Disclaimer: Same thing
Harley and Ryan were looking for a new Lair to call home since Ivy got evicted from her apartment. A retailer was showing them some lairs but Harley turned them all down because she couldn't make a decision on her own. Later they went back to Ivy's apartment.
"How did the lair hunt go?" Ivy asked.
"Not good..." Ryan replied. "Harley had a hard time choosing which one to pick.
"look a super villains lair is a reflection of who they really are" The Retailer said "So, who is Harley Quinn?"
"That's a hard question answer" Harley said.
"You got us uniforms?" King Shark asked excitly as he opened up the boxes full of shirts with the words 'Suicide Squad' on them. "Oooh Suicide Squad, is that our name?"
"Ugh it's this group that keeps trying to get me and Ryan to join them" Harley said.
"They're basically just a group of losers who never made it into the Leigon of Doom" Ryan said.
"I don't want to run lines with you" Pyscho said entering the room with Clayface.
"Good, because I hate that phrase" Clayface said "People run marathons not lines. Actors exchange true..."
"Look what Harely and Ryan got us" King Shark said Putting shirts on Pyscho and Clayface face.
"You know what, why don't I come vack at another time?" The Retailer said as she was about to leave.
"No, no, no don't go" Harley said as King Shark put shirts on her, Ryan and Ivy. "It's just that Joker always made the big decisions"
"Ok, how about we ask you some questions and maybe that'll help" Ivy suggested.
"Worth a shot" The Retailer said sitting back down. "Why did you first become a villain?"
"Well, you know it's because...um" Harley said thinking.
"You know this one Harley" Ryan said.
"Uh, well it's uh..." Harley said still thinking.
"You know this" Ivy said
"I guess, I don't know" Harley said making Ryan and Ivy groan.
"What Villain do you most admire the most?" The Retailer asked.
"I don't know" Harley said walking away.
"Chocolate or Vanilla?" The Retailer asked
"I don't know!" Harley said stopping in her tracks.
"Harely, I can't help you unless you can tell me who you are!" The Retailer said.
"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!" Harley shouted until she completely froze.
"Oh shit" Ivy said "Harley? Honey, can you hear me?" Harley just stood there completely frozen.
"Yo Harley!" Ryan said as he clapped in Harley's face a few times...Nothing. "Ah fuck, we broke Harely...
After the Retailer left the gang was still trying to figure out what was wrong with Harely.
"Harley? Can you hear me?" Ivy asked as King Shark put his entire mouth on Harley's head.
"Sharky, get the fuck off her!" Ryan said as King Shark took his mouth off Harley.
"I was just trying to give her CPR" King Shark said.
"Harley c'mon snap out of it!" Ryan said shaking her.
"No response to physical stimula" Pyscho said "It's probably a level 4 brain freeze"
"Pyscho, can you fix her?" Ivy asked "Like go in her brain and do the fucking thing."
"That sounds like something a doctor would do, but not someone you referred to as Pyscho" Pyscho said.
"Ugh, fine Dr. Pyscho can you please fix her?" Ryan asked.
"Can I fix her?" Pyscho asked "Of course i can fix her. Im just gonna slip inside her Wham Bam thank you ma'm and I'm done in two minutes"
"Ugh, you couldn't have said that any differently?" Ryan asked.
"Eww, fucking gross" Ivy said pushing Pyscho away. "You think I'm gonna let you creep around Harley's head without us you prev?"
"Yeah prev" Clayface said
"You're the prevs!" Pyscho said "But as a professional I wi warn you that this is a highly delicate matter. Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together"
Everyone did what Pyscho did as he used his mental powers to transport everyone's souls into Harley's brain.
Next thing they knew the gang was inside a white room that looked like an art gallery.
"Whooo, everyone ok?" Ivy asked standing up.
"I'm good" Ryan said standing up as well "Hey where's Pyscho?"
"Ugh, Dr. Pyscho!" Pyscho said coming out of Clayface's stomach.
"What an ugly baby I've have birth" Clayface said.
"Does he taste like fudge? Cuase in my dreams he does" King Shark said.
"Huh, Harley's brain is much cleaner and less Harleyish than I expected" Ivy said looking around.
"Yeah, why the hell does it look like an art gallery?" Ryan asked.
"Because this is her museum of memories" Pyscho said as they looked at a section that said 'happiest memories' which showed a young Harley playing dolls with a boy with blonde.
"Oh I remember this day" Ryan said.
"Wait is that you with Harley?" Ivy asked
"Yeah, that little is me" Ryan said as he watched the memory.
"You came home late again Nick, smelling like alcohol and whore!" Young Harley said.
"She's just a friend from work. Stop breathing down my neck Sharon!" Young Ryan said.
"Can't breath down what's not there you cocksucker!" Young Harley said.
"Bring it on bitch!" Young Ryan said as the two made the toys fight as Ryan ripped the female dolls head off making the two kids laugh.
"Ahhhh memories" Ryan said as the walked over to another memory which was Harley giving her graduation speech. "Oh you guys gotta watch this. It's funny as hell!"
"Im honored to be the Validictorion I just want to thank absolutely no one. Fuck all of you! Fuck the principle, fuck the shop teacher who looks at my ass everytime I walk out of class, yeah I see you" Teenage Harley said as Teenage Ryan stood up behind the shop teacher.
"Well since I'm graduating anyway" Teenage Ryan said as he grabbed the teacher and punched him so hard it knocked out his teeth. "Continue Harley"
"Thanks Ryan, Have a great fucking summer!" Teenage Harley said throwing her cap in the air.
"I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding" Pyscho said as they walked up to another memory which showed Teenage Harley and Ryan in Ryan's bedroom drinking beer.
"Finally no more classes...we can do whatever the fuck we want" Teenage Harley said slurring her words.
"Tell me about it...That bitch had it out for me... Well fuck you Mrs. Linberg." Teenage Ryan said completely drunk.
"Speaking of fucking... I'm super horny right now Ryan... I want to sex! Teenage Harley said
"Harley... you're drunk, that's the alcohol talking" Teenage Ryan said.
"No, no, no, no, no it is not the alcohol talking... I want you to take me right here on this bed and fuck me until I can't fucking walk right. And don't you dare hold back mister!" Teenage Harley said as she and Teenage Ryan took of their clothes and had drunk sex.
"No fucking way, You fucked Harley!?" Ivy asked completely shock."It was long time ago. I assumed she forgot" Ryan said "But I think I know why she didn't"
"Why's that?" King shark asked.
"We were each other's first" Ryan said giving everyone a shocked looked. Then Ivy spotted Harley sitting on a bench.
"Ah Harley" Ivy said
"Oh, Hey Ive Hey Ryan" Harley said waving to them.
"Wait, how can Harley be here if we're in Harley?" King Shark asked.
"Yeah, I wouldn't think about brain logic for the next twenty minutes" Harley said.
"We're just here to give you a hard reboot" Pyscho said as he stopped King Shark from touching something. "Uh, uh, uh, uh, look while find the switch, you all follow hooker rules"
"No kissing on the mouth?" Ivy asked.
"I'm sorry stripper rules" Pyscho said "Look but don't touch. The brain will try to protect if it feels threatened"
"Hey Ive, Ryan I think there's something really screwed up about me" Harley said as she walked with her two best friends.
"And you're just now figuring this out?" Ryan asked.
"No, I mean screwed up on top of the regular screwed up" Harley said "I mean why can't I make a decision?"
"Well, we're in your mind. So the answer has to be here somewhere" Ivy said. Then the three friends walked to a memory that said 'Orgin Story'
"Oh I remember this" Harley said "This is when that bleached asshole pushed me into a tub of acid and bleached mine" They watched the memory but for some reason it glitched and skipped the part of Joker pushing Harleen into the acid.
"Hey, it glitched and skipped over the part where Joker pushed me" Harley said as the memory glitched again. "See it did it again!"
"Whoa, that's weird" Ryan said "It's like a peice of your memory is missing"
"Guys, this is my orgin story" Harley said. "It says so right here, Your orgin story is how you become who you are. If It's screwed up no surprise I am." Harley then walked over to the frame while Ivy and Ryan tried to stop her but it was too late. The room started flashing red and qn alarm went off.
"Who touched something!?" Pyscho asked "Was I not clear about the stripper rules?"
"I was just trying to touch myself" Harley said. "That is a stripper rule"
"You triggered a brain lockdown!" Pyscho said "We need to get out of here!" The exit disappeared.
"Too late..." Ryan said.
"No, no no, no. The fuck? Are we trapped in here!?" Ivy asked Pyscho. "You need to tell me right now if we're trapped because I'm gonna freak the fuck out! What's gonna happen to my plants man!?"
"Girl we need to get you some friends" King Shark said.
"Oh we wanna come with you were afraid you're gonna mind molest her" Pyscho mocked "Now who's the mind molesters!? You, you're the mind molesters!"
"Will you just shut the fuck and find us a way out of here Pyscho!?' Ryan demanded. Just then he heard King Shark yelled as he was being being up by a younger Harley. Ryan them took out his gun and blew the little Harley's head off then he and normal Harley ran up to him.
"Uh, why did that sweet little you attack me?" King Shark asked.
"Oh I was sweet at that age" Harley replied "Or any age for that matter. I was a total shit back then"
"You were always sweet to me" Ryan said making Harley blush.
"Which is why the brain sent it" Pyscho said "It thinks we're intruders and yes if we die in Harley's mind... WE DIE IN REAL LIFE!"
"Oh, Nightmare on Elmstreet rules" Clayface said.
Suddenly a bunch of demonic Harleys chased the crew into an elevator and as they entered it one of the Harleys head got chopped off by the door as they closed.
"You know in a way it's almost like comforting to know you've always been this fucked up" Ivy said.
"Yeah, isn't it?" Harley asked "I'm started to realise why my mother recycle so many wine bottles back then"
"I'll say, She recycled so many that the bin over flowed" Ryan said.
"As fun as this is let's get the fuck out of here!" Pyscho said looking at the buttons. "There should be an emergency exit to real world in Harley's subconscious which I think should be right here"
While Pyscho tried to reach for the subconscious button the severed Harley's head bit King Shark's leg and cuased his fin to press a button. Then Ryan stomped on the head crushing it in the process.
"Your stupid fin hit the wrong button dummy!" Pyscho said
"Do not fin shame me" King Shark said.
The elevator stopped and the gang saw Sy with an elderly woman.
"We've must've hit the button to the octave nerve" Pyscho said.
"Oh, looking through the eyes of another" Clayface said "Now we're playing by Bin John Malkovich rules"
"Oh brother..." Ryan said.
They listened to Sy and the woman as they talked about burning the gangs body's in an old furnace as Sy closed Harley's eyes.
"I can't believe Sy used to be a spy" Ivy said "I mean he's so..."
"Gross, the word you're looking for is gross" Harley said.
"Yep that pretty much covers it" Ryan said as he pressed the button to the subconscious and the elevator moved then stopped again.
"Harley, Welcome to your subconscious" Pyscho said as the doors opened and revealed a carnivals run by...Jokers.
"Oh are you shitting me" Harley said covering her face in shame.
"So, I'm going out on a limb here and say you're not over your ex boyfriend" Ivy said
"Of course she isn't..." Ryan muttered trying to resist the urge to punch every Joker in the face.
"Yes, you young lady" One Joker said "The one with the smeared lipstick you is still clearly obsessed with me. Try your luck at a game of skill and win daddy's love"
"Yeah no..." Harley said putting her hands on her hips.
"Oh I know it's rigged" King Shark said.
"No shit sherlock..." Ryan said as they all heard a demonic scream from more Harleys. They ran as fast as they could until they ran into a dead end. Then something threw a trash can through the boarded door.
"This way" A guy in a hood said as they followed him to the emergency exit.
"Hey, this is it" Pyscho said "Thank you, who ever the fuck you are" The guy took of his hood and it was a young Franky Nueces.
"Oh my god, it's eleven year old Franky Nueses!" Harley squealed in happiness.
"Hey Harley" Franky greeted.
"He knows my name" Harley said "I could die"
"Yeah, this isn't creepy at all" Ivy said sarcastically.
"No, it's not like that" Franky said.
"Yeah no I had a major crush on him when I was a kid" Harley said "I was planning to kidnap and marry him and once we hit puberty I was gonna tell him I was taking birth control and not take it and I get pregnant with his kid"
"Yeah, still creepy Harley..." Ryan said
"I see what's going on here" Pyscho said "He was truest love so some small sane part of her brain sent her a vision of him to help us"
"That's right. Good luck Harely" Frank said as he ran off.
"Seriously, Franky Nueses?" Ryan asked Harley.
"Oh, like you didn't have a crush on Torrie Wilson" Harley said.
"Hey, Torrie was and still is fine as fuck" Ryan said "I still have her 2003 playboy magazine"
Then Harley saw an island across from them. "What is that?"
"Repressed memory island" Pyscho replied. "It's where you keep all your screwed up memories"
"Ive, Ryan remember that glitch in my orgin story?"
"Oh, you think it's like a repressed memory or something?" Ivy asked
"Right and it's on that island" Harley said.
"Oh, then we gotta go there" Ryan said with a smirk as Harley walked away.
"Ok, she's made her choice let's go" Pyscho said.
"I'm going with Harley" Ivy said.
"Of course you are" Pyscho said "She's your only friend"
"That true, but that by design because she's the only human being besides Ryan who I think is worth a shit" Ivy said "Hey Clayface, how many acting jobs did you get before Harley and Ryan hired you?"
"Welm I did fill in for the dog that played Air Bud" Clayface said.
"And Pyscho, who took you in when literally the worst people on earth turned you away?" Ivy asked.
"Fine..." Pyscho said
"And King Shark, let's not forget-"
"I'm in!" King Shark said
"Oh thank God cuase I had nothing" Ivy said "And Ryan-"
"Say no more Ivy, I'd do anything for Harley" Ryan said "And I got a plan"
Ryan then grabbed Pyscho by the head and used him as a bowling ball to strike down all the little Harleys that were attacking normalish Harley.
"That's was not fucking funny!" Pyscho said.
"Sure it was. For me" Ryan said smirking. "We got your back Harles"
"Awe you guys" Harley said in a grateful tone. Just then more little Harley's appeared from under the docs. "We might be fucked, you guys should've totally have left"
"No way Harley" Ryan said Standing in front of her "If we die, we die together"
"I love you" Harley whispered.
"What was that?" Ryan said looking back at his childhood friend.
"Uhhhhh I said thank you" Harley said blushing.
"Ugh, Harley Quinn and Ryan Archer" Clayface said "It has been the up most pleasure to serve in your company" Clayface then transformed into Franky and led the little Harleys away.
"Oh great, now how are we gonna get to that island?" Pyscho asked.
"Gee, if only we had a shark of our own..." Ryan said sarcastically while looking at King Shark.
Later they made their way to the island and once they made their way inside they notice a door covered in police tape. Harley then ripped off the police tape and it show the memory of when Harleen and Joker were above the tub of acid that made her Harley Quinn.
"Here we are Puddin" Joker said "Dive in as Harleen Quinzel and rise as Harley Quinn. My beautiful creation"
"Ok here it comes. Here's where that peice of shit pushes me into the acid" Harley said crossing her arms.
"If you love me then jump" Joker said "And you'll be mine...forever"
"A dream come true Puddin" Harleen said as she jumped in the acid of her own free will.
"What? No!" Harley said as she collapsed to her knees in disbelief while the memory restarted.
"Whoa, are you ok?" Ivy asked.
"This whole time I thought he pushed me" Harley said "That it wasn't my chose. But it was"
"So you told yourself it was out your control" Ryan said kneeling next to her.
"Yeah, cause it was easier to blame him than accept the truth" Harley said.
"And the truth being what exactly?" Ryan asked.
"That it was always my choice. That I was in control all along" Harley said as she stood up. "And I still am"
Harley then merged with her former self while Joker just repeated what he said before.
"Hard pass" Harley said.
"Uh what?" Joker asked
"I said no idiot!" Harley replied.
"But you have to jump" Joker said "You can't change this. It's your origin story!"
"Wrong, It's not my orgin story. My real origin story didn't happen here." Harley said as the scene changed to Joker's lair. "It happened in your lair"
"And she wasn't alone" Ryan said as he jumped and landed next to her.
"I certainly wasn't wearing this" Harley said as she ripped off the doctor suit and summoning her bat "Nor was I saying you were a dream come true. I was saying go fuck yourself!"
"Harley stop this nonsense" Joker pleaded.
"I know you think you created me but no one did. My fucked up parents didn't make me the way I am. Neither did Jessica Starter when she fucking lied to the whole camp and said I lost my virginity to a horse. A horse!" Harley said ramming the head of her bat into Joker's balls as she took a moment to think "Ok, his dick was horse sized but that's beside the point"
All Ryan did was smirk ar the compliment Harley gave him.
"And you surely didn't fucking create me Puddin!" Harley said pointing at Joker.
"Yeah well, I named you!" Joker said
"You got Harley Quinn out of Harleen Quinzel? Nice job dumbass!" Ryan said as he punched Joker in the face which made him fall down. "Man that felt good!"
"You didn't create me Joker, I made myself!" Harley said.
"But you can't changed your memories" Joker said "This isn't Eternal Sunshine rules!"
Just then a pool table landed on Joker which left his lair in ruins just like it was before.
"My mind, my rules Harley said as she and Ryan walked out the frame and back into the art gallery where everyone was waiting then the found the exit and went back to the real world.
They gang all woke up and scared the shit out of Golda and Sy making Golda leave. While the others were arguing with Sy, Harley looked around the abandoned mall they were in.
"Guys this is it" Harley said "We found it"
"What, Hepatitis?" Ivy asked
"No, our new lair" Harley said "Look it doesn't matter what it looks like. The lair doesn't define us, we define the lair"
"Well, it's better than living on the streets" Ryan said. "Plus it's free"
"The hell it is" Sy said rolling in front of them. "This premium shopping destination ruins at a hundred grand a mon-"
"I said it's free!" Ryan said pointing his gun and Sy "Or you're gonna have more holes in you than swiss cheese"
"Ok, on one condition" Sy said "You let me come along on some of your heist. "Lugging around your dead husks made me feel alive again. I want back in the game baby!"
"Well, you did carry six bodies here I mean that's not nothing. Deal!" Harley said grabbing Sy's arm then accidentally pulling it off.
"Anyone got a philips head?" Sy asked.
Later that night while everyone was asleep Ryan was sitting up on his bed facing away from his window as the Moon shined through it. He kept thinking about all the Joker's in Harley's subconscious and all it did was make him angry.
"As long as that asshole is around Harley can never be free and happy" Ryan said to himself. "I know what I have to do...I must kill Joker.
RYAN HAS ONE THING ON HIS MIND. TO KILL JOKER. WILL HE SUCCEED? FIND OUT AS HARLEY QUINN: PARTNERS IN CRIME CONTINUES.RR FULCRUM OUT!