"Victor? Victoria."
By MaturePopcorn
Description: Victor has some heavy things on his mind. He's been so depressed he can hardly function, and he knows his friends will always be there to help.
WARNING: T for drinking, language, etc.
Author's note: I'm fucking tired.
Much love,
~Hannah
Chapter 003
Victoria anxiously crossed her legs, then uncrossed them, then crossed her legs again. She was vibrating slightly from nerves, and Hop noticed immediately and grabbed her hand. "You're gonna be okay," he whispered.
Hop and Victoria were in the waiting room of the therapist's office on the Wednesday of Victoria's appointment. Victoria had requested that Hop come with her; she knew that if she had come alone, she would have bolted at the first bit of anxiety, and there was a lot of anxiety to go around.
Victoria glanced over at her friend and said, "I'm a little nervous though." She paused, then said, "Okay, a lot nervous. I don't know anything about this stuff."
"That's why you're here," Hop responded. "To learn, and get some help. She'll really help you start on this path."
Victoria sighed and bounced one leg up and down, unable to get the excess energy out of her. She just wanted to get this over with, so the therapist could prescribe her the hormone treatment and she could begin her new life.
Suddenly, a door opened from down the hall, and a woman stepped out and walked into the waiting room. She called into the room, "Victoria?"
Victoria stood up, feeling her legs begin to weaken. Hop reassured her, "I'll be right out here for when you finish. You've got this, mate."
Victoria nodded and took the steps towards the woman. She extended her hand and said, "I'm Dr. Altman. Let's go back to my office and see if we can't figure some things out. Sound good?"
Victoria nodded her answer and followed Dr. Altman down the hall, entering the second room on the right. Dr. Altman sat down at her desk, and Victoria sat across from her, on a comfortable cushion chair. She crossed, then uncrossed her legs, then told herself in her head to calm down; crossed or uncrossed, just pick one.
Dr. Altman said, "I can tell you're nervous, but it's okay. The beginning is always the scariest. Things will get better."
Victoria couldn't help herself from blurting out, "When can I get hormones?"
Dr. Altman blinked. She laughed quietly and responded, "That may take several months. Insurance is slow, and sometimes a little antiquated… I'll need to see you at least once a week for a while to get some background, and then I can refer you to an endocrinologist, who will prescribe the hormones. I legally can't prescribe them."
Victoria felt her heart sink in her chest. It was going to take all that? She fought the urge to bolt out of the room, to take the easy way out; she knew she needed to see this through if she ever wanted to be truly happy again.
Victoria couldn't think of anything to say. Dr. Altman noticed her mood shift, however, and quickly said, "I believe if everything goes smoothly, you'll be on hormones by November. At the latest, January." She looked at her notepad and asked, "Let's get started, then. When is you're birthday?"
"July 18th, 2002."
Dr. Altman wrote this down, then said, "So you're over 18. Good, that should speed things up. Where are your parents?"
"All the way in Postwick. Just my mom, though," Victoria answered.
Dr. Altman asked several more basic questions like these, getting a somewhat fuller picture of her new client. Victoria fidgeted in her seat as she answered, and when Dr. Altman said, "Just a moment, I need to write some things down," she took out her phone.
Victoria texted Hop, "Save me."
Hop immediately responded, "Literally? Or rhetorically?"
Victoria sighed silently and replied, "Rhetorically."
Hop quickly texted back, "You'll be okay. You've got this."
Suddenly, Dr. Altman looked up from her notepad, and Victoria hastily put her phone back in her pocket. Dr. Altman abruptly asked, "Do you drink or use drugs?"
Victoria hesitated, then answered, "I drink. And I smoke cigarettes."
Dr. Altman nodded and asked, "How much do you drink?"
Victoria glanced at the floor and found herself wanting to be as honest as she could. She murmured, "A lot, I guess. Like, every day for a while now. But I don't always get super drunk; most nights I just get tipsy. Sometimes I blackout though."
Dr. Altman wrote this down as well, then asked, "Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"
Victoria snorted and said, "Maybe. But that's not why I'm here."
Dr. Altman nodded and said, "That's fair. I just want you to know that drinking and cigarettes affect hormone medication; your endocrinologist will go more into detail when we get to that step. You may want to consider quitting both now, so you're ahead of the game in several months' time."
"I don't want to think about that right now."
"That's fair," Dr. Altman said. "We'll move on for now."
Dr. Altman asked more questions, then, when Victoria felt as though she were going to melt into her chair, she asked, "Tell me a little about how you came out, and what was on your mind. Who knows you're trans so far?"
Victoria narrowed her eyes in discomfort. She said, "I came out to a few friends on Valentine's Day, including the boy who was in the waiting room with me. I had drank the night before and all my friends were worried sick, and I finally broke down enough to admit to them what I've known for a while now. No one else knows; not even my mom. I think she'd take it okay? But I'm scared anyway." She hesitated, then added, "I don't want the media to know yet."
Dr. Altman nodded and said, "You're the former champion, and I'm sure when they find out, there will be stories and articles. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
On the one hand, Victoria was grateful that Dr. Altman hadn't even acknowledged her fame status until now, and had treated her like she would any other patient. On the other hand, however, she felt as though Dr. Altman was very avoidant of difficult subjects; Victoria was too, but that's why she didn't like it in her therapist. She needed someone to push her to do the difficult things. She decided to continue with her anyway; she just wanted to start the hormones, and she was willing to do anything she had to do.
The two talked for a while longer, and Victoria told some childhood stories of how she knew she wanted to be a girl when she was very little, but suppressed those feelings because she wanted to fit in and was scared something was wrong with her. Dr. Altman filled her in on the timeline of hormones, and after 45 minutes, Victoria found herself standing and shaking her therapist's hand. It had felt like five minutes and five hours at the same time.
Victoria said goodbye to Dr. Altman and left the office, making her way back to the waiting room. She walked over to Hop, who was engrossed in his phone, and said, "Hey. I'm done."
Hop looked up and smiled. "How'd it go?" he asked.
Victoria shrugged and answered, "Good and bad, I guess. Let's just start walking home and we'll talk about it then."
The duo walked out the front door of the building and turned left, heading in the direction of Victoria's house. Hop turned his head towards her and asked again, "So really, how'd it go?" After a moment of silence, he asked, "What was good, and what was bad?"
Victoria filled him in on what she had discussed with her therapist, and Hop nodded and listened patiently. When Victoria finished going over the details, she sighed and said, "I don't want to wait almost a year. I just want to be on hormones now."
Hop furrowed his brow in genuine concern. He smiled faintly and said, "It's gonna be okay. It'll teach you patience, if nothing else."
"I don't want to learn patience," Victoria lamented. "I just want breasts."
Hop laughed suddenly, and had to stop walking for not being able to keep his eyes open all the way. He chuckled out, "Tori, mate, you'll get there. I'm glad you can joke about it, though."
Victoria frowned. "Mate, I'm not joking."
Hop stopped laughing and smiled warmly. "I know you're not joking, per say, but I'm glad you can be playful."
Victoria held her tongue; she had been entirely serious, and wasn't trying to be playful at all. She decided to let it go; it wasn't worth getting mad over, especially considering it was just Hop. She said, "Well, I'm just glad I got that first meeting out of the way. And… By the time I start hormones, I'll have longer hair, too."
"See?" Hop said. "Positive thinking."
Victoria smiled faintly. This whole process was a lot harder than she figured she was really prepared for, but she had her friends on her side, and that was all she needed to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Today had been better than days prior, and it was barely one o'clock; and, she was sober. Maybe this whole process wouldn't be so bad after all.