So... Hi?
I can't believe I actually wrote this.
Took me a great many hours, I hope the result will please you! This was written because of the shocking lack of Armin whump fanfics out there. (Perhaps I only haven't found them yet. If you know any good ones, drop me a note please!)
Hm, me no owns, only playing with them (they hate me for it), set after season 3. (It took me so long to edit this that I can actually take out the spoiler warning. How funny.) Actually it would rather be just before the end of season 3, sometime during the slaughtering of the remaining titans and the voyage to the sea.
I'd say rating T is enough, but it gets pretty graphic? So steer away if blood and wounds make your stomach churn. Buuut, seeing as this is Attack on Titan, I'd say you can handle it!
Have fun and drop off a review!
xXx
Eren readied himself for the attack, his muscles tightening in anticipation.
It was a rare occurrence, the survey corps acting inside the walls like this. But apparently Commander Hanji had requested it in this case.
After a smuggling ring of military weapons had been discovered shortly before the whole mess with the female titan all divisions had been much harsher with regulations concerning disappearing gear. Dozens of smugglers had already been located and either executed as traitors or discharged in some rare first offense cases. By all means there shouldn't have been any way left for smugglers to get their hands on 3DMG.
Which had made the discovery of an underground smuggling ring even more interesting. Both other divisions had feared being watched too closely after three butchered attempts of locating the ring's head. Which was when someone pretty high up the food chain had suggested the Survey Corps could deal with it.
The day was perfect for a surprise attack. No one would expect the Survey Corps to act within the walls, least of all today. Not when a small troop was outside of the wall on a reckon mission, led by one Armin Arlert.
The mere thought made Eren's chest swell with pride, knowing Armin's talents as a strategist and his keen observation had actually gotten him his own mission past the walls. He'd been horribly nervous. It had taken the combined effort of both Eren and Mikasa to get him calmed enough to assure him he'd do fine.
xXx
Armin let out an earsplitting scream. The horse shied away. How hoarse my voice has gotten, Armin noted suddenly. How many times had his agonized cries echoed across the fields in the last few minutes? Hours? He knew it must have been at least six or seven hours since he'd been pinned down. Ten additional minutes earlier there'd been no sight of an attack coming at all.
Wincing he extended a shaking hand to the horse, beckoning it back. "Sorry", he apologized weakly. "Didn't mean to scare you." Again, he didn't say.
It was a green horse by their standards, but for anyone outside the survey corps this would have been a brave steed indeed. Despite this being the mare's first trip outside the walls, the first time she'd faced titans she'd done a terrific job. She'd bucked a bit at first, just enough to show her rider just how uncomfortable she was. But when it had came down to outrunning the titans, maneuvering around gigantic legs willing to trample them, she'd really lived up.
Her rider... Armin forced his eyes open against the pain again, meeting the mare's eyes. They were frightened, oh so horribly frightened, but she'd been trained to come back to her rider even in the most horrible of situations. Only that one was lying somewhere to his right with his face suffocated in mud, one of his legs pierced by an arrow and his throat slashed wide open.
A shiver ran across the blond boy's spine, cracking the injury further again. He bit down on his lip, desperately trying to keep the wail inside. They were still outside the walls, every sound he made could be the one to bring a horde of titans down on them.
The mere thought sent another shiver across his whole form. Even through his clenched jaws the strained yell could probably be heard hundreds of meters away. Forcing his body to still again he raised a shaking hand, giving the mare's snout a short petting. "Not our day, huh?", he forced out.
Oh, how he could see it. A titan towering above him, finding an injured and helpless human, incapable of even moving. A hand clamping down on his body, tearing him loose and raising his body up, up, until he stared at gnarled teeth, until they clomped down on his spine, ending his life. Another human finding themselves waking up alone in a field of corpses without a way to escape, probably sharing Armin's fate in being devoured. Definitely sharing his horror. Who knew, perhaps one day the scouting legion would find the Colossal Titan outside the walls, confused and hurt and Eren and Mikasa would know, would finally know Armin had died there, alone and by himself...
He clenched his hands over his ears, fighting down a sob.
xXx
The signal had barely begun when Eren jumped into action. He flew through the narrow street, smashing through the window of a house one of the ring's members had kindly pointed out to them after Levi had spent a few hours in the dungeon with him.
Back then Eren had been glad Armin hadn't been with them, knowing how hard it was for his friend to stomach such actions. Their remaining peers certainly hadn't appreciated the memories the screams awoke.
Their marks didn't even know where to turn their heads. Windows were smashed in all around the building, giving way to a small elite troop of survey corps soldiers. Eren and Mikasa had been included despite only being with the corps for the better part of a year as a security measure. Mikasa for her insane fighting abilities and Eren himself for his titan powers.
Throwing one of the men down on the floor and holding the sword to his throat he allowed a feral grin to rise to his face. "Go on, move." Digging the blade deeper he pushed his victim deeper into the ground. "I dare you, scum."
The man made a sputtering noise of protest.
All around them the scene was the same. Soldiers pinning corrupt merchants to the floor while others went in search of the stolen goods. It took only a few minutes until one of the soldiers came running up to Hanji, brandishing what was definitely military gear in their hands.
Hanji took it and nodded appreciatively. She bent down to the apparent ring leader. "Hi. You may not know me yet, but I assure you that will change. Care to tell me where you got these from?"
The man spat in her face,
Hanji stared at him for a moment before wiping away the spit and moving over to the next soldier. Kneeling down she took the pinned woman's face in her hand. "And you?"
"Go die", the woman spat out.
Shouts of agreement arose from the other captured handlers. Eren dug the blade another centimeter deeper. "Do me a favor and shut up."
Hanji rose to her full height and looked around. "Anybody willing to tell me? If not you're all going to face some nice... talks. One on one."
Something caught his eye. The man pinned by Mikasa was panting heavily. his eyes rushing across the scene. "Commander", he spoke up, pointing at the man. "I think that one's ready to talk."
Hanji whirled around, her smile coming back on full force. "Aah, a volunteer."
"Don't!" The ringleader was trashing in his respective soldier's grip. "Don't you dare talking you miserable little-" The soldier smashed his face into the floor, keeping him from talking. Muffled shouts still rang out, but nothing comprehensible.
Hanji leaned down to Mikasa's victim and gave him a bone chilling grin. "So you wanna listen to him or to me? Which one of us do you think you have to fear more?"
The man shivered. Hanji shook her head disapointedly. "I really believed in you there. Let's start with him, Levi."
Mikasa yanked the man up, her face betraying nothing about how she felt. The man started trashing around. "Please, no, don't!"
"Oh, so you can talk." Hanji was in his face immediately. "Spill."
Now came the important part. Every soldier had to gauge the reactions of the caught members, had to see by their reactions if he was lying or not. If they managed to give false information to the corps they'd need months to get close again.
The man looked up at Hanji, trembling violently. "If I tell you, will you still torture me?"
She made a show of thinking about it. "Depends on how satisfying your answer is. Throw some names of absent members in and you might go to jail with all your fingers still attached."
xXx
It was inevitable. He couldn't move and even if he could he'd never be able to escape, let alone fight without his gear.
That thought almost made him scream again, knowing somebody had taken his gear off him while he was down. Had they noticed he was still alive? Didn't they care or were they simply sure he'd die within the next few minutes?
A soft sound alerted him to the mare easing herself down to the ground by his side. Carefully he extended an arm, caressing her side. "Why won't you run away", he begged. "If you came back all alone they'd at least know something's wrong." Closing his eyes he forced the images of Eren raging at everybody in his sight away. Tried not to think of Mikasa jumping Levi. "Of course they might think you only ran away. Or you might not make it back by yourself. We really went down the deep end with this."
He was distantly aware his hand was leaving bloody hand prints on the mare's neck. His eyes flew open. There was suddenly an even greater threat than the titans. Because the blood would alert all kinds of predators. Gulping down he forced his eyes open, glancing at the carnage surrounding him. "Hey", he offered, his voice more than making up for all the shaking his body couldn't keep up with in fear of hurting itself even further. "If we're lucky they might just enjoy the feast and ignore us. There's enough corpses here to feed a whole pack of lions for a few weeks."
The mare didn't react. She grazed a bit where Armin's blood had already evaporated. Sighing he leaned his head back into the wall. "Of course they might decide to just kill us anyway." Forcing his eyes upwards he wasn't sure anymore if he was glad about the sun setting or terrified. "We were supposed to be back before nightfall", he informed the horse. "If we aren't they'll surely send out a search and rescue party. At least at night they'll be able to move far quicker."
The mare shifted her weight, trying to roll over to her side. She was hindered by the saddle. With a huff she settled back down next to the injured titan shifter and looked at him. There was trust in her eyes, but also fear. "You realize it too, don't you?", he inquired gently. "You know there's going to be a whole lot of carnivores here soon." By this time he'd made up his mind which death he would prefer. Being eaten by a titan was a horrible way to go. It was terrorizing and inhumane beyond belief. If some animal were to assault him however...
He'd be eaten alive. He would lie there, his body regenerating, while sharp teeth tore away at his flesh. He'd lie there, unable to fight, feeling every single bite. "I hope they'll go for the head", he whispered helplessly. "That way I just might lose consciousness until..." He trailed off. Because Armin was well aware that his spinal fluids had to be spilled for him to die. He'd read enough about predators to know most shared one trait: They wouldn't start chewing on his bones until his flesh was devoured completely. The way his back was rested against the rocks they could never reach the back of his neck, so they'd go for the kill by severing his throat.
A low whine escaped him at the thought. They would bite through his throat, rip him apart, and he would survive it. He would lay there, suffering, screaming, but with no end in sight. Could they even devour him entirely quick enough to kill him completely?
He was aware he was crying somewhere in the distance. His body couldn't stop shaking anymore, causing more and more blood to run down his lithe frame. "I wish I wouldn't be such a wimp", he offered sadly. "If Eren was in this position he'd surely get out. Hell, he might not even have gotten into this position. He'd have dealt with the attack. He'd have transformed into a titan and killed the attackers, saving everyone and returning with a funny little story to share." The mare noticed his ever growing distress and glanced up at him again, her eyes as full of sorrow as his. He didn't dare look away, not from the only thing keeping him sane amidst the corpses of his comrades and the all encompassing fear. "Even if he was in my position right now, he'd probably find a way to get himself a weapon." It helped somewhat, thinking about what Eren would do. "He'd also be able to get himself together. Stop shivering, stop tearing his wounds open again all the time. Then he could simply transform and would be out of here."
The mare muzzled him softly after his voice broke. Taking a deep breath continued on. "He did that once before, you know. Transform with a spike through his chest. But back then the titan's healing ability hadn't kicked in so he could get out. I was unconscious so long my titan's powers are all preoccupied with healing. At least they make the pain a tiny bit more bearable." Raising his free hand he gave the spear another tug, sending himself into spasms again. Gasping he tried his hardest to keep his body still. "I'm glad it's only my lung", he confessed, "not my heart. That would have hurt so much worse." Not that it wasn't excruciating enough already. At least by now his body was trying to heal around the spear, thus keeping his lung from getting filled up with blood again. The agony of those first hours had been beyond anything he'd ever experienced. Except perhaps that, but he didn't really want to compare it. Still, with nothing else to do his mind immediately started comparing the two situations.
xXx
"Repeat that." Hanji's voice was ice cold,
When the man failed to comply immediately she grabbed his shirt and shook him, getting in his face again. "I said repeat that!"
The man whimpered softly. "We were following survey corps troops outside of the walls, with just enough distance so they wouldn't spot us", he elaborated his earlier bombshell. "When they would return we'd attack and relieve them of their gear. After they were weakened by having to fight off titans."
Hanji let him go, taking a shaky step backwards."How dare you...?"
There was an edge to her voice that made Eren happy he'd never crossed her. The controlled anger as her mind pieced together exactly why so many of their troops had died these last few months. Why so many of the smaller groups didn't return- Eren's heart skipped a beat.
"What about today?", he forced out.
Hanji stared at him. Slowly horror dawned on her face. She turned around and smashed her fist into the man's jaw. "Answer already! Was there an attack planned on today's group as well?!"
He gave a low wail, shying away from her. His sobs were only getting louder.
A sudden gasp alerted Eren he'd dug the blade even deeper, drawing blood from his captive's neck. Throwing a glance at Mikasa he could see her hands trembling in barely controlled fury.
"We heard there was a small troop going out today, lead by a novice. We... saw a chance."
Hanji's foot smashed into the side of his head. It would have sent him down, but Mikasa's grip held him upright. "How many?", Hanji demanded, seething in anger. "When?"
The man recoiled. Tears ran across his cheeks. Any sympathy Eren might have held for him had long since disappeared. Because that was Armin's troop they were talking about. The troop he'd been asked to lead so Hanji could ascertain his leadership qualities, so various politicians could be convinced he was an asset to humanity, not a threat, despite the titan powers he now held within his grasp.
"It's too late", the ringleader sneered. He'd raised his head, blood coating his bare skull. "By this time your comrades are already dead. Your survey corps comrades tend to be so easily killed by beings smaller than two meters." His eyes were malicious. "They're all dead. Deal with it."
xXx
"Being burnt hurt worse", Armin decided finally, "but it was easier to bear. Perhaps because I had a goal. And because I knew it was going to be over soon. You know, by now I'm almost hoping titans will find us first. They'll leave you alone at least." The horse looked up again. Her snout gave him a soft nudge, almost as if to reprimand him for his dark thoughts.
It wasn't that he hadn't tried getting away. After he'd noticed the spear wouldn't budge he'd tried pulling himself off, but the angle made it impossible. And for some reason he simply couldn't raise his body more than a few centimeters. He was well and truly caught.
Armin tried not to listen to the vultures' cries. He wasn't sure when they had appeared, how long they'd already ripped apart the corpses of his comrades. Not that they were making an exception for the bodies of their fallen enemies. Deep within he knew there was a high chance they were already eyeing him. Knew the small wound on his stomach, the one he didn't remember getting in the fight, was from one of them.
"They wouldn't really be wrong about one thing though", he found himself saying dejectedly. "I'm already dead. No matter how you look at it." He was almost glad the mare didn't look up this time, instead staring off to the distance. She was agitated, but there was no clear threat or any hint of a rescue in sight. She was only on the lookout. "If we miss the deadline they'll probably wait another half an hour before they even start preparing a search and rescue troop. Even if they rode straight for us they'd need another five or six hours. But they don't know where we are. I don't have a signal flare with me anymore and they wouldn't see it at night anyway."
His heart almost broke when the mare looked back to him, her ears hanging. She too had lost her whole herd, she knew as well as he did that they'd probably die here. Still she didn't abandon him.
"Thanks", he told her earnestly. "Makes this better, not being all alone. Can't really control my thoughts that well when I'm by myself. I'd probably go crazy in ten minutes or so."
xXx
"Hanji!"
The commander came to a halt, turning her head slightly to face Eren.
"We'll send a search troop, right? We'll bring them back, won't we?"
Hanji didn't look at him. "If the attack is already over there's nothing we can change anymore. If they aren't back at the deadline we'll send a search and rescue party."
"But it could already be too late!"
Hanji finally turned around to face him fully. "You don't sound like you believe much in Armin's abilities anymore. Tell me, was that a ruse to save his life?" There was an underlying threat to her voice. Eren found himself recoiling as if he'd been bitten.
"No, I... I just worry. All those soldiers were trained to fight, against humans as well! And so far none of them survived! If we set out now we might-"
Hanji held up a hand. "We have to take care of this mess first. If they aren't back in time we'll send another squad out. That's final", she stressed upon seeing Eren open his mouth. Giving him a once-over she turned around and marched out of the building, vanishing in the streets.
A hand met Eren's shoulder. "He'll be fine", Mikasa offered.
Eren glared at the handlers being led away. "Prison's too good for them", he snarled. "They killed so many of ours."
"Armin won't be one of them."
Looking up to the sky, seeing the slowly setting sun, Eren felt something tug at his insides. "I hope you're right."
xXx
It was getting dark.
That eliminated the titan threat. Noticing the mare's rowing agitation he patted her neck again, glad to see the blood from his hand had finally evaporated.
With his sight getting worse in the growing darkness his other senses tried making up for the loss of information. Sadly there was no way he could screw his nose shut. The smell of blood haunted him in his dreams ever since he'd shot a woman to save Jean, but this was worse. There was so much death all around him.
"You should go find something to eat", Armin told the horse. You gnawed up everything in reach already." His trembling voice betrayed everything he didn't want to say. Don't go, don't leave me, I'm afraid! The mare looked up at him again. Sadly she understood all too well what he was trying not to say. She nuzzled him yet another time before settling back down. She'd found a way to get comfortable even with the saddle. Slowly her eyes closed.
"Good idea", Armin agreed. "I'll try to get some sleep too. Who knows, if I don't move for a while and the wound heals I might even be able to transform again. I could save both of us." Thinking of the blast radius of the Colossal Titan he winced. "I hope. I wouldn't kill you. Not after you helped me so much."
One of her ears flicked at him tiredly. He allowed himself a sad smile. "Sorry, I'm keeping you up. Good night."
xXx
"It's getting dark", Mikasa told him.
They were under strict orders not to mention anything about Armin's squad being under attack by a band of suicidal smugglers that just had to make their jobs harder. Which was why up to now neither of their friends had worried too much.
Now though they were starting to get restless as well. "Hey, wasn't Armin supposed to be back now?", Jean asked, his voice slightly higher than usual. He had originally been supposed to join the attack as well, but had been delegated to the Military Police for the whole week, only returning a few minutes ago himself.
"He was", Eren grit out. Jumping to his feet he barged out of the door. This had gone on too long already.
"What's his problem?", he heard Connie wonder behind him.
xXx
Armin was well acquainted with the ways of being forcibly awoken.
He knew the panic of realizing he had been asleep for too long after staying up too late. He knew the rush of waking to blaring alarms. There were so many ways to wake up involuntarily.
However nothing would have prepared him for this wake-up call.
He stared into the face of a hyena.
"God, NO!" His voice broke, pure terror sending waves of adrenaline flooding through him. Glistening eyes regarded him calmly. The animal knew its prey couldn't escape.
Of course they would be drawn to me! There's a difference between fresh blood and dried corpses!
He couldn't look away. Bared fangs came closer, ever closer, until they were only a few centimeters away from his face. It wouldn't back away, he understood with a further pang of horror. Even if he tried to shy it away. The knowledge didn't keep him from attempting it. Especially not when the animal gave a snarl and lunged for his throat.
Bringing his arms up any success he might have had with avoiding to aggravate his wound any further was ruined immediately. The wetness in his chest told him he'd even ripped the tissue within his lung again. But even the anticipation of another hour of agony couldn't get him to stop moving.
His hands desperately clawed at the beast, striking at it with strength he shouldn't have had left.
His left hand shielded his throat
"Please, just..." He knew he was sobbing now. His clothes were soaked in blood."Why..." It streamed down his arms. "There's enough to feed all of you, please..." The sight of it steaming, showing off his titan powers would have had him curl up and die. "Leave me be, just... please..." If only he could.
"Please", he begged. "Not while I'm still alive!"
xXx
"Why isn't a search team ready?!"
"Eren, I swear if you don't calm down yesterday I will-"
"We knew they are being attacked! We waited until the deadline was over! Why is there still no search troop ready!"
xXx
With a sound unlike anything he'd ever heard his flesh ripped.
He'd thought his throat had hurt before. Nothing had prepared him for the sheer agony flooding his body now.
His left lung was filled with blood. His throat was slashed wide open. Blood gushed from his wounds, both old and new. About five hyenas tore at his body, teeth cutting through skin, bones cracking dangerously as they set on tearing their prey apart.
The second his throat had healed Armin was already screaming again.
xXx
The bunk bed crashed to the floor with a loud crash.
"Eren, don't you think you should calm-"
"I should not fucking calm down! That's Armin out there!"
"And you whining about it doesn't make anything better!" Jean angrily pushed Eren back, sending him tumbling over the wooden boards that had broken loose when he'd smashed into the bed.
"What would you know?" Eren jumped back to his feet in a fluid motion, turning the jump into a lunge for his comrade's throat. Throwing him back into the wall, one hand just over his breastbone Eren let his voice drop in a low whisper. "What would you know?"
"I found Marco's corpse."
Eren's hands dropped to his sides. Jean looked at the floor, nothing but pain written in his face. "I wasn't even looking for him, just... passing the street and there he was."
"I know", Eren mumbled. They all knew. They'd all held Jean sometime during those nights, when he woke up screaming Marco's name. And nobody more often than...
"Armin is important to all of us", Jean forced out between clenched teeth. "He saved all our hides more often than I care to admit. I know you two know each other since forever but don't", his hands gripped Eren's shirt, giving him a harsh shake, "don't you ever, ever, tell us we don't know how it feels to lose someone we love! Don't you ever dare telling us we don't care for Armin, you hear me?!"
xXx
He pushed weakly at the hyenas surrounding him.
Ever so often one of them would lose interest in him and move over to the corpses, taking a bite out of his fallen comrades.
They would quickly be exchanged by another one tearing at him. There was no system to their movement, only jagged, harsh tears at all of his limbs.
Something breathed into his ear.
A small part of him screamed Don't react, don't show them your fear but most of him knew it would make no difference. The hyenas were trying to kill him with all their might. They wouldn't stop until his life had ended, but in their current position they couldn't kill him.
A soft hiss was the only warning he got before fangs broke through his jaw.
His right arm came up, shoving desperately at the beast tearing at his face. Another set of teeth closed around the limb, rendering it useless.
Was he still crying? He didn't know. One of the beasts had gnawed at his scalp a while back, sending him into a blissful time of unconsciousness. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, only that it hadn't been enough for the blood covering his whole head to evaporate. His whole face was covered in crimson wetness.
The sharp crack to his right was followed by his nerves screaming anew. His voice couldn't follow up.
He was still fighting back as much as he could.
Why was he?
xXx
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!"
Eren urged his horse further, closing the gap to Levi. "Hey!", he called out, "Why are we taking so many detours? We could have rode straight for them!"
"We can't", Levi bit back. "The map of this area is unclear. Which was why we had a squad outside the walls anyway. And they didn't really have a set route anyway. We're tracking as good as we can, but with this light..."
Eren heard his own knuckles crack as his fists closed around the reigns. "So we're doing the best we can", he forced out bitterly.
The older man didn't even spare him a glance. "Of course we are. As we always do."
xXx
His body fell.
Armin cried out at the suddenness of it. A loud growl at the unexpected movement brought him back to his senses.
The spear was still lodged through his chest. It had definitely reopened the wound in all its original severeness. Not that the feeling of drowning in his own blood was anything new by now.
What had changed? He forced himself not to focus on the two hyenas standing on his left, tearing at flesh and ripping his body apart. Sadly he had no choice when he noticed why his prison had become less restrictive.
One of the hyenas had ripped out a chunk of flesh above his hip. It was already regrowing, much to his horror. But at the moment there was only a hand's breadth of flesh between the spear and freedom.
It would hurt. It would hurt so horribly. But if he didn't...
Armin didn't even fight the wail back from cracking through his lips. Gathering what little strength was left in his body, straining whichever muscle had not been ripped apart, he threw himself to the right.
Agony blazed through the very essence of his being. The spear held. The wound teared further. Crying from pain and fear he threw himself to the side again. If only he could get lose, if only he could break away...
Then what? He was in the middle of a pack of hyenas, one that wasn't particularly fond of leaving any of their victims alive. There was no way he could flee.
He almost gave up right then and there.
He would have. Maybe he should have.
The hints of a memory tore at his mind. A face glancing around the corner. Him, sitting on the round, hurting and alone. Oh, how naive he had been, thinking he knew pain and loneliness then.
Still, he was Armin Arlert, and if there was one thing he didn't do, it was quitting. He wouldn't allow himself to be devoured without fighting back. Not when he finally had been offered a chance.
The third tear was the last he needed.
Flesh gave way under the pressure. Wood splintered as he ripped away from his prison. A tiny part of his mind noticed the metal barbs sticking out of the wood. No wonder he hadn't been able to pull himself off the spear.
The hyenas looked as surprised as Armin felt. The apparent leader – the one who'd attacked him first – stepped forward with a growl. But it looked uncertain.
Why wouldn't it? Its prey had been torn apart, had been dying even before they arrived, so why was it still fighting? How much strength did it have left? Was it less dangerous to focus on the corpses surrounding them?
Armin was all too aware his situation hadn't improved at all. The only difference was that now-
It had changed.
At the edge of his vision, barely illuminated by the moonlight, stood a single horse.
xXx
"We are taking a break here!", Hanji's voice ran across the fields.
Eren had already opened his mouth when he noticed his horse was trembling underneath him. That was new.
The horses they used were trained so their stamina almost never ran out. Were they traveling that much faster than usually? By night?
Suddenly he felt guilty for being so harsh with Hanji.
Thrusting his reigns at Mikasa with a wordless explanation he ran over to the commander.
"Hanji, I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to explode at you like that."
She didn't answer, didn't even look at him. Her eyes were drawn to the horizon. "This was the last place Armin marked in his map", she offered finally. "He talked me through the route as much as possible. But they'll have continued on much further."
"You think a couple of criminals would be willing to follow so far out?"
"Looks like they did so for a while." She was gripping the handles of her swords tightly, staring into the darkness were somewhere, somewhere a squad of their soldiers waited for rescue. He had to believe in it.
"Thank you", Eren mumbled unhappily. "Thanks for allowing a rescue mission."
"I would have done so even if you hadn't caused such a ruckus." Hanji threw a glance downwards, her eyebrows rising at the sight of her white knuckles. She forcibly unlocked her fingers from the weapon, leaving her arms hanging by her sides.
"The last real talk I had with Armin was practically me telling him I wished he'd died." Eren found himself staring at the commander. He'd been there for that pep-talk, but had they really not spoken to each other again? "We had a handful of meetings where I pulled him in as a strategist, sure. But that's not the same. I think I never actually apologized to him."
"He knows", Eren offered weakly. Because Armin had to know, he was brilliant unlike anyone else. Except he was also incredible dense when it came to minor issues such as the worth of his own life.
Hanji nodded slowly. "I sure hope he does."
xXx
Adrenaline, Armin thought at himself, was without doubt the only reason humanity had survived that long. He didn't know how he'd gotten up to his feet, nor how he tore loose from the hyena still hanging from his arm. Luckily the mare had realized his situation and bravely jumped straight into the fray.
It was a miracle.
Somehow his hands grasped at the saddle, pulling his broken and battered body upwards. "Go", he urged the mare, "Run!"
Something slammed into them.
Looking down Armin found his eyes widening in horror at the hyena hanging off his leg. With a desperate cry he hit it, kept hitting it with every last ounce of strength. Its teeth were clenched into his limb, no way it was letting go. The mare jumped over a small formation of rocks, slamming the hyena's body against one of them. It let out a squeal of pain, it's teeth loosening somewhat. Balling his fist Armin sent out a prayer to whichever deity might be willing to listen. His fist came down.
xXx
"I wish there was a way he could signal us", Mikasa said.
Eren didn't need any further information. The problem was obvious: While it might be one of the lighter nights there was no way signal flares were going to have any effect, which was also the reason their squad rode so closely together.
"I could transform, then he'd know where we are", he joked weakly.
"If he just happens to look into the right direction. And no obstacles were in the way", Levi called back. "It's too risky."
"Hey, after everything that happened to us these last few months we're overdue for some luck!"
Levi scoffed. "Luck. Yeah, right. Sounds like us. The lucky survey corps."
xXx
The mare was rushing across uneven terrain, her footing true. Behind him were the ragged breaths of a couple hyenas who'd followed. Would they tire of the chase?
It seemed like ages ago that he'd bitten down on his tongue to keep the screams inside, fearing he'd attract more enemies.
What was there to fear anymore? The titans would be asleep. And even if he only attracted more predators... It couldn't get any worse. Taking as deep of a breath as his still regenerating lung would allow he rose up in the saddle, hoping his vocal chords had healed enough.
When he finally did scream, his voice carried across the barren lands like an explosion. It almost felt as if his titan was screaming through him.
He couldn't really hear his own wail, but he knew it would wake anything within the next couple of kilometers. With any luck it would even reach the search party. So he screamed, roared until his throat gave out, until he doubled over in the saddle, his hands clawing at the tear in his neck.
xXx
Ears strained desperately, listening for any clue, even the hint of a sound that might tell him where his friends might have gone. But he didn't hear anything.
The only noise was the rhythmic stampeding of the horses. There was a sudden sense of urgency in the air, as if by some unseen clue everyone realized time was running out.
Eren wasn't a religious person, neither was he one to believe in miracles. But he had turned in a 15 meter titan and Armin into a 60 meter monster, he was willing to bet on there being some kind of telepathic bond between the titans, one that told him his friend would die if he didn't hurry.
Cold beads of sweat ran across his face, making his hair stick to his skin.
"Hurry", he could hear Hanji whisper in the darkness. "Hurry!"
xXx
"Anybody! Help!" His voice started breaking again. His lung screamed out all the agony his mouth couldn't. "HELP!"
He knew it was pointless. The survey corps couldn't be close enough to help. It felt like hours since the pack had first arrived, but even then there was no way a troop would have found him so quickly.
How long had it been since he'd started fleeing? He could smell the sweat rolling off the horse, could feel the way her muscles strained against the building exhaustion.
Why, just why were they still chasing him? They had a mountain load of corpses waiting for them, a load of prey that didn't fight back. Weren't they afraid other animals might take their prey from them?
He was deep into their territory, Armin understood suddenly. They weren't afraid of someone else taking what was theirs. And they wouldn't let anything they considered theirs escape either.
He felt like crying again, but his tears had dried up a long time ago. His body didn't have any fluids to spare. Even with his titan's regenerative power he still found his remaining eyesight blurring from blood loss.
It would be a sad way to go, he noted. Surviving the titans. Surviving the ambush on the way back. Surviving a pack of hyenas coming at him. Only to keel over and die from overexertion.
It wouldn't happen, of course. His body would heal again, and the hyenas were only a few dozen meters behind anyway. If he was lucky the exhaustion might just be enough to put him under until the pack had found his weak point, had cracked his neck and killed him.
Fear ran through him again. What if simply breaking his neck wasn't enough? Was there a way he could heal from that?
The rational part of him insisted it would be the end. But he had been pushed way past rationality. His nerves were on fire, his body sluggish and his thoughts spinning. The thought of being eaten alive until someone found him and ended his misery...
It might be over soon if one of the titans found him. Perhaps he should search for a titan and if he found one, lay down next to him with the back of his neck upwards, hoping they'd kill him quickly. If not, as soon as it awoke, the titan would finish the job.
If it wasn't an abnorma. Another shiver shook through him, almost sending him to the ground. If it was an abnorma... he would be devoured like Eren had been, back in Trost. He would be eaten in one piece, getting killed ever so slowly from oxygen deprivation. And then he would be purged up. Alone, in the middle of nothing. With only the hope of a normal titan finding and killing him keeping him going.
He didn't even have the energy left to curse.
The chances he'd run into an abnorma of all things was slim. But then again, the chances of being ambushed by humans outside of the walls had been just as slim. Becoming honorary meal of a pack of hyenas was not on his list-of-daily-happenings as well. It would be just his luck.
The mare stumbled.
It was nothing big, nothing he hadn't learned how to sit through within his first week of training all the way back. The only thin he'd been immediately good at, even. Staying atop a bucking or stumbling horse felt second nature to him.
But that was when he was not tired and in pain beyond belief.
"The seconds before disaster seemed to slow down", his grandfather had once told him about a mining accident he'd been involved with. "You knew immediately what was going to happen."
A slight tilt to the side.
"And you knew, theoretically, what you should do in a case like this."
Close his legs, grab the saddle, anything.
"But deep inside you know it's futile."
His grip slipped.
"Because your brain already knows what your mind does not."
The ground rushed upwards.
"No matter what you tried..."
A loud crack echoed across the land. Tumbling over the round, Armin desperately fought for any kind of footing, anything to control his tumble.
His back connected with the trunk of a tree. Another loud thump was swallowed by the grass.
Liquid fire traveled up through his legs, gathering at the point of impact. Time stood still.
A harsh breath fell on his face. Looking up he came face to face with the pack's alpha.
He didn't feel pain then. "Nice and easy", he found himself saying. "Just let me roll over quickly, alright? I'll be much less hard to kill if you'd just let me-"
The hyena jumped.
Fangs bore into his cheek, tearing through flesh, cracking bone. He couldn't even get his arms up anymore, too exhausted by the constant effort of healing the countless injuries.
The alpha let go. For a second Armin almost dared hoping, if it didn't pin him down immediately again he might just-
Fangs came down on his face again. This time, he could see them the second before they stroke. He could see them as closely as never before. His heart skipped a beat.
When the teeth came down, they connected with bone again.
Right eye socket giving away to the pressure Armin's whole face was set aflame with pain. His vision grew dark.
The alpha ripped at him, tore at his skin, at his eye, until muscles gave way and fibers tore apart.
The left eye tracked the retreating creature, it's owner frozen in terror.
Too frozen to notice he might just have had a chance of escaping, could have forced his body around, offered his tormentors his weak point and finally, finally be free...
"No matter how much of yourself you pour into it..."
Weight settled down onto his chest. Far away he heard a horse's cry of pain.
The alpha sneered down at him. It's maw was dripping with blood. Steam coiled around it's snout, giving it an almost demon-like look.
The boy shivered violently, knowing every single fear he'd had was about to come true. There wouldn't be any miraculous escapes anymore.
"You've already lost."
xXx
Jean Kirschstein glared out of the window harshly enough to make some of the new recruits pause before quickly figuring out there was no way they'd get under his nose when he was in such a horrible mood.
He was distantly aware some where muttering, casting strange looks at him.
He didn't care.
This whole assignment was one big joke. A sick and twisted one, at that.
Oh, he got why it was important to have someone teach the new kids. And why it would be interesting for them to see just how far one person could evolve in four years.
Which still didn't explain why he was here and not out with the rest of the Survey Corps to look for his missing friend!
It wasn't fair, he knew that. He wasn't the only one left behind. In fact, all members from their little group had been banned from joining the mission, sans Eren and Mikasa.
That just made him dislike his absence more. Surely they'd have another few people at hand who could take over that little experimental course.
The clouds drew back, revealing the tiny, sparkling lights he usually loved to watch. Today they merely served to disgruntle him even more.
Uncurling his white fingers from the windowsill he stomped off towards the officers' quarters. He had a few heads to rip off.
The odd glances he received on his way reminded him sharply that it was already the middle of the night. If he were to wake an officer now... yeah, fat chances of them approving.
Slowing his pace and taking the last stairway away from the quarters he found himself hissing angrily whenever any of the people still milling around failed to get out of his way immediately.
One big, twisted joke is what this is.
He'd wait until morning. Then he'd raise hell on anyone who'd try to keep him away when a friend needed him.
If it was all he could do to welcome Armin home after all of this, then he would at least do that much.
He cared too much to do any different.
xXx
He'd long forgotten how often he'd screamed by now.
Time lost all meaning as the creatures tore away at him. A handful of times they'd gotten deep enough to gnaw on bone, but never quite enough to kill him. One of the hyenas lay off to the side, sharpening its teeth on one of his ribs it had torn loose.
Much to his joy – not – the feeling in his legs had also returned. Which meant he had even more places where he could feel the teeth slashing into his body.
He was lucky in a way, he supposed. Turned out it was only a small part of the pack that had followed him, only four hyenas in total. One of them hadn't returned after he'd heard the mare scream. One lay by the side. The other was tearing away happily at his left side where the original wound still hadn't closed completely. Sometime during the last hours it had closed up enough that he didn't drown on his own blood the whole time anymore. But if that hyena went on like that it might just start again.
He didn't even have the energy left to shiver anymore.
The alpha didn't help either. It lay on his chest, staring him down. Despite the loud growls of its stomach it hadn't attacked another time, staring at Armin befuddledly. Every few minutes – minutes that felt like years – it would slowly chomped down on his neck, each time severing his throat anew. Each time it sent him into spasms again, his body desperately trying to heal the damage.
The alpha would only sit and stare, not even bothering with injuring him any further. Some times he would lean down to lick off the blood falling from Armin's neck. All the time, those horrible eyes would stay fixed on his own.
It was time again. A slight twitch across the alpha's eyes and he leaned down again. His eyes still glued to Armin's pale blue gaze.
Its fangs were almost gentle this time, caressing the flesh. The teeth were cold on his skin. They sliced through his flesh almost carefully. By now he had a good estimation about the exact distances of every vital organ within his body. At his rate, ten seconds until...
The hyena pulled back.
Armin was too confused to understand what was going on. The teeth had been right there, why didn't the pain come? His whole body shuddered in anticipation of the terrible agony when his body forced itself to continue living despite the tear in what was usually one of a human's most vital points.
The alpha didn't look at him anymore. Instead its eyes fixed to something else, something big moving under the treetops of the forest. He lay at the very edge of the trees, still under the trunk that had smashed his back, shattered his lower spine. Why, oh why couldn't it have hit just a tiny bit higher...?
The alpha growled low in its throat. Its fur was standing straight up. Could this mean...
Armin's brain fuzzed on despite all the horror. Dawn. Outside the walls.
This wasn't the rescue party he was waiting for.
At the edge of the forest stood a 4 meter titan.
xXx
"Dawn", Hanji murmured helplessly.
They'd ridden through most of the night. Everyone was on edge. Now, they'd have to look out for titans on top of everything.
"Spread out! Fall into formation! Keep the flares ready!"
Eren traded an uneasy glance with Mikasa. They both knew they couldn't risk it, couldn't risk losing everyone to save one person, even if it was strategic genius Armin and the Colossal Titan. Had it been anyone less Hanji would probably already have abandoned the search.
Nudging his horse to the right side of the formation he found himself thanking Hanji over and over again in his head. "I owe you one, Hanji. Big time."
xXx
Somehow he was still able to move. The hyenas backed away from the titan, hissing at it. Armin carefully backed away from both. He kept himself at the edge of the forest, inching away slowly.
There was a tree, a old, giant tree which had lots of space between its roots. Enough to fit a slim teenager. Not enough to fit a 5 meter titan.
Leaves rustled softly as the hyenas pulled back, too frightened by the titan eyeing the same prey. They knew titans wouldn't usually attack them, but this was far from usual.
Armin felt a boulder drop from his heart. They were gone. After all these hours they'd finally pulled back.
The shaking ground reminded him sharply of the titan towering above him.
Why run? Wasn't that exactly what he'd wished for those last hours? For something to find him, kill him? Yet as he stared up to the titan Armin felt the well known fear grab at him. Risking a short glance behind he noticed he was only ten meters away from the roots. The titan stood two meters from him.
He could do this.
Probably. When he was not busy bleeding every ounce of titan power he possessed into the ground.
Still, he couldn't simply roll over and die. If it was day there was a small chance a Survey Corps squad would be out searching for him, looking for a trail now that the light was back.
He had to try.
The titan leaned down and extended its arm.
Armin jumped up to his feet. Torn muscles and cracked bones wrought a yell of pure anguish from his throat, but he kept moving. The titan's fingers grasped at air.
Six meters. An annoyed huff and another earth shaking step.
Four meters. A shadow rising above him.
Two meters. It pushed down. He jumped.
His body crashed into the ground, breaking through what little foliage remained above the tiny natural cave.
The fall wasn't deep, the cave barely big enough to fit him in three or maybe four times. The opening just wide enough that a chewed up teenage soldier could fit.
The titan made a low noise, reaching down for him. Its hand wouldn't fit.
Furrowing its brow it tried again, this time with only four digits. When it still couldn't reach him only three fingers entered the gap.
To Armin's immense horror they reached him.
The fingers clawed and pushed at him, nudging him this way and that, shooting waves of pain and fear through his body.
Still he found himself relaxing. "It's okay", he told the titan. "No matter how this ends it'll be okay. If you eat me you'll get your humanity back, but you have to promise me one thing." Did he imagine it or was it blinking at him in understanding? "You have to tell Eren and Mikasa I'm sorry."
The titan hesitated. Then the fingers were back, pushing, shoving.
He found himself smiling. "Sorry", he told it. "That's only the emergency plan. Could you... stop shoving me? I haven't really slept in two days and... yeah. I'm going to sleep now. If you manage to get through please... don't wake me up. Just kill me while I sleep."
xXx
There was a trail now.
Where the hoof-prints of the original squad's horses had been all but invisible on the rocky terrain before they now stood out clearly.
Nobody was talking anymore, all eyes set on the trail. They all had comrades and family in the missing troop. They were so close.
A few times he could see Hanji opening her mouth, turning to face them ever so slightly, but each time she decided against saying what he guessed was the command to fall back.
It was easy to miss. They almost would have.
A loud yell from the side alerted Eren to movement by the edge of a small forest.
His heart skipped a beat. "Hanji!", he yelled out.
She turned her head. Her eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. "Go!", she shouted back, "Take Levi with you! Send a flare when you found something!"
"Got it!" Knowing Levi had heard the command as well he didn't bother signaling the older man, simply guiding his horse away from the rest of the squad. He was distantly aware of not only Levi but Mikasa too following him.
They reached the horse in no time. The poor creature was shivering, clearly frightened. Its hind leg was bleeding from what looked like-
Eren found his breath hitching. "A predator?"
Levi's mouth was set in a thin line. "If anyone survived that attack and titans I doubt they are in any shape to fight off a whole pack of wolves thirsting for their lives. Stop gawking, you two!" With pointed commands he ordered Mikasa to take care of the hurt mare. She looked unhappy about being told to stay behind but Levi shut her down quickly. "If there's anyone I can trust to stay alive on their own it's you", he stated dryly. "Now do as I told you."
As they rode on Eren found his fear getting the better of him. The horse had been all alone, what had happened to its rider?
They stayed by the edge of the forest, not quite ready to head inside.
Without warning Levi pushed his horse into a halt.
Eren reined his gelding down, a question already on his lips. It died out before it ever made it further.
Not even 30 meters away was a small gathering of titans. At the forefront stood a 5 meter titan with a tiny, blood coated figure clenched between its palms. A very blond figure.
Eren let out an anguished wail and jumped forwards. All conscious thought was terminated. There was only one goal.
Save Armin.
xXx
Armin didn't scream when the titan had started digging at the ground, frustrated about the human hiding directly in front of its nose. He hadn't screamed when its fingers grabbed at him more forcefully, smashing him into the side of the tiny earth cave and crushing his legs.
He'd watched, hours after he'd fallen asleep, how the titan slowly came closer, grabbing at him every few seconds.
He couldn't really fear it anymore.
Oh, he was deathly afraid of the pain, but at least it would be over quickly. That was everything that mattered. He had to get out, somehow. If he noticed it would start getting colder, if night grew close and there was still no survey corps... he'd climb out. He'd feed himself to the titan. Titans, plural. Sometime during his sleep a handful of titans had arrived, all waiting for him to be torn from his earthen prison.
A soft thump alerted him to a new cause of distress.
The titan had given up on digging and was instead smashing at the floor. The round shook. Earth fell down around him.
Without a warning part of the root broke.
The hard wood landed across his body, over his freshly broken legs, and still he didn't scream.
The hand grabbed at him again. Fingers clenching around him the titan pulled, showing no compassion when Armin's body scraped across the fallen root, ripping through skin yet another time.
He was tired, so horribly tired. He was distantly aware the titan was slowly raising his body to its mouth, but he couldn't bring himself to fight anymore. Somehow he knew his titan's power was used up for the time being. The wounds wouldn't heal anymore. He could finally die.
A roar tore through his thoughts.
A very familiar roar.
Blinking up, Armin was just in time to see a green eyed titan breaking through the rest of the giant forms, knocking them aside blindly. An enormous hand closed around the 5 meter titan's body, squeezing until it went limp. Armin fell to the ground. He couldn't grasp what just happened. Blinking blearily up at the sun he found himself wondering if maybe, just maybe the last hours had been nothing but an extremely horrible dream.
Milliseconds before he'd have hit the ground a pair of arms wrapped around him. pulling him into a tight embrace. The arms pushed onto broken bones, and still he didn't scream.
Blinking up he registered short, black hair and a well known face.
"Don't move", Levi advised, flying through the air with Armin's battered body lying helplessly in his arms. "Eren's got his. Just relax. It's over."
Over. That... that sounded nice.
xXx
"What do you mean I can't see him?", Eren raged at the nurse trying to keep him out of the halls.
Mikasa was by his side, glaring menacingly at the nurse who only raised his arms.
"I'm sorry, but... your friend has only just recovered enough to open his eyes and commander Hanji called dibs. I have orders to keep everyone else outside."
Eren wanted to barge past the soldier. Oh, how badly he wanted to. But something held him back. "He recovering well?", he inquired softly.
The nurse looked a bit helpless. "We don't know the original extent of his injuries, but considering the slow rate at which his wounds close... I'd say he used up most of his regeneration already. He's still recovering much faster than a normal human, but... it's bad."
"He'll make a full recovery?" That was the only thing that counted.
To his immense relief the nurse nodded. "We had to, ah, re-break a few of his bones. They started healing the wrong way. Now everything's healing up nicely again. I'd still recommend he stay in bed a few more days."
Eren nodded slowly. "That's the only important thing. Thank you."
The nurse nodded. Laying a hand on Eren's shoulder. "He's a tough one, your friend. He'll pull through just fine."
And of course this man knew exactly who Armin was, just how everyone apparently did. Eren knew Armin was a likable person, but seeing so many people coming by and asking for news really made him want to burst into tears.
xXx
Armin sat down the glass, cherishing the feeling of water on his tongue. He was aware he kept Hanji and Levi waiting, but after so long without any water – he hadn't even noticed how desperately he'd needed it – it felt like paradise.
Nodding at Hanji to show he was ready he leaned his back against the wall, stretching his legs out on the hospital bed. He didn't know what everybody had against the hospital. The beds were nice and cozy. They had water. What more could he wish for?
"I know you're feeling awful right now", Hanji said softly. "You can rest in a couple of minutes, okay? There's just... some things we have to know before."
Nodding slowly he began retelling how he'd led the troop across the fields, how they'd evaded confrontation with titans successfully – until they'd ran into three abnorma gathered in the same place.
He recounted how they'd managed to beat them without any losses – causing Hanji to ask for more details, how had they done it, what plan had he pulled out this time – and went to ride on. How they'd been attacked without warning by other humans, the fear and confusion
"Why didn't you transform?", Levi asked finally.
Armin gulped down. Hard. "I- I couldn't."
"You mean you let yourself be crushed completely without even trying to-?" Hanji looked absolutely livid. Armin felt tears stinging on his cheeks. Of course she would be mad. This was only the first proof Erwin should have been saved instead of him. She had every right to be angry. Erwin wouldn't have gotten into such a situation.
A soft hand came to rest on his cheek. The right one. The one that had been torn... He almost flinched back, but the softness of the hand let him remember he wasn't in danger anymore.
Looking up he was surprised to see Levi's fave. For once it was gentle. "What happened?"
He couldn't quite hide the sob. "I didn't want to kill my comrades, so I didn't transform." He brought a hand up to wipe away the tears, but Levi caught it, squeezing it softly. "When so many of us died in the ambush I... I wanted to. I really wanted to."
"But you couldn't?" He could almost hear Hanji's sneer.
"I wasn't quick enough. One of the man attacked me from behind while I was still fighting off another one. I... I've never been good in fighting after all." Taking a deep breath he went on. "I managed to dodge sideways, but I got cornered with my back to a couple of rocks. Lots of rocks. Big ones." He used to like rocks like those. He'd probably never be able to look at them the same way anymore.
"I couldn't dodge the next attack. One of them slammed me back. I hit my head against the rock pretty badly. Fell down. I... the rest is pretty blurry. The other had a spear, long thing with barbs. I remember he raised it and... when I woke up half of the spear was still sticking out of my chest." His voice trembled at the memory. "I couldn't get it loose. Everyone around me was dead. One of the horses got frightened during the battle and ran. It came back later."
"How did you get away?"
Bile rose up in his throat. Immediately Levi's hands pushed softly, reminding him it was over. "It's okay, you don't have to answer right now. Take your time."
He glanced up at Hanji. To his surprise she wasn't glaring at him. Her face was unreadable, but an unmistakable hint of anger simmered in her eyes. "I don't know if I managed to pull it loose a bit or... I..." Why, oh why was it so hard to speak of this? He'd been in situations where someone tried killing him in most horrible ways before. "By nightfall a pack of hyenas approached."
The anger in Hanji's eyes was gone immediately. In its place rose pure horror. Even Levi's mask crumbled away.
Hanji took a hesitating step towards him. "Don't tell me..."
His lip wouldn't stop trembling. Tears were flowing freely again. "After some time they'd bitten enough off that I could tear through the rest."
A part of him suddenly wished for the old Hanji, the crazy scientist to take over. Wanted her to gleefully ask about the way it felt or how quickly the wounds healed. Not because he wanted to tell her, but because then his suffering at least wouldn't have been for naught.
"I managed to get free and ran. The horse was still there. Guess there must have been a lot of adrenaline involved. I managed to jump up and we... we fled. You found us a few hours later."
"That was on the battlefield?", Levi inquired gently.
"Yeah."
Humanity's strongest looked down, his eyes tracing the lines on the floor. "You had a lot of dirt sticking to you", he stated suddenly. "Dirt and branches. Everywhere. Even in the healed wounds. Doc had to partially cut you up again to take everything out." The man looked up again, his gaze piercing through Armin's eyes. "You got caught again, didn't you? Some of the stuff he had to clean couldn't be found in an open field."
Armin whimpered.
There was no way, no way he'd retell everything, not so soon, not when it had all been so horrible.
Another hand clamped down on his shoulder. Hanji rubbed a soothing circle on his back. "It's okay. We can imagine the rest." Levi looked like he wanted to protest, but Hanji silenced him with a sharp look. "Levi, get the brats. Before they take apart the whole barracks." As an afterthought she added "Anymore than it already is."
"The... barracks?"
Levi gave an unamused snort. "Your friends were a little upset when there wasn't a full search and rescue troop assembled and ready to roll when you were five minutes late."
"Nothing got too badly damaged. Except for some egos." Hanji made a shooing motion at Levi. "Off with you already!"
Being left alone with Hanji made Armin more uncomfortable than he could ever fit into words. He knew as well as everyone else that his had been a mission to decide his worth. He'd failed spectacularly.
"Commander Hanji, I'm-"
"If you say sorry I'll cut your head off myself."
To his surprise the threat didn't scare him. After the last hours he doubted any words or death threats could ever scare him again. He'd lived through hell yet another time.
Hanji sat by his side, unnaturally still. Her hands were folded together, her fingers completely white from the pressure she put them under. It seemed like an eternity before she spoke up. "This is not your fault. If anyone is to blame it's me."
"How-" The tightening of her shoulders silenced him immediately.
"We found out there was going to be an ambush. I should have gathered a troop the second I knew you were going to get attacked."
They'd known. They'd known. The phrase repeated in Armin's head a dozen times over. "Why?" Why didn't you. How could you. They could have been saved.
Hanji had never looked so frail before. The way her head hung down spoke volumes about the accusations her own mind threw at her.
"I trusted you", Hanji said slowly.
I trusted you. I'm sorry. Armin's whole world shattered around him at once. "I-"
"I should have listened to my instincts, sent out a troop right away."
"Hanji, please, I- I..." His voice broke. Hanji apologized for trusting him.
Her hands grip became even tighter. "I should have known." I should have known you would fail.
Armin couldn't make a sound. He'd known there was no way he and Hanji would ever be able to work together after everything that happened. Not after he'd killed Erwin. Not after she'd given him this chance. He'd burnt his only chance.
"I wasn't good enough."
Hanji's hands fell to her sides. She stood abruptly, stalking over to the door with long, hasty steps. She visibly forced herself to stand before it. When she turned back there were tears in her eyes. "You were."
He almost couldn't deal with the pain in her eyes, but he had to. After everything... he had to.
Her voice sounded choked. "We found out about the assault after it started. We couldn't have helped. I thought... I thought you'd be able to deal with it. You always were before." Closing her eyes she let her hand rest over the door's handle. "I didn't dare thinking about what might happen if you lost. I forbade everyone who'd known about it to talk. I believed you were going to pull through."
"And I failed."
She hesitated. "You did. But any of us would have. If it really was such a large scale attack there was nothing any of us could have done."
Armin shook his head, wishing he could just stop crying for once. He must have looked pathetic. "Commander Smith would have-"
"Erwin probably would have transformed sooner, killing all his comrades in the process. And the single, remaining horse. He would have been stuck in the middle of nowhere and would have been eaten alive. Slowly. Suffering. But he wouldn't have gotten away. He would have died and we would have lost the Colossal Titan."
Slowly. Suffering. Oh, how right she was about that. "But if you didn't know until after... What are you apologizing for? You couldn't have saved anyone."
Hanji looked away. "We could have found you hours earlier. Not before the night arrived, but... perhaps in time to ease your suffering."
She left the room before he could answer.
xXx
Eren collided with yet another person when he shot around the corner. The curses the received were enough to make even the most hardened soldiers blush. This time he didn't even yell out an apology.
The second he'd been told they were allowed to see Armin he'd hit the ground running, only to be caught by the too pale Levi.
He'd ordered the rest to wait, taking Mikasa and Eren outside, slowly leading them to the
"You should know something before you go in there."
The horror at Levi's quiet words had been enough to make the step-siblings freeze. He didn't tell them much, but combined with the way their friend had looked... it was too much to bear. His brain immediately filled in the blanks. Reminded him it had been a whole 30 hours before they'd been able to find his friend.
A lot could happen in 30 hours.
xXx
Armin looked dead.
Except it wasn't his face, though the lack of color and movement would have been enough to have Eren run for him immediately under different circumstances.
As it was he found himself slowly drawing closer.
It was the eyes, he figured as Armin slowly turned his head to face him.
Armin's eyes always sprinkled with life and excitement.
Now they were hollow.
Mikasa pushed past him, sitting down at their friend's bedside. She didn't speak, simply sitting with him, a hand on his shoulder.
It was a tenderness she reserved for Armin only.
Eren got a similar kind of touch, sometimes, but this was different. Armin had always been the ray of sunshine in their life, drawing them out and making them enjoy everything.
If the light grew dim...
He took a deep breath and stepped closer. "You can't believe how glad I am to see you alive."
Armin didn't answer, blinking at him slowly before sitting up. "It's okay", he said after a long pause. "It's already healing up."
"It's not okay", Mikasa stated, voice devoid of any emotion.
The blond looked away, his face twisted into a tight grimace of pain. "You didn't have to come here", he told them, voice quavering slightly at the edge. "It's fine now. It's over."
It was harsh and unfair, but it was the only thing Eren could think of that would get through to Armin. Not that he really thought his friend would care for a repeat, but better safe than sorry. He let all barriers drop around his voice. The way he sounded, scared and young, made him flinch back himself. "Don't ever do that to us again."
Armin's whole form shook with repressed pain. "I didn't... I..." he trailed off, his eyes becoming much darker.
Luckily Mikasa was there. Hugging Armin carefully she whispered in his ear "What Eren is trying to say is he was scared. We were scared. When you didn't return we thought we lost you. Again." Even she couldn't hide the agony in her voice.
The blond nodded slowly. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't be, okay? There was nothing you could do", Eren almost pleaded.
"Knowing and accepting that are two different things." Armin leaned into the embrace, cherishing the warmth. "How much did Levi tell you?"
Eren bit down on his tongue. The injury needed only a moment to heal, but at least he'd stopped himself from throwing his friend even further down into the pit of despair. "He was vague about it. Said you got pinned in the attack and... hyenas. Said you couldn't get away. That you hurt yourself to escape."
The boy nodded slowly. He seemed so much older all at once. "That's pretty much all I told him. I... wasn't really ready to talk."
"But will you?", Mikasa asked almost inaudible.
Armin thought about it for a moment before shrugging. "I'm not sure", he confessed. "I know I'll have to talk with someone or it'll-" He pulled away, looking somewhere between traumatized and morbidly amused. "I was just going to say it'll eat me alive. Bad choice of words."
"Kinda", Eren offered. "But you'll be okay?"
"I'll surely never tell you about how cool hyenas are again. At least not about the spotted kind. Got enough of those to last a few lifetimes now."
Eren nodded gravely. He knew it would take a lot of time to heal from the wounds Armin had received during the last 30 hours. He was glad the physical healing at least wouldn't pose a problem.
"I almost feel bad for them about one thing", Armin whispered softly. His mouth was set in a tight grin, his eyes suddenly crazed. "They spent so much time and energy chasing me. And all the flesh they ripped off..." He actually started laughing at that. A manic, explosive laugh, one that made Eren's hairs stand to no end. "Everything they ate would have disintegrated!"
Eren almost sobbed at that. He leaned down, taking his friend's shaking body in his arms, holding him close. Eventually the broken, hysterical laugh turned to wails of terror. He'd lost complete track of the time until Armin's screams died down to helpless sobs.
Mikasa was rubbing Armin's back, her face pulled tight in an effort not to look weak.
Under normal circumstances Armin would have gently chided her for that. "There's nothing wrong with crying every now and then, Mikasa"I, he'd have said with that puppy smile. "It's better to let your pain out every now and then, okay? You're just as human as the rest of us. Don't force yourself to deal with that all alone."
Except Armin had been all alone, caught in a never ending nightmare, waiting for someone to come and rescue him. They'd failed him.
A soft knock by the door interrupted his train of thoughts. He was in the mood to ignore it, but the door was opened before he could even guess who was outside.
It was their friends. Connie, Sasha and Jean stood outside, all looking nervous beyond belief.
"Uh, hey", Jean said softly. His eyes tracked the three childhood friends, the dark haired soldiers embracing their hurt comrade like they were never letting go again. "We wanted to see... Well, you know. How is he?"
"How would you be?", Eren found himself biting back. He wasn't even surprised to notice it lacked its usual force completely.
Jean came closer slowly, their other friends trailing behind awkwardly. "I'd have turned around and died."
"I tried", Armin whimpered. The room became deathly still.
Armin didn't move. His voice was low, almost too low to make out. "I didn't see how I was going to get out and I... I tried. I really tried. I just... couldn't move enough."
Eren didn't know what to say. Here was his best friend, who they'd finally managed to bring home safely, telling him he'd tried to make a pack of hyenas kill him. Telling him the hell he went through had been bad enough to make him...
A cynical part of him reminded the rest that Armin had never really seemed to value his own life. But it didn't matter now, because Armin was alive, had been tortured beyond belief, and they hadn't been there to help. They'd abandoned him.
Sasha knelt down on the bed next to Mikasa, a tray of food in her hands. "I made the cook give me some", she explained softly. "You look like you can use it."
Armin's eyes lit up at the thought of food. He thanked Sasha profusely, earning himself another hug in the process. "I wanted to make the cook take out the meat, but then I thought you could really use it. I hope that's okay?"
From the way Armin suddenly blanched Eren realized he hadn't even thought of that. He threw a murderous glance at Sasha. She stared back at him like a deer that had just noticed it was being stalked by a hunter – or by a hyena.
Armin stared at the meat for a moment before his complexion returned back to normal. "It's fine", he offered. Then his face scrunched up in confusion. "The cook was willing to give me meat?"
Connie clasped a hand down on Armin's shoulder. "Yep! He said you deserved it. Oh, and he says to take it easy with the eating, okay? Don't overdo it."
Taking up the spoon Armin pulled a can of soup closer. "Yeah. Wouldn't want to rip my stomach open again."
Looking up at the sudden silence he shook his head slowly. "I'll get there", he promised. "I honestly only want to go back to normal as soon as possible." His face grew red. "I... might scream your ears off the next few nights though."
"Not like we haven't done the same before", Jean soothed his friend. "It's going to be fine."
xXx
In the end Armin had eaten his meal and fallen asleep immediately after.
His comrades hadn't been ready to leave yet, so they'd settled around the room, taking comfort in their friend's breathing.
"How did you know about the whole... food thing?", Mikasa inquired some hours into the impromptu sleepover.
Jean sighed heavily. "It's all over the place since the second part of the recon team came back, but you were too busy hovering around the doc's to hear. They found the rest of the squad, all killed. By one of the rocks they found a broken spear, sticking in at an odd angle, as if it had nailed someone down. Pieces of fabric all around. No blood though. We could guess pretty easily what that meant."
"You think he's really going to be okay?" Connie looked incredibly sad as he looked over to their sleeping friend.
"Of course", Eren found himself saying. "He's Armin. He'll be back to his old self in time."
"You've never seen a pack of hyenas hunt, have you?" Sasha looked more than uncomfortable. "It's not pretty. There were a few of them left inside the walls when I was young. They don't only bite their victims. They tear and slash and-"
Connie clamped a hand around her mouth. "We get the picture."
"No, I don't think we do." Jean had pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them. He looked so much younger than usual. "I don't think we ever can. Let's just... be there for him. He'll need us. All of us."
A tiny part of Eren wanted to explode at his fellow recruit, tell him Armin only needed him and Mikasa. But that wasn't true. "You're right." He could see his own state of mind mirrored in Jean's face, the pull of keeping to their usual habits so strong, but neither of them quite willing to start something just for the sake of falling back into their routine of banter. There would be enough time for that later.
Slowly Eren stood up and walked over to his friend. He looked peaceful while he slept, but there was a slight edge to his face that hadn't been there months prior. It had appeared shortly after the retaking of Wall Maria and gotten darker since then. Now, it was a prominent feature even in his sleep.
Tugging at the blankets softly Eren slipped into the bed next to his friend, throwing the fabric over their bodies. He curled around Armin's body just enough to make him feel safe, leaving enough space to avoid making him feel trapped.
A light snicker found its way to his ear. "Keep it clean over there!", Connie called mirthfully.
Eren found a grin taking over his features. "What, you jealous? Bet you've never been in bed with a hot blond before."
Connie started sputtering at that. Jean gave Eren a malcontent glare – he'd done that for a while, Eren noticed, ever since that time with the body doubles, whenever anybody came too close to Armin physically. Had seeing Armin cross-dressed caused an infatuation with their resident horse?
Sasha was merely rolling her eyes at the boys, nibbling at a piece of bread while watching them.
Mikasa stood as well and came over. She didn't lie down with the boys, but she settled at the foot end of the bed, keeping watch over her two charges. Eren found himself glancing at her thankfully. She smiled back ever so slightly.
Sitting together like this it was easy to pretend it was just a normal day in Shiganshina, six or seven years prior. When he closed his eyes he could almost see it. The three of them lying in the bed in Eren's room, Armin sleeping in like he did so rarely. Mikasa and Eren smiling down on him, letting him enjoy a few more hours of blissful sleep. When Armin would wake up he'd chide them for not waking him up, they could have done so much more, had much more fun. In the end they'd always tell him he had looked like a sleepy little puppy to which he would only laugh and drag them off into some adventure or another.
It wouldn't be like that this time. But they'd get back.
In his arms Armin made a soft sound, one Eren immediately recognized. Pulling his friend closer he brought his mouth to his ear. "It's okay, Armin. We've got you. Just sleep, alright? We're here."
And Armin stilled, twisting in his sleep until he faced Eren, his arms grasping at Eren's shirt like he'd always done. And as always Eren couldn't help but sneeze softly as Armin's hairs tickled his nose.
A soft round of giggling cam from their comrades, but he couldn't mind it. Armin was back, Armin was safe. That was all that counted for the moment. They'd deal with the rest.
Perhaps he should add hyenas to his plan of who he wanted to kill though.