*TW- self harm, mainly in the chapter in italics but loosely referenced throughout*
Glee: Season 1 Episode 7 - Throwdown
Chapter Five
I wake up the following morning with a groan, a thumping headache, and a huge feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I'm still mad at Brittany for her reaction last night, but the more I allow myself to replay what happened in my mind, the feeling quickly changes from anger to a feeling of longing, like somebody has ripped my heart out and thrown it out with the rest of the trash. I look down to the bandage on my hand before quickly ripping it off and examining Brittany's handiwork from last night. I start to rub my thumb over the scab that's slowly starting to form resisting the urge to peel it off. I tightly shut my eyes one final time trying to squeeze away the pounding in my skull before slowly opening them to a flash of bright lights as my eyes adjust to the morning sunlight. It's only when I tiredly pull the covers off my lifeless body that I notice the spots of crimson on my sheet. Unable to recall where the droplets came from, I make my way to the bathroom my body again on autopilot, grabbing my Cheerios uniform off the chair in the corner of my bedroom as I do so.
The hot bursts of water that shoot out of the shower head start to re-energise me as I turn up the heat until I can't stand it anymore. I watch as red blotches start to appear on my skin and it's only then when I finally notice the fresh cut marks on my hip. I start to run my fingers over the raised marks, wincing only when the scolding water hits them. Finally, when the pain becomes too much to handle I step out of the shower, grabbing the first towel I can and stand in front of the bedroom mirror, assessing the damage on my skin. I'm so glad Brittany doesn't know about the cuts on my hip, her finding out about my hand was bad enough. I scan the bedroom and begin to try and piece together what happened last night after I came home from Matt's house. I look on the bathroom counter to see a half empty packet of pills, a pile of blood-stained tissues and a broken glass. I again trace my fingers over my hip, pressing down on the open wounds as memories of my evening start to come flooding back to me…
I make my way to the bathroom and pop the two pills in my mouth en-route. Once in the bathroom I fill a glass with water and take a few sips to wash the pills down. I look in the mirror, but I hardy recognise the person staring back at me. My hair has lost its usual bounce and shine, and my eyes are sunken and hidden behind dark blotches. I drag my hands firmly down my face as I try to remember a time before this, a time when I was happy. I think back to freshman year, back when everything was so much simpler. When all I worried about what how to perfect my round offs. Before I started sleeping with Puck or any other guy and way before I kissed Brittany. Brittany, I grab the nearest towel I can and press it over my mouth, stifling my scream as the blonde enters my mind for one too many times today. I try my hardest to clear my mind of her face as tears start to uncontrollably form in the corner of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I see my blurry reflection through my now tear-filled eyes, and I hate who I see staring back at me. 'If you hate the person in the mirror just imagine what poor Brittany must feel, being stuck with this mess of a person for a best friend. She only pretends to like you because she feels sorry for you, and can you blame her? Just look at you...' My emotion quickly turns to anger as the thoughts in my mind begin to take over. With my eyes tightly clenched shut I grab the first thing I lay my hand on and launch it at the wall as if trying to throw this voice in my head away. I open my eyes as I hear a smashing sound and find the bathroom countertop now flooded with water and broken glass. I pick up one of the larger pieces of glass and hold it up to the light. I momentarily watch the light dance through the glass before looking down and running my fingers over my hip bone. I think back to Brittany's reaction to the cuts on my hand and how she overreacted, as I lift the corner of my shirt and start to reveal the five fresh wounds on my hip from last night. What would she think if she knew about these? I shake my head trying to rid my thoughts of Brittany. You need to get over this Santana, I tell myself. You don't love Brittany, you're not gay, you're straight. I pop a couple more pills to numb the upcoming pain as I slowly make contact, glass on skin, and draw a line for every time Brittany entered my mind that day.
/
"Am I a minority?" I throw my books into my locker and turn to face the blonde at her words. "Only I thought I was an American?"
"What?" I question as I shut my locker. "You were born and raised in Ohio Brittany. You are American". I roll my eyes and chuckle as a smile appears on her face, then wrap my pinkie around hers as we make our way to our first class off the day, US History. I'm so engrossed in our conversation that I don't even see Quinn stood around the corner waiting for us until she speaks.
"Cheerios's practise. After first period. Don't be late" Quinn orders, her arms folded across her chest, a serious tone to her voice. I look to Brittany out of the corner of my eye as Quinn turns on her heels and marches away down the corridor and out of sight. "Don't be late" I joke with Brittany as we fall into each other laughing.
"What's so funny?" I look up to see Puck approach us.
"N-Nothing" I say pulling away from the blonde and clearing my throat, suddenly becoming very aware of just how close Brittany and I were.
"Britt, you ready?" Puck asks, his attention turning to Brittany, who shrugs in agreement. "Later Lopez" Puck adds before leaving.
"Bye San" Britt says softly, quickly capturing my body in hers before turning to follow Puck back off down the corridor.
I cross my arms tightly across my chest and squint my eyes as I watch Puck lead Brittany away. Where are they going that's such a secret? Britt didn't look like she wanted to go with him, should I have stepped in? No, I'm sure she's fine, she's with Puck. I trust him, don't I? I bite down on my bottom lip as I try to suppress the worry that's starting to grow in the pit of my stomach. I lean my back on the wall behind me, close my eyes and start to focus on my breathing. My eyes suddenly shoot open as I come to the realisation that the fact that Brittany is with Puck could ruin everything. What if she tells Puck about our Tuesday nights together? Nobody can know about what happens in Brittany's bedroom when the door is closed, and the curtains are shut, especially not Puck. It's private, just between me and Brittany, nobody else. I need Puck to help restore my equilibrium. I stand up straight and set off down the corridor, on a mission to find Brittany and fast.
I waste the whole of first period wandering the halls of McKinley High looking for Brittany and it's only when the bell goes for second period that I admit defeat and make my way to the field for Cheerios's practise. The mood Quinn was in earlier, I better not be late for practise.
"Hey Quinn" I say slowly as my eyes meet the blondes. "Are you okay?" I ask and am met by a wall of silence as she begins to walk through a cheer routine. I roll my eyes and turn away when I feel a body jump on my back making my wince in pain as a leg wraps around my midsection, pressing down on my hip. I look slightly over my shoulder and can't help but smile as I see a pair of blue eyes twinkle as they make contact with mine.
"First positions" Quinn barks out sending daggers in the direction of me and Brittany. Brittany squeezes me tightly before jumping down, sending a warming sensation throughout my body.
The final session of the day is Glee Club, so I make my way to the auditorium with the rest of 'Sue's Kids'. Now that Puck and Brittany have joined us there only three left on the stage to perform. I stand back and watch Puck and Brittany take their seats in the audience before internally debating where I should sit. Naturally I would sit next to Brittany, but I'm still very aware that Puck saw us together in the hallway earlier in the day and I don't want to arouse any suspicion. I still don't know what Puck and Brittany were doing together earlier, did she tell him about us? The more I think about this morning the more pissed off I become, so I decide to sit at the opposite side to Brittany and stew in my own thoughts.
"We would just like to say that although we find ourselves on opposite sides, we hope you enjoy our number, and we look forward to seeing yours…" Berry starts.
"Get on with it!" Sue barks back cutting her off "Enough with jibba-jabba! Sing something!"
"Sue, you can't talk to kids that way" Mr. Schuester says rolling his eyes at Coach Sylvester's tone. I watch on as Berry looks towards to Finn for what seems to be some sort of reassurance before starting to sing.
"Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air"
"All right, that's it. Come on" Coach Sue interjects for the second time as she starts to stand and encourages the rest of us to do the same. "She had her chance. Everybody up!"
"I'm sorry. Is there a fire?" Finn asks stepping away from his microphone stand.
"No, and that's the point, there is no fire. You know, it's sad enough that my 'Sue's Kids' are living in squalor and probably on food stamps"
"My dad's a dentist" Mercedes says, sounding slightly offended. Sue ignores her comment, opting to continue her speech to Mr. Shue.
"But for you to drag them in here and bore them to death, I won't stand for it" she turns to face the exit. "Come on, kids, out. We're going for conies, my treat"
"All right, that's it!" Mr. Schuester slams his notebook on the floor before standing to meet Sue in what is sure to be a heated exchange. I look around the see the rest of the Glee Club all with the same wide-eyed expressions of on their faces.
"Really?"
"You know what, Sue? You've been pretty honest about your feelings for me, so let me return the favour. You're rude Sue. You have no class, and you are a terrible teacher!"
"I'll have you know I have my PhD"
"You got in online, Sue!"
"You are a failed performer, Will! You weren't good enough to make it in the real world. You're not even good enough to run this stupid little club that nobody cares about. Time after time, Will, you fail!"
"You spend every walking moment of your life figuring out ways to terrify children to try to make you feel better about yourself, and the fact that you're probably gonna spend the rest of your life alone!" Sue pushes Will at his words before screaming back in response.
"How dare you talk to me like that!"
"Don't you even go…!"
"Don't you point your…" The pair continue to spit insults at each other as the rest of us stand there, frozen in utter shock.
"Enough!" Finn finally intervenes as the pair momentarily stop arguing to face him. "I'm sorry Mr. Shue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday"
"I agree, Glee Club is supposed to be fun" Wheezy backs up Frankenteen. "And furthermore, I don't like this minority business. I may be a strong, proud black woman, but I'm a lot more than that. I'm out" Wheezy turns to leave the auditorium.
"M-me, too" Tina agrees, standing up to leave.
"Fellow Glee Clubbers, it would be an honour to show you how a real storm out is done. I encourage you to follow my lead" Berry announces before storming off the stage. I watch on, arms crossed, as the girls leave before, along with the rest of the Glee Club, joining them.
/
"…because you're all minorities. You re in the Glee Club. Now there are only twelve of you, and all you have is each other. So, it doesn't matter that Rachel is Jewish, or that Finn is..."
"Unable to tell my rights for my lefts" Finn interrupts Mr. Shue and is met but a chuckle from the rest of the group.
"Sure. Or that Santana is…" My heart stops are I hear my name, does he know about me and Brittany, oh god, did she tell Mr. Shue! I see the eyes of the rest of the Glee Club clamp on me as I internally panic. "…Latina" I let out an internal sigh of relief at his words. "Or that Quinn is…"
"…pregnant" Coach Sylvester interrupts, as the whole room falls silent. "Sorry, Q. It'll be all over the blogosphere by this afternoon. Now everybody knows…including me" I look out the corner of my eye towards Quinn who looks like she's about to cry, as Sue stands up and leaves the room, quickly followed by Quinn and Finn.
/
The next day in Glee Club I finally get a chance to ask Brittany the question that's being playing on my mind for the past forty-eight hours.
"So, where did you and Puck go to the other day?" I ask tentatively, now unsure if I even want to hear the answer. What if Brittany didn't say anything, but they went and hooked up. I feel my heart sink just at the thought of Brittany and Puck together, I don't know if I could handle my suspicions being confirmed. After what feels like an age, Brittany replies.
"Oh. We went to join Coach Sue's Glee Club" she says continuing to braid and un-braid my pony.
"But you're not really a minority" I explain "you're blonde and beautiful" my heart skips a beat as the last few words slip out before my brain can stop them. My body tenses, hoping that she (and more importantly the rest of the Glee Club, especially Wheezy) didn't hear me. Brittany just chuckles softly in response.
"I know. But I wanted to be in the same Glee Club as you" I feel the heat in my cheeks rise at her words as I try my best to suppress the smile that's starting to form from the edge of my lips. In a last ditch attempt to stop what I'm feeling I quickly poke my finger into my hip, pressing down hard on my unhealed wounds. The contact is enough to send a sharp, shot of pain through my body, causing me to wince, and stopping me from smiling.
"Did I hurt you?" I hear Brittany say a concerned tone to her voice as she lets go of my hair.
"What, no" I say momentarily confused at her words as I spin around on my chair to face her. I wince for a second time as I hit my hip on the hard, plastic corner of the chair.
"San…are you okay?" Brittany asks raising her eyebrows at me. I internally panic and start formulating another lie in my head. I'm just about to reply when Berry burst into the choir room followed by Mr. Schuester with an announcement.
"Mr. Schuester was right, we only have each other, we are the Glee Club, and I consider each and every one of you some of my closest friends" Berry starts taking up the centre of the room. I try to suppress my laughter as Brittany and I pull gagging faces at each other at her words. "So, I think we should be there for Quinn in her time of need, in song of course, and I've found the perfect one" Man hands continues as she hands out sheet music to everybody. I nod my head softly in agreement as I read the song title. Good choice, Berry I think to myself, good choice.
A/N: As I said on my other fic, for you guys that haven't/don't read it, I've had a super busy last three weeks and have had literally no time to write, so sorry for the delay with this chapter. Fingers crossed updates should be more regular now. Please keep your reviews coming, let me know what you think. I really hope this chapter was worth the wait...