Written for: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Healer Studies - Task #1: Murtlap essence vs. painkillers: Prompt: Write a fic with the genre hurt/comfort. Alt. Write about someone who just wants the day to end.
I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been
A/N: Omegaverse, Mpreg mentions and depression.
Two years ago, Remus had everything he ever wanted. But things change and he finds himself alone, a single parent, thinking that Sirius hates him. But then Sirius walks back into his life, and perhaps Remus was mistaken.
Lips move down his neck as long fingers pull eagerly at the buttons of his cardigan. The air is thick with want and need as they fight to pull at each other's clothes, unable to stop for just a second, and why would they ever want to stop? Remus feels the cardigan being shoved down his arms, and he's pushed against the wall behind him.
"Here?" Sirius whispers, removing his lips long enough to utter the word. He resumes gently nipping at Remus' neck as he waits for the answer. His lips are so close to Remus' mating gland, and Remus is struggling to think of anything but how easy it'd be for Sirius to bite into it, to mark them as mates. Just a little slip and he could do so, and Remus hopes that Sirius slips. He wants that so, so badly. Sirius needs to lose a little more control, Remus hopes.
This has been building for the longest time. This tension between them. Remus had convinced himself that he had imagined it, and when he found out Sirius was going to America for a year to work at his father's company, he was even more sure that Sirius felt nothing. But tonight - Sirius' leaving party - a few drinks each and Sirius was looking at Remus in a way which told Remus that he wasn't going to be spending the night alone. He was looking at Remus in a way that made Remus struggle to breathe.
"Yours or mine?" was the only question Sirius asked as the cab pulled up earlier. Remus knew that if he chose his own place, they were going their separate ways. That Sirius was giving him a choice.
"Yours." Remus didn't even need to consider this choice. He wanted Sirius more than anything in his life.
They've only just made it in the door, and Sirius is all over him, and Remus just wishes this had happened before. Because tomorrow he'll have to say goodbye for a year, and he's not sure how he'll even do that. But maybe they'll pick up where they left off when the year is up, because he can't see Sirius ever using him for a one-night stand. Sirius would never treat him like that, and Sirius hasn't drunk all that much. Enough for courage - same as Remus, but not too much. They're both very aware of their actions right now. It means Sirius really wants him, because there were others at that party that wanted Sirius too, and if Sirius just wanted a quick fling, he'd have picked someone else. He wouldn't risk their friendship because Sirius has made a point of telling him that he'd never do anything to risk them.
Which means that tonight isn't risking anything, it's just taking them further.
"Bedroom," Remus whispers.
Sirius leans back again, a smirk on his lips. "That was going to be our third stop," he says. "But we can move it along if you're comfortable. You do want this, don't you?"
Remus can only nod, because words are failing him. Sirius takes his hand and they rush to the bedroom, and Sirius doesn't waste a second. Remus is nervous - there are scars that he hates, but Sirius sees past those - he always has.
"Are we getting any sleep?" he checks.
Sirius shakes his head. "I can sleep on the plane," he says sadly. "But I'll be back before you know it, yeah? I mean… only a year before… I'll try to come back and visit at some point. If you'd want there to be an… us?" His voice cracks, as though he can't stand the thought of there not being a them. He watches Remus for an answer as though it's the most important question he's ever asked in his life.
Remus nods. "I hope so," he whispers. "I want that!"
Sirius' heated gaze moves towards the bed, and back to Remus, and Remus' eyes widen. His heart is racing and he can't believe he's finally doing this.
"Me too," Sirius murmurs. "All of this."
Remus is almost in tears as he drops Eri to James' house. Eri is teething and Remus hasn't slept in so long. Not properly. He wrestles with Eri's bag and a kicking child as he tries to get to the door.
James opens the door before Remus even knocks, sympathy in his eyes as he takes in the state of his friend. Eri immediately calms at the sight of James, and Remus bites back a comment at that. An Alpha presence makes all the difference, and it's not James' fault. Remus has to constantly remind himself of that.
James takes the bag off Remus and sets it down inside of the door.
Regulus comes to the door, a smile on his lips as he reaches for Eri. Eri calms further, and Remus wonders if it's because he can sense the family bond between them. He says nothing though, because what can he even say?
"Rough night?" James asks sympathetically. He wraps his arm around Remus' shoulders, guiding him in. "Come and have a cup of tea."
Remus knows this tone. This is the 'Remus, we need to have a talk' tone and he already knows what the conversation is about, but he's tired, he can't really walk out because he's due his heat, and since his mum is a little unwell, James and Regulus have agreed to look after Eri. He hates asking for favours, though he knows they'll always be willing to help out. He's not in a great mood, but he's going to not take it out on his friends.
They head through to the kitchen. Remus drops down heavily at the table, knowing his son is in good hands with Regulus. He had been wary when his son was born, too protective of the baby to let him out of his sight, but Regulus has been patient, allowing Remus to get used to them looking after Eri, and Remus knows that Regulus feels the bond with him, though doesn't know what the bond means. He's always trusted his friends - it's just his overly-protective nature. "We've made up a bunch of meals for you to freeze, so you don't need to worry about that. But… Remus, we talked about this before…" James says.
"You want me to contact Eri's dad and get help," Remus mutters.
James sighs heavily as he sets about making the tea. "Yes and no. I want you to have the support you need, because I know you've got a thing with your pride and more often than not, you refuse mine and Regulus' offers to help out, even though we're always happy to do so." James tells him. "I get why you're not doing it. Well, I suppose I get it? Either he's a dick who shagged you and fucked off, which means he's not worth your time. Or he found out about the baby and fucked off, which means… well, he's not worth your time. You're doing an amazing job - and Eri is a lucky kid to have you as a dad, but I'm concerned about you. About your mental health and the strain that doing this alone is taking on you. You've been withdrawn and quiet for ages. I thought it was because Sirius left and you guys were always so close. But you were okay when he left, and then it started to go downhill." He pauses, signing softly. "Whatever you're not saying… Remus, you're my best friend and you can tell me anything."
Remus sighs as the cup is put in front of him. He stares at the steam coming off the top. He doesn't know how to tell James this, because James will get too involved and Regulus will get too involved, and he doesn't need the mess that'll follow that.
"The father doesn't know," he admits quietly. "It was a one night stand, and he made it very clear afterwards that he wasn't interested. He ignored me, he avoided me. I tried, James. I tried so hard, and… look. He's not the sort to want kids - he's said as much in the past, and I was aware of that, and still... - and I don't want to… I don't want him to think I'm trying to force something by… it's better this way, James. Better for everyone." He doesn't know what else to say. He doesn't want this conversation on top of an already difficult day.
James purses his lips. "You're not okay," he murmurs. "You're playing it off, but this guy hurt you. I've had a broken heart, so I know how it feels and I know that's something you've suffered through and I think that you're still feeling that, Remus. I can see it everytime that I look at you and I would do anything to help you through it, but… but I know you. I know that you wouldn't want me to get involved, and I think we've reached the point where I can't sit around and hope that you realise you deserve better, that you can do better, and then start getting over it and finally moving on. You've never looked worse, mate. I think if it wasn't for Eri, you'd have broken down by now."
"Probably," Remus admits quietly. His son is his lifeline. He's why Remus gets up in the mornings and actually bothers.
"I wish Sirius was here already," James continues, and the conversation has just gotten ten times worse. "If he found out a guy just… abandoned you like that, he'd kill the guy," James says, chuckling slightly. He stops when realising that Remus isn't laughing. "He wouldn't let anyone break your heart, he would destroy them. But I want you to think about this, Remus. I think even if the father isn't interested, he should at least know that he has a child in the world. At least think about that."
Remus, not for the first time, wonders if James suspects the truth, but he says nothing. He reaches for his tea and takes a sip. It's still a little too hot, and it burns his mouth. But it's a distraction. Tea always makes him feel a little better.
James stares at him for a long moment, before he sighs. "I'll drop you back with the food," he says. "You know we've got the car seat and we're happy to come and collect you and Eri anytime. Also, if you ever need a break, you just call us and we're here for you. It's what friends do, Remus." He sips his own drink. "But that wasn't what I wanted to talk to you , part of it was. This wasn't an attack or anything, just me worried about you." He pauses, having gone off track. "There's good news. Sirius is finally coming home. Me and Reg set a date, so Sirius has finally made his choice to come back. I'm not sure if it's just for a bit, or if he's moving back. But maybe we can convince him to stay, yeah?"
Remus drops his cup at the news and finally looks up and meets James' gaze. He tries to control his expression, but there's little fooling James. James looks too pleased at the reaction.
"Kid looks like you."
Remus doesn't turn his eyes away from the small boy on the dance floor. A voice that he hasn't heard in almost two years and it still makes his heart race. He knew Sirius would try and be civil - well, he expected it, but it's still a shock to hear the voice that he's dreamed about.
"Well, except for the hair," Sirius adds. A chair scrapes and Sirius drops down in the next seat. "Been a while. How have you been?"
"Good. And you?" Remus realises he sounds overly polite - like when someone bumps into an old acquaintance on the street. It's awkward, this moment. Remus wants it to be over because he's not sure he's even ready for this, he's not sure how to be polite to the man that broke his heart. To the person that destroyed him.
"Yeah, good," Sirius replies. "Work has been good. Life… is good." Silence follows the comment and Remus struggles to keep his gaze away from the man who broke his heart. He forces himself not to look, because that'll hurt even more.
Another chair scrapes. "You alright darling? Are you going to introduce me to your friend? Is this James?" comes a woman's voice.
"This is Remus," Sirius says. "Remus, this is my girlfriend, Alice. Alice, this is Remus."
This time Remus looks. He doesn't let himself look at Sirius, but turns his gaze to the woman at his friend's side. He can't stop himself.
She's a cute brunette. Beautiful really. Of course Sirius would date someone so stunning, because this is the type of person that Sirius would end up with, not someone like Remus who barely has the energy to shower and sometimes is too exhausted to eat. "Nice to meet you," he says. This moment hurts, because Sirius couldn't even be considerate enough to approach him alone, let Remus have a few minutes.
But he realises quickly that he must have mattered even less than he ever thought. First Sirius ignores him after their night together, leaving Remus sitting around, hoping Sirius will say something - that it meant something - and then when Remus tried to reach out, after finding out about his pregnancy, he's met with silence. With 'He'll call you back' and 'He's in a meeting, this isn't a good time'.
Then there was that call, where Sirius' girlfriend called and told Remus to back off and leave them alone. It isn't this girl though, it was someone else. But to know Sirius is just moving on so quickly between relationships just goes to show that what they had meant nothing to Sirius. It was just another notch on his bedpost.
Remus got the hint quickly. It was a one-night stand and Sirius didn't give a shit about their friendship or about him. He meant nothing to Sirius, and Sirius' behaviour made that very very clear.
He knows Sirius doesn't want kids. The amount of times Sirius has talked about his future, not once has he mentioned children. If Sirius had simply been freaked at the idea of being a parent, it may have been easier somehow. Because then he'd have known that he did nothing wrong, it was just that they wanted different things. Though he couldn't do anything because there was never a question about giving up his child. His child was and still is the only thing he'd put over Sirius.
Remus tried. He reached out, he tried to fix things. He even planned to tell Sirius what had happened and made a call to do so. But after that, he thought that if he told Sirius about the baby, it would just look like a desperate attempt to rekindle things, to trap Sirius into a relationship. Sirius doesn't want any of this, so it just makes sense now to never tell him. He's still got a sliver of dignity left, a tiny bit of pride that he's clinging to. And right now, he's clinging to it even harder.
"And you!" she replies. She sounds nice. Remus turns his gaze away and focuses on the one thing in his life that matters. He offers nothing else to the conversation. What else can he even say? 'Hi, this is the son I tried to tell you about, till your girlfriend told me to back off?' Can he even do that in front of this latest girlfriend, or will it make him look desperate. No, he's not desperate. Why would he be? Sirius made his choice.
"So… is your partner here?" Alice asks, breaking the awkward silence.
Remus merely shakes his head. Of course they're assuming that there's someone else. That Eri is someone else's child, and he's going to allow them to think that. He can feel Sirius' gaze on him and he forces himself to watch Eri wiggle to the music. He can't hear his son giggling, but Eri looks so delighted as he turned away, looking at other children who are dancing.
He realises that it'd be so easy to turn around and tell Sirius the truth, but he can't find the words. He desperately tries to work out what to say.
"We should…" Alice says, after a long moment, and the chairs scrape slightly as the pair stand. Remus wants to call Sirius back, because whilst it hurt to have him there, something inside felt at ease in Sirius' presence. The same something that has always felt right. Which makes all of this even worse.
He focuses on the truth. Sirius was the one that left. Sirius doesn't want him. Sirius ignored him and also ignored his calls. Sirius - the good friend that he is, got someone else to tell Remus to back off. That's where he stands with Sirius. The part of him that wants this to all work out, for Sirius to know about his son (and maybe even choose to be involved) needs that reminder.
Only one good thing came from his fling with Sirius, and that's the only reason Remus can't truly regret what happened that night. So Remus focuses on his son. Eri is all that matters. Not the hurt that hasn't gone away since the day Remus realised that Sirius was done with him. He can deal with the hurt, because Eri will always be what matters the most.
As though he can feel Remus' distress, Eri turns around once more, amber eyes seeking Remus out. He toddles over, a wide smile on his lips, and Remus stares. He can already see the resemblance between Eri and Sirius. Others are going to start seeing it too. He's going to have a lot of questions to answer one day about this. Better to answer those questions now.
After all, Sirius is here. Sirius can't avoid his calls and ghost him today. This might be the only chance for a long time, and if he waits, maybe it'll be too long. Eri deserves to know his other parent, even if said other parent is an arsehole.
He stands quickly and turns, his eyes seeking out Sirius. He'll tell him. He should tell him. He needs to know. But as his eyes land on Sirius in person for the first time in two years, he's sure he sees a hint of grey before Sirius reaches out, pulling Alice close. His lips move to her ear and her body curves into his as his arm wraps around her back. Sirius' gaze isn't on him anymore, it's fully on Alice and Remus realises that his split-second choice was stupid. Sirius doesn't want to know any of this. He just wants a life where he can sleep around and date whoever he wants. Remus is insignificant to him.
It feels like someone has physically hit him. He feels dizzy, sick. Pain like he can't describe. He turns his gaze away, scoops up his son and heads over to James.
"I'm not feeling my best," he says. He hates to do this to James, but it's true. He feels dizzy and sick and he feels panic threatening to overwhelm him like it did in the days after Sirius' girlfriend told him to go away during that phone call. "I'm sorry."
James stares at him in concern. "You're really pale. You don't look good. Look, it's fine. How about a boys night tomorrow night instead? Regulus will look after Eri, and it'll just be us four like the good old days?" He reaches out to steady Remus.
Remus can't say anything to that. If he says he's feeling so unwell that he might be sick tomorrow, James is the sort to leave his own party to hang out with Remus to check on him. He needs to be alone. He doesn't want anyone to come with him.
Once upon a time, that would have been Sirius, though. The one who'd leave a party without a second thought just because Remus isn't feeling well. That was back when Remus felt like he meant something to Sirius, that Sirius would put him above anything. But James stepped into the protective role when Sirius left, and the idea of James leaving a party just to sit with him and make sure he's okay makes it all the worse.
"I'll be there," he says quietly. "What time?"
"Come for about seven." James looks too pleased at the acceptance, as though this'll make things right for Remus. As though being around Sirius is the solution, or at least like putting a plaster on a cut. If only it was that simple.
Remus nods, because he can do little else. He doesn't want to stay and for there to be issues between him and Sirius souring the party. Maybe it'll be easier tomorrow.
"I'll drive you home and come back," James tells him. "Come on, get your coat." He reaches for Eri. "Come with Uncle James whilst Daddy gets his coat," he says in a softer voice.
Eri grins and reaches for James, and Remus wonders when James and Regulus are going to have their own children, because they dote on Eri so much, that it's only a matter of time.
Sirius turns up to the party late. He's in his old flat, and whilst it's been maintained by a cleaner, he looks at the bed and all he can see if Remus sprawled out on it because Sirius finally manned up (or had a few drinks) and made his move. The long awaited move that he could have only dreamt about.
It was the best time to do it (and the worst, he realises) because if Remus had turned him down, the distance would've helped them get over that awkwardness. But the worst because he's finally got everything he wants and then has to leave him behind. He couldn't follow up with what had happened, he couldn't talk to Remus afterwards to discuss things properly.
It's been hard, these two years. It was supposed to be one - one and a half at the very most, but he's been considering staying even longer. Being in this flat is a painful memory of the few hours that he finally got to be with his soulmate. Before Remus disappeared from his life. Before he was told to stop calling. Before Remus decided that Sirius wasn't worth it.
"Is that him?" Alice whispers from Sirius' has been watching Remus for about half an hour, discreetly of course. Remus doesn't know he's there, or if he does, he's doing a pretty good job at hiding it.
Sirius nods. "I've been waiting for his partner to come over," he admits. "He hasn't come yet. What do you think he's like?"
"Go over and say hi," Alice suggests. Sirius just stares in Remus' direction. "Go," she pushes. "That stuff was in the past, Sirius. Maybe you guys can make up. But you won't if you stand here and pine over him. Go and make friends. Go and fix things, because we both know you want that."
Sirius nods his head. He'll have to do this at some point. Perhaps if he doesn't mention 'them' then they can pretend it never happened, and rebuild the friendship because Sirius wants Remus in his life, even if it's just friendship. Because Remus has always been the most important person to him, and maybe that hasn't changed, despite what has happened. "If it's awkward, I'll nod to you and you come over," he says.
Alice smiles. "I'm sure it'll be fine," she reassures him.
"He's always been the most important person in my life," Sirius says. "Two years. Maybe he's stopped hating me."
"I doubt he ever hated you," Alice insists.
"He did," Sirius says quietly. "I know he did. Fucking broke me. All of this did. But if he's happy…"
"Bullshit. If you're going to say 'if he's happy, you're happy' that's a downright lie," Alice whispers. "You're miserable and you'll probably stay that way. But you don't really get a say in his relationships, you can only work on yours and his - so work on the two of you. Make that your goal."
Sirius nods again and starts forward. He glances towards the small child wobbling on the dance-floor and feels a horrible wave of jealousy mixed with interest - he wants to learn more about this little miniature Remus, but… but Remus has a son with someone else. That makes it even more painful. It's one thing to hear about it on the phone, but another to actually see the small child.
If Sirius ever had a family, there's only one person he'd want that with. So of course he's jealous. He'd have made a good dad. But he does note that the kid is adorable. He notes the boy's black hair and it's clear Remus has a type of man he's interested in. Sirius wonders if the dad looks much like himself.
"Kid looks like you." His voice shakes slightly and he wonders if Remus can hear it. He sees Remus straighten slightly, but Remus doesn't turn. Doesn't respond. That's already an indicator that this isn't going to go well, but Sirius isn't going to give up that easily. He'll give it a bit more of a try and hope that he can say the right thing - find the magic words that gets Remus to talk to him. That earns forgiveness somehow.
"Well, except for the hair." Uninvited as he is to this table, he still pulls out a chair, his gaze on the side of Remus' face. He can tell that Remus looks tired, thin, just exhausted, and Sirius' first thought is that whoever Remus' partner is, he's not looking after Remus well enough. That pisses him off to no end, because Remus deserves someone who'll look after him, and if this guy isn't looking after Remus, Sirius is going to have to find him and hurt him. "Been a while. How have you been?"
And the way Remus talks to him, like he's a stranger. There's not an ounce of happiness or kindness or warmth in his voice. "Good. And you?" He might as well have been talking to someone who he didn't know. There goes all the years of friendship down the drain, because Remus has no interest in this friendship being repaired.
"Yeah, good," Sirius replies, giving Alice the nod because he's not sure what to do in this situation anymore. "Work has been good. Life… is good."
Alice is there in seconds, and Sirius is thankful for her existence. She's been a good friend during his time in America, but not as much as James, Peter and Remus. He misses their little group. He misses Remus to the point where he still finds himself with tears in his eyes.
"You alright darling? Are you going to introduce me to your friend? Is this James?" She sits down and Sirius glances at Remus for a reaction. Any reaction. Anything.
Remus turns his head, his eyes moving immediately to Alice, and there's a twitch in his jaw which is familiar to Sirius. Remus isn't happy. But there's so much more. Remus looks like a ghost of himself. His once-vibrant amber eyes are dull and lifeless. Like he's not even there properly and Sirius is worried. He's beyond worried.
"Nice to meet you," Remus says, and he sounds empty.
"And you!" she replies. But Remus turns his gaze away. This isn't Remus, he'd never talk to anyone like this, like he's just given up. And Sirius has seen Remus at his worst. He looks at Alice in confusion, and he's sure she can see the hurt in his eyes.
"So… is your partner here?" Alice asks, breaking the awkward silence. Sirius' gaze darts back to Remus.
Remus merely shakes his head, his eyes on his son, and Sirius glances over again. The kid glances around, black hair and amber eyes, and Sirius struggles to control himself. If he ever had a kid with Remus, this is what the child would look like.
He gives Alice a desperate look because he can't deal with this, and she smiles, reaching out for his hand. "We should…"
They stand, and Sirius hopes that Remus turns to say something. Ask him to sit back down. Ask him to stay. Forgive him for whatever he did wrong. But Remus does none of these things. He merely watches the small boy.
And Sirius feels like he's nothing. He doesn't matter to Remus. That is the most painful thing ever, just as painful as when he found out that Remus wanted nothing to do with him. He'd give anything to fix it. If only he had stayed rather than go to America - maybe he'd have still had a chance with Remus.
They move away, and Alice hugs him, murmuring reassurances, but Sirius can't stop looking at Remus. Concern turns to anger, because no one told him Remus was a shadow of himself. No one told him things were bad back here. But that anger extends, because he still doesn't have a fucking clue what he's done wrong, and doesn't deserve to be treated like this. James never informed him of any of this, and why isn't James looking after Remus properly like he promised he would?
Suddenly Remus stands, and he turns, and Sirius quickly turns to Alice, pulling her close, an arm snaking around her waist. Remus has someone in his life, Remus moved on, so now Remus has to see that Sirius has moved on too.
He leans in, his lips on Alice's ear. "Plan B goes ahead as… well, planned."
She smiles, though Sirius remembers her calling plan B stupid.
"He looks sad," she comments quietly. "Are you sure about this? He looks… Sirius, I've never met him before, I only know what you've told me about him, but I think something is really wrong with your friend and I think… I don't think you should give up on him this easily, I think you need to be your stubborn self and try again."
Sirius shrugs. He's spent two years dreaming about those amber eyes and re-examining every moment of his last night with Remus. Every word said, every action. He knows Remus wasn't drunk. Remus consented - many times. Sirius did everything to make Remus feel good. He only had one night and did everything he had wanted to do for the last few years. Remus wanted more from what had happened, and they both found it hard to part ways. He's always gone above and beyond for Remus, and if Remus walked over right now, he'd do just that.
But Remus doesn't. He turns away, towards the little boy. He scoops the boy up, and Sirius watches out of the corner of his eye as he heads over to James. James is quickly concerned, and Sirius feels a fresh wave of jealousy because now James is the person Remus turns to. He has no idea what has been said between them, and he wants to know, because maybe there's a hint in there that'll help him fix Remus, somehow?
James takes the small boy and they all leave the room, with James grabbing his jacket on the way, and Sirius waits before heading over to Regulus.
"How long has he been like this?" he demands. There's no need to specify what he's talking about, and Regulus knows immediately.
Regulus sighs. "He was okay at first when you left, but maybe about two months later, his mood started to change. We're all worried about him."
"Did… did something happen to him?" Sirius asks quietly, because if someone hurt Remus, he's already planning to destroy that person. Whether Remus is talking to him or not, Sirius will still destroy anyone who has hurt his Remus. Who has turned him into this shell of himself. He needs answers, he needs to understand.
"We have no idea," Regulus admits. "James has spent two years trying to get the truth out of him. Peter thought it was because you left, but he was fine for a bit. A little sad, but… but just getting on with it, I suppose. So I don't think it was that - if it was, he'd have gotten used to you being gone. No, two or three months after you went, something happened that destroyed him."
"Pregnancy?" Sirius asks, worriedly.
Regulus shakes his head. "Timeline fits, but that's not it. I think Eri is the only thing that's stopped him from completely shutting down."
Sirius nods. "Can I do anything?"
Regulus smiles slightly. "You've always been closer to Remus than anyone. If anyone can get through to him, maybe you?"
"We haven't spoken in two years," Sirius says quietly. "Honestly, I have no idea why. But… I'm not sure I'm the person anymore."
Regulus shrugs. "Yeah, you mentioned you lost contact. But… Can you try? We're not sure how much longer he can go on like this." He smiles a little wider. "But he's going to come for guys' night tomorrow - Peter should be back in town for it too. Maybe you'll get a chance to catch up?"
Remus' fingers shake as he dials the number again. He knows he's running up a bit of a bill, calling America from his parents' home phone but he has little choice.
"Hi, my name is Remus Lupin—" Remus starts, as a woman picks up the phone. He called a few days before, but Sirius was unavailable. The receptionist assured him she'd request a call-back. Of course he never heard back after that.
"I know," the reply comes, effectively cutting him off. "You just won't stop calling, will you?"
Remus freezes. The woman sounds hostile, angry. He's not prepared to deal with something like this. He clutches the phone. He just wants to talk to Sirius.
"I'm sorry?"
"You should be," she replies. "You keep calling here, Mr. Lupin. I know for a fact that my boyfriend has little interest in talking to you. We were hoping you'd get the hint by now, but you don't seem to be. He's bored of all the calls and messages you've been leaving. I know you both had a little fling just before he left, but you need to realise it's just that."
Remus can't think of a single thing to say. He wants to call her a liar, but how does this woman know about all the calls. Plus, Sirius hasn't replied to a single message, so she's right. And finally…
Sirius told her about their night together. Like it wasn't special and something that was just between the two of them. Shouldn't that be something private? Something that is only between the pair of them?
"I won't call again," he says quietly. He ends the call, and everything feels dark and numb and… and like he'll never be happy again.
An hour later, Sirius returns from his meeting, his gaze falling on Bellatrix. He sighs and drops his file down. "That's my chair."
"I was just keeping it warm for you," she insists. "So, little cousin, how are you finding it here?"
Sirius shrugs a little. "I like it, I guess. But…"
"Yeah, yeah, you mentioned your little boyfriend," she laughs.
"We… we didn't get there," Sirius admits. "I didn't realise it'd be this hard to be without him."
Bellatrix sighs. "He seems to care a lot about you. He hasn't called you in three months. I've tried so many times like you've asked."
Sirius frowns. "One last time," he mutters. He walks around his desk and pulls the phone over. He dials Remus' home phone, but there's no answer. He hangs up and dials his parent's number.
"Hello?"
"Mr Lupin, hi, it's Sirius," he says, recognising the voice.
"Sirius? Remus doesn't need to or want to talk to you," Lyall Lupin says sharply. "Don't contact him again." The man hangs up and Sirius drops the phone on the desk.
"He said not to call him again," Sirius whispers.
"Oh. Really?" Bellatrix replies. "Well, it's a good thing you didn't stick around in London then, because you'd have given up something great here for someone who couldn't even tell you to your face that he wasn't interested."
Sirius nods. This hurts too much. "You're right," he croaks out. "But I think I'm going to take off early today, Friday and all. I'll see you on Monday."
He barely hears a thing. He heads back to the flat his father provided, and he thinks about Remus, and spends every moment going over what had happened. When Monday comes, he has nothing.
And when James tells him about how Remus is pregnant, Sirius feels like all colour has left the world, because Remus has found someone else and started a family. Remus doesn't care about him, and that destroys Sirius.
Avengers is playing in the background and Sirius drinks his third beer as he talks about his life in America. Remus listens quietly. Sirius' life sounds too good to be true. He's talking about all the places he's visited, and about all the people he gets to meet. He's got an amazing job, an amazing flat and an amazing girlfriend. He makes a point to talk about all of his amazing relationships, as thought rubbing it in his face.
Remus offers nothing. What can he say about it? He sips his own beer, and tries to pay attention, though everything still feels grey and off and cold. He's not going to let Sirius see that he's affecting him, and he wonders to himself what kind of cruel game Sirius is even playing.
"What about you?" Sirius asks, suddenly turning his attention to Remus.
Remus shrugs slightly. "Had a baby, lost my job, my parents split up. Not as amazing as your perfect life," he says, and he can't hide the bitterness in his voice.
Silence follows.
"Sounds like we're both having a great time," Sirius says bitterly. "So, your darling partner didn't even bother coming to the party with you?"
"Partner?" Peter asks, his eyes darting between the pair. James nudges him to be quiet.
"I don't have one." Remus' tone goes from bitter to the tired one he's so used to hearing, and James seems to deflate at can see the reactions from the corner of his eye. James wants Remus to react.
"Oh? Did you treat him like shit too?" Sirius sneers. Remus' eyes widen and there's a flash of pain and Sirius clearly immediately regrets his words.
"It's been fun, thanks for the invite," Remus says. He stands and grabs his jacket and is out of the door before anyone can think to even stop him.
Sirius moves to follow, but James grabs his arm.
"You've done enough," he says. "I should have cut you off, but… but you got a reaction and I was hoping… hoping you could make a difference."
"I need to go after him, I have more to say," Sirius snaps.
James' grip tightens and even Peter stands and grabs his other arm.
"He's not got a partner," Peter says, frowning at him. "We don't ask him questions about who Eri's father is, because it just seems to make it worse. You see what he's like now? Well, this isn't half of it, and if you keep pushing, he will just shut down even more."
"A fling?" Sirius asks, wondering if Remus made a habit of it. Jealousy rears its ugly head again.
"He seemed happy for a little while, I think he was seeing someone. But then he started… It went downhill. I can only guess, but I think the guy found out about the baby and ditched him, because it was a couple of weeks after he found out. Clearly you had a falling out at some point - it explains why he says he lost contact, and why you said the same. But… but Remus needs the Sirius that looked after him, whether he'll admit it or not. You were the only one that truly got through to him during the worst times, and we need you."
"Some fucker did this and up and left?" Sirius asks, angry now. "I need this bastard's name and I'm going to go and destroy him."
"That's the Sirius we need," Peter says, approvingly. "Remus sounded pissed, but like James said, it's a reaction. You're the only one who can break through the… what he's going through. So keep breaking away. Reactions are good. Even if it gets heated, we want him to start… feeling something."
Sirius glances towards the door.
"Not now. You've had a drink and you've said too much already," James says. "We don't know what caused you both to fall out, but surely you there's something deep inside that remembers how much you cared about Remus. Someone already destroyed our friend. We can't let him get any lower than he is, Sirius. He needs our protection, not your wrath."
Sirius slumps back down in his chair. James is right. Sirius has spent two years imagining that Remus has been so busy in a new relationship that Remus completely forgot him. Not to mention all the times he called, and the one conversation with Lyall. Remus' behaviour has just gone ahead and proven that Remus wants nothing to do with him.
This isn't about his feelings, or Remus' feelings now. Remus needs to feel supported, so Sirius will fix that. "How bad is he?" he asks.
"Honestly? We think he'd have completely given up if Eri wasn't here. That baby is probably saving his life right now."
"I'm going to… I'll go over tomorrow and fix this."
"Sirius…" James hesitates for a long moment. "What happened between the pair of you?"
Sirius laughs. "When I left, all was fine. We were on good terms, and everything was… was as it should be. Then I get to America and it's like something went wrong that I don't even know about, because he stopped answering his phone and then his dad is telling me to fuck off and never call again, so fucked if I know."
"Was he good for a bit though?" James pushes.
Sirius shakes his head. "I dunno. I didn't have a land-line at home, but you guys had the office number. I was given messages from you both and from Regulus, but… I never heard from Remus."
The other Marauders look at each other in worry. "Well, it sounds like he was struggling before we even noticed," James says quietly. "Were we so caught up in ourselves that we didn't even realise? We just keep failing him. If he didn't reach out to you… if he never tried to call you, that's not like him. That's not Remus."
"It's not. I've spent the last two years wondering," Sirius admits. The anger is gone now, and he just feels broken. "Fuck. What did I do wrong?"
"Let's have another drink," Peter mutters.
James opens another beer. "I know you got a girl now, but I know… we both know how you've always felt about Remus. Please, Sirius."
Sirius nods. It's not really the time to admit that Alice isn't actually his girlfriend. It seems a little petty at this moment.
Sirius knocks on the familiar door, his heart in his throat as he waits for an answer. It doesn't take long for Remus to open the door. Sirius can immediately see that Remus isn't himself.
"Sirius," Remus says, and for the first time, those amber eyes meet his. They're dull and lifeless, but there's so much more there than others see. They'd see the bags under his eyes and how thin he is, but they don't see the pain there. Remus' eyes are red - he's been crying. Fuck, did Sirius do this?
Sirius knows that Remus won't let him in if he asks, so he shoves the door open and walks in anyway. Three steps in, and Sirius stops dead. If Remus hadn't opened the door, he'd have thought this was someone else's house. There are toys everywhere and Eri is currently smearing the jam from his sandwich on an old leather sofa. Remus hates leather sofas, but clearly had good reason to get one. A cup of tea is overturned, seeping across the table and staining the carpet, which looks like it's seen a lot of these stains. A book lays open in the corner, a couple of pages ripped out and scattered.
Remus disappears and comes back with a cloth and baby wipes, and Sirius watches him go through the motions, little reaction.
"If you can keep an eye on Eri for a moment, I need to make him another lunch," Remus says, taking the dirty wipes and the cloth out of the room.
Sirius' eyes move around the room. Remus' comfortable armchair is gone. The bookcase is broken. The bottom few shelves are filled with children's books. There are no plants at all. This is even worse than he thought, because Remus seems to have just given up.
He goes to the kitchen and Remus is pulling out the bread. Sirius' eyes linger on the recycling bag in the corner. Microwave meal boxes.
"Go take a shower," Sirius says. "Put something clean on and we're going for a walk and we'll stop somewhere and get food."
Remus glances his way. "I can't—"
"I know you hate me," Sirius adds, hoping that Remus denies it, but Remus doesn't say anything and Sirius feels sick because that means Remus does hate him, "but if I knew you were… like this, I'd have been back a long time ago to help you."
"Like what?" Remus asks. "Maybe my life isn't as perfect as yours, but I'm managing. Eri has everything he needs. Eri is happy."
Sirius shakes his head. "This isn't a dig at your parenting skills, but maybe the kid is missing one thing - a happy parent. You're doing the best you can, but you've got to do what's best for you too. You need to look after yourself. Go take a shower and take some time to yourself. Just a few minutes, and I'm here to help."
Remus' gaze drops. "Maybe that's one thing I can't give him. I don't remember the last time I felt happy."
Sirius stares at him. Even with child-size chocolate stains on the bottom of Remus' t-shirt and hair that hasn't been brushed today, Remus is still beautiful. He wants to pull Remus into his arms and reassure him that everything will be fine. He wants to make everything fine.
"Go. I'll watch Eri," he says. "You've got an hour to yourself before we leave."
"Eri is hungry," Remus insists weakly.
"If he was hungry, he'd have eaten the jam sandwich," Sirius tells him. "He's had snacks today, right? Well, he'll be fine. We'll get food in a bit. Remus, honestly, do you think I'd let your son go hungry and not look after him properly? You can trust me on that."
Remus sighs. "I'll be quick," he says.
"No you won't. You'll take your time and light one of your stupid candles and chuck in a bath bomb and put on some music."
Remus almost smiles. It's just a twitch at the corner of his lips, but it's a start. It's a reaction, like James wanted.
"I don't have any candles or bath bombs," he admits.
"We'll pick some up in the shops," Sirius tells him.
Remus hesitates, looking between Sirius and Eri for a minute.
"Honestly, do you think I'd ever let your kid get hurt?" Sirius repeats, more softly this time. "Do you really think that of me? Is your opinion of me so low?" He wants to hide the hurt in his voice. He tries.
"Of course I don't," Remus says. "I'm just… I trust you with him." He leans down. "Eri, come here."
The little boy comes over, his amber eyes moving between the pair.
"This is Sirius," Remus says, and Sirius can't determine the shake in Remus' voice. "He's going to sit with you whilst I have a shower and get changed."
"Do you want a nap too?" Sirius murmurs.
"I nap when he naps," Remus mutters back. "Which is never." He turns his attention back to Eri. "I'll just be in a different room, okay, so you can come and find me if you need to check."
Eri nods his head, and Remus stands and walks from the room.
"Well, kid, time to show me what you get up to for fun," Sirius says. "But first, I'm going to give that sofa a wipe. It still looks sticky and I can't be doing with that." He pokes lightly at Eri's t shirt to be on the safe side, but it's not sticky and no dirt comes away on his finger, so he check's Eri's hands.
"Do you have any colours and a colouring book?"
Eri nods.
"Right. You get your stuff and follow me and I'll tidy up," he says. "Can you say my name? Can you say Sirius?"
"S… S…" Eri says, lisping on the letter.
"Right, sounds cute, but a little tricky. We'll go with Padfoot." He watches the small, dark-haired boy for a moment. "You should feel lucky, kiddo, only your dad, James and Peter get to call me that."
"Uncle!" Eri says, or Sirius assumes as such. More jealousy because James and Peter get to be 'Uncle' and Sirius gets to be a stranger. He'll be Uncle somehow. Maybe step-dad even, though he forces that thought out of his head quickly because he can't even fix their friendship.
"Yeah, but I'm much cooler than them. Come on, let's give this a hoover. You left crisps on the floor."
When Sirius glances in at Remus, Remus is passed out on top of the bed, half-dressed. Sirius doesn't linger for long, but Eri is a handful and he can't imagine how Remus does this alone. Having people appear and help every now and then isn't the same as having someone there at all times. Having a partner.
"Daddy sleeping," Eri points out. He starts over, grabbing at Remus' trousers and starts calling for him, but Sirius scoops him up, not wanting Eri to wake Remus. Remus needs to rest, it's evident by the way that he's just passed out from exhaustion.
He'll take them out somewhere for dinner instead. "Let's tuck Daddy in and let him sleep," he whispers. "Then me and you can do some baking. Do you like chocolate?"
He laughs softly at Teddy's expression at the word. Like father, like son. He heads over to Remus and tries to pull some of the cover over him, before he leaves the room.
He notes that there's only one pillow in the middle of the bed. Not that he was looking to see if Remus is single, but if there's only one cup in the sink, one adult's plate on the draining board. He should be happy that Remus is single, because it means Remus is available. But he's not. Because it means that Remus has spent the last two years alone, clearly suffering from depression. Clearly alone. Why the fuck didn't James call and tell him to come back?
Sirius should never have left. Remus needed him and Sirius wasn't here.
The pair head into the living room and Sirius sets Eri down, though Eri quickly takes a seat next to Sirius, big amber eyes fixed intently on him, and suddenly the jealousy that this is another man's kid fades.
This is Remus' son, and that's all that matters to Sirius. This boy is Remus' lifeline. And whilst Sirius hopes to become another lifeline to Remus, because Remus needs someone strong to pull him out of this darkness he's fallen into, he understands what it means to have to be strong for someone else.
Remus has to be strong for little Eri.
"You're a cute one, aren't you?" Sirius murmurs. "Right. Pick a Disney flick and we'll make some cakes."
Remus wakes with a start. A glance at the clock by his bed tells him that it's three, and he falls off the bed. "Eri," he shouts in a panic, because anything could have happened. How could he be so stupid as to fall asleep and let his son do goodness knows what? "Eri!"
He stops in the doorway of the living room, and the daze clears as he realises that Sirius is there. Now he remembers.
"Forgot I was here?" Sirius asks, not glancing around. He's leaning over the table and Remus can smell chocolate. "We've been having a great time, and we're almost done."
Remus approaches, his eyes on Eri. He trusts Sirius with his son, sure. But… Well, Sirius has little experience with kids. "I woke up and forgot… for a minute, I forgot that you were here."
There is a range of sweets on the table. Smarties in one bowl, a flake broken into little pieces in another, and various sprinkles. The pair are sprinkling toppings all over a tray of chocolate coated rice-krispie cakes.
Eri sneaks a couple of smarties into his mouth and Sirius chuckles. "Kid, we talked about this. If you eat them all, there won't be any left for the cakes."
Remus just stares as Sirius and Eri make the cakes. When the cakes are done, he sets one that is covered in just the red smarties in front of Eri, and reaches up with one with little star shaped sprinkles for Remus. "I'll tidy up and start dinner."
"Oh. I've got something in," Remus starts.
"You're eating properly," Sirius tells him with a stern look. "Look, I'm here, Remus. I'm…" he walks out of the room with some of the things they had been using, and returns a minute later. "I forgive you. I forgive what happened a couple years ago," he says.
"I'm sorry. You what?" Remus is almost speechless. Sirius is forgiving him when it was Sirius in the wrong?
"I forgive you," Sirius tells him. "You know, the phone call and… and avoiding and stuff."
Remus takes a step back. He thought it was all too good to be true, and this proves it. He was warming ever so slightly to things but this just hardens him once more. For a moment, he was starting to think that they could fix it. That maybe Sirius would be good knowing that he's Eri's father.
He's about to shout, about to say something, but Eri comes over, chocolate from the cake melting in his hands. "Pa. Pa. Pa...d?"
"He couldn't say Sirius, we were trying for Padfoot," Sirius explains, but Remus is panicking. Just hearing Eri calling Sirius Papa, even if that's not what he's actually saying. But Sirius offered Remus forgiveness, when it was Sirius who had been the one in the wrong.
"You're forgiving me?" Remus asks. "You know, I thought… I don't know what I thought, but I think this has gone on long enough. I appreciate your help today, but this isn't going to work. Our friendship was over two years ago, and we both know why." He keeps his voice low. "Please leave."
"Remus." Sirius steps closer, but stops. There's a flash of pain in his eyes, but he stops. "I'm the only one willing to put the past behind us," he says, the softness leaving his voice. He keeps it low. "I'm here, trying."
"I didn't ask you to try," Remus hisses.
"Okay. Okay, here I was, even thinking about returning to England permanently. Hoping that we could fix our friendship. But forget it. Forget it. I'll be on my flight after all, because clearly there's little reason for me to stick around here."
"Seems like it," Remus whispers. He wants to tell Sirius to stay. For a moment, things felt right. Just the sight of Sirius and Eri at the table…
Sirius stares at him for a long moment, and Remus expects some cruel words. He hopes for some, because it'd make it easier. Sirius' eyes move to Eri.
"Kid, it's been brilliant getting to know you. You're a special guy, and I want you to be good for your dad." And it hurts even more watching him lean down and give Eri a hug.
Eri gives Sirius a chocolatey kiss on his cheek and with one last look Remus' way, Sirius says goodbye, and he leaves.
The door shuts behind him. Remus half expects him to slam the door, but Sirius closes it quietly, with just a click. Remus turns to his son. But Eri is staring after Sirius, his face crumpling, and seconds later, Eri bursts into tears. "Pad," he sobs.
As Remus scoops him up and hugs him, he realises for the first time just how tidy the place is. Tidier than he's seen in a long time. He turns back towards the door. Maybe Sirius has changed. Maybe Sirius should at least get to know his son. Or at least know that truth.
He'll tell him tomorrow. Maybe they can call a truce just for Eri's sake. Sirius destroyed him, but he can't deny that Sirius and Eri bonded.
As angry as he is, Eri needs him and that's clear.
Remus watches Alice warily. "I suppose I should invite you in."
"Yes, you should," she tells him, arms folded. "You can explain to me why the hell you upset Sirius. You can tell me what's wrong with…" she trails off as Eri appears. "Update me," she says, her voice a little lower.
"Oh? I thought you were here to tell me to stay away from him too? Isn't that what his girlfriends do?" Remus mutters quietly. "I'm staying away, Alice. I'm doing what I was told, okay? You don't have to worry about me."
Alice stares at him for a long moment, and Eri toddles off again, heading back to his crayons at the table.
"I don't want my son hearing this," Remus says fiercely. "If you're here to warn me off, you're wasting your time. I'm not after Sirius. If he wants me to stay away, I got the message the first time. I don't need you doing his dirty work."
Alice frowns. "Remus, I think there's a misunderstanding here," she says. "I'm here to tell you something important. Sirius is leaving. He's already driving to the airport. He's coming back for the wedding, but he's going to move to America, and he's not moving to England after all, as he had planned. He's doing great in his job, and he just wants to get away. I'm still using my ticket next week, but he didn't want to wait."
"That sounds like a him problem," Remus mutters.
"It sounds like a you problem," Alice says, eyes flashing, though she's keeping her voice low. "Because whatever you did yesterday… fuck, Remus, what did he ever do to you to cause you to treat him like sh… that?" Hey eyes move past him to where Eri is colouring. "He was already broken, and you just had to destroy the last pieces of him. If I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be here trying to sort this al out."
Remus laughs hollowly. "Me? We fucked and he left, Alice. I tried to call, and he never called back. He avoided all of my calls, but I still kept trying. In the end, he got his girlfriend to tell me to go away. He had a girlfriend whilst I was grasping onto the knowledge that he wanted a relationship with me. That broke me. Do you know how that feels? To chase after the person you're in love with only to be treated like you don't matter, like you mean nothing."
"Daddy?" Eri rushes over at Remus' rising tone.
Alice's gaze moves to the little boy.
"Sirius tells a very different story," she tells him softly. "And I believe him. Sirius told me that you once knew him better than anyone. Two years ago - the Sirius you knew back then… would he have ever treated you like that?"
Remus shakes his head. "I trusted him," he whispers. "I loved him more than anything. I don't think a day goes by where I don't think about him." His gaze drifts to Eri, and Alice looks at the little boy again. "Do you know what it's like to have someone completely break you - the one person you thought you could always rely on?"
Alice is just staring at Eri, and Remus leans down. "Why don't you draw a picture for Nanny-Hope?" he suggests. Eri nods and walks away again, leaving the pair alone.
"The thing is, I believe you too - actually. This can't be faked. I can tell you've truly been broken by something. But how can you both be telling the truth, unless there's been some sort of misunderstanding?" Alice muses. "I've heard two very very different stories about what has happened, and I think you need to call your father and ask him what happened between him and Sirius."
"My dad?" Remus asks quietly.
She nods. "Remus, Sirius considered staying here in England - for you. Despite everything - and remember that I said that Sirius believes something very differently is happening - he would choose you over anything. He has a good life over there. He's got an amazing job, he's got so much opportunity. But you matter more. He was happy to walk away from everything just so you wouldn't be alone. Just so you'd have his support. Can you please think on that, at the very least."
"Then why are you here?" Remus asks. "You're his girlfriend but you want me to, what? Run after him?"
Alice grins. "I'm his friend. I followed his terribly stupid plan to pretend to be his girlfriend because he was under the impression that you were in this super happy relationship and he wanted to save face. I'm not someone you need to worry about. What matters to me is Sirius' happiness. So, we can stand here and talk and Sirius will leave. Or…"
Remus takes a deep breath. "When did he speak to my dad?"
"A year and a half ago? More?"
Remus nods slowly. "So he did try to call me?" He feels lighter somehow.
She nods. "You must miss what you had, even just the friendship. But I think Sirius is worth fighting for. He came here yesterday because he thinks that you're worth it, but he left here looking like you, when you opened the door earlier."
"I hope I don't regret this," Remus mutters. He strides inside and grabs his things, picking Eri up. "Come on, we've got a plane to stop."
"Uncle?" Eri checks.
"No. We're going after Padfoot."
Eri grins. "Pad," he replies.
James is driving fast. Remus is sure that he'd be driving even faster if Eri wasn't in the car.
"He didn't tell us he's leaving," James mutters. "Arsehole. Typical of him to not consider others."
"It's my fault," Remus says. "We had words yesterday. But… I found out today that the reason we fell out… we both may have different reasons so things might not be…" he hesitates. What if Sirius leaves forever? What if Sirius never comes back? No matter how hurt he is with Sirius, the idea that he may never see Sirius again… he doesn't want that. Even if Sirius does go to America, Remus can't stomach the thought of Sirius never being in his life anymore.
Even if it's true - even if Sirius did what Remus believes, he needs to forgive and move on if he wants Sirius to be in his life. They need to fix this.
"I think you need to tell us the truth," James says.
Remus hesitates again. "Him first," Remus answers quietly. "He should be first to know. First I talk to."
"We've spent two years helping you," Peter tells him, frowning. "And Sirius is first?"
"Pete, if he's willing to talk to someone about it, we should appreciate that," James snaps. "Sorry, I shouldn't snap, but… I'm a little stressed." He glances at Remus through the mirror for a second. "Do you think you can do something?"
Remus shrugs. "He said he called. I thought he never.. I thought… I need to know what my father said to him."
They pull up at the airport, and James orders them all out.
"Give me the keys," Peter insists, holding his hand out as Remus pulls Eri from the child's car seat. They've stopped by the doors, but there's no parking there. "He's more likely to listen to you, James, than me."
James tosses Peter the keys as Peter rushes around the car to the driver's seat. Regulus grabs Eri. "He'll slow you down - just get going. I'll catch you up. Stop my stupid brother from getting on the plane."
Remus breaks into a run, James at his heels and Regulus falling behind already. There's only one flight going Sirius' way, and James shoves to the front of the line, quickly explaining the situation. People seem more than happy to let them through, and they rush through the airport.
Remus sees the familiar dark hair.
"Sirius," he shouts loudly. Sirius pauses for a moment, his head starting to turn, but suddenly he starts walking, heading towards the gate at a quickened pace.
"Last call for flight B13," the woman at the counter says, and before Remus can do anything, Sirius had walked through the gate, up the jetway and out of sight.
"Sorry sir, you can't go through without a ticket," the woman says, stepping in the way of James. James starts to try and explain the situation.
Remus can't breathe. He looks around, hoping to see a way past. But his eyes fall on the microphone. In her distraction, he ducks around her and presses the button.
"Sirius." His voice echoes through the speakers. He knows that Sirius heard him before, and Sirius still left. He needs to give Sirius the drama the moment demands. He needs Sirius to have a reason to turn back.
Sirius needs the truth.
"He's your son."
"Wait? What?" James shouts, pausing in his attempts to talk his way past the woman. "Eri is Sirius' son?"
Remus moves back from the microphone, and the woman glares at him. Seconds pass and Sirius doesn't return, and Remus finds himself sinking down into one of the chairs, James taking the other seat, head in hands. He was scared that Sirius would walk away when finding out he had a son, but it's actually happened and Remus isn't sure he's going to make it through today.
"Can I stay at yours today?" he whispers quietly.
"Of course. What happened?" James asks quietly.
"Sirius' leaving party," Remus admits quietly. "Consensual. I don't know what went wrong, but Alice said things… I was planning on telling Sirius before he left again. I freaked out yesterday, and…" he sighs.
They walk away. They head back through the airport, and find Regulus and Peter waiting at a table in the cafe, with Eri.
The pair sink down there.
"Pad?" Eri says.
"He's gone," Remus murmurs, reaching for his son. "We should go home."
"I agree," comes Sirius' voice from behind them. Sirius approaches, looking slightly bewildered. "Let's go, so you can tell me what the fuck is going on. They almost didn't let me off that plane. I…" His gaze moves to Remus. "You should've told me sooner."
"Language in front of Eri," Regulus snaps, and Sirius shrugs, though looks a little abashed.
"Tell me what's going on," he repeats, avoiding the swear word this time.
"I have a son," Sirius says. "You should have told me." He fixes Remus with an angry look. "I almost left without knowing."
"I was going to tell you today. I freaked out yesterday, but… but I knew I was going to tell you. I thought I'd have time to tell you."
"You should have told me over a year ago," Sirius snaps. "Fuck, Remus, I was here yesterday and it was so fucking domestic and I loved it. I wanted it to be my life. Me, you, Eri. A little family. Then you pull all your sh… stuff."
"You're joking, right? I tried," Remus tells him. "I…" he trails off. "You were thinking about us as a family, yesterday?"
Sirius nods. "I didn't know he was mine. When the jealousy faded over the idea of you having a child with someone else… I realised that it didn't matter. That I wanted this family, even if someone else was Eri's parent. I'm so angry at you, I've been angry for the longest time, but I've never been able to let go of how much I love you - how I've been in love with you for so many years."
"I think before we discuss… anything, we need to work out what happened after you left," Remus replies quietly. "From what Alice told me, your version of events is very different to my own. The only thing I think we can agree happened for sure, is that we slept together on the night of your party."
Sirius lets out a sigh. His arms still folded, he leans against the wall, eyes on Remus. "I called a few times and you didn't answer," he says.
"I called and left message after message at your office," Remus retorts.
"I didn't get a single one."
"I called the day I found out about Eri. I had the scan, it said I'm having a boy. I called again, and your girlfriend answered the phone. She basically told me that I'm nothing to you. She knew enough about us to…" he trails off. "That was at the start of August."
"The… the first?" Sirius asks quietly.
Remus nods. "You remember the date?"
"Friday the first. It's the last time I tried to call you. Bellatrix was in my office when I came in. I had back to back meetings, and every time I went to call you, she'd come in and tell me someone needed me. I finally got a minute during a late lunch, so I tried to call you, didn't get through so I tried your parents. Your dad told me that you never wanted to hear from me again."
"He has old-fashioned views of Omegas and I told them that you're the dad. I think… " Remus trails off. "My parents split up because he wanted me to… not have Eri. Give him up for adoption, then when my mum freaked out, he attempted to find me a husband so we could pretend that someone else was the father. "How did you not get any of the messages I left?"
"I'm wondering the same thing." Sirius strides over to the landline and starts dialling a number. "You said the receptionist and also my cousin?"
Remus nods. "I spoke to a few different people. I tried the number for the front desk too. Sirius, I can show you the phone bills and prove that I called if you need."
Sirius stares at him, before shaking his head. "I believe you," he says quietly. "I believe I wasn't supposed to get…" he trails off as the call connects. "Sirius Black here for Orion Black. Is my father around?"
"Father, it's me," Sirius says, as the call is transferred. Sirius is still reeling from the information. That he's got a son. That Remus didn't just ghost him, he tried to contact him many times. That's more like the Remus he knows. The pieces of the puzzle are finally clicking into place and showing a very different picture than what Sirius could see before.
"I thought you were getting a plane today. Earlier. Have I mixed the times up?" Orion asks. "What time is it there?"
"No. I decided to stay for today," Sirius tells him. "I was catching up with Remus. I'm actually thinking of staying, maybe until the wedding. I have some leave, some holiday built up. Anything pressing… I'll do from the London office if no one else can cover it."
"That doesn't surprise me. You've always had your head turned by that Omega." The disdain is clear in Orion's voice.
"Yeah, that's true," Sirius says. He's considering how to word things to find out the truth, and maybe just mentioning Remus will be enough considering his father's disdain. "I'll take two weeks leave. Maybe more. The wedding—"
"Are you really going to jeopardize everything you worked for, for him?" Orion replies coldly. "You did well when he wasn't a distraction. And now he's sniffing around you once more, you're going to drop everything."
"He's always been a distraction," Sirius says, carefully. He had his suspicions when he made the call, but his father's attitude, his words, they're confirming to him that his father had a hand in this.
"Not when you were working."
"You saw to that, didn't you?" Sirius asks. "You see, I didn't get any of his messages, which had been left with different people. They wouldn't have all forgotten to pass it on, because the staff never forget. The staff are too scared of you to forget to pass on messages, which means that they were told to keep things from me. What I want to know is - did you have anything to do with Bellatrix telling him to stay away from me?"
Silence follows and that's enough of an answer.
"I have a son," Sirius says quietly. "Between you and her, I've missed out on his life so far, so I'm going to be staying in England to work it out. To get to know him. To try and salvage things here."
"Stay where?" Orion asks. "Your apartment is under my name. You come back here, or you lose your flat. You lose everything."
Sirius turns, his gaze on Remus and Eri. Remus, who thought Sirius had abandoned him, who is broken because he thought Sirius wanted nothing to do with him. Sirius has always known they were soulmates. He's never felt anything for anyone else. He's never even looked at anyone else. His time in America has been just him thinking about Remus. Now that the truth is out, they can move past this. They can rebuild their friendship, their relationship. They can be a family.
"You know, you made me lose everything that actually mattered to me," he says to his father, eyes still fixed on Remus who is pale, too thin, tired. Who needs Sirius, whether he'd admit it or not. "I lost the love of my life, and I almost missed getting to know my son. So take the flat back, that doesn't matter to me. Fire me, because I don't want the job anymore. I'm not going back to America. I'll…"
"You can stay here," Remus murmurs quietly. It's so quiet that he almost doesn't hear him.
Sirius smiles. This is his Remus. Broken and in need of help, or his usual sweet self, Sirius is here for him. He's never leaving again. "If you want to apologise and maybe fix our relationship one day, I'll be staying with Remus and my son. But there's more than one apology for you to make. I'll have my stuff out by the end of the week."
"The end of the day," Orion snaps.
"Right. End of the day. Fuck that stuff, fuck you. I feel sorry for you, because family matters so much, yet you're not going to ever know your grandson. Your only other son is an Omega, and you've got rules in place in the company stopping him from taking over. You're going to be a sad old man without anyone. I don't want to hear from you again unless you truly want to make amends, with both me and Remus. Because my Omega and my son come first, and America and my job and… well, you, you don't even compare." He places the phone down, his eyes on Remus.
"Yesterday… was perfect," he says. "At first. Till you kicked me out. But I liked it. Things are messed up between us, Remus. But I tried to call - I wanted that relationship to continue, even though we weren't in the same country. I still do. I'm sorry I didn't try harder. That I gave up when your dad told me to stop contacting you. That I tried to leave today. It was just a new heartache on top of the one that I was already suffering from."
"And I'm sorry I didn't try harder," Remus whispers. "You could still see Eri - long distance and keep your job. You don't have to… to..."
Sirius sits down next to him and smiles. "Do you really think that I'd choose anything over my family?" he asks. He dares to reach out, his hand brushing gently against Remus' cheek. Remus smiles. "These past two years have been utter hell without you. I never should have left. I've regretted it every single day. I've missed you more than anything."
"I love you too," Remus tells him. "That call… your cousin, when I thought… that destroyed me. I thought that I meant nothing to you."
"You mean everything to me. You and the kid. How do we do this? Do we just tell him who I am? Or… and how will your parents handle this?"
"Mum will be fine. I haven't spoken to my dad since Eri was born," Remus admits. "We'll tell Eri later. You don't have a lot of time, so why don't you go and sort your stuff out in your flat now, and once you've settled in, the rest will follow.
"I just thought Remus had a type," James admits, as he, Sirius and Peter lug Sirius' sofa up to the flat. "It never occurred to me that all this was going on."
"It never occurred to me that he'd be my son either," Sirius says. "Because I know Remus to know he'd call me about it. I never thought my father would do this."
"Deep down, does it surprise you?" James asks. "I mean, he's always controlled your life. He could have just as easily had you work at the London office. If he knew you were in love with Remus, it makes sense that he'd do what he could to get you away from Remus. He probably thought moving you away for a year or two would make you forget about him, or Remus would move on. I mean, he did try and push you into marriages with 'suitable' omegas."
"I hate that I had to make a choice," Sirius admits quietly. "Distance isn't going to take away my feelings for Remus. He was my first crush at thirteen. First and only person I've ever fallen in love with. Even when I thought he hated me - when he stopped speaking to me, I still couldn't get him out of my head. I wasn't going to leave forever. Just away and regroup and think. I was going to try again during the wedding, because I know I saw something yesterday that told me that I could one day fix things."
"What was that?" James asked.
"He trusted me enough to look after Eri," Sirius says. "If he hated me so much, if he honestly thought I was a bad person, he wouldn't have let me look after him. Deep down, Remus knew I wasn't bad." He grins at James. "I did a great job too. The kid - Eri - he loves me. We totally bonded. Coolest kid I've ever met. But there was a moment where Remus was… like he was there for it, you know. That he looked almost happy."
"Eri is amazing."
"Guys, sofa," Peter mutters, trying to hoist it up the stairs.
They manage to get it into the flat, before James and Peter leave. They plan to do a little celebration party the next day, but wanted to give Sirius and Remus time to talk and sort through this. Because though it was all a misunderstanding with other people trying to get between them, there's still damage that had been done.
Sirius has spent the last few hours organising his belongings. Things have been boxed up for charity. They've organised a storage unit for the furniture, all except for his bed - which is expensive and so comfortable, the arm-chair which Remus has always loved and the sofa. He has a few boxes of belongings too.
He drops down onto the sofa, and Remus sits next to him.
"Eri has just fallen asleep," he says. "It's a good time to talk. Or, maybe you want to relax a bit first?"
Sirius straightens up, a smile on his lips. "I want us back on track in whichever way you want me," he says. "Remus, I love you. I've had feelings for you forever. There's never been anyone else, I swear. Even if Eri wasn't mine, I'd choose you - you and him. Without a single doubt."
"Eridanus," Remus murmurs. "That's his actual name. Even though I thought you didn't… I wanted a star name. It's tradition after all." He reaches for Sirius' hand. "I love you. Just… just finding out that you didn't abandon me. It's like the colour has come back into my world. Would you really have considered raising someone else's child?"
Sirius nods. "Once I stopped being jealous, I realised that Eri is amazing. Best time of my life sitting and making cakes with him. Well… top two moments." His gaze shifts down Remus' body in a way that makes Remus shiver. "So, is he down for the night?"
"He never really settles," Remus admits. "We have a few hours before he'll wake up."
"How about I cook you something amazing?"
Remus shifts closer. His fingers gently reaching to push a dark curl behind Sirius' ear. "How about we do that in an hour?"
"You honestly think that when I get you naked, I'm going to be finished with you in an hour?" Sirius asks.
Remus laughs. "We'll stop for food, and get back to it," he insists. "You're… sticking around this time?"
"There's no getting rid of me," Sirius promises him. "I have savings until I find another job, I have the love of my life and I have a son. There's nothing more I could ever want. But I'm here, Remus. From here on out, we do it all together."
Remus grabs him by the front of his t-shirt and their noses bump as Remus leans in for a kiss. He smiles shyly, but his lips press against Sirius' and Sirius is pushed back on the sofa.
Sirius' hands move to Remus' hips, as Remus' body quickly presses against his own. "Here?" Sirius murmurs, remembering the first time they did this - the first time Remus dragged him in for a kiss.
Remus grins. "Bed is too far away, and I've waited too long for this."
Sirius' lips move down Remus' neck, pausing by his mating gland. "Wanted to do this two years ago," Sirius admits.
"There's nothing stopping you now," Remus tells him. "I'm yours. Mark me."
Sirius grins against his neck. He shifts to the side, pushing Remus onto his back on the sofa instead. "As much as I want that, I would prefer to have a ring on your finger first. I want us to be in the healthiest place we can be in first. Let's make the most of this hour, then food, and… well, we'll wing it."
"Uncle," Eri says, reaching for James.
Sirius smiles smugly. James and Regulus might both be Uncle. Peter might be Uncle. But Sirius has something better than Uncle.
He's Papa. It's a little strange to hear, but Remus is already Dad and they've decided that it'd be confusing if they're both Dad.
They're easing Eri into the knowledge that Sirius is his parent. It's a lot for their son to take in, because he's going to need to get used to the fact that Sirius lives with them now.
"So… what next?" James asks, looking between the pair. "You both look happier."
"We're good. Wait, where's Alice?"
"Oh. You remember Frank? Well, we set them up on a date. We figured that it might be a little boring for Alice to be sitting around not knowing anyone whilst you fix things with Remus. They went out yesterday. They've gone out again today."
"I'm glad. She's a good friend," he says. "As for me and Remus…"
"We've got a lot of talking to do and a lot of healing. It'll be a long time before we're where we used to be, but I believe that we can get there. We've actually talked about what we want in the future. We're finally on the same page."
"Definitely marriage. Maybe more kids. Definitely a nice house together. James, your dad offered me a job. As for seeing Hope again… Remus has explained what happened to her, but I hope she doesn't hold that against me."
"She won't," Remus says. He looks between his three friends. "Thank you," he says. "For sticking with me and helping me, even though I've been like a lost cause. It wasn't just Eri that kept me going these last two years, it was you guys too. I owe you all so much."
"Anything for you," James insists. "We're here for you, and that'll never change. But… if you really want to make it up to us, you two will finally tie the bloody knot."
"Trust me, we're working on it."
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