Chapter 38 – Part 38

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Surprise, I'm back with a new chapter! I know, it's been a year since I put anything up in this fic, but I had a few ideas that I wanted to share here! These are just some of the crazy things that my brain has come up with over the last year that I think you'll all enjoy.

It's hard to believe that I'm still writing rules for the Idiot's Guide after all these years. I started writing the rules back in late 2006/early 2007 and published the first chapter in March 2008. It's grown so much since then. I'd worked on this a lot as a way to stress-relieve during college and the early part of my graduate school career. I know that there are a lot of other fics out there with a similar premise, but I've been working on this series primarily in a vacuum, only supplemented by the ideas suggested to me by you lovely readers.

And, now more than ever, I think that we all need this kind of entertainment. The world is crazy, so I think everyone needs some seriously ridiculous entertainment to keep us amused (and distracted, if you need it) during these challenging times.

Here we are, another set of rules of the craziness of the Atlantis Expedition! I hope you all have a laugh at the general insanity and idiocy that the Atlantis Expedition gets into while in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Elizabeth was not surprised when she had to put the latest rule up. Really, it wasn't fair to Jen, Carson, and the entire medical team that they were continually run ragged.

852. No mountain biking off-world.

Seven broken arms, three cracked ribs, and a fractured ankle later, the medical staff was all but demanding that rule.

853. Safe bike trails have been set up on the mainland.

A. You may bike there.

B. The medical staff will not be kind to you if you deviate and get injured.

Better safe than sorry. The rest of the Expedition knew precisely how mean the infirmary could get.

854. Quote The Princess Bride at your own discretion.

A. But, really, if the situation calls for it, go for it.

B. We won't judge you.

The Princess Bride was such a quotable movie. Elizabeth wasn't even mad. Heck, she quoted it enough times herself. As long as they weren't slipping in too many quotes in their reports back to Earth, she wasn't going to do much to stop them. After all, the SGC had dealt with a similar problem a few years back, so it wasn't as if they could penalize the Expedition too much for that.

855. That being said, you are not Miracle Max.

A. Nor are you Inigo Montoya.

B. Or the Priest.

For whatever reason, those three characters had a habit of being quoted the most, when off-world. The natives didn't necessarily always appreciate that fact, especially since they didn't understand the references.

856. The archery range is now located on the northeast pier.

Archery became a sudden selling point amongst the Expedition. Elizabeth didn't see that as a problem. After all, archery seemed to be a good skill set to acquire in their particular line of work.

857. Keep sharp objects away from A-13 upon their immediate return from M3A-449.

A. You know what they're like.

B. This is merely precautionary.

C. They need their munchies first.

Slip-ups happen and A-13, in all their high wisdom, decided to take up hardware fencing upon immediate return from M3A-449. No one was quite sure why. They just did.

858. No fencing please.

The idea seemed to stick. It wasn't a good one. Elizabeth didn't want to set a precedent.

859. If at first you don't succeed . . . proceed with caution.

A. This might be a good time to go with Plan B.

B. Or Plan C.

C. And call back to Atlantis for back-up

She felt like she shouldn't have to say that one, but it didn't hurt to reiterate the notion. No matter how prepared they were, there were just enough incidents that she had to do something to keep the SGC happy.

860. Don't forget to floss.

A. Just don't do the dance move in lieu of actually flossing.

That one came from Jen and Carson. Apparently, they'd gotten some notes back from the SGC's medical staff regarding the oral health of the Expedition. Elizabeth had started to look into getting a dentist for the Expedition. They'd certainly been out here long enough to warrant getting one.

Why the SGC hadn't thought about supplying them with a dentist before now was beyond her. It wasn't like they weren't going to get cavities and other related oral issues while in another galaxy.

861. The footlong sub is not to be shared outside of Earth or the Expedition.

A. This one comes from the SGC.

B. Apparently . . . we're getting bad?

C. Please don't do it for a while. I've gotten enough calls from Earth about this.

Elizabeth wasn't exactly sure why this particular thing was why the SGC contacted her about it. Of all the things that she thought would be of concern from Earth, the foot-long sub was so far down on the list that it didn't register on her top 300 ongoing Atlantean issues.

862. Officially, the Dunk Tank does not exist.

A. Don't blow it for the rest of us.

Okay, so . . . they were getting bored of late. Earth was dealing with some global issues, so they were proceeding with even more caution about getting things out to Atlantis.

The SGC didn't need to know what they were doing to entertain themselves.

863. Trips back to Earth will be suspended until further notice.

A. But we will still receive supply drops via the Daedalus.

B. It takes them three weeks to get out here from Earth.

C. And they can always beam supplies down to us directly without physical contact.

D. We are going to be fine.

What was going on back on Earth had been of great concern to everyone. As a measure of caution, they weren't going to be going back to Earth for a while. Only the oldest and most experienced members of the Expedition was okay with this implementation, while the rest of them were struggling with this quarantine from their home planet.

But that didn't mean that they were completely cut off, like the initial Expedition had been. However, the fears still warranted one more rule on the subject.

864. We are being granted special allowances for video calls back to Earth for the foreseeable future.

A. Just make sure you aren't taking calls in front of somewhere that would ruin our plausible deniability.

The SGC recognized that they were in an odd situation, so certain allowances had to be made for them. Elizabeth was glad that they had done this without her having to ask them for this.

865. Whoever installed the bird feeders on the piers will not be judged.

A. We just want to know who you are.

B. What you did was actually impressive.

Another installment of their boredom exercises . . . and one that Elizabeth wasn't afraid to share with the SGC. They'd discovered some interesting new bird species as a result of someone putting out bird feeders.

866. Don't tease anyone for their phobias.

A. Especially if said phobias include spiders.

B. Arachnophobia is nothing to be ashamed of.

A few members of the Expedition happened to be afraid of spiders. There were a few times where they'd run across large spiders. Things did not always go well as a result.

867. Don't leave A-6 alone with fire.

A. Seriously.

B. This is a known fact.

C. Major Dyson would like to remind everyone that Captain Adams should never be left alone with anything that can be used to make fire.

D. The Alliance and the medical staff backing her up on this one.

Annie and Joshua had both received promotions recently. That had done absolutely nothing to curtail Joshua's pyromaniac tendencies. Annie was trying to ensure the safety of their missions going further because of this.

Elizabeth was okay with posting this rule. She wanted every single one of her teams to come back safely from their missions.

868. We cannot officially lie on our reports.

A. But that does not mean that the truth cannot be stretched to cover our asses.

Elizabeth wasn't officially going to keep the truth from Earth and the SGC. That being said, she also knew that there were certain things that they didn't need to hear about yet.

She would raise those specific topics in one of her one-on-one conversations with Earth.

869. Wait? Who brought back Superwholock?

A. 'Fess up.

B. We won't even be mad about it.

Apparently, the love of Supernatural, Doctor Who, and Sherlock had hit a hard resurgence across Atlantis. Elizabeth was a little surprised by that. Atlantis wasn't always on top of certain pop culture trends back on Earth, so they hit certain major events at weird times . . . and things would double back on themselves at times.

870. Will whoever knitted a sweater onto the 'gate please remove it.

A. And then tell the Smart Camp what fabric you used.

B. They're curious exactly how you kept the fabric from being disintegrated by incoming wormholes.

Someone probably significantly bent or broke a few known laws on the universe on that front. Multiple scientific papers would probably be published in a few years because of this . . . though Elizabeth figured that it would be hard for other scientists to verify their efforts outside of experimental calculations.

That was the downside of being on a highly classified project based in a completely different galaxy.

871. Yes, being on the Expedition is very cool and should give you overall bragging rights. No, you may not rub the noses of your colleagues back on Earth in the dirt about this.

A. Officially, it's because of plausible deniability.

B. Unofficially, it's because we can't bring that many people out here.

C. Don't worry, we'll figure out a way to get you the appropriate street cred in academic circles.

The Smart Camp had repeatedly expressed concerns about the fact that they were so far away from Earth and it would be hard for them to have their experiments replicated back on Earth, save for at the SGC. Elizabeth was going to talk to them about how they could get recognition for the efforts of the Expedition for everything that they had uncovered over the years.

It was only right, after all.

I hope you like this chapter.

Please review and give me feedback on what I did. I really enjoy hearing back from everyone about this one. I know it's been a while since I've posted regularly, but that doesn't mean that I don't like hearing from you. I LOVE hearing from everyone.

I'm looking forward to writing more chapters and more rules going forward. I'm hoping that I can do more writing to keep both you guys and myself entertained.

Until next time – please review and let me know what you think.