can share."
"Are you sure?" She asks, ushering the man along toward me. "That's very kind. If this one isn't sitting with something to put in his face he gets awful grumpy."
"The something cost me a few bucks so it better be good." He grumbles, reaching up to turn on a heater I didn't realise was there. Ali slides into Dimitri's previous spot.
"Oh shush, your gonna make her regret being kind to two old bats. Now sit down and put your fries in your mouth."
"Yes, mam." His blue eyes find me. "Thank you, we do appreciate it."
"I'm Alice and this is Arthur. Ali and Art." Ali says, taking her drink from him.
I smile back at her and then realise the expectancy. "Oh, I'm Rose."
"Nice to meet you, honey. Do you want some fries?"
I shake my head and Alice launches into telling me about them, how their week has gone and how their grandkids told them all about the market so she decided to get Arthur off his butt. She makes a joke about how they might not be around for it next year and Arthur, who's brightened up now he's sitting and eating, says he has at least twenty more years in him.
"Twenty more years to complain to me about things you end up enjoying." She says, shaking her head fondly.
"Woman, I have told you repeatedly. I would trek all over the goddamn place for you, despite my bad knee, because when we finally get to sit down, that's when I get to enjoy things because I have your company."
"We've been married thirty-three years, you can stop flirting with me."
"Never."
I laugh and Arthur winks at me. I listen contently to their back and forth, the little dreamer place in the back of my mind wondering if in thirty years I'll have this. Alice gives me snap information of their lives and that sensation of being adrift is distracted. Two steaming cups are set down in front of me and I smile up at Dimitri's curious face.
"Hi! This is Alice and Arthur. They needed somewhere to sit." I stand and shuffle out of my space.
"I see. A pleasure to meet you both." He says smoothly, flashing them his rare smile that he's brought out for today.
Arthur's face has gone slack. Alice looks between us in something like approval.
"You are a lovely match, aren't they?" She says to Arthur.
Arthur nods. "Sure are."
I gesture for Dimitri to sit down and then I perch on his lap, he wraps an arm around my waist, and relief ripples through me. He's brought back mulled wine, apple cider, churros with chocolate dipping sauce, and mini-pancakes. He asks into my ear if I'm okay and I nod, pulling a section of the fried dough off. Arthur is staring at Dimitri and words are bubbling out of Alice's mouth, the same stories she'd been telling me. She reminds me of Natalie. Dimitri listens and asks polite questions.
"How long have you been together?" She asks.
"From the end of October." Dimitri says squeezing my hip and I grin around my churro.
"Feels like longer." I add, peeking at him.
He's wearing that small smile and looking at me with pride on his face. I feel myself flush, the heaters are too hot and my body too constrictive of this emotion in my chest.
"I know that feeling." Arthur says and Alice rolls her eyes.
"That's because when we were young and in love it was thirty-four years ago."
'In love'
I grab the cup of mulled wine and take a sip, something to do with my mouth besides speak. Alice watches me with a knowing look in her hazel eyes and I look away.
"You over here studying or something, son?" Arthur asks.
"Personal traning." Dimitri replies easily and I smirk around the rim.
Calm down.
Arthur asks Dimitri a few more questions about Russia and a war. Alice looks exasperated and shakes her head at me and I grin. I lace my fingers between the ones resting on my stomach and pass him a tiny pancake. We finish our food and Alice asks what our plans are for the rest of the night.
"Browse the stalls again, finish sampling all the food stands." Dimitri says.
"Yep. And the photo booth." I add and he raises an eyebrow. "Please."
"You two will have no money left." Arthur huffs. "Listen, the guy running it, I've fixed his truck easily fifteen times and only charged for ten of those. Tell him I said he owes me and it'll be no charge."
"That's...that's really kind." I say and he shrugs.
"He's a gruff old goat but he is a good one." Alice beams, placing a loving hand on his hatted head.
"Thank you." Dimitri reiterates. Arthur looks truly uncomfortable now and mutters its 'no big deal' into his cup.
"Are you ready to go?" Dimitri murmurs to me.
I feel steady again, full, happy. So happy. "Yes."
"It was very nice to meet you." Dimitri says to them.
"It really was. Thank you again."
Alice is waving a hand. "You saved us from freezing our butts off and me listening to this guy. Have a happy Christmas."
"I think I will." I say, watching Dimitri take our trash to the bin.
Alice leans across the table. "There are props at the booth. Get the mistletoe."
"What's that?"
Arthur becomes interested in the remains of his burger and Alice quickly whispers an explanation, sinking back into her seat as Dimitri strolls back. He holds his hand out to me, wishing the couple a merry Christmas and we step back into the throng of people. It's not so bad now.
We queue for the photo booth and Dimitri conveys Arthur's message to the guy taking money. He waves us ahead without charge.
Thank you, Arthur.
We squeeze into the small space and there's a basket of props under the bench. I grab the prop of plastic leaves with white berries and conceal it as he mutters in Russian.
"Are you complaining?" I demand.
"Only about spacial dimensions." He says, angling his long legs toward the curtain so he'll fit. I laugh and then squeal as he pulls me down into his lap.
We'd been told to push the button when we were ready and there would be a count down to each photo taken, four total. Suddenly it's really important to get four perfect photos, my limbs feel awkward.
"Ready?"
I inspect my hair in the small mirror and smooth it down, pulling my braid forward. I watch him watching me and try not to smirk, blush, combust or blurt something stupid.
"Yep." I lean forward and punch the button. A countdown from five starts.
Five.
He pushes his hair back and I'm hit with a rock.
Four.
I glance at the mirror, at us together, and we do look like a match. We look right together.
Three.
I look, happy, healthy and my eyes are bright and unburdened.
Two.
I pull out the mistletoe from behind my hip and hold it up like Alice said. His dark eyes jump to it and he smiles.
One.
His fingers curl under my chin and draws me toward him. This has been the best day of my life.
Zero.
A flash emits behind my eyelids but my world is centred on how his lips taste of cinnamon and sugar.
I hold the strip delicately, not wanting to smudge the images as I drink them in.
In the first one, I hold the mistletoe above us, his fingers cradle my chin as we kiss with our eyes closed. The second we've just broken away and he's grinning at me and I'm looking at the camera, trying to gauge when the next photos going to go off. The third I'd dived for more props and I've forced a sparkly top hat onto his head and he looks so exasperated whilst I'm laughing and the fourth… the fourth he'd buried his head in my shoulder and I have my hand curled around the back of his neck, it looks like he's telling me a secret.
It's us, evidence of us, and that this is real and today has happened. This is the truth and how we are back at the house is a lie. Dimitri's chin rests on my shoulder and I reach a hand up to his face.
"We can't take this back with us." I murmur, my thumb ghosting over us.
"We can take pieces." He says after a moment, tucking my hair behind my ear. "One photo each and then...the other two we can place somewhere."
"Not in the trash." I utter, reeling at the idea of throwing this away. I turn to him. "Could we put one in the Christmas tree? By the rink."
"Yes" He agrees, looking thoughtful. "And what about inside a book?"
I grin. "I love that."
His lips part and his gaze fills with purpose like he's thought of something important to say but then he exhales and nods. "Me too."
"What photo do you want?" I say, holding it up to him.
He takes the strip from me and my heart swells as he contemplates. This means just as much to him as it does to me.
"The fourth." He answers quietly, looking up from under his eyelashes, an almost shy touch to his expression. "Is that okay?"
I nod fervently. "I want the first."
Carefully I fold the ends, creating creases on the border of the photos so it's easier to tear. It feels wrong to be ripping it but having things in small doses, having small parts of the truth to own and to hide, that's pretty fitting of us too.
I hand him his photo and he takes out his wallet, studying it for a moment before sliding it in. I do the same, slotting it in one of the unoccupied cardholders. I immediately want to take it out and look at it again
We make our way back to the book tent and he tells me to pluck a book at random.
"Wuthering Heights." I read. "Shouldn't it be 'Withering'?"
"I think it's the name of the place in the book but I'm not sure. I haven't read it." I flip it open and he slots our photo into the worn binding. "But I know that it's a classic and that it has withstood time."
I bite down on my bottom lip before snapping the book shut, concealing us inside. "That sounds…"
"Fitting." He murmurs, taking it from me and arranging it between other books.
The girl waves to us and Dimitri inclines his head, leading us out. I'm too busy processing his words to care. We make our way back to the tree and the rink looks to be at full capacity. It's a bit nauseating.
There's a barrier around the tree and a group occupying a table beside it selling tickets for the kids. I give a woman twenty dollars to put the photo in the tree and she doesn't question it as much as I thought she would. We watch as she carefully puts the photo deep into the branches and my heart swells. Evidence of our first Christmas is concealed inside this beautifully decorated, gigantic tree and I feel the magic that's in the atmosphere sink into my skin. The photo would stay there for days, the truth of us out there existing in the world even when we were elsewhere lying.
I catch Dimitri slipping another note into their collection box when he thinks no one is looking.
On our walk back his gaze is averted to the sky like he's seeing something I can't.
"What?"
"The snow's going to get heavier." He murmurs.
"Well duh, it has gotten heavier."
It was starting to stick to the ground and some patches had smoothed down into ice.
He squeezes my waist. "Not what I meant, smartass."
"Such fascination with my ass." I mutter and he smirks wickedly. Blood rushes to my face.
I decide I want one last hot chocolate, an ordinary one, and then I'll be ready to go. The temperature had dropped and my ears are cold under my hat and hood.
"Really? You don't want to try anything else? There's a bakery stall over there and burgers before -"
"Okay, okay, you persuaded me." I take in the thicker rows in front of the cabins now. "We should split up and meet at the sleigh." I know immediately he doesn't like that idea. I wasn't too keen on it either but I would not let this feeling win, I would not fold in. "We have our phones and if we have to wait any longer than twenty minutes we'll give up?"
He chews on that and I feel like he's seeing through me. "Ten minutes."
"Fifteen."
"Done."
"I expected a bit more of an argument than that."
"I pick my battles." He grins, stooping down to brush his lips over mine. He tells me to stay with the crowd and ring him if I need him. "Even if your feeling overwhelmed, do not try and suffer through it."
I almost want to argue with him that I'm not that weak but I recognise it's not something to argue over, he didn't think of me like that.
We split off and I go in search of the decadent hot chocolates. On my way, I pass the jewellery stand.
"Hello again." The woman smiles brightly.
The sleigh is in sight, sort of, I saw a glimpse of it past someone's shoulder. I have under a minute left but I'd tried to go the wrong way and the tide of the crowd had been against me, so I had to follow the path back into the market and find the way that looped back.
I'm panicking. Not overwhelmed by it yet, working with it, as I clutch my phone in one hand and our drinks in the other. Dimitri had warned me about people stealing your stuff, so that, and the press of bodies everywhere around me, is trying to crush me inward.
This wasn't brave it was stupid and if I don't make it to that damn sleigh it'll ruin everything.
My toes are stood on, shoulders jostled, as people in front of me move inch by slow inch and I focus on breathing.
The crowd starts to break and I glimpse the huge red sleigh with Dimitri standing off to the side of it, statue still with sharp eyes. They find me immediately. I pick up the pace, swerving around a man in the way, and don't stop until my face is pressing into his chest, snow, and citrus. His free hand strokes my head and the feeling ebbs.
"Let's go." He murmurs and I nod into his scarf. We arrange our packages so I can be tucked into his side as we walk back under the rainbow net.
I sip my lukewarm hot chocolate as he puts the bags in the boot. I feel calmer now I'm back in a safe and enclosed space. The driver's door opens and he climbs in.
"I'm okay." I say. His face is unreadable as he unwinds his scarf. "I am. The sugar is helping and it's quiet in here."
He sighs and reaches over to brush my cheek. "It's me. I'm in my head. I'd started to worry and then I saw you and that look on your face...I can't stand that look on your face."
"What look?"
"Fear."
"That was only one moment of the whole night and I love tonight, more than I can tell you. It's perfect. I...I don't want to ruin it."
"Roza, you could never ruin it. You are allowed to react to things without there being a consequence."
I mull that over as I sip. Isn't that what I'd been trying to come to terms with - I could feel and react without consequences?
"Okay."
There had been so many people at the end, so many. "I find it hard to imagine anyone would be completely comfortable in a crowd like that."
He hums in agreement and one of my hands leaves my drink to take his.
A grin tugs at my lips. "Ice-skating was amazing."
His dark eyes watch me intently, the gold flickers. "It was. It was one of my favourite parts."
"I liked the photo booth and meeting Ali and Arthur, and giving money to get the children toys, all the food. I liked...being with you, properly." I liked having evidence hidden in our wallets. "I liked being seen together. I was so proud to be with you and it was normal! So easy for people to accept we're simply boyfriend and girlfriend." I take a small sip, peeking up at him from under my lashes. He's staring at me, waiting for me to go on. "I know that's just a title and it doesn't capture us properly but it's nice. What?" His chest is rising a falling and a muscle flexes in his jaw. His dark eyes are intense and I can't work out if it's bad or good. "Have I said something wrong?"
He shakes his head, tries to speak, then reaches across to kiss me. It is not a sweet or tender kiss, unlike any we've shared tonight. It's the claiming and addictive kind. The devastating and possessive kind. I sink into it. I blindly shove my cup into the holder between us, distantly feeling some of the hot liquid splatter on my tights, and clutch his wrists as he holds my jaw. My tongue flicks against his bottom lip and his part on a sigh.
Maybe it's because we're going home and the time of being openly together is coming to an end, maybe it's just cravings or maybe it's just the best way to end the best date ever.
My tongue sweeps over his and a pleased noise leaves my throat. His hand sinks into my hair and the other to my waist pulling me as close as possible. I break away and disappointment touches his face, then raw delight as I climb into his lap. I shrug out of my coat and throw it in the back as his hands run over my waist, my hips, and rest on my thighs as I bring my mouth back to his.
I have the presence of mind to be grateful for the tinted windows.
His hands slip under my skirt and even through my tights, they blaze my skin. They travel up to grip my backside and I respond by biting his lip. He groans, sitting up straighter and my knees sink further into the seat by his hips, causing parts of me to touch parts of him that then light up. My hips rock in response and I want to be in fewer clothes, need to be.
"Oi, moya lyubov', ty ponyatiya ne imeyesh', chto ty so mnoy delayesh." He whispers in my ear, pulling down the high neck of my jumper to kiss skin.
"What are you saying?" I breathe, pulling him back to me.
"Devastating." He says against my lips as my hand slide down over his torso and under the cable knit.
Moya lyubov'
He's said this before, whispered it to me as I'm falling asleep so I think it's in the dawning of a dream. Murmured it into my hair when he left in the morning or against my lips when I was folded into his arms between kisses. I don't know what it is but I feel the importance of it, the value of it in his language, and when he translates it for me I know things will change, it will be another truth I'll lie for.
I say the only thing I can think of to subtle shift the direction of things.
"Do you want to drown?" I murmur back. He groans and his fingers tightening their grip as mine slip higher over those planes and lines under his jumper. "I do."
He says something that sounds like a prayer and I kiss him, hopefully answering it.
His fingertips curl into the waistband of my tights and the want is spreading through my blood like a wildfire.
Somebody squeals near the car and the noise slices through our bubble, pulling us apart. Dimitri's shoulders tense and his eyes zero on the girls running past. His hands press into my back. When had he moved them?
Slowly he relaxes and I smooth his jumper back into place, resting my hand over his heart. I smile as I feel it thrumming even through the material.
"Time to go home?" I say, quietly.
"Time to go back." He corrects.
I frown. "Why not 'home'?"
He cups my face. "Home is where you are."
Ally, trainer, friend, for me, my boyfriend, home.
The snow is coming down in a wild flurry as he navigates the roads. The heat of the car and my full belly are lulling me to sleep but I try to fight it. I hadn't slept last night, too excited, too restless and too alone in my bed.
"Sleep, Roza." He murmurs.
'Love's strange, so real in the dark, Think of the tender things that we were working on…'
My eyes drift closed and I try to find my voice.
"Today was the best day of my life." I mumble.
'Slow change may pull us apart, When the light gets into your heart, baby…'
I feel his hand close over mine, warm and rough, a comforting weight.
"Mine too."
'Don't you, forget about me, Don't, don't, don't, don't...'
Hello lovelies. Merry Christmas in September. I hope you enjoyed the wholesome fluff after the last chapter.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and to the girls over on P..a..t...r...e...o.n who have been super hyped about this. The comment threads are hilarious.
SPECIAL S/O to Maddy for caring about their perfect date as much as I did and who has been nothing but supportive, encouraging, and eager to give feedback and notes to embellish Rose and Dimitri's story so it's the best it can be. Without her, it really wouldn't be what it is.
Excited to the next chapter, see you all again soon x