A/N: Sorry for the late update guys (it's technically Wednesday in the UK, by bad). July has hit me much harder than I anticipated and found it really hard to write about Santana without thinking (and getting emotional) about Naya, so apologies for that. if anybody is going through the same and want someone to talk to my PM's are always open as are my Insta DM's. I know it's hard but remember you're not alone, we can get through this tough time together.

So, please take that into consideration when reading. It may not be my best chapter, but hopefully it ticks some boxes. I'll be back on it next week I promise!

*TW - self harm (last chapter)*

Glee: Season 1 Episode 7 - Throwdown

Chapter Three

"I'm ki-kind of nervous" Tina stutters as we wait for the arrival of Coach Sylvester to the choir room.

"I debated not even showing up" Artie adds.

"Well, I think it's gonna be great" Mercedes smiles. "Did you catch Sue's corner last night?" I zone back into the conversation at the mention of Sue's Corner, rolling my eyes as Mercedes tells the group what happened. I mean surely people aren't taking what she says on that seriously. She's not a minority and she's only going through all this to annoy Mr. Shue, she doesn't care about Glee Club or us. Trust me that woman only cares about herself.

"Hey, kids, I brought some of my brass buddies with me" Sue announces as she walks into the choir room. "Thought maybe they could help us out a little bit. Okay, so I selected a song that I think will speak to the frustration you felt under the failed leadership of Will Schuester" Sue begins to hand out the sheet music starting with Artie.

"'Hate on Me,' an R&B song?" Mercedes says happily ready the top of the page. The group cheers at the news, finally something cool, the only thing that could make this better is if Berry was here, so I could see the the look on her face.

"You like that?" Sue asks smiling at our reaction. "Changster, I want to see some of that pop-and-lock groove you're so famous for. You go to town" She then turns and points at Mercedes. "And you, Mercedes, want to see some Mariah hands"

"I can do that" she laughs in response.

"I think we g-g-got this one, Miss Sylvester"

"All right, w-we'll see. Hit it" Sue replies turning away as the band starts to play.

Wow, so that was actually fun. Maybe I was wrong about Sue. She may be a horrible person when in charge of the Cheerios, but I think I preferred her Glee Club session to Mr. Shue's. If only Brittany was here to dance with, it would have been perfect. And who knew that Matt could dance like that, that boys got some serious moves.

"See I told you there was nothing to worry about" Mercedes smiles as we all leave the choir room and head towards the cafeteria. "Sue gets us"

"Y-you-re right" Tina agrees.

"Agreed. I do wish the others were with us though" Lady Hummel adds.

"Well, I don't" I dispute, crossing my arms across my chest as we sit down. "I for one am fed up with Frankenteen and Man hands hogging all the solos" I turn to face Mercedes as I feel everybody stare at me. "You're a much better singer than Berry. And who knew that the guys could move like that. Nobody, that's who. I like having Sue as co-director" I shrug, grabbing a protein shake from my backpack.

"What about Brittany?" Kurt asks raising his eyebrows at me.

"Well obviously I want Britt to join us" I glare at Lady Hummel. "That's a given. We're a package deal, it's just not right for us to be separated"

"It's true. I think this is the first time ever I've not seen you two together" Mercedes laughs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I cut her off standing up defensively. "Me and Britt are just friends. Nothing more"

"I-I know" Mercedes replies confused as she looks to the rest of the group. "I wasn't saying…"

"Yeah well. You should be more careful with what you say. I'm not Lady Hummel, okay?" I scowl at Mercedes, before turning and leaving. "Losers" I grumble under my breath as I do.

Just as I'm about to leave the cafeteria, I spot 'the popular table'. I quickly scan it to see who sat there when Matt catches my eye. Matt, I think to myself. He's a guy, a good lucking guy. I'm not obsessed with Brittany. I'll show Wheezy. I make my way to the table and see the spot next to Matt taken by another Cheerio. I gesture my hand for her to move, she takes one look at me then does without argument.

"Hey Matt" I say sitting down. "Awesome moves earlier. I didn't know you could dance like that"

"Oh, thanks Santana. You were pretty fly too"

"I'm not as good as you" I say stroking his ego, putting my hand on top of his "But erm, maybe you could teach me"

"Yeah, for sure" he replies as he shuffles nervously in his seat.

"Tonight. Your place?" I say standing up, looking over his shoulder towards Mercedes and see her looking in my direction. Time to seal the deal I think to myself, kissing Matt on the cheek as I turn to leave.

"Yeah, yeah. Cool" I hear Matt saying as the rest of the group at the table jump on and congratulate him. I strut out of the room, knowing the Glee Club saw our conversation. I've got myself a date with Matt, but I'd rather dance with Brittany. My stomach sinks.

/

My exchange with Mercedes constantly replays in my mind for the rest of the day and as I make my way upstairs to get ready for my date with Matt it still lingers. Who does she think she is, calling me out like that? I even gave her a compliment. She's wrong anyway. I'm not always with Brittany, I'm not with her right now or at all tonight. Sure, she's busy visiting her grandparents, but that's not the point. That's how rumours start and anyway I'm not gay. I mean do I like to kiss Brittany, sure, but only because her lips are soft and she smells nice, not because she's a girl. It not my fault that boys are all sweaty with rough lips. I finish getting ready, my body on autopilot, and it's only when I notice the time on my cell that I'm pulled out of my thoughts. 9:14pm. Oh shit, I was meant to be at Matt's at eight. I quickly grab my backpack, throwing my cell in the top and jog down the stairs.

"Bye mami, I'm going out" I yell as I open the front door.

"Santana, wait" I hear my mother shout back from the kitchen. I stop in my tracks and roll my eyes as I see her come into the hallway. "Where are you going? I want to talk to you"

"Just to a friends house" I replay quickly, shuffling slowly further out of the door.

"At 9pm? Dressed like that? On a school night?" she shakes her head. "I don't think so mija" I look down at my outfit and see the scars from the other night peeking out below my skirt. I pull it down slightly, praying that my mother didn't notice them.

"We're just studying" I say avoiding her gaze.

"Santana. I was once I teenage girl" she says, folding her arms and chuckling softly. "We don't dress like that just to study. Come" she says gesturing towards the family room. I sigh, admitting defeat and softly close the front door.

'Sorry. Got stuck at home. Tomorrow?' I quickly message Matt as I follow my mother into the room.

/

"Sit" my mother says softy, patting the empty spot next to her. I do. "I'm worried about you mija"

"Why?" I ask, shuffling in the seat, adjusting my position to make sure my scars don't show.

"You've been absent recently. We don't talk anymore. I only ever see the back of you as your rushing off to see that boy" she takes my hands and looks lovingly into my eyes. What boy, does she mean Puck. I haven't told her about Puck, shit, if she knows about him, what else does she know? Does she know about Brittany? I start to internally panic; I need to do some damage control and quick.

"What boy?" I ask innocently.

"You don't need to lie Santana, your abuela told me" she chuckles "I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. I love you mija and I don't want you to feel like you have to hide anything or anyone" she raises an eyebrow at me. Anyone, does she mean Brittany? Or Puck?

"I know mami"

"So, talk to me" she says "It's been far too long since we had a good, girly gossip" she smiles. I roll my eyes in response, but I feel a happiness in the pit of my stomach that I haven't felt in a long time, apart from when I'm with Brittany. Brittany, the blonde appears back in my mind for the countless time again today. I open my mouth to speak, but no sound comes out. I want to tell her, I really do, but I can't seem to find the words. She notices my struggle to talk, so takes over.

"I'll start" she says taking a sip of wine. "So, who's the guy?" she asks pushing into my shoulder. "It must be serious, if you told abuela"

"Oh no. It's not, not really" I shrug. "It's Puck from the football team"

"So, is that who you're 'study date' was with?"

"Oh, no. That was with Matt. He's also on the football team" Sat here, with my mother my walls have momentarily started to disappear, and I find myself divulging information I would never normally do so. Maybe, she was the person I should have to gone to for advice about Brittany, not my abuelita. I hear her sigh in response.

"Santana. Mija. Two boys" she shakes her head softy; she takes my hands and looks deep past my eyes and into my soul "You're worth so much more than a pointless hook-up with a sweaty jock. You're so beautiful and talented mija, remember that, always. You deserve happiness, and this, what you are doing, is not it. I am your mother I can tell when you're unhappy and recently, you come home so sad" I start to feel a tear form in the corner of my eye at my mother's words. Maybe she's right. She wipes away my tear with her thumb and smiles softly at me.

"What if I'm not" I choke out. My walls have finally fully crumbled, and I can't stop myself from saying exactly what's on my mind.

"Don't you ever say that mija. You deserve all the love in the world, and I know it might not feel like it now, but you will find it. I promise. But you're only young mija, you can't punish yourself for not finding the love of your life at sixteen. It may happen tomorrow; it may be ten years from now, you may have even found it and just not know it yet. But what you're doing, it isn't love. And it isn't fair on you" I close my eyes at my mother's words, to trying to regain some composure. I reopen my eyes as I feel my mother's arms close around my body as she kisses the top of my head. "I don't agree with what you're doing, and I think you should stop, but I'll love you whatever you choose to do, mija, as long as it's your choice. You do know that, don't you?"

"I do" I nod in response, "And I love you too mami" I pause, contemplating my next words "Mami…"

"Yes, mija"

"How do you know if someone likes you? You know like that"

"Well, they want to spend time with you and be around you. They listen to you and are interested in what you have to say. Why do you ask?"

"But my friends do all that, and I'm pretty sure Quinn's not in love with me" I laugh, using Quinn's name as a cover up to the real person I'm referring too.

My mother chuckles at my reaction "But if she was that would be okay" my eyes widen as I jump up at my mother's words.

"Well, she's not. She's having a baby with Finn. And I don't love her either"

"I know. I never said you did, mija"

"Good. Well, it's late and I've got school tomorrow. Night. Mami" I add quickly leaving the room.

/

I make way up to my bedroom my mind focused on my conversation with my mother. Maybe she's right. I do deserve better than Puck, and I don't need to sleep with Matt to prove to Mercedes or anyone that I'm straight. I know I'm straight, Brittany is just a friend, just a bit of fun, it's no different than making out with Puck or anybody else. I stand in front of my bathroom mirror and brush my teeth as my mind continues to wander. And so, what if I don't find true love, it doesn't mean I can't be happy, right? I'm sure there's loads of people who live happy, sexless lives like…erm…the pope, or a nun? Oh god no, I can't be a nun. They wear far too many clothes and that vail would seriously mess up my hair, and I can't have that, my father spends a lot of money on this hair.

I finish brushing my teeth and pick up a glass of water when my thoughts start to turn more sinister. What does your mother know? Nothing that's what. You're not good enough for anything except pointless sex. And what are you going to do when Puck and Matt and all the other guys realise that's all your good for. They'll ditch you; you'll be on your own. Forever alone. A used, unloved shell of a person.

SMASH! I'm jolted back to reality as I see the glass that I was holding in my hand, shattered over the bathroom counter. Shit, I start to pick up the pieces and let out a quiet gasp as a piece cuts my finger. See, I told you your damaged goods. And nobody wants damaged goods. Not Brittany, that's for sure. You can forget kissing her, she won't even want to be your friend when she finds out what you're really like. But who can blame her, who would want to be friends with you?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up". I start to shout squeezing the broken glass in my hand.

"Argh" I look down to my hand and drop the glass on the countertop and run my hand under the tap. The cool water stings in the open wounds, I see the glass on the counter, the sharp edges dressed in crimson. Do it, you're already damaged. There are't enough lies in the world your mami can tell you to change that. I pick the glass back up and look in the mirror. No, I can't do this, there's no way to hide it. I let out a deep breath and turn to leave the bathroom, hitting my hip on the counter as I do so. My hip isn't visible. I turn back and slowly lift up my shirt and pinch the skin, feeling it in my fingers for a few moments. Do it. Do it. Do it. I slowly pick the glass back up and move the sharp edge towards my hip. I gasp as the cold glass makes contact and freeze. I can't do this, can I? I start to deliberate in my mind, going back and forth from yes and no.

"Ow" I yelp softly and look down to see a trickle of blood hit the waistband of my shorts. See that wasn't so bad, was it? Do it again. I give into the voice inside my head and put the glass back to my skin and draw a line downwards. I slowly repeat this a couple more times, the pain becoming oddly soothing the more I repeat the action.

A/N: So there you have it. i hope you enjoyed some more Maribel content. I'll try and be more prepared next time, and I'll be back with you guys next Friday for another update. Don't forget to let me know what you think...