Disclaimer: All rights belong to J.K. Rowling, this fanfiction was written not for profit, but for fun.
Disclaimer 2: This is a translation of a Russian fanfiction "Гермиона Грэйнджер и другие способы разрушить Хогвартс к Рождеству" by Живоглот и Косолапсус. Unfortunately, this website does not allow any links. The original fanfiction can be found on Hogwartsnet. I am a translator, not the author.
XXX
"WHAT, IN THE NAME OF SALAZAR, IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!"
The usual sarcastic intonation disappeared from Severus Snape's voice as he himself began to look like an over-boiling cauldron. Even his left eye started to twitch – an entirely bad omen.
"…NIGHT!" continued the professor, spitting out the words.
The Gryffindorian clenched his broom handle nervously.
"THE HEADMASTER'S OFFICE!"
The young man couldn't help but glance at the door, opened just a minute ago by the owner of the said office.
"…THE BROKEN WINDOW!"
Yes, in Snape's brief recap, this situation sounded pretty bleak indeed. The professor, in the meantime, triumphantly concluded his accusatory speech, hissing even more than usual:
"AND IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS YOU ARE WITH A BROOM! WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME THE COURTESY OF AN EXPLANATION," and with a slightly gravelly voice in which his astonishment was clearly evident he added: "Longbottom?"
"B…but lights out haven't been called yet" murmured the above-mentioned Longbottom with the first thing that sprung to his mind, but at the sight of the blood draining from the professor's face, making him look even more like a corpse, he quickly corrected himself. "I'm sorry, sir! I swear, sir! It's not my fault! My broom was blown away by the wind! And I... and me... and the window –"
"OUUUT!" Snape's finger, sharp as a bird's claw, shot up towards the door. There was no need for a second invitation.
"100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND YOU WILL WASH THE ASTRONOMY TOWER! FROM TOP TO BOTTOM!" the pulsing-with-rage voice flew after the hurriedly fleeing student.
His trembling legs made an attempt to cling to the last step, but that's where Hermione came to the rescue. With one hand she pushed the Extendable Ears back into her robes pocket and with the other she grabbed her classmate by the arm and dragged him along the corridor so swiftly that the tails of her robes rose behind her almost as infernally as Professor Snape's usually did.
Continuing to squeeze Neville's arm, she flung open the door of the toilet with her foot and pushed her prisoner inside.
"Boy's" he said, sluggishly resisting. But Hermione did not seem embarrassed. With one flick of her wand she cast a soundproofing charm on the room and turned to her interlocutor with such a furious face that in comparison even Snape's looked just a little irritated.
"You idiot!" she bellowed, and the Gryffindorian hurriedly went into explanations:
"I swear I wasn't going to break the window! I tried Alohomora, as we agreed, but apparently it was protected by other spells! And then I saw the Sorting Hat through the glass – right under my nose, you know? All I had to do was pull the sword out of it, Snape wouldn't even notice it'd gone! Who knew that jerk would return so suddenly?! And if you're talking about the Invisibility Cloak, I took it off on purpose when I realised that Snape was already outside the door and I was still lying in splinters of glass! Do you think he wouldn't have had the brains to lock up the office and search every inch of it? And how would I explain to him that I have Harry Potter's cloak? That's why I preferred to show myself up and talk pure gibberish – better if he just thinks of me as a complete idiot than –"
"You are a complete idiot," Hermione groaned doomingly, handing him a flask. "Drink and don't wince so dramatically. It's not about what you said to him, Harry. The thing is, Neville wouldn't've said anything, but would've gone speechless and just wheezed with fear."
That was a fair point… Harry rubbed his forehead out of habit, caught another of Hermione's annoyed looks and cursed under his breath. Merlin, it would probably have been better if he'd transformed into Lavender Brown!
XXX
Only a month ago their plan had appeared to be quite feasible. Almost immediately after the announcement of Dumbledore's will, it became clear that they would have to return to Hogwarts. Firstly, after giving the question much thought, it seemed reasonable to assume that at least one of the Horcruxes was hidden in the castle – the place where Voldemort, for the first time in his life, had felt the true power of his magic. It gave meaning to the otherwise idiotic returning of the aspiring Dark Lord with a request for a teaching post – and that's when his dark-magical inclinations were already well-known to Dumbledore. Having such plans for the future, it was highly unlikely that Tom Riddle had really desired to acquire the position. However, one might've logically presumed that it had been on that brief visit to Hogwarts that he had hidden his Horcrux, whatever it was, in the depths of the ancient castle.
Secondly, the sword of Gryffindor was kept in the headmaster's office. And since Dumbledore had seen fit to bequeath it to Harry, – with the certain realisation that this clause in his will would arouse the interest of both the Ministry and the Death Eaters, – then their House relic was destined to play an important role in this war, and therefore it would be a dreadful mistake to leave a potential weapon in the hands of their enemies.
And finally, there was a man in the school, whom half of wizarding Britain hated almost as much as the Dark Lord himself. A traitor, a murderer, an informer, a Death Eater and, for almost a whole week, the new headmaster of Hogwarts – Severus Snape. His proximity to Voldemort gave a hypothetical opportunity to somehow learn about the plans of the dark side and prevent their implementation. Unfortunately, the key word here still remained 'hypothetically'...
However, considering the large reward offered by the Ministry for capturing Harry Potter, it would seem highly unwise to return to school with a proudly raised head and its distinctive lightning bolt scar. Hermione, being a worthy disciple of Professor McGonagall, had suggested transfiguring Harry into someone else. She had even brought, as a sample, a pile of Muggle magazines with posters of handsome lead singers of various bands inserted in the middle of them. Nevertheless, given the fact that this year many parents had chosen not to send their children to an educational establishment headed by a killer and All-Know-Who's supporter, the appearance of a new face, against the backdrop of a missing Potter, would have caused too much suspicion. Besides, to transfigure himself was beyond Harry's power, and even Hermione had managed to do it successfully only half the time. (Once they'd had to wait a whole week before his hair had lost an exotic blue tint.)
That's why the news from Neville, whose grandmother had categorically refused to let him go back to school, had come at just the right time. Despite Augusta Longbottom's dream of making a hero out of her grandson, she firmly believed that in view of Mr and Mrs Longbottom's past and the dubious talents of their son, his stay at Hogwarts would be a serious threat to the continuation of their bloodline.
The trio had learnt brewing Polyjuice Potion back in their second year (luckily Neville's flavour was much more acceptable than Goyle's). The next step had also gone smoothly: they'd enlisted the support of not only Neville, but also of his grandmother, who promised to supply her grandson's hair in the right amount via owl post.
And then their problems began.
Neville could not play Quidditch, fly on a broom without subsequent fractures, succeed in any other subject than Herbology, rub the scar on his forehead, squint at a blackboard, cast a stag Patronus, and to top it all, apparently, say in front of Professor Snape's divine countenance any words more articulate than a convulsive wheeze.
Harry sighed a long sigh…
It was the second week of classes and their first attempt to steal the sword from Snape had just failed miserably.
"And now I have to wash the tower all night long," complained Harry, watching Hermione chewing her lip in concentration.
"Uh-huh," she nodded thoughtfully, and it became clear that he would get no sympathy from her.