She-blah
Episode 9
Nope Princess Left Behind
Deep within the Horde Fortress, in Shadow Weaver's sinister lair, Catra chuckled to herself as she admired She-blah's stolen sword, twirling it in her hand.
"I'm gonna use this bitch to shave my legs," she stated smugly.
"Do NOT use my tub," Shadow Weaver growled, floating behind her in the glow of the Black Garnet crystal.
"Yeah, you're right, it's way too sharp, I'll nick myself." Catra paused. "I'm gonna use it to shave Kyle's legs. So, Shadow Weaver…" She smirked over at her. "How does it feel to work so hard and then have someone else barge in and steal all the credit?"
The computer panel mounted on the wall in front of them suddenly flickered on, Hordak appearing on the screen.
"Shadow Weaver," he said, "great job capturing the Princess of Bright Moon all by yourself. Independently. Without any help from anyone else. You get a pizza party." He blew a noisemaker and threw some confetti in the air. The screen snapped off. Catra gaped in disbelief.
"Like that, I believe," Shadow Weaver said acidly.
"What the fuck!" Catra sputtered in outrage. "That's not fair! I'm the one who caught her, not you!"
"You work for me," Shadow Weaver snarked. "Anything you do, I take the credit for."
"Oh yeah well if that's how it works then I overflowed all the toilets in the girl's locker room." Catra crossed her arms and glared. "See how you like that!"
The screen snapped on again.
"...The fuck shit in all the toilets?" Hordak asked in a dangerous tone. Shadow Weaver wordlessly pointed at Catra. "Clean up this mess or you will be expelled." He threw some more confetti and released several balloons before it turned off again.
"...Why does he keep doing that-"
"I get credit for all the good things you do," Shadow Weaver clarified. "You get the blame for all the bad ones."
"...I've made a horrible mistake," Catra whispered to herself. She held up the sword. "...I'm gonna use this as a plunger."
Glimmer, meanwhile, was being held captive nearby, the crackling red energy of the Black Garnet keeping her trapped in a barrier.
"Huh...wha?" She groaned and lifted her head, looking around groggily. "Where...am I? That must've been some party-"
"Welcome to the Fright Zone, Princess," Shadow Weaver hissed, slithering up. "You've been placed in detention until your mother comes to pick you up." Glimmer stared at her in horror.
"...So do I get a phone call or anything...?"
-Back at Bright Moon-
"You're WHERE?! The FRIGHT ZONE?!" Queen Angella shouted into the phone, standing at the table in Bright Moon's meeting room. "Why couldn't you have been taken to jail?! At least then I could have just bailed you out! Now I have to go in for a parent-teacher conference! You are in SO much trouble, young lady!" She slammed the phone down on the receiver with a huff.
"Please, calm down, Queen Angella," Adora said, standing next to her. "I know how you feel, how painful it is to lose a loved one. I lost someone too-"
"Bow?" Queen Angella asked gently.
"My swo- BOW." Adora stood there wide-eyed. "I meant Bow. My best friend. And totally not my awesome sword that turns me into a kick-ass ten-foot warrior with amazing hair and super comfy shorts ANYWAY we can't just give in to their demands! There HAS to be another way!" She stood up determinedly. "I will rescue Glimmer and Bow! I know the Fright Zone, inside and out! I'll find a way to get them back!"
"And...which way is the Fright Zone?" Queen Angella asked after a moment. Adora stared at her blankly.
"...Th...that way?" She pointed off to the left.
"No."
"...That way?" She pointed to the right.
"No!"
"Whatever! I'll find it eventually!" Adora exploded. "I'll bring them home, I promise!" She marched out of the room, slammed the door, then popped her head back in after a few moments. "...It's that way right?" She pointed downwards.
Groaning, the Queen slumped over in her chair, defeated.
Adora stormed off down the hallway, muttering angrily to herself. She turned a corner and gasped as flower petals began floating around her. She looked up to see Mermista, Perfuma, and Entrapta waiting at the end of the hallway, standing in place and smiling expectantly. She smiled back at her friends, touched by their-
*Flush!*
Seahawk walked out of the nearby restroom, shaking water off his hands. He saw Adora and stopped.
"Oh of COURSE she comes out the second I had to go tinkle!" He hurried over to join the others and took his place. The music continued to swell dramatically as-
"Gah-CHOOO!" Entrapta inhaled a flower petal and sneezed, showering the others with snot.
"Godammit, can we do ONE thing without fucking up?!" Mermista shouted. "Seriously, you guys are- (*ba-ding!*) -oh hold on I just got a text-"
"What are you guys doing here?" Adora asked them.
"Obviously we're concerned about our dear friends, Glitter and Ho," Seahawk began.
"Glimmer and Bow," Perfuma corrected.
"I was close-"
"We're the Princess Alliance," Mermista cut in, looking up from her phone. "Let's go get our bitches back."
"You're gonna make me cry," Adora whimpered, wiping her eyes. "Come on, bring it in. Group hug- who just grabbed my ass?"
"Sorry," Perfuma said, blushing.
"I'm not," Seahawk added with a wink.
-With Bow-
Meanwhile, deep inside the Horde fortress, Kyle was walking along the prisoner block, a large room with dozens of cells lining the walls like a honeycomb. He approached one of the cells with a tray of food.
"Here are your dinner rations, prisoner," Kyle said, pushing the tray through a slot in the energy barrier. Bow, who sat inside, picked it up and frowned.
"...Did you eat from this?" he asked uncertainly.
"Only a little," Kyle admitted. "Lonnie stole my breakfast, and then Catra stole my lunch, even though it was and she hates- WAIT. You're...talking to me?" He stared at Bow in shock. "No-one...ever talks to me. They just yell and swear at me. Usually both at the same time- I mean…" He cleared his throat and started over. "Hi, I'm Kyle, and I'm starved for affection!"
"Well, Kyle, you're in for a treat," Bow said with a wink, "because that's all I serve."
Kyle whimpered softly and started to cry.
"So now that we're best friends and all how about you tell me where they're keeping the Princess?" Bow rushed on.
"I can't tell you that!" Kyle gasped. "It's classified! Not even for a hug!"
Bow stood there for a moment, then opened his arms invitingly. Kyle went bright red.
"I'm not ready for this kind of commitment!" he squealed, scurrying back to the elevator and riding it down. "...Call me!"
"I should have gone with a lap dance," Bow muttered to himself.
-Back at Bright Moon-
The Princess Squad (Seahawk included) was holding an emergency meeting in Glimmer's bedroom. They sat in a circle on the floor, deep in conversation.
"Alright," Adora said, taking charge, "listen up, everyone. Here's the plan-"
"OMG, #SquadGoals-"
"Mermista put your fucking phone away!" Adora snapped at her, glaring.
"I will turn you into a meme," Mermista shot back dangerously.
"You really need to take a break from all the devices that are cluttering up your life and just cherish the world as it is-"
"Perfuma put your fucking pot away." Adora snapped at her, too. One of Entrapta's pigtails slithered up and snatched the phone out of Mermista's hands.
"Aaaaaand hacked- oh my God so many nudes and dick pics this is amazing-"
"Entrapta put the fucking tech away!"
"Are we...playing some kind of game?" Seahawk asked, confused. "Here, I'll start. Never have I ever downed a dozen jello shots off of Mermista's ass in the middle of a club." He paused. "I have to take a drink, because I have."
"ENOUGH!" Adora shouted. "Everyone sit the FUCK down while I tell you the plan!" Everyone quickly sat down. Adora slapped down a boot in front of her. "Alright, this is the Horde prison. Glimmer and Bow are being held inside-"
"The Horde prison looks like a ugly boot?" Seahawk scoffed. "That is inhumane!"
"Fine, then give her one of yours," Mermista said.
"Over my dead body!" Seahawk crossed his arms defiantly.
"Happy to oblige!" Entrapta said, pulling out her taser.
"Quit it, you guys!" Adora began placing objects around the boot. "Entrapta, you're the cell phone. Perfuma, you're the joint. Mermista, you're the fish-stick-"
"I find that offensive."
"You're the one eating them!" Adora rolled her eyes. "Seahawk, you're the tampon."
"Oh, come on!" He threw his hands up.
"It's that or the Preparation H."
"...Tampon it is!"
"Actually, I need to change mine, I'm just gonna take that," Mermista said, reaching out.
"Hey, no! We need it-"
"Don't worry." Seahawk pulled out his wallet. "I can be this condom - extra LARGE-"
"Everyone, FOCUS!" Adora shouted again. They shut up. "Now. Our entry point will be here, next to the scrap yard. Perfuma and Entrapta will access the security tower and wait for my signal to disable the lights. Mermista will access the Fright Zone's sewer system, swimming through the pipes into the building, and-"
"Why do I have to swim through the sewer?" Mermista protested. "Because I happen to breathe underwater? More racism."
"I'll pay for your next phone upgrade."
"...Get me a blue one."
"Seahawk and I will take up positions by the entrance and take out any guards on patrol," Adora went on. "Perfuma and Entrapta will regroup on our position and we'll enter when Mermista opens the door. Everyone got that?" She looked up expectantly.
Seahawk was standing in front of Glimmer's closet, trying on a pair of her shoes.
"Ugh, she should be locked up for wearing these things-"
"Hey, hope she doesn't mind, I'm eating, like, all of her snacks," Perfuma said, holding an armful of stolen munchies and stuffing some chips in her mouth. "I got hungry." Behind her, Mermista was grappling with Entrapta over her phone.
"Just one tweet, I just wanna do one tweet-"
"Hold on, I'm not done my research on sexting-"
"...We are so fucked," Adora whispered.
-The Plan Begins!-
Mermista slogged waist-deep through the putrid sewers of the Horde Fortress, grumbling to herself. There was a faint flushing and several gallons of nasty piss water dumped on her head.
"This can't possibly get any worse," she groaned.
A head suddenly popped out of the pipe above her, sputtering and gasping for air. They blinked down at her.
"...Hi, my name's Kyle. Wanna be my friend?"
"...You deserve that swirlie," Mermista said with utmost conviction, then kept going.
Up above, Adora and Seahawk slunk to the front entrance of the Horde Fortress compound, a large green building with a multitude of twisting pipes.
"Okay, Mermista should be in position," Adora whispered. "I need to signal- wait where's my mirror? Who took..." She turned, glared, and snatched a little compact mirror away from Seahawk.
"I was fixing my guy-liner you bitch! I need to be on fleek!" He lunged and the two fought over it, the mirror flashing off the lights. Over in a watch tower, Perfuma gasped.
"Look, there's the signal! Turn off the lights!"
"Got it!" Entrapta pulled out a fork and started toward a nearby outlet.
"Oh my God what is wrong with you?! Just cut the wires!"
"Got it!" Entrapta yanked a bundle of wires out of the console and started chewing on them.
"Seriously?!" Perfuma gaped at her. "Just use your tools! Are you trying a new social experiment on how annoying you can be?!" Entrapta gave her a blank stare, then slowly lifted up a pen and pad of paper.
"...Would you be annoyed if I said yes-"
"I am trying to get into She-blah shorts!" Perfuma hissed furiously. "Do NOT fuck this up for me!" Summoning some thorns, she ripped through the wires and the lights snapped off. Below, the guards in front of the entrance looked around in confusion.
"Okay, we go on three," Adora whispered to Seahawk. "Ready? One-"
"I can't count!" Seahawk sang, eagerly leaping forward.
"Of course you fucking can't why am I not surprised-"
"ADVENTUUUUUREoh my God they're so much stronger than I thought help help help-"
Adora rolled her eyes before throwing herself into the fray, easily beating the guards to a pulp. She dusted her hands off and scowled at Seahawk.
"Look, I'm sorry," he said. "I know I was a bit premature on my ejaculation but I just got really worked up. I promise to take it slow and steady next time and make sure you're fully satisfied with my performance-"
"STOP TALKING." Adora gave him a death glare. "Anyway, let's secure these guards."
"I'm on it!" Seahawk said, pulling out some rope. "I have plenty of experience tying people up-"
"Seriously stop fucking talking or I will MAKE you stop."
"Entrapta?" Perfuma called, climbing down the watch tower and glancing around. "Ugh, I turn my back for one second and she's gone. Where did she go?" She turned a corner and found her sitting next to a little roomba-like robot.
"Look what I found!" Entrapta squealed with delight. "A lil' baby! He's so cute! Can I keep him, please please please? I'll reprogram him every day and clean his processor and change his oil-"
"No! You're not ready for that responsibility!" Perfuma cried. "You can't even wipe your own ass!"
"Yes I can-"
"I can smell it on you!"
"...Okay but I'm getting better at it, my underwear isn't nearly as dirty as before-"
"ENOUGH! Let's go!" Perfuma grabbed Entrapta with some vines and dragged her off towards the front of the building.
Adora and Seahawk had finished tying the guards up and shoved them into a corner.
"I think I have some spare ball gags on me, just a sec," Seahawk said, rifling around in his pockets. Some sex dice and a pair of handcuffs fell out.
"I really need to ask Mermista what the safe word is," Adora muttered to herself, then looked up to see Scorpia zooming over on a little hover-jet thing. She gasped and hid behind a nearby pile of junk. "Seahawk, duck!" she hissed.
"Where?!" He pulled out a bag of breadcrumbs, looking around excitedly.
"Oh my fucking God you deserve it nevermind-"
"Halt!" Scorpia cried, stopping the vehicle. "Who are you?" Seahawk stared at her for a long moment, then threw some bread crumbs at her. "Hey, thanks, I was getting a little hungry. But seriously, who are you?"
"I am the, uhh...inspector," Seahawk said, thinking fast. "I'm here to...inspect things?"
"Inspector?" Scorpia asked suspiciously, studying him for a long moment. "...Ohh! You're the health inspector! Of course!" Seahawk sighed with relief. "Great timing! I've got this weird rash on my taint that will not-"
"Whoa, wait, there's been a misunderstanding!" he sputtered. "I'm, uh, actually the stripper-"
"Perfect! It's Rogelio's birthday! Let's go!" Scorpia grabbed him by the arm with one huge claw and dragged him off.
"...What the fuck just happened?" Adora asked herself. "We had a plan. I made a Powerpoint Presentation. Everyone had color-coded FOLDERS." She came out of hiding as Perfuma trotted up, Entrapta in tow. "Where the fuck were you guys?!"
"Hey, you try keeping her on task!" Perfuma shot back. "She's like a hyperactive two-year-old! Poopy pants included!"
"I said I was getting better at it-"
"NO YOU'RE NOT!" Perfuma threw some flowers at her to counteract the stink.
"This isn't a game!" Adora shouted at them. "Glimmer, Bow, and most importantly, my sword are being held captive in there and we're already a man down! Seahawk's gone- wait hold on this is actually a good thing. Okay, forget that last part-"
"Alright, everyone," Perfuma said, clapping her hands. "Let's all just calm down and do some breathing exercises. Here, let me give you a sensual shoulder massage-" A siren started wailing through the compound. "Goddamnit even the alarm is cock-blocking me-"
The door behind them opened to reveal Mermista standing there, soaking wet and smelling worse than Entrapta.
"No-one says a word," she ground out dangerously, "and I won't kill you."
"...I think you have a turd in your hair," Entrapta said after a tense pause.
Mermista screamed and lunged for her.
After breaking up the fight, the group entered the building and began sneaking along the corridors, sticking to the shadows and dodging patrols of Horde guards.
"Okay, guys," Adora whispered to the others, "first we need to-"
"Entrapta's gone," Mermista said suddenly.
"Oh my God, did you seriously fucking kill her?" Adora asked in shock.
"Unfortunately, no. She wandered off."
"How could you just LOSE her?!"
"You lost Seahawk. Bite me."
"Godammit, Entrapta, where did you- wait hold on this is also a good thing-"
-Meanwhile…-
Entrapta was aimlessly wandering the compound, sticking her head where it didn't belong, like the garbage shoot and the boy's bathroom.
"Edit to log," she said into her tape-recorder, "it appears that male Horde soldiers also have penises like regular people."
"Hey!"
"Rather small ones, though."
"Hey! Get outta here!"
"You're right, there's not much to see." Losing interest, she turned to leave and caught sight of the little roomba robot from before, scooting along the floor.
"Baby!" She chased it around a corner and came face-to-face with an enormous round robot, which loomed over her menacingly. "...And you must be mama bear," she said with a nervous chuckle. "Well, it's a good thing I already shit myself."
-With Glimmer-
Glimmer, meanwhile, was still being held captive by the dark energy field of the Black Garnet.
"Heyyy, uh, can I have like a book or something?" she called out. "Getting kinda bored here. Also hungry. I think I see some chips over there. It's cool, I'll help myself." She attempted to teleport over to the snack table, but cried out in pain as she suddenly glitched, turning red and dematerializing for an instant.
"I should warn you, Princess," Shadow Weaver said, slithering up, "any attempt to teleport out of these restraints will only cause you pain. My Black Garnet and your powers… don't mix."
"Oh please," Glimmer snorted. "I've had worse menstrual cramps. This is nothing compared to the time mom grounded me for-"
"Speaking of your mother," Shadow Weaver cut in, "she will be here soon."
"Oh God, is this part of the torture? Please, not that! She's going to be SO mad at me-"
"She's not coming here to punish you. She is coming here for...a parent-teacher conference."
"...What the fuck, that's even worse! Just fucking kill me!" She glared at Shadow Weaver defiantly. "You won't get away with this! She-blah is gonna kick your ass!" Shadow Weaver wordlessly held up She-blah's sword. "...Adora is gonna kick your ass!"
"Adora will be powerless. With She-blah gone, there will be no one left to stop us," Shadow Weaver gloated. "In a few hours Etheria will be ours to rule, the great and powerful Horde-"
"Hey, I need this again," Catra said, popping up beside her and taking the sword. "I tried to give Kyle a swirlie and he got sucked halfway down the pipe."
"...You're going to plunge him out with that?" Glimmer asked incredulously.
"Fuck no, I'm putting him out of his misery."
-Meanwhile-
Back outside, Scorpia stood with Seahawk, who had stripped down to his underwear and was now wearing high-heels and covered in glittery sweat. He panted, fanning himself with some singles from his thong.
"I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can give another lap dance," he groaned. "My thighs are killing me. Can I go now?"
"You know...you look familiar," Scorpia said, frowning at him.
"Perhaps you've seen me...on Tinder," he crooned, winking seductively.
"Oh, no, I'm a raging lesbian," she said distractedly. "Wait, I remember!" She snapped a claw. "Princess Prom! I saw you there with Princess Mermista!"
"I...don't know what you're talking about," Seahawk began.
"Yeah, you two were making out in the fondue pot."
"I would never do such a thing-"
"We got it on film and everything! Look, here it is on YouTube." Scorpia held up her phone to a video titled: "Two Sluts Make Out in Fondue Pot".
"I have got to work on my technique," Seahawk muttered, then realized he was in danger and began nervously backing away. "I mean, uhhh, I plead the fifth…" He bumped into a computer console, which suddenly lit up, displaying the word DICK. Seahawk stared at it in confusion for a long moment, then slowly pulled his underwear down and stood there.
"Yeah, that's definitely not gonna work on me," Scorpia scoffed. "Raging lesbian, remember?"
The words onscreen changed to *DUCK STUPID AUTOCORRECT.
"Oh, fine!" Seahawk threw his hands up. "Be a tease!"
A quacking duck suddenly shot through the air like it was launched from a cannon, hitting Scorpia in the head and knocking her into the nearby wall. Seahawk blinked.
"That is not what I thought was going to happen-"
"Heyyy!" Entrapta called, riding the giant robot down the wall like a valiant steed. "Are you al- why is your dick out?" She pulled out her tape recorder. "Edit to log: Seahawk's penis is...slightly below average."
"God, no-one here appreciates my dick!" Seahawk looked down. "It's okay, lil' guy, I appreciate you. And so does Mermista, when she's horny."
-Inside the Fortress-
Deep within the fortress, Adora was busily checking the computers in a cramped room.
"Okay," she said, typing away, "I found Bow's cell, but I can't find Glimmer anywhere-"
"Wait a second," Mermista interrupted. "You found him? Just like that? What is this place, some kind of evil hotel?"
"Of course! We're professionals, it's our job to ensure your stay is as horrific as possible." Adora pointed at the screen. "See, he booked a single room cell, non-crying with a malfunctioning toilet and moldy walls-"
"Oh my God, forget it," Mermista turned to leave when the door to the room slid open, revealing a huge round robot. "Holy shit fucking kill it!"
"Hey, guys!" Entrapta said, popping up from the robot's back and waving. "Look what I found!"
"...Holy shit fucking kill it!"
"And me!" Seahawk joined in, popping up next to the robot.
"...Okay seriously fucking kill it-"
"This is my new friend Emily," Entrapta explained, patting the robot. "I reprogrammed her. She is now completely harmless-" The robot suddenly lunged forward and gobbled up Seahawk in one bite. "...She still has some bugs to work out."
"I'm okay!" Seahawk called from inside, his voice echoing.
"No, it's cool, just stay in there," Mermista said.
"Alright!" Adora shouted, clapping her hands. "We're all together again! Princess Squad, move OUT!"
-Princess Squad, GO!-
Moving fast, the group of friends busted their way into the command center for the prison cells, an angular room in the middle of the hive of cells. Once the guards were politely asked to leave (just kidding Mermista fucking murdered them), they stopped in front of the console.
"Can you get us to his cell?" Adora asked.
"Of course! Leave it to me!" Entrapta said confidently, hitting a button. There was an agonized scream as someone in a cell was suddenly electrocuted. "...Don't worry, I've got this!" She hit another button. There was another scream as a prisoner's room suddenly filled with flames.
"Maybe you should-" Adora began.
"No! I can do this!" Entrapta shouted, randomly slapping at some buttons. A bridge extended from the control room up to the wall of cells. "Ha! And you guys doubted me!"
"Okay, let's hurry and go before she kills him," Adora said quickly. "Seahawk, Perfuma, you come with me. Mermista, you stay and babysit her."
"Fine," Mermista said with an eye-roll, "but I'm charging. Here are my going rates."
Bow, meanwhile, was trying to get out of his cell the only way he knew how.
By making friends with it.
"Come on, now," he gently coaxed. "You can trust me, I promise. Just...open up to me. Please?" The barrier didn't budge. "Pretty please?" Still nothing. "...You are the most lovely shade of green." The barrier turned a soft pink as it blushed at the compliment.
"Bow!" Kyle suddenly ran up, panting for breath. "I found out where your friend is being kept! Shadow Weaver has her in the Black Garnet chamber!"
"What?!" Bow gasped. "Why are you telling me this?"
"I don't know," Kyle said. "It probably has to do with my desperate need for a friend to fill the empty void inside my heart. Also, you're the first person to ever truly listen to-"
"Yeah yeah, sure," Bow cut in hurriedly, "we're best friends, whatever. Now get me out of here!"
"Let's hurry this up," Adora said as she began to cross the bridge, Seahawk and Perfuma in tow. "The last thing I wanna do is run into my old friends, it'd be super awkward-" The bridge rose up and stopped at the next floor where Lonnie, the lizard guy Rogelio (who was still wearing a birthday hat) and a couple of Horde guards stood, gaping at her. "...Hey guys how's it going. What's new?" Lonnie snarled and whipped out a stun rod with crackling green energy. "That definitely is. No fair! Why did you guys get cool shit after I leave?" Lonnie and the others jumped onto the platform, blocking their path. "Hey, out of the way! I need to save my friends!"
"We were your friends!" Lonnie shot back.
"...No you weren't. You were a total bitch to me. You stole my lunch money and made fun of my hair."
"In my defense, your hair is pretty stupid."
"You bitch!" Adora lunged for her.
Rogelio dashed by and burst into the control room, roaring menacingly. He took a step forward, got one sniff of Mermista, and backed away, gagging, then bumped into Entrapta, reeled in shock, and passed out.
"Oh my GOD! I get it, I fucking smell!" Mermista shouted, throwing her arms up. "I'll take a shower after this!"
"I won't," Entrapta said proudly.
"I'm so unappreciated around here," Kyle was saying to Bow. "Everyone just picks on me. No one thinks I can do anything right-"
"Look man, I'm not your therapist-" Bow began, then caught sight of Adora and the others battling on the elevator. "...So when do you think these feelings started?" He sat down on a couch and whipped out a pen and paper.
"Probably around the time I said, 'Hi, my name is Kyle, I'm new in the Horde'-"
"Uh huh," Bow said, watching the battle over his shoulder.
"-and that's why my only source of stress relief is writing Catradora fanfiction-"
"Okay."
"-so I was thinking...maybe...we can be friends?" Kyle placed a hand on the barrier, smiling at Bow.
"Sure thing." Bow smiled back and placed his hand on his. "Friends forever." The elevator finally stopped in front of his cell and Seahawk hopped off.
"Who is this scrawny loser? Get lost, nerd!" He shoved him into a nearby locker and slammed it shut. "Bow! We're here to rescue you!"
"And steal my job?!" Bow hissed, glaring at him. "I'm the stripper of this party, you're the slutty himbo. Stay in your lane!"
"You're welcome!" Seahawk punched the keypad by the door. It immediately lit up red.
"Self-destruct initiated," it said calmly.
"Whoopsie daisie!" Seahawk punched it again.
"Toxic gas being released-"
"Third time's the charm!" Seahawk punched it one last time. The green barrier fizzled out, releasing Bow.
"See?!" Entrapta shouted from the control room. "It's not just me!"
"Bow! You're okay!" Adora cried, running up. "Where's Glimmer?"
"Adora!" Bow gave her a warm hug. "Shadow Weaver has her in the Black Garnet chamber!"
"The penthouse suite?!" She gasped aloud. "Hurry, you guys! Those fees add up fast! Let's go!" They all ran off as the alarm began to wail, red lights flashing. The group dashed through hallways with guards hot on their heels. Turning a corner, Adora stopped at a door. "Okay, this vent system leads to where you can steal a skiff. Each chamber needs to be sealed and purged before you can move on, and the doors will only stay open for a few seconds, so you have to hurry-"
"That sounds like the dumbest fucking system, why would they do it like that-"
"You would know if you'd been here for taco night," Adora said, a haunted look in her eyes. "Now go!" She shoved them forward through the door. Bow hesitated.
"Adora, what are you doing?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm gonna buy you some time and find Glimmer," Adora said, staying back. "I'll meet you there."
"No!" He ran toward her, desperately reaching out.
"Just go!" Adora punched the panel beside the door.
"Invalid entry," it chimed. "Please try again." Adora frowned and punched it again. "Invalid entry," it repeated. "Please try again."
"Oh, Godammit, FINE," Adora grumbled, squinting at the keypad. "What was the password again? 22...96? Or was it...67...34?" She entered a code and the door blatted at her.
"Incorrect code. Please try again."
"Son of a-! Hey, do you guys know what the password is?" She turned to the armed guards standing behind her.
"I'm pretty sure it was 1173," one guard answered.
"No, dumbass, it's 1174," another corrected.
"See?! It's not just us!" Entrapta and Seahawk shouted.
"Okay, let's try 1174," Adora said, turning back to the keypad. "Gimme a second here."
"Uh-huh, sure," Bow said, waiting patiently as she typed it in. Immediately the door hissed shut and Bow wailed in anguish. "Adora NOOOO!"
"Christ, finally. That was SO awkward." Adora turned back to the Horde guards and slowly raised her hands. "I surrender. Take me to Shadow Weaver."
"Alright, put your hands on top of your stupid hairdo and let's-" Adora punched him in the throat, cutting him off.
"...Okay now I surrender."
-A Few Moments Later-
The Horde guards led Adora to the Black Garnet chamber, her hands tied behind her back.
"Glimmer!" she cried, seeing her friend being held captive. "I'm here! Don't worry!" The guards began to strap her to a table with restraints. "Everything is going to be okay!" The guards pulled out some chains and started wrapping them around her arms and legs. "I swear I'll save you!" The guards started attaching padlocks. "OKAY SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS-"
"Hey Adora," Glimmer said. "Crazy party, huh? Personally, I've been to crazier. One time I woke up handcuffed to a bed, naked and covered in whipped cream." She paused. "Turns out it was just Bow. I got sick on whipped cream and puked all over my clothes so he was washing them and handcuffed me to the bed so I wouldn't fall off-"
"Adora, sweetie! You're finally home!" The table tilted upright as Shadow Weaver slithered forward. "You," she snapped coldly at Catra, "pack your things and get out. You're fired."
"Who, what? ME?" Catra asked in disbelief.
"Of course you." Shadow Weaver snorted in disdain. "Now that my baby is back, there's no need for you."
"Ugh!" Catra threw her hands up in disgust. "After everything I've done for you?!" She stomped over to her desk and started flinging her coffee mug and photos into a box. "All the overtime I pulled?! I can't believe this!" She finished packing her things, then promptly sat in the box, sulking. The guards awkwardly dragged her out the door.
"Okay, here's the deal," Adora said to Shadow Weaver. "I will stay here and be your perfect little Horde Captain, but you have to let Glimmer go first."
"Oh, you'll stay, willingly," Shadow Weaver hissed, "because I'm going to wipe your mind. You won't remember being She-blah or a part of the Rebellion or-"
"Oh thank God I'll forget I ever met Seahawk- I mean no my precious friends!" Adora paused. "...Is there any way to selectively wipe my mind?"
"Don't worry, it's perfectly safe and won't cause any permanent damage." Shadow Weaver's hands began to glow with red energy as she cupped Adora's face. "Although, to be safe, what size diaper do you take?"
"Probably like a medium- wait hold on what-" Adora broke off in a scream of agony while Glimmer watched helplessly.
"Adora, NO!" she wailed. "Hang on, I'm coming!" She closed her eyes and attempted to teleport again, struggling mightily while glitching in and out of sight. With a cry of effort, she broke free from the Dark Garnet and teleported over to the snack table, ate some chips, drank a soda, then picked up the coffee pot and smashed it over Shadow Weaver's head, knocking her to the ground. "The power of friendship, bitch!" Glimmer rushed to Adora, hurriedly undoing her restraints. "Adora! Are you okay? Do you remember me?" Adora's eyes snapped open and she seized Glimmer by the throat.
"Die, Princess scum!"
"Nooooo!"
"Just kidding, of course I remember you," Adora laughed, then paused darkly. "I also remember you ate the burrito I left in the fridge. Do it again and I'll kill you." Glimmer gave a weak laugh of relief. "I'm totally serious." She choked.
-Meanwhile-
Bow and the girls (Seahawk included) had finally reached the end of the vent system and halted at the entrance to take a breather.
"Phew, we made it!" Seahawk said, panting heavily. "Ugh, these heels are going in the trash, I am getting SO many blisters." He looked around and pointed. "Alright, this way to the vehicle bay. Let's steal a ride!"
"You know how to hotwire a skiff?" Perfuma asked, impressed.
"Fuck no, I'll bang the guard and steal his keys-"
"ExCUSE me?" Mermista glared at him. "Maybe I wanna bang the guard. That's your problem. You never think about ME-"
"Babe, it's pretty obvious who he's gonna want to bang more. You're covered in toilet juice."
"Oh please. You'd still do me."
"Damn right I would-" Seahawk started for her.
"Oh my God," Bow cut them off before shit started getting nasty, "I'll bang the guard, let's just GO!"
Still arguing, they all dashed forward, except for Entrapta, who stayed back in the vent with her robot, which had frozen in place.
"What's wrong, Emily?" She leaned close and peered at its screen. "What is- a system update?! NOW?! Are you kidding me?"
"Huh, that's funny," Bow said. "I'm not that annoyed anymore. I wonder why- WAIT A SEC WHERE'S ENTRAPTA?!"
Everyone turned back and watched in horror as the vent slammed shut in front of Entrapta, trapping her inside. There was a furious blast of green fire that incinerated everything in the vent, followed by a volley of machine gun fire and a pack of wild dogs, which was really a bit excessive. They all stood there in shocked silence.
"...Oh thank God," Mermista said. Everyone looked at her. "Oh, what, like I was the only one thinking it? Let's fucking go already."
-Inside the Fortress-
Alarms began to wail as Adora and Glimmer ran for the front exit, which rudely slammed shut in front of them.
"Don't worry, I got this! Hnnnnngh!" Glimmer closed her eyes and grunted with effort.
"...What're you doing?" Adora asked. "Trying to fart?"
"I'm trying to teleport!" Glimmer huffed in frustration. "Though I did fart a little. Dammit, what's wrong with me?" They both jumped at a high-pitched squeal behind them and jerked around to see Catra slowly approaching the pair, menacingly scraping She-blah's sword along the wall. She stopped in front of them and they faced off, the tension thick as she raised the sword and-
"Oh my God, did you draw a dick?"
"No I- I mean, okay, yes, but that's not the- Godammit!" Catra thrust the sword out to Adora. "Here, take it."
"...No." Adora narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "I don't trust you. This is a trap."
"I'm giving it to you," Catra ground out.
"I don't believe you! It's probably been tampered with or- why does it smell like poop?"
"Because I used it to unclog the toilets and shave Kyle's legs and-"
"Okay enough give it here." Adora snatched her sword back and held it protectively to her chest. "Don't worry, baby, I'm here. I'll get you cleaned up and sharpened as soon as I can-" She looked up to find Catra gone. She'd left a dead mouse at her feet, though. "Fucking SICK- come on, Glimmer. It's time to go." She turned, raised the sword, and-
Punched the door down.
"...What did you even need the sword for then?" Glimmer asked after a moment.
"It just makes me look cooler," Adora snapped. "Now let's go!" She grabbed Glimmer's hand and dragged her off.
-Outside-
Outside the Horde fortress, the others zoomed through the rocky wasteland on a small skiff, desperately searching the dunes.
"There they are!" Bow cried, spotting Adora and Glimmer in the distance. The skiff zoomed right towards the pair…
And kept right on going.
"Hey! What the hell!"
"Sorry, I'm still getting the hang of this thing!" Seahawk yelled back, yanking at the wheel. Finally he managed to turn it around and…
Immediately stalled.
"Godammit I popped the clutch!"
"Someone else fucking drive!" Mermista snapped.
"I'm still buzzed from the party," Bow stated.
"I am not contributing to global carbon emissions," Perfuma said with a huff.
"Well I'm not driving," Mermista sniffed, crossing her arms. "If the cops catch me again, I'm getting five to ten. Whatever, just drive."
Adora and Glimmer caught up and scrambled onto the skiff, laughing and hugging their friends with relief.
"You guys are okay!" Bow cried jubilantly, throwing his arms around the pair in a fierce hug. The joy faded away as Adora noticed that something was...missing.
"...Wait a second," she said, looking around. "What's going on? I'm...not annoyed."
"You sure about that?" Mermista said, glaring at Seahawk, who accidentally turned on the windshield wipers and sprayed her in the face.
"Not the first time that's happened-"
"IT'S ABOUT TO BE THE LAST."
"Baby I'm sorry I can't control it-"
"No, no," Adora went on, shaking her head. "Something's wrong here…something..." She suddenly gasped. "Oh my God! Entrapta! Where is she?!"
"She...didn't make it," Bow said sadly, looking down. "She's...gone."
Adora gaped at him in disbelief.
"...Then what the fuck are we doing just standing here for the love of God fucking DRIVE-"
"Aww, I knew you'd want to go back and save-"
"-AWAY WHILE WE STILL CAN-"
"Told you," Mermista said.
"I'm revoking all your Friendship Certificates," Bow grumbled to himself.
-Episode 9 End-