Ch. 7
Conflict of Interest

The journey to the kingdom seemed to take forever. Timmy remained his cheery self the whole ride there, not even bothered that I was so obviously captured. The other elves tried chatting me up the whole ride there, asking me questions about myself, the kingdom, and about the Stick. For some reason, they seemed to think that we had it. But no matter how much this confused me, I kept my mouth shut for the entire journey.

Timmy finally came to a stop in front of a tall green house. I could see two elf guards standing by the front door, both armed with swords. The elves forced me out of the wagon and pushed me up towards the house. The guards eyed me suspiciously before stepping aside and letting us walk through. The whole time we walked, all I could think about was why on earth would the Elf King want to see me? Now that I think about it, I had never seen him nor knew his true name. I was going in completely blind.

One elf opened the back door before we stepped out into the yard. The first thing I noticed was that there were more trees and even more tree houses. The second thing was that there were many more children in this kingdom than in Kupa Keep. I guess these kids didn't feel like playing with Cartman. Even if I had been plotting a way to escape from this, I would have a hard time doing it with this many elves around.

As we got closer the crowd separated, leaving enough space for us to walk through. I could hear a war drum subtly playing in the background as I tried to keep my head down, but the eyes of the elves around me bore into my very skull. I noticed a large structure ahead of us and glanced up. There was a wooden platform straight ahead of me and on the platform were three figures. Two of them appeared to be guards of some sort- one was a blond boy who was dressed in a similar fashion to most of the elves, while the boy beside him wore an armored blue cap, a blue tank and a cape. Between them, sitting on a magnificent throne of tree branches, was none other than the Elf King- A young elven boy with a stern expression on his face. He wore a red cloak adorn with gold trimmings and a crown of twigs over his green trapper hat.

The second my eyes landed on the king I was immediately caught off guard. I had definitely never seen this boy before, but a part of me was suddenly glad that I had. The king was… well, much more attractive than I thought. Cartman always spoke about him with such disgust that I was expecting someone nasty and evil-looking, but he looked nothing of the sort.

To my surprise, the king seemed caught off guard by me as well. He seemed to blink at me in confusion before gesturing to the warrior in the blue cap. He marched over to the king, and the two seemed to be whispering to each other. I watched them carefully as we finally reached the platform and the drummer suddenly stopped. The king muttered something else before he waved his hand, and the warrior stepped away.

"We have brought you the human mage, my lord!" the elf said proudly, pushing me in the back to make me step forward. I shot him a quick glare before turning to look up at the king, who was looking at me with an expression of disbelief.

"This is the new kid everyone is talking about?" he asked in a calm voice.

"Yes, my lord."

The king raised an eyebrow at his guard before turning to me with a curious expression. "You've been causing a lot of trouble for us lately. What's your name?"

"He won't talk, Elf King. He thinks he's hot shit or something."

"He was mouthing off a whole lot when we caught him though," another elf jeered. "And he actually wanted to fight us at first! HA!"

The elves that had captured me started to laugh, and soon the crowd around us joined in. I glanced all around me at their snickering faces, feeling my face turn red with anger. These pricks are so lucky that I'm outnumbered as hell in here.

"Motherfuckers…" I muttered angrily.

The Elf King, however, was not laughing. He was staring down at me, that curious expression still etched on his face. It was kind of cute. The King suddenly raised his hand, and the laughter ceased immediately. He glanced at the crowd for a moment before lowering his hand.

"I'll ask you again, human," he said, his voice as calm as before. "What do they call you?"

I could feel my knees shaking slightly when he spoke to me like that. I swallowed hard before raising my head.

"I am Sir Ash the Mage."

"The mage of Kupa Keep?" the king specified. "The same one who fought my troops at the Giggling Donkey?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. Were there other mages besides me?

"Yes?"

The kings' brows furrowed slightly, but I remained silent. He turned his head and gestured towards the crowd to my right.

"Bill, step forward."

I turned my head to see a small elf boy step through the crowd to stand in front of the platform.

"Is this the mage, Bill?"

The elf turned to look at me. "Yes, my lord."

"Tell them what you told me."

The elf took a deep breath and turned to face the crowd of elves. "I was at the Giggling Donkey the day we took back the Stick. We had been assigned to help the Bard in bringing it back to the kingdom. Me and two other elves were told to keep watch in the attic to keep the humans from hiding. One was led out of the attic into a trap, and the other passed out after an explosion. I was all alone, low on health… and the one the humans believe to be the Dragonborn was standing right in front of me."

It wasn't until he said those words that I finally recognized him. It was the young elf that I had spared and given some Snaky Cakes to. As he recounted the events, several elves seemed to shiver in fear while others stared angrily at me. I gulped, wondering what the point of all this was.

"But… he didn't attack me," the elf said in a voice that was much less terrified. "He showed me mercy and even gave me one of his own health potions. It gave me the strength I needed to gather our men and return home safely. If it wasn't for him, I'd be a goner!"

The reaction was instant; the crowds of elves started whispering and muttering to themselves, each one sounding just as astonished as the last. I stared around at the elves with raised eyebrows. What was going on?

"The humans of Kupa Keep and the elves of Larnion have been at war for a thousand years," the king stated. "Neither side has ever shown the other mercy. Why did you?"

Seeing no harm in telling the truth, I shrugged I said, "I don't know. He just looked so scared and helpless… I didn't wanna hurt him."

More whispering and muttering from the elves. It was starting to get annoying and I was really tempted to tell them to zip it. My train of thought was halted when I noticed that the Elf King was smiling.

"I was hoping you'd say something like that."

He waved his hand and the elf named Bill walked away, glancing over at me before disappearing into the crowd. The king stood from his throne and stepped off the platform, stopping only when he stood in front of me.

"I didn't intend on having you captured like this, but when we heard you were rallying reinforcements for the Wizard King, we had to be quick. I needed to make sure we got to you first."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "So why did you bring me here?"

"To tell you that you're playing for the wrong side, dude," he turned away from me, putting his hands behind his back. "What did Wizard Fatass tell you? That we broke the rules and took the Stick last night?"

"Yeah," I answered. "And as far as I can tell, no one else is playing with us, so if it isn't at Kupa Keep it could only be here."

"Well, it isn't. He's lying!"

"Cartman is the one you should be fighting against," the warrior chimed in. "He's hiding the Stick- which is cheating- and acting all betrayed and sad to get YOU to recruit more people for him."

"I'd say he was more angry than sad."

"You have to believe us," said the king.

"Give me one good reason why I should trust you," I said sharply. "How do I know this isn't just some trick? You could be hiding the Stick just as easily as he could be."

The king frowned. "What? You want me to prove it?"

"Why not? If you say you didn't take the Stick then you shouldn't have a problem with me looking around. Unless you've got something to hide."

There was uproar from elves all over the yard, some shouting curses at me and others asking for me to be thrown out. The boys who had brought me in were gripping the handles of their weapons and eyeing me angrily. The king was staring at me with intent in his forest green eyes, and it took everything I had not to turn away from his gaze. I clenched my jaw and held my head high, affirming that I would not be changing my mind. After a moment, the king let out low sigh and held up his hand. The yelling lingered for a moment before the yard went silent once more.

"Very well," he said stiffly. "You have my permission to search the kingdom. My best ranger Stan and I will guide you to ensure you don't cause any trouble."

I was about to snap at him but was stopped by what I had heard. Stan? Have I heard that name before?

The king walked up behind me and began to untie my wrists. As soon as they were off, I stretched my arms and straightened my robes. The king turned to face the crowd of elves.

"Go back to your business, men, and prepare for tonight."

Several elves saluted before scattering across the yard while a few remained stationed at the platform. The armored ranger- Stan- stepped off the platform and moved to stand next to his king.

"Follow me, Sir Ash."

They both turned and started to walk away from the platform, and I lingered for a moment before following them. While we walked, I looked around to properly observe the kingdom without the piercing gazes of everyone to distract me. There were training grounds in the far corner and stations similar to the ones in Kupa Keep, though they were built in a more elven style. There were a few structures with "Keep Out" signs nailed to them, and a tall birdbath adorned with flowers and a sign that read "The Fountain of Wisdom". Part of me wanted to explore the new kingdom, but I had to focus on getting out of here and finishing the mission.

The first place I searched was the platform and throne first. I figured the Elf King would have some sort of shrine or pedestal like the Wizard King, but I found no such thing, nor did I find the Stick hidden away.

I searched through the ground tents next. The elf boys around them gave me the stink eye as the king told them to let me search the tents. If the king himself wasn't hiding it, then maybe one of his soldiers was. But the strangest thing I found in the tent was a toy that looked like some sort of Pokémon rip-off. I searched all around the tent to see if there was some kind of secret case or bag but found nothing. Eventually I gave up and left the tent.

Stan and the king lead me over to a tall tree that had a ladder going up the large trunk. Even from down here I could see platforms above where elves had built their shelters. Stan gestured to the tree, and I began climbing first. I reached the first shelter and stepped onto the platform. There seemed to be nothing in the tent besides a pillow, a blanket and a bag full of potions. I had to be thorough though, so I rummaged through the bag and looked inside the pillow just to be sure. I could feel the two boys' eyes on me the whole time.

"So, what's your real name anyway?" I asked as I glanced over at the king.

"My name is Kyle, and this is Stan."

Kyle… I've heard that name too. Suddenly it all clicked in my mind. Stan and Kyle were two of the friends Butters had mentioned yesterday. He did say many of his friends chose the side of the elves and that they were among them.

"Oh yeah, I've heard of you two," I spoke casually as I dug through the pillow case, finding nothing still. "Butters told me you two were with the elves."

"He did?" asked Stan.

"Yeah," I turn to face Kyle. "He failed to mention you were the king though."

"I'm guessing he doesn't have anything nice to say about us at the moment."

"Just that you're a bunch of dirty, rotten scoundrels."

I lingered for a moment before stepping out of the tent. I moved up the ladder and onto the next level, where a lone elf stood guarding his tent, a large sword in his hand.

"No tricks, human," he said warningly, holding the sword out to me.

"Stand down, soldier," Kyle said calmly. "It's alright."

The elf glared at me for a moment before lowering his weapon and stepping aside. I gave him a polite nod and stepped into his tent. Once again, nothing but a blanket, pillow and supplies.

"So, how exactly did you get involved with the game so quickly?" Kyle asked.

"The humans sought me out," I said as I searched through the boxes. "According to them, my arrival was prophesied by a "Coldwell banker". After my family moved in, I went out to explore the town and I found Butters fighting one of your elves. He was getting his ass handed to him, so I stepped in and helped him. He offered to be friends, then brought me to Cartman, and now I am here."

Part of me was wondering why I was being so opened with these boys who are supposed to be my enemies in this game. I guess I felt their questions were justified. I was the new kid in town after all, and I somehow managed to squeeze my way into a game that these kids have been playing long before I came here. Still, I was being careful with my words to ensure I did not say too much.

I quickly realized that if the Stick was hidden here, it was not in this tree. Sighing in defeat, I started to make my way down the ladder, Kyle and Stan just behind me. I waited until they finally reached the ground before turning to make my way to the other side.

But just as I passed the tree something grabbed my elbow and yanked me back, slamming me against the trunk. My scream was cut off as a hand came up to cover my mouth. I opened my eyes to see Stan standing in front of me. I glared and tried to curse him out, but it was muffled by his hand.

"Shh, shh!" Kyle hissed, sounding less calm than before. "Hold on, it's okay. Just wait a second."

He raised his hands to shush me as he turned his head back, as though making sure no one was watching. I tried to move a little but Stan's grip on me was too tight. He was looking in the same direction as his king, not paying attention to me at all. My eyes narrowed as I opened my mouth as best I could and bit down- not hard enough to break skin, but enough to make him let go. As predicted, he gasped and yanked his hand away from my mouth. While he was distracted, I shoved him in the chest and tried to step back, but as I did he reached up to grab me with his other hand.

It felt like time had slowed down when I realized he had grabbed my beanie and not my robes. Before I could stop myself, I tripped and fell to the ground, my hands going down to catch me. I could feel them shaking as I slowly pushed myself up, and my vision was suddenly shielded by a wall of green; my hair was on full display.

I sat there for a solid 3 seconds, feeling my heart pounding in my head. The lump in my throat was hard to swallow as I slowly pushed myself to my feet. Dreading what their reactions would be, I slowly turned to face the two boys- both wore an expression of absolute shock.

"Holy shit, dude…" Stan muttered.

Kyle gulped. "You… You're a girl, aren't you?"

I opened my mouth to respond but nothing came out. What could I possibly say to make this go away? My secret was out, and what was worst, my enemies had discovered it. No way they won't tell the others. That's it. I'm out.

Without anything to say, I just closed my mouth and hung my head. I'm not much of a crier, but the thought of being stuck in this town without any friends was something I was not looking forward to. I heard footsteps in front of me and I looked up to see Stan holding my beanie and headband out to me.

"I'm sorry."

That broke me from my frightened trance for a moment. "W-What?"

"I didn't mean to rip off your hat," he said lowly. "I was trying to keep you from running away, and… it was an accident."

I blinked up at him, unsure of how to respond. So, I simply nodded and took back the beanie and headband. I quickly put them back on, making sure all my hair was tucked in. Kyle stepped forward, a cautious expression on his face.

"We're sorry to corner you like this, but when we saw you, we had to find out," he explained. "We knew that Cartman had gotten the new kid to fight for his side, but nobody told us it was a girl."

My eyes narrowed at them. "Wait… you already knew?"

He nodded. "Duh! I could tell when I saw you."

"Me too," said Stan. "At first we thought Cartman died and got replaced, but everyone kept calling you 'he', and we weren't sure."

"I guess you guys don't normally play with girls?"

He shook his head. "No. Not ever, really."

"The girls in our grade don't like stuff like this," Kyle said simply. "I thought my guards might have taken you by mistake, but once you told us your name, we knew it was you."

"Yeah? Well, congratulations. You fucking caught me," I folded my arms and kicked at the dirt. "So, are you gonna tell on me now?"

I do not know why I bothered asking. Of course, they were going to tell. Why wouldn't they? Even if I was not a girl, I was still their enemy in this game. Like Kyle said, I had been giving him and his minions hell and they would probably love an excuse to get me out of the game.

"Cartman doesn't know, does he?" Stan asked.

"Do you think I'd still be playing if he did?"

Kyle nodded. "Yeah, he'd definitely try to banish you if he ever found out."

"Probably."

"Which is why we're not going to tell him."

I blinked at him several times, once again very confused. Stan looked a little confused too but did not say anything as Kyle continued.

"Look, he's going to find out you're a girl sooner or later, so there's really no point in us telling him. Besides, even if he kicks you out of his kingdom, there's always another solution."

"Like what?" I asked.

"I know we never met you outside of the game, but I can tell that you are a brave and clever warrior, Ash," Kyle said seriously, sounding more like a king again. "And I'd bet my right arm that your magic is strong enough to defeat anyone, maybe even the Grand Wizard himself. He might be stupid enough to try to kick you out for being a girl, but I'm not so petty."

I was a little surprised to hear him compliment me in such a way. He looked and sounded so genuine; I could feel my face starting to heat up. Am I blushing again?

"What are you saying?"

"I'm making you an offer," Kyle stepped forward, the stern expression of a king returning to his face. "Before I sent my elves after you, we had tracked a Twitter raven that said you are currently trying to recruit the goths for the Wizard. Go recruit them but bring them to us instead."

My jaw fell open. "What?"

"With their assistance and your magic, we can ransack Cartman's stupid kingdom and get the Stick back once and for all!"

The warmth left my cheeks as I scowled at the king. Of course, he was trying to get me to betray the humans and help him get the Stick- assuming he himself was not hiding it somewhere else.

"And why would I do that?"

Kyle gave me a serious look. "Ash, when the wizard finds out that you're a girl and that you've kept it hidden from him this whole time, he will kick you out. But the game doesn't have to end for you there," he suddenly smiled at me, causing my heart to leap in my chest. "I can provide you a place within my kingdom, where you won't have to hide who you are. Not only that, but I can also guarantee you a spot in my court as one of my highest-ranking commanders."

I'm not sure what I was expecting him to say, but it was not that. I figured he would try to bribe me with some cash or something, but this was a much better offer. Forget being a human, he knew I was a girl and was still offering me a way to play with them. But the second I started to consider his offer I instantly started to feel guilty. The others brought me into the game in the first place, they taught me how to fight, they trusted me enough to make me a member of their kingdom. Could I really betray them just like that? But what if the Elf King was right? What if Cartman did hide the Stick just to use me to get more followers?

But, despite the situation causing me a whole lot of conflict, it also gave me hope. If a boy from the enemy side was willing to let me into his kingdom just to let me play, then maybe not all the guys would be mad about playing with a girl. Maybe there was a chance that the human boys could be convinced.

"But, what about your elves?" I asked Kyle curiously.

"The elves of Larnion are loyal to their king," Stan said proudly. "We trust his word over any doubt in our minds."

"In other words, they'll just have to deal with it."

"Even if I'm a girl?"

Kyle sighed as he took a step towards me, and I felt electricity shoot up my arms as he reached out to grasp my hands.

"Ash, you managed to trick Cartman into thinking you were a boy without even trying. Do you realize how fucking hilarious that is? Everyone will be laughing too hard to care."

I had to admit, the idea of seeing Cartman throwing a hissy fit over being tricked so hard was a funny one. I chuckled slightly and Kyle grinned at me.

"See what I mean?"

I shrugged. "But, even so, I'm still a human."

"A human trapped in a place where you're constantly hiding. You wouldn't have to worry about that here. If you were in my kingdom, you could live freely as yourself, and with a proper title," he eyed me knowingly as he spoke. "I think "Lady Ash" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

I felt my heart start to thump when he called me "Lady Ash". I had to admit, it sounded much better than my current title. In fact, everything the Elf King was offering me was everything I could want out of this game. At the very least I would finally be able to stop worrying about my hair all the time. But even as I imagined playing in the streets without needing to worry about hiding, a sudden pang of guilt hit me in the chest. In order to have those things, I would have to betray the people I had built so much trust with- Cartman, Kenny, Butters… I pictured Butters' with a betrayed expression on his face and instantly felt ashamed. But, the thought of not having to live in hiding anymore was overwhelmingly tempting.

I slowly retracted my hands as I turned away from the two boys, staring at the ground. What am I supposed to do?

"You're actually having trouble deciding?" Stan sounded very shocked.

"It's just…" I gulped. "Look, I know my situation sucks, but I don't know if I can betray the others like that. They're the ones who brought me into the game in the first place, they made me a member of their kingdom. They're my friends."

"How can you say that when you've been lying to them about this?" Stan asked. "We've known you for a fraction of the time they have, and we already know more about you than they do."

Kyle suddenly held up his hand. "No Stan, she's right. A choice like this isn't easy to make when you have friends involved."

"Even Cartman?!"

"Don't get me wrong, that guy is an asshole who needs a reality check," I said quickly. "But, he's oddly entertaining to be around. Plus, I get the feeling he's the kind of person you don't wanna piss off."

Kyle rolled his eyes and nodded at me. Stan did not look convinced, but he just sighed and folded his arms. Kyle took a step towards me.

"I understand that this must be a difficult choice for you, but you have to know what you're dealing with here. When they learn the truth, they will turn on you."

He reached up and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, and all I could do was look at him. What could I even say right now? I felt something push me forward and before I knew it Kyle was leading me back out to the open courtyard, one hand at my back. Stan followed quietly behind us as we reached the center of the yard.

"Please return the mage's wand," Kyle called out to his elves.

The elves that had brought me in grumbled irritably as one of them came over, holding my wand. He gave it to Kyle who did not hesitate to give it to me. I examined it to ensure those creeps had not done anything to it before tucking it safely into my robes.

"I'll leave my offer open for now, Ash," Kyle said in an affirming voice. "Once you have recruited the goths, it will be up to you whom you recruit them for. I hope you'll make the right decision."

There was something intense in his gaze when his eyes locked with mine, something that made my heart do a few more flips. I mentally shook myself out of it. Not now damn it, not like this. I was not sure what I would decide to do later, but I didn't want to leave any ill feelings just yet. I smiled at the Elf King, placing a hand on my chest as I bowed to him.

"Thank you for the offer, your majesty," I told him, and I truly meant it. "I will definitely put it into consideration."

Maybe it was my imagination, but Kyle's whole body seemed to stiffen when I said that. He shook his head slightly and bowed back.

"I was hoping you'd say that," he glanced around at the other elves before raising his voice. "Ranger Stan, I'm assigning you to guide Sir Ash back to the school. Report back here once he has reached it safely."

Stand bowed his head. "Yes, my lord."

I was a little shocked by this. I had not made my decision yet and he was already assigning his men to help me? Butters was waiting at the school for me, and I knew for a fact that he would be angry and confused if I turned up with an elf by my side. But, before I could protest this, Kyle stepped towards me and reached a hand up to touch my shoulder.

"Go, Sir Ash. May your journey be safe and prosperous."

And with that, the king lowered his hand and turned, making his way back towards his throne. I could not help but stare after him, my skin still covered in goosebumps.

Stan and I both thought it would be a good idea to take a fast travel to the school. I warned him ahead of time that Butters was traveling with me and was supposed to be waiting for me at the school. He seemed a bit irritated at that but assured me that it should be fine. Once Jimmy arrived, we both stepped in and began to take off.

I decided to go ahead and check out my stats and abilities on the way there and took out my phone. I could see Stan glancing at it over my shoulder as I upgraded my perks.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"Almost 11."

"Anything new on Facebook?"

"Not really. Haven't gotten any new notifications lately," I looked over at him. "Why don't you look on your phone and see?"

A sad look crept onto his face. "I can't… my phone was stolen."

"No!" I gasped.

"Yes, it's awful. My contacts, my maps, my friends list, all taken from me by the dreaded She-Ogre."

"There's an ogre?"

"Indeed," Stan folded his arms as he grumbled bitterly. "My bitch of a sister is a wicked creature that has no soul and loves to see me suffer. She has a personal vendetta against me."

"WHAT?!"

I screamed and leapt to my feet, causing Stan to flinch back slightly. The wagon came to a sudden halt once I stood up and Timmy looked back at me, confused. I could not help it. Phones are practically a necessity these days, and an awfully expensive necessity at that. What right did she have to take it? Not to mention she was cruel enough to steal from her own brother. What a bitch move!

"Your own sister stole your phone?" I asked him harshly.

Stan nodded quickly. "Yeah, she snatched it from me while I was getting ready to play today."

My mind was racing. On the one hand, this boy was a stranger and an elf at that. There was no reason for me to worry about his affairs, especially ones that may not be a part of the game. But still… the thought of someone doing something so scummy made me sick.

I took a deep breath and let it out through my nose. "Which way is your house? Is there a fast travel there?"

Stan swallowed hard and pointed a thumb behind him. "Back that way, but there isn't a fast travel, so I don't-"

I didn't wait for him to finish before I leapt out of the wagon and started making my way back down the sidewalk. We didn't go too far, so I could still see Kyle's house up a head. I heard footsteps from behind me as Stan ran to catch up with me.

"Wait, what are you doing?"

"Your sister can't take your shit, dude," I said irritably. "That's not even a part of the game or anything, it's just blatant robbery. Plus, it's fucked that she would steal from you in the first place."

Stan blinked at me, stunned. "You want to help me battle the She-Ogre and reclaim my iPhone? But, the goths-"

"Are smoking themselves silly by the school with literally nothing else to do," I said matter-of-factly. "I have all day to spend recruiting them if I have to. Right now, we're getting your phone back."

Stan seemed surprised by my response. I gave him a stern look to let him know that I wasn't changing my mind. He stared at me for a moment before his expression changed from surprised to intrigue.

"You truly are brave, Ash. Perhaps you are one to be trusted," he gripped his hand into a tight fist and raised it up. "Very well, let us end this!"

We both started running down the sidewalk, Stan leading the way passed Kyle's house. He slipped on the snow slightly as he turned into the driveway next door. I followed him up the stairs and through the front door. No one was inside that I could see, but the TV was on and, playing an episode of Terrance and Philip.

Stan glanced around the living room before marching up to the stairs.

"So, what should I expect?" I asked him as I stared up the dark, ominous stairway.

"An angry She-Ogre willing to do anything to keep her hoard. The things she's done… it makes me sick," Stan turned to face me. "I'll warn you Ash, nothing can prepare you for this battle. If I die, tell the guys I fought bravely."

I shook my head and gripped his shoulder tightly. "Worry not, you will live to tell your friends the tale yourself. Besides, I've only fought a few edgy sixth graders today and I need to get some energy out of my system."

"Are you certain you can handle her? Even if I had three boys by my side, I would be worried about facing her."

"Have a little faith in me, dude," I grinned at him. "I've been giving you guys hell for a reason, remember? I'm actually pretty good at this fighting stuff."

He nodded. "If you say so."

We both turned and began heading up the stairs. As we reached the top, I could see a small hallway with four doors in front of us. It was oddly quiet. I glanced around the hall as I walked up, and my eyes landed on a photograph on the wall. I felt my jaw fall open as I recognized the man in the photo as Randy Marsh, the man I had helped escape from the spaceship last night. He was smiling while holding the arm of a brunette woman, who could only be his wife. Where they Stan's parents?

"Down on that side is where my parents sleep, and across from that is the cave of the She-Ogre."

Stan's voice snapped me back to reality as he pointed from the one door on the left to the furthest door on the right. I guess that confirms my suspicions. This town really was small.

I followed his hand and marched towards the door of his sister's room. I couldn't hear anything, but I was sure that she was in there. That little thief was going to learn a harsh lesson.

"You ready?" I asked.

Stan nodded as he took out his sword. "Fuck yeah."

I gripped my wand tightly as I reached up and pushed the door opened. The first thing I noticed was a girl laying on her bed. I could see why Stan called her an ogre. She had messy, tangled brown hair, pimples scattered across her face, and a mouth full of metal thanks to her headgear. She was laying on her bed holding what was obviously Stan's phone as he stepped forward and pointed a threatening finger at her.

"Give me back my iPhone, demon!"

The ogre glared and shouted in a gargling voice. "YOU LITTLE TURRRD!"

"You stole your brothers' phone and you're calling him the turd?" I snapped at her. "Looks like we gotta knock some sense into you."

"Yeah, let's see you try and take us both!"

The ogre didn't seem to take that well. She let out a phlegmy scream before leaping off the bed and charging at us. Stan stepped forward and raised his sword to block her attack. She snarled and took a few steps back. The battle had started.

"Your days are numbered, She-Ogre!" Stan declared loudly.

I knew instantly what I wanted to do first and I had just enough PP to do it. I took out a roman candle and lit it as I ran up to the ogre. The sparks shot at her face and her greasy hair instantly caught fire. She cursed at me as she waved her arms wildly around in the air. Stan marched up to his sister, holding his sword at the ready. He raised it up and swung it hard at her side. Both of our attacks took down some health, but not enough to keep her at bay.

The ogre advanced on me first, raising her feet as she kicked and spat at me. I was able to block her kicks, but I couldn't prevent the spit from hitting me in the forehead. It felt like acid when it hit my skin, and I could feel my health depleting.

I leapt back from her and reached into my pockets to pull out a small mana potion- a half-eaten burrito I took from the fridge. I scarfed it down quickly and I could already feel my stomach start to rumble. I ran towards the ogre, bent over and shot myself into the air, raising my wand and smacking it against her head. She clutched her head and groaned angrily.

Stan gripped his swords with both hands as he ran up to the ogre. He suddenly started spinning in a circle, smacking the creature each time he spun around. After a few turns he jumped into the air, raising his sword and bringing it down on her head. The ogre cried out as I saw a bit of blood drip from her forehead. The bleeding was causing her to lose health faster.

The ogre reached for something in her pants and pulled out what was unmistakably a bloody tampon. I was so shocked that it nearly hit me when she threw it, but I was able to smack it away with my wand.

"Nasty bitch!"

I swapped my wand for my crossbow and quickly loaded it. I decided to try a trick. I bent over and let out a Dragonshout, then aimed at the cloud and fired an arrow through it. It hit the ogre right in the chest and she instantly fell to her knees and vomited. Stan didn't give her a chance to stand before running forward. He took out what looked like a small laser pointer and aimed it right at her head. A second later a small brown dog burst through the door, staring directly at the laser.

"Go boy!"

The dog growled before it leapt on the ogre, biting her several times, and knocking down her health. It also seemed to take down her defense. She eventually shoved the dog away, and he turned and ran out of the room. Stan then pulled out a power potion- looked like apple juice- and chugged it down in a few gulps. He tossed the bottle away and gripped his sword with determination.

"Die you disgusting wench!"

He ran forward and did another spinning move, ending with a good smack to the head. She quickly got up and immediately began kicking and beating on him. Stan was able to block the first few hits, but the next few landed right in his face.

"Stop, asshole!"

He shoved at her and stepped away, tripping on his feet and falling back on his ass. I could tell just by looking at him that he needed some health. Thankfully, he didn't need to be told as he immediately started shoving cheesy poofs into his mouth. I quickly chugged down a strength potion and I could feel my attack rising. I ran up to the ogre and gave her three good smacks right to the face. Combined with the bleeding and the fire that was still on her head, it was enough to bring her health way down. Just a few more hits and we will win!

"You're done!" Stan jumped to his feet and gave his sword a good swing into her gut. "Finish her off, Ash!"

I didn't hesitate to march right up to the bloodied ogre and bend over, releasing a huge blast of Dragonshout. She fell to her knees as she began to throw up all over the floor. It was the finishing blow that we needed. The She-Ogre let out a disgusting groan before falling over, landing in her own puke. Stan knelt beside the creature and searched through her pockets before finally pulling out his phone.

"I've got it! Let's go!"

I nodded and leapt over the fallen ogre to follow him out of the room. As he reached the doorway, Stan turned to glare at his sister.

"Take mine iPhone again, and I shall bring justice swifter yet."

The ogre lifted herself up and glared at us through bloody black eyes. "Get… out… of my room, TURRRRDS!"

I stuck out my tongue and flipped her off before turning and making my way down the stairs, Stan following close behind me. We kept running and didn't stop until we were both standing on the front porch, heavily breathing in the cold air.

"That was awesome!" I panted, grinning. "Gross, but awesome."

"No kidding. That's one of the best fights I've had in ages," Stan looked at me, astonished. "I wasn't sure if you'd be able to handle her. Last time she took my phone the boys and I got too grossed out to get it back."

I folded my arms and puffed my chest proudly. "Well, as you and I both know, I am no boy. It'll take a lot more than spit and bloody tampons to make me crack."

"Yeah… you're right."

Stan stared at his phone in his hands, but the screen remained black. I raised an eyebrow as he carefully placed it in his pocket and turned to face me.

"I can't thank you enough, Ash. I was but a stranger to you before, not only that but your enemy. Yet you were willing to put yourself at risk to help me," Stan stood his sword on the ground before kneeling in front of me, bowing his head. "I bow to you, brave ogre-slayer. I'm glad to call you my friend."

I blinked at him in surprise. I hadn't even made my decision on who to recruit the goths for, and he was already calling me his friend just for helping him out. But with the shock came a strange feeling of pride; this boy who had never played with girls before was so thankful that he had kneeled for me. I wasn't even royalty or high ranking. I smiled at him, putting an arm across my chest, and bowing my head to him in return.

"Of course, brave ranger. I always stand for what's right, no matter the cost."

Stan grinned as he got to his feet. "Now, let's get you to the school."

With that, we started walking down the sidewalk, back towards the nearby fast travel.