How to Make a Family
Helluva Boss and all related characters belong to Vivziepop
"YEAH WELL SCREW YOU TOO PAL!" Blitzo said as he wandered out of Loo Loo Land, flipping off his boss... God he hated his job. Twenty-one years old, a clown, and underpaid. If it wasn't for the extra cash he made doing drop offs for a few of the mobs around Imp City, he might have starved. Thankfully this outburst did not lead to his dismissal however, though he really wished it had.
"Fuckin' slut bot hack..." Blitzo said as he slumped down next to his meager dwelling... His van. The dingy beat up old van wasn't the best sure, but it was a roof at least, and a comfortable enough bed if the seats were let back all the way. Thankfully he now had saved up enough to get an apartment, and it had only taken a few months, least after he paid off a few debts he had incurred. But all that was behind him, now he had a means to something better than his current living arrangement. However he soon heard a sound coming underneath said van, something that didn't quite line up with sounds vans usually made. Whimpering. Leaning down he looked and saw a ball of grey and white fluff.
"Hey! This ain't a..." He began until the fluff seemingly sprouted eyes, red and white... Which looked at him in fear.
"Don't let them take me back..." The fluff said, its voice sounding like a frightened little girl. Blitzo didn't think it was possible, but he felt his heart twinge a bit.
"Uh, okay... Look uh... Shit. Hey, you can come on out. Nobody around but us clowns." The imp said as the fluff crawled out, revealing a little hellhound girl in a dirty brown t-shirt and dark green shorts.
"I heard clowns are perverts." The girl said, matter-of-factly as Blitzo laughed a bit.
"Oh yeah, well Gacy gave us a bad name for sure, the asshole. His rates WERE to die for though." Blitzo said, as the pup laughed.
"You're funny Mister!" She said as Blitzo fought back a chuckle.
"Wish more kids with your taste went to Loo Loo Land." The imp said as the puppy yelped in excitement.
"You work at Loo Loo Land?! Awesome!" She said as Blitzo had to stifle back a laugh as he happened to spy out of the corner of his eye, a pair of demons walking up in suits, and looking around. Thinking quickly of what the girl had said, he quickly opened his door and put her inside the van, before the two demons noticed. They soon walked up as Blitzo got inside himself.
"Hey clown, you see a hellhound around? Grey and white? 'Bout 8 years old?" One of the pair asked as Blitzo put on his best offended face.
"OH YEAH! CLOWN WITH A VAN AND YOU'RE ASKIN' ABOUT MISSING KIDS! FUCK YOU YOU ANTI-CLOWNITE!" Blitzo ranted as he drove off full speed.
"Okay coast is clear kid." The clown said as the pup crawled up onto the seat and looked to her grease paint clad savior.
"Thanks Mister... They'd take me back to the pound." The hellpuppy said as Blitzo looked at her as he pulled into a secluded parking spot under a bridge.
"Pound? Don't you mean foster home? Or hell orphanage?" Blitzo asked as she shook her head.
"Hellhounds go to pounds, that's the rhyme. All the other kids make fun of me... I'm the only hellhound there and the people who run it... don't like me." She said as Blitzo felt an anger stir in him that he usually only felt towards bitchy exes or the robot.
"What's your name kid?" Blitzo asked as he felt his anger increasing by the second, but did a good job of hiding it from the girl.
"Loona." She said as she noticed the almost vice-like grip he had on the steering wheel.
"My name's Blitz." He said, using the pronunciation he's been DYING to get off the ground forever. Looking at the clearly malnourished, and still shaken girl... Well... While he was never much for long term thinking... He did the only thing he knew in his heart of hearts to be the right thing to do. Spinning the van around he drove down the streets, to the surprise of his passenger. Looking for the demons who had asked him about Loona. Spotting them, he drove up to them, to the dismay of the hellpup.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" She asked frantically as he locked the doors to stop her from getting out.
"Hey, say I wanted to adopt the kid, how would I do that?" Blitzo asked, causing Loona's fear to subside... To be replaced with sheer confusion... A feeling most have when dealing with Blitzo.
A week, a shit ton of paper work, a few well placed threats here and there, and Blitzo was now the proud parent of a 8 year old Hellhound. Granted the main reason he was able to adopt was the more lax, if still full of red tape, adoption policies of hell, and the fact Loona herself was enough of a hellraiser that they were more than willing to clear off a few things to get her out. Loona however was still having trouble wrapping her head around it. She had only known this imp for about 8 days, and yet her she was, getting pampered. Well pampered to the best of Blitzo's limited income, but still. He had bought her a new set of clothes, which consisted of a black t-shirt with a bleeding moon design on the front, and black cargo shorts. And he actually let her pick where they ate at, which was always Hella Burger, though he did say they'd need to lay off that after the eight time since, well even for a junk foodie like him, burgers every day was pushing it.
Still she had to wonder... Why all the nice treatment? He barely knew her and now all of a sudden he was her dad, even if she couldn't see herself calling him that anytime soon, if ever.
"Why did you adopt me?" Loona asked as they sat in the parking lot of Hella Burger, biting the proverbial bullet as Blitzo took a bite out of his triple stacked burger, swallowing it just as quickly.
"Wow, finally worked up the nerve for that one huh?" He asked as he looked down at her. Taking a deep breath he sighed out, as he looked dead ahead, at nothing in particular.
"Ya know how only sinners and higher level demons don't die? Unless ya know, angel shit is involved right?" Blitzo asked, hoping he wouldn't need to explain things too in depth for the girl, otherwise the subject would go on longer than he would've cared to let it.
"Yeah?" She said in a questioning tone, wondering where he was going with this. She felt a bit insulted, sure she was 8 but everyone knew that, how else was there orphanages and foster homes in Hell?
"Good... My dad died when I was about your age. Now granted, he was a major asshole. Like King Fucktard of Shithead Land... But he was the only one who supported me and my sisters. But... After Mom died, the family circus didn't really feel like a family, well anything after that. Oh sure, we tried but well... And when he did, my oldest sister, Tilla... She had to work hard to provide for me and our sister Barbie... She worked so hard, and we still barely ate half the time. We were on the streets, and then we got snatched up and put into an orphanage, Tilla didn't have to go because she was 18, but... She fought tooth and nail to get us outta there... And she never did. Not for lack of trying, because fuck did she try... I just..."
Blitzo looked down when he felt a hand on his leg, Loona looking up at him... It was only then did he notice he was crying a bit. Wiping the tears, he let out a deep sigh. He really hated remember that part of his life, even if it was fairly recent. It was over, just the future now, no reason to think about it.
"... I just hated to see you in that place, clearly not wanting to be, and hating being there like I did... This way we both get back at those assholes, right?" Blitzo said as Loona smiled.
"Right!" She yipped out, as Blitzo laughed. After finishing their meal, they hopped back in the van and headed down the streets of Imp City, to a place Blitzo was well acquainted with, but had hoped NOT to have to go back to so soon. Still, it did have his
"Where are we going?" Loona asked as Blitzo swerved to miss a truck, making the young hellhound wince quite a bit.
"Just to the best place in all of Hell!" The imp said as they continued down the road.
"Loo Loo Land?!" Loona asked excitedly as Blitzo forced down the abruptness of what his no would have been, dear LORD he hated that place.
"Uh, no, the second best! It's a surprise!" Blitzo said as he drove. Stopping in front of an apartment building, they got out and headed up the stairs, Loona following Blitzo as he held her hand. Stopping at an apartment, Blitzo rang the doorbell, about 20 times in a row in under 5 seconds.
"Comin'! Keep your shit together!" A female voice from the otherside of the door yelled, as the door opened to reveal...
"HOW'S THE BEST TWIN SISTER IN ALL OF HELL?!" Blitzo exclaimed as Loona saw, what indeed looked like a female version of Blitzo, minus the horns being curved a lot more.
"Couldn't cut it on your own after all huh?" The lady Blitzo said as she noticed Loona a moment before Blitzo could respond.
"AW! WHO'S THIS CUTIE PATOOTIE?!" She exclaimed as Loona was hoisted up and sling around into a near bone breaking bear hug.
"Loona, meet your Aunt Barbie!" Blitzo said as Barbie let go of the poor hellpuppy.
"Aunt? You finally got someone knocked up?" His twin said as she let go to allow Loona to breath, still holding her though.
"Ha ha. No dumbass, I adopted her!" Blitzo said as Barbie rolled her eyes. Though truth be told, given Blitzo's impulse control issues, things like this WERE always a possibility... Not a strong one, but possible nonetheless.
"So lemme guess, you wanna cra-" Barbie began before Blitzo snatched Loona out of her arms and wandered into the apartment.
"Crash here for a bit? Yeah sure! Thanks for offerin' sis!" The clownish imp said as he plopped Loona down next to him on the sofa and turned on the TV, changing it to his favorite show.
"Are ya ready Kids?!"
"AYE AYE CAPTAIN!" Blitzo said along with the intro, before looking back to Barbie.
"So glad ya didn't stop paying for the Human Channels after I left!" He said as Loona found herself enthralled with the yellow sponge man on TV.
ON THE OTHERSIDE OF TOWN
A white haired, freckled imp, put an empty box down on the floor. He stood in a spacious house in the suburbs of Imp City, the last house on the end of a cul-de-sac. The real estate agent said it was a bit of a fixer upper, but so far he hadn't seen much need for that. Sure some chipped paint, and old wood to be removed, but nothing too major that couldn't be knocked out in a day or two.
"And done! Millie, we are officially moved in!" He said as another imp, with black hair and a white splotch on the back of her hair, walked in, a beauty mark under her right eye.
"That's great Moxxie! But uh... The past week didn't count because... why?" She asked as he picked up the box from the floor, displaying it proudly as his tail swished happily.
"Because I finally unpacked the last box! NOW it's official! Newly wed and newly moved in!" He proclaimed as he moved closer to her, pulling her close as he tossed the box to the floor.
"Oh Millie, this is gonna be so perfect! My music career, your self defense business, we'll be on our feet in no time, and this will be the stepping stone to fame and fortune!" Moxxie said as his wife squeezed him back.
"Yeah! Aw Moxxie... We're really doin' it! On our own like adults! Who says ya shouldn't get married at 18?! FUCK'EM!" Millie said as Moxxie laughed.
"There's my little ball of energy! Now let's-" Moxxie was cut off by the upstairs bathtub... Crashing through the floor.
"... It's fine... They said it was a fixer up-" He was cut off again, by the nearby window falling out of its frame.
"... Oh crumbs."
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