DPOV
'I gotta be cool, relax, Get hip and get on my tracks, Take a back seat, hitchhike, And take a long ride on my motorbike, Until I'm ready…Crazy little thing called love'
I dial the volume down again until the music's faint.
Rose sighs in her sleep and instinctively my hand reaches over to stroke her thigh before putting it right back on the wheel. The storm's getting worse. Thankfully we left when did otherwise we'd be stranded. Normally we'd be home in twenty minutes from here but with the way it's coming down, it'll take forty to reach the drive.
I tense as a set of headlights cuts through the thick billowing of white and relax as it passes.
I can get us back.
In the back of my mind, I do a quick inventory of everything concealed under the panel in the boot. If we had to stop we'd be fine but aren't going to stop because I will get us back.
Another set of headlights pierce through the blizzard.
RPOV
Fingers brush against my cheek and instinctively I lean toward the touch, seeking it.
"Roza." He murmurs. "Wake up, we're back."
I pry my eyes open and recognise the silence. No steady vibration of the engine or 80s music playing. The only light emits from overhead and I blink, trying to make sense of the movement outside the window.
"Is...is it still snowing?"
"It's turned into a storm. I parked as close to the house as I could. You remember the code?" I nod. "I'm going to get our things and you get inside."
"I can help."
"I've got it. Get inside."
We couldn't have been parked for that long but already the cold is pushing in and stealing the heat.
"Nobody's home yet?"
"No."
I sit into a stretch and he reached back for my coat. Groggily I pull it on with my gloves and hat. The front door should be like, fifteen steps away, but it's gotten even colder and the thought of opening the car door is gross.
He fixes my scarf so it's pulled up over my nose and then his own.
"Let's go. Straight inside."
"Yes sir." I mumble and throw the door open before I can think.
It's like being submerged into ice water but more bitter, worse because I have to breathe that frost into my lungs. The snow is a blur and moves sideways so it's disorientating and it takes me a second to right myself. I trudge toward the front door. The snow is ankle deep and the front path is covered. I clutch my arms around myself and hurry toward the porch. I have to test where the floor is so I don't slip on the steps. Frost clings to the keypad and I scrub it off with my cuff so I can put in the code.
I hurry inside the entry and the change of temperature from freezing to cool is welcoming. Dimitri rushes in just behind me and throws the door closed to the storm.
We'd been outside for two minutes but we are caked in white.
He sets our bags and sinks a hand into his hair to shake off the snow. I hang up our coats, kick off my boots as he turns on the heat before going up to Ben's security station to check things. I flick on the Christmas lights and then go to the window to watch the white rain.
It's so beautiful when you're protected from it.
Our footprints are almost gone.
I pull the blinds down and get some water from the fridge. By the time he comes back to the living room, I've settled on the sofa with some blankets from the utility closet. The snow has piled up beside the glass wall...I wonder how high it will get.
His hands brace on the back of the sofa and my head falls back.
"Hi."
"Hello." He smiles.
"What time is it?"
"It's coming up to one"
"Oh wow."
"I'm going to make a coffee, would you like one?"
"No, thank you."
He dips and immediately I pucker my lips but he kisses my cheek. I scowl when he pulls back and he chuckles at my expression.
"Why that face?"
The scowl intensifies. "You know why."
He grins and slowly, so slowly, he bends back down. His nose brushes against mine and I bite back my impatience. His lips ghost along my cheek, to my jaw, to my chin, and then pause. His fingers stroke along my throat until he's cupping my neck, thumbs caressing my cheekbones.
I exhale heavily through my nose.
"Something wrong?"
"I just thought you knew how to read a situation better."
His lips twitch. "Oh? Tell me what I'm clearly not picking up on." Russian jerk. I'm half tempted to bat his hands off in frustration. "Because I thought, I was waiting for you to take what you wanted instead of whining."
"Like I said, read it wrong."
"Apologies." He murmurs and gently kisses my bottom lip. My fingers curl under the blankets. "Have I grasped it yet?"
"Almost." I whisper before he kisses me properly. My fingers lock around his wrists and he continues to cradle my jaw.
My blood begins to hum.
He pulls back.
"That...that was about it." I say, feeling a bit dazed.
He grins and presses a kiss to my forehead before going to the kitchen. I flick on the TV and sink against the cushions, the golden glow of the Christmas tree casting out against the shadows. I pick a Christmas movie and pull out my phone. I have 10 short videos from Natalie and 6 from Lissa, along with photos and text messages. In the first couple of short videos, they're soberish and showing off their dresses, and then it descends into chaos of lights, music, screaming, and dancing. Mason and Jesse are playing a game of drinking from a flask behind teachers' backs, Lissa laughing so hard she's quiet behind the camera except for gasping breaths and it makes me laugh. The photos also show the decline from sober to drunkish with more formal poses turning into ridiculous ones. Hugging, lots of hugging. There's group one where they're all laughing and Jesse is holding his glass up to the camera. Christian is holding Lissa from behind and she grinning over her shoulder at him.
I put my phone back into my bag and pull out my wallet. I slide out the evidence of tonight and smile at it.
One day I'll be able to tell Lissa, and Natalie, everything. One day. I slide it back in as I hear his footsteps.
"What are we watching?" He asks, sitting down beside me.
I shift so my blanket-clad feet are in his lap. "I...can't remember the name of it but it's Christmas on something."
"I like that one." He grins, bringing his mug to his lips.
I nudge him with my foot. "You're full of comebacks tonight."
"Well, I wouldn't want to bore you."
I consider him as he drinks and then scoot down toward him. He raises an eyebrow.
I lean my head on my hand and repeat what I'd told him by the rink. "You're different."
He smiles, that easy soft smile that I love so much. "I...haven't felt like this in a long time. Like, myself."
"You couldn't be yourself with Ben? Spiridon? I think someone else giving him back what he gives would be a good thing."
He takes another drink. "I've told you before I was more regimented. School, to the red zones, jobs to here...and then with my family relationships getting more strained. I operated, existed. I'm different because of you, this, us. I feel like I'm awake."
Those first few months of knowing him I would never be able to believe he'd be able to joke freely like he'd been doing. Maybe a dry comment here or there. I wouldn't be able to believe that he'd been a prankster at school but now I could, I'd seen glimpses of it now and I think it's a funny thing of how different we both were when we met, both so guarded in different ways.
I'd told him in Estonia that I wanted to know him better. I think it was the first time something in me didn't want to accept he was holding back from me, maybe something in me knew whatever he was hiding was bad. He'd been so injured and so beaten down mentally, all the signs were there, but I chose to ignore my instincts about it because he said he was fine. And I understand why he had because admitting the truth would be an inconvenience to the others, it would mean he wasn't functioning as he was expected to because all that mattered was that he had a Guardian role to play.
Now he thought he had more than just his role – and he's right.
"You have that look on your face." He says quietly. "When you're thinking through something."
Those two words Alice had said blaze in my mind and I give him a shaky smile. "I was just thinking about how different we are from when we first met."
His expression softens as he looks at me, really looks at me. "That's when I started changing."
I remember our first encounter and he'd been the first person to ever give me my boundaries and my choices.
'I am not going to hurt you.'
His fingers had curled and uncurled in the effort not to reach out and help me when I'd needed it but I'd desperately needed the distance more to believe him.
'Can I look?'
His face had been blank then, a smooth surface with all this force and power contained. Now he sits beside me with open and gentle eyes with gold reflecting the room's glow.
"Me too." I say.
He holds out his arm and I tuck myself into his side. He presses his lips to my head and I close my eyes.
'What are you?'
'My name is Dimitri Belikov and I am not going to hurt you.'
DPOV
Winter berries and vanilla. That's come to be the smell of home.
I don't know if she's paying attention to the movie or if she's fallen asleep again. I'm too terrified to find out because if she's awake then I have no excuse to not tell her. To explain the whole truth of why I'm different.
She'd said this has been the best day of her life and I'd already been thinking it had been the best of mine. I will do everything to hear her say that again. Top it ten times over because she deserves it.
She deserves everything.
She deserves the truth.
Since that night where I spoke to Karolina and she found me in the kitchen, I'd decided to never be closed to her again and some part of me thinks she already knows. The hopeful part of me thinks does because then it might not be overwhelming to her. I'd told her part of the truth, in my mother tongue, in my language, what she is to me.
My love.
The first time it had just slipped out naturally and the whole truth has nearly followed suit multiple times. If I let my guard down like I almost always do with her, it's going to slip out and I don't want that. I want to tell her with the right words, I want to explain what she means to me and how she's changed me. I want it to be right because I've never felt like this before.
I'd gone over a hundred different speeches and scenarios in my head. Turning her toward me, looking into those warm doe eyes and telling her, 'I am for you, you are my home and -'
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
RPOV
I have no idea what's going on in this movie. I think the old man might be Santa but he's in court and that doesn't seem right. Plus there have been no elves.
It would help if my mind didn't keep slipping off. I keep replaying tonight wanting to hold onto every detail. My fingers itch to pull out the photo but the real thing is where my head rests. People had seen us for what we are. The first time we'd really gone out on a date and everything we'd told each other secretly was there for the world to see.
I'd meant it when I told him how proud I was to be with him and for everyone to know. We have a label, a real definition of what we are and tonight people knew.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and I sit up so he can get it.
"I thought you'd fallen asleep." He says, regarding the small screen. "Spiridon."
My stomach sinks. Our day might be coming to an end.
He answers with a small smile at me and stands, taking his empty mug to the kitchen. More vibrations are coming from my bag. I fish out my phone and I have more short videos and an incoming video call from Natalie.
I brace myself and answer it.
"ROSSSSSSSSSE." She screams and I wince.
Her eyes are bright and glassy, lipstick smudged off and some of her hair has come undone. She doesn't look like she's at a dance anymore but in someone's room.
"Jesus Natalie!" Someone who sounds like Jesse says. "We are trying to keep a low profile!"
"Pfft, kiss my ass. Kirova can kiss my ass. Roseee, thorny Roseee. Hahahaha."
"Natalie, give me the phone!" Lissa demands and everything blurs as they struggle. I hear Natalie squeal and then Lissa's face is on the screen. She looks just as drunk and I immediately laugh. She starts laughing too, asking what I'm laughing at and I laugh more.
"We're all got told to back to our rooms because of the storm. Have you seen, saw, seen-saw the storm?"
I try to pull myself together. "Yeah, yeah I saw. We drove back as it was starting."
"WE HAD A SNOWBALL FIGHT." Natalie shouts from off-camera and Jesse again tells her to shut up. I can hear Mason's voice too and he's being just as loud but it sounds like he's impersonating someone.
"We did, we did and ohmygod Spiridon had to chase Natalie it wassofunny."
I can just about speak through my laughter. "Why?"
"Because like, we weren't supposed to go outside but then someone shouted it was blizzarding and so we all ran out and ignored them saying we couldn't. All the seniors were in the courtyard and the teachers were losing their minds and Natalie refused to come back so Spiridon ended up shouting at her and itwassofunny."
"He's my brutha from another mutha!" Natalie shouts and then stumbles into the camera, leaning her chin on Lissa's shoulder. "We miss you. We wish you came!"
"Miss you, Rose." Mason calls and a girl's voice says 'hey' like she's annoyed but then Jesse and Camille shout the same thing and I feel awkward.
"You can't – won't miss you on the dance at the Lodge. We will not allow it. I am putting my foot down." Natalie slurs.
"There's another dance?"
"Yeahh. Muchmoreformal...muchmoreboring." Natalie says, closing her eyes.
Lissa gives me an exasperated shake of the head which is in no way subtle. "Did you have fun shopping?"
"I did." I grin.
"Good." Lissa beams. "Listen we're gonna get off the phone because I'm drunk but not so drunk that I know this could be annoying for you."
"Who's annoying?" Natalie demands, suddenly coming to life.
"You are." Ralf says and she gives him the finger.
"Lovely." Lissa laughs. "Okay, love you, talk to you tomorrow. Say hi to Dimitri."
"I will. Love you both."
"EVEERYONESAYBYETOROSE."
"What?"
"Natalie! You have to shut up."
The phone disconnects and I laugh quietly to myself. Everyone has had a good day it seems.
I kick off the blankets and pad over to inspect our baubles before remembering I have a new one to add. I grab our bags of stuff and bring them into the living room. I pull out the bauble and start assessing where I can put it.
Dimitri comes up behind me, one hand sliding onto my waist and I smile at the touch.
"Would you like the good news or the very good news?" He murmurs.
"Hmm. The good news." I say, holding the bauble up to a potential spot.
"The good news is the storm is so bad that everyone will be remaining at the academy until it stops. Which means we get more time together."
"That... is good news." I manage to say without the excitement exploding out of me. Maybe that meant no setting alarms for him to sneak out...it also meant not being worried about being quiet. The hum in my blood is a steadily building thing.
I turn my head and brush my lips against his before whispering. "What's the very good news?"
He grins and takes the bauble from me, teasing the ribbon onto the branch I'd been looking at. The tree hadn't seemed like it had been missing something before but now my ornament has completed it.
"I can take this opportunity to give you your Christmas presents." He murmurs just above my ear.
If I could bottle this feeling it would be priceless. I'd hoped he'd gotten me something but I hadn't wanted to assume, especially when I tried to think about what he would get me and came up empty. Books are the easiest thing because I love them and so does he.
I lean back against him, try to speak around this feeling of being so full and whole. "And I can give you yours."
His fingers tilt my chin up. "You didn't have to get me anything. You have given me enough."
I'd give him everything.
I force myself to huff. "That would be an arrogant thing for me to think."
I turn in his hold and slide my hands around his neck. His slide around my waist, pulling me up and against him. "I've told you, you are everything to me."
I feel myself blushing but I refuse to let it take the reigns. "So I could have just put a bow on my head?"
He chuckles and then I'm off my feet. Knees tucked to his hips. "Yes, you could have."
I sigh dramatically. "I didn't keep any of the receipts."
"I suppose I'll have to accept them then."
"How terrible for you. It's almost as if I shouldn't have bothered."
He laughs again and I wind myself tighter around him. He'd said home is where I am. I felt like a place to him, a destination and I can't help but think how much sense that makes.
"Let me clarify. I am very grateful."
"You don't even know what they are yet."
He kisses me softly and my fingers curl into his shoulders.
"Grateful." He repeats before kissing me again.
I push his hair back from his ridiculously handsome face. "Me too."
DPOV
I set her back on her feet, already missing the feel of her in my arms and how she holds onto me like I'm the most important thing in the world.
She gasps softly, distress touching her lovely face. "I haven't wrapped anything. I didn't think I would be giving you them today."
"I don't mind. I haven't wrapped yours either." I say, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
She casts a glare at me and I hold in the desire to laugh.
"I do. And I can't do it myself. I...I rip the paper. You'll have to close your eyes and I'll hand them to you." She determines and then her smile could light up a whole street.
Adorable. So beautifully adorable.
She makes me sit down and close my eyes, even when she runs upstairs, and I continue to keep them closed when I hear her come back. Lips twitching as she fusses. It could be anything, literally anything, and I will be grateful because she's chosen it. Another thing to treasure just like the mask in my bedside drawer.
I hear the rustle of bags, feel the dip of the sofa as she sits, and sense her laying things out then picking them up again. I try not to smile and remain still.
"Okay." She says, sounding nervous. "Open your eyes."
I do and immediately start laughing.
She giggles and I lift my gift from the space between us. One hundred hair ties.
"I love it. Practical and thoughtful." I tell her. "I hope I'm able to keep track of these ones."
I knew exactly where all the lost ones were, in her bathroom, on her bedside, in her hair, or sometimes around her wrist. She hums and the pink in her cheeks warms her eyes to the most beautiful chocolate. She'd been fidgeting with her braid but now throws it back over her shoulder.
"Thank you." I grin, starting to open the packet.
"You're only allowed them when you train though...and have to be formal."
I raise an eyebrow. "My present comes with conditions?"
"Yep." She grins, delighted and it's that smile, that expression on her face, that a man would walk through fire for.
How can she not be aware of beautiful she is, everyone else is. People turned to look at her tonight, eyes paused on her face before moving on and she'd been oblivious. The exception of that one boy showing his interest...poorly and she'd let him know.
Women like Roza...there aren't many women like her.
"I agree to your terms." I say and she laughs.
"Good. Eyes closed please."
"There's more?"
She makes a face like that's a ridiculous question. "Of course there's more."
Oh.
I close my eyes and feel her moving around for the next gift.
"Open."
A book. Its spine cracked and cover dog-eared. She passes it to me, that shy look back on her face, and I read the cover.
"This...this is the one we watched together." I murmur, flipping it over to read the back.
"With Scarlet. I know you already know what happens but books always have more in them so I thought even though you know it would be different and -"
I move forward to press my lips to hers so I can stop the doubt in its tracks. "I love it. I haven't read this one. Thank you."
Her eyes are half-closed and they flutter open. It's amazing to think she might react the same way I do when we touch. She leans forward again, a silent ask, and I brush my lips against hers again.
When she pulls back she tells me to close my eyes again and now I'm slightly alarmed. "There's more?"
"Two more." She murmurs and I'm perplexed. "Rose thats -"
"Close your eyes." She demands.
I swallow all the protests welling up in me. She did not need to spend money on me, certainly not a lot of money, this time alone together is all I would have wished for.
A hefty box is placed in my lap and she says I can look.
Belgium chocolates from the market that are expensive, far too expensive.
"Roza...this is too much." I say quietly.
"No, it's not. It's chocolate, really good chocolate from our day together and, yano, I want to spend my money on the people I care about." I can't believe the generosity and the kindness she exudes. Someone who should, by nurture, be gathering everything they can for themselves, afraid it will be taken away but she just wants to give. To me, to the children, to the girls, to Ben, and even Spiridon who has shown her the least amount of kindness.
She deserves so much and I need to give it to her.
She picks at the blanket with a coy smile. "And, well, I'm hoping you'll share with me."
A laugh bursts from my lips and she lights up at it. I pull her in again and thank her between kisses. I could kiss her all day.
"Last one." She exhales and the nerves are back, locking up her shoulders.
I close my eyes without prompt and a few seconds pass before she tells me I can open them.
A little black box sits between us. She's pinching her fingers in her lap and immediately I reach for her hands. She looks away embarrassed and I lift her knuckles to my lips. She takes a deep breath and gently pulls them back.
"Open it." She urges, lacing her fingers together. I want to say something to reassure her but nothing comes to mind because I don't know what it is. Carefully I lift it and glance at her as my finger pry off the lid.
She looks ready to spring off her seat and it causes a foreign flutter in my stomach.
Nestled in black satin is a small silver Slavonic cross.
I stare at it, that feeling of longing and nostalgia rising quickly and unruled. The cross that hung around my grandmother's neck that she's touch when she was thoughtful, happy, or worried. She would let me hold it for safekeeping when she needed to do something and didn't want it to catch.
The same cross that stood above the treeline when we'd navigated the gorge and scaled the treacherous rock side. It marked the midpoint of the field exam, an abandoned church, a shelter even if it wouldn't provide much warmth, fires were out of the question. It pointed the way north. The way to finally having something to show for all the hard work I'd been putting in and the internal battles I had waged every day to master every instinct I had. Only five of us made it that far. I think it was the only time Spiridon's ever genuinely smiled at me.
It's not a religious symbol for me but it means just as much, a token attached to so many memories and events in my life that I hadn't realised before.
I swallow and gently lift it out.
Rose shifts nervously in her seat, palms pressed together in her lap. "I thought….well I thought it could be a lot of things. You said your grandmother has one and I know you miss her, you miss them so much so it's a way I could bring them to you. I thought that it's silver so it could protect you, I know that's stupid and it's not a weapon but my mothers necklace always felt like she was with me, trying to protect me. I wanted you to feel like I was with you when I can't be and that I need you to be safe. I need you to come back to me because…if I'm your home then it can point the way back like it did for those travellers."
The emotion is like a pressure that needs out and an exhale pushes past my lips. How do I have this? How do I have this inconceivably beautiful creature who sees into my very soul and knows how to soothe it and satisfies its needs?
"If you don't like it you don't have to wear it. I -"
Her face is between my hands. Those beautiful eyes, a brown so rich they shine like freshly polished wood, search my face for my reaction, doubt still in them.
I need to tell her before it rips from me, a force in itself that demands to be known.
RPOV
There's an urgency in his eyes, the intensity that's been there before but now ablaze. It calls to something in me. Something that's been flourishing and thriving without my control, without me wanting to control it, willing to let it grow because it's strong and full of light. That feeling rises now demanding to be recognised.
It thrills me.
It's a lot, maybe too much.
How can one body contain this?
"Roza." He breathes deeply before smiling. "You've given me something that commemorates my family, my life before – shedding light to things that have long been in the shadows, memories I'd forgotten. Not only have you given me that back but you're giving me something so I am reminded to come back to you, that you'll always want me to."
A relieved noise leaves my throat as the feeling relishes at his words, in that look in his face and the conviction in his voice.
Something in me whispers to ask him why.
"Nobody has...tried to protect me before." He says and my heart twists.
"It's engraved." I whisper, needing to give him more, and the hand cradling the cross to my cheek pulls back so he can inspect it. I see him take it in, eyebrows raising as emotion touches his face.
"For you." He reads.
"Because I am."
His dark eyes lift to mine and in that suspended second I know what the feeling is. I know for certain what it is and astonishment steals my breath away.
Then he's kissing me, a long hard kiss that presses me backward into the couch as he holds my face in one hand and the other holds a token of what he means to me.
I want him. I want all of him in every possible way.
The humming in my blood crests into singing as his hot tongue slides against mine and he groans into my mouth. My fingers pull at the bottom of his jumper, sliding it up over all those hypnotizing lines and planes.
He breaks away.
"No, no, no." He chants quietly, more to himself than to me I think, and pulls back.
"What?" I sit up as he inhales deeply, face flushed. I'd be offended if it didn't look like he was trying, desperately, to pull himself together. He runs a hand through his hair as he looks down the cross.
He exhales and smiles tightly. "I'm not done saying everything I need to say."
Oh.
He holds up the chain between us. "Would you?"
I nod, taking the thread of silver from him and slipping it around his neck to fasten. He holds his hair off his neck and when I've got the clasp I brush my lips over the skin adorned with so much ink and he shivers. Every mark was a reason I needed to give him something to protect him, something to remind him to come back.
It hangs low, long enough he can hide it beneath his shirt.
I'm plotting to swing my leg over his lap when he takes both my hands and kisses them. "My turn."
He retrieves my gifts, disappearing upstairs for a few minutes, as I marvel at how seconds ago my blood was singing but now shyness settles over my shoulders.
"Would you like to close your eyes?" He asks, smirking slightly but I think he's nervous. Or maybe it's just me.
I might combust but I find myself nodding. I shut my eyes and the quiet rustle of things being put down between us repeats.
This is...like being as intimate as we had when we're naked and pressed together. It's like our souls or inner selves are stripped and truly vulnerable. Our feelings being expressed in things we'd seen that had made us think of them, hoping the meaning comes across.
"Alright." He says quietly.
In front of me are three separate piles. A smile splits my face at the first, books. Shyly I glance at him as I pick up the first one to inspect, he's rigid – definitely nervous, and his lips tilt up as our eyes meet.
"Modern wonders of the world." I read off the cobalt blue cover. I flip through it and feel myself falling in. Ancient stone monoliths, triangular stone monuments surrounded in sand, oceans, buildings shaped unlike anything I've ever seen, people decorated in paint and wearing piercing of what look like bone, beaches of white sand against sunrises of nectarine as turtles lay their eggs…
"I thought you would read more about the world and possibly find places you'd want to see for yourself."
My fingers stroke over the blue and orange, the dreaming place in my mind racing. "I want to see the ocean."
"So then we will."
I lift my eyes to his and I know it's not an empty promise.
How can one body contain this, all of this? The dreams, the promises, the feeling of light and wonder filling your chest, the excitement and the anticipation.
"Okay." I agree, nervous to say anything more.
The other books make me giggle, Harry Potter.
The next gift is wrapped in brown paper and the weight of it surprises me when I pick it up. I unwrap it and the air whooshes out of me in glee.
"You went back for it!"
The snow globe of Montana. The place that was the start of my new normal, the right normal, the place I'd finally started to live. I tip it and the snow tumbles inside - the phantom smell of pine and a snatch of bubbly laughter flit through my head.
"I had to find something to do when you were bored of me." He jokes quietly.
"It's a good thing we went to that market. Otherwise, we'd only be exchanging hair ties and books."
His fingers touch the pendant at his chest and I am in danger of combusting. He loves it, he wants to wear it, he's wearing something from me that conveys the things that are too big and complex for me to say.
"Hair ties are very important to me." He says.
I grin and pick up the last gift, a very small white box. I raise my eyebrows at him as I take off the lid and he's gone very still again.
I feel my expression slip, the smile dropping as awe and confusion take over.
A fine, delicate gold ring sits proudly in the black cushion. The crown of the band becomes two thin threads crossing over each other, weaving together to become one.
I can't connect my mind to my mouth. I can't process what I'm holding because this is one of the rings from the stand, a promise ring.
I look up at him needing answers. He's already promised so many things…
"It's engraved." He says quietly.
I swallow and gently take it out. On the inner band is Cyrillic script – I recognise it from documents he would pour over to translate or notes Ben would take when on the phone.
"What does it say?" I whisper.
"Moya lyubov."
I trace the engraving 'моя любовь' and finally make myself look at him. "What does it mean?"
He exhales, his expression becoming soft, tension leaving his shoulders as if he's made a decision.
Air comes slowly in and out.
"My love."
DPOV
"Both what you are and what you have." I say, finally.
Roza's eyes widen and her lips part. The start of the look she had on the mountain before the wonder-filled those brown eyes but all I see now is disbelief.
Is it really that much of a surprise? Could she not already know or suspect?
I reach out slowly and brush her cheek with my thumb, her eyes following the movement before coming back to mine.
"I love you, Rose. I loved you yesterday and the day before. I will love you tomorrow and every day after." I exhale, the weight of holding it in finally lifting. I smile softly at her and she looks at me almost pleadingly, needing me to explain.
"How could I not? You wouldn't look at me in question if you did. You aren't aware of how extraordinary you are. You don't see how your face lights up when you discover something new or master that of what you set your mind to. You don't see how loyal and how fiercely courageous you are. You don't realise how funny and generous you are?" I take a deep, steadying breath.
"You are a devastatingly beautiful woman and I am so completely for you, so undeniably in love with you and that every day I wrestle with the knowledge you deserve so much in this life and wonder how I can give it to you."
Those velvet eyes had begun to shine and now they spill over. I brush her cheeks with my thumbs.
"Moya lyubov, my life, my Roza. I don't just exist anymore, with you I am alive and I feel everything I thought I never could. Everything I thought had been hammered out of me. You, who have survived the unimaginable and still have an immeasurable kindness, so much warmth. I used to think to be strong meant to not feel and to not care, to be removed and I was wrong. That makes a person weaker."
Her breath catches and more tears fall. I smooth them away.
"You are stronger than I have ever been. You have so much potential and you will become a force to be reckoned with...and I
" Her shoulders jerk with a sob and her eyes close. I gather her to me and her arms wind around my neck, fingers clutching my shoulders.
"I love you. I am utterly, completely, and desperately in love with you." I tell her, stroking the back of her head and holding her tighter.
I'd promised Janine I would keep her safe but would also make sure she was happy. She had to know someone else loved her, that someone else was willing to protect her no matter what and would try to give her everything.
Her sobs subside to short stuttering breaths and I rub her back.
"I don't expect anything, Roza. This is not to be a burden."
Her grip tightens and I feel her tears against my neck.
"I love you."
I needed her to know and now she does.
RPOV
It's too much for one body to contain, one heart to bear, there's so much of it and it's its own force now.
His words... I need to gather up and lock them away, take them out when things are bad to make them good again and when things are good unlock them still to relish in just how wonderful life can be.
One hand strokes my head as the other fastens around my waist. My knees tuck to his hips, my cheek laying where it's supposed to be.
"You are everything to me." He murmurs, the feeling inside intensifying and expanding. I can't think around it. I can hardly breathe around it. "And if you are for me for one year or one hundred, I will show you every day. I will always come home."
'Then there is that, that I am sure of...'
'I am for you.'
'You are everything to me.'
'Boyfriend'
'Home is where you are.'
'I love you.'
It's like trying to hold the sky or the weight of the ocean – trying to take in what he's said, what I mean to him, what he feels for me.
And I'd known, some part of me had known and hoped but hadn't been ready for the sheer brilliance of it. The brilliance of our bond blazing so bright and strong it borders pain. Starlight burning eternally against the dark through the good and the bad.
The silver at his throat catches the light and I press my lips over it.
"I overwhelmed you." He says quietly.
"Not...not in a bad way."
"I mean it, Roza. I don't expect anything more. This is enough." He says softly in my ear.
Except it isn't. Not for me, not now.
Slowly I sit up and bring my hand between us, the ring clutched in my palm. He wipes at my damp cheeks as I look at the engraving.
"That's why she didn't charge me" I realise aloud. I look up from the gold in my hand to the one in his eyes. "You'd already gotten this and she recognised me when I came back." He smiles and he's more open to me than he's ever been. "This is why you've been different."
"I suppose it is." He says, still smiling.
"Was it because of last week….because of-"
"No, no, before then but that made it so much harder to hold back." His gaze roams over my face with pride. "I thought I must have slipped and hit my head, some wild dream coming true."
'I have thought of us like that…'
He loves me. He's for me. He makes my blood sing and draws out the parts of me that drive me to keep trying, to be bold. I regard the delicate band that represents so much.
He squeezes my hips lightly, drawing my eyes back to his. "If it's too much to bear, you don't have to wear it."
I breathe around the feelings, heavier than the ocean, vaster than the sky. "It isn't. It's...freeing."
He looks the happiest I've ever seen him and it takes the wind out of me. This beautiful, magnetic, unshakeable force of a man loves me. He'd told me something that takes so much courage, courage I'm struggling to dredge up in my still half-stunned state, and he'd been prepared for me not to be ready for it. And I know if it was too much he wouldn't be upset with me, be hurt or angry – he'd understand.
"Which finger does it go on?" I ask shyly. "Does it matter?"
"Not your left. A different one will go there."
He takes it from me and slips it onto the fourth finger of my right hand. It's a little loose but it means when I touch it with my thumb I can easily twist it.
"I also thought...that when your anxious, when you play with your fingers, you would have this to focus on instead. Know that I'm with you and that I love you."
I can look down and know that he loves me.
My fingers rip free so I can take his face and crash my lips to his. I push him back until I'm lying over him needing to be as close as possible, needing more of him than I have already.
Earlier I'd been so giddy that we'd gotten those titles but those titles were proof for other people of what we are. It had been exciting to feel I was experiencing something all those characters in movies and books had but it didn't fit us, those titles, they weren't enough. Those characters fell in and out of relationships. Lissa and Natalie spoke of people that did the same thing like it was a trivial thing, something to take for granted, and maybe that's okay for those people because they've never known this.
Nothing compared to this.
We are not a trivial thing.
He'd told me not many people have this. He'd told me it wasn't like this with other people.
Anyone could have those relationship titles but not everyone could have this.
This, that felt like I was capable of anything when I was with him and when I left him the thought of him gave me strength. That when I'm close to folding in he knows and keeps me anchored. This, in which he knows to push me without pushing me too far – to try. This, in which I can sense what he's feeling when he's unreadable. This, where I know he has a fire inside him too that dares, that likes the thrill, that's always told him to fight back.
These kisses are different, more intense, more meaningful, just more after his confession. Every other second the truth that he loves me bursts through my mind and it makes me pull at him, grip tighter, rock my hips against his. Every act from me causes a reaction, his hands run roughly over every curve and he makes these satisfied noises in his throat and I chase them.
DPOV
I could die from kissing her. Truly die and be happy. Kissing has never been so intense, so giving and so rewarding.
She knows and she didn't fold in, didn't retreat but met it and let it draw a reaction out of her that she didn't hide. She shows me new ways to admire her every day. How could she have thought of herself as weak facing what she has? Fighting back both internally and physically.
Devastatingly beautiful, inconceivable brave, and astonishingly strong. The woman I love and the woman I am for.
She grinds her hips into me and it unleashes something. I sit up and twist us so I have her under me. Those full lips are swollen, chocolate eyes dark under her lashes as she runs her hands over my shoulders and onto my neck where the smooth metal rests.
I love this woman.
And that is everything.
The silver chain dangles between us and her eyes drop to it.
'For you'
"Because I am."
I dip my face to hers, kissing her long and soft. Wanting to savour this and to remind her that I don't expect, that it doesn't have to lead anywhere else. She matches the pace but coaxes me down so I settle some of my weight on her and she sighs happily.
Outside the storm wraps around the house and keeps the rest of the world out.
Her dainty fingers are suddenly skimming against my stomach, having slipped under my jumper, and memories come in a torrent. Her face turned up to the shower spray as her hands moved down her body, trailing over the curves I'd thought about so many times in that exact space. How enchanted I am by her breasts... how soft, round, and perfect they are, how they fit in my hands and somehow taste sweet. How she sounds when she comes on my fingers or my tongue, with her cheeks flushed and lips parted. How she looks at me from under her lashes when she has me in her mouth and I feel like I'm at the gates of heaven.
Her hands slip around to my back and her nails press in.
"Dimitri." She exhales, her breathing almost harsh. "You're everything to me too."
Winter berries, vanilla, brown velvet eyes – my home.
RPOV
My fingers glide through the dark strands of his hair. His head is in my lap and he's fallen asleep which means I have one of my favourite past times – appreciating.
He loves me.
This man loves me.
This man who came into my life like a force of nature, ready to fight for me, that gave me choices from the start, who almost died for me, who gives me sunrises and Christmas markets...loves me. This man who's given me his love to wear as a reminder and to calm me when I'm anxious. This man who knows I'm for him and wears a token as proof, with pride.
And the feeling inside me, the force inside of me that's taken over, wanting out, wanting wanting wanting.
I'd almost told him earlier after the deep burning kisses, after I'd been remembering how different and alluring his body was when it was wet, after he'd flipped us over and then kissed me so tenderly. I'd told him he was everything to me, ready to tell him why, but the way he'd looked at me nearly made me cry all over again.
It's so important to have someone look at you like that – like you're all that matters.
I love him. And how could I not?
He'd smiled softly, whispered 'my love' before pressing his lips to mine in one long kiss. Then he'd rested his head against mine and I almost said it again but he beat my courage, suggesting we put on a movie and open his chocolates. Ten minutes into it and he fell asleep. I'm pretty sure it's nearly over now but I haven't been paying attention. Too busy appreciating, thinking, burning, and wanting.
Thinking about how much I want him. Thinking about my new normal, the right normal, and about all my firsts. Thinking about how I love him and it will never be like this with anyone else. How I trust him completely and feel so safe with him.
Appreciating the silk of his hair and how the red threads catch the golden glow of the Christmas lights. His face so relaxed in sleep, finding peace here with me. How he's so, so crushingly handsome.
Wanting to strengthen that bond he said sex should. Wanting to be as close to him as possible, physically and emotionally, feeling the intense pleasure together. I want him to show me what sex is like with someone that loves me.
Burning for the man that looks at me like I'm a wonder of the world, that makes me feel so powerful and captivating in my body. Who's shown me how to strengthen and defend it. Burning for the groans he makes and how it turns my blood molten. Burning for him to soothe aches only he can.
And I know that if I want to stop, if I change my mind, then we will and it will be okay.
My fingers slide to the base of his neck and knead the tension there. A pleased sigh leaves him and I smile.
This man, who barely fits on this huge sofa, who hides chocolate around the house, who's intuitive, thoughtful, and caring, who loves 80s music and hides his humour, I love him.
I wait for the movie to end and lift the remote to the TV to turn it off.
Now it's just the silence, the golden lights, and what I haven't told him.
"Dimitri." I say, rubbing at his shoulder. "Dimitri, wake up."
He resists at first and it's adorable. I give him a gentle shake and he turns over, pressing his face into my stomach.
"I know you're awake." I say, playfully and he mumbles something I can't make out. "C'mon, let's go to bed."
He doesn't move.
"Am I supposed to sleep sitting up?"
No answer.
I take a deep breath. "And here I am thinking that because you love me you'll -"
His face turns to me in one quick jerk, a glint in his eye. "You were thinking what because I love you?"
My heart skips and I feel my face heat. "That...you won't let me get a crick in my neck."
He chuckles and pushes himself up. "No, I wouldn't."
We turn out the lights and the wind howls outside and I shiver thinking of the psi hounds that used to stalk the Arizona treeline. It sounds almost the same but I try to think of it as the storm protecting us, keeping everyone away, and giving us time alone.
On the landing he pulls me to him, kissing me long and hard, setting flames skittering over my hips and thighs.
"I need to go check the security systems. I'll be in soon." He murmurs, kissing me softly again before padding down the hall.
I wash my face, mascara taking forever to come off, and un-braid my hair. I think about undressing, changing into my pyjamas but what would be the point? I don't want to be in anything.
I scoot to the middle of my bed and cross my legs, waiting.
He comes in after a few minutes and my stomach flutters as he's already pulling off his belt.
"Hi."
"Hello." He smirks, closing the door behind him. He doesn't lock it. "Are you sleeping in your clothes?"
I take a deep breath. "You asked me once if you could undress me. I thought I'd give you the opportunity."
There's a subtle shift in the air as there is in his expression and I grin. He continues his slow path to the bedside and pauses there, dark eyes intent on my face and they draw me up onto my knees to meet him.
My hands go to his waist and he lifts a lock of my hair, running it through his fingers.
"That counts as another present." He says quietly and that want, that need increases in my blood, travelling to the points that want attention. "We are definitely out of balance. I'll have to rectify that."
Anticipation thrums through me.
He loves me, this man loves me and we are definitely out of balance the longer I hold this in.
"I do want something back." I say, running my hands up his chest to his shoulders. His eyes are the darkest chocolate, the kind that's too rich to eat in large amounts. "I want you."
"You have me." He answers, face softening.
I shake my head, face starting to warm, and gather my words. "I want you to show me what it's like. I want you to show me what it's like with someone that loves me and who means the most to me. I want to know you in every way. I want to have sex with you."
DPOV
"Roza…"
Those eyes look at me with complete openness, no fear, no hesitancy. "I want to do this with you. I want to do everything with you. Making dinner, hikes, ice-skating, and seeing the ocean… I want this too."
I take her face in my hands. "It doesn't have to be tonight."
"I know that." She says, gaze unwavering. Her hands come up to cover mine. "What are you thinking?"
"I...don't want you to regret it. I don't want you to feel in any way this is an expectancy."
She turns her face to kiss my palm and another part of me that had been made of stone cracks. "I trust you. I want you. I remember my promise, if I want to stop I'll tell you."
I can't move.
She kisses my wrist and her hands drop to my waistband to tug me closer.
I swallow. "Roza, are you sure?"
She smiles up at me in a way I've never been looked at before like I'm all that matters. "Yes."
This wouldn't just be a first for her but me too. It's never meant something before, it's never been more than just release or fun. It's never been important. I've never been in love and this wouldn't just be sex, I would be showing her another way of which I love her.
"And you promise if you want to st-"
"Yes." She says, a hint of impatience in her voice that makes me relax. I draw her to me, those curves pressing against my torso and desire rockets through my blood. "Show me."
RPOV
He kisses me, a hard press of lips that makes me light up and my hands slide under his jumper, urging it up. He breaks away to pull it over his head and I press kisses to his skin, those hard planes, his collar bone, and his throat. I feel him unzip my skirt and push it down so it pools around my knees. I lean back and hold up my arms and marvel at how his face is somehow tender and yet intense. He's worried and he doesn't need to be.
He gathers the material at the hem and pulls it up. It gets caught for a moment around my head and I start laughing. When I get free my hair spills down over my shoulders and back, the main source of why the material resisted.
"I have too much hair." I grin, pushing it out of my face.
"I love it." He says with a small smile and I reach for the button of his jeans.
"Is there anything you don't love about me?"
I'd intended it as a joke but as soon as I say it there's more weight to it than I intended.
"No." He responds simply, his fingers trailing over my shoulder, down to my chest where my heart beats.
"No?" I pop open the button and push his pants down. "Not even just something you like rather than love?"
He chuckles. "Maybe I only like how you make fettuccine alfredo."
I gasp. "I knew I added too much cream."
We laugh quietly for a brief moment and then he kisses me as steps out of his jeans. I nip his bottom lip as my fingers rake down those dips and lines of his stomach and he parts his lips for me. My tongue sweeps at the open seam as my hand passes the waistband of his boxers and he makes that low groaning sound that I love, the one that wants, the one that means I'm teasing him.
I dip my tongue past his lips as I feel how much he wants me, the hard length of him contained in his boxers. His grip on my hair tightens as he kisses me and sets my blood on fire. His fingers whisper over my back, over my scars, my ribs, fingertips tracing the swell of my chest before they slide around my jaw.
He breaks away, looking down at me intently as he cradles my face. I could fall into the depths of his gaze.
"I love you." He vows.
"Show me." I whisper.
I move out of his hold, crawling back to the middle of the bed and he follows.
His knee rests between my legs and with hooded eyes he leans forward to hook his fingers into the waistband of my tights. He peels them off and tosses them away. I shimmy round until my heads near the pillows.
The ache demands I press my thighs together or reach between them. The ache that I'd had more constantly this past week, trying to soothe it with my touch and with creative inspiration from the book Natalie had given me, or I would replay the last time we were together. Vividly remembering how his tongue and touch could make my body sing.
Dimitri crawls after me, dipping to kiss just below my knee and trailing kisses up the length of my leg to my stomach. Up until he's between my breasts where his tongue joins in and I'm becoming too hot in my skin. When he reaches my throat I'm on fire and eager to bring his mouth to mine. Every brush of exposed skin is electrifying and yet not enough.
His hand slides under me and I arch up to give him access to unclip my bra.
A thin wave of shyness films me as the material unlatches from my body. It's quickly erased as he kisses me gently, reassuringly, one hand stroking my side from hip to waist and reminding me there's no rush. His kisses tempt the fire back, letting it lead. I moan as his tongue slides against mine and my hips shift searching for contact. I pull off the slack material and push it away. A pleased hum leaves his throat as his lips descend, dipping to my neck and down.
"Definitely another present." He whispers.
My lips twitch but then my breath catches as he moves lower, teeth grazing the peak before closing his mouth over it. His tongue rolls against the sensitive tip and gently he sucks, teases until the sensation is more taunting to that ache in my underwear. The cool silver of the pendant tickles my stomach as my fingers fasten into his hair. His mouth leaves me and cool air meets the damp spot before his tongue flicks out.
"Dimitri." A demand and a plea.
He kisses there once more before trailing a path over to the other side and giving it the same treatment.
The ache between my thighs is almost unbearable and I roll my hips into the bed. His hand glides over my skin with purpose until he cups me. The pressure I need, a small taste of the pleasure it can give, and I bear down on it.
"So impatient." He chides, coming back to my mouth. There's a predatory purpose on his face. "You need to be ready for me. We have to take our time."
I inhale deeply. "I am ready."
He hums in curiosity. "Are you?"
The hand pressing against me eases so his fingers can brush over the molten part of my being. The materials damp and raw desire flickers across his face.
"I like to be thorough." He murmurs against my lips.
He kisses me softly as he yanks aside my underwear and skims over where I need him to touch.
DPOV
I love her.
I love how she looks at me, how she tastes, how she sounds, how her perfect curves fit to my lines, how she says my name, and how she wants to share this experience with me.
I love her growing confidence. I love how she tells me what she wants and more or less demands it.
I love wet and responsive she is.
I am completely ruined for her.
My fingers stroke lazily, teasingly, before brushing over her clit. She makes that noise in her throat and I can't help but smile against her mouth. I move my fingers in slow circles, lifting and applying pressure, watching her face flush and her breathing turn to pants.
"Roza." I coax and her eyes pry open the smallest bit. "Have you been touching yourself like this?" She hesitates before nodding and that primal instinct purrs. "Good. Tell me what you want."
One simple word drops from her lips.
"More."
A delighted smirk etches onto my face as I drift down to her entrance. I grip the covers in response to the drenched heat I find and I try to centre myself. I ease two fingers into her, testing slowly before drawing out and easing back in, thumb grazing over her clit.
Her head pushes into the pillow and I kiss the exposed skin under her ear.
"You are so beautiful. So devastatingly beautiful." I tell her and she whimpers.
The tightness relaxes around my touch and I plunge my fingers in, eliciting a short cry from her before she bites into the pillow.
That won't do.
I grasp her chin and wait until she looks at me. "I want to hear you."
Those doe eyes darken as I drag my thumb over her bottom lip. My fingers resume their duty.
Rose moans and I'm enthralled. I watch rapt at how she writhes, how her breath catches, and how her nails dig into my forearm, a strict warning to not take it away. For a moment I look down between us and the sight of her hips rolling to meet my touch stuns me.
I want to be kneeling between her legs, watching her take what she wants from me with a full view of her beautiful, slick sex.
Her breasts bounce slightly as she bears down against my hand, peeking at me from under lashes and I'm released from my suspended state. I am so hard I am in pain, desperate, craving. There are so many things I want to do with her, show her, find out what she loves most so I can do it over and over.
"That's it." I encourage.
RPOV
I open my eyes briefly so I can locate his mouth and then crash mine to it. He groans and it sends another wave of pleasure through me, building, getting to that place where it will unleash.
This is what I want to feel in unison with him. I want everything I'm feeling to be reflected on his face, in his sounds and his touch.
I break away from his mouth to breathe, the only thing I can do as I'm propelled toward the edge. He lowers himself over me so I feel his chest brush against mine. He cusses when I pant his name, my blood molten, the world narrowed to his touch as he moves in and out of me, my hips bucking to meet his strokes and my skin feverish.
"Idi za mnoy."
It sounds like a command.
My back arches, half a scream getting caught in my throat as the pleasure crests and bursts through me in intense pulses. The multi-coloured Christmas lights flash behind my eyelids, pin-wheeling, and blurring, as citrus clouds my mind.
He guides me through the rise and fall of it, pumping in and out slowly as my thighs tremble.
I'm boneless and full of bliss.
DPOV
I shift to lie beside her, mesmerised by her face. The blush against the tan of her skin, her parted lips, the spill of her hair around her. I trace her hip and she stirs, tilting her chin up in a silent ask and I lean forward to answer. She kisses me in between shallow breaths and after a few minutes, she pulls at my waist.
I move back into my position from before and she tugs down the last piece of clothing separating us.
"Roza." I breathe, pushing up to look at her properly. "Are you sure?"
Her eyes roam over my face and I swear the brown somehow gets warmer, inviting, loving. "Yes."
I swallow. "Please, tell me if -"
"I will."
I nod and inhale deeply.
Her hands leave my hips to frame my face. "Dimitri, I want this. I want this so much with you. Stop worrying, please."
"I don't deserve you." I admit.
She smiles softly and it's so easy to believe she loves me too. "Yes, you do."
How can a heart feel this much? Or maybe...maybe now I truly understand what they're built for.
She draws me down to her. This overwhelming love I have for her, this light that fills everything bleak before merges with raw primal need. I have to remember to be slow, to pause, to listen to any cues she gives me.
I kneel back and she pushes down her underwear. I draw the material over her ankles and throw it away. She sits up and pulls down my boxers, kissing my hip and my eyes close.
How new this is, how intimate, how much it means - it's humbling.
She draws me back down and I kick away my boxers, kissing her slowly and unexpectedly she reaches between us to grip me. I nearly collapse. Air rushes out of my lungs and I go rigid.
"Rose." I sound strangled.
Her eyes round and she lets go. "Sorry, I thought...sorry."
Inhale. Exhale.
"That feels... too good and I need to concentrate." I manage to get out.
She presses her lips together, trying to suppress a smile and I focus on breathing.
God, how many times had I thought about this?
I brace on my forearm as I reach between our hips. Even my touch feels good, I don't know how I'm going to survive this.
She kisses me gently as if to calm me – me.
The head of my cock brushes down the seam of her and I shudder at the sensation of it. The most sensitive part of me gliding against the slick warmth of her until I reach her entrance.
I might die.
My forehead rests against hers. "I love you."
Her arms are wrapped around me, hands pressed to my shoulder blades as her calves brush my hips. "I know."
Slowly I ease the tip in and she exhales.
RPOV
I'm trying to keep my body relaxed. I read that if you tense up it will make it hurt which makes sense, if your muscles are rigid they can't expand and adapt. Like if you freeze a rubber band you can't stretch it or it will snap.
He swallows again and I kiss his jaw. His hips gently ease forward and I focus on breathing, trying not to tense but then there's a resistance, a pressure, and I'm too aware of how different it feels from his touch. It's more, it's a lot more.
He pauses, sensing it too, and I'm glad because I need to focus. I force myself to relax, to become my breathing. The side of my foot rubs against his hamstring, testing the motion, and also trying to reassure him and myself.
He inhales and moves again, still slowly but the resistance intensifies. My nails dig into his shoulders and he stills.
"Roza?" He asks, low and controlled.
It doesn't ease and I don't know why I thought it would, he is...big. He said there would be a bit of pain, the books said the same, that she experienced being 'uncomfortable' at first. I can handle a little bit of pain, especially if it means getting something that's going to make it worth it.
"I'm okay." I murmur. "Promise."
He remains still and then tilts his face to brush his lips against mine. His hips sink forward and I gasp as a sting lances through me.
"I'm sorry." I hear him say as I wince. It's like salt on a paper cut but sharper because it's somewhere I've never felt pain before. I breathe around it, through it, and my nails dig into his skin. "I love you. I'm sorry."
I breathe, eyes screwed shut, concentrating and unable to respond to him apologising again and kissing my temple. It takes a few minutes but slowly the stings flare tempers down.
I open my eyes needing to see him.
Burnt gold in the earth. A night sky with honeyed stars. The calm and steady presence when everything around me is volatile.
"I'm okay." I breathe. "I'm with you, I'm okay."
I press my heels in again, this time encouraging him. He inhales deeply and pushes further. The sting is still there but I try to ignore it. Further, further, he shifts on his arms, further, and then he stops, hips finally aligned with mine. The sting is an irritating presence in the background to my heart hammering and his short-shallow breaths.
I stroke the back of his neck and kiss his cheek. The cool tickle of silver between my breasts and my other hand slips down to press my palm over his heart. It's hammering too. His nose skims my cheekbone as he brings his lips to mine.
"I love you." He says again before he moves.
DPOV
This is the most intense, nerve-wrecking, and euphoric moment of my life. Guilt is also there as it's not the same for her, not yet.
I ease back and then in, nearly buckling at how good she feels. So warm, wet, and gripping me in the best way. I repeat the motion, staying slow and controlled and she lets out this breathy sigh that does not help my concentration.
I love her.
I am completely hers.
RPOV
Overwhelming. That's how I'd describe sex. Overwhelming.
The sting has subsided so I barely notice it now but what's overwhelming is this is happening. I am having sex with a man, a man who loves me, a man I love and haven't told, and there's this new pressure inside where's never been pressure before. All I can do is breathe and feel this with him.
It's not a bad feeling, it's not a bad experience and a part of me I didn't even realise had been worried is relieved. I still feel safe. I am the most vulnerable I have ever been but I'm safe.
He kisses my neck, my cheek, my temple as his hips move in precise motions. I can smell citrus and snow on his skin and taste the faint trace of chocolate on his lips. My eyes flutter open and I take in his body above me – the sharp V of his hips as they roll forwards and then back, the thick band of his arms, my knees tucked to his sides, my fingers digging into his shoulder blades and feeling the muscles shift beneath his skin.
Something flickers in the depths of my belly.
I tilt my head seeking his mouth and he immediately provides it. Experimentally I tilt my hips up to meet his.
"Oh."
"Oh?" Dimitri says on a strained breath. One of his hands ghosts down to my hip and he angles it up. When he moves I feel him sink deeper and the flicker ignites. "Does that feel good?"
I can only nod against his lips. He pushes back and the hand on my hip snakes under so he can lift them. He grabs one of the pillows from behind my head and pushes it under the small of my back so I'm tilted at an angle. He settles back over me and holds my gaze when his hips roll forward.
I gasp as the pressure transforms, making the hum in my blood lift in tempo.
"Better?" He asks, hips setting a pace and spurring on that feeling.
"Yes." I gasp, my fingers raking over his skin.
A satisfied noise emits from his chest, a flush spreading across his cheeks and it's all I can do to keep my eyes open as the pleasure builds with every stroke. Our eyes lock, we share breath until it overwhelms me and I'm dragged under all the things I'm feeling. Pleasure that's intertwining with the fullness in my heart, the love and possessive pride in his eyes. The burning and aching are becoming one thing that makes me claw at him wanting him closer and causing me to make noises that I've never heard before.
My heart is thundering, desperately expanding, wildly flourishing to accommodate just how much I love him.
I turn my head to kiss and bite into his arm, my last effort to keep the words held back.
DPOV
If being inside her is euphoria then hearing her enjoy it, watching pleasure pass over her face, is fucking intoxicating. It's what's helping me hold onto my control, wanting to give her more and needing this to be good for her.
Her mouth is fastened to the arm braced by her head and I move it away not wanting those moans dulled.
"Roza, look at me." I coax
I slow, it almost kills me, and her eyes pry open. That blush is burning across her face and I'll never forget this, how she looks, how she feels, what this means.
"Do you know just how amazing you feel?" I whisper. To emphasise I sink right in to the hilt and rotate my hips, brushing against her clit. A mewling noise leaves her lips as her eyes close, pleasure rippling across her face.
The hand in my hair tightens and I lick her bottom lip. She immediately claims my mouth, kissing me desperately. I forget about being in control. My hips drive forward out of pure instinct and need, craving the sensation of her. She groans into my mouth as my tongue slides over hers.
"Ohmygod." She gasps, breaking away.
I pull her hand away from my back. I take her index and middle finger into my mouth and draw them out, ensuring they're slick.
RPOV
I can feel the promise of the shattering, it's like a blanket I want to pull around me but I can't quite do it. I can't let go completely like I have before when we pleasure each other. My mind will suddenly highlight what we're doing and I'll be overwhelmed – to then only be dragged under how he's making me feel, how him being inside me is lighting up parts I didn't know were there.
His movements relax as he draws my fingers out of my mouth and I'm too dazed to even wonder what he's doing.
He guides my hand between us.
"Touch yourself." He says, low and rough as his hips roll again in one smooth motion.
I try to focus. "T-touch myself?"
He hums again, that delicious growl-like noise from low in his throat. He braces his free arm by my head, creating a little more space between our bodies. "I want to feel you come around me."
His words send flames licking over my skin.
My fingers obey, travelling down my stomach and he moves incredibly slow, every inch of him retreating out of me until just the tip of him remains. I reach that sensitive spot and tentatively rub. Sparks spit at the edge of my vision and distantly I hear myself whine. Dimitri slides back in, one smooth motion, with a groan of primal delight.
He resumes his pace, murmuring encouraging words as my fingers create a whirlpool of pleasure in sync with his strokes. My heels dig into his lower back, needing, burning, craving. I'm lost, pulled under the tide. All I can sense is him, all I can feel is us and what we're doing together. I think I say his name in desperation, in pleading, in gratitude as that familiar feeling climbs. We move together and blindly I grope for his hand by my head and he locks our fingers.
"I love you." He grits out, voice strained.
I love you too.
I kiss him, a messy hot kiss of teeth, tongue, and panting until I'm suddenly on the precipice of the unknown and the familiar. My fingers work faster, my heart trips over its wild beating and he cusses in my ear.
My back arches as I reach the edge and I cry out as I'm flung over. Stars and light shatter through my body, eclipsing any thought in my mind as the feeling pulses and rolls, claiming me. Time is suspended, seconds stretching into minutes. I hear him talking to me but words are just obscure sounds. The world is not a real place, only this feeling and the weight of his body is.
I re-surface, stunned, with my face buried in his neck. My hand has worked itself out from between us to clutch at his waist. His chest brushes against mine, our skin feverish and slick. I kiss his throat, his jaw and he leans his brow against mine and I'm captivated knowing he's close. I clutch him tighter wanting to hold him where he is and needing to see him undone with our bodies joined.
It burns on my tongue to tell him the truth but I want his full attention. When I say those words I want him to know it's not an influence of this, I want him to know I could do this because I love him and I have loved him, for a long time.
The thrust of his hips becomes faster, more erratic and I hold his gaze watching the control slip, the promise of shattering taking hold.
"Devastating." He pants.
"Drown." I beg.
I see the exact moment it takes him, see it blaze across his face as he throws his head back with a loud, long groan that ends in my name. His back bows and a rush of warmth adds to the new sensations and I feel it trickle down my inner thigh.
His hips relax to a lazy roll before stopping. I wrap myself tighter to him as tremors pass through his body.
DPOV
Slowly, I re-enter my body and it's shaking. I find my voice first.
"Are you alright?" I ask, needing to know. My voice is a husk of what it usually is.
"Yes." She breathes and kisses me. The barest whisper of a kiss.
I need to move off her before I collapse, my mind slowly piecing itself back together after being obliterated.
I feel myself nod, her palm rubs soothingly on my back and I release my grip, unlocking our hands. I can't feel my fingers. She brushes my hair back and I nearly fall into the touch. Another shudder racks through me and I'm an unstable structure.
"Come here." She coaxes, palm pressing me down.
I can't fight it. My face falls into the side of her neck, most of my weight settling on her. She runs her fingers through my hair and over my back. I feel the cooler brush of metal against my scalp, my love on her finger as my head rests against my home.
I give myself a minute to bask in this. Peace, complete and utter peace.
Then I force myself up to find those beautiful eyes. She smiles softly at me and my heart thrums, adapted to its new size. I press my lips to hers.
"This part might feel a little strange." I warn her quietly.
Her face creases into a question that I answer when I ease out. She blinks rapidly and I give her an apologetic look. I roll to her side and kiss her cheek before heading to the bathroom. I return with a warm damp towel and she stirs as I gently clean the inside of her thighs. I frown at the trace of blood and kiss her knee. I clean myself up in the bathroom and deposit the towel in the hamper.
She's gotten under the covers when I come out and I slide in beside her, gathering her to me.
"How do you feel?" I murmur into her hair, tracing patterns on her back.
"Safe." She replies sleepily.
RPOV
I wake in my favourite spot. My head in the crook of his shoulder, my leg between his, and my arm around his waist. I am very warm, bordering on toasty. I press a kiss to his skin and untangle myself, which alerts me to a new dull throb between my thighs. I wince as I sit up but it's not awful, more uncomfortable than anything.
I slide out of bed, pull on his jumper, and pad to the bathroom to pee. I chide myself for forgetting how important that is but I'd been too blissed out to even try to think.
Washing my hands I catch my reflection's eye and pause.
I'd had sex… and it had been wonderful. I'd had sex with a man who loves me and who I love without him knowing. It had felt surreal, then good, then incredible. Then he'd gathered me in his arms and in that place between awake and dreaming he'd told me again how much he loves me and pressed lulling kisses to my forehead.
A surprise, happy laugh bubbles past my lips and I press my hand to it, not wanting to wake him. But then, emotion rises fast and unwarranted. Tears drip down my cheeks and I wipe them away, confused. They keep coming and briefly I panic in anger that this is happening until I realise what it is.
I'm happy.
I go back to the bed and shake him awake. Immediately he sits up, concern touches his features as he reaches for me and I don't miss his gaze flitting around the room before settling on my face.
"What is it?"
I place my hands over his and hold his gaze.
"I love you too." I say, finally freeing it. His expression clears and he blinks. "I do and I have for a long time. I didn't want to tell you earlier because I didn't want you to think I was just saying it because you had. Then I didn't want you to think I was too caught up in being together but I kept thinking it over and over. Dimitri, I love you. I love you so much it hurts."
I think he's stopped breathing.
"Am...am I dreaming?"
I laugh and more tears drip off my chin. "No. I think that… I think whatever souls are made of, if we have them, you're part of mine now."
Surprise and vulnerability touch his face, an expression I've never seen him wear before. I turn into his palm, kissing the scar there. "I love you. I am for you."
His dark gaze shines, gold glimmering. He said no one had tried to protect him but I would in every way, in every lie, in every truth, with every bit of strength I possessed I would protect him.
He pulls me in and I slide easily into his lap, that dull pain an annoying guest.
"Say it again." He demands, low and velvety.
"I love you."
"Again."
I laugh and kiss him. "I love you."
He guides us back into bed and even though I'd set it free, the weight of the ocean with the vastness of the sky, the love for him has amplified. It no longer just sits in my chest but spreads through every vein and fibre, glowing incandescent - starlight. It's around us and between us, it meets the love I feel radiating from him and there isn't a force in this world that could sever it.
Hello Lovelies, the second part of this chapter will be posted soon, a continuation of being in their secluded bubble. After that is the meeting with Abe and it might be a week or two. I have a one shot and a subchapter to post on p..a..t...r..e...o...n.
Thank youuuuu for reviewing. x