"Victor? Victoria."
By MaturePopcorn
Description: Victoria is deep in her transitional process, and things in her life are slowly getting better, even if it is sometimes two steps forward and one step back.
WARNING: MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING; semi-graphic description of self-harm, as well as heavy drinking and transphobia. Be warned before you read.
Author's note: I'm sorry this is so dark… Like, the last chapter was so nice, and now this one is super depressing… But such is the way of transitioning. Ups and Downs. Goods and Bads. Things will always be okay in the end, I promise. More chapters to come!
Much love,
~Hannah
Chapter 006
The date was June 26th, and it was nearly three in the afternoon, yet Victoria hadn't woken up yet. She had gone to bed somewhat late the night prior; well, really, it was very early that morning that she had eventually fallen asleep. Finally, at three exactly, she woke herself up and sat up in bed.
Victoria had taken to wearing makeup every day, with the help of Marnie to show her how. She loved the way she looked with eyeliner on, and with her hair now a little longer than even just a month ago, she almost never got recognized in public anymore. When she did, however…
The public had been somewhat hit or miss lately. Some people had been absolutely lovely, and had given her a lot of support with her transition. Others, though, had been less than nice. She had even been yelled at twice by complete strangers who didn't even know her, and articles had begun circulating through the media speculating on what was happening in her life. There were no hard facts in the articles; Victoria had yet to have an interview, and had little desire to. She figured she may as well just live with the public not knowing too much.
Victoria's depression was better than it had been several months prior, but compared to early June, it was beginning to return to her, and the day prior, for the first time in all of June, she had had some thoughts of self-harm once more. It scared her, but she knew she would never act on these thoughts; not when she was finally beginning to become comfortable with herself again. Not with Hop, Marnie and Bede on her side. Right?
Victoria sighed and stretched wide in her bed. She had no plans for the day, other than to go grocery shopping again, and was bored already. Tomorrow was a big day, and she was excited, but she was also anxious, much like she had been for her first therapy appointment. Hop had agreed to take her to her appointment, and she was grateful; he himself was grateful that Victoria hadn't drank since the one beer on the day she got her referral.
Victoria's mind was a swirl of confusing thoughts and ideas whenever she thought about Hop these days. She still didn't know why, but she found herself thinking about him constantly, and finding herself oddly drawn to him even more than usual. She figured it was just because of how he had been there for her over the years, but something felt different now. Something familiar, yet unplaceable. When these thoughts occupied her mind as of late, she pushed them away for another day; but, that day had, so far, never come.
Getting out of bed and making her way downstairs, Victoria let Tofu out of his Pokéball and smiled as he cried out happily to see her. She pet his fur, and hummed to herself as she made lunch for both of them.
When she had finished cooking, and the two had eaten, she sighed and went back to her room to change. She got dressed in her favorite clothing, put on her necklace and makeup, and looked herself over in the mirror; she liked what she saw. She decided to get shopping out of the way now so she could relax and be bored in peace until bedtime. She withdrew Tofu into his Pokéball, left her house, and made the trek to the grocery store, listening to music through her headphones. She grabbed a basket on the way in and headed towards the eggs.
Victoria was almost immediately stopped by a passerby, who incredulously said, "You look so much like former champion Victor! Are you related?"
That felt good; being seen as nothing more than a girl, and having people who recognized her not even fully recognize her, felt nice. In a moment of unbridled happiness, she decided to be honest once more, and she said, "Actually, I'm Victoria now. I-"
"You're transgender?!"
The tone of the man's voice was… unpleasant. Victoria knew where this was going, and she steadied herself mentally for the barrage about to take place.
Instead of yelling, however, the man just snorted and said, "Disgusting. There goes my support in future battles."
Victoria almost wanted to laugh. Almost. As if she needed this asshole's support in the first place… And yet, she found herself sinking into herself, wanting to curl up into a ball and die. People around them had stopped and taken notice after the man's exclamation of her being trans, and as more people recognized her and began taking out their phones to take photos, Victoria had to hold back tears as she turned and walked out of the store.
She walked as briskly as she could until she got home, and by then, she was crying freely. It was just a stupid little comment from someone who meant nothing to her; why was it affecting her so bad? She rushed upstairs and wiped her makeup off, then changed into masculine clothing and put her hair in a bun. She took the necklace off, and wanted to take the earrings out, too, but knew she would regret it if she did. She left them in for now.
Victoria, now looking just like a boy again, marched right downstairs and back out of the house. She decided she'd save shopping for later, and instead began walking in random directions, letting her feet take her wherever they happened to.
She passed a liquor store about ten minutes into her walk, and debated going in; thoughts of Hop and tomorrow's appointment stopped her, however. She was happier sober, and she knew this was just a rough patch that she'd eventually get past.
Eventually, Victoria found herself in downtown Wyndon. Her feet had ended up carrying her to the heart of the city, and it was now evening, with the sun hanging low in the sky. She'd have to leave soon to be home by dark, and she was suddenly anxious she'd be spotted and recognized, especially now that she was wearing her masculine clothing again. She took side streets and alleyways as much as possible as she tried to loop her way back to the direction of her house.
Suddenly, she heard a commotion out in front of Wyndon Stadium. She looked over and saw a swarm of paparazzi yelling at and taking pictures of a seemingly unfazed Piers, who had just had an exhibition match at the stadium. She wanted to say hi, but dared not be seen by the paparazzi, so she turned around and began walking down a different street.
It was too late, however. She heard a voice behind her yell, "Former champion Victor!" and the sound of approaching footsteps. She glanced behind her and saw that the group of people had split in two, with some staying back and focusing on Piers, and the larger group running towards her, cameras snapping loudly. She groaned internally and kept walking away as Piers yelled, quiet only from the distance, "Mate, come say hello! No?"
Victoria picked up her pace, but the paparazzi caught up in no time. They began berating her with various questions and comments, and the sound of cameras was deafening.
"Former champion Victor! Can we get a moment?"
"No."
"Victor, how has life been since losing the championship?"
"Leave me alone."
"Victor! Will you address the rumors circulating on the Internet of you crossdressing and wearing makeup, and-"
Victoria snapped suddenly, and she stopped walking, turning towards the people and looking directly into one of their cameras. The sounds of shutters and the clamor of people vying for attention got to her, and she yelled, "Fuck off! All of you! How would you like it if cameras were shoved in your face and rude, demanding questions were asked every time you left the house?" As the clamor died down only slightly, and the camera shutters snapped slower and slower, she angrily and impulsively yelled, "My fucking name is Victoria, not Victor, and I'm done hiding it! That's all you're getting!"
Victoria turned back towards the direction of her house and took off in a sprint, quickly leaving the group of people far behind. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what had she just done? The media was going to have a field day with this one, and now she'd be out to everyone. There would be no more hiding.
Victoria made her way down random streets in the general direction of her house, fighting back tears as the full realization of what had happened hit her. She checked her phone, and saw that Piers had texted her. She ignored it and kept walking.
Eventually, she innocuously passed the liquor store from earlier in the day, and knowing she was a short walk from home now, she walked in without a moment's hesitation.
She picked out two bottles of pink wine, something she rarely drank but almost always felt happy on when she did, and went to the front counter to pay. The cashier looked her over for a moment before chuckling and saying, "Normally I'd ID someone who looks as young as you, but I recognize you from TV. Having a bit of fun, eh, Victor?"
She knew the cashier was just trying to be nice, but this on top of everything that had already happened stung even further. She glanced away and nodded, lying her response, then paid and exited the store.
The bottles had twist off caps, and she opened one on her way home and began drinking straight out of the bottle. She had already finished the first bottle by the time she got home, a feat even for her, and as she opened the door to her house, she popped open the other bottle, showing no signs of slowing down.
"Wait," she thought, "If I'm hungover tomorrow during my appointment, will that affect my chances of getting hormones?" She hesitated, lips still on the bottle, before shrugging to herself and beginning to chug once more. The bottle was now half empty already, and she felt the effects of the first bottle wash over her in a calming, pleasant manner.
The calm only lasted a few minutes; as she put the wine in her otherwise barren liquor cabinet, the events of the entire day came washing over her in pulsating waves. Feeling hopelessly depressed once more, the nagging thought of self harm came creeping back into her mind, and this time, in her intoxicated state, she decided fuck it, why not? It had made her emotionally feel better in the past. Besides, she just wouldn't tell anyone.
Victoria made her way into her bathroom; the window to the outside showed that it was now fully dark out. She opened her shower door and saw her razor on the side of the tub.
Victoria picked up the razor and set it on the floor, then stepped on it with her shoes on. Hearing it break under her weight, she moved her foot and picked up the pieces; she threw the plastic bits in the trash, then delicately, so delicately, held the bare metal razor in her hand. She stared at it, tears welling up in her eyes; was she really about to throw away over a year and a half of clean time? Victoria sat on the bathroom floor.
Thinking back to the day's events, and what was to come tomorrow, thinking back to how drunk she felt, Victoria hesitated only a moment longer; then, sliding the razor across her arm, she breathed in sharply through her mouth and sighed out an exhale.
No going back now.
Victoria slowly made several long lines, and blood began to well up on her arm. She broke down sobbing halfway through one of them, realizing the full scope of what she had just done, and threw the now red razor against the wall, screaming incoherently. Why? Why this?
Victoria shuddered as she felt her arm ache in a searing, hot pain. She didn't even feel better like she would when she used to cut; now, she just felt like she had fucked up horribly, and the guilt and fear made her feel even worse.
Victoria sobbed on the bathroom floor for over twenty minutes, unable to stop herself. Then, suddenly, there was a knock on her front door. At this time of night? She stood up shakily and went to her room, throwing on a light grey sweater to cover up her arm, then made her way downstairs and gripped the door handle, looking down at the floor and hesitating. She slowly opened it and looked back up at who was outside.
"Hop? What're you doing here?"
Hop stared at Victoria for several long moments. He breathed in deeply, and frowned. Then he sighed and said, "You're drunk, aren't you? You smell like wine and your words are slurring again."
Hop crossed the threshold into Victoria's house, and Victoria repeated, "Why're you here?"
Hop shrugged and said, "Intuition. I felt like something was wrong, and it looks like I was right. Why'd you drink?" Without waiting for a response, he continued, "I'd hate to see you hungover tomorrow for your appointment…" He glanced around the kitchen and said, "Show me the rest of the alcohol so I can dump it out. You're not having any more."
Without thinking, Victoria raised her left arm to point to the liquor cabinet. She glanced down at her own arm and realized in horror that in choosing a light grey sweater, it was now visible that blood was soaking through it, staining half the sleeve a dark red. Hop glanced down as well and widened his eyes, breathing in sharply.
Victoria widened her eyes back. She slurred, "Don't freak out, please, I-"
"Don't freak out?!" Hop exclaimed. "How the hell am I supposed to do anything but freak out! Tori, mate… This is awful! Why? Why would you do this?"
Victoria began to break down, sobbing silently into her hands. "I don't know, okay?" she answered. "I'm drunker than I've been in a long time, and I'm so horribly fucking depressed. I'm scared about tomorrow, for more than just the appointment… I just…" Victoria paused a second, then, unable to stand any longer in her state, sat on the floor and yelled suddenly, "Fuck those fucking media bastards!"
Hop joined her on the floor and grabbed her hand. Gently, and in a quiet voice, he began, "I don't know exactly what happened today, and I know it's easy for me to say; that I won't ever feel what you're feeling; but you have to ignore the media." He sighed sadly and continued, "They're always going to be publishing nasty articles about anyone with the tiniest bit of fame. Lee's been through it; Marnie and Piers have been through it; you can get through it, too."
"None of them changed their fucking gender," Victoria lamented. "I hate my fucking life. I want to… I don't want to do this anymore!" She sobbed out, "I don't want to deal with my life anymore! I hate myself so much!"
"Do you hate me?" Hop asked quietly, somewhat rhetorically.
Victoria frowned and stopped sobbing long enough to huff, "Come off it, mate. You know I love you."
"And I love you. Think about how I would feel if anything ever happened to you," Hop said. "I'm sorry if that's selfish, but I need you in my life. I want you to be happy. Something did happen to you, at your own hand, and I-"
"Hop, this really isn't helping," Victoria slurred.
Hop shut his eyes and said, "Then what would help?"
"More booze."
Hop opened his eyes and looked into Victoria's with a deep and somber sadness. He shook his head softly and said, "Something I can do. Something that isn't that."
Victoria shrugged and bluntly stated, "Then nothing. There's nothing anyone can do."
Hop squeezed Victoria's hand again and said, "Mate, I'm gonna love you until you can love yourself. Marnie and Bede, too. You'll get through this, like you've gotten through the tough times before. I believe in you so strongly." He sighed again and said, "Tomorrow is another day. At first, I was strongly considering taking you to the hospital, but I don't think I will, for your sake. If you miss your appointment tomorrow, it would be detrimental to your happiness."
Faced with the thought of barely escaping the horrible dread of hospitalization, Victoria groaned and slowly slurred, "Hop, why did I do this? What have I done?"
Hop's eyes finally spilled over with tears, and he whispered, "I don't know, Tori. I wish I knew." Victoria glanced away, upset with herself and not knowing what to say anymore. Then, he added, "I love you so much, and I just want you to be happy. I want to help, but I don't know how anymore. But I'm not giving up. Ever."
Victoria had heard these words, but was hung up on the first three. "I love you," he had said. Victoria knew he meant platonically, of course; he saw her like a sister. But to her…
Something clicked in her alcohol ridden brain. Something she had been grappling with for several weeks now, came right to the forefront of her mind, and she realized something quickly and all at once. Something painful. Something she intuitively knew she should never have felt.
She loved Hop, too.
But not like a brother. Not like a best friend.
Victoria loved Hop in a deeper, stronger way, and in the moment she realized this, she broke down sobbing once more, and the world went black for the rest of the night.