Misery loves company
Chapter 11: Deny,Deny,Deny
Hey guys thank you so much for all your support and love on my story it makes me so so happy you have no idea. You guys are incredible and I always look forward to your thoughts on each chapter. We are officially a little more than halfway. I am so excited to show you the ending but you are going to hate me a little before then. Anyways back to the story.
P.S~this can be sensitive for some people
Denial is a useful defense mechanism until it's not.~Rosalind Kaplan
Leonard's pov:
I finally heard the door open as Penny and Raj's laughter filled the room. They came home late as always. I put my gown on and walked to the tv room to see Penny completely wasted again like it was her pattern.
I had enough of this. I had enough of waiting for her to come home worried I would get a call from the hospital saying my wife has alcohol poisoning or something. I hated that I couldn't help her. I hated that I was terrified to speak to her about it. I didn't want to get angry I tried so hard not to get angry. My mom always said to me that you make everything worse by crying and getting mad it is just best to let it go. Save yourself from the embarrassment and drama.
I now thought of Sheldon and what he would say to all of this. No not now. I couldn't. I refused to. Everything was okay. I needed to focus on Penny. I watched her and Raj talking while laughing as she could barely stand straight. Raj looked okay though. I lost it seeing him. Seeing on how much worse he made this for me. He didn't even bother to help her through this he just joined her. I felt the anger course through my veins now replacing the worry I felt. This was going to be bad. I just needed to breathe.
"Where have you been ? I have been worried about you and you didn't want to mention to me that you were out drinking again. " I said sounding more angry than I was meaning to.
"Oh now you are concerned for me. Now you care about me ? " Penny said with so much distaste in her voice.
"Of course I care about you. You are my wife. " I said feeling the concern replace the anger. I couldn't do this tonight not with her like this. Just let it go Leonard," Look you have been drinking so we will talk about this when you are sober. " I said then found myself muttering under my breathe," I wonder how long I have to wait for that day to come."
I turned around to go back to the room now until she spoke again so I faced her.
"No. You say what you mean by that.I drink to much. I cry to much. I feel to much. I'm sorry I am human okay ?"
"I am not saying you aren't human Penny. Of course I want you to cry and feel but not at the expense of your liver. We have a daughter did you forget that ? A girl who needs her mother. Not only might she lose one of her favourite uncles but now she might lose her mom to. I know you are sad about Sheldon. I am to but I am begging you to stop resulting to drinking to resolve the problem. " I said feeling the lump form in my throat thinking about my unconscious best friend and my daughter.
"Oh Leonard is sad about Sheldon. Sure doesn't look like it. You have refused to see him. You left me when I needed you the most last night. You weren't there for Leo and Amy. You aren't there. You refuse to talk about him. It is the first time in how long that you have said his name. Do you know how that makes me feel Leonard ? That we can't help each other through this. That I can't help you through this. That you ignore it like nothing happened but it did happen Leonard. Sheldon could be dying right now and you are focused on my drinking. I am sorry that these past weeks it has been a better husband than you have been . " Penny said trying to cover the crack in her voice by being more angry.
"Woah woah guys let's stop it here okay. Let's resume this tommorow." Rajesh said standing between us.
Oh now he wanted to intervene. I felt my self control slowly lose itself. I couldn't control my feelings anymore. My mouth talked before my brain did.
"Oh wow now you want to get involved. How about when my wife was first drinking where were you then ? You joined her instead of helping her. Granted I understand not helping her because you are scared but Raj you joined her. That makes you no better. You know she has a daughter she has to come home to but you still let her drink more than her body allows. " I said taking my anger out on him.
I watched him quiver his lip trying to stop the tears but he spoke now," Leonard. Penny would have drank with or without me. I have joined her to make sure she is okay. To make sure she gets home okay and doesn't wake up in a foreign place. As far as I know I have been thinking of your daughter thank you very much. I was just trying to look out for her and you. I haven't even drank with her. I just listened to what she had to say which so happened to be at the bottom of every shot glass. Apparently being a caring friend was the wrong move. Maybe I should have ignored my problems like you." He said leaving as he banged the door behind him .
"Now you have upset two people tonight. Are you happy with yourself ?I am going to stay somewhere far away from you. " She said going to our bedroom to pack some clothes in a bag and left.
I was now staring at the mess I have made tonight by following my emotions. I was just so angry with everything and everyone. I thought more of what Sheldon would say to me right now. I was so angry with myself. I kicked the coffee table until it flew into the door now making a loud thud. I wasn't aware of how strong I was. I could feel the tears fill my eyes then I heard light footsteps getting nearer and nearer.
"What happened daddy? Are you okay ?" Emma asked looking at the table.
"Yes Em, I am fine don't worry about it. How about we get you back to bed okay ? " I said leading her back to her room.
I waited a couple of minutes watching her sleep then left to my room as my phone started to ring. It was Amy.
"Hello Amy."
"I just heard what happened. How are you ? I just wanted you to know that she is okay. She is with me. " She said not the least bit judging me or angry it was genuine concern.
"Thank you Amy. I really screwed up didn't I ?" I said in tears now.
"Yeah but we all screw up sometimes. You both have been through alot. I am sure tommorow it will be okay again. "
"Have I really been ignoring Sheldon ?"
"Kind of yeah but it is okay. I understand. He was your best friend. Your non biological brother and the thought of him being gone is really overwhelming that you shut off the reality of it completely. You don't believe it and you think if you ignore it enough then it isn't real. Everyone has different ways of taking bad news. Penny's is drinking and yours is ignoring the problem until you have no choice but to face it. "
"You are really understanding do you know that ?" I said.
"Of course Leonard. This is a time we need each other the most and we all need to stick together. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you have been having a hard time with everything and now that you realised what you have been doing you are going to need Penny the most. So it is best you talk to her tomorrow. Okay ?"
"Yeah I will talk to her. What do you mean by I will need Penny the most now ?"
"Leonard just because you ignored your feelings doesn't mean they go away. They are just kept somewhere until you allow them to come to the surface and once you do it is going to be painful and annoying. It is going to be really hard but I believe you can get through this . It will all work out. Just take it one day at a time and we are here through it all. "
"Thank you Ames. "
"No problem. I just wanted to make sure you were okay and that you knew she was with me . Good night Leonard "
"Good night Amy. "
I tried to go to sleep because sleep used to be the one thing I loved more than anything. It took me away from all the pain and hurt . I felt peace and it was temporary but now every couple of hours I started crying thinking about Rajesh,Penny,Emma and Sheldon. I felt worthless and felt like this wasn't ever going to be better. I didn't know how this was going to get better. How was all of this going to get better? How did it get this bad in the first place ?
"Penny please . Just hear me out. Please . " I begged in her office as she was ignoring me.
"Fine you have 5 minutes. " She said closing her door and sat on the couch in her office as I sat next to her.
"Penny I am sorry I wasn't there for you. You are right alcohol has become a better husband than me. I promised to be there for you through it all but I wasn't because I wanted to live in my world of denial. I wasn't here to talk to you about how much your drinking scares me and how scared I am that if Sheldon is gone it will only get worse. I should have told you I was here instead of letting you go on. I just didn't want to talk about Sheldon. You are right as always. I didn't want to face the reality of a world without my best friend in it. I didn't want to live in a world without my best friend in it. Losing Sheldon scares me Penny. It is going to affect us so much and I am terrified. I am terrified I won't be able to get through I'm scared we won't get through it. "
"Thank you Leonard. I appreciate it. I know it is scary to not know if you going to lose him or not. I know it has been hard for you and I am sorry I didn't talk to you about it. We will get through this together and I will try not to result to drinking and come to you instead just like you have to talk about your feelings instead of ignoring them. Sheldon was our best friend and still is. We are going to get through whatever comes together. " She said holding my hand.
"Marrying you was the best decision I have ever made. " I said with a smile.
"It has been the smartest decision I have made. " She said smiling at me.
I hugged her so tight like she would dissapear out of my arms. It reminded me that she was here. I almost lost her to. I couldn't go through that. I am so glad she was here. That she moved next door to me.
I knocked on Rajesh's apartment door and he opened up not the least bit interested to put up with me.
"What do you want Leonard ? To blame me for Sheldon being in the hospital ?"
"I'm sorry Rajesh. You were right. You were an amazing friend for looking after Penny and I am sorry I said otherwise. I was just so mad and took it out on you which is wrong so I'm sorry. You deserved better. It is just Sheldon being in hospital affected me alot more than I thought it would. I hope you forgive me. "
Rajesh hugged me now in tears," How can I stay mad at you. It's okay I understand you were worried about Penny which is understandable. I hope you two made up. "
"Thank you Rajesh and yes we did. I'm taking you to work tomorrow right ?"
I know often times I didn't bother to take him to work because I was mad at him even though I wasn't really mad at him but myself. I hated how I was such a bad friend. I hated that I was in denial that I was like this.
"Wait really?" He said surprised
"Yeah you coming or not. "
"Yes yes I am ." He said smiling.
"Then I will see you tomorrow morning. Bye Rajesh." I said leaving next door.
I felt relieved that we made up and no one was mad at me now. If only I could get Sheldon to come back this easily.
We all three walked to our offices and we were going to do the longer way that I have been taking to avoid Sheldon's office but today I told them we were taking the short way.The usual route.
"Are you sure Leonard? " Howard asked.
I nodded as we walked then we stopped at a certain door.
"Leonard what are we stopping for ?" Rajesh asked.
I trailed my fingers on the name on the door.
Sheldon Cooper PhD
Theoretical physicist
"Leave him dude. He needs this" Howard said.
I opened the door to find everything untouched. The strong smell of talcum powder mixed with something else flooded my senses. It was like he was right here. There was still written equations on the board.
"He's a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him to. "
"To my best friend,Dr Leonard Hofstadter."
"To comfort you of course."
"Don't be silly Leonard. I will always be your problem."
"I love you so much. "
"You make me laugh. You make me a better scientist. You make me crazy. You are more than just my roommate. You are my brother. "
"You always have me your surrogate family. "
"I don't always show it but you are of great importance to me. "
"Fighting for our friendship. As peculiar and annoying as you can be you are still my little buddy. "
"The reason we live together is because we are best friends and I have your back,Jack."
"I am not upset I am just imagining a world without my best friend in it. "
"You are my friend and I'm sorry. "
"I am going to miss you. "
All the memories came flooding back to me now. It was like this heavy weight pulling me down and I couldn't stand anymore. I sat down by the wall feeling completely paralysed. I couldn't feel anything. The voices faded away and all I could see was blurry figures from the tears in my eyes. It felt like I was watching myself so lifeless. I hurt everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It was overwhelming. This feeling. It was too much. I felt like my oxygen was getting cut off as I felt the weight on my chest get heavier.
I didn't know how long it had been but I felt a hand holding mine. I knew that hand. It was Penny. She was here. How long was I like this ? Why couldn't I seem to move ? The weight on my chest got heavier and heavier now until it was harder to breathe.
"I can't breathe." I managed to croak out.
"It's going to be okay Leonard. You just need to cry it out. Crying will help. Please cry. I'm here now. You can cry. " Penny said begging me to do something I couldn't do.
I saw Sheldon's favourite jacket hanging on the coat hanger. This was the jacket he wore when he asked Amy out and when he kissed her. He loved it. I wish he was here in this office right now. I wish he was writing equations. I swear I felt like I heard him now.
"I miss you to buddy and I need you to cry for us. It will help you. Just cry. " I heard him say but he wasn't here which seemed to hit me now.
He wasn't here. He wasn't here. He wasn't here. The more I said that the more I felt the tears fill my eyes now. He wasn't here. My best friend wasn't here. My best friend wasn't here. I buried my head in her arms now as the sobbing came. Once the crying started it couldn't stop but I felt the weight on my chest get lighter. It is what Amy said. It was all the emotions I pushed down.I could finally start to feel the tips of Penny's fingers in mine now. She held me in her arms until I was able to support myself.
It felt like it took hours until I could feel more. I felt better kind of but there was still a part of me that was weighing me down but it wasn't as bad anymore.
"Come on Leonard. Let's get you home. We can cancel dinner with the group if you like. " She said.
I shook my head." No . We need this. I need this. I will be okay thanks to you. " I said.
" Leonard I have never seen you like that before. I'm worried about you. " She said concerned.
"I know. I am better now it is just what Amy said. I ignored my feelings and now it is all coming at the same time but I will be okay. "
"We will get through this." She said holding my hand once again as we got into the car.
The rest of the day was spent crying at the stupidest stuff from my pen dropping on the ground to the Tv having problems with changing the channels. I could tell Penny was worried about me but she was here through everything. I hated feeling like this. Like everything made me sad. Like everything hurt me. Like if the pen didn't drop my day would be better or my life would be better. Why was feeling like this so hard ?
The group came for dinner which helped my mind not become so loud so I didn't feel like crying as much. We all left Sheldon's spot open while everyone ate their food. We talked about the small things trying to catch up. We haven't done this in so long and if we did I wasn't present. I was in my own world of denial.
Penny held my hand everytime she could see I wanted to cry when I noticed he wasn't here with us, complaining about how the food is changed or how I didn't get the right order. I cried when we had to get the food and I noticed Sheldon's order wasn't here. This was alot more than I bargained for but everything seemed to make me cry now. I felt so emotional and stupid but I knew I couldn't live in my world of denial again. I needed to get through this.
Everyone stopped talking almost immediately when Amy's phone rang. She looked petrified of a small little device. We all seemed so scared of such a small thing. Why? It didn't cause us any harm. It didn't hurt us. It didn't do anything but to do what it is meant to do. I then realised that the doctor told her about Sheldon on the phone. It made sense now why we were scared. Why she was scared.
I looked at her and gave a slight nod of support and,she inhaled and exhaled as she left to the kitchen to answer it. We all tried to study her expressions as she was on the phone but she was giving nothing away. It felt like all our hearts stopped waiting and the more we waited the slower time went as we became more impatient. It hurt that someone talking on the phone affected us so much. She eventually got off the phone and stood looking at all of us now. Her eyes glistened from the tears in her eyes.
"That was the doctor." She said and I seemed to hold Penny's hand tighter now scared to breathe.
"He said Sheldon has improved enough today that he is going to get the surgery tomorrow. Sheldon is going to get the surgery that could possibly wake him up if everything goes well." She said as the tears strolled down her face now.
We all heard as our breaths exhaled not believing what we were hearing. Rajesh hugged her as Howard and Bernie hugged each other, and I hugged Penny. Bernie raised her glass now with a huge smile," To the one who never loses a fight even with death. To Sheldon. You have come this far so you need to get through this to. "
We all raised our glasses now ," To Sheldon. " We all said at the same time.
We all felt a sun shine brighter. We felt the goodness seeping through the cracks. Maybe it was all going to be okay. Maybe he was coming back to us. We needed him to come back to us. He was coming back. My best friend is coming back. I felt the weight slowly becoming lighter and lighter.I felt hope for the first time in so long.
Leo came running to the tv room with the other kids now trying to find out what is going on.
"Mommy why is everyone cheering ?" He asked looking at Amy.
Amy brought him closer to where she was sitting now and smiled.
"Daddy's doctor called me and they said daddy is doing better enough to have surgery which is where they do this special thing to fix him and make him better. "
"So he is coming home ?" Leo said getting excited.
"Maybe. It depends on how it goes. There can be alot of things that go wrong because of all the pain the accident did to him so it might not work but we are hoping it does. It is good news Leo. It means Daddy is one step closer to coming home if he just holds on a little longer. "
Leo hugged Amy so tight now. They went through so much and they were still getting through it together. Everyone continued with their own conversation now while Leo sat with Amy for a little while. I went to the kitchen now pouring myself something to drink while Leo ran up to me now.
" I'm glad you are okay Uncle Leonard. We got your back,Jack. " He said giving me a smile.
"What ? Who told you that saying? " I asked.
"Daddy silly. He said he misses you too. It is okay to cry Uncle Leonard. Daddy said it makes us strong like a superhero. "
He left now to join his friends before I could ask him when Sheldon told him this. How did he know about today ? So did I really hear him today or was this all in my imagination?
Well we will have to see what happens next and how everything goes. Can't wait to see you for the next chapter on Wednesday and thank you so much for all your support.