Chapter 7

It was getting warmer. The soccer team was practicing outside again. Third period was my absolute worst period. All of the 9th graders were required by the state to take a physical education course. We were allowed one more elective. Mine was fifth period and it was my favorite time of the day. I had American literature. Although it wasn't fifth period just yet. It was third, right before lunch. I dreaded it every single day. I hated being stuck in a gym for 55 minutes 7 days a week for 9 weeks with bullies and other more profound athletes. Justice wasn't in my class. He didn't had P.E. until 7th period. His third period was Geography. I had Geography 7th period. We all had to change out of our clothes and wear P.E. uniforms. I was frequently uncomfortable in the locker room. We as 9th graders had to share half the court with 10th graders. So there were lots of guys a year older than me in the locker room as well as the guys from my class. One in particular was Josh.

Josh was my crush. He was everything I ever dreamed about. We don't really speak. I mess up my words around him and I'm constantly nervous. When we do speak he does most of the talking. He bullies me like the others but not as much and definitely not as bad as the others.

He mostly picked on me in an encouraging way to force me to do better. I think he wanted me to break out of my shell or something. That's they way I took it anyway. It was so hard to stay mad or upset at him. I was too madly in love with him.

I filled my diary up with fantasies about us. I even wrote a wedding fanfiction about the two of us in great detail. I loved wedding planning. I knew just what I'd wear and what sort of food we'd have.

I also wrote some pretty explicit stuff. I didn't mean too but sometimes late at night to get my mind off my things I would write some pretty dirty things I wanted Josh to do to me. I wasn't proud of it, but it was an escape for me. It was a better outlet than touching myself anyway. I often changed in the stall to avoid eye contact with anyone. I didn't want to look at anyone specifically and I didnt want them looking at me. Especially Josh. If he even glances at me, not even in a sexual way; but his eyes just happen to find mine I start to feel weak. I get pretty hot and I wait for the excitement in my shorts to die down before I actually get on the court. I've hid lots of times from the other guys just to shield myself from their cruel words.

I get teased for my body size. I'm pretty small for my age, not to mention short. High school gym is probably one of the most challenging things I face all day. We normally do stretches first, then we run laps, and then coach has us play a sport of our choosing. The guys almost always wanted to play basketball. Which I suck at.

"Josh over here, I'm open!" A guy screamed. Josh threw him the ball and pushed me out of the way.

"Come on Tennyson, come on; your brother plays better than that! Get up!" The coach yelled. Even he degraded me.

I tried to get back on defense and ran down to the other end of the court. The team threw the ball up and it didn't quite go in. I jumped up to grab it only I missed and it bounced just off the tip of my fingers. The other team caught it. Coach groaned.

"Rebound Tennyson! Rebound, have you heard of that, Jesus Christ!" He hollered.

Before too long he pulled me out. I sat on the bench and watched the others play. But I didn't mind it. The bench is where I wanted to be in the first place.

After P.E. we showered and changed back into our regular clothes. I normally waited until everyone left to shower. I opened my locker and pulled out my book bag. My diary hit the floor. I reached down to pick it up and one of the guys picked it up first.

"What you got there Jesse-boy?"

"My math notes...give it back Damon."

"Math notes? I don't see any numbers except...whoa guys get a load of this today's date...dear diary."

The others busted out laughing.

"You carry a diary?" Another one spoke out.

"How like a girl!"

"What a loser!"

"I mean...diary...journal Whatever; it's just a schedule type thing." I tried to explain.

"Josh come here."

I gulped.

"Read one of this loser's passages."

"Come on guys lay off...if he wants to keep a notebook he...hey...hey that's my name. What the hell is this?!"

I backed up and prepared to run.

"Whoa...Josh...Wait what's that say?"

They began reading one of my explicit short stories to themselves. Josh's face grew red. He then glared at me. My heart sank like a rock.

"Is this a joke Tennyson?" He asked.

"Uh...of course it's a joke...I-"

"Who is he kidding Josh, your name is in here like a billion times and it's pretty disgusting too."

Josh walked over to me. He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and hoisted me up. He then pushed me into my own locker.

"I got a reputation around here Jesse, now all these guys are gonna think I'm a fruit cup because of you."

"Teach him a lesson Josh." One of his friends piped in.

"Shut up, I'm gonna. In fact I'm going beat you up so bad it's not even gonna be funny...all this time when you stared at me...you were thinking that stuff...no wonder you were so different from your brother you ain't nothing but a damn fag...and boys this fag has been with us this entire time...checking out all of us...secretly crushing on all of us...ploting on us and getting ideas. He's lower than dirt and I think...I think we should show him where he fits in. Like..."

He punched me in the stomach. I grunted and dropped to my knees holding my abdomen.

"On the floor!"

He kicked me repeatly.

"Do you like me now?! Huh?! How 'bout now!"

The others just watched and smirked. Some laughed as Josh beat me. The pain was unreal. My body cried out and begin to sting. My heart hurt the worst. This was the man I had fondled over for almost a year. He wasn't the man I originally believed him to be. All of his words and empty threats did mean something. He had a hatred for me that grew once he knew the truth. Just as I thought it would.

I was fool. I was spineless. I couldn't stand up to him. I couldn't shut my eyes tight enough to make it go away. He tried to show out in front of his buddies by displaying how strong was. It was pathetic because even in a fair fight he'd still win because of my size. I was a joke. I was filth. I was unfit to even be in their presence.

Mixing with my tears I began to see blood. Red. That's all I could see. A color once meant for love and passion, turned into hate and discretion. I began to cry which made things worse.

When he finished stomping me he spat in my direction. As if I was trash. Damon threw my diary at me.

"Don't forget this Jesse...we all just did you a favor...you write that shit...speak of it...or even think it we will beat you senseless."

Josh grabbed his book bag and left. The others began to follow. My blood was the on the floor. I sniffled. There was blood leaking out of my nose. The bell rang. It was lunchtime but I was to physically and emotionally distraught to continue the school day.

I took a quick shower. The water was painful as it hit every bruise Josh gave me. I finally got my nose to stop bleeding. A black eye was forming and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I gathered my things and exited the gym.

Everyone would be in the cafeteria by now. I took a seat on the concrete parking lot near the gymnasium. I began to cry audible sobs. I couldn't get the tears to stop. I tried to collect myself as I took out my phone. As I scrolled through the contact list I came across Justice's name.

If I texted him or even called I knew he wouldn't answer. I sniffled and saw my sister's phone number. My fingers trembled as I hit the call button. I knew she'd answer. I decided to have her come get me. I couldn't stay at that school another minute.

After I called her she came as fast as she could. She was frantic with worry. I tried to tell her that everything was alright, but she knew the truth. After much deliberation she finally got the truth out of me.

"He beat me up because..." I tried to hold back my tears. Only it didn't work because they spilled out anyway.

"I liked him...Harmione...like...really liked him."

"Really?"

My hands shook with fear.

"I...Harmione the reason I turned down that date with Tabby is because I...Harmione, I think I'm gay."

There was a brief pause between us.

"Please don't hate me..." I sobbed.

"Oh Jesse..."

She wrapped me in a hug.

"I don't care...whatever you feel...you find that charmed life Dad found with mom. You discover that charmed life I found with Charlie...I don't care how or who with, but you find it Jesse...and I'll be here for you until I die...You're my brother and I love you, you understand?"

I just shook my head yes in her arms and sobbed. She held me until I calmed down.

"Now..." She began and wiped tears away from her own eyes. "Let's go get some food and you can stay at my place. I'll tell Dad and Mom some punk beat you up, but I took care of it, okay?"

I nodded.

"This is our secret now."

Our secret didn't stay a secret for very long.