A/N: Hey everyone, so here we are the chapter to end all chapters. Also, I owe everyone reading this an apology: When I started work on Lapen 2, I had no idea it would go through development Hell. From working at my job, to coming up with different endings which didn't pan out, I was struggling to bring this story to the proper, crack conclusion it deserved. For everyone who held on and supported me, I cannot thank you enough. Again I'm deeply sorry for the 9-month hiatus but to quote Gabe Newell "I hope it was worth the wait."
Chapter 10: It Ends Now (No not the Remake featuring the Stephen King Clown Pennywise)
(Crash site, Earth.)
Steven awoke from the burning wreckage and grabbed a nearby shotgun. He wobbled through the remains of a Walgreens and saw Lapis, topless and on her back in the clearing.
"LAPIS!" Steven limped over to his injured wife and saw she was still breathing so using his healing spit, licked her injuries.
He was shocked to see her naked breasts also had bruises on them so he sucked and covered them in his healing saliva. That might sound gross but Steven did it to help Lapis' boobs and nipples.
"Mmmmmm thanks Steven…YIPE!" Said a blushing Lapis as she was still topless and frantically tried to cover up.
"Shit sorry!" Said Steven as he rushed to the wrecked Walgreens, grabbed a tube top, left the required money amount on the register and gave the top to Lapis.
Satisfied, Lapis then said "Thanks! Now I can cover up! Oh don't worry Steven, you'll see my naked boobs soon." Said Lapis as she put her top on and gave a cute jiggle.
Just then a huge energy blast landed near our heroes sending them flying in opposite directions.
"OW!" Said Steven.
Lapis landed with a thud, her top reduced to rags.
"Aw come on!" Said Lapis, as her tattered top struggled to cover her boobs.
"This ends now!" Said Dragon Mask as he was charging another shot but gets covered in debris.
Steven pulls out his phone and tries calling Mike Pence for backup.
"Dammit, why is it going straight to voicemail?!" Said Steven.
At that moment, a Helicopter lands with a guy saying "Steven and Lapis, Joe Biden has won the election."
"Oh okay, but what about reinforcements?" Asked Steven.
A nearby TV then has Biden address the nation.
"My fellow Americans, as your President, I realize that a conflict is taking place on our soil. One that my predecessor Donald Trump took part in, regarding two individuals named Lapis and Steven Universe. Under my administration, when asked if I would continue to help, my response was "Why the Hell would I do that?!" Therefore, like Afghanistan, I am freezing any further support for these two. In the event that the conflict escalates, it is still their battle and their battle alone." Said President Biden as he gets on a robotic chair that lifts him up the steps of Air Force One. Kamala Harris is seen beside him, rubbing her hands together greedily, as if plotting her takeover should Biden step down.
TV flickers off.
"Well this sucks….." Said Steven.
"…..Bollocks." Said Lapis.
"Don't worry Mrs. Pelosi has requested we return your kids to you." He said while handing Steven II and Grace over.
"WHAT?!" Said Steven and Lapis at the same time. Grace and Steven Jr. are tossed at Steven and Lapis who just managed to catch them. Steven and Lapis are all "WTF?!"
"And this parting gift." Said the Pilot who then gives the shocked parents a gift-wrapped box, Steven opens it and its some kind of walkie-talkie.
"MAY YOU AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY BURN IN HELL!" Cackled Pelosi.
Steven growls and breaks the device, startling Pelosi on the other side.
(Other side)
"Hey I paid money for that! AOC, raise taxes and gas prices so we can buy more walkie-talkies!" Ordered Pelosi.
"Coming up!" Said AOC but she was actually writing about SJW crap, playing Among Us and telling people she wasn't related to the legendary Conquistador who with the help of Dona Maria brought down that jerk Montezuma.
(Back to the story.)
"Daddy are you hurt?" Asked Grace.
"No Grace I'm okay." Said Steven.
"Mommy why are you dressed like that?" Asked a blushing Steven II.
"D-d-d-d-on't look at them!" Lapis also blushed, she managed to cover up but still showed huge cleavage.
"Look Grace, Mommy and Daddy are having a showdown, take your your younger by 12 seconds brother and find a place to hide…..NOW!" Said Steven as he gave them the Magic Pen, and got into fighting stances with Lapis.
"OKAY!" Said Grace as she took her brother to hide.
Dragon Mask finally emerges and charges at our heroes.
Steven summons his Pink Shield and flings it Captain America style at Dragon Mask, who catches it and flings it back at Steven.
The Half-Gem is able to catch it but Dragon Mask rubs, collides into and sends Steven through a wall.
"STEVEN!" Said Lapis as she uses her water fists to sock Dragon Mask in the face, sending him flying.
"He's too strong…must Fuse….." Said Steven.
But before they could do that, a figure rushes from behind, kicks Steven in the stones and slap's Lapis' face.
"AAAAH OH HO HO HO!" Said Steven.
"OW WHAT THE FUCK?!" Said Lapis.
The individual standing over them, was Rebecca Sugar.
"Hey Guys, I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!" Said Sugar like a Joey's World Tour intro.
"Crap." Said Steven.
"Also(she pulls out a Uke) Shipping Lapis X Steven is wrong Author, Having Steven X Lapis is wrong Author, share this song and Change your entire stories to be Non-Lapen from now on!" Sung Sugar like that creepy Lolcow That Vegan Teacher.
Pulling out her portable drawing tablet, Sugar drew something that came to life, a creature which terrified Lapis: a demonic Malachite.
"Not…YOU!" Stumbled Lapis.
"Oh Malachite Sweetie? Be a dear and keep Lapis from fusing with lil Stevie, oh Dragon Mask teach Stevie a lesson and I'll go write their bastard children off!" Chirped Sugar.
"OVER MY DEAD GEM!..." Said Lapis.
"Yawn." Said Sugar as Malachite grabbed Lapis.
"LAPIS!" Said Steven who started getting beaten up by Dragon Mask.
Sugar uses her tablet and draws a SJW Zircon.
"Now SJW Zircon, take this sniper rifle and if things go South, take the shot." Said Sugar.
"Okay Uh at Steven or Lapis?" Asked the SJW Zircon.
"...BOTH!" Said Sugar.
"Oh uh okay!" Said the Idiot SJW Zircon.
At that moment, other bad guys emerged from the wreckage and joined Sugar as she went and tried to hunt Steven and Lapis's children.
"Oh little Spawn of Steven and Lapis? Don't worry, Granny Sugar isn't gonna hurt you, she just wants to help her cute little bastard...I Uh mean lovely grandchildren." Said Sugar lying through her teeth.
Grace picks up a rock and tosses it in the opposite direction. Sugar hears and thinks it Jr. and Grace then fires in that direction.
"AH HA! Wait…Dammit!" Said Sugar.
"Mom and Dad are getting hurt, Grace I'm sorry about that time I threw a water balloon at you and when I dipped my hand in Holy Water while flinging it at you during Church." Whispered Steven II.
"Water Balloons?...Holy Water?...(Sees them in a store with a giant water balloon launcher) Bro that's it!" Whispered Grace.
"What is?" Asked Steven II.
"Look, follow me." Whispered Grace.
(Battle)
Malachite wraps its hand around Lapis' body and grips.
"AAAAH!" Screamed Lapis as her boobs rested above Malachite's grip.
"MUAHAHAHAHA! YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE FROM ME!" Laughed the evil monster as it reached for Lapis' top.
"NO! STOP!" Begged Lapis, as the monster's fingernail was touching the fabric of the damaged top.
Dragon Mask grabs a bleeding Steven and says "Aw would you look at that? Looks like Malachite is gonna strip your woman like a Barbie….."
From out of nowhere, a water balloon filled with Holy Water struck Malachite in some of its eyes.
"AAAAAAAAAH MY EYES!" Roared as the monster uses his free hand to rub the injured eye balls.
"LEAVE OUR MOMMA ALONE!" Said Steven Jr and Grace who had set up 2 portable water balloon launchers and fired a volley at Malachite, one of the shots hitting Dragon Mask.
"IT BURNS!" Said Dragon Mask.
Malachite drops Lapis who sprouts her wings before hitting the ground, flies up and socks Malachite in the face with water fists.
"I HATE YOU!" Said Lapis.
Malachite tried to strike Lapis but misses. Lapis recovers, grabs a long cable, flies around it's legs and trips it like an AT-AT walker from Empire Strikes Back.
She then grabs a huge hammer and strikes the monster's nose Gem and back Gem, shattering it and poofing the abomination.
The Kids fire more balloons at Dragon Mask.
"YOU…. LITTLE…. SHITS…I…. WILL….BE…AVANGED…..." He explodes.
"Huh? (Steven picks up the broken Mask and reads an inscription)…..Property of Samuel Hayden. Now it all makes sense." Said Steven, finding out Sugar bought a Demonic Robot from Doom Villain Samuel Hayden.
"Dragon Mask was a demonic entity Sugar purchased from Hayden?" Asked Lapis.
But before anyone could celebrate, The SJW Zircon pulls out a sniper rifle and takes aim.
"Lapis get down!" Said Steven he rushes to use his shield but it's too late.
With the squeeze of the trigger, Lapis gets shot in her gem, cracking it.
"LAPIS NOOOOOOO!" Cries Steven as he catches Lapis as she fell, her face turning pail, blood dripping from the side of her mouth.
"She...Shot my..." Gurgled Lapis.
"No Lapis don't say that, please don't leave me..." choked Steven.
"Steven…I…." Lapis poofed.
Time stopped.
Steven couldn't process what he had just witnessed: Lapis Lazuli Universe, his Bae, the mother of their two children, and his everything, was gunned down and proofed in his arms, before his eyes.
With their marriage and countless adventures flashing before his eyes, Our hero felt no joy, comfort or love. The only thing he felt, was uncontrollable rage.
"Yay! Hey Becky I shot Lapis!" Said The SJW Zircon as if they/them got someone fired for believing only two genders exist.
"Excellent SJW Zircon you're getting a raise!" Sugar turns her attention to Steven. "Aw did Momma Sugar cause a booboo?" Taunted Sugar.
"YOU POOFED LAPIS YOU SJW CUNT! I'M GONNA FUCKING END YOUR SHITTY ASS LIFE! YA DONE FUCKED UP NOW!" Roared Steven as if he was Black Dynamite and charges. The Zircon fires an armor piercing round so it penetrates Steven's shield striking him. But Steven is so enraged he's too pissed to give a shit. With the combined fury of Brock Sampson, Benjamin Martin, Kratos, Omni-man and Hanzo from MK Legends Scorpion's Revenge, Steven was Hellbent on making the Asshole Zircon suffer.
Several bad Gems attempt to finish him off but even wounded, Steven continued to fight, shoot, shield bash and claw at his assailants. He sees a gem with a laser arm so he rips the arm off, shoots Said Gem.
The Zircon tries to shoot again but Steven shoots first.
"SUGAR SAVE ME!" Cries out the Zircon but it's too late: for poofing Lapis, Steven stabs, shoots, and bludgeons the screaming Zircon not only to death but to the point where it will need a closed casket funeral.
Steven then sees what he thinks is Sugar but it's a a shape-shifted Sugar. The real Sugar shoots Steven again in the legs and kicks the Gem limb enhancer aside.
"YOU FUCKING MONSTER! YOU MURDERED LAPIS! WHAT DID SHE EVER DO TO YOU?!"
"I needed another villain but people loved her, she had to go. And Yes, I've seen many bad depictions of Steven and yours is by far the worst. Plus this is only the beginning: With Trump no longer in office, this MAGA crap will finally end. Too bad, you're too dangerous to see it." Said Sugar as she shoots Steven's Gem, causing him to poof.
Seeing their parents poofed, the twins start radiating energy, enraged energy.
Steven Jr. chucks a car near Sugar which causes her to stumble and drop her gun.
"Shit! Stop him from grabbing their shards!" Ordered Sugar.
Grace then lets out a supersonic scream causing the bad guys to cover their ears. Jr. then grabs their parents' damaged gemstones.
"No no no no!" Said Sugar.
Jr. uses his healing spit to heal Steven and Lapis' shards.
Sugar's forces assemble.
"Rebecca what should we do?!" Asked Pink Diamond.
"FIRE ON THEM!" Barked Sugar.
The evil forces of Sugar, Pink Diamond and Tumblr bombard Grace and Jr's position causing a lot of smoke.
"Good…now for that pen…." Said Sugar.
But as the smoke cleared, there was a giant pink Shield containing Grace and Jr. Then two figures emerged, Lapis and Steven, holding the Pen.
"Impossible….." Said Sugar who still rallies her forces to surround Steven, but gets hit by a flung chair.
"OW WHO THREW….?!" Asked Sugar.
"Me you stupid Tumblrina." Said Andy followed by Spinel, Garnet, Amethyst, Peridot "Clod", Pumpkin and even Greg and Rose.
"Well I'll just have to retcon all of you as well…" Said Sugar.
"Uh Boss?" Asked Pink Diamond.
Sugar turns around and sees lots of busses arriving and dropping people off. But these people were from other crack fics. Stories that had been written by JustSagan, MinorSmile and Boonaw just to name a few.
Plus, some portals are opened by a levitating individual.
"Tommy Help Wizard Friends!" Said Tommy Wizard Tard. He summoned his mind-broken Pearl as a steed, was accompanied by Tardified Edgy Bitch - Eldar Wizard Lady, and even brought some Warhammer Tau friends with him.
From these portals emerge Gay Greg, Big Boy Steven, Az-Laar the Demolisher, Hank Hill and Trumperer Swan along with Alt-Right Pearl.
"PRIDE MONTH IS OVER?! I'M EVER SO PISSED! Huh? Trudeau is extending PRIDE Month all summer? OH JOY! He should extend it for life! I can't wait to cuddle with him later and do black face!" Said Gay Greg as he Tra-la-la-la-la-ed onto the battlefield.
"I tell you what, That Rainbow Boi Gay Greg Aint' right. But neither is Rebecca Sugar with that boi haircut." Said Hank Hill as he summoned his fiery propane powers.
"Don't worry Hank, I have my Pizza Power-ups." Said Bill as he ate a pizza slice, got big and strong.
"I am Vladimir Putin's worst nightmare; my sand will blind the enemy." Said Dale as he got his bag of sand.
"Dang Ol' SJW Mods censoring dang ol' folk who dang ol' did nothin' dang ol' wrong." Said Boomhaur with an AK-47 and lots of ammo.
"BIG BOY STEVEN SURVIVED CHAIR, PARDONED BY TRUMP AS HE LEFT AND NOW WILL HELP OTHER STEVEN AND BOOBIE LAPIS! BIG BOY STEVEN WILL GET BIG BOY POINTS FOR TENDIES!" Said Big Boy Steven.
"HONK HONK! = Unlike Biden, we have your back." Honked the Trumpeter Swan.
"Yup! After this I'll go to a private university!" Said Alt Right Pearl.
Watermelon Tyrone arrived with 4Chan Kekistan Pepe Troops marching to their anthem Shalididay.
"HEIL KEK, HEIL STEVEN, HEIL LAPIS AND HEIL WATERMELLON MY NIGGAS!" Said Tyrone.
The Kek Troops saluted.
Pump-Action-Dewey arrives while riding Lion.
"ROAR!" Said Lion.
"I FUCKING AGREE LION! OUR FUCKING REVENGE IS MOTHER-FUCKING OVERDUE!" Said Pump-Action-Dewey.
"OH NO THAT VOICE!" Said the still blind Blue Diamond.
"MPHPHPH!" ("WE'RE GONNA DIE!") Said messed up face Yellow Diamond.
Three Spies show up with Double Dee who, aside from his hat, is only in his underwear, socks and shoes.
"EEK!" Said Double Dee trying to cover up.
"Where the bareback, doggy style, pile driving, bull-fuck are we?!" Asked Sam.
"Who the fuck Cares?! We gotta defend Daddy Double Dee from these Diamond cunt assholes!" Said Clover.
"Fuck yeah! I'm Alex the M-nkey Girl, I make Double Deez' Nuts twirl, I eats me fried Chicken, as I choke Double Dee's Chicken, I'm Alex the M-nkey Girl! BLAM BLAM!" Sung Alex to the tune of Popeye the Sailor Man and popping two caps in the air with a gun, even though she's only half black.
Everyone pauses.
(A/N: I'm not racist, just politically incorrect.)
"Ooooooookay then….. Anyway…Crack Characters, Assemble!" Said Steven.
The Crack Fic characters' charge at Sugar's forces in what could be described as a cross between the epic charge from Avenger's Endgame, the charge of the Rohirrim in Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and other epic charges, start mowing the bad gems down.
Blue and Yellow try to stomp on Pump-Action-Dewey but he dodges, whips out a super shotgun from DOOM Eternal and keeps shooting. Yellow Diamond swipes at Dewey and knocks Lion aside.
"LION NO! I'MA FILL THESE DIAMOND DOUCHE CUNTS WITH SHELL AFTER FUCKING SHELL!" Roared Dewey.
The Diamond's feet are blown off as they trip and hit the ground hard. Dewey then runs up and says "SUCK ON THIS IN HELL YOU FUCKIN' SPACE NAZI DYKES!" Said Dewey as he shoots Blue's Diamond instantly poofing her and doing the same with Yellow Diamond, all while biting into a Slim Jim. Dewey also feeds Lion some Slim Jim's to help him recover.
As Dewey helps Lion, Double Dee is frantically trying to find clothes.
"This is bad! I need clothes!" Said Double Dee.
Jasper shows up.
"Boo." Said Jasper.
"EEK! YOU'RE LIKE 3 KANKERS IN ONE! PLEASE DON'T KILL, HURT OR RAPE ME! ESPECIALLY THAT LAST PART!" Said Double Dee.
"PFFT Yeah right! I am gonna enjoy ruining your ass Muhahahahaha!" Laughed Jasper who was wearing a testosterone patch and pitched a tent while regrowing her balls no homo.
Sensing Danger, Alex roared "BANZAI!", slid underneath Jasper and delivered a cunt/ballbusting hit.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY OYSTERS AND CLAM!" Screamed Jasper who grabbed his/her aching balls.
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! GET HIM/HER GIRLS!" Said Sam as she, Clover and Alex dog-piled and pinned Japer to the ground on his/her belly.
"Double Dee, kick his/her balls." Said Clover.
"Teach this bitch/asshole a Ballbusting lesson!" Said Alex.
"Shit let me go!" Begged Jasper.
"Normally I look down on violence and Mother told me to never hit a man's/woman's testicles. But if you could get me some clothes afterwards, I'll be glad to punish this Jasper person." Said Double Dee.
"You fucking got it!" Said the Spies, as they asked Jerry to fetch Double Dee some clothes.
"Thanks! Well, here goes nothing." Said Double Dee as he kicked Jasper's balls.
"OW! OWIE! OUCH! DOUBLE DEE IS KICKING MY BALLS! I'M A WARRIOR GETTING MY NUTS KICKED BY A DWEEB! WHERE ARE THOSE KANKERS?!" Wept Jasper.
"There-there Mr./Ms. Jasper, The Kanker Sisters Overdosed On Meth and died when their Meth Lab blew up, These kicks should rehabilitate you of your rapist ways." Said Double Dee who kept kicking Jasper's balls. (Don't try that at home.)
Gay Greg used his Gay Guitar as a weapon while frolicking around singing "I'm Coming Out."
As that was going on, Big Boy Steven saw a giant Gem Ship flying towards Earth.
"Big Boy Steven destroy ship for Tendies!" So he picks Gay Greg up and hurls him at the ship.
"GAY SUPERNOVA ACTIVATE!" Said Gay Greg as he penetrated the ship no homo, causing it to blow up in a giant, fiery, double rainbow.
"Big Boy Steven, Where Gay Greg?" Asked Tommy Wizard Tard who along with Dark Eldar Lady were fighting some of Sugar's Henchman.
"Big Boy threw him at ship for big boi points!" Said Big Boy Steven.
Gay Greg then collided to the Earth in a gay crater.
"That was...Super...Duper...Gay." Said Gay Greg as he passed out.
Not far from the crater, more corrupt gems started to flank Hank and his friends but they form a propane phalanx and fight them off.
"We're gonna kick your asses with propane!" Said Hank using Propane-Bending-Powers.
Az-Laar is having a blast smashing different enemies, fortifications and SJW feelings.
"I BRING WAR, I BRING ASS WHOOPING! AND I ALSO BRING FACTS!" Said Az-Laar as he pelted his enemies with logic.
"OUR FEE-FEES!" Said the defeated SJW's.
"BATTER UP!" Said Az-Laar as he swung his mace and destroyed an SJW campaign truck.
Steven and Lapis link up with Az-Larr and Trumpeter Swan.
"Thanks guys! How did you know we needed help?" Asked Steven.
"Why that Chap' Tommy Wizard Tard used his Tard Magic to reach out and contact the other crack characters." Said Az-Laar while wrecking a Animal Rights Activism Monument.
"Awesome!" Said Lapis.
"There's too many SJW's!" Said Sadie.
"They keep coming and will soon outnumber us, what will we do?" Asked Lars.
Trumpeter Swan shows up and makes a few honks.
"HONK HONK HONK! Sugar is using the SJW servers to gather forces and coordinate cancel culture, we need to those servers offline." Honked Trumpeter Swan.
"Indeed a great and wise suggestion Trumpeter Swan. Pump-Action-Dewey! We must destroy these nearby Tumblr and Twitter servers!" Said Az-Laar.
"FUCK YEAH! LION, MARK YOUR TERRITORY ON THAT ANTI-GAMERGATE SERVER!" Ordered Dewey.
Lion obeyed and while showering that server with piss, Dewey pulls out an RPG and blows up the Tumbler Server.
"Az-Laar Smash!" Said the burnt Troll as he destroys the Twitter servers causing the site to go down.
"What is going on?!" Barked Sugar.
"Twitter, Tumblr and now Anti-GamerGate sites are down! We cannot coordinate with our forces!" Said Aquamarine.
Az-Laar was pleased with his handiwork but then came across Pearl.
"PLEASE DON'T HURT US!" Said the demented Pearl.
"Az-Laar wait she's a different Pearl!" Said Steven.
"Oh okay…..(to Pearl) don't worry, you're cool." Said Az-Laar.
"Thanks! We are good Pearl!" Said Pearl all Sméagol-like.
At that moment, Sex Offender Pearl showed up via portal with a football.
"Phew, that hiatus helped me escape, now I can relax." Said Pearl as she kicks a football which hit Steven's nuts.
"OH NO STEVEN!" Said Lapis cradling her injured husband.
"Master Steven!" Said Az-Laar.
"Now that…is a Bad Pearl." Said Steven pointing at Sex Offender Pearl.
"…Oh Fem Poopy." Said Sex Offender Pearl.
"WAAAAAAAAR!" Said Az-Laar as he whipped his baseball sized shaft out (no homo) and cock slapped Pearl's balls with it. (Also no homo.)
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH SEX OFFENDERS DESERVE A BILL OF RIGHTS!" Said Pearl.
"And you wonder why people hate you." Said Lapis.
"WE BEEZ THE PEARL NOW!" Said Sméagol Pearl who tackled Pearl and bit her nuts off, causing the latter to scream like a diva.
"Worthless Sex Offender Pearl, Aqua do something!" Said Sugar as she kicked Aquamarine into the battle.
"Oof! Don't worry I'll stop Steven!" Said Aquamarine as she summoned a magic wand.
"WIZARD PEEPEE BATTLE!" Said Tommy Wizard Tard as he knocked Aqua's wand out of her grasp and tea-bagged her.
"AAAAAAAAAH!" Screamed Aquamarine.
Eldar Wizard Lady fought another bad gem and curb stomped her opponent with her prosthetic LEGO brick leg.
The Arlen gang managed to fight off several Gems loyal to Sugar, Bill grew too big for the Propane Phalanx and is like a giant Ant-Man.
"This is fun!" Bill giggled like a kid stepping on bugs.
"Watch out Bill, You'll cause collateral damage!" Warned Hank.
"Then Putin and his Russkies will call us out." Said Dale.
"Got dang ol' Bill breaking dang ol' everything like dang ol' Godzilla in dang ol' Tokyo." Said Boomhaur.
Then Bill accidentally crushes a vehicle.
"Uh Hank, I may have stepped on Kahn's car." Said a giant Bill.
"DUMB HILLBILLY! HOW WILL KAHN PICK UP JAIL BAIT SCHOOLGIRLS WHEN WIFE NOT AROUND?!" Asked Kahn.
"YOU CHEAT! ME PUNISH YOU!" Said Kahn's wife as she dragged him home by his balls.
"AAAAIIIIEEEEE! YOU WIN THIS ROUND HANK HILL BUT LIKE SPICY RAMEN NOODLES I WILL COME A BACK!" Said Kahn, as his scene went on far too long.
Bullets, lasers and missiles were lighting up the sky as the battle escalated like some Jerma video.
"Steven, what about the Pen?" Asked Lapis.
"Don't Worry I got it." Said Steven who tripped and dropped it.
Steven and Sugar try to grab it but an uninvited guest picks it up, who happened to be Hobo DarkSydePhil.
"Stupid Tax Attorney…..(clears throat)Huh? (clears throat again) What's with this dumb pen?" Asked Phil as he cleared his throat a 3rd time.
"Look Burnell, that Pen can alter reality, now hand it over." Said Sugar.
"PFFT Yeah right! I uh wish it would rain money!' DSP Clicked the Pen.
At that moment a bunch of dangerous Silver dollars started to fall.
"OW SHIT DAMMIT OKAY I UH Wish I had some Pussy (Turns into a girl) EEK! I TAKE IT ALL BACK!(Is a guy again but also accidently wished the money away) crap uh okay now I wanna date Marilyn Manson…WAIT MARILYN MONROE MARILYN MONROE!) (Manson shows up and starts abusing DSP) OW OW OW THE ALLEGATIONS ARE TRUE! WHY CAN'T YOU BE FAMILY GUY MARILYN MANSON?! UNDO! (Manson is gone) STUPID PEN! (Slams it against a wall but breaks it.)Uuuuuuuhhhh….Kojima made me do it." Said Phil.
Everyone face-palmed, DSP then said "...Lame.", like Eric Cartman.
"Grr forget about the stupid Pen, I'm Rebecca Sugar and I say otherwise!" She conjures up some Satanic SJW powers and ties everyone up. "Now I shall harness my powers from every adult LGBT video on the internet MUHAHAHAHAHA!" Said Sugar.
"Wait, so you mean every LGBT video?" Asked Steven.
"Am I a Non-Binary Parrot? I said Every LGBT VIDEO!" Said Sugar.
"Even….that one?" Asked a vague Steven.
"Which….one?" Asked Sugar.
Steven asks Sugar to lean in and whispers the name.
"What is this …..Two Girls One Cup you speak of?" Asked a confused Steven.
DSP tries to warn Sugar "Bruh, it's about…" A tentacle wraps around his mouth.
"Oh it's about two Lesbians eating meals they made for each other." Said Steven.
Normally Steven's friends would say no to this but played along.
"Whelp, I can't take over the world without every adult LGBT video so, guess I'll just watch." Said Sugar as she summoned a huge screen and started the video.
Using Morse-code blinking, Steven tells his friends and family to shut their eyes.
Like something from Raiders of the Lost Arc, Sugar is at first impressed, then horrified at what she and her followers saw.
"AAAAHHHH POOOOPY!" Said Sugar.
"THAT DOESN'T GO IN THERE!" Said Jasper.
Aquamarine is all "WHY?!"
"STEVEN?!" Asked Lapis with her eyes closed.
"LAPIS WHATEVER YOU DO KEEP YOUR EYES SHUT!" Said Steven.
Sugar drops her tablet breaking it and runs to the nearest restroom to hack her guts out.
"What was that?!" Asked Topaz in another stall.
"Eh who cares?" Said Connie as continued having sex with Topaz in said stall.
Evil spirits from the short video haunt those still watching it but Steven and friends are spared. Once the video closes, our heroes open their eyes and see that Sugar's forces are in fetal positions.
Reinforcements arrive and arrest Sugar.
"So...much...poop..." Said Sugar as she's arrested.
Pink was too busy watching cat videos on YouTube to see what was going on and discovers she's on her own and is all "Oh uh look at the time I best be…."
"YOU LEFT ME HANGING YOU CUNT!" Said Spinel as she tacked and mud wrestled Pink into submission.
Everyone cheers, thank Steven along with Lapis and after a huge celebration, return to their stories of origin.
"So uh…I guess we won." Said Steven.
"Yeah...it's been a helluva adventure." Said Lapis.
"Yup, several SU style hiatuses here and there but we still made it." Said Steven as he hugged Lapis, Grace and Steven Jr.
"Mommy, Daddy, does this mean our story is over?" Asked a worried Grace.
"Story over?" Asked an equally worried Steven Jr.
"To be honest, I don't know, this crack fic is almost done, but our adventures are only beginning." Said Lapis.
"Yup, there are so many directions we can go: adventures, sagas and crossovers." Said Steven.
"And Birthdays?" Asked their kids.
"Yes, And Birthdays." Said Steven and Lapis as they hugged their kids and went home.
Unbeknownst to our heroes, Sugar had dropped Phil during the chaos who went and hid in a pile of garbage.
"Smells like my underwear." Said Phil as he pulls out his phone and makes a call.
"Yeah it's me Phil, Look I need a favor, do you still have that contact?" Asked Phil clearing his throat.
A/N: The battle has been won, but what is Phil's last ditch plan? Will it work? Tune in for the final, final, FINAL chapter.
So yeah that's the climax. Originally this would be the final chapter but I felt it was missing something. So now there will be one more short chapter released in a few days. Thanks again and this final chapter will resolve everything.