Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
It had been a week since the family's failed anger management techniques and how Ub in his blind rage almost led to him potentially killing the family, including his best friend Friz. He felt horrible about what he almost did, but Lois helped comforted him and assured that he was forgiven. Ub spent the rest of his time in his room wanting some time to himself to try and move on from the events of last week and the week before, though he still attended school and ate dinner with the family. Wanting to see how everyone else was doing, Ub stepped out of his and Friz's room and into the living room, where he saw Tyler and Chris sitting on the couch watching TV while Meg was busy looking through a magazine and Stewie was sitting on the floor reading a newspaper. He went over to join them when the news came on.
"A tragic accident in the North Providence area today." Diane Simmons began her report, where John slowly backed away to try to leave the room. "A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swurved off the road and into a ravine, exploding upon impact."
Soon after, Tom appeared to have snickered and he looked amused.
"You find this funny, Tom?" Diane then accused Tom, thinking he was laughing at the dead family.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I-I was remembering that I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. I-It's fine now, though." Tom explained, to which Ub stopped and took a quiet sigh of relief, "So-So, wha-what were you saying? A-A-A-A fashion show?"
"Guys, turn the TV off. We gotta find an anniversary gift for Mom and Dad." Meg told Chris, Ub and Friz.
"What are you guys doing?" Ub asked curious looking at the magazine Meg was holding.
"I just told you. Mom and Dad's anniversary is coming up and we need to find them a gift." Meg explained when Lois walked right into the room.
"Don't look! We're shopping! We're shopping!" Chris exclaimed at his mother.
"Oh, kids. You don't need to do anything special for our anniversary. Just your father." Lois reassured the kids.
"I hope he doesn't wait and get your gift at the last minute again." Meg said to Lois.
"I shudder to think what he got you last year." Friz fretted.
Cutaway #1
Lois was sitting in the kitchen table opening Peter's anniversary gift to her.
"Mu goodness, a human thumb. Where did you find this?" Lois exclaimed and then asked Peter, who had his right hand under his arm, where there was blood all over his armpit and he was shaking uncontrollably.
"It was on eBay." Peter lied, but soon retched and threw up. Lois then came to his side, "Oh, God, call an ambulance!"
End
"This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it'd be nice if we can just spend a romantic day together." Lois then told the kids.
"Oh, dear, I think we all know what that means. Boi-oi-oi-oing! Gross." Stewie commented at the context of his mother's words.
"I don't get it." Both Ub and Friz then exclaimed in unison.
Peter was at the Drunken Clam like always with Brian and Cleveland at their usual table.
"Hey, fellas, guess what? I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club." Quagmire came in greeting his friends and dropping some news onto them.
"Barrington? Wow." Cleveland said to Quagmire's news.
"I'm in!" Peter said eager to go golfing.
"Uh, Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary." Brian then reminded Peter.
"Ah, crap!" Peter exclaimed remembering that important detail, "If Lois finds out I'm ditchin' her to play golf, she'll hit me with a frying pan. Which is why I'm gonna drink this frying pan antidote." Peter pulled out a vial of a green formula and then drink it all. He then handed Brian a frying pan, "Alright, hit me with this."
Brian did as he was told and hit Peter at the left side of his head with the frying pan.
"Didn't work." Peter said before he passed out onto the table.
The next morning, Peter woke up, seeing that Lois's arm was on his stomach. He carefully removed Lois's arm off of him and got out of bed, where he quietly tip toed out of the room. He came back into the room with a tray of cereal and milk with a note underneath and placed it on his side of the bed, giving Lois a kiss on her forehead before leaving to get ready for his golf game with the guys.
Lois turned away from Peter's side, resulting in the tray to knock over, spilling the bowl of cereal and the glass of milk all over it and waking up Lois, to which the note underneath was now on top of the knocked over tray. She then rose up and turned to find the mess on Peter's side.
"What the hell?" Lois exclaimed seeing the note on top of the tray and taking it to read what it says, "'Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. Love, Peter.' Oh, how fun!"
Later, Peter, Brian and Quagmire were at Barrington Country Club ready to play golf. Peter was up first was he practicing his swinging.
"Alright, gentlemen, before you tee off, here are your complimentary monogram bag towels, a sleeve of balls, and this mobile ball cleaner." One of the club's members informed the three, offering them said things to get them started, along with who seemed like their assistant. The assistant put a golfball in his mouth and swooshed it around inside his mouth before it back out and drying it with a rag with a smile on his face.
"Clean as a whistle, sir." The assistant walked up to Peter and offered him the golfball.
"Um, I-I'm not gonna get short from your spit, am I?" Peter asked the assistant cautious over the fact that the ball was in another person's mouth.
"Heh-heh. You'd be the first, champ." The assistant remarked before backflipping away. At that moment, Cleveland arrived with Loretta.
"Well, it's about time." Peter said.
"Sorry, fellas. I'm not gonna be able to play." Cleveland told Peter, Quagmire and Brian in a disappointed tone, "Loretta's mother's in town and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed-"
"Cleveland!" Loretta berated Cleveland.
"I mean, the pull-out sofa bed." Cleveland corrected himself.
"Cleveland, this is Barrington. Y-You could be the first black guy ever to play this course. People are gonna be impressed." Peter reasoned with Cleveland as two club members ironically walked by and acknowledged Cleveland.
"Hey, a black guy."
"Oh, fun."
"Come on, Cleveland." Loretta ordered Cleveland dragging him away.
"Look, maybe we should play another time." Brian suggested.
"Screw that, I busted my ass keeping Lois busy so I can be here!" Peter argued not willing to quit after all the work he went through.
Someone cleared their throat behind Peter and he, Brian and Quagmire looked to see it was Ub, standing annoyed with his arms crossed and tapping his foot.
"Ub, what are you doing here?" Brian asked.
"Okay, I asked Ub to help me out with some parts of the scavenger hunt I made up to distract Lois. Plus, he wanted to come for some reason," Peter then admitted, "Now, let's grip it and whip it!" Peter was the first to play and hit the ball as it flew to his left.
Out in the field was a businessman standing next to his golfbag while talking to one of his workers on the phone.
"The fed is going to be lowering rate, so get your money out of T bills and put it all on-" The businessman told the person on the other line before being knocked on the back of the head by Peter's head, "-Waffles! Tasty waffles with extra syrup!"
It cut to the businessman that the other was talking to, who was in the stock market.
"Waffles! Buy waffles!" The second businessman told his associates, who were taking notes.
In a matter of minutes, the entire stock market was calling out for waffles, including several Asian men.
We then cut to the Quahog Mini-Mart, where Lois was inside along with the kids, whom she recruited to help her with the scavenger hunt Peter set up for her.
"Okay, kids, keep your eyes peeled for a clue." Lois told the kids, being the most enthusiastic over the whole thing.
Stewie, Chris and Friz, meanwhile, were reading an Archie comic.
"Now, now, now what Jughead-" Stewie tried to explain to Chris, but was soon cut off by Friz's snickering, "Um, has done here is, and it's really-" Once again, Stewie was cut off by Friz's snickering, "Oh, I'm sorry, did I say something that amused you?" Stewie then asked Friz getting visibly irritated by the latter's snickering.
"Yes." Friz answered unable to contain his laughter.
"Well, would you mind shutting up for a minute until I finish?" Stewie asked.
"No...yes..." Friz then replied.
"Anyway..." Stewie said as he was about to continue, only for Friz to then burst out laughing, "Damn it, Friz, I was going to explain to Chris that Jughead painted pupils on his eyelids so that Mrs. Grundy wouldn't notice and you ruined it! I hope you're happy!" Stewie then walked away fuming, leaving both Friz and Chris alone.
Lois was busy searching for clues in the frozen foods section.
"Mom, I found Dad's first clue." Meg walked up and informed her mother, handing her the clue.
"I can't believe your father organized this." Lois said to Meg as she took the clue from her, "Usually, he can't even handle simple tasks."
Cutaway #2
It showed the lamp in the living room without its cover, along with a diaper wrapped around the lightbulb socket.
"Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket?" Lois called out to Peter in confusion at seeing the lamp's state.
"Ugh! Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minute." Stewie stated to Lois naked with a lightbulb sticking out of his butt. However, he soon took a closer look at the lightbulb in his ass and thought of something; he rubbed on the floor and touched his nose, which powered up the lightbulb, "Ha!"
End
It began to rain back at Barrington Country Club as everyone was retreating into the lodge. Well, everyone except for Peter, Ub, Brian and Quagmire, who were all still playing golf with Peter preparing to hit the ball. Ub, Brian and Quagmire started to notice the rain as Brian shook the rainwater off his head.
"Peter, let's pack it in. There's too much water out here." Brian told Peter calling it quits.
"Yeah, let's hit the bar, huh?" Quagmire soon agreed as the two started putting their clubs back into their bags.
"Oh, come on, there's worse things in life than rain!" Peter said dismissing their concerns.
"Like what?" Ub asked.
"Like, um...like-like spiders!" Peter answered.
Cutaway #3
A spider was on a theater seat watching a movie with a cigarette in its mouth.
"Oh! He's behind the door!" The spider called out to the movie as it zoomed out to reveal Peter and Lois seated next to it with Lois coughing from the cigarette smoke.
"Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say somethin'." Lois whispered to Peter.
"'Say somethin'', I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his ass." Peter whispered visibly pissed off by the spider.
"Don't go in there!" The spider continued shouting at the movie.
"Peter!" Lois demanded.
"Alright, alright, give me a Kneenex." Peter said.
Lois dug into her purse and handed Peter a Kleenex tissue. Peter sneaked up to the spider, whom didn't notice.
"I knew he was bad! I knew-AAGH!" The spider said before getting caught by Peter.
End
"Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms!" The assistant shouted running passed the three.
"Heh, heh! I paid him $10 to say it! *laughs* Classic!" Quagmire told Brian as the two laughed.
"We'll be in the clubhouse." Brian informed Peter as he and Quagmire got in the golf cart and drove back to the clubhouse.
"Go on! Run away! More golf course for me!" Peter berated the two as they drove off, leaving both him and Ub alone on the course. Ub was about to leave also, but Peter stopped him. "Whoa, not you. I still need you as my caddy." Peter told Ub, who sighed and reluctantly stayed. Peter was about to make a swing at the ball, when suddenly lightning hit a tree next to him, where it seemed like it was about to fall over, but it only slightly tilted. "That was close." Peter saw that the tree in its current condition could give away any moment. "Huh, that looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt Hey, Ub, help me out with this tree." Peter removed his belt and wrapped it around the tree, while Ub was on the other side pushing it to realign it back to its trunk. Their efforts were successful as Peter tied his belt around the now restored tree. "There we go. All better." Peter was about to return to his golf game...only to be struck by lightning and collapsed dead.
"Mr. Griffin!" Ub called out to Peter horrified running to his aid, "Mr. Griffin, are you okay?!"
Suddenly, Peter got back up from his body in an astral form, much to Ub's surprise. Behind Peter, Death walked up to him busy looking over a clipboard. Peter turned around and he and Ub gasped seeing Death, who looked up at him.
"You again?!" Both Peter and Ub said in unison.
"Oh, Death, please don't take me now!" Peter pleaded with Death.
"Relax, you're not dyin'. You're just having a near death experience." Death nonchalantly told him.
"Oh, thank God." Peter sighed in relief, along with Ub.
"Oh, yeah, thank God. Thank God I get to hang out with two fascinating gents like you and the kid." Death remarked sarcastically taking out and dropping two golf balls on the ground and started to practice his putting using his scythe as a club.
"Wait, so, Ub can see me?" Peter asked Death.
"Duh." Death merely answered.
"So, w-when am I gonna die?" Peter then asked.
"About 2 years after your wife divorces ya." Death answered hitting the first ball with his scythe, causing a metal clang.
"The hell are you talkin' about? Lois would never leave me," Peter asked Death not believing him, "She's been crazy about me since the night we met."
Suddenly, a flash of light appeared and both Peter, Ub and Death found themselves near a lake at night.
"What the? Where are we?" Ub asked confused about the place they were at.
"We're in this guy's flashback. We're looking at a moment in this life. Like in It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. Both of which are Christmas movies weirdly enough." Death explained referring to Peter.
"Oh, my god, that's me! Look how thin I was." Peter said spotting a younger Peter, who despite his words, was just as fat as he currently is. The younger Peter was holding hands with a young Lois, indicating they were on a date.
"My, this is certainly a beautiful night," Past Lois commented on their surroundings, "I love looking at stars."
"Say no more." Past Peter said unbuttoning all the buttons on his shirt.
"Uh-Peter, wait, I-" Lois tried to tell Peter, but he didn't listen as he placed his hands on his stomach.
"Very interesting...but stupid." Peter said in an impersonation while playing with his stomach acting like it was talking.
This got Lois to laugh. "Oh, my god! I love Artie Johnson!" Lois said loving Peter's act.
"Then why don't ya give 'im a kiss?" Peter asked trying to get her to kiss his belly.
Lois laughed and ran away from Peter, who kept trying to get her to kiss his stomach, leading to Peter tackling her, sending both of them rolling down a hill while they laughed until they started making out on a road, where a 18 wheeler was driving down the same road they were on. The driver soon noticed the two lovers lying on the road.
"Oh, my god!" The driver exclaimed in shock making a left turn just at the nick of time, avoiding Peter and Lois and crashing on the other side of the road. Neither Peter nor Lois ever noticed what just happened.
"Oh, Peter. I hear music." Lois said to Peter hearing the music from the crashed truck, but not noticing the truck itself.
"Yeah, me, too," Peter said also not noticing the truck that had crashed nearby, "From now on, this'll be our song."
Having said that, the two went back to making out. Suddenly, the truck exploded and the debris of what was once the roof of the truck landed on top of the driver, with only his legs sticking out while he groaned in pain.
"I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life." Lois said to Peter.
In the background, two wolves appeared and each bit down on the legs of the driver, trying to rip them both one as the driver screamed in pain.
"It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy." Lois confessed to Peter.
All of this was witnessed by the present day Peter, Ub and Death.
"Um, am I the only one noticing the driver being eaten alive by wolves back then?" Ub asked Peter.
"What driver?" Peter asked.
"Never mind, I'll help the poor guy," Ub said running over to the driver to help him out, "Hey, you dumb dogs get away from that guy!" Ub tried kicking the wolves away, only for his foot to go right through one of them. He tried pushing the wolves next, but the same thing happened.
"What is this?" Ub asked confused about what was going on.
"I told you that this was like A Christmas Carol, as in you can't interact with anything from the past. This is only a memory, remember?" Death reminded Ub before he was reminded of something, "You know, now that you brought this up, it looks awfully familiar. Wait a second, I remember this."
"You do?" Ub asked.
"Yeah, that's me," Death said pointing to a past version of him walking up to the now lifeless body of the truck driver, whose spirit rose up and was met by Death, who pointed him to the afterlife. Past Death's robe was colored green, purple and orange, wore a medallion around his neck and he had an afro on top of his hood, "Look at all that hair. Can't believe I thought that looked good. I must've been high."
"I love you Lois Pewderschmidt." Past Peter confessed to Past Lois.
"I love you, Peter Griffin." Past Lois confessed back to Past Peter.
"Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me." Peter told Death confident that his marriage will be alright seeing how he and Lois were truly in love with each other.
The flashback ended with a flash of light like before and Peter, Ub and Death returned to the present.
"Now, put me back in my freakin' body, alright?" Peter asked Death.
"I can't put you back until you have a revelation. You know, one of those things that changes your life." Death told Peter.
"Ah, the hell with this, I'm goin' home." Peter said blowing off Death's words and going over to his body. He stood in his mouth and began pulling his lips up.
"What are you doin'? You can't get in that way." Death stated to Peter.
"I sure as hell ain't going the backdoor." Peter said.
"Oh, crap. I don't have time for this," Death complained looking at his watch, "Listen, I'm late for an appointment. You don't want to follow procedure? Fine. Stay here in Limbo." Death then began walking away from Peter and Ub, much to their dismay.
"No, no, wai-wai... I-I don't wanna be in Limbo!" Peter then pleaded to Death exiting his body as he and Ub followed Death. However, Peter stopped and looked back at his body. He glanced his eyes both left and right and took out his wallet and taking out the money in it, effectively graverobbing himself.
"What are you doing?" Ub asked Peter.
"What? It's my money." Peter said as he and Ub tried to catch up back to Death.
Back with Lois and the kids, their next stop in the scavenger hunt was at a local racetrack.
"Okay, so, what do you want me to do here again, Mrs. Griffin?" Friz asked Lois confused about what she wanted him to do.
"It's simple, Friz. The note says that the next note will be right under 'My Nose'." Lois explained.
"Okay, but I don't get what that has to do with-" Friz asked when what sounded like a school bell rang and it turned out to be a greyhound race.
"And they're off!" The announcer said as the greyhounds were released and raced down the track.
"And quick out in front, Silver Dasher, followed by My Nose." The announcer said, which Lois recognized was the dog she was after.
"A-ha! There, Friz!." Lois ordered Friz.
"Alright," Friz said as he took out the Chaos Emeralds, "Chaos Control."
And like that, the dog My Nose was frozen in time.
"Yes! Hold my purse." Lois then handed her purse to Meg and leaped off the front row. She then headed for the frozen My Nose.
"What's Mom doin'?" Chris asked.
"I'll tell you what she's doing. She's screwing up my six-two quinella! Damnit!" Stewie said ripping a ticket he had in his hands while dressed in a brown suit with a brown fedora hat.
"I'm not gonna ask." Friz commented on what Stewie was doing.
"Seabiscuit out in front, followed by Some Crazy Lady, followed by Middle-Aged Housewife, followed by Wait A Minute, Who's That?, followed by Silver Dasher," The announcer said, "And now it appears that My Nose is frozen in time and a woman is going up to it."
Lois reached My Nose and took off the note taped onto its belly.
"Let's go, kids!" Lois called out to Meg, Chris, Friz and Stewie at their front row seats.
"But what about My Nose?" Friz asked.
"Oh, you can let it go now, Friz!" Lois told Friz.
"Okay," Friz said taking out the Chaos Emeralds again, "Chaos Control."
Undoing the effects of Chaos Control, My Nose was freed from his state and continued running down the track.
"Blackie, tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off." Stewie told a man next to him.
"Too late, Stewie. The fix is in and the noodles are boilin' in the pot. Boilin', I tell you." The man informed Stewie, who merely groaned in frustration in response.
"The less we know, the better?" Friz asked Stewie.
"Yep." Stewie answered.
Meanwhile, Peter and Ub were following Death through a domain filled with clouds.
"Wait a minute, I got it. I got it, I figured out my revelation. Uh... God loves a working man." Peter guessed to Death believing to have come up what his revelation is.
"No." Death replied.
"The shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man about town?" Peter guessed again.
"No," Death replied again before stopping and looking at his watch, "Ah, crap. I'm late. I'm in big, big trouble." Death then pulled out an inhaler and began using it.
"Sheesh, you're pretty shook up about that appointment of yours." Peter said to Death.
"Yeah, what's this appointment about?" Ub asked.
"Where the hell have you been?" A woman's voice was heard, where Peter and Ub turned to see a house in the middle of the domain with an elderly woman standing at the front door. She wore a similar rode as Death, but wore glasses, a pearl necklace and earrings, an apron and had hair on top of her hood. "When I said lunch, I said noon. Not noon-ish." The woman berated Death.
"Sorry, Ma." Death apologized to the woman, who was in fact his mother.
"Sorry? Is sorry going to reheat the casserole?" Death's mother berated him more.
"'Ma'? You have a mom?" Ub asked surprised.
"Yes, I have a mom. Everybody does, even God has one." Death told Ub as both he, Ub and Peter stepped onto the porch and entered the house.
"So, who're your friends?" Death's mom asked him.
"It's a work thing, Ma. Near death experience. One of them is alive responsible for murdering of his classmates." Death informed his mother.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Death, you got the wrong guy. Ub would never do that. Right, Ub?" Peter told Death and then asked Ub, but the latter didn't respond, "Ub?"
Ub knew that he couldn't hide the truth from Peter any longer and so, after taking a death breath and letting out a heavy sigh, he came clean.
"It's true, Mr. Griffin. I...did kill someone." Ub confessed ashamed.
Peter gasped in shock, a loss of words at what he had just heard.
"W-W-What do you mean you killed someone? W-Who did you kill?" Peter asked Ub visibly shaken.
"One of Connie D'Amico's friends." Ub answered ashamed.
"Wait, is that all? Oh, don't worry, kid, you're good." Peter then asked suddenly all calm.
Ub was caught by surprise by Peter's response.
"Wait, you're okay with this, too?" Ub asked Peter surprised.
"Sure. I mean, Connie D'Amico and her friends are asses. Nobody will miss 'em." Peter reassured Ub, "Wait, I'm okay with this, too? Who else knows about this?"
"Well... Mrs. Griffin." Ub answered.
"Lois?" Peter asked.
"Yeah, she kept it a secret from you guys along with Meg to protect me." Ub explained.
"Oh, that explains it. Alright, glad we got that out of the way." Peter said as he followed Death, who was heading for the stairs.
Peter then walked passed Ub and he and Death were heading for the stairs.
"W-Wait a minute! So, you're perfectly okay with what I've done?" Ub asked Peter and Death, utterly confused.
Peter and Death both answered yes to Ub's question.
"B-But I killed someone. Won't I be sent to He-" Ub asked again.
"Listen, kid, we don't blame you for what you did. I would've done the same thing to that guy along with D'Amico and her crew." Death told Ub.
Peter and Death began walking up the stairs, with Ub still standing where he was. He remembered back to what Lois told him in the previous chapter and after hearing what Peter and Death had to offer, he decided it was for the best and so, he caught up with Peter and Death, having moved passed his trauma.
"Where are you going?" Death's mother asked him, who was going up the stairs with Peter and Ub following him.
"I gotta take a leak." Death informed her heading up the stairs.
"Well, don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get ya." Death's mother told him.
Death groaned in frustration.
"Wow. Sorry you have to put up with that." Ub said to Death.
"Yeah, she's a pain in the ass," Death complained about his mother, "I wish Dad was still dead."
"Boy, I tell you, Lois' dad was a pain in the ass when I met him." Peter said triggering another flashback, warping the trio to a point in Peter's life where he was meeting Lois' father, Carter Pewderschmidt for the very first time. The door rang and Lois went down to answer it. She wore a pink dress and was ready for a date with Peter, who was at the door wearing a blue suit and a red tie holding a bouque when she answered it.
"Hi, can I take my tie off yet?" Past Peter asked Past Lois stepping in.
"Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful." Lois complimented Peter closing the door. "You aren't nervous about meeting Daddy, are you?" Lois asked Peter going up to him and wrapping her arms around him.
"Oh, you'll know when I'm nervous." Peter told Lois.
"Lois?" Carter Pewderscmidt called out to his daughter, with Peter then farting in response.
"Now," Peter said, "Lois, take the wrap for this. I only get one chance at a first impression."
Lois walked over to her father, who came in. Carter sniffed and detected Peter's fart and wondered where it was coming from as Lois kissed his cheek.
"Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter." Lois told her father introducing him to Peter.
"Hey, Mr. Pewderschmidt. Wh-Wh-What are you feedin' this gal, eh? Peter Griffin. Can I take this freakin' tie off?" Peter greeted Carter shaking hands with him.
"It's a pleasure, Peter," Carter told Peter, though deep down he didn't meant it, "My daughter is quite taken with you."
"And I'm taken with her," Peter said, "I mean, look at her. Huh? Huh? Show us front and back there, Lois."
Lois answered Peter's request and did a quick spin.
"Hey, d-don't think I don't know where that comes from. That's some world-class juice you got brewin' in the old flesh balloon down there, Carter. Huh? Huh? Eh, okay." Peter joked lightly nudging Carter, to which Carter was already becoming quite annoying with him.
"I'm gonna go get my purse." Lois told Peter as she hurriedly went up to her room.
"Alright," Peter said to Lois as he decided to talk to Carter some more, "Hey, uh, b-b-based on what you seen with your wife, wh-what can we expect in terms of droopage here? We talkin' a slight slope or a full blown fried eggs hangin' on a nail thing?"
Carter didn't answer Peter for a moment.
"Peter, what do you think of this bronze statue?" Carter then asked Peter changing the subject and showing Peter said statue.
"It's nice." Peter answered casually.
"It's early Etruscan." Carter added.
"Huh, get outta here." Peter said.
"No, seriously." Carter said.
"Oh, that's great-" Peter said impressed before getting knocked out by Carter, who used the bronze statue to do so. Afterwhich, he ordered his servants to roll the carpet over Peter's unconscious body.
Sometime later, a plane flew over the ocean, which was Carter's as his servants threw out a now naked Peter toward the ocean below. Once Peter hit the water, he struggled to swim when what seemed like a Navy vessel passed by nearby.
"Hey, look! A manatee!" The captain called out to everyone.
"We can use it for soup!" The ship's chef exclaimed excited.
A helicopter then lowered Peter down onto the deck of the ship and given a blanket.
"Ensign Glenn Quagmire. Welcome aboard, heh heh," A young Quagmire greeting Peter giving him a salute, "You picked a great day to get rescued. We were just about to sing a song about mopping." He then showed several sailors doing just that: singing about mopping the deck.
We're mopping the deck
Which is Navy for floor
And when we're done mopping
We'll mop it some more
Oh!
Swab means mop
Deck means floor
"Could you tell me when you're leaving to go back in time? I was talking to a robe on the coatrack for 20 minutes before I realized you weren't in it." Death's mother stepped in and told Death, who was viewing the events of Peter's past with Peter and Ub.
"Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working!" Death argued with his mother.
"Don't yell at your mother! If you yell at your mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy." Death's mother berated him.
"Your son has a point, Miss. He's trying to help Mr. Griffin-" Ub said to Death's mother siding with him.
"That goes for you, too, young mortal." Death's mother berated Ub.
"Wow. Brilliantly choreographed." Young Peter commented on the song.
"Well, that's your tax dollars at work. Say, why don't you join us and see the world?" Quagmire offered Peter.
"Eh, sorry, pal. I've seen the world and its name is Lois." Peter told Quagmire gently declining the offer.
"How romantic." Death's mother commented on young Peter's plan to return to Lois. She then berated her son some more, "Why can't you find a nice girl?"
"Ma, she's gonna dump him." Death informed his mother.
"Well, at least he got that far," Death's mom said turning to Peter and Ub, "You know who he took to the prom? His cousin."
"That's weak." Peter chuckled at Death's embarrassing high school experience along with Death's mom.
Ub, however, was more confused as he didn't join in on the laugh. "Death has a cousin? And he went to prom?"
"All right, all right, that's it. I'm sick of all three of you. Come on, Peter, Ub." Death said having had enough humiliation taking both Peter and Ub with him.
"Death, put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!" Death's mom ordered.
"I don't have skin!" Death argued offscreen.
"That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!" Death's mom argued back.
" It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Death!" Ub told Death's mom offscreen.
"My pleasure! You come back anytime now!" Death's mom assured Ub.
"Never gonna happen!" Death argued offscreen.
Death warped both Peter and Ub back to the golf course and began poking both of them with the bottom of his scythe, pushing them to Peter's body.
"Come on, come on. Get back in your big fat body. Why should I help some guy save his marriage when I can't even get a girl?" Death asked.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, w-w-wait, what are you-what are you saying?" Peter asked Death.
"Yeah, what are you talking about?" Ub asked.
"The revelation, jackass. It coulda helped ya save your marriage. Oop, but too late. Oh, and, uh, by the way, when the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy." Death told off both Peter and Ub as he was about to return to the afterlife.
"Hey, w-w-wait! I-I can't lose Lois! P-P-Please! I'll do anything!" Peter caught up to Death and pleaded when he came up wtih an idea, "W-What if...What if we helped you get a girl?" Ub looked back at Peter in confusion at what he said. Peter then gave Ub a look that he had an idea, which Ub picked up on.
"Uh, yeah, yeah." Ub quickly agreed.
"Really?" Death asked genuinely surprised by the offer turning back to the duo to face them, "You...You think you can do that?"
"Sure, all we gotta do is get a little all fixed up. You know, get your hair cut and get you good, clean-" Peter reassured as he dusted off the front of Death's robed and pulled back the hood, revealing Death's skull that was crawling with maggots and a snake, causing both Peter and Ub to scream in horror until Peter put the hood back on, covering Death's skull, "-shave. Maybe some cologne. Chicks will be all over you."
"Gee. You-You really think so?" Death asked now eager and excited about the idea.
"Absolutely." Both Peter and Ub reassured.
Death then walked away from Peter and Ub, where Peter soon puked in disgust while Death wasn't looking.
The three visited the local beach where Peter and Ub were waiting outside the men's restrooms.
"You guys got any SPF 50? I bleach like a gym sock." Death stepped out now dressed in a blue short sleeved hoodie, light green swim shorts with orange flowers on it and sandals.
"No, but what are we doing at the beach, Mr. Griffin?" Ub asked Peter.
"Look, will you guys relax? I told you, the beach is a perfect place to pick up chicks." Peter told the two as he instructed to Death, "Now I want you to go over there and ask those girls if you can play."
He pointed to two women who were taking a break from volleyball. One was a brunette short-haired woman in a cyan one-piece swimsuit and the other was a long-hair blonde woman in a pink one-piece swimsuit. Death then approached the women.
"Uh, hey. Can I join you?" Death greeted the ladies and asked them.
"I guess. Whats your name?" The brunette woman replied and asked Death.
"...Josh?" Death awkwardly answered after a moment.
"You, like, live around here?" The brunette asked him.
"No, I, uh... I live with my mom." Death answered.
Both Peter and Ub facepalmed at Death blowing his chances with the ladies.
"This is going to be harder than we thought." Ub said.
"Let's get out of here." The brunette told her friend.
"See ya, Josh. Tell your mom we said hi." The blonde told Death as she and her friend walked away and laughed while Death moped in his humiliation.
"Head's up!" Someone offscreen hollered, where a volleyball knocked off Death's left leg, causing him to drop to the sand.
Back with Lois and the kids (again), the next stop in their scavenger hunt was now at James Woods High School, where they were standing in front of the flagpole. As it turns out, the next clue was on top of the flagpole.
"How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole." Meg asked finding a jar of grease on the ground and picking it up.
"It's too bad Ub isn't here to help us out. He probably would've pulled the pole down, sinking it into the ground until he reached the top and grabbed it for us." Friz said.
"Don't worry, Meg, Friz. We've been studying fulcrums in school," Chris said, "You simply have to counterbalance the weight to the point where the lever pivots. Like so." Chris then rammed his head toward the pole, only making a huge dent in it and knocking himself out.
Lois saw the rope tied to the pole and came up with an idea.
"Stewie, honey, you wanna play rocket ship?" Lois asked Stewie tying the rope on the back of his overalls.
"What the deuce?" Stewie asked noticing the rope tied behind him.
"Blast off!" Lois said pulling the rope on the pole down and yanking Stewie up, "Come on, Stewie! Get the note for Mommy!"
"How dare you use me for your own personal, selfish-" Stewie berated Lois before he felt the pole being rubbed up on him and found that he liked it, "Mmm. Oh. Oh, pull slower. Mm, I must remember to do this again when no one's around."
Back at the seaside, Peter, Ub and Death were now sitting on a bench at the pier.
"What the hell was I thinking? You guys don't know anything about chicks." Death berated both Peter and Ub.
"Are you kiddin'? I learned from the best." Peter rebuttaled as another flash of white happened and it returned to the Navy vessel Peter was rescued on in the past during Peter's time there. In one of the sailors' rooms, Peter was on a bed while Quagmire was busy shaving.
"Come on, buddy. We're droppin' anchor in Jamaica." Quagmire told Peter.
"Ah, great, we're getting closer to Rhode Island." Peter said glad about the progress he was making to get back to Quahog.
"Rhode Island? Forget that, I'm takin' you out for some shore leave." Quagmire insisted finishing shaving before facing Peter, revealed to be naked, "Does this look like a 'Q' to you?"
"No." Peter answered.
Quagmire then readjusted his crotch. "How about now?" Quagmire asked again.
"Sorry, Quagmire. Your crotch just looks like Lois to me." Peter apologized to Quagmire missing Lois.
"Well, let's ask her, then." Quagmire suggested looking down to his naked crotch, "Hey, Lois. Should Peter sit around and mope all night?" Quagmire shook his crotch. "Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun?" Quagmire asked again, moving his crotch up and down. "Heh-heh. All right." Quagmire finished.
Quagmire took Peter to a beach bar on the mainland, which was having happy hour as it was filled with both men and women.
"Okay, that one's a feminist type. She's into he-men. And that one's mad for jazz. Watch this." Quagmire informed Peter as they were at the bar while Quagmire spotted three women, describing their interests. Quagmire then approached the women. "*walks up to woman #3* The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable. *moves on to woman #2* I can benchpress 800 lbs. *moves on to woman #1* You, me and Coltrane 'til dawn. Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!" In no time, the women swarmed around Quagmire with two in his arms. "There you go, Peter. One for you, two for me."
"You guys go on without me." Peter sighed and told Quagmire, who walked off with the women.
Peter was left alone at the bar, drawing a picture of Lois on a napkin. He soon erased her breasts and redrew them bigger. Peter soon sighed sadly as it panned to Peter, Ub and Death watching the young Peter from outside.
"So, why didn't you go with him?" Death asked Peter.
"Eh. You don't know what it's like when you're in love." Peter answered.
"Yeah, I know what you mean, Mr. Griffin." Ub agreed.
"Oh, yeah?" Death asked as he took out his wallet and opened it, "He name's Amy. She works at a pet store. I met her last summer when her dad hung himself, but I was too shy to ask her out." Death took out a photo and handed it to Peter.
"Ah, what's with that mustache?!" Peter asked grossed out by what he saw in the photo.
"It looks like a tan Stan Lee!" Ub reacted to the photo as well.
"Huh? Let me see that," Death said taking the photo back and looking at it, "Sorry, that's Edward James Olmos. Here, this is her." Death handed Peter another photo.
"Hey, nice ass." Peter said at the photo. Death looked at what it was and realized it was also the wrong photo.
"Oh, sorry, no, no. That's Edward James Olmos's ass." Death then stated about the photo.
"Do you actually have a photo of this Amy girl?" Ub asked Death.
"I guess not, but trust me, she's cute." Death answered putting his wallet away in his pocket.
"Well, let's go get her." Peter encouraged as the three were about to leave the memory.
"I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos's ass back." Death told Peter.
"Oh, yeah, right." Peter agreed handing the photo back to Death.
Returning to Lois and the kids, their next stop was in the sewers as they looked around for the next clue.
"Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!" Meg told her mother while holding Stewie in one hand and a flashlight in another.
"I found the note!" Lois then said taking the note off of a hanging light and began to read it, "'Go back to the Mini-Mart'? Well, this isn't very creative. Let's go, kids."
"You mean we came down here for nothing? That's lame." Friz asked irritated.
"Mom, Friz, you remember that goldfish we flushed down the toilet?" Chris asked Lois and Friz.
"Yeah, what about-" Friz asked before he soon saw Chris being held hostage by a giant goldfish, who was pointing a revolver toward Chris's head.
"He wasn't dead." Chris finished as the goldfish pulled the hammer on the revolver back ready to fire.
"Oh." Friz responded to Chris's situation.
Back to Peter, Ub and Death, they were now in front of the display window at the pet shop that Death's crush works at.
"There she is. That's her." Death informed Ub and Peter pointing at the cashier inside. The woman was a readhead and had glasses.
"Alright, now go on. Just like we practiced." Peter told Death, who took a deep breath before stepping inside.
"Hey, you." Amy greeted Death.
"Hi. I was just, uh..." Death quietly greeted Amy when all the animals started to react hostile towards him. All the dogs barked at him and all the birds squawked the same way to him. "Uh...and-and I was just...in the neighborhood... *talks louder* ...so, I thought that, uh...so, uh, you...uh, I'll, uh..." Death tried to speak up in response to the loud animal noises, but Amy couldn't hear him. "This is a bad time! Maybe I'll just...come back later!" Death told Amy as he walked out of the store defeated, "Who am I kidding? I'll never get her."
"Not with that attitude. Come on! You gotta find a way to make it happen." Peter told Death another flash of light happened and another memory occurred. It was young Peter greeting Quagmire goodbye.
"So long, Peter. I hope you find your girl." Quagmire said to Peter wishing him luck.
"Thanks, Quagmire. Hope you live next door to me someday." Peter greeted Quagmire goodbye as he walked away.
Just then, Quagmire spotted a women walking by and he approached her as they both went offscreen.
"Hey. Hey! Hey, does this look like a 'Q' to you?" Quagmire asked the women, who screamed in response, "How about now?"
It was later nighttime, where Peter was trying to hitchhike. Luckily for him, a van with "Hot Chocolate" written on the side pulled over for him and he ran up to the passenger side of the van and opened the door.
"So, where is it you need to go, my honky friend?" A young Cleveland asked Peter, who was in fact the driver. He had a big afro, a handlebar mustache and wore only pants. He also had a good attractively fit body.
"Rhode Island," Peter told Cleveland, "That's not too far, is it?"
"Nothing's too far from Donna Tubbs, the cheatin' queen. Women." Cleveland ranted to himself before he turned back to Peter and apologized, "That's not fair, I'm just speaking out of hurt. She didn't really cheat on me, she fell for another man over me."
Cleveland drove on and on and eventually entered the state of South Carolina. Not long after, Cleveland then noticed a truck on the rearview mirror.
"That truck's comin' up on us awfully fast." Cleveland said about the truck behind them.
Upon closer look, the truck was being driven by members of the KKK.
"Holy crap! You see what I see?!" Peter asked Cleveland terrified of what he was seeing on the rear view mirror.
"I'm afraid I do!" Cleveland replied back, realizing what was happening.
"We're being chased by ghosts!" Peter exclaimed in horror, which soon dumbfounded Cleveland.
Suddenly, the flashback ended as another flash of light shined before showing Death and Ub listening to Peter's story.
"So, you went through all this trouble just to see a girl?" Death asked.
"I sure did and I'm just a fat idiot," Peter answered, "What's your excuse, you big chicken?"
"Chicken?! You take that back!" Death then got up and demanded.
"Yeah? Make me!" Peter dared Death, to which Ub tried to signal to Peter to stop.
"I don't make monkeys, I train them!" Death argued at Peter, lightly shoving him.
Peter then shoved Death back hard, to which Death landed a punch on Peter, but the latter soon grabbed him in an elbow lock and began pounding his fist on Death's head.
"Guys! Guys! Guys! Stop fighting!" Ub called out to the two of them, breaking Peter and Death up from their fight. However, Peter accidentally pulled Death's right arm off.
"Oh! Holy crap, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?" Peter apologized to Death.
"No. But this will!" Death declared, in which his right arm poked Peter's eyes with its bony fingers.
"Oh, you bastard!" Peter told Death, using the latter's arm to slap him in the face and then to whack him all over.
"What the hell is going on out here?" Amy then stepped out and demanded to the three now just standing them facing her.
Peter stopped hitting Death with his arm and handed it back to him. Death then reattached his arm into the empty socket.
"Um, actually, I, uh... I, uh..." Death tried to say, but choked up.
Ub then nudged Peter to step in.
"A-Actually, he-he wanted to ask you something." Peter told Amy.
"Amy, you wanna go somewhere and grab a coffee?" Death finally managed to ask Amy.
"Sure. I get off at 2pm." Amy answered accepting Death's offer.
"Great. Uh, uh, great! Uh, I'll meet ya here." Death told her rather eager as Amy stepped back inside the store.
"Hey, ya did it! Alright!" Peter congratulated Death.
"Yeah, you finally have a date with Amy!" Ub also congratulated Death.
"Yeah, and who knows? You might even, uh...you know..." Peter then suggested doing all sorts of weird moves.
Ub and Death looked at each other in confusion before turning back to Peter.
"We're not following you." Death told Peter.
"Intercourse." Peter explained.
"Ah." Ub and Death both acknowledged in unison.
Lois returned to the Mini Mart where she ran into Cleveland and Loretta, who were just stepping out with some groceries.
"What are you doing here?" Lois asked the two.
"Loretta's mom was hankerin' for a snack. So we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n Bits." Cleveland explained.
"Cleveland!" Loretta responded to Cleveland.
"I mean Cheez-Its." Cleveland soon corrected himself.
"Did Peter give you a clue for me?" Lois asked.
"Peter? He's down at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire and that big nosed kid of yours." Loretta informed Lois.
"He's golfing?! On our anniversary?!" Lois asked before storming off.
"Oh, boy. You just put Peter in the doghouse," Cleveland said to Loretta, "Which is where your mother-"
"Don't say it!" Loretta demanded.
Cleveland hesitated to say anything else. "...Your mother smells..."
Back to Peter and Ub, the two took Death to a Gap store to help him get ready for his date with Amy. They waited outside the changing room when Death stepped out wearing a dress shirt and khakis and shoes with a belt that wrapped around basically his spinal cord due to him being a skeleton. His skull was also exposed.
"See, this is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I minus an ass." Death complained showing his bony ass to Peter and Ub.
"Maybe clothes shopping for a skeleton wasn't such a good idea." Ub said.
"Ah, you're tryin' too hard, Death. She's not gonna care what you're wearin'. She's just gonna be glad to see ya. That's how it was with Lois." Peter reassured Death.
"Is there going to be another flashba- *flash of light appears* Yep, there it is." Ub said as another flashback started, which showed Peter being dropped off by Cleveland at the Pewderschmidt mansion. Peter entered the front yard through the front gate and approached the entrance. The problem, though, was that there was a guard dog resting on the porch and woke up to see Peter. It soon growled and barked at Peter before chasing him all over the yard. Peter screamed for his life while running away from the dog. He soon ran over to the lattice on the front of the mansion and climbed up it, successfully avoiding the guard dog. He climbed up to the second floor, where he entered the house through the window and ended up rolling into a hot tub, where Carter was busy relaxing in it...until Peter showed up.
"Hi, Mr. Pewderschmidt." Peter greeted Carter.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Carter demanded.
"Eh, it's a long story. With some terrific performances and a wonderful scene in a carnival. But I'll cut to the ending..." Peter casually answered. Outside, Lois was walking down the hall outside the bathroom where she soon heard Peter's voice coming from inside, "...I wanna marry Lois." Lois was touched by Peter's words.
"Out of the question." Carter refused getting out a checkbook and writing a check, "Now, listen, Griffin. I want you to take this and stay away from my daughter forever."
Carter handed Peter the check and Peter read it, to which he gasped. "A million dollars?!" Peter exclaimed to the amount of money Carter offered.
"A million dollars." Carter confirmed.
"No deal. Lois maybe worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless. I love her, Mr. Pewderschmidt." Peter then rejected Carter's offer, getting out of the tub and ripping up the check. It was that moment where Lois stepped into the room.
"Oh, Peter!" Lois exclaimed touched by Peter's words of dedication running over to him as the two embraced each other in their reunion. It panned over to Peter, Ub and Death witnessing the events of the past unfold before them.
"Holy crap. Mr. Pewderschmidt tried to bribe you with a million dollars just to keep you away from Mrs. Griffin?" Ub asked Peter.
"Yeah, back then, I gave up a million bucks just to be with Lois. Now I won't even miss a lousy golf game to spend our anniversary together. No wonder she's going to dump me." Peter said realizing his mistake about ditching his anniversary for golf.
"Or does she." Death suggested.
"Hey, wait. Death, is this the revelation you talked about earlier?" Ub asked Death.
"Yeah, this must be my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wife!" Peter soon realized.
"Eureka!" Death answered before pulling Peter and Ub, "Now, let's get you two back to the golf course. I've got a date."
"Death, wait, wait, wait. Uh, before we go, I need you to do me one more favor." Peter pulled back his arm and asked Death, taking him offscreen to discuss his favor with him in private.
It then cut to singer Peter Frampton at home washing dishes.
"Peter... Peter Frampton..." Death's voice called out to Peter Frampton in a stereotypical ghostly tone. Frampton turned around saw Death standing a few feet before him pointing at him.
"Oh, no! God, please no! I'm too young to die!" Frampton fretted and pleaded terrified that his time had come. However, he soon asked Death, "Are you sure you're not supposed to be at Keith Richards's house?"
"Alright, if you want to live, come with me." Death insisted to Frampton, "And bring your guitar. And bring that thing you use to make it go..." Death then imitated Frampton's talkbox.
Meanwhile, Lois had arrived at the golf course ready to give Peter a piece of his mind and drove rather recklessly throughout the resort, but she was too pissed to even pay attention or even care right now.
"Damn it, how could he lie to me on our anniversary?" Lois asked herself feeling stupid for not realizing it sooner.
She soon found Peter, who was rather pleasantly calm with Ub next to him and the two waved to her. She stopped and got out of the car, marching straight toward Peter. But just as she got closer to her husband, her anger soon faded when she heard someone playing guitar closeby. It turned out it was Peter Frampton singing his song "Baby, I Love Your Way" for her as he stepped out from behind the tree and continued playing.
"Oh, Peter. Our song." Lois said to Peter instantly touched.
"Happy anniversary, Lois." Peter said to Lois as they both embraced.
"This is the most romantic gift you've ever given me," Lois told Peter clearly touched by his "gift" to her,
"How did you ever put all this together?"
"Well, I had a little help *looks up in the sky* from a very special friend." Peter explained, thinking about Death. Peter then looked at Ub and winked at him, to which Ub winked back.
'You know, I wonder how Death is doing on his date with that Amy girl?' Ub then wondered in his head.
Speaking of which, we cut to Death on his date with Amy at the coffee shop. However, he didn't appear to be having a good time.
"I like animals." Amy said.
"Uh-huh." Death nonchalantly answered uninterested.
"'Cause they're like people, just little furry people." Amy continued taking a sip of her coffee.
"Yeah. Uh, hey. You ever go on the internet? They got some cool stuff on that Internet." Death then asked her, trying to make things interesting.
"Oh, yeah, I bought these shoes from a company on the internet. Because they don't test on animals." Amy said.
"Wow..." Death sarcastically said, making disinterested even more as he sighed from frustration that this date wasn't going anywhere.
"You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankind." Amy stated.
"What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time." Death pointed out to her.
"Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms." Amy argued.
Having had enough of what he was hearing, Death tapped her arm, causing her to drop dead onto the table.
"Check, please." Death told the waiter.
The End.