A/N: trigger warning - eating disorder.
Glee: Season 1 Episode 7 - Throwdown
Chapter Two
As Glee Club comes to an end I softy poke Brittany in the side, waking her up. She lifts her head to look at me. "What did I miss?" she asks all groggy from her nap. I let out a soft chuckle at the blonde.
"Nothing" I shrug "Mr. Shue, didn't even know you were asleep" She keeps her arm linked around mine as we stand to leave the choir room along with Quinn.
We walk along the corridor towards the field when Puck pushes past us. "I'll be back in a minute" I say to the two blondes, my eyes fixed on Puck. I remove my arm from Britts as Quinn stands in front of me, breaking my gaze on Puck. I try to look around her to see where he goes.
"Santana" Quinn says gaining my full attention. There is an air of seriousness in her voice.
"What?" I snap.
"Just…be careful" she replies softly. "There's more to life than guys" she shrugs. I shake my head and tut in response as I walk past her. Like she can talk, I'm not the one with a bun in the oven. Anyway, I know there's more to life than guys, but right now, in this moment, I need Puck. I need him before the guilt takes over me completely.
I run up to Puck catching him before he leaves the building. "Hey Puckerman" I say in my best flirtatious tone. "You doing anything tonight?" I bat my eyes at him. He looks down at me and smiles.
"I know what I want to be doing tonight" he flirts back. I internally gip but let out a soft chuckle, as I grab his hand in mine and swing it softly. I lean up onto my tiptoes and press my lips to his ear...
"Santana" I hear my name reverberate down the corridor, cutting me off before I can say what I wanted to Puck. "My office now"
I roll my eyes as I slowly let go of Pucks hand. "To be continued…tonight?" I say kissing him on the cheek as I turn to leave. He nods in response. I roll my eyes and fold my arms across my chest and walk down the corridor towards Coach Sylvester's office. I see my Cheerios coach stood outside the door, Brittany and Quinn next to her.
"In" Coach Sylvester orders as I reach the group.
"I want to pit these kids against one another, am I clear?" Coach Sylvester states. The three of us nod in agreement. "Quinn, update. Go" she points to the blonde sat in the middle.
"The minority students don't feel like they're being heard" she says to Coach Sue. I look down and purse my lips together, holding my tongue. Did Quinn just seriously just speak for 'the minority students' when I'm legitimately sat right next to her. She does realise I'm Hispanic right? The minority students don't feel like they're being heard, so let's have the pretty blonde cheerleader speak for us like I'm not even in the room. She has absolutely no idea what it's like to be a minority.
"Hmm, a chink in the armour, huh?" Coach Sue replies. "I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years" I keep looking at Coach Sue tilting my head slightly, looking like I'm taking in her every word, but really, like usual, I've no idea what she's rambling on about. "You know why I did that?" She pauses momentarily as nobody answers, "Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs" Confused, I look at Brittany out of the corner of my eye as Quinn nods at Coach Sylvester.
I spent the rest of the school day trying my hardest to push the guilt that I was feeling deep down inside of me, but it was proving difficult. In every class of the day, I found my eyes drawn to a certain blonde as my mind played Saturday evening on repeat. I don't know exactly how many times she caught me staring throughout the day, but I do know I was caught out a few times as she would smile when our eyes met and the guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach would immediately intensity.
When the final bell of the school day rings, I jump up out of my seat and sprint down the corridor and out the building towards my car without saying goodbye to Quinn and Brittany. I unlock my car as soon as I am within reach and jump into the driver's seat slamming the door closed behind me. "Arghhh" I scream stomping my feet on the ground, desperately trying to shout the guilt away. It doesn't work. I throw my head forward towards my steering wheel, accidently pressing the horn as I do so. I shoot back up to an upright position at the unexpected noise. I shut my eyes desperately trying to compartmentalise my thoughts. Shit, get it together Lopez I tell myself.
"San" I hear a light tap on my window. My eyes shoot open, and I look out of the corner of them to see two blondes looking at me. I look away again "Are you okay?" Quinn asks. I sigh and roll down my window, plastering a fake smile on my face as I do so.
"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" I ask.
"We've never seen you run out of class so fast before" Brittany replies softy, putting her hand on top of mine on the steering wheel. I quickly pull my hand away at the slightest contact.
"Oh yeah. Just, erm…family stuff" I lie looking out of the passenger side window. "I, I gotta go" I say turning to key in the ignition and pulling out of the parking lot, leaving both Quinn and Brittany standing confused in my rear-view mirror. I keep my gaze firmly on Brittany until she can no longer be seen. I shakily breathe out. "Fuck"
/
That evening I find myself back in Puck's bedroom, something that is becoming an all to regular occurrence. I take a deep breath and try to push the lingering thoughts of Brittany as far down as I possibly can.
"Beer?" Puck asks, holding out a bottle for me. I'm too busy staring at my hands, picking at a hangnail to realise he's even talking. He sits down on the bed next to me and slowly puts his hand on my shoulder. The slight contact makes me jump and brings me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay?" he asks pulling his hand away and looking into my eyes. I turn my head slightly, I hate eye contact, and reply.
"Yeah. Yeah, course" I let out a small smile and take the beer from his outstretched hand. I pause for a moment, deciding on if I should drink or not. I think back to the last time I properly drunk. It was the night of Jason's party. Memories of that night come flooding into my mind, memories of Brittany, of our first kiss (not that I really want that kiss to count as our first). The guilt I'm feeling again increases until it reaches a new maximum. Unable to truly comprehend what I'm feeling right now I bring the bottle to my lips and begin to chug.
"Woah, Santana. Slow down" Puck chuckles, guiding my bottle away from my mouth "Rough day at the office?" I just shrug in response, looking at the now half empty bottle in my hands. I swirl the contents around it before bringing it back up to my lips. The best thing about Puck is that he knows and understands that I don't like to talk about feelings. I like comfortable silence, and after months and months of sleeping together and it being nothing more, we have managed to achieve this holy grail. Sensing from my cold response that I don't want to continue the conversation, he drops it, and we drink in silence.
"So, we gonna do this or what?" Puck asks as he puts his empty bottle on the floor by the side of his bed.
"Oh, wow Puckerman, you know exactly how to make a girl feel special" I reply sarcastically, rolling my eyes. The truth is no I don't want to do this, but I know I have to. I straddle his hips as he lays down on the bed. I slowly lean down, closing my eyes as I do. As soon as my lids shut, a certain blonde figure pops into my mind. My body shoots straight back up and my eyes widen.
"What's wrong?" Puck asks groping my ass as he does. His voice sounds sincere like he cares, but his actions say otherwise. I know he just wants to get lucky. I take a deep breath.
"Nothing" I say plastering a fake smile on my face. I run my fingers through his mohawk as he smiles up at me. I lean back down, closing my eyes again. Let's just get this over with I tell myself, pushing Brittany out of my mind momentarily.
/
My mind races as I drive down the street and towards my house. The good news is that the guilt I felt about kissing Brittany has now gone after my alone time with Puck. The bad news is it has been replaced with a whole new and possibly worse sense of guilt. The truth is the whole time I was with Puck I couldn't fully get Brittany out of my mind. Every time we kissed, every time we touched this new wave of guilt came, but I don't understand why. It's not like we're together or anything, so why do I feel like I'm cheating on her. Why do I feel so fucking guilty for sleeping with Puck? I need to do something about this guilt before it eats me up inside. Sleeping with Puck nullified the original guilt but sleeping with him or any other guys won't help now. I turn right at the intersection and my eyes are lit up by the iconic golden arches. Then it hits me. I did a bad thing, I need to punish myself.
I make a right and turn into the parking lot. I turn to look in my backseat to find my backpack. I move a couple of bottles and granola bar wrappers out of the way and pull it into the front with me, throwing it onto the passenger seat. I then join the drive-thru queue. "I'll have three Big Mac's, twenty nuggets a large fries and a bottle of water" I make my order then drive round to the next window. I pay for my food and wait for the spotty, teen to hand me my order.
"That's a lot of food for one person" he says handing me the bag.
"What's it to you?" I snarl back driving off. I circle around the block before parking in the parking lot.
As soon as I park my car, I pull out the first of the three burgers and devour it with ease. I grab a handful of fries, dip them in some ketchup and shove them into my mouth. I continue to alternate between burger, fries and nuggets until the whole lot has gone. I look down to my stomach and see a bulge start to form. I throw the empty bag into the backseat and start to drive home. I'm nearly home when I remember that both my parents are home tonight. Shit, I can't use the bathroom at my house, what am I going to do. I feel my heartrate start to increase as I start to panic. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. I'm only a couple of blocks away from my house as I pass the park. The Park, that's it. I turn into the parking lot and drive to an empty space near some bushes. I look around before getting out, mine is the only car there and the only noise is that of the owls in the distance. I nod my head; this will have to do. I reach back into my car and grab the bottle of water and a jacket, before heading into the bushes.
After finding an appropriate spot I lay my jacket on the floor and kneel down and take a deep breath regulating my heartrate. I let the self-hatred I feel right now boil up to its absolute maximum, allowing the voice in my head to take over and when I can't take it no more, I take my two fingers and push them to the back of my throat. Knowing that I'm in a public place I fight back the tears forming in the corner of my eyes and continue, alternating between puking and taking sips of water to sooth my throat. I shut my eyes tightly desperately trying to not let any sobs escape, I can't risk anybody hearing me and coming over. As a last resort to stop the now free-falling tears, I start to dig the nails of my free hand into my thigh. It works as my mind starts to focus on the short, sharp, stings in my leg and not the burning sensation in my throat. After I've thrown up everything I can I look down to my stomach and see that the bulge has disappeared. I let out a big sigh of relief. My eyes then move down to my thigh. I see the five small cuts placed on the top. I stroke my fingers over them, feeling them slight groves of the scratches, finding it oddly comforting. Using my hands as leverage I slowly stand up, making sure to not do it too quickly, I really don't need a dizzy spell right now. I flatten out my Cheerios skirt and pick up the jacket. Throwing my jacket over my shoulder I look back to my thigh, a couple of the marks are not covered by my skirt. Shit. I need to make sure nobody sees them. Coach Sylvester will flip if she notices them. Her Cheerios need to look perfect at all times.
Once home I make my way up to my bedroom ignoring my parents' greetings and gestures to come and sit with them. I grumble an apology in response and begin to climb the stairs. The last thing I want to talk about is my shit show off a day. I collapse into on to my bed and shut my eyes, letting out a huge sigh as I do so. I lie in the silence for about ten minutes, my arms crossed over my eyes, trying to straighten out my thoughts and understand what I'm feeling. All I can think about is Brittany. Every time I shut my eyes, there she is. With that big, beautiful smile of hers and that twinkle in her eye that I hope she reserves only for me. I think about how much she loves life and how the smallest thing like a butterfly landing on the back of her hand or finding extra fries in her meal can make her day. I think about how she makes me want to be a better person, not for me but for her. About how I would do anything to keep that smile on her face for an eternity just in the hope that one day that I could be the reason for it. I push the palm of my hands hard into my eye sockets trying to rid my mind of Brittany and groan loudly. Fuck. I need to find a way to push these thoughts deep down and quick.
I make my way to the bathroom to get ready for bed, hoping that a solution will come to me as I sleep. After brushing my teeth, I open the cupboard for some makeup wipes when a box falls out onto the counter in front of me. I pick up the box. Vitamin D tablets. I didn't even know they were in there. I turn the box in my hands chewing on my lip as I think. Taking a Vitamin D tablet right now would solve my problem, it makes all the thoughts go away. But I promised Brittany I wouldn't. But I can't clear my mind of Brittany without them. But can I lie to Brittany. But it's not a lie, not really, the effects would wear off before school tomorrow so she wouldn't even know. But if I take one now, I won't be able to sleep, but I haven't been able to sleep for months anyway, not without Brittany next to me. No. Yes. No. Yes. Yes, I'm going to do it. Even though I know I'm the only one in the room I still quickly dart my eyes around to make sure I'm alone. I fill the nearby glass with water then pop the tablet in my mouth, washing it down. Well, it's done now I tell myself, locking my bedroom before making my way to sit on my bed. Leaning down, I pull out a stack of overdue homework that I've been meaning to do. If I'm not going to sleep, I may as well be productive I tell myself as the tablets start to kick in. I open my Geometry book reading the first question as for the first time today my mind is completely clear, all traces of the blonde gone.
/
"Ladies Choice. Heads" Coach Sylvester calls, stood in the middle of the choir room with Mr. Schuester, flipping a coin in the air as she does. Mr. Schue catches the coin, places it on the back of his hand and reveals what it landed on.
"Heads" he announces with displeasure.
"Awesome. All right, the following students have been selected for a special, elite Glee Club called 'Sue's Kids'"
"Hold on. We agreed not to split up the group" Mr. Schuester interjects.
"Oh, come on, Will. Give me a chance to do things Sue Sylvester's way. Maybe with my proven leadership abilities, I can help this pathetic group of mouth breathers place at Sectionals" As the two teachers start to disagree between themselves, the rest of the Glee Club sits in stunned silence. Unsure on whether to stop the inevitable upcoming argument or not.
"We can't even compete in Sectionals if we divide up the club, Sue. It's against the rules"
"Really? You need to crack open a book, William" Coach Sue replies throwing a book to Mr, Shue who catches it in his hands "Here, I have. Show Choir Rule Book, page 24. Provision 14, second addendum" she turns to the Glee Club and smiles. Judging by the look of that smile, Coach Sue definitely has a plan and Mr. Shue is not going to like it. "Twelve members must perform for each team. However, not all members must perform every song" Mr. Schuester snaps the book shut in annoyance after reading that Coach Sylvester is right. He slides the book across the top of the piano and throws his arms in the air in defeat.
"Fine. Just go ahead, take all the football players and your Cheerios" the emotion now evident in his voice.
"All right, everybody, listen up. When you hear your name called, cross over to my side of this black shiny thing."
"That's called a piano, Sue"
"Santana" she calls. I look towards Brittany and smile. Of course, she chose me first. Coach Sue may be an awful person, but at least she can recognise natural talent when she sees it. "Wheels. Gay kid. Come on. Move it" she adds, snapping her fingers. I stand from my seat and make my way over to Coach Sylvester. She continues her rollcall "Asian. Other Asian. Aretha. And Shaft" taking off her glasses she turns to face Mr. Schuester "See, Will I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students"
"You have got to be kidding me" Mr. Schuester quickly rises from his chair, the anger inside him evidently growing.
"Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter"
"And that's how Sue sees it" I add smiling, making a C with my right hand.
"Outstanding" Coach Sylvester praises, turning to face me.
A/N: Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter and I'll be back next Friday with another update for you - which may or may not include some much needed Maribel ;)