All morning, Ronnie Anne Santiago was on high alert, waiting for something to happen. She woke to her alarm at six and crept up the stairs, wincing at the creak of old floorboards beneath her feet. She tiptoed over to Lincoln's door and pressed her ear to the cool wood, her hands unconsciously fisted to her chest. The hallway was dark and desolate at this hour, like a country road at midnight, and the only sound was the roar of Ronnie Anne's own blood rushing through her veins. Her heart pounded and her breathing deepened. She imagined Lincoln on the other side of the door and shuddered at the thought of who he might be with and what they were probably doing.
Of course, she could be wrong. He might be by himself and he could be sleeping. In fact, he probably was. Her reasoning for doing this was simple: In a house as busy as 1216 Franklin Avenue, getting alone time with your incest partner couldn't be easy. No matter the house, there was always someone up going to the bathroom or fetching a drink of water from the kitchen. On top of that, the walls were tissue thin. You could literally lean against one and knock half the house over. Because of that, you could hold a conversation with someone three rooms over and it would sound like they were right next to you. Ronnie Anne didn't know much about sex, but from what she'd seen on TV, it seemed like a noisy proposition. If Lincoln and his sister-girlfriend tried to run off for a quick afternoon hey hey, someone would hear them. The safest possible time for them to do their thing, she surmised, was in the hour or so around dawn, when there was the smallest chance of someone being awake.
Standing their in the hallway with her ear glued to Lincoln's door, listening for telltale grunting and huffing, Ronnie Anne felt dumb. What was she doing? Even if he was banging one of his sisters, what business of hers was it? She pictured him on top of Lola and her stomach churned. God, so gross. Maybe it wasn't her business, but she couldn't back down now. Call her what you will, but she burned with curiosity and the flames would not be quenched until she found out what was really going on.
For a long time, she listened for the slightest sound. Her neck started to hurt and her ears began to ring. Finally giving up, she turned away but stopped dead in her tracks when a girlish giggle sounded. Her heart leapt into her throat and she did a 360 spin, sure that a ghost would jump out at her. Low voices drifted from behind the door, and instead of calming down, she tensed up even more. Mouth dry, heart knocking, she laid her hand on the knob and opened the door just a crack. She peered in and this is what she saw: Lincoln lying on his back, eyes closed and teeth biting his bottom lip. There was a giant lump beneath the blanket and it bobbed vigorously up and down. For a second, Ronnie Anne had no idea what she was seeing...then her eyes fell on the feet sticking out from the blanket, and she realized that someone was under there.
Was she...s'ing Lincoln's D?
GROSS.
Ronnie Anne stood there, gaping in horror, for almost a full minute, waiting for the person to come out from under the blanket so that she could see their face, but panicked and fled when Lincoln looked at the door. Thinking back later, she was pretty sure that he didn't see her, but in the moment, she was sure that the jig was up.
Downstairs, she sat on the couch in a trickle of post dawn light and hugged herself, feeling dirty and depressed. She whipped out her phone and fired off a text to Jordan. Jordan was asleep so she didn't immediately reply. Sighing, Ronnie Anne got back up and went to the bottom of the stairs, getting there just as a figure darted from Lincoln's room. Ronnie Anne's blood ran cold and she froze in place. Because the hall was so dark, she didn't see who it was, or even how tall they were. It could have been anyone from Lisa to Lori. She hesitated, then hurried up the steps hoping to catch the culprit, but by the time she got there, the hall was devoid of life again, as though she - whoever she was - had never been there at all. Ronnie Anne let out a frustrated sigh and stalked to the bathroom, listening for movement. The house was silent, and if she hadn't seen these shenanigans with her own two eyes, she would have thought that everyone was fast asleep.
In the bathroom, she shut the door and walked over to the sink, Gripping the cold porcelain basin, she leaned forward and stared at herself in the mirror, her brows heavy and her eyes hard with determination. She was so close to finding out the identity of Lincoln's girlfriend only to have it cruelly snatched away from her. Well, this wasn't the end of it, because she was committed now more than ever to uncover the truth. What would she do with that information? Who knew? That was a worry for another day. For right now, solving the mystery would be its own prize.
Going back downstairs, she grabbed her bag and returned to the bathroom for a long, hot shower. She scrubbed, she thought of the day ahead. Yesterday, she and Jordan's group decided, through a process of elimination, that Lincoln's girlfriend was likely Lori, Leni, or Luna. Ronnie Anne discounted the possibility of it being Lori. She knew for a fact that it wasn't Lynn or Luan, because they were outside while Lincoln and his "gf" were upstairs together. She had been sure that the voice she heard belonged to an older girl, but it wasn't exactly clear, it could have belonged to anyone. Lucy, for instance. She didn't sound like your typical eight year old. For that matter, Lana and Lola didn't exactly sound like six years. What seemed clear and certain the previous day was now muddled and doubtful.
That irritated her.
When she was finished, she cut the spray, toweled off, and dressed in a pair of shorts and a purple hoodie. She brushed her teeth, gargled with mouthwash, and skipped flossing. Her dentist might yell at her but oh well. No one flosses.
Unless they're playing Fortnite.
By this time, the Loud house had begun to stir. Lori stood outside the bathroom door with her head down and her shoulders slumped, Lola and Lana battled in the middle of the hallway for a teddy bear, Lynn repeatedly tossed a ball into the air and caught it, and Leni bobbed her head to music only she could hear, a big, happy smile plastered to her face. As she passed her, Ronnie Anne lowered her brows/ She was happy alright, maybe a little too happy...like she had joyful little romp in the bed with her brother. Leni turned to look at her, and her smile never faltered. "Hi, Ronnie," she said. "Beautiful morning."
"Yeah," Ronnie Anne said, guarded. "You're mighty happy. Anything...good...happen this morning?"
Leni tapped her chin and rolled her eyes up to the ceiling in thought. Ronnie Anne's suspicions grew and her brow lowered even further. "Nope," Leni finally chirped, "I'm just naturally happy, I guess." She gave a smile and a little shrug.
"Umhm," Ronnie Anne said. She turned away and went downstairs, stopping to look over her shoulder at Leni. Leni had gone back to bobbing her head from side to side and grinning like a doof. Ronnie Anne stared at her for a moment and then went down into the living room. Was it Leni? Of every Loud sister, Leni was honestly the last one she would suspect, right in front of Lily. Leni was a little slow and had trouble understanding things...like the concept of secrets. If Leni was involved in a relationship with Lincoln, there's no way that she wouldn't blab and give herself away. None whatsoever. Leni was extremely childlike and the idea of Lincoln taking advantage of her like that made Ronnie Anne both sad and mad. Leni was innocent. Messing with her was just as bad as messing with a little three year old.
And for that reason, and that reason alone, she was leaning toward ruling her out as a suspect. She could buy Lincoln as an incest pervert who enjoyed doing dirty things with one of his sisters under the blankets, but she couldn't see him as a child molester, which is basically what he would be if it was Leni. Being with Lola or Lisa would be less rapey than being with Leni. Would Lincoln go that far? She didn't want to think so, but you know what? She didn't want to think he was having sex with one of his sisters, and that certainly seemed to be the case.
Dropping onto the couch, she whipped out her phone.
She had a text from Jordan.
Can you meet me at Gus's at eight?
What time was it now? She checked the time.
7:25.
Yes, she replied.
Don't forget to find out what Lori, Leni, and Luna are doing today.
Oh, crap, she totally did forget.
She deposited the phone into the pocket of her hoodie and got up just as Lincoln came down the stairs. Her stomach lurched and for some reason she had the horrible feeling that he knew she was onto him. If so, he certainly didn't show it; he stepped with the springy bounce of a small boy on a beautiful day and whistled a light and happy tune. He smiled when he saw her and she returned a smile of her own, this one weak and tentative. "Hey," he said, "wanna go to the park?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm having breakfast with some friends. I haven't seen them in a while so…"
He waved his hand, his smile never faltering. "No problem. It's cool. Maybe we can go later."
There was something odd about how well he took her turning down his invitation to the park. She didn't expect him to crumble and start crying like a baby, but she didn't expect him to be so...chipper about it either. Was she paranoid, or was he secretly happy that she wasn't going to be around? Without her, after all, he could spend more time with his lil sister-wife. Then again, maybe he was just being a kind and understanding friend who believed that she wanted alone time with old pals?
Perhaps that was it, but to be honest, she didn't know. Everything she thought she knew about Lincoln and, indeed, life itself was out the window and she hadn't yet gotten her feet under her.
"Sure," she said. "And I can beat your ass at skateboarding."
Lincoln chuckled. "You probably will. I'm trash."
Yeah, she thought, incest trash.
Before leaving for Gus's, Ronnie Anne tracked down Lori, Leni, and Luna. With each one, she casually asked what they had planned, and if they would be interested in hanging out later on. She had confided in Lori the night before but that didn't mean Lori wouldn't be followed like the others. "Not much," Lori said, "I'm going to be snooping."
"For evidence?" Ronnie Anne asked.
Lori nodded. "There's got to be something. A note, a text, a pack of condoms. Whatever it is, I'm going to find it."
"I saw her this morning," Ronnie Anne said.
Lori started. "What?"
"I saw her coming out of Lincoln's room."
She told Lori about spying on Lincoln and his "girlfriend" and Lori looked like she was going to be sick. "Well, who was it?"
"I don't know," Ronnie Anne said, "it was dark."
Lori raked her fingers through her blonde hair and took a deep breath. "This is so fucked."
"You're telling me," Ronnie Anne said.
She didn't tell Lori about her plans to meet with Jordan and the others, just on the off chance that she was the one. Instead, she went to Leni and then Luna. Leni was going to be at the mall with her friends and Luna and Sam's band had a gig at a community center downtown. Once Ronnie Anne had all the information she needed, she slipped out of the house through the side door and started toward Gus's, hurrying to make it in time. She had considered taking one of the Loud girls' bikes from the garage, but decided that she wanted to walk instead. Walking helped clear her mind and order her thoughts, and right now, she needed some clarity and organization. She officially came to terms with the fact that Lincoln was screwing one of his sisters. It was gross, disgusting, and fucked up, but it was a fact. What drove him to do it? Why did he go after one of his relatives when there was a town full of girls his age ripe for the picking? Okay, maybe they weren't exactly ripe for the picking, but he could easily get a girlfriend, why resort to incest? Incest is something that happens in the hollers of Kentucky and West Virginia, where your nearest neightbor is 30 miles away and if you don't have sex with your family, you don't have sex at all, not in a middle class bedroom community of a major American city.
Right?
Well...the royal family in the UK did incest, but they're rich and powerful, and the richer and powerfuler someone is, the weirder they are. She was talking about normal people, the kind who didn't do dumb stuff like name their children XYZ and sell candles that smelled like their crotch. Man, the hubris it took to do some of that stuff. Imagine being such a raging egotist that you think people want to smell your downstairs quarters. Imagine -
Actually, don't, that's not the point here. The point is that she couldn't comprehend what led Lincoln to become an incest pervert and that bothered her.
She was going to find out, though.
Five minutes later, she arrived at Gus's and found the gang sitting at a booth near the bathrooms. She sat next to Stella and Jordan leaned over the table, voice low. "Tell everyone what you told me."
Ronnie Anne shuddered. "I'd rather not relive that," she said.
She told them anyway. Stella covered her mouth with her hand and Cristina cringed so hard her spine almost snapped. A dark shadow flickered across Clyde's face and Jordan puckered her lips. "That's so nasty," she said. She looked at Clyde. "Show her what you got."
Clyde sat a backpack on the table. "Recording equipment," he explained. He unzipped the bag and everyone leaned in to see. Ronnie Anne was expecting a bunch of fancy junk with knobs, levers, and digital readouts, but she was greeted instead by a half dozen tape recorders of various sizes. "They're pretty simple to use," he said. He took out one. "You have your stop button, your play button -"
"I know how to use a tape recorder," Ronnie Anne snapped.
"There are enough here for you to bug every room in the house," Clyde said. "They're commercial quality so even if you bury them under a pile of feather pillows, they'll still pick up sounds. They're also digital so everything they pick up goes to the cloud. That means they can run forever without running out of space." He pushed the bag across the table and Ronnie Anne took it.
Jordan looked around to make sure no one was listening in. This early in the morning, the place was entirely empty, save for a couple teenage waitresses closely conferring at the front counter like witches plotting mayhem and Gus himself, a fat man with a head shaped like a bullet. Gus waddled out of the double doors to the kitchen carrying a tray of raw chicken. He disappeared into the attacked arcade, and Ronnie Anne bunched her lips to the side in confusion. Why was he taking it in there?
"...okay?" Jordan asked.
Ronnie Anne snapped out of it. "Huh?" she asked.
"Put the tape recorders around the house and stay on top of Lincoln. Me and Stella are going to follow Leni to the mall, Clyde and Cristina are going to take Luna."
Ronnie Anne nodded. "Alright."
The meeting adjourned and everyone went their separate ways, Jordan and Stella to the mall, Clyde and Cristina to the community center, and Ronnie Anne back to the Loud house, the backpack on her back. When she got there, she paused at the door. It'd look pretty weird if she came in with a random backpack. She would have to sneak in.
She peered through the front window. Lola, Lana, and Lucy sat on the couch watching cartoons, Lola and Lana leaning forward with big eyes and Lucy with her arms crossed over her chest, looking unimpressed. Darn, she'd have to find another way in.
Tiptoeing, she went around the side of the house and peeked in through the kitchen window.
The coast was clear.
She tried the doorknob and it was unlocked. She pushed the door open and crept in, keeping low so no one saw her. She heard footsteps approaching and her heart jumped into her chest. She scrambled into the cabinet beneath the sink. She drew her knees to her chest and held her breath. The footsteps went to the back door, then to the fridge. The fridge opened with a tinkle of glass on glass, and then closed again. Ronnie Anne winced when whoever it was opened the overhead cabinet, then the drawer. A split second later, the door to her hiding spot opened and sunlight blinded her eyes. "Oh, hi, Ronnie," Leni said. Her tone was casual and unconcerned, as though finding someone hiding in a kitchen cabinet were a common occurrence. "Can you hand me the bleach?"
Ronnie Anne grabbed the bleach and held it out. "Thank you," Leni sang. "Do you want me to close the door?"
Nah, it's fine," Ronnie Anne said. She climbed out. "I thought you were going to the mall."
"I am," Leni said, "I just need to whiten my teeth real quick." She shook the jug of bleach.
Uh...okay, then.
She carried the backpack into the living room and then up the stairs, not knowing where to go or what to do with it. She stashed it in the bathroom, took one of the recorders out, and went to Lincoln's door. She knocked and he called out that it was open. She poked her head in. "Clyde's downstairs," she said, "he wants to talk."
Lincoln, stretched out on his bed with a comic, looked at her funny. "Clyde?" He and Clyde were on the outs and had been for a while, so getting a visit from him was strange to say the least.
"Yeah," Ronnie Anne said, "I know."
Shrugging, Lincoln tossed the comic aside, got up, and came out into the hallway, Ronnie Anne stepping aside to let him pass. "He's at the door," she said.
When Lincoln went downstairs, Ronnie Anne darted into his room, knelt by his bed, and took out the recorder. Her heart was pounding and her hands were trembling; she could be caught at any moment, and the threat of discovery was both exciting and terrifying. She pressed the PLAY button and stowed the recorder under his bed. She got up and hurried out of the room, getting to the head of the stairs just as Lincoln appeared. "He must have changed his mind," Lincoln said with a shrug.
"Maybe," she said.
"You wanna go to the park now?"
"Sure."
On their way out the door, Lucy asked to tag along. As the three of them made their way toward the park, Lincoln and Lucy talked and giggled together like a couple of girls. Ronnie Anne was so deep in thought that she barely paid attention to them until they got there. She turned to them and started.
They were holding hands.
There was a light blush to Lucy's cheeks and she was smiling coyly, which was shocking to Ronnie Anne; she had never seen Lucy with any expression but neutral. Honestly, she didn't think Lucy was capable of smiling.
Was it just her...or were they acting really suspicious?
Lucy went off to the swings and Lincoln and Ronnie Anne walked the trail around the pond. Bullfrogs sat on lily pads and bugs flew low over the water. A line of ducks, each smaller than the last, glided across the surface and a fish jumped up from the depths, snagging a fly in its mouth before disappearing again. "So...Lucy," she said.
"What about her?" Lincoln asked.
"Nothing," Ronnie Anne said, "you guys just, uh, seem closer."
Lincoln chuckled. "Yeah, we've bonded a lot over the past couple of months. Sometimes she's like my shadow."
Hmm.
What kind of bonding have you two done, Linc?
Out loud, she said, "Interesting."
Meanwhile, across town, Jordan and Stella moseyed along the store lined promenade of the Royal Mills Mall. Bright sunshine spilled in through the skylight windows and water chugged and bubbled in a big fountain dominating the lobby opening off the main entrance. Families and gangs of teenagers wandered the corridor like restless spirits, bags from high end shops clutched in their hands, and a fat security guard with a walrus mustache stood near a cell phone kiosk, arms crossed over his chest and eyes oscillating to see everyone and everything. Stella looked anxiously around and Jordan plodded along with her hands unconsciously balled into fists and her shoulders squared. She was a strong and determined girl, and that oozed through in the way she spoke, carried herself, and interacted with others. One of her teachers called her "headstrong" and she wore that as a badge of honor. Yes, she was headstrong; when she put her mind to something, she did it, no ifs, ands, or buts. Right now, her mind was on finding Leni and getting to the bottom of this mystery. She knew Lincoln was dipping his little beanie weenie in family ink but she didn't know whose. For her money, Leni was their girl. That whole retarded sunshine roll shit was totally an act. Underneath her derpy exterior, she was an evil genius or something.
Jordan just knew it.
"Where is she?" Stella asked.
By now, they had come to the food court for the fifth or sixth time since entering the building.
"I don't know," Jordan said. "She can't be far, though. Ronnie Anne said she was coming this way." Without breaking her stride, Jordan pulled out her phone and checked the text Ronnie Anne had sent her. It came through almost forty five minutes ago. She didn't know the exact distance between the Loud house and the mall, but it couldn't have been more than a couple miles. Chances were, Leni was -
"Oh. that's totes cute."
Jordan came to a halt. "I think I heard Leni," Stella said.
"So did I," Jordan said. She looked around and started. She grabbed Jordan and pointed. "There! Leni off the port bow."
Leni and a group of her friends were in a Victoria's Secret across the way. Leni held up a lacy black see through thing and half-lidded her eyes. "I think my boyfriend will like this."
Boyfriend, huh? Jordan didn't know Leni had a boyfriend,
Neither did Leni's friends, apparently. "Oooh," one of them said, "what's his name? Is he cute?"
The girls mobbed Leni for details but she put the lingerie back and ignored them. "I can't say much about him," she said, "our relationship is secret. I can say he's younger than me."
Jordan was so excited by this development that she pulled Stella into a headlock. "Holy shit, Stell, did you hear that?"
Stella issued a strangled sound that Jordan didn't register. This was insane, Leni basically just admitted to being the one getting down and dirty with Lincoln. She never in her wildest dreams expected an honest to God confession, and so soon. She thought she and Stella would have to follow her around all day hoping and praying for some obscure clue that might make sense if you tilted your head and squinted your eyes. But this...this was major. Leni came right out and said she was seeing younger guy. Who could that guy be, you might ask? Lincoln. It was Lincoln. Of that, Jordan had no doubt.
She came back to reality when Stella started to thrash. "Let me go," she choked, "I can't breathe."
Whoops.
Jordan undhanded her and she gasped for air. "Sorry," Jordan said sheepishly. "I was just excited, is all. We know who the dirty brother-fucker is."
"We don't know for sure," Stella cautioned.
That made Jordan roll her eyes. "Of course we do. She pretty much said it."
"She didn't actually say it was Lincoln."
"No, because if she did, her friends would rightfully desert her."
"I don't know," Stella worried.
Slapping Stella on the back, Jordan said, "Trust me. But just because I'm in a good mood, I'll humor you."
For the next two hours, they followed Leni through the mall, keeping out of sight the best they could. When Leni and her friends finally parted, it was mid-afternoon. Leni waited at the bust stop in front of the mall, then got on, Stella and Jordan running to catch up. Instead of getting off at Franklin, she got off at Wickline Street. Jordan and Stella followed her to a tiny pink house with ugly lime green siding. "What's this place?" Jordan asked.
Leni knocked on the door, and a minute later, Skippy came out. The moment he saw her, his face brightened. He hugged her - well, her legs, since he was so short - and squeezed her butt. She bent over and they kissed, their tongues furiously lapping and licking one another. Stella and Jordan's jaw dropped. "My parents aren't home," Skippy said and took her hand.
"Good," Leni replied, "like, neither are my panties."
They went inside and shut the door behind them.
For a long time, Stella and Jordan were both too shocked to speak, then Stella said, "I told you so."
Jordan threw back her head and let out a growl of frustration.
Hopefully Clyde and Cristina were having better luck.
They weren't.
It was past three in the afternoon and they had been sitting in a crowded auditorium for the past three hours watching shitty local bands duke it out for the title of Royal Woods Rock God. The first act was called 2 Guyz & a Macbook - it was literally two hipsters with Shrillex hair playing remixes of Goblin songs on their laptop. The second was called Pickin' On Nickelback; they played bluegrass covers of Nickelback songs. Clyde hated the real thing, but the banjo shit was somehow even worse. Clyde pinched the bridge of his nose and took a series of deep breaths, wondering for the millionth time if this was even worth it. Since he was a boy - well, a younger boy than he was now - he had been in love with Lori Loud, and the prospect of her being with someone else, anyone else, made him want to throw up. He did his level best to break her and Bobby up, but unfortunately, his best wasn't good enough. Now, he had the sinking feeling that she was with Lincoln.
He and Cristina chatted as they waited for Luna to take the stage. At one point, she asked him why he was so upset by Lori potentially being with Lincoln. "I mean, it's disgusting, but she obviously doesn't want to be with you. Why keep pushing it?"
Clyde didn't have an easy answer to that. Taking a deep breath, he turned away to hide his pain and shame. "I know she doesn't want to be with me. I came to terms with that a long time ago. I just…" he trailed off and swallowed around a lump of emotion in his throat. "It hurts. It hurts that I'm so undesirable that she'd rather be with her own brother instead of me. That's the ultimate rejection and I can't deal with that. My parents -"
He cut himself off.
"What?" Cristina pressed. She had twisted around in her seat and watched him with an expression of sympathetic concern. Clyde tried to meet her eyes but couldn't. His face burned with shame and he blinked back a rush of tears. It wasn't important, he told himself, it didn't matter anymore. The past was the past and there was nothing you could do to change it. That calmed him enough to say, "My own parents rejected me, and every time I fail, or lose, or get rejected, I kind of...go back to how that made me feel."
"Your real parents?" she asked. There was a touch of empathy in her voice that made Clyde wince. Every time this topic came up, people talked to him differently, as if he were a fragile baby who needed to be handled with extra caution lest her break.
That was the main reason he never brought it up.
"Yeah," he said. "I know my crush on Lori is weird. It started out normal, I just liked her, you know? But the more she turned me down, the more I wanted her. Not for her, but because I couldn't take being rejected. I had to win in the end. I know that's messed up. I shouldn't even be here. Who cares what she does?" He heaved a deep breath and shook his head to dispel the dark memories swirling in his head. "Who could ever love me? Even my own mother didn't."
When Cristina laid her hand on the back of his, he looked up and her, and she offered a weak smile. "Don't say that. You're great. You're really smart and funny and…" her eyes flicked away. "Kind of cute."
Clyde's blush deepened. Cristina met his gaze and her face was red too. They weaved their fingers together and squeezed. It felt good...it felt right.
Neither noticed Luna and her band taking the stage.
And if they had, they wouldn't have cared.
Back at the Loud house, Ronnie Anne watched closely as Lincoln interacted with his younger sisters. She had been sure that his squeeze was one of the older ones, but after seeing him and Lucy acting like boyfriend and girlfriend at the park, she wasn't so certain. After dinner, Lola took his hand and led him up the stairs, looking back at him with sultry eyes. "Let's go upstairs, Lincy. I want to get physical."
It was her?
Ronnie Anne hurried upstairs and stood outside of Lola's closed door, listening. The sound of grunts and moans drifted forth. Ronnie Anne's heart sank into her chest and she swallowed thickly.
So she was wrong. It wasn't an older girl and it wasn't Lucy. It was Lola...a six year old. Disgust washed through her and blood pounded against her temples. She knew, vaguely, that it was hypocritical to be mad at Lincoln for being with a younger girl and not at an older girl for being with Lincoln, but come on...six. SIX. Ronnie Anne had never in her entire life looked at a six year old and thought "Gee, he's cute, let me have wild monkey sex with him." She barely thought six year olds were cute. For the most part, they were loud, smelly, and annoying, and being around them was hell on earth. She was a normal kid, in other words. Lincoln wasn't. He was a dang dirty pedophile who loved being around little girls. Sick bastard.
Without warning, the door was yanked open from the inside and Ronnie Anne fell. She landed on her hands and knees and instantly popped back to her feet like a cat. Lana stood before her, looking surprised. Behind her, Lincoln and Lola, both dressed in leotards, did calisthenics. Both were red-faced and panting, and from the look on Lincoln's face, he would rather be anywhere else.
"Uh...what are you doing?" Lana asked and raised one brow.
So...they weren't having sex.
LOL.
Wow, talk about a misunderstanding.
"Hey, Ronnie Anne," Lola said, "wanna join our workout?"
Ew, no.
"Uh...I can't, I gotta call my mom."
Without another word, Ronnie Anne spun on her heels and rushed away, feeling equal parts embarrassed and relieved. She went to the bathroom, locked the door, and sat on the closed toilet lid. The John...the only place a girl of eleven could get some peace and quiet. So Lincoln wasn't doing Lucy or Lola; if he was, she had no proof anyway. Though, the more she meditated on Lincoln and Lucy's behavior at the park, the more demented and incesty it seemed. Oh, we bonded, Lincoln had said. That was a crock of shit if Ronnie Anne had ever heard one. Their "bonding" probably involved lots of kissing, touching, and heavy petting. It probably looked like the kind of scene your mom scrambled to fast forward through. It probably smelled like musky butt and sounded like stirring mac and cheese. Yeah, bonding, uh-huh. Sure thing, Linc-o.
A scream rang through the house and Ronnie Anne's blood turned to ice water. "God, yes, Lincoln!" Luna cried.
Luna? What was she doing here? Clyde and Cristina were supposed to text her when she was on her way home!
"Faster, Linc, faster!"
Ay Dios mío, they were having sex!
Ronnie Anne ripped the door open and burst into the hall. Luna and Luan's door stood open. Luna was so horny from the show that she instantly jumped Lincoln's bones and didn't even bother to shut the door. Pervert!
Running to the door, Ronnie Anne peered in.
Luna was playing air guitar and banging her head while Lincoln nodded along.
There was no music.
"Yeah, like that," Luna said, "it was totally sick. Everyone was rockin'."
Ronnie Anne let out a pent up breath that she didn't even realize she was holding. Her shoulders sagged, and she walked aimlessly toward the bathroom. She stopped, pressed her hand to her head, and rapidly blinked her eyes. Was she going crazy? She was seeing incest everywhere and jumping at shadows like a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks every red car that passes their house belongs to the government mind control agency. If she kept on like this, she was going to go completely insane.
Her phone buzzed and she took it out.
Meet me at Flip's.
Jordan.
Sighing, Ronnie Anne shoved her phone back into her pocket and walked the ten blocks to Flip's. The day that had started bright and sunny had turned windy and overcast. The faint smell of rain found Ronnie Anne's nose and the trees lining the way rustled lightly in the wind like the whispering of a thousand phantom voices. She jammed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie and walked at a quick pace, her head down and her brow furrowed deeply. When she got there ten minutes later, she found the others clustered around their usual table, snacks and drinks before them. Flip leaned against the counter and paged through a magazine, occasionally dabbing his brow with a red handkerchief. If Ronnie Anne knew Flip - and she did - he was looking at a Playboy.
Why are guys so freaking gross? Seriously, Flip was standing there and looking at pictures of women's naked bodies in front of everyone. And Lincoln...we all know what he was doing.
Ronnie Anne sat at the table beside Clyde and Cristina. She glanced at them and was surprised to see them…
...holding hands?
What the frick?
Ronnie Anne had known Clyde for...jeez...years, and the whole time, he was madly in love with Lori. He would barely give a girl the time of day because it was "cheating" and he didn't want to upset Lori, even though Lori literally didn't care what he did or who he was with. He thought that she did, however. He treated Lori like she was his wife and he had to build his life around her and what she wanted from him. It was a little extra at first, but outright crazy as time went on. Seeing him openly holding hands with another girl...and looking at her with that hazy little smile that said I'm in love...was shocking to say the least.
Jeez, this vacation was full of surprises.
Before she could acclimate herself, Jordan spoke. "We're pretty sure it's not Leni."
Stella nodded.
"Why?" Ronnie Anne asked.
"Because she's fucking Skippy."
Ronnie Anne blinked. "Skippy? You mean...Lana's friend?"
Again, Stella nodded. "Oh yeah."
"That's kind of sad," Cristina said, "I think Lincoln and Leni would make a great pair."
Clyde shook his head. "I'm a Lynncoln man myself."
Lynncoln? What was that?
"You're an idiot," Jordan said, "Lincucy is the best Loud ship."
Next to her, Stella winced. "Actually, I prefer Lincan."
Suddenly everyone was talking over one another, insulting each other's intelligence and favorite ship while listing all the reasons their personal favorite was superior. Jordan waved Stella off, and Cristina rolled her eyes at Jordan. Cristina agreed that Lynncoln was "a good ship" but hel fast to the belief that Lenicoln was better. Stella called Jordan ``unreasonable" and Jordan responded by taking out her phone. "I am so blocking you on Snapchat," Jordan said.
Stella's jaw dropped. "Fine then, I'm reporting your Instagram page. Enjoy going back to being a nobody."
"Do it and I'll turn your ass into chop suey."
Stella's eyes narrowed. "Racist."
"Gook."
Clyde held up his hand. "Ladies, come on…"
Both Stella and Jordan turned on him. "Shut up, autist," Stella said.
"Your ship is garbage," Jordan said, "Lynn is trans anyway."
Now that pissed Clyde off. "No she's not Lucy is."
"Take that back," Jordan growled.
Clyde moved his head from side to side like a garden sprinkler. "Trans, trans, trans, trans."
Ronnie Anne's head spun. Were these people really sitting here and treating Lincoln and his sisters like freaking anime characters to be mixed and matched in pieces of fan art? What the fuck? "What's your favorite ship, Ronnie Anne?" Cristina asked.
"None of them," Ronnie Anne cried. "They're all gross and disgusting. Loudcest is straight up filth. What happened to you guys being against it?"
Clyde shrugged. "I have a girlfriend now, so I don't really care what Lori does anymore."
"Being with Clyde has helped me get over how creepy Lincoln is," Cristina declared.
"I mean...it's not so bad," Stella said. "As long as they're happy and not hurting anyone, why should I care?"
Jordan grinned. "I just like drama."
Jesus frucking Christ, Ronnie Anne couldn't believe this. They were treating this as some kind of sick reality show. Meanwhile, Lincoln was having sex with one of his sisters. Didn't they realize how wrong that was? It was wrong on literally every level she could think of. She said so, and everyone favored her with a dirty look. "We're done worrying about how somehow else lives their life," Jordan said. "Aside from the entertainment value."
"I haven't had this much fun since I was a little kid," Stella admitted.
"Me either," Jordan said.
Ronnie Anne pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. Insanity, she was surrounded by insanity. Have you ever been the only one in a group, a crowd, a nation, thinking clearly, and everyone else is completely off their rocker? You know how it feels to say something perfectly reasonable only to have everyone look at you like you're the psycho? That's what she felt right now. "I know how Dave Chapelle feels," she said.
"Anyway," Jordan said, "have you found anything out?"
"No," she said instantly. She really hadn't, but even if she had, she wouldn't share it with them; she refused to encourage their sick fascination. They were just as bad as Flip drooling over pictures of naked women.
"If you find out who it is, let us know," Jordan said.
"Lynn," Clyde stated.
"No, Leni," Cristina retorted.
That was it. Ronnie Anne got up and walked away. Outside, the sun peeked through the clouds and cast a heavenly ray of brilliance on a pothole in the parking lot. Fuming, Ronnie Anne fisted her hands and stormed off in the direction of the Loud house. She was mad because they weren't taking this seriously...but also maybe a little bit because she realized that she, too, was attracted to the "drama" of the whole thing.
Was she any better than them? Was she really?
She reached 1216 Franklin Avenue and went up the wall, her lips pursed in thought. She stopped when she realized something was wrong. Rather, that something was missing. The van, affectionately called Vanzilla, wasn't in the driveway.
The Louds must have gone somewhere.
She tried the doorknob.
It didn't turn.
Ronnie Anne threw back her head and let out a frustrated sigh. Well, this is nice. She checked her phone on the off chance that Lincoln had texted her but, as she suspected, there was nothing. Maybe someone was still home.
She knocked and rang the doorbell, but no one answered. She fired off a text to Lincoln - where are you? - and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
After five minutes, she lashed out and kicked the door. Pain exploded up her leg and she danced back on one leg like a Mexican pogo stick. Ow, damn it!
Now she was mad.
Sitting down and waiting for the Louds was an option, but she didn't feel like doing that, so she went around to the back door. That, too, was locked. Great, what now? She backed up and craned her neck to look up at the house. The windows were dark and reflected the light of the sun like the surface of still waters. It almost seemed as though the place was winking at her.
That's it, the windows. Maybe one of them was open. She walked slowly around the house testing every window she came to. Every one of them was locked. She stopped, put her hands on her hips, and drew a sigh. What was she going to do -?
Her eyes went to the basement window.
It was open.
She got down on her knees and checked it. It would be a tight fit but she could get through.
Laying on her back, she slithered in feet first, dropping to the concrete floor below. Her knees bent and she stumbled forward. She dusted herself off like she fell and went up the steps. In the kitchen, she grabbed a soda from the fridge and cracked it open. She took a long, thirsty drink and went into the living room, plopping down on the couch. She kicked her feet up on the table, grabbed the remote, and pointed it at the TV. There wasn't much on at this time of day but if she was lucky, she might catch the last half of one of the telenovellas she watched with her grandmother. She hovered her finger over the button but a sound stopped her.
It sounded like a moan.
Her blood froze and she reflexively sat up straight, her grip tightening on the remote. What the fuck was that? A ghost? A zombie?
It came again, and this time, she recognized it.
Lincoln.
Before she knew what she was doing, she was creeping up the steps, her hand trailing on the bannister. What was he doing? Who was he with? Was this just another false alarm? Probably. She was probably going to find him and Lynn wrestling or him fake laughing at Luan's dumb new routine.
What if she was wrong? What if he wasn't having sex with one of his sisters? What if it was another girl? What if all of this was just a big misunderstanding and she was purely paranoid? That thought gave her pause. She thought of Jordan saying "I like drama." Maybe all of this was a willful or even subconscious invention, a juicy piece of nothing cooked up by a bored small town girl as a way to kill time.
She didn't believe that.
Did she?
At Lincoln's door, she pressed her ear to the wood and listened. "Yes," Lincoln moaned, "oh, God, faster."
The bed squeaked.
Ronnie Anne swallowed and knelt, eye to the keyhole. She could just make out what was happening. Lincoln laid back on his bed as before, someone under the covers and bobbing their head up and down.
Yeah, no mistake about it.
The front door opened and Ronnie Anne's heart jumped into her throat. She looked around and ran into Lola and Lana's room, slipping beneath the bed. She laid there for a long time before coming out and sneaking downstairs. Luna, Lana, Leni, and Lucy sat on the couch, Lori sat in the armchair texting, and Lincoln played with Lily on the floor. "Hey, Ronnie Anne," Lincoln said, "when did you get back?"
"A few minutes ago," she lied.
"I didn't see you," Lincoln said.
She shrugged but did not respond.
A little while later, when everyone was distracted, Ronnie Anne went upstairs, grabbed the recorder from under Lincoln's bed, and played it back. When she stopped, Lincoln's voice issued forth. God, I love your pussy.
His girlfriend giggled.
Ronnie Anne could not tell who it was.
I love the way your butt tastes, Lincoln said huskily. I love putting my fingers in you.
Put your dick in me, his girlfriend said.
In an instant, Ronnie Anne knew who it was.
When a voice spoke behind her, she jumped. "You really couldn't leave it alone, could you?"
Ronnie Anne jumped to her feet and turned. Lori stood in the doorway to the hall, her arms crossed and her brows angled down in an angry V. Ronnie Anne blinked in surprise and fumbled for a reply. "You?" was all she could manage.
"Yes, okay?" Lori asked. "Me."
Ronnie Anne's head spun. "But...Bobby…"
Being reminded that she had a boyfriend brought Lori's rage down. She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "I know, okay? But with him being gone, I'm so lonely and Lincoln...Lincoln's great. He's so kind and sweet and considerate and cute and -"
"Related to you."
"But only by blood."
Ronnie Anne laughed at the sheer absurdity of it all. "Bobby loves you and he's been faithful to you this whole time. He's had girls interested in him but he turned them all down. You think he's not sad and lonely? He is but he loves you. He made sacrifices for you. You can't do the same for him?"
"It's not like that," Lori said weakly.
"Yes it is. You're a selfish fucking whore with no loyalty and no decency. Not only did you cheat on a guy who loves you and treats you well, you did it with your little brother of all people." The more she spoke, the more angry she became. She was mad at the injustice of it all, mad that Lori would do this to Bobby, mad at all of it. "There's no reason you had to go for your brother. Oh, he's cute and sweet, so are a lot of other guys. Don't delude yourself, you're a slut and pervert and you and Lincoln can both go to hell."
Lori started sobbing and Ronnie Anne stormed out. In the hall, Lincoln appeared, looking confused. "What's wrong?"
Lashing out, Ronnie Anne punched him so hard in the chest that he gasped and fell back against the wall. "You fucked my brother's girlfriend. Your sister." She hit him with an uppercut to the stomach and he dropped to his knees.
Downstairs, she handed the tape recorder to Mr. and Mrs. Loud. "You should hear this," she said, "Lincoln and Lori are having sex."
Mrs. Loud went white and Mr. Loud's jaw dropped. Leni, Luna, Luan, and Lucy all looked disgusted. "What?" Luan asked.
"Just listen."
With that, Ronnie Anne grabbed her bag and left. As she walked down the path to the street, she heard Mr. and Mrs. Loud roar, "LINCOLN! LORI!"
On her way to the bus station, she called her mom and told her the situation. Mom wired her bus fare Western Union and held off telling Bobby until Ronnie Anne got home.
That was the last time Ronnie Anne ever went to Royal Wods.
THE END