Written for:
Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Psychology: Autism - bonus (use an autistic character for any prompt) - Task #2: Prompt: Write about someone who may be different, but looks the same.
I'll be honest, I'm alright with me
A/N: Autistic characters.
Written by an autistic with autistic children.
This is the first time I've intentionally written a character as autistic.
Remus doesn't realise at first. It's just little habits, he assumes. Teddy putting things in a tidy line - well, who doesn't love organisation like that? Whispering words after he's said them too. Refusal to eat certain foods. Well, doesn't everyone have that problem?
But as the months go on, things get harder to ignore that there's something else going on. The way Teddy clings to his stuffed dog is like nothing he's ever seen before. Teddy's upset when plans change.
"Just kids," Sirius tells him. "I was like that. Still am." So Remus pushes it to the back of his mind. After all, his own upbringing was very different to Teddy's upbringing. Remus was hidden away, his parents fearful of what would happen to him if his secret was found out. Encouraged not to play with others, encouraged into the more quiet activities of reading and drawing, and helping his mother do her gardening.
They're in a shop when it happens. When Remus realises that he needs to get his son out. He's looking for a computer. It's about time Sirius learned about computers and the internet, and Teddy is at his side, clicking his fingers against the keyboards and smiling at the clicking sound. He's pressing one button at a time, typing out his name, and Remus is half-watching him and half-looking at the computers. Sirius is muttering about muggle technology, but Remus knows that it's just a complaint because he didn't want to leave the house. He knows Sirius will love this.
On the next aisle, someone turns on a television, and it's loud. It startles Remus, but only because he wasn't expecting the noise. He spins around. Sirius claps his hands over his ears, looking quite upset at the noise, as does Teddy.
But as he throws his hands up, the small boy stumbles into a display of batteries, knocking the stand down. He lets out a sob, eyes scrunched and hands over ears as he crouched down.
"Oi, can you turn that down?" Sirius snaps at an approaching staff member. "It's upsetting my son. Do you have to have everything that bloody loud?"
Remus rushes over to Teddy and pulls his son into a hug. Teddy sniffles against him but he doesn't move his hands until the television sound is adjusted.
The staff mutters apologies, and Sirius takes over the hug and Remus kneels down to start helping pick up the fallen batteries.
But this isn't a good reaction, and he's sure that there's more to it.
The wizarding doctor hasn't a clue, so Remus takes him to the muggle doctor instead and talks about Teddy's behaviour. They're offered a referral, which is quick because thankfully Sirius has insisted on the expensive medical insurance that Remus has insisted that he doesn't need. (Though he was fine with Sirius putting Teddy on the insurance).
Sirius went ahead and put Remus on the insurance anyway.
Remus and Sirius sit in chairs around the side of a room, watching. Other children are there and are playing with the toys, and the doctors walk around and interact with the children. Parents are called over to the other part of the room to discuss the child's development.
"Your son is autistic," the doctor repeats gently. "Now, here is a booklet on autism and there's a group once per month." A booklet is handed over. "Do you have any questions?"
Remus has none. He's not prepared for this. He glances towards Sirius, who is frowning.
"How?" Sirius asks. "I mean… are you sure?"
The doctor nods her head. She starts to explain autism. The signs, the spectrum. She talks about high and low functioning and Remus is sure the words are going in one ear and out of the other because they're just not registering.
As though Sirius can see that Remus can't handle the extra information,he quietly informs the woman that they have no more questions.
"Great. I'll discharge you from our service."
And that's clearly that. There's no more help. They are on their own with this, and whilst Remus tells himself that they know /why/ Teddy reacts to certain things in certain ways, they are none the closer to knowing how to help him. Autism can't be explained in a few sheets of A4. He's not even sure what autism entails.
All he knows is the stereotype, which Sirius says the doctor was explaining as 'low functioning'. Remus hates these terms already.
Sirius throws himself into research on the new computer. It takes him ages to type even a single word, spending more time looking on the keyboard for a letter and also complaining that the letters are all mixed up. But still, he manages.
"Okay. Visual timetables," Sirius says, reading through something. "Instead of words, pictures."
"For school?" Remus checks. He grabs his notebook to note this down, but Sirius shakes his head. "Home too. Everywhere, really. When he needs to move on from an activity, show him the timetable to tell him what's next. Storyboards too."
Remus notes it all down. They're researching aids to help first. Sirius thought it best. Sirius even made a list of things they need to do, and he's taken on the role as researcher.
Remus sets about making a time-table, drawing out the lines, and Sirius helps him fill it in. They cut little squares out and start drawing activities such as brushing teeth and going to the park and with the aid of blue-tack, they start making up the schedule.
It's harder than Remus thinks, trying to allocate the time slots, but Sirius seems more on the ball. So Remus helps, but he lets Sirius take charge.
"This website says: /'everyone's a little bit autistic'/. That's bullshit," Sirius mutters, as he clicks the mouse. "I don't like that. It downplays it."
"I don't like it," Remus admits quietly. "I've been reading up on it, and I… I wanted Teddy to have a normal life. Like everyone else. I didn't have a normal upbringing because of what I am, and you didn't because of who your family is. I wanted Teddy's to be normal."
"What's stopping it from being normal?" Sirius checks, turning around in his chair.
"We always thought he was shy, and that's why he's struggling to make friends. But… he's struggling socially, and… that's part of him being autistic. He's going to grow up and find these things hard to do and I don't know how to help him."
Sirius lets out a sigh. "We just support him and help him as best we can. I love Teddy just as he is, and wouldn't change him for the world. Okay, his brain runs a little differently, but that doesn't make it 'wrong'. The way he acts, interacts and views the world is going to be different than another child, but that doesn't make either of them right or wrong in how they do things. Just their own particular way."
"I wouldn't change him either," Remus says. "That's not what I meant. I just… I don't want him to be lonely too."
Sirius smies. "I know, luv. We'll do the best we can. Autism isn't the stereotypes that are portrayed in media. We just need to find other people who understand." He turns back to the computer. He clicks the mouse and Remus returns to his book, and there is a few minutes of silence.
"It's weird though," Sirius comments, breaking it. There's a strange shift to his voice at the words, and Remus knows something is up.
"What's weird?" he asks.
"I… I mean… just reading this…" Sirius trails off. "No. Never mind. I'm just… I must be wrong."
"Tell me," Remus says, coming over and peeking at the screen.
"Oh. I just read something about noticing smells and sounds that others do not and it just made me think of how you always said that I was Padfoot before I was even an Animagus."
"What do you mean?"
"I never liked loud sounds," Sirius says, haltingly, as though he's not sure he should be saying this, though Remus isn't sure why he's reluctant. "But… but that's just because of my parents. Right? And smells. But… yeah. Do you remember - we used to joke that I just had super-sensitive-senses because I was Padfoot, just waiting for the form to be discovered." He lets out a little laugh. "I'm even starting to see myself with these symptoms, I think it's time for me to go on to bed. You coming?"
The wheels in Remus' head are turning, and he starts to shake his head. "I think I might do a bit of my own research," he says, with a smile. "I'll be an hour."
"Don't leave me waiting too long," Sirius jokes, leaning in for a kiss. "Goodnight Luv." Remus listens as Sirius goes out of the room, checks the front door is locked, and does his usual routine of checking the things are all off in the kitchen before heading to bed.
Then he sits down at the computer and turns a page over in his notebook and writes Sirius' name. He's not sure why, but… he knows Sirius has been affected by what he's read. Sirius hasn't just read things and noticed they're like him and just brushed it off.
Sirius feels this.
He makes a list. He knows Sirius won't do this. Sirius is the sort to stick his head in the sand and ignore what is going on around him. So Remus does this for him, because when Sirius does decide (or if Remus can provide evidence), everything is there.
The more he writes, the more he realises that Sirius fits a lot of this. He bullet points things like 'talking over people'. He had always assumed that Sirius just couldn't contain the words and blurted them out. Eye contact. Another one, because Sirius either makes intense eye-contact or doesn't meet anyones eyes. But again, something Remus had found a reason for. That was something he assumed was because of Sirius' parents. The smell and sound thing. After a moment of consideration, he makes a note about the incident in the shop when getting the computer.
He flips over the page and writes down about Sirius' anxiety and about his rudeness and bluntness, because these pieces are all falling into place. He understands why Sirius was affected by this - because this describes his partner so much.
He takes more than an hour to get to bed that night. He's written pages and pages about this, and the more he reads, the more convinced he is that Sirius is also autistic.
"I'm going to score low," Sirius mutters, though he doesn't sound so certain. Remus presented the information to Sirius the next afternoon over dinner, and he's left Sirius to process it.
They found a test on the internet. Of course it's not like the doctors would use, but it's the best they have at this short notice. Sirius starts to fill it out, muttering things, changing the answers in boxes, and every now and then, throwing out a question to Remus.
"Now for the result," he says, after just over half of an hour.
Remus moves out of his seat so he can join Sirius, and he's not surprised when the results are high.
"Am I autistic?" Sirius asks, quietly. "You won't… leave me or something if I am, will you?"
"It won't change our relationship," Remus assures him. "If it turns out that you're not… that's fine. But if you are… Well, do you think you are? Did you think that you were when you read about it last night?"
"I… suspected, but thought…" Sirius sighs. "It's weird. But… There's a lot there that makes me think that I am. Your research too. If… if I am, there's an explanation for why I am the way that I am, it'd be a relief, to be honest."
"And if you are, then Teddy has a role-model to look up to. Someone who can understand him in a way I might never be able to," Remus admits. "Because I can read all of the books and information I can get, but I'm never going to fully understand and I'm scared that I'm going to fuck up somehow. If you are, Sirius, you'll understand Teddy and that's a level of support that I can never reach, no matter how hard I try." He pauses. "Sirius, if you're not ready to find out, we don't need to do this. We can wait until you are, or never do this."
"But it'd be better if I did?" Sirius asks.
"That's up to you. Me and Teddy… we support you no matter what, okay? Whatever choice you make, we're here for you. No matter how long you need."
Sirius nods. "I'd like to think about it," he admits. "We've come a long way. We've been through a lot. This… this is easy compared to that."
"Everything is easy when I'm with you, but you don't have to downplay it. I can see in your expression that this is a big deal. But we'll do this as a family. Everything, because that's what we are."
Remus knows all about Sirius' life, but it's stripped bare as he talks to the doctor. There have been several meetings, all lasting around four hours as they go through the sections on the sheet that she has. After some looking around, they've found a squib doctor, to make it easier for Sirius to talk without filtering himself. This doctor will do the filtering on his behalf.
Sirius talks and talks, and it's like he's relieved to let all of this out. There's nothing for Remus to add, and he doesn't speak unless Sirius looks to him for any form of clarification. Things like dates, or facts that he doesn't remember, and Remus provides that information and nothing else. Because this isn't about him, it's about Sirius.
They tell Andromeda. She's been looking after Teddy during the appointments, but the doctor wants to talk about Sirius' childhood, and unfortunately (or thankfully as Sirius likes to think of it) Sirius' parents have passed and are unable to discuss. But Andromeda is a good ten years older than Sirius and she remembers, even though Sirius doesn't.
Remus hates not being there to support Sirius, but he's at home with his son, trying to understand the humming sound that Teddy has recently started doing, and looking for a pattern or a tone or anything so he can differentiate between the few different hums. He wants to understand his son as best he can, because how can he support him if he doesn't?
But the meets are finished, and Remus is there for the last one. The doctor glances over her own notes.
"How do you think that went?" she asks.
"It was exhausting," Sirius admits. "So, what's the deal, doc? Am I?"
"I can't officially say anything," the doctor admits. "But… off the record, you hit all of the boxes, Sirius. You are autistic. I just need to submit my report and 'officially' diagnose you."
Sirius nods. They had discussed this a few times and expected this outcome, but it's still a shock to hear this. "I'll get something in the post, I suppose."
"There will be one last meeting. I'll go through everything with you on that day, if you have any questions or anything." She smiles. "I'll send a letter in the post with your next meeting."
Remus leads the way out. Sirius is quieter than he's been in a long time, and they don't talk much. "Do you want to stop for a drink or something before going home?"
Sirius shakes his head. "I want to go home," he admits. "I want to… to think about this. I want to just be with you and Teddy. That's what I need right now." Grey eyes find his. "Is that alright?"
Remus nods. "It's perfect," he says. "We'll order in instead." Hand in hand they make their way to the apparition point. "Let's go get our boy," he says.
It's a quick trip to pick Teddy up, and Sirius has a private word with Andromeda about the results, before they use the floo to head home. It's nice and quiet at home, and Sirius already looks a little better.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asks, as they settle on the sofa. Teddy is curled up in his beanbag chair, watching a Disney film with the sound on low. He has a pad of paper balanced on his lap and a handful of colouring pencils. He draws a little cherry-red lion for Sirius, to add to the fridge of the other ten red lions. Subtitles appear on the screen and Sirius follows them with his eyes for a few minutes.
"Relieved. It's like my whole world has changed, but it's the same," he tries to explain. "I'm still me, but my head makes more sense to me now. " He turns to Remus. "You know… I know you're so worried about not being there for Teddy as much as you could, because you're not autistic. I know you worry that you'll do or say something wrong because your mind words differently. But… but ever since we met, you've gone out of your way to understand me and support me and be there. I'm autistic, Remus. You've already done this. I have every faith that you can do it again."
"Is Daddy doing something?" Teddy turns around, eyes flicking between the pair as he whispers his sentence back to himself.
"Just being an awesome daddy," Sirius confirms to Teddy. "As always."
Teddy nods in agreement, and Sirius smiles at Remus. "You sure you're okay with me?"
Remus grins. "People don't just become autistic, they're born autistic. It means you've always been this way. I fell in love with you, every part of you, autism included. My feelings haven't changed in the slightest. I promise you that. But are you okay with how today went? Is there anything you need, because you just tell me. Be honest, and we can talk more about it. I'm always here to talk."
"Yes, well, I'll be honest—I'm alright with me," Sirius insists softly, smiling. He leans in for a kiss. "You're perfect, you know."
"And so are you. You always have been."
Fin
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