"Victor? Victoria."
By MaturePopcorn
Description: Victoria is deep in her transitional process, and things in her life are slowly getting better, even if it is sometimes two steps forward and one step back.
WARNING: T for language and drinking, etc. Darker themes in future chapters, especially in Chapter 006.
Author's note: Yuh. This story is beginning to mean a lot to me. Hope anyone else is enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it. Chapter 006 up soon; it will be a lot more depressing than this one is.
Much love,
~Hannah
Chapter 005
It was now early June; about three months had passed since Bede disposed of Victoria's liquor, and in that time she had only drank twice. Both times, however, she blacked out, and the second time, about a month after the first, she tried to drink her normal amount and, with no tolerance, ended up far too drunk, and had to be helped back to her house from a nearby pub. Hop stayed by her side the entire time, and many tears were spilled all around, but ultimately she ended up okay. She vowed never to drink again, and so far, she had stuck to her vow for over a month and a half. She did, however, continue smoking cigarettes.
Victoria had told her mom that she was trans, and that she'd like to go by a new name and new pronouns, and it had gone over well. Her mom promised to try her best, but warned that she may slip up purely out of habit; she promised that if she did, it wasn't on purpose. Victoria was grateful for her support and love, and made sure to tell her that.
Today was important for Victoria. Today was the therapy session in which Dr. Altman would officially refer her to an endocrinologist, and she could hopefully start hormones soon.
Victoria's hair had grown out a good amount even in a relatively short time, as it wasn't the shortest to begin with, and she was happier with the way it looked. Her bangs covered one eye, swept to the side, and the back of her hair almost reached her shoulders. She had agreed to let Marnie take her shopping for new clothing after her appointment, and she was anxious, but looking forward to it.
Victoria got up from the couch she was sitting on and walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge to find something to eat. She found little in the way of appetizing food, however, and decided she should go grocery shopping before her therapy appointment. Victoria glanced over and stared at her now empty liquor cabinet; it was tempting to just buy more alcohol, but after the pub incident, she was dissuaded from drinking, and the temptation passed quickly.
Victoria gathered her things and walked out the front door of her house, beginning the one mile walk to the grocery store. She wasn't looking forward to having to carry groceries a mile back, especially considering it was uphill, so she decided to only buy some necessities and wait until Marnie showed up to get the rest of her things. Marnie now had a car, and had been driving about two months; she sped, and occasionally drove a little scarily, but Victoria didn't mind. She figured she'd drive like that if she had a license at all.
Victoria hummed to herself as she walked. She was honestly quite a bit happier now, with things moving along pretty smoothly all things considered, and she hadn't thought about self-harm in weeks. She brought Tofu out every day, and saw her friends frequently. Overall, Victoria was much better off than she had been a few months prior.
Victoria arrived at the store and grabbed a basket on her way in. She first picked up a box of cereal, then a half-gallon of milk, then…
As Victoria was about to reach into a refrigerator and grab a half-carton of eggs, she heard a woman's voice behind her say, "Is that former champion Victor? Great Arceus! Can I have an autograph?"
Victoria turned around and faced the voice. She hadn't been called "Victor" in quite some time, as the only people she regularly saw were her friends and therapist. Victoria feigned a smile and said, "Uh, sure… Do you have a pen? Paper?"
The woman produced a Sharpie from her purse and said, "I don't have paper. Just sign my purse!"
Victoria chuckled and took the Sharpie. She signed her name on the woman's purse, careful not to add the "ia" to the end of her name as she had grown accustomed to doing, and handed the Sharpie back. The woman grinned a wide smile and clutched her purse close to her as she walked away.
Victoria immediately felt awful, a stark contrast to how she had been moments prior, and she couldn't quite place why. She knew being called "Victor" stung, but she theorized that the real reason was because the entire general public still saw her as a boy, and a lot of people would probably change their opinion of her when she finally came out publicly. As Dr. Altman had said during their first meeting, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." Victoria turned around and picked up the half-carton of eggs and attempted to shake the negativity off of her.
As she wandered the store looking for more things to buy that she could easily carry, she found herself in the liquor aisle entirely by mistake. She stared at a huge bottle of Grey Goose and seriously considered buying it and just having a couple shots when she got home. What harm would two shots do? Victoria shook her head to herself; that would only lead to another ten, and she had important plans for the day.
Victoria's impulsivity got the best of her, however, and she made a split-second decision to buy a single 20oz beer. That way, she couldn't drink any more after that, and a single beer wouldn't even get her properly drunk. She picked one out and put it in her basket.
Victoria picked out the rest of her things, taking less than five minutes to do so, and went to the front of the store. She paid for her things (and got called "Victor" again by the cashier), then went outside and began the walk back home.
Opening her beer less than 100 feet from the grocery store, Victoria took a large sip and grimaced. She'd always hated the taste of beer, and only ever regularly drank hard liquor. She decided she'd suck it up, however, and drink the rest of it; she'd paid for it, after all.
Victoria arrived home about twenty minutes later, and only had a couple sips of the beer left. She went in and unloaded her groceries, finishing her beer in the process, and decided that after drinking so much liquid, she was no longer hungry. She chuckled at the irony of the situation, of having gone shopping just to get home and not even eat anything, and threw away the empty can.
Victoria looked at the time on her phone; it was just past noon, and her appointment was at one. Normally she would've had to have left her house by now to arrive on time, but she didn't have to worry today, as Marnie had agreed to pick her up and take her. Victoria knew she'd be there any moment, so she went upstairs and brushed her teeth to get rid of the smell of beer, changed her clothes, and put on the perfume Hop had bought her. Overkill, sure, but she didn't want to worry her friends.
Just as she was walking back downstairs, Victoria heard a knock on the door. She went over and opened it, and Marnie and Bede promptly walked inside; Victoria closed the door behind them.
Bede said, "Sorry, I'm coming with you two so I can buy some new clothes, too, and since you're going to the store straight from the appointment, I figured I'd tag along for the whole adventure. Hope that's okay."
Victoria smiled. She responded, "That would be great. I don't mind at all."
Marnie opened the liquor cabinet and, upon seeing it empty, nodded and closed the cabinet door. She turned towards Victoria and asked, "You still haven't drank, right? Since the incident at the pub, that is."
Before she could answer, Bede added, "You better not have. It's poison."
Victoria snorted at this and retorted, "What, you've never drank?"
Bede shook his head. "Nope. Never."
Victoria opened her mouth, then closed it without a word. She honestly hadn't expected that answer. She eventually shrugged and decided to tell the truth. "I had a beer today," she said.
Marnie and Bede both frowned deeply. Marnie asked, in a gentle voice, "Why?"
Victoria answered truthfully, "I got dead named at the store twice today, and had to autograph my dead name, too. I just wanted something to take the edge off; it was just a beer."
Bede, surprisingly, shrugged back and said, "If it was only a beer, it's probably not that big of a deal. I don't want you drinking at all, but I'd prefer that over getting plastered again. Still, I'd prefer if you didn't do it again."
Marnie frowned again and turned towards Bede. She said, "I thought you of all people would care the most."
Bede shook his head. "I do. I don't want her drinking, but if she's going to, I just don't want her to go overboard."
Victoria nodded and said, "I don't ever want to black out again; I plan on never drinking that much again. A single beer is different, though."
Marnie still looked concerned. She said, "If you say so…" After a silence fell across the room for a moment, Marnie cleared her throat and said, "Should we get there a little early? We can listen to music and talk in my car in the parking lot."
Victoria nodded and replied, "Sure, I'm ready whenever."
The three friends walked out of the house and, after Victoria locked up behind them, they got in Marnie's car, Victoria sitting in the passenger seat and Bede sitting behind her. Marnie started the car and handed Victoria the aux cord as she drove off towards the office.
They talked, laughed, and listened to upbeat music on the way there, and after less than ten minutes they arrived. They sat in the car a while longer until eventually, at 12:50, Victoria hopped out of the car and said, "I'll be back in about an hour." Bede and Marnie nodded their responses, and she walked into the office.
Almost immediately after entering the waiting room, Dr. Altman came out of her office and said, "Victoria, would you like to start early? I had a cancellation at noon."
Victoria nodded and made her way down the hall and to the office. She joked with her therapist, "When do you eat lunch, then?"
Dr. Altman chuckled and said, "Two, usually."
Victoria chuckled back and said, "I'd be cranky if I waited that long to eat lunch."
Dr. Altman smiled and said, "You seem to be in a good mood today. What's up?"
Victoria shrugged, her smile faltering. She began, "Well, partially it's because my hair is growing, and I'm going clothing shopping today. It's partially because today's the day I get my referral. But…" She hesitated, then said in a somewhat quiet voice, "It's also partially the beer I had."
Dr. Altman frowned. "I thought that after the incident, with Hop finding you in a pub passed out, you'd quit for good. You were doing so well."
Victoria shrugged and attempted another smile. "It was only a single beer." She slightly exaggerated, "Besides, I hadn't'd drank in like, two months. I figured it wouldn't hurt anything."
"Why did you drink, though?"
Victoria explained, and Dr. Altman nodded solemnly. "Getting dead named in public is hard," she said, "But if you want this referral, you need to stay away from alcohol. Dr. Russel, the endocrinologist, will explain further that alcohol and cigarettes can affect your hormones."
"How so? You've never elaborated," Victoria asked.
Dr. Altman shook her head softly and said, "I don't know that fully, and I don't want to tell you something that might not be true. Ask Dr. Russel when you see her."
Victoria sighed and said, "Quitting cigarettes is going to be even harder."
"There are things the help you with that," Dr. Altman offered. "Like the patches, or gum."
Victoria screwed up her face and said, "Nicotine gum is nasty."
Dr. Altman chuckled, "So it is." She paused before beginning, "So, let's just go over a couple things before I write your referral…"
The two talked for a while, going over basic details of Victoria's gender identity and past history, and after about twenty minutes, Dr. Altman took out a form from her desk and began filling it out. About a third of the way through, she handed it to Victoria and said, "I'm going to give you a phone number for Dr. Russel's office; I want you to finish filling this out, then call her and tell her you have it. Schedule an appointment, and bring this with you for it." She handed Victoria a sticky note with a phone number on it.
Victoria nodded. "Sounds good," she said.
Dr. Altman said, "I'll continue to see you once a week for therapy. Today, though, we can finish a little early now, unless you have anything you want to ask or talk about."
Victoria shook her head. "Nope," she responded. She was eager to get out of the office so she could fill out the form and call the number to schedule an appointment as soon as possible. She stood from her seat and said, "May I fill this out in the waiting room and call her from there, as well?"
Dr. Altman smiled and answered, "Absolutely. There should be no one in there at this time of day; all the therapists in this office take lunch at the same time, in about twenty minutes."
Victoria smiled and said, "Thank you!" before walking out and down the hall. She grabbed a pen off the front desk in the waiting room and sat down on a chair, then began filling out the form. It only took about ten minutes, and when she was done, she quickly took her phone out and dialed the number on the sticky note.
After several rings, a man's voice answered, saying, "This is the office of Dr. Russel; how can I help you?"
Victoria introduced herself and filled the receptionist in on the situation, and after getting some general information, he said, "We have our earliest appointment available at three on June 27th. How does that sound?"
That was almost four weeks away! Victoria sighed silently and answered, "That would be great; as soon as possible is best." Victoria said goodbye and, after hanging up, wrote the date and time in her calendar app. She smiled to herself; it was a month away, but what mattered was that she had the appointment booked. She was so close now, and after going clothing shopping, she knew she'd finally start to feel good regularly again. She wouldn't even want alcohol anymore, she thought.
Victoria exited the waiting room and left the building, making her way back to Marnie's car. She hopped in the front seat, and both Marnie and Bede said, "Hey!" Marnie asked, "How'd it go?"
Victoria grinned and said, "I have an appointment booked with the doctor who can prescribe hormones!"
Marnie cheered, and Bede smiled and said, "That's great. You're getting closer to your goals; that's great."
Victoria beamed. She was so happy in this moment, and she knew she was about to be happier with girl's clothing. She asked Marnie, "Should we head over to the mall?"
Marnie nodded and started the car back up. They drove to the mall, about ten minutes away, bumping music loudly the whole way. When they arrived, they all quickly got out of the car and made their way inside the clothing store.
Victoria glanced at the signs and followed them to get to the women's section for the first time in her life. Marnie and Bede followed, and when they arrived, Victoria looked at the selection and chuckled, somewhat nervous suddenly. She didn't know where to begin, or what would look good, or…
Marnie put her hand on Victoria's shoulder and said, "I'll help. Let's start with pants; that's easiest."
They went to the pants section and picked out a few pairs for Victoria to try on. Next, they went to the shirts and blouses, and here they paused for a moment. Bede said what they were all thinking, saying, "You don't have breasts yet. These might not fit right."
Marnie thought for a moment before pounding her fist in her hand and saying, "I know!" She guided them to the section of the store that sold bras, and said, "We'll find an A-cup bra that fits your chest size, and you can stuff it until the hormones kick in in a few months or so. That way the shirts will fit right."
Victoria looked skeptical. "If you think that's a good idea…"
Bede nodded and said, "Marnie, that's brilliant. Come on, let's find you some cute ones."
Victoria nodded, and they looked through the selection. Marnie pulled up a pink one; Victoria shook her head. Marnie then found a blue one; Victoria shook her head again.
Bede said, "I think her color is purple. Let's find something lavender." He searched through the bras until he found a light lavender one, solid but with lace on the outside. It was only available in B-cups or larger, but it was padded, so she wouldn't have to stuff as much; Victoria found this to be the best case scenario. She added one to her pile of clothing to try on, then grabbed the same bra in a darker purple.
The trio returned to the shirts and blouses. They picked some out, and Victoria said, "I'm going to the changing rooms now. Bede, why don't you pick out your clothes while I change?"
Bede nodded, and Marnie followed Victoria to the changing rooms. Thankfully, they weren't gender specific, as they were completely sealed gender-neutral rooms with locks on the doors. Victoria entered one and began trying clothes on.
She put on a pair of pants, and decided she didn't like the way they fit. The next pair, however, she loved; they were dark blue skinny jeans, and they fit perfectly. She left them on for the time being and took off her shirt.
Victoria put on the darker purple bra with some effort, and noticed that with a shirt on, it would still look relatively normal, even without stuffing it. She supposed it was because it was padded. Victoria put on a cute, sky blue shirt with a large head-hole, and looked at herself in the mirror.
She looked amazing, in her opinion. For the first time in a long time, she seriously liked the way she looked. The shirt was stretched enough that her bra straps were even visible, which she loved even more; it made her feel so feminine, she couldn't help but squeal quietly to herself.
Victoria tried on the other shirts and picked two out of the four to buy, then put her regular clothes back on. Now, when she looked in the mirror, she felt bad about herself. How quickly her opinion of herself changed… She decided not to worry about it, and exited the changing room to meet back up with Marnie.
When she found Marnie, Bede was with her, carrying several jackets and a pair of pants. Marnie asked, "How'd it go?"
Victoria grinned and said, "I'm buying these," gesturing to the clothing she had picked out. "I want to change in the bathroom after we buy them, and walk around the mall in them."
Marnie smiled warmly and said, "That sounds ace! Let's get to the front of the store, then." The trio went to the cashiers and paid for their things, then walked back into the heart of the store and to the bathrooms.
Victoria froze. She frowned and shook her head, saying, "I can't go in the men's or the women's. What should I do?"
Marnie tilted her head and asked, "Why can't you go in the women's? I'll go in with you, and if anyone gives you shit, they'll have to answer to me."
Victoria shook her head again and said, "I'm buying some socks to stuff the bra; then I'm going back to the changing rooms to change."
Marnie gently said, "If that would make you comfortable, then sure. Let's do that."
Victoria bought the first pack of ankle socks she saw. She went back to the changing room, where she put on the blue skinny jeans, dark purple bra, and stretched out shirt. She came back out with her men's clothes in one of the bags, and posed for Marnie and Bede. "Yeah?" she asked, somewhat rhetorically.
Marnie and Bede lit up in excitement. "Mate, you look amazing!" Marnie exclaimed.
Bede nodded and said, "Seriously, you look great. That really suits you."
Victoria beamed once more and, thinking of an idea suddenly, said, "Let's go to a jewelry store. I want to pierce my ears, and maybe get a necklace."
The three of them entered the mall and made their way to a jewelry store. Victoria walked in first, and before she could speak to a sales associate, a customer walked up to her and stared, looking a little shocked and confused. "Former champion Victor?"
Victoria's face flushed red; she hadn't even considered being recognized. It was too late now; she figured she may as well just go for it. She said, "Actually, I'm Victoria. This is somewhat new, but please don't tell anyone this, especially not the media. I'll come out to them when I'm ready."
The customer lit up in excitement and said, "That's amazing! I won't tell anyone, I swear."
Victoria smiled a genuine smile. She had told a fan, and they had taken it well; maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Victoria left the customer and went to the front counter of the store, saying to the associate, "I'd like to pierce my ears, please."
The associate smiled and said, "Of course. I'll give you some options for studs to wear." She produced a piece of white cardboard with earring studs poking through it, and said, "You'll have to keep them in for three months before you can change them, or else the holes will close up. After that, you can change them as much as you'd like. So make sure you pick a pair you'll be happy wearing for three months."
Victoria looked them over before finally settling on a pair of large, red crystal studs. She pointed to them and said, "My birthstone is ruby, so I want these ones."
The associate nodded and took them out of the cardboard. She gestured over to a hallway at the back of the store and said, "Come with me."
Victoria followed her down the hall and into a room well behind the store. The associate told her to sit in the chair in the center of the room, and she obliged. The associate grabbed some things off a shelf on the back wall and said, "Okay; it's only going to pinch a little. It may even feel a little hot, but it's not really; it's just the nerves in the ear."
Victoria nodded, and within two minutes, her ears were pierced and the fake ruby earrings were in her ears. She looked in the mirror provided and grinned as wide as she could. Today had been amazing in every way, and this was just the icing on top, something she hadn't even planned.
Victoria paid for the earrings and went to the front of the store, finding Bede and Marnie looking at jewelry. Marnie turned to her and smiled, saying, "Those look great! I bought you a necklace."
Touched, Victoria received it from her friend and said, "You didn't have to do all that. Thank you!" She put it on, then looked in another mirror. In her opinion, she finally looked perfect.
Bede chuckled and said, "Shall we surprise visit Hop and show him your transformation? And tell him the good news?"
Victoria beamed and nodded enthusiastically; she wanted nothing more than to show Hop how happy she now was; she knew it would make him happy just seeing her happy.
They exited the mall and returned to Marnie's car, then drove off towards Hop's house. They arrived about twenty minutes later, and Victoria hopped out of the car as soon as it was parked and rushed to the front door. She knocked loudly, then waited for a response.
After several long moments, Hop unlocked and opened the door. He stared at Victoria for what seemed like ages, blank faced, before finally he widened his eyes and exclaimed, "Tori! Mate, you look amazing! I barely recognized you."
Victoria grinned and posed for Hop playfully. She exclaimed back, "I'm so fucking happy right now, and I'm not even drunk!"
To say Hop lit up in joy was an understatement. He yelled, "Fuck yeah!" into the air before pulling Victoria into a tight embrace. "Mate, that's awesome! Seriously, that's fucking awesome!"
Victoria smiled and leaned her head on Hop's shoulder. A strange sensation washed over her, something that felt strangely familiar yet unplaceable, and she embraced Hop tighter. She was happy, yes; but now she felt at ease, as well. Something was… Different.
Hop broke the hug and said, "Come in, all three of you; we can play some card games and you can fill me in on today." Victoria looked behind her and noticed that Marnie and Bede had caught up with her. Despite everything they had done for her, Victoria found herself secretly wishing it would just be her and Hop. She pushed this aside, however; that was entirely too selfish of her, and she didn't understand why she was even feeling that way.
They all walked into Hop's house, and began talking, laughing, and playing games. It would be several hours before they even ate, and several more hours before everyone went home. Victoria felt completely comfortable with herself for the first time in probably years, and as she drifted off to sleep that night, feeling a dull ache in the lobes of her ears, she couldn't help but smile. Maybe, just maybe, things would be okay from now on.