Misery loves company
Chapter 15: Please don't go
Hey guys :) just wanted to give a big thank you to all the love I received on the last chapter even if it wasn't the best. This chapter isn't that great either but don't worry the ending of it makes it better. The feelings in this chapter are very intense but I hope you enjoy reading it.
The song I listened to for inspiration for this chapter is Don't forget me by Nathan Wagner who is super underated and talented so that's probably why it is a little sadder but like I said it is worth it.
P.S ~This chapter is very sensitive for certain people so please be aware.
I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn't having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that's left inside your heart when they go.
Amy's pov:
I could hear him and I am sure I heard him say goodbye. I heard him say goodbye. It couldn't be. I refused to believe it. No . He wasn't leaving me. I got up now taking all the drips in my skin out despite everyone trying to keep me in bed. I managed to make my way out the door then to the ICU room seeing Wil with him but he looked fine. I felt relief enter my lungs. Maybe it was just me.
I was watching him now talk to Sheldon," I'm so sorry . This is all my fault. This is all my fault. " He said crying on his chest.
"What's your fault ?" I asked curious.
He got a fright by my voice but once he saw me he started apologizing to me.
"I'm so sorry this is all my fault Amy. I did this. "
"What are you talking about ? What did you do ?"
"I killed him Ames. I am the reason he is dying. I did this. " He said sobbing in his hands.
I couldn't seem to grasp what he was saying,"What?" was all I could say and before he could say anything more we heard talking on the intercom.
'Code blue in 107. Code blue in 107. I repeat we have a code blue in 107'
I then realised the ringing in my ears was Sheldon's machine. He was flatlining. Again. So I heard it. I heard him say goodbye. He was saying goodbye. I couldn't feel my legs anymore. I felt the doctors push past me to save him. Howard ran to the room and got Wil out which he willing went with because he looked like he was going to be sick.
"Sheldon !Please ! Sheldon! Please !Sheldon ! No . Sheldon ! " was the only words I could scream like it was the only words in existence.
The doctors were telling someone behind me to get me out of here but all I could do was scream. Scream in hope he will come back. In hope he will come back to me. I felt someone tug on my arm but I refused to leave. I couldn't leave. I couldn't feel my legs. I was watching them revive him but I knew he was gone. The machine told me my husband was dead as the long beep stuck in my head. The never ending deafening sound that I will forever hear. I was now turned and Georgie was dragging me out with Bernadette with him. They dragged me out of the room into the hallway.
I fell to my knees now to weak to stand."Sheldon" I said one last time as I held my chest like it could make the pain go away. All I could do was cry as I felt the weight get heavier. I couldn't move. I felt a part of me left. I felt a part of me gone. Bernadette got on her knees now hugging me not quite sure what to do. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't feel like this anymore. I was tired. This was to hard.
"Come on Amy. Let's get you to your room. "Georgie said lifting me up but I couldn't support myself anymore.
He had to do most of the walking for me while I was a dead weight. That's what I felt like. I felt like a dead weight. I felt nothing. I couldn't feel anything anymore. Nothing I felt would ever make this better. Nothing mattered anymore. There was no point anymore. I was just a dead weight.
Georgie got me to the bed and was telling the group something but I wasn't listening anymore. I couldn't care anymore. I heard Mary's little scream now as she hugged Missy so I knew he was telling them about Sheldon. It didn't take long for a doctor to come and connect the drips in my skin again.
I couldn't feel it.I was hoping I could feel the sharp needle go through my skin to prove I was okay but I felt nothing. Not because the pain didn't exist or the twinge of hurt you feel isn't there but because I just couldn't care that I forgot it existed. This overwhelming feeling of nothing mattered anymore filled my entire body. I sank lower into the bed laying my head on the pillow watching the rain trickle down the window. It was peaceful.
It was not like the heavy rain that poured. You could hear it bounce off the roof. It felt like the rain was feeling everything for me since I couldn't. I felt grateful that it could explain it better than me. My eyes felt heavier wanting to close and be in a place far far away from here but I was terrified to sleep knowing I was going to wake up to this world again. Feeling like this again. I hated that I would feel moments of peace then more of this pain.
Sheldon sat on the bed with his phone on speaker.
"Goodnight Leo. We will see you tomorrow okay ? We love you. I am going to give the phone to your mommy now. " He said giving to Amy who was reading.
"Goodnight sweetie. I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I hope you were behaving at Meemaw's place. " She said taking the phone.
After more goodbyes the phone ended and Amy went back to her book.Sheldon sat next to her pulling her closer to his arms as he rested his chin on her shoulder.
"Sheldon I am reading and you are distracting me. " Amy said.
"How am I distracting you ? I am just watching you read. " He said.
"Well that is creepy. "
"How can it be creepy if you are my wife?"
"Just because you are married to me doesn't mean you get to watch me whenever you want. "
"Actually that is exactly what it means. "
"Then I am rethinking this whole marriage thing. "
"Too late for that I'm afraid but I tell you what I have a better idea how about you close this book then I can have you all to myself. "
"You need to learn how to share. " Amy said laughing.
"I do know how to share I just don't like sharing especially sharing you. " He said closing Amy's book and placing it on her bedside table.
"I was reading that. " Amy protested .
" Well I have something better for you to read. " He said kissing her now.
"I might be interested. What are your options ?" Amy said.
"Me. " He said kissing her lightly then continuing,"Me" he said giving her another kiss,"and me. " He said giving her another kiss.
"Not alot of options there . " Amy said trying to sound dissapointed as she kissed him.
"But they are the best options. I strongly recommend them. " He said as Amy could feel his smile while they kissed.
"Well I guess if it is the only option. " Amy said laughing.
"The best option. " Sheldon said chuckling.
"I think you are just full of yourself. "
"Why don't you find out for yourself."
"Maybe I will. " Amy said giggling .
"Amy ? Please say something . Anything . Please for me . " Mary said and I could hear her more clearly now.
Everyone was looking at me as if I were a fragile glass that could break at any second but what they didn't know was that it was to late I already felt like I broke. Beyond repair like I was once a complete puzzle piece but now I lost my missing piece.
"Sheldon's gone. " was all I could say as the realisation started sinking in more and more.
"We don't know that for sure sweetie. " Penny said but I knew she was lying. They all knew he was gone.
"He's gone Penny. I heard him. He said goodbye. He isn't coming back." I said like I was delivering the results of an experiment but I felt so hurt inside I just couldn't seem to understand.
"You heard him ?" Penny asked.
"Yes I felt him with me. I heard him.I know it sounds crazy Penny but he is gone and I know that. I don't need to wait for any doctor to come tell me that. " I said feeling my eyes go blurry.
"I thought we were the only ones. We heard him to. " Rajesh said.
"You heard him ?" I asked confused.
"Yeah we all heard it like he could select who he talks to. " Howard said.
"He said that when he was younger he remembers telling his mom that he was going to be alone forever and she said that she was sure when he was older he would have lots of friends that loved him. He said not only is he glad that his mother was right but that we also encouraged, inspired, sustained and tolerated him. He said all his accomplishments weren't his alone because he couldn't have been the person he is today without us and he is glad we stuck around even though he would drive us crazy." Leonard said sadly but with a smile then the tears came," He also said that it started with him and I, and ended with 4 more amazing friends and the best wife he could ask for. He said he will forever thank us for meeting you. " Leonard said looking at me in tears.
"Well I heard Sheldon tell me that he shared a womb with me for 9 months and as annoying as I was he couldn't imagine living a life where I wasn't his sister. He said Georgie was the best big brother he could have asked for and only wished he got to tell him that. Despite everything and all the bullying he knew that Georgie cared and he said that mom was not only the best mother he could have asked for but also the best parent in the world. He said that he was always inspired by her to do amazing things because she was amazing. Through all the hurt and everything she continued fighting for her children and her. She has proved time and time again that no matter how hard life hit you that you could still get up and try again. He said as much as he said he wished he was born in a family like Leonard's he always knew how lucky he was to be a Cooper and proud to be related to us and how proud he was to be your son ." Missy said crying now looking at Mary while Mary hugged her tears got heavier.
He talked to them to. He said goodbye to them to. He knew he was leaving. He said goodbye. So we all heard it. He wasn't coming back. I then looked at Wil fiddling with his fingers as he was in his own world. I wished to be there. To be anywhere but here. I then remembered what he said to me. Sheldon spoke to him to. That is how he knew he was going to die.
"Wil ? " I said sounding weak like there was no power left in me," What did you mean when you said you did this. "
He refused to look at me. He really believed whatever his head was telling him was true. I was sure it wasn't. I know he would never hurt Sheldon . I didn't feel him as any threat.
"Wil" I called to him again patting an empty space on my bed so he could sit there.
He eventually got up dragging one foot after the next to finally sit next to me.
"Do you want to tell me what you meant ?" I said trying to be calm and patient.
"It's my fault Amy. I did this. If I didn't stop to say something he would've been fine. " He said crying.
"Deep breath in and out for me. It's okay Wil. Just explain it to me from the beginning. "
"He was dropping me off at home that day. "
"What were you doing with him ?"I asked confused.
"It was a surprise for you that he has been planning for awhile. We were working on something together and when he dropped me home before he left I was saying how happy I was for him and then when he left to the four-way stop near my house as he was driving,a car from the other side came out of nowhere and crashed into his side of the car. If I just let him go he would have been fine. It's all my fault I am sorry Amy. " He said crying on my shoulder.
"Hey it wasn't your fault. You didn't hit Sheldon. You had a conversation with him like a friend does. You couldn't have prevented the car hitting him. You probably kept Sheldon living as long as he did by being there and calling someone for help. I know it wasn't easy watching that but I am so proud of you. You did the best you could and for that I am grateful. " I said rubbing his back until he felt better enough to look at me again.
"Wil what happened to the other driver ?" Penny asked.
"I don't know. He didn't sustain alot of injuries because of his air bag but it did cause some injuries. The police told me they were sure he was drunk while driving so he couldn't have seen Sheldon when he was driving. "
The room had a uncomfortable silence as no one knew what to say. We were all walking on eggshells around each other scared to say something that would put us over the edge. This was all a little to much for me.
"What surprise were you talking about with Amy ?" Bernadette asked filling the silence.
"I guess I can tell you since we don't know if Sheldon ever will. He was planning on asking you to renew your vows. He planned it in such a way that you got the wedding of your dreams when you were a kid and he asked me to officiate since I didn't last time. " Wil said.
"What ? Why would he do that ?" I asked .
"Because he said he wants you have your dreams come true like you made his true by marrying him. It is only a small ceremony to renew your vows with everyone in this room but he said that he would marry you in every universe of time again and again. I thought it was cute along with the bracelet. "
"The bracelet ?" I asked.
Wil then reached for something in his pocket to then give it to me," He wanted you to have this to and asked me to protect it. ".
I looked at the bracelet that was golden and had those big loop chains with a big rectangle in the center that had something engraved on it . It had both our names engraved on it like children when they were younger as the names were plused together. Under the names was our wedding anniversary. I couldn't help but smile. He really did this for me. I turned over the rectangle bit to find something engraved on the back.
To the person who had my heart since:"I'm Amy Farrah Fowler and you're Sheldon Cooper". I couldn't imagine loving someone else.
I felt something small now. Something other than nothing mattered. It was something. It was anything. It was small but it was there. I found something that mattered. He mattered but now he was gone. I still had this. It wasn't him but it was something. His face came back to my mind as I could hear his funny little laugh again. I was so grateful to remember it. I hugged Wil with tears in my eyes now.
"This means more to me than you will ever know. Thank you so much. " I said in between the tears.
"I only wish I could bring him back. " Wil said.
"None of this was your fault. You did all that was possible to be done. Don't blame yourself for this. " I said looking at him and he gave a small nod.
I saw Mary in tears. I hugged her to.
"Mary thank you for always looking after me when you were sinking. I know this will be hard but I will be here. " I said.
I looked at everyone right now. They were all hurting like I was but they still made sure I was okay. That I was doing okay.
"Thank you to all of you. You have no idea how much I needed you and will continue to need you. I know none of you had it easy and still won't but I'm so proud of all of you for being with the people that counts and relying on them. You guys will need me to and I am going to try my best to be here. " I said .
Everyone was trying so hard not to cry. I could see their eyes that became a shade of red from all the crying. None of this was easy for any of this. This was awkward and to much. We needed something happy. We needed Sheldon.
"Can we see the bracelet?" Penny asked filling the silence.
I nodded and gave it to her to see. They all took turns seeing it while I was back in my own world again. I felt the overwhelming weight again as it sat on my chest.I wish his hand was holding mine. I wish he was here to give it to me. I just wish he was here but now all I had was the memories.
If you told me that last year I would have lost my husband to a car accident. I would have called you crazy. Sheldon doesn't get into accidents. But he did and he wasn't going to come back because of it. I felt angry at the person who hit him. I felt angry at the innocent life he took away at the hand of alcohol. The person who has children,a wife,family and now he was gone. He didn't do anything wrong. It was unfair. He was planning a surprise for me for crying out loud and now he is gone.
Life wasn't fair and we just had to accept that. I wondered if I was going to feel like this forever. Feel like nothing mattered anymore or that I just didn't care anymore. Or would it get better. Could you feel better after losing the love of your life,your soulmate. How does it get better not being able to wake up next to them anymore? How does it get better not being able to talk to them anymore? How does never seeing them get better ?
I remembered Leo now. That poor little boy at home thinking his father is okay to be only told he wasn't. His father was never coming home. I had to raise him alone with two children who Sheldon didn't even get the chance to meet. What kind of sick joke was this ? How did any of this get better?
"Shhh just let her sleep. She needs rest. " Mary said.
Didn't she know I was awake. I couldn't sleep. Everytime I did I could hear my screaming in my mind. I could see the doctors trying to save him. I could hear his machine telling me my husband is gone. I could hear Wil's sobs. I could feel the paralysing feeling. I could hear his laugh slowly fading. I could hear his voice dissapering more and more. I could feel the emptyness I felt in my hand because his hand wasn't in mine.
How could I sleep ? Even if I was able to enter this perfect dreamland of peace I was only going to wake up to the living nightmare I call my life. I would feel a perfect second until I was back. I would then crave that perfect second more stopping at nothing to get it. I needed to learn to live in the nightmare I was in.
"It is preferable to update Sheldon's condition to all of you. " The doctor said now.
He was here. He was here to give me the impending doom that was waiting for me. I wonder if he knew that ? That his face telling me my husband is gone will forever be in my nightmares. After everything he has done for us. After all he has done to help and he will still be the bad guy in my nightmares. He will still be the one who took a father,a husband,a son and a friend away by saying he is gone. By uttering it out into the universe.
I couldn't let him be the bad guy in our stories. I knew what he was going to say. I just need to keep him as the doctor that tried. He tried and that was all he could do.I sat up now looking at the doctor.
"You don't have to say it. We know. It's okay. " I said trying not to cry.
"Look I know he has given you a scare on more than one occasion. He has scared me to but he is okay. We revived him. There was a second we thought we were going to lose him but I don't know what changed his mind but he came back. I'm sorry we took so long. We had to run multiple tests because I didn't know if he was back back. He seems to be progressing amazingly now. No signs of organ failure and he looks just fine. It is some type of miracle but we think he is going to be just fine. He came back and it looks like he is staying for good. "
"Wait so you are saying he is going to be okay?" Mary asked shocked.
"He is going to be okay thank goodness.I don't think I could have told you guys that you lost him. I don't mean to offend anyone but I can't wait to get rid of him because he keeps scaring me. " The doctor said laughing.
"So he isn't gone ? He is here ?" I said not believing it. He said goodbye.
"He is going to be just fine. We are waiting for him to wake up which might take a couple of days because of all the stress on his body but I strongly believe he is going to be okay. He fought back. He came back. " The doctor said.
Everyone hugged the doctor now relieved. We all really thought he was gone.I thought he was gone but he is back. He kept his promise. He came back. He isn't gone. He was fine. Everything was going to be fine.
I'm so sorry for all the torture I put you through especially this chapter but I hope the ending was worth it. The next couple of chapters we will see how Sheldon copes with recovering and how everyone else copes. This story is unfortunately almost done but these last chapters will be so worth the rollercoaster I put you through.
Thank you so much for all the support and let me know what you thought of this chapter.