Chapter 10
I sat under the water for a while. I couldn't stand. I felt too weak, because I lost so much blood. Justice and those monsters left me alone. Though I was glad they hurt me and not Justice. I saw him. Between the cuts and the torture he was hurting too. It was that suit. I knew he hated me, but for almost a month that wasn't the Justice I knew. It wasn't his fault and it sure as hell wasn't mine. We were both fighting, but not with each other; but among ourselves.
I was frightened by what just happened, but I grew even more afraid when Tyson said he'd like to do this to other people. More people might get hurt and one of them might be Justice.
I wanted to help him, but I had to help myself first. I was so embrassed and in pain. I couldn't believe that those guys actually forced me into a climatic sexual act and watched. I crawled to my locker and took out my clothes. It hurt to put them on. Anything that touched my skin no matter how soft the fabric rubbed against my cuts and made them worse. As I pulled my shirt down over my stomach I began to bleed through my shirt.
I grunted and reached up for the paper towels. Only I couldn't reach them. I quickly took my phone out of my bag. My vision began to blur. I was going to faint.
I took my gym shirt out of my locker and put it up against my stomach. That cut was the worst. I didn't have any choice I had to call 911. My sister wouldn't make in time, besides she had enough to deal with. I was too scared to call mom and dad.
"911 Bellwood Dispatch."
"Hi...my name is Jesse...I'm 14 and I'm at Bellwood High in the gym, in the boys locker room on the left side..."
"Okay Jesse, what seems to be the problem?"
"I...I'm on the verge of passing out...I...I got in a fight and I'm bleeding...badly..."
"We are sending someone there now, can you stay on the line until they get there."
"I...I can try but I...My stomach it...its been cut open...I can't stop bleeding..."
"Jesse, calm down and listen carefully...please keep compression on your stomach until help arrives."
"I...I'm trying...my hand is cut pretty badly too...I..."
I saw red, then black. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
"Miss I'm scared I'm gonna pass out!"
"Don't move around too much; help is coming Jesse."
I heard the locker room door open. It was help, but it wasn't the paramedics it was Coach.
"Jesse what are you still doing in- my god!"
He ran over to me and took my phone.
"Jesse, what happened, who did this to you?!"
My breathing became shallow.
"Jess...stay with me..."
I felt him press his hand into my stomach. I screamed and grunted furiously.
"Easy...easy I have to keep pressure there. Hello...this is Coach Wilson. Jesse's P.E. teacher."
"We've sent an ambulance to your location Coach Wilson."
"Jesse...look up at me boy."
I couldn't. I placed my head back on the wall and closed my eyes. I could feel my pulse in the compression of my stomach. It began to feel like a sharp jolt every time my heart would beat. I was going to bleed out. I groaned.
"It's okay...it's gonna be alright..."
His voice began to slow. I saw his lips move but I couldn't hear a sound. Instead I heard a ringing. He morphed into two people and blurred. I couldn't help it, but I fainted.
When I awoke I was in a hospital bed. My arms, chest, and stomach were bandaged. I had bruising on my genitals. I sat up slowly and groaned. Everything hurt. It felt like I hadn't moved in days. A nurse entered my room.
"Jesse...your mother will be here soon."
"My...mom?"
I didn't want Mom. If my memory serves me, I awoke once before in the ambulance. I told them I wanted to see Harmione. When she came she went against my wishes and brought our parents with her. She told them I got hurt pretty bad. I was so upset.
"Did you tell them everything?!" I screamed loudly at her. "Everything?!
"No...I thought you could tell them the rest?" She replied sadly.
"Tell us what?" Dad exclaimed.
"Did Justice have something to do with this?" Mom piped in.
"No." Harmione replied and stared at me. Her eyes pleaded with me to tell them the truth. A lining of tears formed in my eyes. I just shook my head. I couldn't say. I couldn't tell them that Justice had a hand in hurting me. I was so loyal to him. I loved him so much; despite everything that happened between us. I had to say something. Only I couldnt tell them about Justice. I didn't want too. I faced my fear and said something else entirely. I whimpered and sobbed hysterically. It was time. It was time they knew. I'm tired of hiding behind it.
"Jesse." Dad exclaimed and touched my shoulder.
"Sweetie." Mom whispered softly.
I couldn't contain my sobs. I began to scream and cry. Harmione just stared at me with tears in her own eyes.
"I'm gay." I sobbed and trembled all over. "I'm gay..." "And I'm so sorry... I'm sorry..."
I held my hand over my mouth to try and silence my cries. It didn't work. Dad left the room, he couldn't take it. Mom followed him.
"Jesse..." Harmione began.
"Please just go away..."
"Jess."
"Leave Harmione!"
She did as I said. I cried more but not for myself. I had kept that a secret for so long that saying it felt more like a relief. I began to cry for my brother. He was with those guys and he was headed for more trouble than he knows. I was scared for him. I know Harmione was just trying to do the right thing. I forgave her. I wasn't so sure I could forgive myself. They were right; I brought this upon Justice and I. I needed to put it right.
The doctor's told me that my cuts were deep but would heal up in a few weeks to a few months time. They said they would leave life long scars. As for my genitals they informed me not to be so rough during sexual stimulation. I was repulsed. I didn't do it but I couldn't tell them that. They recommended I see a good therapist. Dad was against it at first. Until the flashbacks started up.
It began a few days after I was released from the hospital. Justice phoned Mom and told her he'd be staying with Tyson for a few days. Said they had a lot of practicing to do. I knew what that meant. They were out there hurting people. I also knew it meant Justice couldn't face me and he was getting worse.
I hardly saw much of Justice or those other guys. They were now skipping school. I had my first flashback during 6th period biology. Mr. Hamilton lead the class in a dissecting of frogs assignment. The girls were completely grossed out. The frogs were already dead but seeing the others scrap them with their scalpels only reminded me of Tyson slashing me with his knife. My hand trembled as I held it over the frog. Underneath my hoodie and the watch on my left wrist was the first cut Tyson gave me.
"No..." I breathed. I remembered when the blade touched my skin. I began to feel the pain again as if it had just happened. There was a flash and I remembered the second cut. Then the third. I was reliving the moment again. My body felt cold. I felt exposed, naked and terrified. I dropped the scalpel and began to cry. The flashbacks clouded my brain. I couldn't think of anything else.
"Mr. Tennyson?"
I looked up, the class was staring at me and Mr. Hamilton walked over to me.
"Jesse, are you alright?...do you need any help?...I know not all students like cutting into the frogs but it's how we learn about their anatomy within. Here I'll show you...watch me closely now. Class it might be a good idea for you all to watch."
I stood next to him my legs shaking. He picked up the scalpel from the floor. He then cleaned it off at the sink. It began to shine in my direction. I felt the cut on my stomach when Tyson and Sean took turns. My knees buckled as my brain flashed again. I could see Sean's face laughing as he drove his blade down into my stomach. Mr. Hamilton did the same on the frog.
"So we cut down the middle like so...everyone does have their worksheet correct? Very good, you'll need it to help you label everything. Now we will move down between the frog's legs be careful not to cut him in half now. "He said with a laugh.
As he showed the class more of the lesson I tried not to draw attention to myself. Like being hit with a whip there was another flash. Tyson attempted to cut me below the belt. I turned away. I couldn't watch. I began to hyperventilate.
"Jesse?" I heard Mr. Hamilton ask. "Why don't you go to the nurse...I don't think it's the frog that you need help with, and take that book on my desk back to the library on your way there...off you go."
I was glad to get out of there. I was still having a problem breathing. I went to the nurse. She gave me a paper bag to breath into. I was having a panic attack due to visual, somatic, and emotional flashbacks.
"Just try to calm down Jess." The nurse said as she grabbed my wrist to check my pulse. I was shaking and sweating all over. I felt numb and dizzy. My chest was killing me.
"Breathe into the bag for me." She instructed.
I did as she said.
"There you go, just relax..."
I closed my eyes. I didn't picture the locker room anymore. It was getting easier to breathe.
"Good."
The nurse looked at her watch, and checked my pulse again.
"I know the principal said she suffer from self harm."
I told them that so they wouldn't cause any more trouble for Justice.
"Ye...Yes mam."
"Has this ever happened before, these panic attacks?"
"No..."
"It could be that you're fighting back the urge to do yourself harm...I think it would be wise of you to see the school counselor every time you feel that urge."
"Okay...I understand."
"Good...here have a few sips of water."
She handed me a small paper cup. I slowly drank from it and gave it back to her.
"Now...if things don't seem right, come back. Try to refocus on something else, you can keep the bag."
I left to go to the library. As I entered I was hit with an aroma of old books. It was deathly quiet except for the ticking of the clock on the wall. I missed the ending of Biology. It was now 7th period. I went up to the desk. There was a handsome boy sitting there. He had on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a demi button up. Along with a pair of black converse shoes. He had short black shaggy hair and green eyes. I never seen him before. He wasn't in my grade. He must have been in the 10th grade. He was the library aide for 7th period. He stood up and took the book I had with me.
"Ah one of Mr. Hamilton's." He said with a smile. "Hey aren't you Jesse Tennyson?"
"Mm-hm."
"Yeah thought so, man you're pretty popular with the ladies and the drama department."
"The drama department?"
"Yeah...I've been a stage hand for a few of our productions lot of girls talk about you in there. Okay... The next time I see Mr. Hamilton I'll tell him you got his book to me. Thank you have a good day."
I was too nervous to say anything back. I just nodded. When I turned around I was hit with another flashback. I gasped and backed up holding the front desk. I could feel those guys touching me. I began to hyperventilate again.
"Whoa...hey Jess, are you okay? Jess?"
I ran from him and his behind a shelf in the non-fiction section. I sat down and placed my back up against the shelf. I closed my eyes. The pain in my chest was coming back.
"Dude..." It was that guy again.
I gasped when I saw him.
"Ssh it's alright...it's alright. "
He got on his knees near me.
"Panic attack huh, God I hate those...I have one every time I get on an elevator..."
I took out the bag the nurse gave me that I crinkled up and stuffed into my hoodie. I began breathing into it. To my surprise the guy grabbed my hand.
"It's gonna be okay...it'll pass I promise. I know you're scared and confused but it's going to pass."
I closed my eyes. I saw the locker room floor and I heard the switchblade click. I gasped.
The guy stroked my hand with his thumb. He pulled my sleeve up a tad. One of my scars revealed itself.
"How did-"
I pulled my hand away from him.
"Oh...I understand that too...I got some."
He rolled his sleeve up to show me his self harm scars. As he did I saw his watch and a rainbow wristband.
"That...that wristband..." I said through uneven breaths.
"Ssh...don't try to talk yet...try to slow your breathing...take a deep breath."
I did as he said.
"Now try to push as much air out as you can, but blow slowly."
I did that just as he said too.
"Do it again...just keeping doing that."
As I tried to breathe normally again he looked at his wristband.
"Yeah that's from last year's pride event in my hometown. I go every year."
I smiled shyly. He gently took my hand and placed it on my chest. Then he took my other hand and placed it on his.
"This is what my Mom does whenever I have a panic attack. Feel my chest and try to breathe the way I do."
He inhaled and exhaled slowly. With his other hand he began to use his fingers to count as he breathed.
"Mom normally counts up to 10 as I'm breathing. By the time she gets to 10 I should be inhaling again..."
I nodded and took a deep breath.
"Hold it." He stated. "Just for about 5 seconds...and then blow."
I held it for a moment and breathed out as hard as I could.
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1. Breathe in again."
I did. This entire ordeal lasted 10 minutes of me doing that. That guy never left my side for a second. Even when he was supposed to be working. I didn't know him. He didn't owe me a thing, but here he was helping me. I just kept hearing him count over and over and over again. Pretty soon he and I were breathing in sync.
"See?" He said with a smile. "Works everytime."
I stared into his eyes as the moment passed. I still had my hand on his chest and he still had his hand on mine.
"What's your name?"
"Patrick." He grinned. "Patrick McDuffie."
"Patrick...with your bracelet, are you?" I paused and looked away.
"Am I what?"
I looked at him again.
"What? Queer? He asked. "Why is that a problem for you?"
I shook my head and beamed him a smile. He smiled back. He was so precious. We gasped and let go of each other.
"Sorry!" He spoke out.
"I'm sorry! I said about the same time. We then laughed. We grew quiet again and just stared at each other. Patrick brushed my fringe to the side and then patted my head.
"Uh here...since you seem to like it so much you can have it...I got more at home."
He put his wristband on my wrist.
"Well I have to get back to work...come back and see me if you're feeling low around 7th period or something...maybe I could help...or you could find me at lunch...I'd love to have someone to eat and talk with between bites."
He got to his feet and headed back toward the front desk. There were a few students waiting for him. The librarian got angry at him.
"Patrick, where have you been?!"
"Sorry Miss Mann I had to help another student."
"Alright then, just please get these students books checked back in."
"Yes mam."
I looked at his wristband and held my wrist to my nose. It smelled just like him. He had this small hint of cologne on him that smelled like jasmine with a hint of lavender. I smelled the wrist band as I watched him work at the front desk. It made me feel happy, actually happy. He caught me staring and smiled. He then turned his attention back toward the students.
"Sorry can I help you with something."
My eyes widened and my face turned red all the way to my ears. I wanted this guy in my life.