"Victor? Victoria."
By MaturePopcorn
Description: Victoria is deep in her transitional process, and things in her life are slowly getting better, even if it is sometimes two steps forward and one step back.
WARNING: Rated T… Maybe it should be rated M? Someone give me advice on that matter. Or don't. I'm not a cop. But if it should be rated M, I'd like to fix it so I don't get in "trouble".
Author's note: Ugh, I love this story so much. I hope it's good to other people, too… It feels nice to finally transcribe a loose translation of what happened to me when I came out. My friend circle was even the same number of people! Not that that matters… ANYWAY.
Much love,
~Hannah
Chapter 007
Victoria slowly blinked open her eyes the following morning feeling the worst she had felt in a long time. Her stomach seemed as though it were on fire, and her head pounded like someone was hitting a hammer right between her eyes. She groaned and rolled over, expecting to find more bed, but instead fell right off the couch she hadn't realized she was on.
Victoria hit the carpeted floor with a soft thud and narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out exactly what was happening. She glanced around and saw that she had slept on her couch the night prior, with a blanket and pillow from her bed; she had no idea why or how she had gotten there. Then she glanced up at the other couch and saw Hop, still fast asleep.
Feelings and vague memories from the night before, from right before she blacked out, came flooding back to Victoria. She almost started crying again right then and there. How could she possibly be in love with her best friend? It felt wrong, and yet… It felt like the most natural thing in the world. She was surprised it had taken as long as it had for her to realize it.
Victoria knew Hop was entirely straight; even though she was a woman now, she thought too poorly of herself to think Hop even could ever like her back. After all, she still had somewhat masculine features, and all the wrong parts. Hop would only ever see her as a friend, or a sister figure. That much she knew.
Victoria whispered, "Hop," and got no response. In a slightly louder voice, she said, "Hop." Hop slowly opened his eyes before, realizing where he was, he sat up quickly and looked at Victoria with concern and a slight fear in his eyes.
"How do you feel?" he whispered gently.
Victoria shrugged and said, "All things considered, pretty bad. I don't remember how last night ended, exactly."
Hop glanced away and asked, "What do you remember?"
"Getting drunk, and cutting…" Victoria paused and added, "Then you showed up, and we talked for a bit…" She sighed. "That's it."
Hop said, "Mmhmm," before taking a moment to collect his thoughts. Eventually, he slowly began, "I was thinking a lot last night after I put you to sleep, and I think, for your sake, you should let me come with you to your appointment today. Then, afterwards, I should take you to the hospital. Because-"
"Fuck no!" Victoria exclaimed. The act of yelling made her stomach churn and her head pound harder, and she groaned and clutched her stomach. "I'm not going to the fucking hospital," she said in a strained voice. "I'm just going to move on from what happened the best I can."
Hop sighed and said, "Your arm could get infected if you're not careful. Besides that, the psych ward-"
Victoria shook her head softly and firmly said, "No."
Hop frowned. "Mate, I'm trying to help."
"Hospitalizations don't help," Victoria stated. "They make the whole thing worse. You know how bad it was the few times I've already been there, and that was in the adolescent units. The adult units are worse from what I've heard."
Hop glanced away again and thought for a moment. He breathed in deeply, then breathed out, "Yeah, I remember." He closed his eyes and continued, "It was pretty rough. But… Tori, if you don't go to the hospital, I'm scared you're going to do something like this again."
Victoria responded, "I'm not going to. I promise."
Hop opened his eyes. "You promised last time."
Victoria huffed, and her eyes began to water. She breathed in deeply, then exhaled slowly; then, she started, "It's just been so hard lately… Everything is different now, and yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long time." She paused to wipe a tear from her eyes, then continued, "I don't want to cut. I don't want to drink. I just want to be happy, and I feel like no matter what I do, I can't be. But I'm trying."
Hop looked into Victoria's eyes with love and concern, and Victoria had to glance away. Seeing that look in her friends' eyes, especially now that she had realized her true feelings for him, hurt. As Hop began speaking again, it took everything in her not to start bawling again.
"Mate, I love you, and I just want to help. But like I said last night, I don't know how to help anymore. I'm never going to give up on you, I promise, but I…" He hesitated. "What should I do?" he asked. "What would help?"
Victoria closed her eyes and sighed deeply. Only to herself, she moodily thought, "You could start by liking me back the way I like you." Instead, she opened her eyes and told him, "Just… Do what you've been doing. You're helping enough as it is."
Hop replied, "I feel like I'm not helping enough. I… I took the razor you broke. I won't take the rest, because I know you need to shave your legs and whatever else, but… I'm scared you're going to hurt yourself again, and I don't want that."
Victoria shrugged and repeated, "I promise, I'm not going to do it again. And at this point, I'm pretty well done with drinking, too." She frowned and added, "This conversation's going in circles. Can we move on for now?"
Hop nodded and chuckled sadly. "Yeah, we can. Your appointment's soon, so we should get going in a couple minutes. D'you wanna change your clothing? It would be best to not show up in a blood-soaked sweater." He glanced away again and added, "I cleaned up your arm last night."
Victoria glanced down at her sweater sleeve. It was now more red than grey, and she groaned at the sight of it; she'd have to throw it away. She stood up and said, "I'll be back in a few minutes," then turned and walked upstairs to her room. She took the sweater, and the shirt underneath it, off, then looked down at her arm to inspect the damage.
There were several red and bumpy, but clean, lines going down the length of her arm, and she narrowed her eyes in sadness. Why did she have to self-sabotage herself like this? She was doing so well…
A thought came to her suddenly. What had the media reported in the last twelve hours or so? She shuddered at the thought of the articles that must've been written, and she made the decision to not check them until she returned to Hop. She didn't want to deal with that alone.
Victoria decided that, in order to cheer herself up even the smallest amount, she'd dress herself in nice clothing and makeup. She returned to her room and put on her dark purple bra, stuffing it with ankle socks. She absolutely despised having to stuff a bra, and hated how flat her chest was, but she was at least content in knowing that after today, she could start the process of growing real breasts.
Victoria changed her pants for her blue skinny jeans, then put on a long sleeved, light grey shirt. It was somewhat form-fitting, and showed off her natural curves and fake "breasts" nicely. She put on the necklace Marnie had bought her, then began applying eyeliner. When that was done, she put on mascara, then pink lip gloss; afterwards, she stared at herself in the mirror.
She liked the way she looked. Despite everything that had happened, simply seeing herself looking like this made her happy, and it had lifted her spirits more than she was expecting. After today, she'd get her hormones, and she was grateful she had made it this far. She was grateful for Hop, and for Marnie and Bede. Despite everything she had thought the night prior, she was grateful for her life.
Thank Arceus, the storm had passed once more.
Victoria walked downstairs and paused at the entrance to her living room. Hop, sitting on the couch and looking at his phone, glanced up and smiled at the sight of his friend. He said, "You look cute, mate. I like that look."
Victoria couldn't help but blush slightly, cursing herself in her head as she felt her cheeks grow warm. She chuckled and responded, "I actually like the way I look for once."
Hop encouraged, "You can't even tell that your bra is stuffed, you know."
Victoria smiled. "Thanks. Soon I won't have to stuff it at all," she said.
Hop nodded and smiled warmly. He stood from the couch and said, "C'mon, let's get going. We don't want to be late."
Victoria grabbed the form Dr. Altman had given her from off the kitchen table, then followed Hop out the front door and locked up behind her. She walked next to him towards the office she had been told to go to, and they chatted about various things as they made their way down the street. For a brief moment, Victoria felt as though nothing bad had happened, and the dull aching in her arm was somehow forgotten. She felt at ease with her best friend, momentarily able to forget her feelings for him and the events of the night prior, and she relished in the calm.
Victoria had a nagging thought in the back of her mind that, technically, there was a non-zero chance that she had told Hop of her feelings for him. After all, she didn't remember anything after the moment she realized she even had feelings. For all she knew, she had spilled her secrets in a moment of drunken honesty; she knew almost for a fact that if she had, Hop wouldn't remind her of it for fear of upsetting their balance. If she had told him, he would never tell her that.
Victoria pushed this thought out of her head. There was no point worrying about it; regardless of whether she had or not, it's not like she could bring it up without making the whole situation worse. Besides, they were happy at the moment; why ruin it?
Eventually, they made their way into downtown Wyndon, and Victoria frowned to herself. As they stopped at an intersection, waiting for the light to let them cross the street, she turned to Hop and whispered, "What if someone recognizes me? We're downtown now... The media… The stories that were almost certainly published last night…"
Hop shook his head softly. "I looked into that too, last night after you had fallen asleep. Honestly, mate, it's not as bad as you're thinking it to be. Most of the articles had kind words to say, and though there was a lot of incorrect speculation, their hearts were in the right place. People support you more than you think." He hesitated, then slowly added, "The people who're mean and hateful are honestly pretty few, but I know they're comparatively really loud. It's easy to remember the people who yell, and easy to forget the people who just want to help. There were only a couple articles that talked down about you, and they were all from tiny media companies with minimal readers. I think you're better off than you realize."
Victoria blinked. She had never considered the possibility of the media being… Nice? That seemed somewhat foreign to her. But when she really thought about it, when she remembered her time as champion, the few scathing articles always spoke much louder than the many nice ones. Maybe Hop was right… Maybe it was best to ignore the hate, and focus on the love.
The light changed, and Hop and Victoria began walking across the street. Victoria, lost in thought and staring at her shoes, nearly tripped over the sidewalk at the far end of the crosswalk, and Hop frowned. He gently asked, "You're not hungover too bad, are you?"
Victoria shook her head. "No, not really. My stomach hurts a bit, but my headache has pretty much gone away by now. I'm fine."
Hop nodded and said, "Good, because we're here now."
Victoria glanced up and noticed that they were indeed at the large office building with a medical symbol on the front. There was a sign out front with various doctors' names on it, and she immediately noticed Dr. Russel's name. She breathed in deeply, holding her breath for a few seconds, then exhaled slowly, in an attempt to calm her nerves. Despite the pleasant walk there, she was now incredibly nervous again; she clutched the form in her hand, then loosened her grip so as not to crumple the paper.
Victoria glanced at Hop and whispered, "Come in with me, obviously, but don't go far when you're waiting for me. I want you close by."
Hop nodded and responded, "Of course. I'll be right there for all of it, I promise."
Victoria nodded back, then walked towards the building, eventually reaching it and walking inside. She looked at the signs on the wall and followed the directions to reach the elevator with Hop close behind, then walked inside and pressed the button for the sixth floor. They were alone in the elevator, and Victoria took the opportunity to say, "I'm really nervous. I know I shouldn't be, and I know it's going to go well, but I'm nervous anyway."
Hop encouraged, "You've got this. After today, you'll be on hormones, and…" Hop trailed off. He frowned, and in a quieter voice he began, "I hadn't thought about this before, but with your mood swings and all that, I'm concerned about how these hormones are going to affect your moods. I'm not trying to stereotype; men can be just as moody as women. But a shift in hormones is going to alter something in your brain, I'm sure." He hesitated, then said, "Promise me you'll mention your mood swings, and ask what to expect with the new hormones."
Victoria nodded and said, "I will." Internally, she feared that if she told the doctor exactly what was really going on, they wouldn't prescribe her the hormones until she got herself more under control. She was tired of waiting, and didn't want to wait any longer than she already had. However, she knew she'd keep this promise to her friend; after everything he had done for her, it was the least she could do.
The elevator slowly came to a stop and chimed at them, and the doors opened onto the sixth floor. They got off and followed the signs, leading them left to Dr. Russel's office. After a couple turns snaking their way through the floor, they arrived at a receptionist's desk, and Victoria walked up to the man sitting behind it and promptly said, "I'm here to see Dr. Russel for my three o'clock appointment."
The man nodded and typed something into his computer, then said, "Victoria, yes? Have a seat; Dr. Russel will be out in a few minutes."
Victoria nodded back and turned back towards the waiting room. She sat next to Hop and crossed her legs, then uncrossed them again. She frowned; she was seriously anxious, and needed something to take her mind off these emotions swirling around her head. She took out her phone to finally open the text from Piers from the night prior that she had completely ignored. She found that she now had two messages instead of one.
The first one read, "Hey mate, you left without saying a word. Everything okay? I'm here to talk if you ever need someone."
Victoria smiled softly to herself; Piers was always so supportive, she was a little upset with herself that she hadn't told him her situation yet. She thought Marnie might have mentioned it to him, but she ultimately figured that she probably wouldn't do that without her permission.
She then read the second message, this one from early that morning. "Hey, I saw some articles about you on the web. Everything okay? I said it before but I'll say it again, I'm always here to talk. If the articles are true, I support you 100%, and I want to see you happy, so talk to me when you're ready. I may be Marnie's older brother, but to me, you're my little sibling, too. I want to help in any way I can. I love you!"
Victoria chuckled in happiness. She had such supportive and amazing friends, and she was absolutely grateful for the life Arceus had given her. In that moment, she regretted cutting the night before more than anything; in that moment, she knew she had nothing to be upset about. Fuck what the few people who hated her now thought. She had the rest of the world on her side, and it meant, well, the world to her.
Glancing up from her phone, Victoria saw the door to Dr. Russel's office open, and a tall, thin blonde woman walked out with a clipboard and a pen. She turned to Victoria and Hop and, seeing that they were the only people in the waiting room, looked right at Victoria and said, "I'm ready for you now."
Victoria stood up, feeling much less nervous after reading Piers' messages, and followed the woman through the door and down the hall to an office room with several chairs and a desk. She sat at one of the chairs, and Dr. Russel sat at the desk. The doctor asked, "How are you doing today?"
Victoria responded, "Great, honestly. Yesterday was pretty rough, but I'm doing much better today."
Dr. Russel nodded and said, "I saw some articles floating around the Internet this morning, and I commend you for being as brave as you are. You're my first client with any bit of fame, and I know it must make the whole thing so much harder, but you're doing great."
Victoria chuckled and nodded. She knew if Dr. Russel knew the full picture, she wouldn't be saying that, but she certainly wasn't about to correct her.
Dr. Russel asked, "May I see the referral you brought?" Victoria handed it to her, and the doctor looked it over carefully for a couple minutes before saying, "Perfect. I'll start gathering some information from you now, and we can proceed." She asked some basic questions, and Victoria answered them; after about ten minutes, Dr. Russel paused to write something on her clipboard as she had been doing, then looked back up at Victoria and asked, "Do you drink, or smoke cigarettes?"
Victoria swallowed heavily. She slowly replied, "I drink sometimes, and I smoke about a half-pack a day. But I'm drinking much less than I used to."
Dr. Russel wrote some more things down, then said, "Based on your chart, referral, and what Dr. Altman has told me, I'd like to move forward with hormones. We'll take a blood sample today, and assuming everything comes back normal in a couple days, we'll schedule you an appointment for about two weeks from now. At that appointment, we'll insert a testosterone blocker into your arm, and two weeks after that we'll take another blood sample. If that one comes back with what we're looking for, we'll start you on hormones right away. If all goes according to plan, you'll be on hormones by early August. Sound good?"
Victoria blinked slowly, absorbing this information. So she wasn't starting hormones today after all… She frowned to herself; that was slightly disappointing. She cleared her throat and asked, "Testosterone blocker?"
Dr. Russel nodded. "You can't really have high levels of testosterone and estrogen in your body at the same time; it can cause problems. Besides that, the estrogen wouldn't be nearly as effective." She paused, then continued, "It's a small device that goes directly under the skin in your upper arm, and for two years it blocks all testosterone in your body. After two years, if you haven't gotten bottom surgery yet, we'll replace it with another."
Victoria paused to absorb this as well. She had barely thought about bottom surgery at all, and the thought of her possibly being able to get it in less than two years made her happy. "One thing at a time," she thought. "We'll get there eventually."
Before Victoria could say anything, Dr. Russel took off her glasses and said, "In the meantime, while you're waiting to start the testosterone blocker, I'd like you to quit cigarettes, and at least limit your alcohol to no more than two drinks a couple days a week." Victoria groaned softly, and Dr. Russel chuckled quietly and explained, "Nicotine and alcohol can affect both the estrogen and testosterone blocker, making them less effective. Not to mention, the mood shifts you'll be having on hormone therapy can be amplified."
Remembering the promise she had made to Hop in the elevator, Victoria nodded and asked, "About that; I have mood swings somewhat as it is. Is the estrogen going to make it that much worse?"
Dr. Russel shook her head. "It's not too big of a change. You will notice yourself becoming a bit more irritable and moody than usual, but as long as you stay away from nicotine and alcohol, you should be relatively fine."
Victoria breathed in deeply. She nodded again and said, "Okay. I'll try my best."
Dr. Russel smiled warmly and stood from her desk. She said, "Wait there, and I'll be back in a moment to take your blood samples." The doctor left the room, and Victoria took the opportunity to take her phone out of her pocket and text Piers back.
"I'm okay, honestly. I'm doing better today than I was yesterday, and I want to see you soon to fill you in on everything. I'm sorry for keeping you out of the loop lately; not many people knew I was trans until today. I'm starting hormones soon! I love you, too."
Victoria had just finished texting when Dr. Russel came back in the room with a needle and several empty vials. Dr. Russel rolled a small table over to Victoria and said, "Rest your arm on this." She did so, and the doctor then said, "Roll up your sleeve, please."
Victoria breathed a small sigh of relief that they were taking blood from her right arm, not her left; that was nearly disastrous. She rolled up her sleeve and watched as Dr. Russel wrapped something rubbery around her arm, then cleaned the inside of her arm with a small alcohol prep wipe. She rubbed Victoria's arm, then took the needle and placed the tip on her skin.
Victoria looked away as the needle entered her vein. She could feel a slight pulsating pain as blood filled the several vials, and after about a minute, Dr. Russel took the needle out wrapped gauze around the injection site. She stood and said, "Right. All done! You can go to the receptionist and schedule your appointment for two weeks from today. Your blood should come back normally, but if it doesn't," she warned, "We'll have to reschedule your appointment until we fix whatever is wrong."
Victoria nodded and stood from her seat. She walked out to the receptionist's desk and scheduled her appointment, then walked over to Hop and said, "I'm ready to go."
Hop grinned happily and asked, "Did they prescribe you the stuff?"
Victoria shook her head and said, "Not exactly, but we're close. I'll fill you in on the way home." Hop furrowed his brow but said nothing, standing from his seat and following his friend back to the elevator. When they had made it outside, Victoria began explaining to Hop everything that had happened during the appointment.
When Victoria was done, Hop asked, "So what about your mood shifts?"
Victoria chuckled, having left that part out. She explained, "As long as I quit smoking and drinking, it won't be that bad. That's what Dr. Russel said."
Hop frowned. "You'll quit, then?"
Victoria nodded. "For this, and for you, yes. I'll finally quit."
Hop sighed in relief. "Thank Arceus. You better not break your promise to me," he said in a gentle tone. "I'm counting on you to count on yourself."
Victoria chuckled. "Okay, Hop. I'll be good."
The two walked to Victoria's house, and talked and joked on the way back; Victoria was happy again, despite the night prior, and she wanted to stay this happy forever. She knew, in her heart, that she'd never drink again. Cigarettes would be harder to quit, in her opinion, but for this, and for Hop's sake, she'd find a way to struggle through.
She could do this.