Disclaimer: Same as always.
A week after Harley and Ryan showed everyone that they have teamed up they along with Clayface and Pyscho entered Ivy's apartment carrying bags filled with money and cheering.
"Who has two hands covered in unwashable ink? This girl and her partner!" Harley said as she dropped the bag of money on the table which caused it to break. "We just made that bank our bitch!"
"Dude that was an Negutchi coffee table!" Ivy said annoyed.
"The fuck is Negutchi anyway?" Ryan asked "Sounds like a disease from a foreign country"
"Sorry Ive but look you can buy a bunch of them! Gutch, Gutch, Gutch" Harley said making it rain.
"You could just hand me the money. You don't have to make it rain..." Ivy said.
"I think this was our best heist yet Harles" Ryan said smiling.
"Damn right it was! I bet everyone on the news is already talking about us" Harley said turning on the TV. Unfortunately it showed Batman stopping Joker from robbing a Credit Union.
"A Credit Union!?" Pyscho blurted out "That's like a poor person bank! we robbed a real one. With a vault, money and lending processes"
"For once I actually agree with Pyscho. Maybe they already did us first let's try channel seven" Ryan said changing the channel only to find out they had the same story. "Shit..."
"Perhaps they are saving us for last" Clayface suggested only find out it was about a box full of ferrets being returned to their owner. Then Harley angrily threw the remote at the TV which caused it to break.
"You've only been here two weeks and you've broken nine TVs" Ivy said holding a cup of tea.
"I'm sorry, I'm just pissed" Harley said.
"Me too" Ryan said sitting next to Harley "I mean seriously Ferrets? Nobody even likes Ferrets, they are like the worst pets ever! I mean seriously, who wants a pet that fucking bites you all the time!"
"It should be us on that screen" Clayface said "We should be the Ferrets"
"You guys realise you're committing serious felonies right?" Ivy asked "You actually don't want people to know who you are"
"But there's only one thing stopping us from being front page news" Harley said "No one is trying to stop us!"
"Of course!" Clayface said forming his hands into Batman and Joker. "Joker has Batman, then suddenly a simple crime becomes a thrilling narrative between two titans!"
"So all we need to do is find ourselves a nemesis and we'll make the news" Ryan said smiling.
"Exactly Ryan. Lex Luther has Superman, Aquaman has Black Momba and Pyscho has his own inability from using the C word."
"My nemesis is Wonder Woman that c-" Pyscho said before stopping himself "Ok I see what you did there"
"Let's not forget Ivy's nemesis is basically anyone whoever threatens plant life." Ryan said.
"We'll, he's not wrong" Ivy said as she sipped her tea"
"That's it then" Harley said standing up "Ryan and I need a nemesis!"
The next day Harley put a profile on a website called Find a Nemesis dot come so that she and Ryan could find a nemesis.
"Ok, our profile on Find a Nemesis dot com has been up for a day" Harley said.
"And so far we got...Zero messages" Ryan said disappointed.
"Clayface!" Ivy yelled as she entered the room with her hairbrush covered with clay. "Did you use my hairbrush?"
"No..." Clayface lied as he ate his cereal.
"What the hell!? you're messing up my apartment!" Ivy said frustrated.
"You're apartment" said a voice from behind her front door and it revealed to be an old man in a wheelchair with a robot arm named Sy. "It's my apartment. And if you're circus freak friends keep messing it up I'm kicking you out. You know the rules. No pet's, no noise, no commission no- Hey!" Ivy then closed the door in his face.
"I don't know if he was gonna get racist there, but it felt that's where it was heading" Ivy said.
"That was the right thing to do Ive" Ryan said.
"I thought robots were supposed to helpful" Clayface said.
"Right?" Harley asked
"He's not a robot, he's a disabled person" Ivy said as she looked at Clayface "Any stain all my carpeting, and you came home drunk and tried to mind control the microwave which burnt a hole on the counter"
"That microwave knows what it said" Pyscho said pointing to the destroyed microwave.
"Infact, Ryan's the only one who helps out. At least he cleans up after himself" Ivy said.
"Just because I'm an assassin doesn't mean I don't have manners" Ryan as there was another knock on the door.
"Damn it Sy I will move the trash can- Oh my God!" Ivy said as a giant half human half shark entered the room. Ivy summoned her plants while Harley picked up her bat and was about to swing it until...
"Sharky!" Ryan said with a big smile as the Shark looked at him.
"Ryan, Is that you my brother? "King Shark said as the two of them laughed and hug"
"How've you been man. I haven't seen ya since we got arrested" Ryan said.
"Hold on, you know him?" Harley asked her childhood freind.
"Oh yeah" Ryan said "Harley, Ivy this is King Shark"
"Howdy" King Shark said.
"He and I used to be partners back in the day" Ryan said "He and pulled off a lot of heist back in the day. He's was the brains and I was the muscle and we got away almost every heist, until we both got arrested for robbing Wayne Industrys. It's great to see ya man, but what are you doing here?"
"I called him to solve our nemesis problem" Clayface said
"Cool, if anyone can do it, it's Sharky" Ryan said.
"Mmmm, I'm guessing you're the one having trouble finding a nemesis" King Shark said pointing to Harley.
"We'll we put the profile up and we're not getting any bites" Harley said annoyed.
"Is that a shark joke?" King Shark said in a threatening tone which scared Harley then King Shark smiled. "If so it's very funny!" The Shark said laughing "Now schooch let me take a look at that profile"
Harley then sighed in relief as Ryan walked up to her. "Don't worry, Sharky doesn't get offended that easily. infact he's got a great sense of humor"
"Ok now here's your first problem" King Shark said "You're not using any of the right keywords. I'll hack into the mainframe and get your feature"
"How long is this gonna take?" Pyscho asked as the laptop pinged.
"There you go, got your first match" King Shark said showing them the first match. A guy named Tommy Tomorrow.
"Who the fuck is Tommy Tomorrow?" Ryan asked.
"He's got a personalized ray gun" King Shark said.
"It says he's looking for something casual" Clayface read. "Someone to fight on the weekend"
"I'm not settling for Tommy Tomorrow!" Harley said angrily "I wanna Nemesis up!"
"You're not gonna find any Alisters on here" King Shark said which gave Harley an idea "There's no Batman"
"Or...we get Batman" Harley said.
"Batman?" Ryan asked "Did you forget how many times he's kicked your ass and locked you in prison?"
"I know another way" Harley said "And by the end of it Bats will be our nemesis Ryan"
Later Ryan, Clayface and Pyscho were waiting for Harley is an abandoned butcher shop. Then they heard a loud reviving sound and saw the Batmobile pull up...with Harley inside.
"Ta-da!" Harley cheered
"Holy shit!" Ryan said sounding both shocked and impressed "How the hell did you pull this off Harley?"
"Car is voiced activated" Harley said as she flipped out of the Batmobile. "So I took some recordings of Bats voice and spliced them together"
"Damn Beautiful, smart and can kick fucking ass" Ryan complemented which made Harley blushed.
"He's so cute when complements me. Joker never did that." Harley thought to herself. Suddenly and grappling hook ties up Clayface and hung him upside down.
"The Bat has arrived" Pyscho said
"Ryan we gotta make an evil first impression" Harley said "Maybe something like 'Good Afterdoom'?"
"Uhhh no" Ryan said. Soon the crew saw a dark shadow appear hoping it was Batman but instead... It was Robin.
"Not so fast losers" Robin said
"Are you kidding me?" Ryan said with disappointment.
"Robin, what the hell are you doing here?" Harley asked "Where's Batman?"
"You think Batman has time for you gutter snipes?" Robin said as he jumped down to the floor. "You're lucky I even showed up tonight"
"Don't flattered yourself kid" Ryan said "You're basically just Batman's arrand boy"
"Shut up and battle Nards!" Robin said.
"Nards...Seriously?" Ryan said "We've been called way worse by way better super heroes"
"Oh God" Pyscho said "I was in the fucking Legion of Doom, now this is my life!"
"We're not fighting a twelve year old from the fuck resonance fair!" Harley said.
"So how you go back to sucking your thumb and cuddling with your teddy bear" Ryan said.
"I was raised buy an elite group of assassins from birth" Robin said
"Yeah so was I" Ryan said "But you don't see me in a ridiculous costume"
"That's it! Robin said as he punched Ryan in the abs but unfortunately for him it had no affect and he felt a sharp pain in his knuckles. "OW!"
"Serves you right you little shit!" Harley said laughing as Ryan hung Robin on a hook.
"You need a serious time out twerp. And tell Batman we're coming for him" Ryan said smirking. Then Ryan walked back to Harley while she and Pyscho freed Clayface from the grappling hook.
"I had no idea you had rock hard abs" Harley said.
"Well I don't like brag, but do crunchs three times a day" Ryan said.
"Um, may I?" Harley asked while blushing.
"I'd be insulted if you didn't" Ryan said smiling and lifted the front of his shirt revealing his six pack abs. Harley then rubbed his abs with her hand and she started drooling a little.
"Oh yeah..." Harley moaned.
"Harley!" Ryan said making her snap out of it. "I appreciate the admiration, but she should probably get back home"
"Oh right" Harley said as she continued to look at Ryan's abs and licking her lips. "I wanna lick to abs so much"
The next day Harley and the others were watching Robin on Tawny saying he was Harley's and Ryan's nemesis while Tawny called him a "sweet potato pie"
"And to top it all off Tawny, that mean Ryan Archer guy broke my arm for no reason" Robin said crying.
"Oh you poor little thing" Tawny said hugging Robin.
"Oh that little lying peice of shit. I didn't break his arm!" Ryan growled.
"I gotta tell ya I think he's adorable" Ivy said which made Harley smash her new coffee table. "You know what? This is on me, I should've known this would put you in a smashing mood"
"Robin is lying" Harley said "Why would I fight a kid?"
"Because he's a spoiled brat who just wants attention that's why" Ryan said.
"Right" Harley said "I want a nemesis with hair on their chest"
"Well that rules out Batman" Ivy said "Catwoman says he waxes everything"
"Believe me Selena is just a slut who fucks people and literally robs them blind" Ryan said.
"Wait, you banged Catwoman!?" Harley asked sounding a little jealous.
"It was a long time ago, I barley even remember it" Ryan said "We were both really drunk and then when I woke up the next morning my wallet was gone."
"Ok..." Harley said "Anyway, it's gonna be fine. Maybe this story will run one news cycle and be done"
"I don't think so" King Shark said. "We just got a Google alert from an article from the Lois Lane. And the Headline is...never mind"
"Let me see that" Harley said taking the laptop "Harley Quinn and Ryan Archer fights child. Sends evil women's movement back decades while also proving only weak men hurt children"
"That lying media whore!" Ryan growled while Harley gasped.
"Well, the headline is merely click bait" Clayface said "But I bet the article itself is more positive"
"Looks like it's behind a pay wall, God damn it" Ryan said.
"Anyone got a subscription for The Daily Planet?" Harley asked.
"Nope, I already burned through my five free articles" Pyscho said.
"Well I'm not paying 7.99 a month to read this shit!" Harley said tossing the laptop to King Shark.
"Let's just kill her" Pyscho said
"Or we kidnap her and make her retract the Article" Harley suggested.
"You can't fuck with Lois Lane" Ivy said "What if Superman shows up?"
"Great, then we'll have the most powerful nemesis on earth" Harley said putting an hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Plus we have muscle of our own"
"Whoa, whoa ,whoa, whoa. Harley I appreciate you think highly of me but I'm normal strong not Superman strong" Ryan said.
"I know you can take him Ryan. I believe in you"
"Oh brother..." Ryan said.
Later at the Daily Planet in Metropolis the gang captured Lois Lane.
"I don't retract articles and I'm definitely not writing a puff peice about, What was your headline again?" Lois asked.
"Harley Quinn and Ryan Archer, number one super villains in the mini multiverse who still hasn't committed to a nemesis much less Robin the boy wonder" Harley said.
"Yeah no, I'm not doing that" Lois said
"Ok then we're gonna have to kill ya" Harleysaid pointing her bat at the journalist. Just then Superman burst through the wall while spitting out rubble.
"I gotta learn the to keep my mouth closed when I bust through walls" Superman said. Then Robin burst through a different spot in the same wall with a fake cast on his right arm.
"Ok, I've of breaking the fourth wall but this is fucking ridiculous" Ryan said.
"Oh like how you broke my arm" Robin said which made Superman angry.
"You broke the kid's arm?" Superman growled.
"Dude I didn't break- Agh!" Was all Ryan could say before Superman punched him in the face sending him through a bunch of cubicles. "Ow, fucking bitch..."
Ryan and Superman punched and kicked each other back and forth until Superman knocked Ryan down.
"Ok, I'm pissed" Ryan said aiming a gun at Superman.
"Really? Bullets don't work on me idiot" Sulerman said.
Ryan then smirked and fired a bullet and it shot through the super hero as he cried out in pain.
"Agh! What the hell!?" Superman said looking at his wound and back at the assassin.
"Kyrptonite bullets" Ryan said as he aimed his gun at the Super Heroes head. "Next one is going for your head"
Superman quickly flew away to recover while the others ran up to his side.
"Ryan that was awesome!" Harley said hugging her friend"
"Where did you get kryptonite bullets?" Pyscho asked.
"Let's just say it wasn't easy" Ryan said.
"Uh helloooo. I'm still here ya know" Robin said. "You ready to battle Quinn and Archer"
"You're not worth our time kid" Ryan said
"Ugh, let's go" Harley said as the crew left.
When the crew got home they saw a bunch of baby stuff in Ivy's apartment.
"Oh my God Ivy you're pregnant" Harley said hugging her best friend. "This is gonna be so bad for your carrier, but so good for your Instagram"
"No, all this shit is for you" Ivy said
"Uh last time I checked Harley wasn't pregnant" Ryan said "So who sent this stuff?"
Harley then opened a card and Joker's voice came out "Congrats on Robin the cradle. From your never going to be your friends at the the Leigon of Doom"
"Asshole..." Ryan muttered.
"Alright enough of this shit. We're killing Robin" Harley said which gave everyone the room a shocked looked.
"Harley, you can't kill him" Ryan said.
"You don't think I can kill a twelve year old?" Harley asked. "Ok well I will smash in his face with a bat like a watermelon!"
"Oh no, I believe you have the ability to kill him" Ryan said "What I'm saying is that if you kill him you're validating to everyone that Robin is our nemesis"
"Also you'd be a child killer. Which some might say is actually worse." King Shark said.
"Unless, I've got a plan" Harley said
Later Ryan and Harley managed to capture Robin and met the rest of the crew at an old warehouse.
"We got him!" Harley said while Ryan was carrying the bag. Later they hung Robin upside above a tank of water where King was swimming around menisingly.
"You're gonna die Robin" Harley said "Unless you admit we never battle, Ryan and I never asked you to be our nemesis and admit that Ryan didn't break your arm"
"Let me go you freaks!" Robin demanded.
"Not until you tell the truth you little brat!" Ryan said.
"Why would I ever tell the truth?" Robin asked "I'm Gotham's sweet potato pie those idiots will believe anything I tell them but they'll never believe I lied or that this arm cast is fake!"
"Busted!" Ryan said as the curtain fell and revealed Tawny and her audience.
"You hear that Tawny?" Harley asked "He admitted he lied"
"Tawny!?" Robin said shocked "You two set me up!"
"No shit..." Ryan said.
"So as you all see Ryan and I could've killed him anytime we wanted" Harley said "But we didn't because he's a kid and kids are gross"
"Amen to that" Ryan said. "Also he is not our nemesis" The assassin then notice a drop of blood was falling into the tank. "Oh shit..."
Suddenly King Shark went ferrule and tried to eat Robin as the boy wonder called out for help.
"Oh shit!" Harley cried out "Abort! Abort! King Shark heel!"
"We gotta save him!" Ryan said as he jumped and grabbed Robin then landed outside the tank. Suddenly King Shark rammed through the glass and attacked Robin. But then Batman appeared and tackled King Shark to the ground. Then the caped crusader sprayed Shark repellent on King Shark which made him go back to normal.
"Ladys and Gentlemen, The Batman" Tawny said as the audience cheered.
"Tawny? Are we live on Tawny?" Batman asked "What the hell are you doing Quinn?
"Changing the optics?" Harley said
"You and Archer tried to kill my ward" Batman said.
"Your ward?" Ryan asked "Does anyone use real words anymore?"
"You two are going to prison for a long time" Batman said
"Not likely Bats" Ryan said as he threw the frust punch but Batman dodged while Harley kicked him in the face. Then Ryan landed a few good punches and kicks until Batman punched him in his abs which made him groan in pain.
"Ugh, you see that Jr?" Ryan asked looking towards. "That's how you punch someone in the abs" Batman tried to punch Ryan in the face but the assassin caught his fist and threw him into a steel frame. Then Ryan kicked Batman in the face. "That fucking hurt you bastard!" Batman then headbutted Ryan which knocked him down then threw Harley to the floor.
"Game over you two" Batman said as he was about to cuff them. Suddenly Ivy appeared riding a bunch of thorny roots.
"Let them go!" Ivy said as she fought Batman and wrapped him up in some vines.
"Ive, You came to save us" Harley said
"Thanks Ive we owe one" Ryan said
"I know you do" Ivy said "Seems that's my soul purpose is to keep you two out of trouble"
"Well you might need to do it again cause Bats got loose!" Ryan said as Batman ran towards them the trio got out of the way as Ryan took out his sword and start swinging it at the Dark Knight while Ivy use a few vines to whip him. Harley delivered a few kicks until Batman grabbed her leg and threw her into Ryan which knocked them down. Harley noticed she was on top of Ryan making them both blush and the audience loved it. Just as they got up Joker burst through the wall completely pissed off.
"Harley, what the fuck do you think you and the wannabe are doing!?" The clown yelled as he made his way throughthe audience. "Are you two trying to steal my Batman!?" Soon Joker started fighting Batman, then Harley started fighting Batman hile Ryan was fighting Joker while Joker was fighting Harely while Ivy was fighting Joker. It was absolute chaos and the audience was loving every second of it. Then Joker grabbed Robin.
"If you ever want to see the Boy Wonder again, you better show up to my cool crimes" Joker said as he ran out of the build while Batman pursued him.
"Alright let's get the fuck out of here" I've had enough craziness for one day" Ryan said.
"Awww... but I wanna squeeze a Ferret" Harley pleaded.
"No!" Ryan said as he and Ivy took Harley and the others home.
Later the crew was back at Ivy's apartment trying to relax.
"Well that was a fun show" Ivy said.
"Yeah well, it was fun except for Batman kicking my ass on live TV" Harley said "I can't believe after all this we still find a nemesis"
"I'm sure we'll find one eventually Harley" Ryan said.
"You really think so?" Harley asked.
"I know so" Ryan said "All it takes is one pissed off person. And what we do to said person will determine our nemesis by looking at us with look of pure from that look of hatred will create a spark of vengeance that will intertwine our fates. That's how we'll know we found them"
"Wow, that was...weirdly beautiful. Thanks Ryan" Harley said kissing Ryan on the cheek.
"You're welcome Harley" Ryan said smiling.
"And Ivy we're sorry me and our crew haven't been treating your place" Harley said. "That changes today"
"Yes, we promise to keep your apartment much cleaner" King Shark said
"Wait, so now he's part of the crew?" Ivy asked.
"Yeah I added him" Ryan said "Sharky will make a great addition to the team. Besides you saw what he can do when he flips out"
"That's it!" Sy said entering Ivy's apartment "You're out, this is a formal eviction notice"
"You're evicting me!?" Ivy asked "On what grounds!?"
"Your lease says no pets" Sy said pointing to King Shark "Him!"
"He's not a pet you senile old bastard" Ryan said.
"Please Sy I love this apartment more than anything" Ivy begged "I'll kick them all out!"
"Too late, you're evicted honey!" Sy said leaving the apartment. Then Ivy slammed the door which broke her coffee table again.
"We'll all split that" Ryan suggested.
THE GANG HAS BEEN EVICTED FROM IVY'S APARTMENT. WHERE WILL THEY GO NOW? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HARLEY QUINN: PARTNERS IN CRIME!RR FULCRUM OUT!