Chapter 14

The next night I finally went back home to my family. There was no need to stay with Tyson anymore. He promised me that after we put up the pictures of Jesse he'd give me my glove back.

"Justice, Jesse!" Mom called.

"Hurry up and take your showers and get to bed, the later you wait to bathe the later you'll go to sleep and you've got school in the morning!"

"Yes mam!" Jesse called back.

I said nothing. I sat on the edge of my bed ripping up paper. There was nothing on the paper, but it was a good distraction from the tremors I was feeling. Jesse entered our room and pulled his hoodie off.

"I guess I'll shower first...you're not gonna listen to Mom anyway." He said as he entered. I watched as he took off his shirt. There was a huge scar that ran from under his chest bone to his navel. It was the worst of the cuts my brother had. I hadn't been able to get a good look at the damage we did. Now that I saw it for the first time right in front of me I began to cry.

"I'll save you some hot water...Justice?"

"Sure...whatever." I replied through my tears. He could tell I was upset but he didn't say another word. When it was my turn to shower I decided to do something to punish myself for what I let it happen to Jesse.

I took my switchblade into the shower with me. I was so scared to do it, but I knew I desperately wanted too. I didn't give myself any other choice. I wanted to feel the pain my brother felt that day.

I turned the water on. It was ice cold. That would represent the cold locker room floor. I took my knife and cut my wrist as slowly as Tyson cut Jesse's. The pain was unreal. It had been a long time since I felt pain to such extremes. I'm not sure how many scars Jesse had. I think I remember counting seven before I tried to tune out what was happening to him that day. I couldn't make anymore cuts on my own body. The one was bad enough.

This torture that Jesse endured was something I couldn't even go through. My own flesh and blood. My twin. My older brother. How could I let this happen to him. I fell to my knees in the shower and just cried. That was all I could do. The mistake was made. The damage permanent. I lost my brother. I wanted him more than any other person. I wanted him to be happy. I am the worst brother in the history of brothers.

I thought about killing myself while I showered; only the thought of my glove made me hungry for power again. I need to keep living to get it back.

I remember Jesse began to cry after all the cuts. He may have screamed as they did it, but he didn't cry until that one particular moment. It was when I told his secret and broke our promise. That was the moment that broke him the most. As he bled they then molested him. I watched that happen too. The guilt was overwhelming. The vigorously touched him. All four of them. They made sure he hurt in every part of his body. They destroyed my brother's body physical and emotionally. I shouldn't blame them though, it was all my fault.

For months I couldn't stop talking about how upset I was at Jesse. I constantly reminded them of what a terrible brother I thought he was. I put that plan into their heads. They believed I wished for pain on Jesse. If I had just shut up it never would have happened.

I cleaned myself and bandaged my wrist. It was almost a little after ten when I retired. Jesse was already in bed. I pulled the covers back, and looked over at Jesse. His bed was just across from mine on the other end of the room. He tossed and turned. I heard him mumble to himself. I remember him telling me that he has flashbacks and nightmares at night. I was never around to see it until now. I leisurely walked over and stared down at him. He was dripping in sweat.

"No...no Tyson stop." He mumbled. His head slowly moved back and forth. His eyelids rapidly moving. His breath became shallow.

"No...No...No!"

"Jesse..." I whispered. "Jess."

"No!"

I very gently touched his arm. He groaned.

"Stop Tyson please!"

He groaned again and tried to kick away the blankets.

"Jess..."

"Justice." I heard my father whisper.

I turned to see him standing at our door. He motioned for me to follow him. Dad took me into the kitchen. He got himself a cup of coffee and me a hot chocolate. We sat across from each other at the kitchen table.

"He does this every night Justice." Dad began.

"Shouldn't we wake him?"

Dad shook his head.

"I tried that, the night he came home from the hospital. He almost took out the lamp and me both. He fought with me. I couldn't wake him. I normally just wait it out...he'll wake himself up...then I can help him."

"What do you mean?"

"He's normally in a state of panic when he wakes up...Your mom and I have been taking turns calming him down to get him back to sleep."

Dad took a sip of his coffee.

I looked down.

"Justice...You haven't been home...so you didn't know...it's okay...but now that you are...can I ask you a question?"

I gulped then nodded.

"Who is Tyson, do you know him?"

"Uh...yeah everyone knows him Dad...he's the head of the soccer team... He'll be graduating soon. He's a big star."

"Okay...next question...why would a big star like Tyson hurt Jesse?"

I began to sweat. Jesse must have told him.

"I...I don't know."

"It just seems odd to me...Jesse said he gave himself all those cuts...I don't buy that...The way he talks to that Tyson guy in his sleep...the way I figure it...Tyson is involved somehow and Jesse doesn't want to tell me..."

"He must have hated that Jesse was gay."

"What he did goes beyond hate Justice...if he did do it."

"Maybe he's just talking to Tyson in his sleep cause Tyson helps bullied people."

"He does huh?"

"Yeah...he's known around school for it."

"Can you tell me about that day? Where were you?"

"I...I was..."

"Ben!"

It was mom.

We entered my bedroom again. Mom was sitting on the edge of Jesse's bed. Jesse was awake and covered in sweat. He couldn't breathe. He was hyperventilating.

"Son...Jesse!" Dad said sternly but not too loud. He didn't want to frighten my brother anymore than he already was.

"Jesse...what do you need?"

Jesse shook uncontrollably.

"I...I...I"

"Take your time...It's alright...Concentrate on your breathing...come on now."

I watched in horror. The aftermath of what the guys and I did was too much for me. Jesse was so afraid.

"You can get through this." I heard Mom tell him.

"I...I'm okay..." Jesse suddenly said.

"Are you sure?" Dad asked.

"Yeah...Yeah I...Mom?"

"I'm right here...tell me what you need right now sweetie and I'll get it...or do it...whatever you want."

"I...just let go of my hand...and let me get back to sleep."

Mom let go.

"Sure honey...let's go Ben."

"Jesse? You're sure?"

He nodded.

"Alright...good night son."

"Goodnight baby...goodnight Justice." Mom replied as she passed me.

"Goodnight Jus." Dad said after. They closed the door behind them. I looked back at Jesse. He took his night shirt off and threw it in the floor. They front of it was wet with his sweat. He sat up in bed and put his head against the headboard. He was trying to control his breathing. He wiped the sweat from under his fringe.

I just stared. He grabbed his phone from the side table and looked at it. He texted someone and put it back.

"Jess..."

"What?" He replied out of breath.

"Are...are you okay?"

He just huffed and puffed. We heard a ding and he picked up his phone. I saw him smile as he read the text. He texted back and put it away.

"I...I'm fine Justice."

"No you're not. Scoot."

He actually moved over a tad and I sat next to him.

"Justice..."

I picked up his wrist. I could feel his pulse racing. I did this to him. I needed to make it right.

"What are you doing?" Jesse asked me after finally getting his second wind. I wrapped my arms around his upper body. I pulled him closer to me. I wanted to end his pain and panic. The back of his body was pressed up against my chest.

"Justice...what are you doing?!"

"Jesse...you and I started out just like this... Deep inside mom...and when you got sick, putting me in the same room with you made you better...stronger...when I got sick, once they moved you out; you got worse...we are stronger together...its part of our blood...our bond...as twins."

"What are going on about?" He gasped. He was afraid of even me. He didn't know what I was trying to do, and it frightened him more. His breath began to grow short again. As I held him, I think it reminded him of when the guys held him in the locker room. I could feel him struggling to breathe.

"Jess...feel my chest okay..."

"Jus...stop...let...me...go..." He said through uneven breaths.

"Relax...Take in a deep breath like me."

I took in a breath. I felt Jesse do the same.

"Feel my lungs."

"Why...are...you...helping me?"

"Don't talk...just breathe."

He closed his eyes. We began to breathe in sync with each other.

"That's it Jess." I breathed.

I could feel his heart in my hand. The whole time I thought it was gonna burst out of his chest.

"Breathe..." I whispered. "Match me Jesse."

We did that for almost 10 minutes. All of that breathing put us to sleep. When I awoke he was away from me almost up against the wall. I was on the edge of bed facing away from him. The covers were a mess and the bed really wasn't made for two.

It was time though. Regardless if I get that glove back or not, Jesse's suffering ends today. I'm not gonna let Tyson and the others rule and validate our lives. I'm going to stand up to them. I'll suffer the withdrawals for eternity if it meant Jesse didn't have to go through this anymore.