Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
The Griffins decided to spend the day at the lake with the Swansons. Out on the lake, Peter and Lois were riding with Joe and Bonnie on their boat. Joe was waterskiing while his son Kevin drove the boat, where Joe did a spin after ramping from a wave.
"Woo-hoo, baby! Twelve in a row!" Joe cheered after pulling off the spin.
Back on the boat, Bonnie removed a green blouse she was wearing and let it drop to the floor of the deck, revealing her bikini clad pregnant body.
"Wow, you must of had a great body before he went all funhouse mirror on ya." Peter commented to Bonnie on her body.
"Oh, I can't believe how terrific you look." Lois complimented Bonnie.
"Thanks. I've been taking taijutsu classes. You should come with me sometime." Bonnie said and then suggested to Lois.
"Oh, I'd love to." Lois responded showing interest.
"Oh! The baby's kicking. Wanna feel?" Bonnie asked Peter and Lois feeling her baby moving in her womb.
"Sure." Peter replied going over to Bonnie and placed his head near her stomach. The baby then accidentally kicked Peter in the face. "Oh, oh, you are freakin' dead, kid!" Peter threatened the unborn baby as he attempted to fight back, but Lois thankfully stopped him.
"Peter!" Lois scolded Peter keeping him from attacking Bonnie's baby.
Meanwhile, Ub, Friz, Meg, Chris, Stewie and Brian were sitting at the docks admiring the scenery. Well, at least most of them were. Ub was the only one among them not really focused on the lake nor the surrounding area's scenic beauty. In fact, he mostly stared blankly at the lake almost as if in a trance as it seemed like he was more focused on something else on his mind. That being when he killed one of Connie D'Amico's friends at her 16th birthday party and never caught for it. He was already having a difficult time trying to cope with the guilt of having killed someone, especially for them doing something that didn't warrant them to die. He looked around and saw a tire swing dangling from a tree nearby before looking back at Peter, Lois and Bonnie riding on the boat with Joe still waterskiing and when he looked back at the tree with the tire swing, he soon found that the tire swing had been replaced with the jock Doug hung from a noose that was tied to the branch of the tree. Ub rubbed his eyes and saw the tire swing again, implying that he was seeing things. He then tried to turn his focus on the lake with everyone else to clear his mind.
"Oh, I love this time of year." Meg commented on the beauty of the lake and the fall season.
"Me, too." Friz agreed.
"Yeah, the summer tourists are gone and we finally have the town to ourselves before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole place." Brian agreed as well while he held a martini in his hand. Brian surveyed the area when he spotted a leaf on a nearby tree change color. He gasped in horror, dropping his martini and then spotted several cars in the horizon making their way to the lake.
"LEAFERS!" Brian loudly exclaimed, to which everyone heard him, including Peter, Lois, Bonnie, Joe and Kevin on the boat.
"Holy crap, we gotta get out of here!" Peter said.
Kevin took action and floored the boat, driving it back to shore.
"What's going on?" Ub asked confused about everyone suddenly panicking.
"No time to explain. We need to go!" Brian simply replied as Ub and Friz followed Brian, Meg, Chris and Stewie when the boat made it back to shore. Peter, Lois and Kevin got off it and headed for the same direction as the kids.
"What about the boat?" Bonnie asked Joe still on the boat.
"Leave it!" Joe replied as he quickly fled.
The Griffins were now at their car where Peter was struggling to try to put the keys in the door of the car.
"Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!" Lois urged Peter.
"What? What's the emergency?" Friz asked just as confused as Ub wondering what was going on.
"We're too late!" Chris stated pointing at the now arriving cars that Brian saw earlier.
"What's too late?" Friz asked still confused.
"Yo, Mattie. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Nix game and red like the sauce on my Mama Mia's gugotz." The man who came out of the passenger side of the car told his friend.
"Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab." The man who came out of the driver's side of the car then commented.
"Bea-utiful." Man #2 then said admiring the scenery.
Peter and Lois then screamed in horror at the first sign of the new nightmare that they'll now face. The family was driving back home with everyone staying silent during the whole trip. Ub and Friz also didn't say anything, but not out of fear, but of confusion and curiousity. The family then returned home as everyone stepped back into the house.
"Okay, will someone please explain to me and Friz what happened earlier at the lake?" Ub asked everyone once again frustrated at how no one was bothering to tell him or Friz about the leafers at the lake. Brian picked up the remote and turned on the TV, which showed a Channel 5 News report featuring Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.
"Good evening. Tonight's top story, Quahog is invested with loud, hairy creatures also known as New Yorkers." Diane reported.
"They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage." Tom Tucker reported. "And I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick."
"And there's your answer." Brian told Ub and Friz.
"Oh. Okay, I guess that explains it now." Ub said understanding now, though not sure if he did.
Sometime after the New Yorkers had arrived in Quahog, the Griffins were on their way to church, but were stuck in a traffic jam. Ub and Friz were absent as they don't normally go with the family to church.
"Oh, we're going to be late for church." Lois said seeing how it'll take for them to reach church.
"Move it!" Peter yelled at the cars in front of him, "Damn leafers."
In the backseat, Chris's foot tapped Meg's, which annoyed her.
"Chris, quit it." Meg demanded Chris before telling on him to Lois, "Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again."
"I can't help it. I have these long dancer legs." Chris said.
"Move it." Meg demanded to Chris trying t push him away.
"Meg, stop your whining. Chris, stay on your own side. Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting." Stewie told off Meg, Chris and Lois.
"If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McBurgertown after church." Lois warned the kids.
"Mom!" Meg and Chris pleaded their mother.
"McBurgertown?!" Both Ub and Friz asked in unison loudly offscreen. Suddenly, the car door on Lois's side opened, revealing Ub and Friz standing outside the car.
"You guys go to McBurgertown?" Friz asked the Griffins.
"Yes, but we only go after church." Lois pointed out to the boys.
"Can we go with you?" Friz asked repeatedly.
"SHUT UP!" Stewie shouted at Friz, but he didn't stop.
"FRIZ!" Lois shouted at Friz, which got him to stop. Lois then calmed back down and said to him, "Yes, Friz, you can come with us to church. But only if you and Ub behave."
"Yes, Mrs. Griffin." Ub said to Lois.
"But if I catch you two goofing around, you can forget about going to McBurgertown." Lois warned the two, "Now get inside."
Ub and Friz did as they were told and got in the car, where they climbed into the back behind Meg, Chris and Stewie.
"Don't worry, we're going." Peter nonchalantly assured them. He saw Lois giving him a disapproving stare and soon tried to fix what he said, "Bu-But-But you don't get the Supersize."
"Darn it!" Friz responded to Peter's words while Chris groaned.
"Okay, you can Supersize, but no Apple Pie."
"Oh, come on!" Meg complained.
"Okay, you get an Apple Pie, but you can't blow on it." Peter then said changing his mind while still trying to be a strict parent.
"Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids." Lois argued with Peter.
"Lois, brothers and sisters fightin' is as natural as a while man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie." Peter stated to Lois.
Cutaway #1
We see an African American man at the counter of a pizza place ready to order.
"Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?" The man asked the cashier.
The cashier merely growled at the man, acting like an animal.
End
The Griffins eventually arrived at their usual church, the Holy Christ Church. The sign out front read the following "HOLY CHRIST CHURCH. COME FOR THE MASS, STAY FOR THE GUILT." The Griffins entered the building.
"Huh. So, this is what church is like." Ub said commenting on his first experience at a mass as he, Friz and the Griffins took their seats.
"Who are all these people?" Lois asked noticing new faces.
"Damn New Yorkers. They took all the good seats." Peter complained realizing that even church wasn't safe from the New Yorkers.
"Them New Yorkers. They ain't got no time for you's." Friz said in a New York accent.
"Yeah, I- Wait, why are you talking like that?" Peter asked Friz confused about the change in accent.
"Being a New Yorker." Friz explained.
"Well, you can kiss your Supersize goodbye." Peter told him.
Friz groaned in response.
"Okay, you can still have your Supersize." Peter then told Friz contradicting himself.
Stewie looked behind him and saw an old lady.
"Aren't you precious." The old woman said to Stewie, who ducked back down and soon popped back up, spooking the old woman hissing at her and pretending to be a demon with fake devil horns and a red trident. The old woman soon passed out, making Stewie laugh. He dropped back down onto his seat and faced the people staring at him.
"Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack." Stewie told the people advertising a novelty item shop.
The priest then stepped onto the podium to give his sermin.
"I would like to welcome our out of town commissioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves and I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer." The priest told everyone letting Father Sapienza take the podium and give the opening prayer.
"Yo, God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freakin' skull. Amen." Father Sapienza said to everyone.
"Who do you think you're talkin' to? Your god ain't tougher than me." A man rose up from one of the pews and talked back at Father Sapienza.
"You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid gafout." Another man rose up and told off the man who told off Father Sapienza, "I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm."
"Ya wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st street. Best in the city." New Yorker #1 threatened as he went to go face New Yorker #2 in a fight. Before they could beat each other, Peter stepped in.
"Fellas, this is God's house. And the Patriots kick off in about 45 minutes. Can we move this along?" Peter said convincing New Yorker #2 to go back to his seat while New Yorker #1 remained.
"Patroits suck." New Yorker #2 told off Peter, making him gasp.
"Blasphemy!" Peter exclaimed grabbing the bowl of holy water and dousing New Yorker #1 with it, which funnily enough burned him as if he were unholy.
"AH! IT BURNS! AH, GEEZ!" New Yorker #1 screamed in pain.
It then cut to a scientist in a lab opening up a package and finding a bottle of holy water inside.
"Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?" The scientist wondered implying that the acid the scientist ordered got mixed up with the holy water for the church.
Back with the New Yorker at church, Stewie walked up to him.
"Hey, Guido. Watch this." Stewie told the man, where his bowtie spinned with a cartoon sound effect. "Whoa, I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha! That's Jack's. Exit 14 off 295."
"Anyways, as Mr. Griffin said, let's continue with mass." The priest said as everyone got back to their seats. "Now then, please turn to Genesis 4:1."
Everyone followed the priest's instructions as they picked up their bibles and turned to Genesis 4:1. The priest then began to read the verse.
"Now the man knew his wife Eve, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, 'I have produced a man with the help of the LORD.' Next she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a tiller of the ground." The priest read, "In the course of time Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel for his part brought of the firstlings of the flock, their fat portions. And the LORD has regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. The LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.' Cain said to his brother Abel, 'Let us go out to the field.' And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him."
The last part got Ub's attention, no longer paying attention to the priest's reading. He tuned out to his surroundings, only thinking back to Connie D'Amico's 16th birthday party. He then found himself in a field, one very identical to the story the priest was talking about. And then right below him on the ground, was the lifeless body of one of Connie's friends he was with in the closet, the one that he killed. He then looked at his hands and found blood on them. Ub panicked from what was happening to him and let out a cry of terror in response. He snapped back into reality and found everyone looking at him. In a state of panic, he stumbled out of the pew and stepped out of the church, wanting to get away. Lois watched Ub leave in concern.
We cut to a few days later where Lois was now in Bonnie's taijutsu class in a building called "JARED FELLOWS TAIJUTSU". Lois and Bonnie wore the usual outfit that everyone else wore during class, including the teacher.
"Taijutsu is about power, for your power and your mind." The teacher instructed everyone, "Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick. Right kick. Punch combo. Stomp. Beautiful, again." The teacher then repeated his lessons to his students.
"Wow, you're doing great for your first lesson." Bonnie said to Lois impressed.
"I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts." Lois agreed.
Cutaway #2
It showed the children from Disney's Mary Poppins sitting on a bed.
"Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you?" The boy asked Mary Poppin, panning out to reveal her from behind.
Suddenly, Mary Poppins unbuttoned her shirt and flashed her breasts to the children.
"Yes, those are lovely, but it doesn't quite answer our question." The boy said to Mary.
End
Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland stepped into the Drunken Clam where they found it was crowded with more men than usual. Specifically, New Yorkers. They were watching a football game on the TV above the bar and getting drunk. Then two friends cheered for when they're team won a point. One of them stumbled backwards clearly drunk and bumped into Peter.
"Hey, watch where you're goin', will ya?" Peter told off the drunk guy shoving him away as he and his friends went over to Horace, who was busy cleaning a glass, "Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers, eh?"
"Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes..." Horace told Peter looking down to his left, "...and the kegs..." Horace then turned back to Peter, Cleveland and Quagmire, "...and I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot." Horace stopped cleaning the glass and looked at his chest, which had a bullet hole, "Yep." Horace then dropped dead.
"Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard." A drunk New Yorker told another sitting next to him getting off the stool, unzipping his pants and began urinating as if he were in the bathroom.
"Public urination is just wrong," Cleveland commented disgusted at the New Yorker urinating in public, "Except during the Million Man March, when protestors burned our port-a-pottys. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate."
"I dunno, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd, heh-heh," Quagmire said rather optimistic seeing a woman sitting by the other end of the bar, in which Quagmire got out of his seat and walked up to her with the intent on seducing her, "Hey, honey. Why don't you turn around and show me the lower east side. Heh."
"Sure." The woman replied interested revealed to be a transwoman, catching Quagmire by surprise.
"Whoa, transvestite! Back off!" Quagmire responded to the woman. "Wait a second, pre-op or post-op?"
"Pre-op." The transvestite man answered.
"Who, transvestite! Back off!" Quagmire repeated what he said and went back to Peter and Cleveland sitting back in the stool he sat earlier. "You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these strap hangers back from where they came from."
"Don't worry, I got an idea," Peter reassured his friends getting up from his seat, "An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."
Later that day, Spooner Street was swarming with New Yorkers who were merely sightseeing. One New Yorker was in the Griffins' backyard taking a picture of the tree that grew there. Suddenly, the leaves on the tree shook and Peter roared from within the tree's branches.
"I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York or I will eat you. Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather." Peter threatened the man "spitting out" a broom with wire arms that had kitchen gloves on them and a picture of Dan Rather taped on the tip of the handle. "And look who I had for dessert? Asexual former mayor Ed Koch." Peter dropped another broom, this time with a picture of Ed Koch. "Leave my land or I will smite you with my powerful limb." Peter then started poking the man with a branch.
"What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch." The man questioned Peter grabbing the other end of the branch and pulling Peter down from the tree, resulting in the latter falling on top of the New Yorker. "Ah, get off of me!" The man ordered punching Peter in the face. This lead into a fight between Peter and the New Yorker.
Lois stepped outside to check on what was going on and saw Peter getting the crap beaten out of him by the New Yorker man.
"Oh, my God! Stop fighting!" Lois told the man running over to Peter's side, along with Ub and Friz, who were with her. The man, however, kept attacking Peter and this got Lois mad enough to sock him, knocking him out. Everyone was shocked to see Lois knocked out the man.
"Nice shot." Friz said to Lois impressed.
Peter looked at the man on the ground before turning to Lois in disbelief. "Holy crap."
"Oh, my God." Lois merely said in response to what she did looking at her hands.
Later that day (again), Lois was sitting by the kitchen table talking about what happened with Ub, Friz, Chris and Brian.
"Mrs. Griffin, you were awesome yesterday." Ub said to Lois.
"Yeah, Mom, you could be a world champion. And no one can hit you below the belt cause girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me how to kick ass?" Chris said then asked Lois.
"Oh, no. I do not condone violence and I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools." Lois told Chris.
"Mrs. Griffin, we already have fistacuffs in school." Friz informed Lois.
"Gee, Lois, can you-can you hear me all the way back there in the 50s?" Brian sarcastically asked Lois.
"Oh, that was lame." Stewie commented on Brian's joke to Lois.
Lois merely sighed ashamed. "Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset."
"Gather around, everybody! 10 bucks is all it takes!" Peter shouted outside through a megaphone.
Everyone in the kitchen stepped outside to see what was going on and found Peter standing in front of a group of people with a makeshift wrestling ring he made on the right side of the lawn. There was a banner that hung from the roof reading "FIGHT THE ASS-KICKING WIFE" and sign reading the same thing next to Peter.
"Step right up and fight my wife!" Peter said through his megaphone, to which Lois silently gasped in shock, "Come one, come all! She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee!" Lois right up to confront him.
"Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction. At least not anymore." Lois confronted.
"What do you mean by-" John tried to ask Lois when a flashback happened.
It flashed back to a circus cage with people gathered around it and inside was a younger, but slightly shorter and thicker Lois in a pink loincloth that covered her entire body bouncing on a trampoline.
"Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy!" The young Lois chanted.
It then flashed back to the present with Peter, Lois and Ub.
"...Oh..." Ub then responded seeing the fully context of what Lois meant.
"I want you to get rid of all of this right now. 'Cause I am never fighting again. Ever!" Lois insisted storming off.
"Come on, Chris, we'll have to go to plan B." Peter then turned to and said to Chris, who was now dressed in a white robe.
Peter flipped the sign over with another one reading "WATCH MY SON WRESTLE AN IMAGINARY BEAR." Chris removed the robe, revealing he was wearing a dark blue wrestling outfit as he stepped into the makeshift ring and began fighting the "imaginary bear."
"Oh! Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Help me! Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me!" Chris cried out in fear and pain losing to the imaginary bear.
This made a member of the audience of the ring concerned for Chris.
"Don't worry, it's a trained bear. He's in no real danger." Peter reassured the audience member.
The next day, Lois and Peter stopped by her taijutsu class where they saw her teacher was busy training some students.
"Oh, he's teaching a class. I can't bother him now." Lois told Peter.
"Sure, you can." Peter reassured Lois before calling out to her teacher, "Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to ya!" Peter managed to grab the teacher's attention, much to Lois' chagrin before Peter patted her behind. "There you go, honey."
Lois and Peter then walked up to her teacher to talk to him.
"What is it, Lois?" Lois' teacher asked her.
"I...I don't think I should do taijutsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone." Lois confessed to her teacher.
"But, Lois, you're my star pupil," Lois' teacher said to her, "I want you in my advanced class."
"Advanced class? No, no, no, no, no. I'm tryin' to quit." Lois explained.
"Well, fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you." Lois' teacher said to her.
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, 'cause I won't let 'em." Peter stepped in defending Lois.
"Peter-" Lois tried to say to Peter.
"Quiet, Lois. Men are talking." Peter cut her off and blowing her off.
Lois was completely appalled by Peter's disregard of her opinion as he turned back to her teacher.
"She-She learns things eventually. It just takes her longer," Peter told her teacher before taking Lois' hand and walking out of the class with her, "Come on, honey, we're outta here. I-I-If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on."
Lois popped her head from the doorway and told her teacher, "I'll do it!"
By the next time Lois attended taijutsu class, she went through a rigorous training montage, which included practicing kicks on a punching bag and doing an air kick that knocked the punching bag from its chain and onto the floor, karate chopping a stack of cylinder bricks, karate kicking and punching planks of wood and lastly, attempting to kick a football from Lucy from the Peanuts, which goes as well as you think it does for this classic gag. Though, Lois soon air kicks Lucy in the face, making her cry. Her teacher walked up to her and bowed, assuring her that she had completed her training.
Sometime after her training, Lois decided to take Stewie to the park and walked with him over to the swing set.
"Stewie, you wanna swing?" Lois asked Stewie.
"Hm. Yes, why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first." Stewie said accepting Lois' offer and did some stretches before he got on the swing. He soon popped something on his back.
"Ooh, damn. Must've pulled something playing hoops last week." Stewie remarked.
Cutaway #3
Stewie was playing basketball with several African American men. All of them wore typical basketball attire, including sneakers.
"I know you're not puttin' that rock up from here. You ain't got no J." Stewie smack-talked one of the players running beside him.
One of the members of the opposing team passed the ball to the same guy Stewie was talking to earlier and tried to get it to their hoop. However, Stewie tripped the man.
"Yo, man, that's trippin'!" The man called out Stewie.
"Brother, please, you're the one who's trippin'!" Stewie talked back denying the man's claims, "Go on, cry home to your mama. She waitin' for ya."
"Now, don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass!" The man threatened Stewie.
"Oh, don't sweat, you bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act?" Stewie asked the man.
The man merely walked away pissed and defeated.
"Bring that trash in here? This is my house!" Stewie said victorious.
End
Lois was about to put Stewie on the swing when another mother placed her daughter beat her to it.
"Excuse me, we were about to use that." Lois told the other mother.
"You snooze, you lose, lady." The other mother told off Lois, who then grabbed the chain of the swing and stopping it.
"You have 2 choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym or you do." Lois threatened the mother, who only picked her daughter and ran away in response.
Lois then placed Stewie on the now empty swing.
"Ooh-hoo, Lois. Someone's wearing their overies on the outside." Stewie said to Lois impressed by her threat.
"She saw me walking to the swing." Lois said to Stewie, pushing the swing rather hard.
"Yes, yes, she saw you. Easy now." Stewie told Lois nervously trying to calm her down.
"And nobody walks all over me. Those days are over. Lois Griffin demands respect!" Lois said pushing harder and harder until Stewie flew off from the swing and landed in a nearby stroller right next to another baby. It was a girl with a bow on top of her head, holding a bottle and wearing a pink shirt and a diaper.
Stewie sniffed. "Ooh, I smell a messy diaper," Stewie said to the baby girl aroused before realizing, "Oh, God, why does that turn me on?"
On the leafer-filled Spooner Street, Chris and Meg were busy raking leaves on the front lawn. Meg saw 2 leaves between her and Chris and was about to rake them when Chris stopped her.
"Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine." Chris told her.
"What?" Meg asked confused and annoyed.
"That's Randy and that's Fred," Chris explained pointing that the brown leaf was Randy and the yellow leaf was Fred, "Randy is the messy one. Fred is very neat. And when you get them together, hoo-hoo, hold on to your socks!"
Meg went over and picked up both leaves.
"Nice to meet you both." Meg said to both leaves before crumbling them into pieces.
"*gasp* Murderer!" Chris exclaimed at Meg chasing her throughout the yard when Lois stopped them.
"Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are going to love each other. Now stay that way." Lois ordered them pushing them together in an awkward hug position.
"It's gonna be weird to potty." Chris remarked about the situation.
On the othe side of the yard, Peter and Brian were busy picking both leaves and trash on the lawn when Lois, Ub and Friz walked by.
"Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn." Peter complained to Lois.
"What did they dump on the lawn?" Ub asked Peter.
"Well, for starters, New York Post, New York Magazine , the New York Mets." Peter pointed out showing both copies of the New York Post newspaper and New York Magazine and the entire New York Mets team all stacked into a pile.
"Are they really from New York?" Ub asked.
"Eh, who knows." Peter replied.
"Peter, I'm sick and tired of you whine about the leafers. Take some action!" Lois told Peter walking over to a nearby tree and breaking off a branch, "Free the beast!" Lois then swinging the branch as a makeshift sword.
"That was strangely arousing." Quagmire said watching Lois from his bedroom window clearly naked when suddenly it fell on his privates, causing him to yell in pain and try to open it, but it was stuck. and he dialed a number on a portable phone. "Hello, 911, it's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's in a window this time."
"Wow, look at them run." Brian said watching all the leafers run away from Lois.
"Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea." Peter told Brian coming up with an idea on how to get rid of all the leafers in town.
Soon after Lois drove away the leafers in Spooner Street, Peter took Lois to the Drunken Clam.
"Ugh, the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go someplace fancy, like the Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks," Lois asked when her mind wondered off into fantasizing about the breadsticks from Olive Garden, "Me likey breadsticks! Me likey-You're a big girl now. Stop it."
"Yeah, ho-ho-hold up, Lois," Peter told Peter as he walked up to a patron at the bar with his head down, "Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night." The last part, of course, got the man's head to rise up.
"Peter, are you crazy?" Lois came up to Peter and asked him.
"What did you say?" The man then asked Peter getting up from his seat and visibly pissed off.
"Oh, about the seat or about me plowing your father's wife?" Peter then asked.
The man prepared to deliver a punch directly towards Peter, but luckily for him, Lois caught the man's fist and knocked him back.
"What the hell are you doin'?" Lois then asked Peter, but he didn't answer her and just went up to another man at the bar.
"Excuse me, is your refridgerator running?" Peter asked the guy, "Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually."
The man got up from his seat and was about to deliver a punch to Peter, but like the other man, Lois stopped the attack.
"Oh, you wanna dance?" Lois asked the man before throwing him, where he crashed onto one of the tables.
"Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck." Peter said, causing several more men to attack with Lois taking them out one by one.
"Krypton sucks." Peter then said, to which General Zod and his partners from Superman II stood up from their seats at the bar and attempted to attack Peter. Of course, Lois defeated all them at once by throwing them into the Phantom Zone as they then floated off into outer space, exactly how they did in the film.
Pretty soon, Lois managed to scare off all the New Yorkers in the bar as they all ran out.
"That's right, go back where you came from, you bastards!" Peter told off the New Yorkers running away from the Clam closing the door. Just as he did so, a man slammed into the door. It was now sometime after all the New Yorkers left Quahog thanks to Lois, she was graduating from taijutsu class as her family attended to watch her.
"We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Okay, people, let's show them what we learned. Cathy, get in there with Lois." The teacher said to the crowd in the bleachers and then to his students.
"Uh, I can't. I have cramps." Cathy told the teacher.
"Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?" Lois then asked her teacher eager to fight.
"Well, Lois, the sensei's a sacred position. I can never violate the spiritual bond of the student-master relationship." The teacher told her refusing to fight her.
"Oh..." Lois said understanding, "Then allow me." She smacked the teacher's face, causing him to tumble back and find blood on his lip.
"The bond is broken." The teacher said no longer holding back and engaged in battle to fight Lois.
"Then spin the wheel, Raggady Man!" Lois told him ready to fight.
"Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful female fists of fury! And when he's weary, emasculate him with your excessive nagging!" Stewie rooted to Lois nudging Ub and Friz, who merely looked at him in shock over his being supportive to his mother, " -yak, yakety-yak, yak-yak. Heh. You know. Huh? Enjoy the fight."
Lois began her fight with her teacher as both delivered blows of fists and kicks at each other. It seemed at first the teacher had the upper hand, but Lois soon turned the tables by slamming several punches into his stomach as he dropped to the ground. She then yelled out in triumph.
"Lois, that was amazing. Congrad-" Peter said to Lois before she grabbed the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss and then grabbed his crotch.
"This is mine! This is where my babies come from!" Lois told the crowd.
It was now nighttime and Peter was in bed in a shirt and boxers watching TV.
"And now back to the movie of the week. Speed 3: Glacier of Doom." The announcer on TV said, which showed two people in the Anarctic.
"If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, we're all dead!" The man told his female partner.
"Tell me something I don't know!" The woman told him as he then told a nearby eskimo, who was busy fishing, "Get out of the way!"
The eskimo merely looked at the two and shrugged at what they were doing when the TV shut off.
"Lois, I was watchin' that." Peter said to Lois, who was by the door with her hair disheveled, wearing his nightgown and looking like she wanted to have a little fun in the bedroom, tossing the remote aside. Oeter noticed she was looking at his crotch, "What ya-What ya lookin' at?"
"The underpants. Lose 'em." Lois ordered.
"A-Actually, I kinda-I sorta have a headache. Kinda. See... You know, maybe tomorrow or, uh-" Peter said not really into sex at the moment.
"Take them off." Lois then ordered again in a threatening tone.
"Yeah, uh, o-okay, honey." Peter quickly obeyed, nervously grabbing the waistband of his underwear.
The next morning, Peter was eating graham crackers as a way to cope with what he went through with Lois last night. Stewie walked in and saw Peter eating the graham crackers.
"Whoa! What the hell are you doing?! Those are my graham crackers!" Stewie asked Peter outraged.
"Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night." Peter simply told him without looking at him.
"Why, you tottering, fem-sucking dewberry, I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me." Stewie said to Peter before leaving the kitchen.
At that moment, both Ub, Friz and Brian walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, Mr. Grif...fin?" Friz greeted Peter, but saw that he wasn't in a good mood right now along with Ub.
"Good morning." Brian greeted Peter taking a seat next to him and began reading the paper. At first, he didn't see Peter's state until a second later. "Peter, you look terrible."
"Yeah, what happened?" Friz asked Peter.
"Last night...Lois...was...the man..." Peter confessed in shame burying his face with his hands.
"Good lord." Brian exclaimed in horror.
"I just want to let you know, Brian... I didn't cry." Peter told Brian before breaking down into tears while Brian comforted Peter.
"What are you talking about?" Ub asked not understanding what Peter meant along with Friz just as Stewie returned with a baseball bat.
"Well, you see, boys. When a man and a woman are in a relationship-" Peter tried to explain to Ub and Friz before Stewie struck him in the back of the head with his bat, knocking him out cold.
"What was that for, Stewie?" Ub asked Peter mad at him when Lois walked into the kitchen and saw Peter knocked out on the table.
"*gasps* Oh, no, Peter! Stewie, what did you do?!" Lois exclaimed and asked Stewie before going to Peter's aid.
"Well, it looks like he freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head." Brian explained to Lois what Stewie did.
"No, he didn't. Stewie just hit Mr. Griffin with a baseball bat," Ub pointed out to Brian, who looked at him with a looking saying 'that's what I meant, you idiot,' where Ub realized what he meant, "Oh."
"Oh, my God. This is my fault. This is my fault, I brought violence into this house!" Lois realized, "I'm the worst mother in the world!"
"A-ha! I got it all on tape." Stewie said ripping his shirt to reveal he was wearing a wire. Or in this case, a tape recorder he taped onto his chest. He removed the recorder from his chest and played Lois' confirmed "confession."
"Okay, um, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan," The tape played, revealing to be something else entirely as Stewie's face expressed confusion, "Wh-What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight, we have a really big show. Okay. Okay, now, a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides. *imitates buzzer* Butter fingers."
Stewie then had enough of his humiliation and stopped the tape, where he saw both Ub and Friz smiled smugly. "I-I was making radio shows for fun. E-Everybody does it. E-E-Everybody that I know." Stewie told everyone trying to save some of his dignity.
"Name one." Friz said to Stewie.
"SHUT UP!" Stewie told off Friz running away.
After Peter regained consciousness, he and Lois took Stewie to the Quahog Child Psychology Center, where they were watching a child psychologist interacting with Stewie.
"Now, Stewart, I want you to take this mommy doll and this daddy doll and show me how they act together." The psychologist told Stewie.
"Oh, yes, very well. Alright. Umm," Stewie said picking up the dolls and playing with them, "*imitates daddy doll* You see, Margeret, after 20 odd years of marriage, your curious indescrescions no longer faze me. *imitates mommy doll* Really? And I supposed you think I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky deposits of gin sugar you call buttocks?" Stewie noticed the psychologist taking notes. "What is that? What did you just write there?" Stewie asked him swiping the notpad from his hands.
"Uh, give me that." The psychologist demanded.
Stewie read through the psychologist's notes. "'insecurity?,' 'gender confusion? Oh, I'll give you something to write about." Stewie said to the psychologist as he ate the page the notes were written on, "Look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender!" Stewie then tackled the psychologist, knocking the latter on the ground and trying to bite off his ear.
Peter and Lois were now in the child psychologist's office, where said psychologist now had a bandage where the ear Stewie tried to rip off was. Stewie, meanwhile, was now in a playpen set up behind Peter and Lois.
"Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of agression?" The psychologist asked Peter and Lois.
"No, no, hitting Peter was the first violent thing he's ever done." Lois informed the psychologist.
"Well, technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out," Stewie then pointed out to Lois, "Happy 50th birthday, Lois."
"It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone." The psychologist said.
"I, uh... I-I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior," Peter confessed to the psychologist before whispering, "But if I told you who it was, Lois will beat the crap out of me."
"Now, just a minute!" Lois butted in, causing Peter to scream in response, "The whole reason I started fighting was because of you! I felt weak! I-I-You never listen to me! You undermind me in front of the kids! And besides, you're no-you're not exactly father of the year yourself!
"Well, there seems to be a lot of anger in your household. You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings." The psychologist told the two.
Back to Stewie, he had placed a plush cat in the openings of the playpen and used it as a makeshift guillotine. "Manage what?" Stewie asked not paying attention to what the adults were talking about until now.
Peter, Lois and Stewie returned home later, where Lois had gathered everyone to the living room for an important meeting.
"I know I went a little overboard with my taijutsu, but from now on we're not gonna have any more anger in this house. Okay?" Lois said to the family.
"Well, then tell Chris to stop drawing pictures of me in a pig's body." Meg insisted.
"Don't censor me!" Chris yelled back at Meg, where he was drawing a picture of Meg in a pig's body.
"No more anger!" Lois shouted angrily, causing everyone to jump back a bit. She calmed down and sat back down on the couch. "Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called 'role reversal,' where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. *starts imitating Peter* Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter."
"*imitates Lois* I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett beer sign where the hot chick has 2 mugs for jugs," Peter then imitated Lois in a petty act of revenge for her imitation of him before he dropped the imitation and told Lois, "It was 8 freakin' dollars and we had a dozen places to put it!"
"Oh, oh, me next, me next!" Stewie then spoke wanting to be the next person to imitate someone else, "*imitates Brian* I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio, but I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door."
"I'm a pompous little Antichrist, who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick name Jim." Brian then imitated Stewie in response to the latter's imitation of him.
Later that day, Peter went into the kitchen and opened the fridge, where he decided to have a juicebox. However, he couldn't punch the straw in, which made him more and more angry until he slammed the juicebox onto the table and sip all the spilt juice left on the table with the straw.
"Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down." Brian, who came into the kitchen along with Ub and Friz, told Peter trying to calm him down.
"Yeah, Mr. Griffin, you're just a juicebox." Ub agreed with Brian.
"I'm sick of Lois's anger management techniques, guys. They're not workin'." Peter said to Brian, Ub and Friz.
"What about the 'writing angry letters and not sending them' exercise?" Brian asked.
"Wait, 'not sending'?" Ub asked Brian before turning his attention to Peter, "You said we were supposed to send our letters!"
"Ah, geez, I wasn't supposed to send those?" Peter asked realizing his mistake.
"Hey, look! I got a letter from Ub!" Meg said outside the teacher, where Ub let out a terrified wheeze.
Meg, Lois, Chris and Stewie were in the living room all with letters in their hands.
"Dear Meg," Meg read through Ub's letter, "For the past year, I've always wanted to be by your side and that is because I-" Ub swiped the letter from Meg's hands and ate it, "Ub!"
Stewie opened up his letter and began to read it. "'Dear Stewie. Get out.'" Stewie read what the letter said, "Oh, that's nice." Ub and Friz both laughed in response to what Stewie's read said. "Oh, wait, my mistake. This is for Ub and Friz. Well, you heard what the letter said. Get out."
"Mine just says 'Dear, Lois' and after that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper," Lois said showing what looked like a dried loogie on the paper, "You got something to say to me?"
"Yeah. P.S. *tries to make spit* Oh, oh, hold on a sec." Peter said trying to make some saliva to spit at Lois with Lois annoyed with her arms crossed.
"Hold on, hold on, relax. Everybody relax," Brian stepped in and broke up Lois and Peter's argument, "Alright, look, I-I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. Now, my psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I think they can help, uh...even us out."
"We're not taking pills. It's not natural." Lois argued with Brian.
"Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Maul." Peter said to Lois.
"Give us the pills!" Lois then demanded taking two and swallowing them.
Sometime later after the family took the pills, they were all spending time together while imitating the South African mbube group Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
"Oh, that was fun!," Lois said having enjoyed the family's imitation, "What country should we do next?"
"Monaco," Chris suggested before realizing, "Oh, wait, that's a principality."
He and the rest of the family laughed in response.
"Y-Y-Ya guys wanna hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills." Brian then confessed and letting out a laugh. However, the family simply stared at him in a mix of shock and anger.
"Wait a minute. Are you telling me I just sang Ladysmith Mambazo for nothin'?" Peter then asked Brian pissed.
"Did it kill you to be multicultural for a minute?" Lois then asked him.
"I-I died a little inside, yes. Ya happy now?" Peter then answered.
"Don't you use that tone of voice, you...you-"
"What-What were you-What were you gonna say? Fatass?" Peter cut her off and asked her again.
"Wideload?" Chris guessed.
"Doughboy?" Meg guessed.
"Lardo?" Friz guessed.
"Uh, uh, country virtuoso Roy Clark?" Stewie guessed.
"How about all the above?" Lois suggested giving her answer.
"How's this for a name? Miss Pony Enpress is in. Oh, what do you got for me, Joe? Oh, let me see here, uh, it's here somewhere, uh, uh, ah, yeah, here we are. A big bag of LIVING SPOTS FOR LOIS!" Peter said to Lois, who punched him in the gut and knocking him into a stereo system. "You...You just hit me." Peter said to Lois.
"That's right." Lois replied proud of him, only for Peter to punch her, too, "You can't hit me, I'm a girl!"
"Sometimes I wonder." Peter replied back.
Hearing Peter's words got her to roundhouse kick Peter back toward the stereo system, this time crashing into it. The kids gasped while Ub looked on at the battle in horror.
"Kicking, Lois?" Peter asked Lois getting back up rather merely annoyed.
"Hmph. Hurts, doesn't it?" Lois asked Peter.
"You tell me." Peter responded kicking Lois in the shin.
Lois retaliated by kicking and then knocked Peter back toward the stereo a third time. Stewie smiled at what he was seeing while Brian looked on in frozen shock as the kids. Peter and Lois then started enchanging fists toward each other.
"Go, Dad! Kick her ass!" Chris cheered for Peter.
"Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!" Meg pointed out to Chris.
"I don't like to be touched!" Chris responded in anger as he attacked Meg that lead to the two of them fighting each other.
Soon, Brian and Stewie ended up fighting each other, too as the whole family began killing each other. The only ones not participating in the violence, however, were Ub and Friz as they didn't see much reason to. Seeing everyone harm one another made Ub start to feel extremely anxious.
"STOP!" Ub cried out, causing the whole family to stop fighting each other, "Please stop fighting. I don't want to see you all like this."
The family all looked at each other and realized that Ub was right. And so, everyone got back up and made amends with each other. However, Stewie then hit Ub in the back of the head with a foldup chair. However, this got Ub rather pissed like everyone else was, but he soon managed to use Stewie's foldup chair to knock everyone back, where most of them slammed real hard on the floor or against the wall. Everyone couldn't get up from the blow with the only one left being Meg and so, Ub approached her and prepared to slam the foldup chair onto Meg, who screamed in terror at her fate. Ub, however, soon realized what he was doing and looked around, seeing the damage he had caused to each member of the by this, he teared up and retreated into his room, leaving everyone in the living room.
"What happened?" Chris asked weakly.
Ub spent the rest of the day in his room where he cried in regret of what he almost did in his bed. The door opened with the light shining on him.
"Ub, are you okay?" Lois asked Ub concerned.
"No, I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all," Ub replied, "Ever since I...I..."
"Killed one of Connie D'Amico's friends?" Lois guessed.
"Yeah, I've felt awful for what I've done and the guilt is eating me alive." Ub confessed to Lois, "And worst of all, I felt the same kind of anger I had when it happened after Stewie hit me with the chair and if I didn't snap out of it, I would've done the same thing to everyone in the family, including Friz and Meg. I'm so sorry."
Ub continued to cry. Lois understood now about his behavior at church and his violent outburst earlier and she felt she was to blame for placing this burden of keeping what he did secret.
"Oh, Ub, don't cry. It was beyond your control. We've all could've killed each other if you didn't intervene. Besides, you're a part of this family along with Friz and we won't let anything happen to you." Lois reassured Ub sitting down on his bed.
"Really?" Ub asked Lois.
"Of course." Lois reassured letting his head rest on her lap. Lois stroked his head and then began to sing a song that was a parody of "Cheer Up, Charlie" from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
[Lois]
You get red like everyone
But letting it all out can make your troubles go away
Blow away, there the anger goes
Cheer up, Ub
Give me a smile
What happened to the smile I used to know
Don't you know you and Friz have always been this family's sunshine
Let that sunshine show
Come on, Ub no need to feel bad
Deep down you know that asshole got what he deserved
When the world judges you for it, never let them bring you down
Up and at'em boy
Some day, sweet as a song
You and Meg will come along
Till that day you've got to stay strong Ub
This family is right where you and Friz belong
Look up, Ub
You'll see a star
Just follow it and keep your morality in view
Eventually your conscience is going to clear up, Ub
Cheer up Ub, do
Cheer up Ub
Just remember you're still good
"Do you feel better now?" Lois asked Ub.
"I'm...not sure. If you don't mind, Mrs. Griffin, I want to be left alone." Ub said to Lois.
"I understand. Well, in case I don't see you again, you have a good night." Lois said to Ub leaving him alone in his room and rejoining the family in the living room, who like her, were all bruised and bandaged up from the injuries Ub inflicted onto them and to each other.
"Is Ub going to be okay?" Friz asked Lois.
"He will, Friz. He just needs some time to himself." Lois told Friz.
"I gotta say, I'm glad Ub stepped in and stopped us at the right moment." Brian said.
"I wonder what came over him. Or us, for that matter?" Meg wondered.
"Maybe people are just naturally violent." Chris theorized.
"I don't believe that. I think it's all the TV we watch," Lois insisted, "There's so much violence. It's no wonder what got Ub to act out like that."
"Yeah, TV is dangerous," Peter agreed standing up, "Why the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch. And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air."
"Uh, Peter, Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network." Lois soon told Peter nervously.
"Yeah, I don't think that's a smart idea, Mr. Griffin." Friz agreed with Lois.
"Oh, why, what are they gonna do? Cut our budget?" Peter then asked Lois and Friz not scared.
"Yes." Friz answered.
Peter merely scoffed at the threat. "I'm gonna go get a beer."
As soon as he said that, his walk cycle was now just him as a cutout stiffly moving toward the kitchen.
The End