Puck lifted one end of the monstrous Italian-leather sofa with along with Trenchcoat, aka: Tim the Mumbler (and probable crackhead) on one side with Uncle Mike and Brian the Lumberjack on the other as Mrs. Madden and her balding, middle-aged husband argued over where to put it in the cavernous, three-story cathedral ceilinged living room. Finally, the bickering couple agreed on where the leathery behemoth belonged.
Right where they'd originally set the couch down.
Because she said so.
Panting, all four off-the-bookers set Leviathan's accompanying harem of overstuffed chairs big enough for three to sit in side by side, around him.
"Now, if you'll follow me to the back of the house where it overlooks the lake, I'll show you the redwood deck I need demolished to make room for the new, bigger one." Mrs. Madden clapped her immaculately manicured hands, adding. "I hope Wolf and Sons do the job right this time. They built the old one last year. It's already out of style."
"Puck, babe'gurl, it's snowin' again." Uncle Mike gave her a quick side-hug, "Go hang with Becca and her nice friends. I'll make it fast so we can all get home before the roads go bad." This wasn't a request. This was an order. "Your sister and Josie are already with them."
Puck shook her head, hissing, "No!" after asking why the hell Maggie and Josie would be here of all places?
Traitors!
Uncle Mike glared.
Puck glared back.
He mouthed "credit card bill".
Defeated, Puck ran upstairs.
It wasn't hard to find Becca's room because it was the entire third floor. The Stein's guest house would have fit in there plus the Stein's, the Stein's toolshed, and the Stein's SUV plus her aunt and uncle's motorcycles with her scooter tossed in at the last second.
"Dommmm-EEEEE-nooo's…" Becca crooned nasally, and then cackled as Puck's head crested the top of the gleaming hardwood stairs.
Puck shook her head, blinking.
The room was not only huge, it overflowed with over-priced everything including a matching set of the most over-priced teens ever.
Plus Maggie.
And Josie.
How could they? They were family!
"Domino's." Markus drawled, surrounded by enough braincell-killing bottles of nail polish to stock a Mall kiosk. He flicked one freshly painted hand dismissively at Puck while Josie, the traitor, bent studiously over the other, detailing his fingertips with tiny flowers, "Get me an Evian. With lime."
"That's not my name." Annoyed, Puck shook her head, adding, "Get it yourself, boy!"
"Oooooooooooooo!" Becca giggled as she closed the bathroom door behind her. "Little kitty gonna hiss?" came muffled through the closed door, followed by the clank of a toilet lid being raised and then loud retching.
As Josie and Maggie exchanged uncomfortable glances, Markus rose with a petulant gasp, hands on hips, nearly upsetting Josie who scrambled backwards clutching her set of tiny brushes, "What did you say, Domino's?" His eyes were blackened and his nose was swollen with a bandage across the bridge.
Puck almost but not quite backed away, saying. "I SAID that's not my name. Anyway, I'm not the maid. I'm only here to help with the demolition. Besides, do I look like an Alexa to you?" She suddenly loomed over Markus so fast he wasn't quite sure he saw her move.
Markus was tall, but not as tall as Puck.
And he wasn't about to back down. Not this time.
Aware he had an audience, Markus sneered disdainfully up into Puck's face, one plucked eyebrow raised, random chin hairs bristling. "You think you can come in here alllllllll tarted-up acting like you own the place, little whore? Besides, there's nothing to demolish up here."
More retching, followed by the long, drawn out sound of vomiting. Maggie who'd been off to one side poring over the latest Vogue magazine, looked away, magazine slipping unheeded from her lap and landing on the floor between her bedazzled Crocs.
"Oh no, not here, not now!" Maggie whispered to herself from the other end of the pink loveseat. Staring at her much taller twin, she automatically picked up the magazine and handed it back to Mindy whose eyes darted nervously between Puck and Marlene.
What the fuck? Puck cocked her head, processing the insult Markus had just spat at her. She was wearing Uncle Mike's Carhart work jacket, work boots, one of Aunt Raina's tank tops, and baggy Goodwill jeans! "Hhhhhhhave you been looking at yoursssssssssss-self in the mirror again?" she hissed, ears flattened. "Look at your chin. It looks like something Mr. Morph scrubs the school toilets with! If I were you, I'd demand my money back from your electrolysis technician, bitch."
"Bitch. BIIIIIIITCH?" Markus squealed, voice cracking, large, bony knuckled hands reflexively covering his chin, "You're the bitch, DOMINO'S!"
SCORE! Markus stood back, ready for the floodgates to open, only…
"Takes one to know one!" Puck shrugged. This was almost as much fun as the incident that got her kicked out of… No, make that, "woke her up to the waste of time Merston High was".
The cat-girl glanced over to where Maggie was now bawling with Mindy attempting to comfort her.
Typical.
"Why bother transitioning when you're just gay?" Puck said with a tiny smile. "All that money spent, and deep down inside, you'll always be a boy in a dress... with a broken nose!"
Markus screeched, forcing his hands away from his embarrassing chin, and reared back in his high heeled rainbow jewel-studded Amina Muaddi wraparound gladiator sandals, freshly manicured hands bent into claws—
"Marlene! No! Remember what happened in the bathroom?" Josie snapped, gripping the back of Markus's hot pink bedazzled "Nameste, Bitches!" crop top."You've only one nose!"
Markus backed off, breath whistling loudly from his swollen, bandaged nose.
Puck grinned down at him, one that Josie knew all too well: somebody was gonna get it!
"Puck, stop it! Just, stop it!" Josie scolded.
Puck relaxed... somewhat.
Becca's toilet flushed loudly in the sudden silence.
"It's not worth it." Thinking she'd defused the situation, Josie released her grip on Markus,
NOT!
Stepping forward, Puck grinned, giving Merston High's first openly trans student and the waste of human skin that was allegedly her child an appalling glimpse of glittering metallic teeth, and spat, "Gotta elderly drag queen for an uncle. At 98, she still passes better than you ever will– beard and all!"
Soooo, she brought Inelda Schnelz into it. The tough Holocaust survivor who haunted their family tree for decades would have effortlessly shredded this over-privileged twink with a disdainful stare over a freshly lit cigar without a second thought.
All while opening a fresh roll of Halls Cough Drops.
(Inelda loved her Halls, especially when dissolved in vodka.)
"Puck, stop it!"
Josie gave Markus, who was now sweating and purple, a warning glare.
Knowing someone had his back, Markus shifted into his favorite disdainful hipshot pose: "Alexa, Domino's, whateverrrrrrrrrr. Becca's mom is pay-ing you to work. NOT hang around lowering the property value. Either get back to work or get us all an Evian. With lime. NOW!"
"Fuck. You." Puck's tail puffed. Mom didn't raise no victims; her face became even more feline as she cooed, remembering how Mom handled things back in the Projects, "No, on second thought, Becca would get jealous – but she wouldn't stand a chance with you. Not that CHET cares, right? He's gettin' busy with Abbie Bominable in the backseat leavin' you without a ride!"
Becca stormed out of the crapper gripping a toothbrush. "Well you're the one who just loves to drape aaaaaaallll over every boy you see!" Becca added, "You fuck so many, you look like one!"
…
…
… every insult, every rejection, of being the one Mom surrendered because Maggie was "the cute one" landed right on top of Puck like a cartoon piano.
Damn Becca for ruining her fun! Puck dropped into a wobbly crouch, hissing, "That'sssssss it, I'll do all of you. Right here, right now!"
"Mumblemumble what'chu sayin' 'bout mumble li'l cuz?"
Huh?
All of them turned, Puck nearly tipping over sideways because she couldn't be fucked to listen to Uncle Mike's coaching. Tim slouched against the banister in his Tri-Gun style trench coat dripping with buttons and straps and a popped collar at the top of the staircase, bloodshot washed-out blue eyes studying them with unexpectedly intelligent malice.
"Whew!"Josie sighed in relief cheeks puffed. She abruptly caught her breath, released Marlene, and stepped aside, letting their disheveled intruder pass in a reek of stale beer, stale cigarettes, and even staler human.
"C'mon, Chick, mumblemumble MUMBLE! Y'uncle sent me t'tell mumblemumble mumblemumble help rip the shingles off the roof of this mumblemumble overdone bordello's boathouse."
Descending one slow, deliberate step at a time, Tim mechanically looked over his shoulder and winked at Puck as she scurried after him, never so happy to be ripping old shingles in falling snow as right now.
Only there was a little bit of unfinished family business Puck needed to settle before she got to work outside.
She stopped, and grinning, slowly turned halfway down the first flight of stairs so that she faced where three girls and some ugly dude with big feet and lousy taste in shoes watched her go. She made eye contact with Josie, saying, "Yo, Josie. You shoulda spilled onto the mattress."
Salad Fingers found a clump of trees near the lake.
He liked trees.
Trees were nice.
Trees didn't kick you.
Nor did they laugh when you and reality had a lover's quarrel, landing you in the mud, face down and covered in fleas.
Fleas aside, trees were a lovely place to set traps.
Especially if they were near lakes.
Isn't that right, Marjorie dear?